People Do What People See

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page
—————————————————————————

Dr. John C. Maxwell, one of the nation’s leading experts on leadership, notes that in one’s life – as a leader, manager or supervisor – there are many things that are beyond one’s control.

Control

For example, in your current position, you cannot control what your people say about you or think about you. Moreover, you have no control over the decisions prospective clients make about your company or organization. You have no control over your competitors’ marketing tactics. And, finally, you cannot control the national economy, the stock market or the weather.

However, even in the midst of chaos, in a fickle economy, and in an uncertain environment, there is one element over which you do have absolute control. That is your integrity. “When it comes to being honest, principled and ethical,” Dr. Maxwell says, “you are the master of your own destiny. Other people and external forces might test it in various ways, but at the end of the day, you alone control your integrity.”

When it comes to integrity, there is no such thing as “compartmentalization.” It’s something you wear, manifest, and exhibit 24/7, 365.

Integrity is all-pervasive

Integrity permeates every aspect of our lives. It’s not a quality that we manifest only “at home” or “at church.” Integrity is not like a robe – something we wear when it feels right or something we put on and take off depending on how we feel in a particular circumstance, situation or event.

As Dr. Maxwell states, “People of integrity don’t live bifurcated lives; their morals, ethics, treatment of others and overall character are the same wherever they are, whatever they’re doing. This foundational element of leadership crosses economic, geographic, religious, cultural and socioeconomic boundaries.”

Federal Express founder Fred Smith says, “If you look at every religion in the world, they all have the identical Golden Rule, almost word for word. It does not make any difference what religion or geography it is. There are universally transferable fundamental truths about how you treat people in both the business world and in the larger scheme of things.”

So, living with, and in, integrity, each of us sets an example that has a far-reaching impact – over and above any words we utter.

Integrity and example

And so this notion of living with integrity leads to another, i.e., leading by example. In every leadership text ever written, in every leadership seminar or workshop offered, there is one sacrosanct principle that inevitably comes into play, namely, an effective leader or manager must lead by example. Why? Simply, people do what people see – at work, at home, at play.

Dr. Maxwell offers four ways the “leading by example” principle applies to our workplace:

“First of all, it’s the No. 1 motivational principle. If you want to motivate your people to go to a whole new level, get motivated to grow and develop yourself. Remember, people do what people see.”

Second, it’s the No. 1 training principle. “When someone asks me, ‘How do you train your people?’ I don’t have to think twice about it – people do what people see. If they see their leaders constantly learning and acquiring new skills and competencies, they’ll be inspired to do the same.”

Thirdly, “people do what people see” is the No. 1 mentoring principle. “What do you do when you mentor someone? With discernment and as appropriate to their challenges, you flesh out your life for them – you give them an insider’s view of what you’re experiencing and how you’re handling it.” The goal, of course, is for the person you’re mentoring to learn from your mistakes and successes so that when they are faced with something similar, they make the right choices.

Finally, it’s the No. 1 values principle. “A company might spend a great deal of time formulating impressive-sounding values statements and core beliefs, but these principles don’t mean anything unless the leaders in the company – from the corner office on down – model them consistently.”

When it comes to integrity and leading by example, it’s also critical to ensure the leadership is adhering to “right values.” Paul O’Neill, retired Alcoa chairman and former Treasury Secretary, says: “If people can find even trivial examples of deviation, those deviations will become the norm,” he says. “You really have to be almost religious in making sure that you don’t do something somebody can point to in a negative way.”

So, the bottom line, economically, financially and otherwise, is that if you choose to lead by example in a positive way in your organization, you must be committed to living a life of integrity. “When you’re right on the inside, you lead correctly on the outside.” It starts with you and spreads out to everyone in your circle of influence. If you want to be a successful leader, manager, or supervisor in these days of economic uncertainty and turbulence, live with integrity and lead by example. Remember, people do what people see – your people.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• As a leader, manager or supervisor, how do you define integrity? As one of some six billion human beings  on the planet, how do you define integrity? Any difference?
• How do you “show up” in integrity in your day-to-day interactions with stakeholders, e.g., supervisors, peers, direct reports, clients/customers, stockholders, the public, etc? With your spouse/partner, children, friends, neighbors…?
• When it comes to integrity, would you say you lead by example? Do you feel your colleagues and peers (and others) would agree with you?
• If you’re not batting a thousand when it comes to integrity, what one action can you take right now to begin to get back on the integrity track?
• Do you ever wear integrity as a cloak – putting it on and taking it off when convenient? Why?
• How did you learn about and experience integrity when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

Resistance to Change

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page
————————————————————————-
Whenever human beings are exposed to change at work (or at home, at play or in relationship), resistance is a natural and common phenomenon. Even if change is the “solution” one needs to plan for resistance.

The important question is: “Can you risk not dealing openly, honestly, directly and self-responsibly with resistance?” The challenge with change is how one adapts to and how one makes change sustainable; the flip side of which is: what gets in the way of adapting, and sustainability?

Generally speaking, there are three strategies folks use to deal with resistance to change. The first is, the “Nike” way – just do it. A second is the “go along to get along” strategy. And the third is to create change yourself with the notion that if I create it, I won’t resist it at the same time. Hmmm

Some common tactics folks use when dealing with one’s own, or others’, resistance to change include conversations, confrontations, assessments, 360 feedback, anger management classes, criticism and “guilting,” bribery, threats, training, EAP programs, coddling, juggling  title/position and the like.

The downside of such strategies and tactics is, as often as not, they result, not in true and real change, but in compliance – going along to get along, no true and real commitment, buy-in or sincere engagement. The difficulty with compliance is, it’s often passive-aggressive and results in unhealthy and deceptive behaviors. The resistance is not reduced or lessened and, before long, resistance will rear its ugly head again.

Such strategies and tactics deal more with the symptoms of resistance than the resistance itself. And the only open, honest and direct way to deal with resistance is to deal with the root cause of resistance, which is fear

Fear

People’s three greatest needs are: control, recognition and security. When these needs are threatened, people resist. Generally speaking, primary reasons people resist change are the fear of:

• how it will be affect me
• something unfamiliar
• the unknown
• giving up control
• the “new me”
• giving up the “old me” – i.e., my identity

The real or perceived loss of control, recognition or security (mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially, financially…) is what’s underneath resistance, notwithstanding the fact that people will go to great lengths to create rationalizations, justifications, excuses, and “stories” to support their resistance  – looking to and pointing to something or someone outside themselves as the “reason” for the resistance. It may be an external symptom triggering resistance but the real cause is always “inside.”

What causes the fear?

The cause of the fear is perception. Perception is how we orient to our world based on our experience, our memory and our history. If we brought everyone who is reading this into a room and proceeded to show a movie of the world going by, in real-time, it’s quite likely each individual in this room would have a different “interpretation” of what is happening based on their individual experience, history and memory.

So, when we experience change, the way we interpret it results in whether we engage in an action or reaction, a positive move forward vis-a-vis the change or a knee-jerk type of resistance based on how we’re programmed or wired to deal with change.

Each of us secretly believes that our perception of reality is the “accurate perception.” And if I believe my perception of reality is the “accurate” perception, then what does that say about your perception? This causes conflict and resistance.

Each of our perceptions determines what we experience and how we interpret what we experience. So, when one is resisting change, it’s most often because the change one is experiencing runs “counter” to how we believe the world should be.

The antidote

The antidote to dealing with resistance to change is not to deal with the surface behaviors, but to deal with the root cause – fear.

This is often where many “change management” folks stop dead in their tracks with a “deer the headlight” startle (fight, flight, freeze or faint) response. They say it’s messy, uncomfortable, “new-agey, touchy-feely, “fluff…”. In essence, these are the defensive stances they assume because dealing with emotions is uncomfortable.

My take in my experience is that until or unless organizations legitimize dealing with emotions and feelings, foster open and honest communication about feelings and support employees to express their feelings absent overt or subtle push-back, the negative emotional undercurrents that prevent any organization from becoming a healthy organization will continue to adversely affect morale, performance, production, success and profits.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• If you were to look down from 10,000 feet and reflect on your relationship with change over the past day, week, month or year, what do you notice about yourself? What would others say about you?
• Are you generally open, positive and curious about change? Are you more negative and resistant? What keeps you from looking at change more positively?
• What change(s) are you facing in your life at this moment? Are you open or resistant? Why? Really, really, why?
• If you’re currently resisting a change, is the root cause related to the fear of loss of control recognition and/or security? How so?
  How did your parents or primary care givers deal with change when you were growing up?
• How do you generally deal with your feelings of discomfort?
• Do you become defensive when things don’t go your way? What would others say about you?
• My definition of change is “Becoming comfortable with your discomfort.” What/how do you feel (sense your body) on reading that? Why?
  —————————————————–
  (c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

The Cold Within

 

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page

While I was out running this morning, I was thinking about the cloud of sadness that envelops the planet- the sadness that lies underneath the anger, vitriol, disrespect, resentment, jealousy, rage, hate, fear, and terror that inform and drive so many folks in their day-to-day dealings with others.

Then, coming in, I happened on this poem and thought, “Hmmm, synchronicity.” So, I thought I’d share it with you this week.

The poem, written in the 1970s by James Patrick Kinney called, “The Cold Within” reminds me (us?) what’s at stake as we collectively (like it or rot) move forward.

“Six humans trapped by happenstance,
In black and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood,
Or so the story’s told.

Their dying fire in need of logs,
The first woman held hers back.
For on the faces around the fire,
She noticed one was black.

The next man looking ‘cross the way,
Saw one not of his church,
And couldn’t bring himself to give,
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes;
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use,
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought,
Of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned,
From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man’s face bespoke revenge,
As the fire passed from his sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood,
Was a chance to spite the white.

And the last man of this forlorn group,
Did naught, except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave,
Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death’s still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didn’t die from the cold without
They died from the cold within.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What do you sense in your body as you read this? What emotions or feelings do these sensations communicate?
• Do you see any part of you reflected in one or more of these individuals?
• Did/do you ever live life from a “zero-sum” game perspective?
• Do you ever experience (in yourself) jealousy, resentment, “righteous indignation,” arrogance, “giving to get” behaviors, revenge, spite, guilt, shame…? How so? Under what circumstances? Do you try to justify these feelings or behaviors? How so? What are the stories you use?
• What are you doing with your stick of wood these days?

————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

What is a Conscious Relationship?

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page

When I ask couples if their relationship is a “conscious” relationship, some of the partners will respond, “Yes,” “Sure,” and the like. When I ask if they’re 100% transparent and honest with one another, well that’s another story. Being transparent means you honestly, consistently tell the truth to each other – about your feelings, desires, fantasies, thoughts, actions, and all other important aspects of your experience.

At this point the discomfort is palpable – for one or both – a little squirm, a fidget, or a quick stare at the floor or ceiling. Hmmm.   So, what does a “conscious” relationship look like, feel like, and sound like?

Friendship

The most important quality of a conscious relationship is friendship – i.e., you actually LIKE your partner. Truth is, there are many relationships where the partners are “in love,” but, in actuality, they don’t really “like” him or her. Relationship expert, John Gottman, author of the best-selling, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” says friendship is the “secret sauce” of happy and successful relationships. Specifically, friendship is “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Friends know each other intimately, “… they are well-versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.”

The importance of friendship cannot be overstated. Many relationships derail because, at the outset, they were created based on the “packaging” rather than on a deeper, more substantial connection, such as true and real (read: “non-Facebook-like) friendship.

Problem-solving

A second element of a conscious relationship deals with how the partners work out conflict. Conscious partners are able AND willing to meet conflict head-on, explore their own and the other’s goals and move towards solutions that are mutually beneficial, for the good of “we/us.”   As such, conscious partners openly communicate they accept the other’s personality. Successful conflict resolution depends on “knowing and believing” your partner understands you. And, friendship supports this understanding.   Where friendship is nonexistent or waning, one and/or the other partner often feels misunderstood, or judged or even rejected by the other (overtly or silently).

Successful conflict resolution is all about telling the truth and truth-telling from the perspective of a friend, not an adversary.   Conscious partners approach conflict resolution from a place of “I don’t have to be right,” rather than “I need to be right, so you need to be wrong.” Mutual respect and win-win are the operating principles.  

Communication  

Open and honest communication (early and often!) is one of the most fundamental foundations of a conscious relationship. Open and honest communication keeps the relationship alive and growing – forcing one to be a truth-seeker and a truth-teller, i.e., no blaming, no finger-pointing, no denial, no deception and no defensiveness. Emotions, feelings, fears – it’s all good.  

Clarity

In a conscious relationship, each partner is clear about their own life purpose, goals, visions, and dreams. Each is proactively curious about these same aspects of their partner. Further, in conscious relationships, each partner is supportive (rather than threatened by) the other’s purpose, visions, and goals, and proactively contributes to their partner’s journey. Moreover both partners are absolutely clear about their own and their partner’s requirements, needs and wants when it comes to factors as: monogamy, drug-taking, open communication, money, shared responsibilities, religion, children, parenting, in-laws, etc.

Quality time

Another characteristic of a conscious relationship – a very critical quality, especially in this age of social networking – is that both partners proactively choose to spend quality time together, even though at times it may seem uncomfortable or even irritating. This is especially true when one or the other partner is caught up in social networking or electronic gadgetry or personal hobbies and interests. Conscious relationships are first and foremost about the partners’ both finding and making time for each other even when it is inconvenient In essence, this means that one views one’s partner as a priority in their life.

Intimacy

Intimacy is another element that supports a conscious relationship. Intimacy is the container in which partners can talk with each other, and be and feel vulnerable, in a place that is safe and secure. In this mutually-created space, partners can openly speak about their deepest secrets, their deepest fears in a way that allows one’s partner to see inside them. With respect to sex, intimacy means requesting what you want and responding in kind to your partner’s requests. As John Gottman says, partners in conscious relationships, “…see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.”

Trust

Conscious relationships create, from the very outset, a container of trust. Partners in a conscious relationship continually build on this mutual trust. This solid foundation of trust that supports one or the other partner to muster courage, strength, will, and steadfastness to move away from anyone or anything that might threaten the relationship.

Equality

In a conscious relationship, no one is “better” than the other – on any level. Each brings to the relationship their own personal biography and biology – their fears, their worries, their challenges, their weaknesses and strengths.   Partners in a conscious relationship are not obsessed with power, control or influence. Each partner in a conscious relationship has his or her own boundaries which the other both understands and respects.

Consciousness

Partners in a conscious relationship are continually moving toward increased awareness and consciousness with respect to “who I am” and “how I am” in the relationship. If either or both partners are lacking in some area of interpersonal, interactive skills, they’re open to learning what they need to know – knowledge or skills.   In essence, a conscious relationship means that one partner relates to himself or herself through the other. Each partner acts as a mirror for the other. Each becomes, and this is critical, a source of feedback for the other. Not judgmental, not critical, but from an open, loving, heartfelt place, each partner mirrors back the other. It’s this mirroring that fosters self-awareness and growth.

Growth, not perfection

Everyone is wounded in childhood. And we heal in relationship. But only if we choose to. Those in a conscious relationship have made this choice to heal and grow through their relationship, not become the perfect self.   When two conscious individuals work in harmonious fashion, growth and change result. Much of this change revolves around dealing with old, self-destructive and self-sabotaging patterns of behavior, fueled by emotional baggage that each of the partners has brought with them from childhood.

Being in a conscious relationship is not easy. Being in any relationship is not easy. The difference? In a conscious relationship old wounds and hurts don’t simply surface over and over again but are worked on, massaged, metabolized and understood and in the process of understanding and forgiving one’s self and other, both partners change.

In a conscious relationship, where true love (and like) exist from moment to moment, each partner supports the other, without judgment, and from a place of compassion, understanding and empathy. This is the ground for emotional and spiritual healing. It’s not always an easy experience. It takes a great deal of strength, courage, caring and commitment to become conscious.

Conscious relationships are the answer to serial monogamy, continued failed relationships, and to dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships.   Heart- and soul-centered, conscious relationships are a journey, never a destination, but a journey well worth taking.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Would you describe your relationship as conscious? If, not, what’s standing in the way? Honestly.
• If you’re not in a conscious relationship, how does that make you feel?
• Were your parents in a conscious relationship when you were growing up?
• If you are not in a conscious relationship, what would it look like and feel like to be in one?
• What small baby steps can you begin to take to move into a more conscious relationship?
• Should you take those steps?
• Will you?
• When?

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering