Insurrection 1-6-21- How We Got Here.

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The root cause of the 1-6-21 insurrection at the Capitol in Washington DC was not the November 3rd election. The election may have “triggered” the violence, but the “cause” is seated in the psycho/emotional foundation in those perpetuating the violence, a makeup that was created many years ago in the form of childhood wounding..

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing’ is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

PEACE

…it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I wish you much peace during the holidays and through 2021

Peter

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Experiencing Well-Be-ing in 2021 – Facing the Truth about Change and Well-Being

Speaker pageFacebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

(Some of the links below are to articles on my website – all of which have been checked for viruses, etc.)
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“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”
Herbert Agar

Think of change this way. Grasp a rubber band between the thumb and forefinger of your right hand and between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand. Think of this rubber band as change. Stretch the rubber band. Think of the right hand as representing new ways of do-ing, be-ing and having, i.e., stretching to move forward in your life. Think of your left hand as representing being brought back to old or current ways of do-ing, be-ing and having, i.e., pulled back to remain exactly where you are.

Each time you stretch (i.e., move beyond your comfort zone) to act in some new way (your right hand), your left hand (your mind, your body and your brain) are pulling you back into old programmed habits and patterns. We often allow ourselves to return to old patterns and continue old habits – even if they are self-defeating, self-limiting, and self-sabotaging – because we feel safe and secure. It’s a question of “the devil we know versus the devil we don’t.” This is the sole reason 98% of the folks who resolve to change in the New Year fail by Valentine’s Day as they fall back into old ways, habits and patterns, of do-ing, be-ing and having. The pull to passivity, to the same old patterns of do-ing and be-ing is just too powerful. Their challenge of something new, i.e., change, or the unknown, is trumped by their need for familiarity, safety, security – i.e., their need to NOT change.

The truth about change
“The truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.”
HanSuyin

Creating true and real changes in one’s life is challenging. If you decide your life is more interesting, more satisfying, happier and more worthwhile living by not changing, that is your choice. But, you can’t have it both ways – “I hate my life but I don’t want to change.” Or, “I want to change, but I don’t want to be different.” Remember the definition of insanity – doing the same thing in the same way, over and over again, and expecting different results each time. Insanity is a choice. Sometimes conscious. Sometimes unconscious. Wanting to change, and doing nothing about it, day after day, year after year is one form of “insanity.” And remember, you’re not bad or wrong for not wanting to change. You are where you are. The question is, “What is it about change that frightens you, causes you concern or feels threatening?” What’s the truth, your truth? Self-awareness is key.

If you are adverse to change, maybe take some time (perhaps five minutes, ten minutes or thirty minutes) on a consistent basis for a while to explore your resistance to change. Being honest and serious about your life is challenging. If you can’t take some minutes for yourself on a consistent basis to explore how you feel about where you are, be curious about that. Are you resisting, and why? What does resisting get you?

So, here are some truths around change and well-being I and my coaching clients have explored over the years, truths which have supported us to change and transform our lives in ways that have resulted in a greater sense of well-be-ing – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or psychological, not to mention personal and professional. Facing these truths in an honest, sincere, and self-responsible way, with love and compassion for yourself, can jump-start your journey towards meaningful change, transformation and a heightened sense of well-being.

Connecting to your life force supports well-being
Your life force is an energy. Life force is not a simple, mental construct. Life force is real. Your life force is what provides you with the qualities of, for example, self-love, compassion, forgiveness, strength, courage, will, discipline, steadfastness, stick-to-it-iveness, truth, deep listening, right understanding, right knowing and right action (notwithstanding those who say change is all about willpower. The truth? Willpower is rarely sustainable).

To connect to your life force, it’s important to engage in some type of consistent spiritual practice – meditation (sitting or walking), energy work such as yoga, tai chi or martial arts, self-reflection or contemplation, quietude and silence, or journaling. A spiritual practice is not about religion or theology. I know atheists who have a spiritual practice; I know avowed religious folks who don’t. The truth is, touching in on a regular basis to our deeper self, results in experiencing a deeper sense of well-be-ing that supports us in time of challenge and change, and gives us a sense of grounding, peace and well-being with which we approach life and make healthy life choices, decisions and changes.

Living in a real community supports well-being (But be discerning in how and when you choose to get together given these challenging times)
If you find yourself spending more and more time engaged in online social networks, if you live much of your life communing with friends or family, etc. on Zoom, Facebook, Instagram during these times of self-quarantine, home confinement, etc., there’s a better than average chance you’re real-world social skills may be eroding. You may find yourself turning down more and more invitations to “real” social events or feeling more uncomfortable when you do engage. You may find your social skills when engaging with “real” people are diminishing. You may find yourself “holding up” in your home more and more, venturing outside less and less.

The truth is, a healthy sense of well-be-ing comes from interacting and engaging in community; real, not fake, community. Our personal growth and positive mental, emotional and psychological health and well-be-ing feeds on the nourishment we get from conscious interaction with others, from community. There’s a host of informationdescribing how belonging to a community, a real community, supports us to, for example deal with loneliness, improve our motivation, health, and happiness, feel supported and connected to and with others, and deal with the stress, challenges, struggles and chaos of daily life, not to mention the sense of camaraderie, connection and caring that can result from being in a community. Experiencing community, real community, is one way to develop and sustain a heightened sense of well-being. Again, be discerning, follow CDC guidelines, and the like.

Eating to live; exercising for health, support well-being
Do you eat to live or live to eat? What’s your diet like? Most everyone knows what a healthy diet looks like. The health of our mind-body-spirit unit cannot maintain without a healthy diet. I’ve come across countless folks over the years who exercise to extreme so they can “pig out,” gorge themselves, and eat unhealthily. So, in the morning, for example, they run, go to the gym, or exercise at home so they can dive into unhealthy food and drink at night. Then, it’s guilt and shame. A self-defeating vicious cycle. So, the next day, extreme exercise and unhealthy eating or drinking – a mental, physical, emotional and psychological roller-coaster lifestyle that results in anything but a healthy sense of well-being. Not to mention the emotional inner turmoil that erupts when one skips a day of exercising, but not a day of unhealthy eating or drinking. I’ve seen countless folks come out of the gym still being angry, unhappy and sad even after a “great workout.” They may be in good shape, but many are not in good psycho/emotional/spiritual health.

The truth is that being in good shape, but poor emotional and psychological health, is bound to lead to a life of self-hate, self-loathing, and utter unhappiness and frustration. Asking one’s self, honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly, “Why am I really been dieting and exercising?” can help one move into a diet and exercise lifestyle that promotes healthy well-being – physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. Is your regimen of exercising and dieting about truly and really healthy or something else? The “something else” usually leads to consistent emotional upset, frustration and failure.

Conscious intention, commitment and focus support well-being
“One must know oneself; if this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life and there is nothing better.”
Blaise Pascal

The reality is, without our being “conscious” of who and how we want to be, and why, without being intentional and focused in every moment of change, the forces of old habits and patterns will take over, reducing change to a small idea in a tiny brain molecule – magical thinking at best.

Some important questions around change and improved well-being we can ask are:

“Why am I choosing to change?”
“Do I have any hunch or instinct I won’t be able to keep my intention or change?” The truth is many folks want to change to impress or please someone else. If this is the case in your situation, a deeper exploration of what’s underneath your desire to please others is in order.
“Why do I need to please others and have others’ approval?”
“What does pleasing others get me?”
“Who would I be and how would I feel if I didn’t please others?”
“Do I love myself as I am, right here and right now?”

Understanding “my mind is not me, but mine,” supports well-being
On the other hand, if you’re honestly and sincerely committed and intentional about your choice to change, consistently monitoring your thoughts, and being self-aware, can support you in your change efforts. When you want to run faster, longer, and harder (when you know it leads to injury or burnout), when you want to eat the whole bag of M&Ms (when you know you’ll be upset with yourself afterwards), when you want to have another cigarette/drink (when you know it’s unhealthy), when you want to spend the extra $100 (when you can’t afford it and it jeopardizes your credit score), monitor your thinking and explore what mental messages you’re hearing, what your Inner Judge and Critic is saying, what old rationale is arising to trigger your acting in ways that are self-sabotaging, self-limiting and self-defeating.

The truth is, you are in control of your mind, not the other way around. If you stay “awake'” and ask yourself questions like: “Why am I choosing this?” “Is this really supportive of my choice to change?” “Am I choosing to sabotage myself and if so why?,” you’ll come to a deeper understanding of your behaviors that are self-sabotaging and slowly be able to wean yourself away from old patterns and limiting beliefs that keep you from changing. Emotional mastery supports you to be clear about what you’re feeling moment to moment so that you are in control of your life and the master of your own well-being.

Consistency and specifics, not extremes, support well-being
Sustainable change comes with small, incremental steps. The name of the well-be-ing game is consistency – moving forward on a conscious and consistent basis, in baby steps. Wanting to create wholesale and quantum change overnight hardly ever works. Burnout and frustration – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological – are often what follow the need to change on a dime. How does a mouse eat a round of cheese? One small bite at a time. Some further suggestions here .

One obstacle that interferes with lasting and sustainable change is having a wrong motive for changing. For example, making the mistake of “moving away” rather  than “moving towards.” In other words, focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. The energy of moving toward a goal is more alive, juicy, positive, enthusiastic, exciting and motivating than the energy of moving away which is often heavy, negative, and unpleasant. Here’s a much more thorough exploration of the moving towards vs. moving away principle, with many practical examples.

Another obstacle to creating sustainable change and experiencing well-being, is acting in extremes, and “all-or-none” extreme approach to change, i.e., exercising every day (rather than, for example, starting with three days a week or a half hour at a time), meditating for an hour, rather than starting slowly, reading the whole book, rather than a chapter, etc. The problem here is that our Inner Judge and Critic gets in the way with all the “shoulds” and perfection-based ego-driven excuses that get in the way and, more often than not, doom us to failure. The secret sauce of  achievement is to start slow, baby steps, be gentle with ourselves, and move forward incrementally and consistently. Remember, how does a mouse eat a round of cheese? One small bite at a time. It works!

Another strategy that can lead to effective, lasting and sustainable change, is to use the word “choose” instead of want, need or should. Shoulds are burdensome and guilt-making; choosing is freeing. The energy of choosing is self-empowering and gives you ownership. The truth is change is about feeling light and emotionally free, not about feeling needy for security, control or others’ approval. Consistency allows the brain to create the new neurological pathways that have to be ingrained for new ways of do-ing and be-ing to become habitual. No consistency, no sustainability.  Extremes only lead to failure. More about should and choose here . The author writes from a Christian perspective, but you’ll get the point, whether you are Christian or otherwise.

Self management, not time management, leads to well-being
“Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you’re one who says your life is out of your control, that you don’t have enough time in your day to get things done, that you find yourself watching way too much TV or hanging out online to an extreme, the truth is that you’re doing a poor job at self-management. Time management is NEVER – ever -about time. Mismanaged time is a symptom; “me” is the problem. When we work on self-management and self-regulation from a conscious, proactive (not reactive), values-driven place, time then ceases to be an issue. How so?

The truth is, our values or lack of them play a large role when making choices as to what to do, how and when, or being clear as to whether we are spending our investing our time, energy and effort. When our choices are based on values that are murky, misguided or nonexistent, our efforts lead to confusion, mistakes, self-defeating multitasking and chaos that comes from juggling too many balls in the air at the same time. With respect to priorities, many folks ask the wrong question, i.e., “What’s next?” instead of the more-important question, “What’s first?” and why. Lack of self-management skills and clear values produce a lack of clarity and direction so everything is next, everything is urgent and important, and we know this perspective often leads to inner turmoil and outer upset and diminished well-being. Time management is, first and foremost, about self-management. So, what are some ways we can focus on better self-management?

Knowing when to say “no” supports well-being
To achieve peace of mind and well-being  it’s important to learn how to say no – to yourself  and to others who are asking you for something. This is a real discipline. How often do you give up your own aspirations, dreams, goals or tasks because you don’t want to upset someone? Or because you like doing something that is perhaps a distraction. And then you become distracted by all the things you say yes to?

Learn how to have difficult conversations with others so you can say no in a kind, respectful, gentle, compassionate and positive way and still take care of yourself without feeling guilty, ashamed or fearful. Know how to say no to yourself and not feel like you’re denying yourself.

Ask: “If I instinctively want to say no to someone or something, what am I actually saying yes to?” Go deep and connect with your heart. What’s the truth here? Sense into your higher aspiration, your purpose, which will make it much easier for you to learn how to say no.

Having a clear sense of purpose supports well-being
We want to be productive, effective and successful. But, many of us find it hard because we always feel we have too much to do. When you have a clear sense of purpose, when you’re clear about why you’re on the planet, it’s empowering because you’re clear about what you want from life. Many of us are confused about this. Purpose is your guideline, your beacon, as to your choices and decisions -e.g., what party to go to, what to read, watch. You become clear as to how you move forward – how to invest your time and energy. Purpose supports you to  clear out the clutter, simplify your life and create a heightened sense of well-being. 

Purpose is empowering because it helps clarify our life choices and decisions, what we want from life, the path forward, how to simplify our life and how to invest our time, effort and energy which has a return on investment, as opposed to “spending” time, energy and effort which has no valuable return.  

Support leads to a greater sense of well-being
I know of very few people who have been able to make honest and lasting change by themselves. Very few. Most folks who succeed with change have a support system of one kind or another. A support system helps us overcome the immune system many of us have towards change. The truth is going it alone hardly ever produces real and lasting change. Who is your support? Are they nonjudgmental? Are they affirming? Do you feel safe talking about your life with them? Do they help you gain clarity?

Find a professional coach or other professional support person to help you clarify your goals, the “why” of your life.  Working with this support, be guided by your purpose in your choices and decisions as to how you invest your time, energy and effort.

Living with awareness creates well-being
“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves into crustal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

When we are in touch with our deeper Inner Self, we become free(er) and this sense of freedom helps us make those change that bring lightness within, and a heightened sense of well-being. Awareness supports us to become more center-focused and allows us to discern (as opposed to judging) what serves us from what does not, what needs to change and what doesn’t.

The one major element that we can truly control in our life is self-awareness, the awareness that says “I’m the master of my life,” the awareness that brings meaning and purpose to our journey on the planet, the awareness that supports us to move forward along the right path. The truth is, without self-awareness, chaos rules our lives and with chaos comes unhappiness, unfulfilled dreams and unmet goals, finger-pointing, blaming, confusion, overwhelm and stress.

So, what’s the truth about you and your life? What’s the truth about the stories you tell yourself about why change is so hard and frustrating? What’s the truth about your definition of “insanity?”

Finally,
Most people are free-falling through their lives, ping-ponging from one crisis to the next. Living in this type of spiral or chaos leaves no room for conscious living.

The real truth about lasting change and transformation, and a true and real sense of well-being, is that true change, transformation and sense of well-be-ing comes with self-awareness and a healthy integration of body, mind, spirit. Change is a reality that can happen in every moment of our lives, every moment of every life – but only if we are aware of it and see the truth of “who I am” and “how I am” as I live my life.

In essence, experiencing a true sense and real sense of well-being comes when we know the truth about how we live our life, and why.  As Galileo said, “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

So the question we want to ask, moving forward, “If I truly want to experience a heightened sense of well-being in 2020, and I’m not, what’s getting in the way – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically?” What’s the truth?

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Who are you (can you describe this without defining yourself by what you “do”)?
  • How do you feel when you define yourself?
  • What do you want?
  • Why do you think you’re on the planet
  • How do you feel when you define what you want?
  • Where are you in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship and, why are you there?
  • How do you feel when you describe where you are and why you’re there?
  • Who are your allies in life?
  • What are the “truths” about you and your life?
  • How do you feel when you speak the truth of your life?
  • Do you have a spiritual practice?
  • Are you drowning in distractions of one kind or another? How so?
  • Is time your friend or enemy? Why?
  • At which end of the rubber band do you live most of your life? Why?
  • Is your social community more real or virtual?
  • Are you optimistic or pessimistic about your life in 2021? Why?
  • You feel you’re in control of your emotional life? Why or why not?
  • On a scale of 1-10, where are you when it comes to experiencing a real sense of well-be-ing?
  • Can you visualize a world where you are moving effortlessly and consistently toward personal change and transformation?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Anger — the cry for love

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Just launched – three exciting new products

Anger is a human emotion. It ranks up there with fear as the most common emotion. Curiously, anger is often an unconscious expression of one’s need for contact. Strange, but true. How so?

The energy of love

Our innate essence consists of three subtle energies – love, intelligence and power. Anger arises when we experience a sense of lack or deficiency in any of these three energies. Here, we’ll consider the energy of love.

Anger is a form of aggression. Aggression is a movement toward another – a person, a group, an institution or organization, God, life, etc. However anger is never – ever – about the other as much as we prefer to blame others to justify or scapegoat our anger. Anger is always about “me” and how I’m experiencing, or feeling about “me” in this moment. While we often project our anger on to another, the antidote to anger is taking an honest, sincere and self-responsible look for what needs to be acknowledged in me – taking back my projection and looking inward. The projections we direct towards others are in essence about “me.” Understanding and learning the lessons of anger support our psycho/emotional and spiritual healing and development.

What do I need?

Anger is actually an expression of a “need unfulfilled.” So, when we’re mired in anger, the question to ask is, “What do I want or need?”

Anger is usually a conscious or unconscious reaction to our feeling some sense of lack or inadequacy (“not enough” in some way, shape or form). This sense of lack often relates to power, control, recognition, security, knowledge, or love. When we explore more deeply, and inquire within to discover what’s underneath our anger, anger becomes  the doorway into the deeper issue that is bothering us. Anger itself is never the issue; it’s a symptom of something deeper.

The sense of loss

For many, this feeling of lack or deficiency accompanying anger has to do with a sense of real, potential or perceived loss – e.g., loss of a loved one, a job, a connection, health, wealth, privacy, “loss of face,” etc.

For many, anger is often a conscious or unconscious expression of loss of love (or relatedly, recognition, acknowledgement, approval). When we feel unloved, our anger is a calling outfor love. Our call for love, i.e., our anger, comes from our feeling rejected, betrayed, abandoned, unappreciated, or unseen. What we want and need is love.

Anger – the sense of disconnect

On a psycho/emotional and spiritual plane, anger is a form of disconnect – a disconnect from our true and real self – our essence. Our ego personality is disconnected from our soul, our Authentic Self. In addition, we may feel disconnected on a social level, a disconnection resulting from a lack of intimacy – i.e., it’s not about not having friends; it’s about the lack of a deeper, intimate soul connection with others – the reason many feel isolated, lonely or depressed even in the midst of an online social network or “real time” social network. (Do your “internet friends” really do it for you?)

Anger is a common reaction to heartbreak, rejection, even simple disagreements, by those whom we love or value.

Anger is an acting out, directed toward others, and often towards others who are not directly involved. Our anger is a sign we’re hurting (“hurt” people hurt people), and more, a sign we’re seeking healing. Anger tells us we are separate from what used to be our source of strength and love.

The love connection

Love, then, is a form of connection, first, to our true and self, then to others. Connection to our true self, our Authentic Self, is what nourishes, nurtures and feeds our sense of aliveness, worth, esteem and value. Love – connection – is what gives meaning to our life and supports us to feel we have something to contribute.

So, when we feel angry, it’s important to re-connect with our inner source of strength and love. Too, we also need to move through our angry feelings and reach out to others whom we can love. Anger will never – ever – get us love. Disconnection never attracts. Disconnection often leads to dysfunction.

The secret sauce of connection is love and caring. And connection is what supports us to feel genuinely and sincerely loved and empowered. Love transcends our personal limitations in the moment and connects us to our soul. When we express love, we’re able to move out of our emotional/reactive brain and rest in a heart-felt place of true caring and concern for our self and others. 

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Do you live by the mantra, “I’d rather be right than happy?” What’s that like?
  • How is anger manifested in your home or work environment?
  • Does your home or work environment trigger your anger? How so?
  • What emotional beliefs are underneath your anger?
  • What person, place, or issue creates the greatest feelings of anger or resentment in you. What is it about that person or situation that triggers your anger? What is your emotional belief behind that anger? How do you try to justify your anger?
  • How do you express your anger? What physiological sensations do you experience when you’re angry?
  • How do you deal with your anger?
  • When you become angry do you ever consider what you’re lacking or what you’re afraid of? If not, could you do that the next time you feel angry?
  • When someone is angry with you, do you ever respond with love? Do you ever ask them what they’re needing or fearing? If not, could you do that the next time someone becomes angry with you?
  • What was your (family’s) experience around anger like when you were growing up?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that ‘thing’ is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com


You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Challenging Times and the Mystics

Speaker pageFacebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products


Challenging Times and the Mystics

https://lnkd.in/d3g9jX5

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is-maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Karma and the 2020 Election

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Just launched – three exciting new products

“Dangerous consequences will follow when politicians and rulers forget moral principles. Whether we believe in God or karma, ethics is the foundation of every religion.” (Dalai Lama) One way Karma played out in the 2020 election.

https://lnkd.in/dAR9HuB

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The problem is…

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“The most self-destructive thought that any person can have is thinking that he or she is not in total control of his or her life. That’s when, “Why me?” becomes a theme song.” – Roger Dawson

How many times a day – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – do you hear someone say, “the problem is…” in a way that communicates: “I’m a victim;” “someone’s doing something to me;” or “I’m powerless?”  In fact, how often do you make such a comment?

“Problem” does not equal defeat

It’s not a fact that a “problem” means defeat. That’s a characterization you’re choosing to make. Like beauty, “problem” is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately, many react in a knee-jerk manner and gravitate towards the negative whenever a “problem” arises.

“We focus on the negatives, losing ourselves in the “problem.” We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize our negative feelings. This is the easy way out. It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Rather than assume a “victim consciousness” mindset in the face of a “problem,” what would it be like if you stopped, took a breath and consciously asked your heart to help you out? Our heart always has our best interest in mind. Learning to ask and trust our heart is a life-affirming practice that can relieve stress and negativity while leading us to a sense of expansiveness, lightness, equanimity, self-trust, harmony and self-confidence.

See “problem” with a new perspective

The next time you feel the tendency to exclaim, “The problem is…!” stop, take a breath and consider these seven suggestions:

1.    Know that there is no such thing as a negative “coincidence” or accident. While your mind might want to create the “problem,” the Universe aligns every event with a reason and a meaning and presents these events FOR us as learning and growth lessons. Every experience is purposeful, if we choose to seek out that purpose. That is, ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”

2.    When confronting a “problem” explore what “competence” the problem is asking you to manifest. When something negative occurs, see it as an opportunity to demonstrate your competence. No one is completely and totally “useless” when facing a problem. You may have to reflect some, maybe long and hard, but the Universe has presented you with this opportunity as a way for you to “show up” and use your talents, skills and abilities.

3.    Problems are opportunities presented for us to grow in self-confidence. While our mind might want us to shrink, go invisible and move into denial, our heart will give us the strength and courage to move forward, if we ask and trust.

4.    In addition to strength and courage, facing problems also affords us the opportunity to express other essential heart qualities: understanding, love, compassion, will, steadfastness, patience, discipline and support.

5.    One of the greatest benefits a problem affords is to the opportunity to learn: who I am and how I am in this moment. “What am I seeing in all of this?” is a powerful personal growth question. Viewing opportunities is this manner supports you to live a life that is meaningful and purposeful.

6.    Facing problems allows us to take control of our life, to have our power and be in control. Caving in, and moving into a helpless, victim consciousness results in giving our power away and allowing something or someone to control us in a way that is self-limiting, self-sabotaging and life-alienating.

7.    Finally, know that your soul has created this opportunity for you. Consciously or unconsciously, we attract what we need in order to grow and develop. While we may hate, detest or resist the “problem” in the moment, nothing is ever happening TO you; it’s happening FOR you and your heart and soul know this. It’s a question of coming to terms with this awareness from  “mental” knowing as well. There’s some part of you that requires further growth and maturation and “problems” are opportunities, are “life’s lessons” providing the continued growth and learning that support us to see the meaning and purpose of our life. 

So, the next time a problem presents itself on your life’s journey, rather than resist, hide or blame, be curious about what issues may be arising within yourself – issues you need to own and work with. Curiously enough, when we deal with our issues – honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly – various types of “problems” seem to disappear over time.

“We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.” – Margaret Mead

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Do you spend much of your time feeling like a victim and blaming others for what’s happening in your life? If so, what does spending your time that way get you? How might you invest your time more appropriately?
  • If you’ve been facing your problems responsibly over time, what have you seen/learned about yourself?
  • Do you believe the world is a fearful and dangerous place? Do you find yourself always being vigilant and watching out for potential danger? If so, why? When did you first start to do this?
  • Do you believe your inner life creates your outer life? Have you ever considered this?
  • Do you know the difference between fate and destiny? If you do, or when you find out, which one more clearly defines the way you orient to your life?
  • Do you feel your well be-ing is largely in the hand of others? How so?
  • How did you and your family deal with “problems” when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Pressure’s on

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I first published this in 2012. With the advent of the Pandemic and its attendant practices of self-isolation, self-guaranteeing, working from home, reduced in-person social engagements, etc., I thought it might be a timely reading. You can decide.


Northern Illinois University professor Larissa Barber, PhD, coined the term “telepressure” – the urge to respond immediately to work-related messages, no matter when they come.”

A study in Time magazine reports: “The majority of US workers (52 percent) check their e-mail during non-work hours, including on sick days. Depending on your employer, it may be an unspoken requirement to respond immediately, but, more likely, you respond right away not because of actual workplace policy but due to a phenomenon known as “telepressure.”

Meshing work and home

The question I would interject is “To what degree is the meshing of your work life and home life affecting your health – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological?”

Prof. Barber’s research found: “…those who felt greater telepressure, and therefore a stronger urge to check and respond to e-mails at all hours, faced some serious consequences.”

Knee-jerk reactions

Telepressure is a two edge sword – one edge, necessitating the other. On the one hand, our addiction to our devices creates a neurological dynamic in our brains, not unlike addiction, to seek more and more stimulation – checking my iPhone, checking my smart phone, checking my social media sites – non-stop, always seeking more, more and more. It’s the progressive drug that requires ever greater doses in order to satiate.

The other edge is the immediacy with which we feel compelled to reply or to respond. This immediacy often precludes what’s needed in that very moment – time to reflect, time to think, time to analyze and time to step back. This immediacy often results in less-than-optimal choices and decisions. Lose-lose.

Psycho/emotional health

Prof. Barber reports that those who engage in this constant state of stimulus and response, face some serious health consequences: worse sleep, higher levels of burnout (physical and cognitive), and increased health-related absences from work (my addition… even if you work from  home).

One unfortunate downside of always being “on” and “available” 24/7, 365 is pure and simple: exhaustion, stress, burnout, rust-out, disengagement and presenteeism (your body shows up, but you don’t). And, the fact you’re announcing to folks (i.e., “sent from my device” at all hours), “I’m always available. Contact me anytime.”

The constant wear and tear and stress that accompanies always being “on” and “available” has serious psychological effects – suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and other stress-related afflictions such as diabetes, heart attacks, depression, alcoholism and drug addiction.

The body and mind cannot race at 100 miles an hour non-stop and not break down in some way, shape or form. No matter how invulnerable or invincible you think you are.

The challenge for folks today is not how to connect but to disconnect. Our devices have become extensions of ourselves. Folks need to learn how to disconnect from their devices in order to connect or reconnect with themselves (and be OK with “aloneness”).

Other research tells us that spending an inordinate amount of time at night in artificial light, interferes with the body’s production of melatonin which helps regulate your sleep-wake cycle. People who use their computer or smartphones near bedtime are more likely to report symptoms of insomnia.

Crazy-busy
 
Many folks these days wear “crazy busy” as a merit badge. Many folks regard busyness and “living in the fast lane” as status symbols. These folks seem to think their status is in direct proportion to the number of emails they receive or number of (Zoom or Skype…) meetings they attend. Writer Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time, explains:

“…overwork has really become pervasive. I’m not talking about hard work. I’m all for hard work that we find meaning in. But overwork leaves us burned out and disengaged butts in chairs at work and fried at home without the energy to do much more than flop down in front of the boob tube.”
 
Antidotes

There are answers, or antidotes, if you’re able and willing to make some choices. Some suggestions:

Boundaries
Create boundaries between your work life and personal life. Plug-in when you’re at work and unplug when you’re not. Coming home ( or being home) and “plugging in” as a way of winding down and relaxing is powerfully self-destructive. To think of “plugging in” as a form of relaxation at home is a delusion, pure and simple. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unplug!

Exercise
Get your body moving; oxygenate your cells, your brain, your muscles, tendons and ligaments. Exercise reduces and alleviates stress. Exercise is a natural antidepressant.

Spend More Time outside
Being in nature, whether you’re actively running or walking, or gardening or simply sitting is a natural stress reducer,and can spur personal growth. And being outside, unencumbered by your devices, is even more so.

Focus on Your Breath
Research is showing more and more today than mindfulness practice, which includes slow, quiet and deep belly breathing, can support your mind, body and spirit to be in optimal balance, harmony and regulation. Every cell in your body responds positively to mindfulness and breathing practices. Mindfulness and breathing practices help to regulate the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, producing states of inner peace, equanimity, serenity, positivity and the like.

Engage in what you enjoy
Do what you enjoy doing without giving in to yours or others’ critiques or judgments. Have fun.

Watch your diet
First and foremost, do you know the science between diet and health, between diet and energy, between diet and well-being, between gut-health and overall health, between eating early in the evening and eating just before bedtime and how food affects mood, the brain and you nervous system? If not, spend some quality time doing just a bit of research about diet and health. Eat mindfully. That is, dispense with the “mechanical hand” that shoves food in nonstop, unconsciously and focus on the “what” and the “how” when you’re eating. Be as peaceful as you can – in mind, body and spirit – when you eat. Learn how to eat consciously.

Monitor your emotional state
Continually ask yourself with curiosity (and this is extremely important) and not with judgment or criticism, “What am I thinking?” And “What am I feeling?” Asking yourself these questions on a consistent basis can support you to become a witness, watcher and observer of yourself in such a that you become more and more able to move away from dysfunctional emotional states into states of positivity, stability and well-being. This practice can greatly help to reduce stress and short-circuit the beliefs and the thoughts which take you into the dark or gray places.

Connect
Loneliness is a huge stress producer. Set your intention to meet regularly with a good friend (or friends) on a regular basis (if you wear a mask and socially distance) or via Zoom, Skype, etc.,  so you can get “outside yourself.” Explore if there are ways you can serve and support others in some capacity to move out of your mental and emotional ZIP Code. Connection is good for the mind, body and soul. Know, too, there are pleasant and unpleasant ways of being alone.T

Take “FSBs” – Frequent Short Breaks.
Get yourself a timer and set it to go off every (30) minutes. When it goes off (be reasonable; don’t plan this exercise if you know you’ll be in a meeting, etc.) and when it goes off stop what you’re doing and take one to two minutes to, for example, just breathe, go for a short walk – inside or out, stare out the window, meditate, walk up and down a flight of stairs, shake your body in place, and the like. Taking frequent short breaks is a powerful way to master your emotions, reduce stress, become more productive and energized, work optimally and otherwise experience a true sense of well-being.

Questions for self-reflection:

  • How often are you “connected” to your devices at home? Are you able to “unplug” at home?
  • Does your spouse/partner ever react that you spend more time with your phone (or other device) than with him/her?
  • How knowledgeable are you about the relationship between diet and health?
  • Are you in good physical shape – but not in good psychological/emotional/spiritual health?
  • On a scale of 1(low) to 10(high) how would you describe your stress level on an average day at work, and at home?
  • Do you incorporate any of the suggestions above into your life? How so?
  • Do you go through withdrawal when you’re away from your devices for a while? What’s that like for you?
  • What’s your relationship with being alone and with loneliness?
  • Are you comfortable with silence?
  • Are you able to share your feelings with other(s) on a regular basis?

other resources:

References

Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults. 2020 National Academies of Science, Engineering, and Medicine. https://www.nap.edu/read/25663/chapter/1

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-fallible-mind/201302/would-you-rather-be-happy-or-content-the-choice-matters

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-fallible-mind/202005/escape-zoom-fatigue-and-what-do-about-it

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-fallible-mind/202003/tips-emotional-self-management-in-these-uncertain-times

https://www.cigna.com/about-us/newsroom/studies-and-reports/combatting-loneliness/, January 2020

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Are you lost? That’s a good thing.

In the midst of the current political, financial, environmental, and workplace uncertainty, and upheaval and upset many are experiencing these days, it’s not surprising to feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Worry has replaced wonder; anxiety has replaced exhilaration.

There’s a story of a man on a galloping horse who passes a bystander. The bystander yells, “Where are you going?” to which the rider responds, “I have no idea; ask my horse.”

Uncertainty
Mired in a sea of uncertainty, confusion and overwhelm, we turn to others for help. Experts who come in various shapes and forms, espousing varied hypotheses and theories, can’t agree. No one seems to know what will happen, really happen, a year, or two, or three or more down the road.

When we orient to our world from a place of fear, our orienting response takes the form of flight, fight, or freeze – we run away from our problems and challenges, we fight, often unsuccessfully, to reduce or eliminate our challenges or problems; or we stand still like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed and perplexed. More than a few are dazed and despairing.

The meaning of experience.
The fact is our problems and challenges have much to teach us, about ourselves. Even deep-seated trauma has a message – if we choose to stop, explore, inquire and ask for the teaching. That’s a huge “if.”

Encased in fear, malaise and uncertainly, we have two choices: (1) do nothing, wring our hands and hope that someone or something will take care of us and wait, or (2) ask why such events are happening FOR me, and seek the teachings/learning that comes from honestly, sincerely, and self-responsibly confronting the issues standing before us. There can be no light without darkness.

Getting lost can show us the way.
If we choose, getting lost allows us to open the door to the darkness, the unknown, and seek answers, guidance and intuitive responses to our questions. After all, we came here from the darkness and one day we’ll return to the darkness. So, why not now?

Our ego’s deep need for control is what keeps us fearful and afraid. We can choose to bypass our ego, our conditioned mind, and move towards the uncertainty which is where we find answers, the real answers to our challenges and dilemmas. The unknown does not have to be scary. Only if we choose to make it so.

Embrace the unknown
One of the benefits of welcoming and embracing the unknown is that the experience takes us out of our own rigid box and supports us to change and transform. Clarity and insight often come from confusion, if we get out of our own way and remain open to the journey of discovery.

In these dark days of gloom, fear, upset and discomfort, we can resolve, if we choose, to embrace the mystery, to surrender to uncertainty, and be open to not knowing – from a place of curiosity, excitement, and openness, rather than cringe from a place of anger, terror, angst, hate or vengeance.

There’s beauty in the dark.
There is a certainty, balance and coherence in the unknown and there is a wealth of strength, courage and steadfastness in our own soul that supports our growth and development by seeking what we don’t know, if we choose. This is the essence of true change and transformation – moving consciously through our insecurities. Becoming comfortable with our discomfort.

Getting lost is what allows us to see the truth not only of our self, but of our relationship to our work, our world, and to others.

Endings are always another beginning; darkness never exists without light.

Where is your horse taking you?

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • How are currents events affecting you – financially, emotionally, mentally, psychologically and spiritually?
  • Every cloud has a silver lining; every silver lining has a cloud. Which is your orientation to life and living? Why?
  • How do you commonly react to being/feeling “lost” or experiencing uncertainty?
  • Are you generally a fearful person? If so, why do you think that is?
  • Are you one who always needs to have all the answers?
  • Would others describe you as a controlling person?
  • Do you ever lose yourself? What’s that like for you?
  • At the top of a roller coaster, you can scream with excitement or scream with fear? Which would you do? Why?
  • What was “being lost” like for you, your parents, or your family when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering