The Voice of Doubt

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“People are disturbed not by things but by the view they take of them.” – Epictetus

Trust is the “secret sauce” of healthy and successful relationships – at work, at home and at play. Lacking trust, relationships flounder in a state of jeopardy and folks disengage, pull back, and resist connecting and being intimate. Lacking trust, people feel unsafe – physically, emotionally, mentally, or psychologically.

Mistrust is a fact of life in many relationships. However, does mistrust originate in the workplace, or on the playground, or at home? In a word, no. Mistrust is an unintended consequence of childhood experiences individuals have long before entering into relationships later in life. While mistrust is brought to relationships later in life (adolescence forward), it does not originate in those relationships.

The early years

We’re not born with an innate sense of distrust. However, long before we could spell relationship, the seeds of fear, doubt and mistrust were subconsciously planted in our minds, in our psyches, by our parents and other caregivers when we were very young (before the age of seven). In these early stages of life, e absorbed the seeds of doubt, fear and mistrust. They were nurtured by the voices we heard – voices that communicated to us, in various ways, shapes and form, that:

“You are not good.”
“You are not wanted.”
“You are not loved for who you are.”
“You are not seen for who you are.”
“You needs are a problem.”
“Your needs are not important.”
“You are not safe.”
“You will not be taken care of.”
“You will be betrayed.”
“Your presence does not matter.”
“The world is not a safe place.”

Maybe these messages were delivered in these exact words; maybe, not. However, they took the form of statements and behaviors that, in some way, shape or form, ignored us, dismissed us, made us feel small, invisible and unseen, negated and ridiculed our efforts, our creativity, our imaginations, our ideas, our thoughts, our beliefs, our interests, our aliveness, our juiciness, our silence, even our individuality.

The many positive voices we so wanted to hear, we needed to hear as children – the opposite of the voices in the above list – were seldom heard. For many of us, the voices we heard were so often negative that to this day, when we hear someone call our name, we often react in a “startled” way, fearing something negative or fearing another admonition that says we are “bad” or “wrong” – messages that are at the heart of our most basic fear, doubt and mistrust.

The voices we hear now

Read each of the statements in the list above. Then, examine your interactions of today, the past week, past month, six months or past year and see if you can pinpoint events or circumstances at work (or at home or play) where you interpreted and reacted to someone else’s words or behavior as one of the messages, above. After reflection, follow your story to ascertain the “truth” of your interpretation or reactivity. In other words, did the other person(s) (in recent events) actually mean, for example, that you are “not good,” “unwanted,” “not seen for who you are”,”do not matter” or are “bad” or “wrong” in some way?

Experience shows that our interpretations of the messages we hear (read, etc.) are most often subjective, and judgmental and, in fact, are most often “stories” we make up – not having dug deeper to explore the truth of our interpretation. When we move to fear, doubt and mistrust of others, our “story” is usually the cause. The question is, “Is my story accurate?”

Experiencing our “family” at work

Organizational psychologists have long told us that “we bring our family to work” – that many of our psycho-social-emotional dynamics which we exhibit at work reflect our “stuff” – feelings, emotions, behaviors that we initially experienced in the company of our immediate and extended family when we were growing up. Only now, in the present, in real-time, we unconsciously react to our friends, spouses, partners, colleagues, bosses, direct reports, clients, customers and the like who push our buttons as “our family” who pushed our buttons then. We project our childhood fear, doubts and mistrust on to current individuals.

Based on our childhood, internalized beliefs (which we took/take to be true), we then walk into current situations feeling small, invisible, unworthy, unimportant, insecure, unsure, a potential liability/problem, unsafe, stupid, incompetent, a bother, an irritant, and mistrusting etc. And, why wouldn’t we? If we’ve not done any personal work to explore the nature of our beliefs and feelings of lack, unworthiness and deficiency – our fears, doubts and mistrust – that’s what our antennae and radar are looking for. It’s our wiring. We turn the radio dial in our heads to “vigilance” and allow our preconditioned dispositions of fear, doubt and mistrust to direct our workplace lives.

So as we feared, doubted and mistrusted “then,” we come to current life events, circumstances, siltations and relationships consciously or unconsciously armed to fear, doubt and mistrust. When we hear the oral or written voices of those who we feel are attacking us today, we are really hearing the voices of those who surrounded us as we were growing up.

“Do not abandon trust when your ego thinks things should be different than they are.” – Wayne Dyer

The antidote to fear, doubt and mistrust

When we observe and watch our reactivity – our fear, our doubt and mistrust – there are six steps we can take to discern whether our fear, doubt and mistrust are justifiable and take action to move towards being trusting and building trusting and healthy relationships.

Uncouple – when one experiences a sense of fear or doubt, it can be helpful to ask if the feeling, emotion or sensation is “familiar,” that is, whether this seems like an “old” feeling or belief that arises again and again. Telling one’s self, “That was then; this is now” in the immediate moment can support one to uncouple (mentally, emotionally and psychologically) from old conscious or unconscious attachments to one’s family. One can then choose to view the current individual(s) in a fresh light, in a way that is detached from a habitual pattern of (family-related) reactivity and allows one to take a deep breath, see the other as a separate and distinct individual and engage in a “right-here, right-now” relationship that has no history.

Discern the “rest of the story” – when we tell ourselves a story about the other(s) that results in fear, doubt and mistrust, it’s helpful if we look to discover the rest of the story, that is, ask the other if the story we are telling ourselves is accurate. Saying something like, “I’m having this reaction to what you said/wrote and it’s bothering me and I want to check it out with you” can go a long way in both clarifying the accuracy of your reactivity, your story, and engendering a trusting relationship.

Forgive others – if someone spoke in a way that was hurtful to you. Forgiving is not condoning their behavior. It is, however, a mental and emotional way to move beyond resentment which, over time, can cause deep stress and upset that leads to dis-ease and illness on many levels. Healing occurs when we choose to give up our bitterness, resentment and anger. Remember that resentment is like taking a drug and waiting for the other person to die.

Explore – your childhood history around issues of doubt, fear, betrayal and trust in an effort to see how your issues around trust are “learned behaviors” that you have carried with you throughout your life’s journey. See (perhaps withe the support of a professional – counselor or coach) if you can observe where and when you “project” your fear, doubt and mistrust on to others and whether your projections are justified or, more probably, are “knee-jerk” programmed reactions.

Speak with others – whom you trust and support and air your feelings. Sometimes this dialogue can help you uncover “blind spots” when you are mulling things over in your head and help you gain greater clarity on an issue or feeling. Be sure those with whom you speak are good listeners who respect you, can hear you and don’t feel the need to jump in, fix you, educate you, teach you, interrogate you, or hijack your experience. This dialogue will allow you to express feelings which, if kept inside (i.e, buried, but buried alive), can only serve to rise up again and rear their ugly head, often leading to feelings of paralysis, hopelessness and helplessness that fuel fear, doubt and mistrust.

Empathize – when you are critiquing, disagreeing or pushing back on someone. Remember that everyone has limitations and blockages around trust, (i.e, their “stuff”) and communicating with empathy, understanding and compassion will go a long way in forging healthy and positive relationships – even when you disagree.

It’s good to remember that we are all a product of our upbringing and that the way someone relates to you is often not about you. Another’s fears, doubts and mistrust, like yours, are more often than not projections they put on you, and if you are caught in an unconscious reaction – you on them. Most often, even though we are “adults,” we perceive other adults through the lens of the child we once were and judge them according to the recognizable characters of our historical, familial story.

Understanding these voices and how they sow the seeds of fear, doubt and mistrust allows the possibility of communicating as who we really are, in the moment, right here and right now, and invites open, honest and mature interactions that bring us greater psycho-social-emotional well-being and authenticity.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What can you do to increase your trust? What will you do?
• Can you identify and eliminate blockages to trust, most notably your fears?
• Who and what do you trust? Are fear and doubt much of the fabric of who you are?
• How did you learn to fear, doubt and mistrust as you were growing up? Was it a healthy sense of fear, doubt and mistrust or was it a defensive, reactive sense of fear, doubt and mistrust?
• Are you seen or known as a “doubting Thomas”?
• Do you often doubt yourself? Judge yourself? Mistrust yourself?
• Do you take criticism, constructive feedback and push-back personally? Why?
• Can you see your “family” in others? How so?
• Do folks ever say you remind them of a member of their family?
• Can you envision a life where you are freer from fear, doubt and mistrust? What one baby step could you take this week to move you closer to that vision?
• Can you visualize a world where there were no fear, doubt or mistrust?

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

A Culture of Fear at Work

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page

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Every day in workplaces from the Fortune 50 to NGOs, from non-profits to mom and pop ventures, folks at work live in fear – fear of losing their jobs, fear of being judged and criticized, fear of being disliked, fear of being embarrassed, fear of being ostracized, fear of making mistakes, fear of being the target of gossip or fear of facing uncomfortable challenges or problems.

Every day folks experience inappropriate and egregious behaviors – deceit, fraud, harassment (verbal, sexual, physical, etc.), gossiping, bullying, lying, cheating and stealing. Curiously, many of our workplaces openly exhort employees to abide by their organizational values, pointing to honesty and integrity, trust and openness.  

The “dirty little secret” (maybe not so little), however, is many of our workplaces are challenged when it comes to looking into the honesty mirror. The issue around inappropriate and egregious behaviors is not so much that they exist, but that so many choose to turn a blind eye to them. Why? Because they are afraid. They live life at work in a culture of fear.  

The problem

The problem is most of us have learned to keep our fear to ourselves. We are reluctant to speak up – or out – to expose bad news to our boss, to say we screwed up and made a mistake, to ask a colleague to stop bullying or harassing us, to disclose the company is keeping two sets of books, to admit to overpaying underperforming leaders and managers, to point out where there is cheating, fraud and deceit, to expose failed processes, systems and to admit to defective products.

Fear resounds, but often very quietly. These fearful folks live life at work in denial, defensiveness and delusion – repressing, suppressing and stuffing their fear – working in a world of make-believe that all is well. They often shore themselves up with a sense of grandiosity, living the “appearance” of well-being, exuding a false persona that communicates all is well, pretending nothing is amiss. Magical thinking.

The solution  

The solution to fear begins with appreciation. How so? Appreciation means admitting our fears and owning them. Appreciation includes exploring our reluctance and our self-imposed silence that keeps us from speaking up and out exploring, consciously and deeply, the low-grade-fever type of anxiety and agitation we feel when we keep our fears tamped down, hidden, suppressed.  

Even in the midst of the intensity and the daily grind of our everyday workplace, we know and feel the silence of fear. It’s always there, lurking just below the surface. In team meetings, in one-on-one meetings, when engaging with clients and customers, direct reports and bosses, even in social situations – all the while we are in conversation and dialogue we know and sense the silence of fear. We feel the tension in our shoulders and the queasiness in our stomachs. We feel the constriction in our throats, and sense the tightness in our chest. We feel quiet, passive, withdrawn and deferential. We don’t make eye contact. We are silently angry. We feel embarrassed, cowardly, passive and reluctant. We’re there, but we’re not. We hold a large part of our self back.  

The good news is that we are experiencing our fear and it’s very supportive to notice it. It’s helpful to notice where we are at any given moment on the continuum between fear and hope – hope that our life at work will be different. It’s helpful and healing to experience an awareness of our internal conflict between being open, honest and authentic, and being shut down and constricted in order to survive in our life at work, to save our self, our reputation, or our paycheck. Awareness is the first powerful step to change. Now that I notice my fear, then what?  

Showing up  

The opposite of being fearful is being courageous. Being courageous is not about “not having fear.” Being courageous is about showing up, authentically, in integrity in spite of our fear – trusting that we can access an internal sense of “right knowing,” “right understanding” and engage in “right action” and then doing our best  and being our best for our own sake and the sake of our organization, team, or unit.   

Fear has no purpose. There is no “upside” to being afraid. From a place of authenticity and integrity we can acknowledge there’s no sense in being fearful. Being authentic means to forward the action of our life in spite of fear and that by acknowledging we are afraid, we can be present to our experience, allow what we are feeling, breathe deeply and intentionally, sense “inside” and activate and generate the energy of courage, will and strength to “show up.”  

Living and engaging in life, in life at work, beyond the silence of fear allows us to look at ourselves and see how we deny our fear by going silent. (Remember that when we try to bury our feelings, we bury them “alive.”) When we admit our fear, and be open to it, the shackles of fear are loosened. We become free when we openly speak out about our fears, and allow others to speak about theirs. The truth does set you free.   When we hear others talk about their fears of being fired, or reprimanded or denigrated for saying or doing something, we need to compassionately listen to them and create a container of safety to support their disclosing.

Critical to shedding our fears, and acting courageously, is admitting to the discomfort that fear causes us. Having it, but not being it.  

Self-awareness with respect to “who we are” and “how we are” in the workplace helps to create a workplace climate and culture that is open and freeing, not fear-based.

Being open to feedback and constructive criticism (by and from all those with whom we work above us, below us, next to us), listening empathically, actively and deeply, cooperating with colleagues, respecting others’ privacy and individuality, discussing difficult issues from a heart-felt place, and acknowledging that many, many others, in addition to ourselves, are steeped in fear in their day-to-day life at work, are ways we create a safe, open and honest workplace environment.  

Each one of us is worthy to be free from fear at work. Being free from fear at work starts with you.  

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who or what causes you to experience fear at work, to not speak up or out?
• Can you acknowledge your fears? Can you give yourself permission to feel afraid?
• When was the last time you spoke up or out against an inappropriate workplace action or behavior?
• Do you ever confide in others about your workplace fears? Do others confide in you?
• Are you open to admitting your mistakes?
• What is your organizations culture around making mistakes?
• Are you afraid to give or receive “bad news?”
• Are you afraid of being criticized, embarrassed, or disliked? Why?
• Are you afraid of confronting a serious workplace issue or challenge? Why?
• Do you attempt to mask your workplace fears? How so? Does it work? Really, really work?
• Do you generally have the courage to speak up in spite of feeling fearful?
• Do you feel authentic at work?
• Is the silence of fear peaceful and quiet (internally) for you? Honestly?
• What one or two baby steps could you take to act courageously in spite of your fear, to step beyond the silence of fear?
• Did you (learn to) express your fears as a child? How was that for you?

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”  

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.  

I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Passion and Purpose at Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page

There’s much discussion these days about passion and purpose in the workplace. A Google search of passion at work results in 569,000,000 hits. Purpose at work? 691,000,000.

Passion and purpose are a tag-team relationship. One without the other is more often than not self-limiting and self-sabotaging.

Passion without purpose is akin to “all dressed up and no place to go.” Purpose without passion is like living in a fantasy world, completely in one’s head, absent any action or activity.

Too, many often confuse passion and purpose.

Defining passion and purpose

So, let’s explore the difference between passion and purpose and then see how do the two connect. Purpose defines why one is on the planet. Some refer to purpose as a calling. Others, as one’s “life work.” Passion is energy – emotional, physical, mental, psychic and, often, spiritual – that drives one and supports one to engage in, and focus on, one’s efforts – effort that is sometimes purposeful, sometimes not. 

The connection

When connected to purpose, passion supports one to energetically and intentionally engage in one’s purpose, on one level, and be a continuous learner, strive towards self-actualization, and look for ways to continually improve what one does and how one does it, on another.  However, passion, in and of itself, can be as much self-limiting, self-destructive, self-sabotaging, and hurtful to others as it can be self-supporting. It depends on how one chooses to channel one’s energy, one’s passion. For example,

• Some passionate folks dress up and go to sporting events to engage in harassment, uncivil, disrespectful and hurtful behavior in the name of “I’m really passionate about my team.”
• Colleagues at work can unfairly judge others, bully others, engage in gossip about, be rude to, demeaning and disrespectful to others  if they perceive those others as being less skilled, less intelligent, as in “I’m really passionate about what I do and so, why do you have to be so stupid!” Often folks feel their passion allows them to be disrespectful, hurtful.
• In addition, folks can be passionate about coming home at night and binging on alcohol, food or chemical or non-chemical drugs.

Passion is energy

The important question is, towards what end is one’s passion directed? Is one’s passion positive, supportive of one’s self, others and humanity? Is it negative, self-destructive or harmful to one’s self, others and humanity?

Being passionate doesn’t automatically assume one is humble, emotionally intelligent or mature, good at relationships, acting in integrity, honest, even skilled or talented, etc. Passion is just energy. Purpose, then, completes the passion equation and gives passion a “raison d’etre.”

Without purpose as an anchor, passion has no inner or outer guidance system. Without a purpose, one often will feel disoriented in life, out-of-sync and unhappy. In my work as a coach, I’ve always been curious about folks who (1) face a mid-life crisis at 30!, and and/or (2) spend countless dollars, enormous amounts of time and energy studying, for example, law, medicine, IT, finance, management, etc., and end up literally hating what they’re doing, and sooner rather than later.

In some of these cases, folks choose to enter a profession/career area because they were directed by career folks, career coaches, career consultants, etc., of one kind of another who suggested that their interest, talent, or other assessments pointed them in a particular direction they should follow.  You’re really talented in (fill in the blank). Your assessment indicates you’re best suited for (fill-in the blank). Ergo, your path. Your “purpose.” Hmmm. Not so fast.

What career folks, parents, relatives, good friends etc., almost never measure is heart. Heart is the focal point of purpose. Not the mind. Not logic. Not what’s sexy.  Not what The Futurist says one should do, and especially, not “Hey, you’re really good at (blank) so why don’t you pursue (blank)?” Some never get it. Purpose is not a career area, a job, a talent, an expertise.

Purpose, however, can be manifested by working in a career area, a job, using a talent or manifesting an expertise. The difference is the quality of the energy (passion) one brings to that endeavor, and whether one’s actions and work are “purposeful.” For example, take two lawyers, two IT professionals, two managers, two bloggers who both do the same work, but their energy, their engagement, their true love (not ego) of the work, their stick-to-it-ive-ness, their steadfastness, their joy of work, their sense of inner peace and well-being, depends on whether or not they are “on purpose” when doing their work (only the purposeful are truly engaged). They can be on opposite ends of the “purpose” spectrum. One has their heart in it; the other muddles through with an ugh at every turn.

Purpose and the heart

So, purpose is the anchor, the beacon, the direction, the career compass that guides one to making choices and decisions that keep one living a life “on purpose.” Without such a guide, then, are those many who hit a dead end at 30 (then 40, 50), and constantly wonder, “Is this all there is?” Or, “I have all this talent, and I don’t understand why I’m not happy.”

The heart is what drives purpose, not the mind, not the ego. When one has one’s heart in one’s work, one’s play, one’s life, then meaning and fulfillment abound; they are, and feel, purposeful in their work, in their life. When all is ego-driven, when one has “figured it out” in their mind, meaning is most often trumped by unhappiness, agitation, and constant negative judgments, making invidious comparisons with others while always feeling to some degree, lacking, deficient, and disconnected. And from what do they feel disconnected, perhaps unaware? Their heart, their purpose, their True, Authentic Self, their Essence. The ego mind, logic, assessments, “thinking” and “figuring it out” are not the path to purpose. The heart is.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you characterize your relationship to your work?
• How did you arrive at doing the work you’re doing?
• Do you feel purposeful in your work? Do you feel “coerced” to work or “called” to work
• Do you feel passionate about your work? What motivates you to go to work?
• Do you feel completely engaged when you’re at work?
• Why are you on the planet? What is your purpose in life?
• What is the legacy you’d like to leave behind? What will others say about you when you’re gone – about you as a professional, a spouse, a partner, a parent, a friend…?
• What are three things you’re passionate about? How you do express this passion?
• Are you following your life’s purpose? How do you know?
• If you really, really dislike your work, what story do you tell yourself to justify your doing it?

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship?

Maybe you know what that thing is maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”  

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work.

I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.  

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Who Knows Best?

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better you book page

The reality, the truth, is no one else knows what’s best for us. And, conversely, we do not know what’s best for others. Our job, our responsibility is to determine what’s best for ourselves.

“I know exactly what you need.” I know what you should do.” I have the answer for you.” I don’t think you should do this.” “This is what you should be working on, focusing on, or pursuing right now.”

Each of these statements is bold, presumptuous, disrespectful and discourteous.  These statements (or beliefs!) separate us from how we operate from a spiritual perspective in our lives – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. How so?

Each of us has the ability and the capacity to be able to discern and discover our own path, and our own way forward, right here and right now. This discerning and discovery is not always easy. Life is often about the struggle and effort that’s sometimes requires us to go inside and rest in this quiet, still place of discovery. The place of right knowing, right understanding and right action.

Advising others, educating others, making decisions for others, plotting and planning their journey and crafting their strategy for moving forward, is not our responsibility, nor should it be. Nor is it their responsibility to direct our journey, to find out path for us.

Even if you have some kind of “contract” with another – friend, relative, coach, counselor, clergy person, etc. – for guidance or support, no one else always knows what’s best for us, nor should we trust that they do.

Each of us is responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. It is also our responsibility to consciously sift through and sort out that information, and then “go inside” to weigh the merits of that information, to discern what we think and feel is best for us. Nobody can know that but each of us in our own way – nobody.

The way we can support, honor and truly respect others is to trust that they have their own internal guidance system, their own internal source of wisdom and their own internal capacity to discern what is in their best and highest good and interest, and that they will discover their path through trial and error – living life.  

And us? To trust that we, each of us, through discovery in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment – through the process of living life, making mistakes, taking wrong turns, stumbling and getting up – is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you depend on others to make life choices for you – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? If so, do you know why?  
• Do others rely on you to make life choices and decisions for them? And do you? Why? 
• Is carving out your life’s path fearful, shaky? How so? Does the fear stop you? If so, why?
• What have you learned about yourself while discovering your own path? 
• How/what did your parents or primary caregivers teach you about depending on them or others for support?   
• Have you even been in a codependent (needy) relationship with another – parent, sibling, spouse or partner, coach, counselor or religious or spiritual guide? What was/is that like for you? What does/did it get you? 
• Do you take time for journaling, reflecting or contemplation on a regular basis? Do you ever practice presence or mindfulness?  
• What’s it like for you to sit in stillness or silence?
• How do you access your inner guidance or wisdom? Do you believe you have the capacity for inner guidance or wisdom?  Do you trust your gut? When do you…when don’t you?

(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship?

Maybe you know what that thing is maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”  

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering