The afterlife – right here on earth

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

One night, a man (generic) had a dream, and in the dream an angel comes and takes him on a tour of heaven and hell. They visit hell first. It turns out that hell, surprisingly enough, is a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink one could possibly want. The people at the tables, however, are angry, frustrated, rude, despairing, depressed, stressed, thin, emaciated and wasting away. The silverware in hell is about four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. Thus, all these folks, who are interested only in feeding themselves, are unable to do so, are unable to manage a four-foot utensil in such a way they can bring the other end to their own mouth.

They leave hell and then go to visit heaven.

It turns out that heaven, surprisingly enough, is also a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink you could possibly want. The folks in heaven are joyful, happy, content, engaged, and manifest a healthy sense of well-being. The silverware is exactly the same as in hell, four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. The difference? Here, in heaven, the people are reaching across the table and feeding each other.

In every conscious, healthy social system, in every work environment, everyone, yes, everyone, makes a contribution – overtly or covertly, actively or passively, consciously or unconsciously and, most importantly, for the “good of the order” or, conversely, for the “ill of the organization” – but everyone, i.e., you, contributes one way or another.

Your beliefs about yourself and your colleagues and how you see others contribute to whether you are creating heaven or hell in your life in some way, shape or form.

How do you experience life in your organization (or, in your family or relationship)?

Who are you feeding?

Is your life at work centered on feeding your self?

Consider:

Is your life at work “all about me?”  Is “What’s in it for me?” your motive and mantra when you relate to others? Are you a bully, gossiper or blamer? Do coercion, dominance, power or control characterize your leadership or management style? Are folks expendable in a “take no prisoners’ approach to project management or meeting deadlines? Do you hoard information? Are you critical of others’ behaviors? Are your motives based solely on promotions, raises, corner offices and bonuses? Do you sacrifice integrity, trust, ethics or morals to garner money or prestige? Do you show favoritism? Do you see others as “stupid?” Do you ignore others’ requests, emails, and questions? Do you shun accountability for your actions and behaviors? Do you focus only on your own immediate tasks and responsibilities? Do you avoid conflict? Do you exhibit bias or prejudice? Are you disrespectful or uncooperative? Do you have hidden agendas? Do you make more statements than ask questions? Do you engage in irrational or argumentative thinking or emotional reactivity? Are you inflexible, selfish, arrogant or egotistical?

Or, perhaps your life at work is centered on feeding others?

Consider:

Do you encourage and inspire your colleagues? Do you live in integrity and authenticity? Do folks experience you as decent, honest, respectful and trustworthy? Do you assume accountability for your actions and mistakes? Do you think more about supporting others than about what’s wrong with others? Do you feel everyone has a right to a seat at the table? Are listening and coaching hallmarks of your leadership or management style? Do you show confidence in your direct reports? Do you exhibit empathy and concern for others’ well-be-ing? Are you energetic, upbeat, enthusiastic and optimistic? Do you encourage others to experience work-life balance? Are you self-aware and master of your emotions? Do you take time for self-reflection and encourage others to do so as well? Do you lead and manage with your heart as well as your head? Do you exude self-confidence? Do you live your organization’s values? Do you encourage others to contribute their thoughts, ideas and wisdom? Do you treat others like adults? Do you engage in open and honest communication, and give honest and timely feedback? Do you praise in public and deal privately with problems? Are you fair in your dealings with others? Do you act as a facilitator and guide? Are you an advocate for others? Are you humble? Do you make an effort to understand before being understood? Are you comfortable with conflict? Are you aware of your own limitations? Do you understand the challenges folks are facing and what frustrates them? Do you encourage collaboration and information sharing? Do you point out folks’ strengths? Do you honor your commitments and keep your promises?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of hell in your workplace?  If so, what story or stories do you make up to rationalize/justify your attitudes and actions to allow this to happen?
• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of heaven in your workplace? What attitudes and actions support your contribution?
• How might your colleagues answer these two questions regarding you, your attitudes and behavior? Honestly.
• How about life outside of work  – at home, at play and in relationships – who’s feeding whom?

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

Am I On The Road To Burnout?

 

 

 

 

 

Speaker page, Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

There’s no question that stress and its related ailments are appearing in epidemic proportions in our lives, especially the workplace. Burnout at work is at an all-time high.

If, in the beginning, your job seems perfect, the solution to all your problems, you have high hopes and expectations, and would rather work than anything else, be wary. You’re a candidate for the most insidious and tragic kind of job stress – burnout, a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by unrealistically high aspirations and illusory and impossible goals.

Potential for burnout increases dramatically depending on who you are, where you work, and what your job is. If you’re a hard worker who gives 110 percent, an idealistic, self-motivated achiever who thinks anything is possible if you just work hard enough, you’re a possible candidate. The same is true if you’re a rigid perfectionist with unrealistically high standards and expectations. In a job with little recognition and few rewards for work well done, particularly with frequent people contact or deadlines, you advance from a possible to a probable candidate.

The road to burnout is paved with good intentions. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being an idealistic, hardworking, or self-motivating achiever, and there’s nothing wrong with having high aspirations and expectations. Indeed, these are admirable traits in our culture. Unreality is the villain. Unrealistic job aspirations and expectations are doomed to frustration and failure. The burnout candidate’s personality keeps him/her striving with single-minded intensity until s/he crashes.

Burnout proceeds by stages that blend and merge into one another so smoothly and imperceptibly that the victim seldom realizes what happened even after it’s over.

These stages include:

1. The Honeymoon

During the honeymoon phase, your job is wonderful. You have boundless energy and enthusiasm and all things seem possible. You love the job and the job loves you. You believe it will satisfy all your needs and desires and solve all your problems. You’re delighted with your job, your co-workers and the organization.

2. The Awakening

The honeymoon wanes and the awakening stage starts with the realization that your initial expectations were unrealistic. The job isn’t working out the way you thought it would. It doesn’t satisfy all your needs; your co-workers and the organization are less than perfect; and rewards and recognition are scarce.

As disillusionment and disappointment grow, you become confused. Something is wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Typically, you work even harder to make your dreams come true. But working harder doesn’t change anything and you become increasingly tired, bored, and frustrated. You question your competence and ability and start losing your self-confidence.

3. Brownout

As brownout begins, your early enthusiasm and energy give way to chronic fatigue and irritability. Your eating and sleeping patterns change and you indulge in escapist behaviors such as sex, drinking, drugs, partying, or shopping binges. You become indecisive, and your productivity drops. Your work deteriorates. Co-workers and superiors may comment on it.

Unless interrupted, brownout slides into its later stages. You become increasingly frustrated and angry and project the blame for your difficulties onto others. You are cynical, detached, and openly critical of the organization, superiors, and co-workers. You are beset with depression, anxiety, and physical illness. Drugs or alcohol are often a problem.

4. Full Scale Burnout

Unless you wake up and interrupt the process or someone intervenes, brownout drifts remorselessly into full-scale burnout. Despair is the dominant feature of this final stage. This may take several months, but in most cases it involves a couple to three years.  You experience an overwhelming sense of failure and a devastating loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. You become sad, or depressed and feel alone, lonely and empty.

Life seems pointless or hopeless and there is a paralyzing, “what’s the use” pessimism about the future. You talk about, “just quitting and getting away.” You are exhausted physically and mentally. Physical and mental challenges are likely. Suicide, stroke, or heart attack are not unusual as you complete the final stage of what all started with such high hopes, energy, optimism, and enthusiasm.

5. The Phoenix Phenomenon

You can arise Phoenix-like from the ashes of burnout, but it takes time. First of all, you need to rest and relax. Don’t take work home. If you’re like most, the work won’t get done and you’ll only feel guilty for being “lazy.”

In coming back from burnout, be realistic in your job expectations, aspirations, and goals. It’s a good idea to enlist the support of a coach, counselor, clergy person or trusted friend to discuss your feelings, your present and your future. This is the time to reassess your values, your intentions, your aspirations and your goals and to ensure that your goals are your goals and not someone else’s. Trying to be and do what someone else wants you to be or do is a surefire recipe for continued frustration and burnout.

A final tip–create balance in your life. Invest more of yourself in family and other personal relationships, social activities, and hobbies. Spread yourself out so that your job doesn’t have such an overpowering influence on your self-esteem and self-confidence.

(Adapted from The Stress Solution by Lyle H. Miller, Ph.D., and Alma Dell Smith, Ph.D.)

Some questions for self-reflection:

• On a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) where do you feel you are on the burnout scale?
• On a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high) what degree of stress are you experiencing in your work life? In your life in general?
• Do you deal with stress proactively, acknowledging it and taking healthy and healthful action to reduce and alleviate it? Or do you “medicate” stress with food, sex, drugs, alcohol, sleep, TV, and other escapist and “numbing out” activities?
• Are you living your visions, your values, and your goals or the goals and expectations of someone else (for example, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, past school buddies, TV and media personalities, etc.)? How do you know?
• How do co-workers, colleagues, family, and friends feel you handle stress? Are you willing to ask them for their feedback or does the though of asking them cause fear, worry, anxiety and resistance?
• How did you learn about, and deal with, stress growing up? How did your parents or primary caregivers deal with stress?

(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

 

 

 

 

Confucius, and Conduct at Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Speaker page, Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

The challenge for many in their workplace is this: how to be a “business” person and a “human being” at the same time – compete yet cooperate, be hard-nosed, yet be ethical, keep one’s nose to the grindstone, yet take time to really “see” and acknowledge others, be professional yet personal, make a profit yet not be greedy. Get the picture?

Usual suspects?

We don’t have to look very far to discover folks whose life at work takes the low road. Business magazines, print and digital journals, and news shows are replete with instances of individuals whose workplace demeanor is described as rude, insensitive, disrespectful, unethical, uncivil, egomaniacal, greedy and dishonest. You might even rub elbows with such folks on a daily basis. And, all this despite the plethora of books, courses, seminars, workshops, policy and procedure manuals and treatises focusing on ethics, integrity and codes of conduct.

On the other hand, there are those whose lives at work are driven by their internal moral compass – principles that support one to behave decently, truthfully and in integrity – who take the high road even when they face major challenges, problems and difficult choices. Always guided by True North.

What supports one to change lanes and move from the low road to the high road is Li, and Confucius expounded greatly on the nature and practice of Li.

Li, what is it?

Around 500 BCE, Confucius discussed the notion of Li –  a spectrum of rites and rituals, i.e., a code of conduct focusing on such things as learning, tea drinking, how to dress, mourning, governance, and interaction with humans. The underlying notion of Li was how to be respectful of nature, and one another. The term Li has several meanings some of which are: propriety, reverence, courtesy, ritual or the ideal standard of conduct.

Li is what the sage uses to find that which is appropriate; it is both the means which sets the example for others, and the end which maximizes understanding, pleasure, and the greater good. In this way, the words and behaviors one uses to show respect for another are contained within the framework of Li.

As the practice of Li was continued through centuries, one central theme began to stand out – the natural tendency to be decent and kind towards one’s fellow human beings.

Confucius believed that Li was the source of right action in all behavior – that living life from a place of respect for all others was at the heart of living a harmonious and worthwhile life.

Li, however, does not come to one’s consciousness naturally. Li has to be cultivated. One must first learn, and then practice, the art of being in integrity, respecting the dignity of every human being and then become committed to, and disciplined in, the practice of Li.

Li in the workplace

The practice of Li runs the gamut from smiling at a co-worker, to holding a door open for another, to serving others, to being self-responsible, to questioning practices that are unethical, corrupt, and disrespectful or demeaning of others – each behavior having a conscious focus and intentionality on working toward and supporting the well-being of the workplace, and those who work there.

The challenge in today’s workplace is that the practice of Li is a practice that is, for many, one of fakeness, phoniness, and convenience – where more often than not, rudeness and selfishness become the guiding principles where one is ego-driven, not cognizant of others around him or her – interrupting others at meetings, speaking over others, one-upping others, hijacking others’ experiences, needing to be the first one on and off the elevator, not holding a door for another, not saying “please” and “thank you,” and speaking ill of, or gossiping about, others. In fact, the opposite of Li is “me” – i.e., rudeness, insensitivity, verbal abuse such as bullying, gossiping, and being disrespectful, and treating others as irrelevant.

Cultivating Li

The way to cultivate and practice Li at work begins with becoming “conscious” – asking one’s self, “How am I behaving right here, right now?” “Am I taking an opportunity to allow my natural tendency to be decent, good and kind to arise?” “How am I showing up?” “Am I being authentic?”

Li is not surypy stuff. It’s not fluff. It’s not being effusive. It’s not being fake or phony. It’s not being patronizing. Li is being natural, honest, sincere, self-responsible and relaxed when we interact with another, any other.

Practicing Li  does not mean we stop being firm and assertive, stop holding others accountable, stop telling the truth, stop telling the bad news, etc. Practicing Li allows us to come from a place of internal truth and integrity that supports us to be forthright, confident, courageous, and trusting that we will “show up” in a way that is respectful, decent and just be who we are right here and right now – without the edge that we might heretofore have used to shore ourselves up.

Confucius believed that in order to truly achieve the principles of Li – the character of the true person – one must look within oneself. Confucius tells us to “go inside” in a sense, when he says, “We know what is proper (li), especially in difficult situations, from the wisdom arising out of contemplation.” – regularly going into self-reflection, inner listening, and sensing our “gut,” to access our inner wisdom that leads us to right knowing, right understanding and right action.

Cultivating the practice of Li supports us to live our life at work from a place of self-responsibility, honesty, decency, integrity, strength, courage, and humaneness even when we feel it might be “inconvenient.” Each of us is born with Li. Over time, however, we have lost our sense of Li as we allowed (often unconsciously) “life” to get in the way of being our True and Real self. Over time, our Li morphed into fake personalities, fake personas, and masks. So, many of us became “poseurs.” In the process, we learned to navigate life, even life at work, with our “eyes wide closed” – reactive, fearful, resistant – losing our humanity and decency

Li supports us to live life, even life at work, with our “eyes wide open.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do jealousy, resentment or greed drive your interactions with others?
• How might you experience fear in your workplace? How do you act when you feel fearful?
• Do you ever lie or stretch the truth?
• Do you feel “white lies” are OK? Do you ever lie, cheat, or steal simply because it’s convenient, because you can?
• Are there others you admire because of their integrity, sincerity and authenticity?
• Does your organization have a code of ethical conduct. Do you follow it? Do others?
• What one or two things can you do to cultivate and practice Li at work?
• Do you keep agreements?
• Do you admit when you’re wrong? Do you apologize for mis-deeds?
• Do you have a personal code of conduct? Do you follow it?
• Do you recognize the dignity in others, all others?
• Would folks at work (and at home and play) characterize you as a decent human being? Would you characterize yourself as a decent human being? How so?
• Do you ever react to others in a way that communicates to them they are “irrelevant” or “irritants?”
• What were your first experiences of Li  as you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

Whose Success Is It Anyway?

 

 

 

 

“Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success.” – Richard Carlson

If you Google “success definitions,” you’ll find about 587,000,000 hits. “Success in life?” 1,950,000,000. No wonder we’re so confused, and often frustrated, by what constitutes or defines success.

Folks also love success quotes. Google has 338,000 hits for you. Here are a few:

• “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” Bob Dylan
• “Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives.” Albert Einstein
•  “Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.” I Ching No. 3
• “The successful man is the average man, focused.” Anonymous
•  “Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Anonymous

What they have in common

So, what do you think these quotes have in common?

What they have in common is – they’re all someone’s else’s idea of success.

Many folks love success quotes  – they’re cool, neat, pithy, catching and the like. However, often they don’t “work” because these folks never personalize “success” – success remains a “nice idea” but at 9:00 Monday morning they’re caught in their own confusion, self-doubt and mis-perception – striving to experience “success” by mimicking another’s dream idea of success, lost at the 50,000-foot level.

Success and inner peace

In my experience, the most important tool that supports experiencing true and real success is reflection – a deep contemplation which many cannot or will not undertake. Thus, frustrated, many experience life as consistent indecision and dis-harmony as there’s no alignment between what they say, feel, think and do when it comes to “success.” Success remains a notion that lives in a small molecule in their brain.

On the other hand, others define success simply as “results.”  But, getting results without discovering something about one’s self in the process often leads to an unhappy and “un-success-ful” life in the short or long term. Why? “Doing” in and of itself, without be-ing, is not a solid formula for success. The “successful” Bernie Ebbers of Enron, or the Bernie Madoffs of the hedge fund and banking world are testimonials to this type of “success.”

Many folks actually do create results (“success?”), often without personal growth – yet wonder why they don’t feel better, alive, fulfilled  – admitting they don’t experience good health, energy or enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind.

The idea of success can be quickly obliterated just as if it was written in the sand – wiped out in a moment by a wave (of uncertainty), a hurricane, health issue, job loss, divorce, accident, old age, bank failure, etc.).

Or, can it?

Success requires discernment

For some folks, success can disappear in an instant; for others, not so, regardless of the circumstances. True success comes with discerning its true and real meaning.

So, there’s “success” and there’s “success.” Are the rich successful? What about the starving artist? The person in the corner office on the 52nd floor? The person in the mail room in the basement? You? Me?

Being successful requires a conscious exploration of what success means to you – creating your own quote. Until and unless you take the time to define success for yourself, there’s a good chance someone else is defining success for you. Often a self-limiting and self-defeating experience.

So, if you lack you own success quotation, perhaps today is the ideal time to begin to create your own.

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• Do you consider yourself successful? What criteria are you using?
• Are you ever jealous or envious of others’ success?
• Do you ever feel empty, unhappy, or unfulfilled even though you are a success? If so, why do you think that’s so?
• How do you define “rich?” Wealthy?
• Is your self-worth defined by your net worth?
• How much of your life is spent doing what you think you “should do” as opposed to doing what you “want to do?”
• Do you find meaning, fulfillment and happiness in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship?
• Do you plan your vacations with more care, attention and detail than you plan your life?
• Do you ever fear success?
• Do you have true and real fun in your life? If not, why not?
• Do you learn from your mistakes?
• What have you learned about “success?”
• How did you learn about success as you were growing up?

“The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year.” – John Foster Dulles

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering