Who are you?

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Why is it so challenging to show up authentically, as we really are? Why do we hide behind masks, and appear fake and phony much of the time?

Everyone is born authentic. However, the human condition, i.e., life, often requires many of us to separate from our innate, authentic, natural and spontaneous self – beginning in childhood and moving through adolescence and into adulthood. So, “Who am I, really?” becomes a meaningful and purposeful question.

Masks

Many of us don one mask or personality when we’re alone and other masks in the various groups, settings, events and circumstances we encounter along life’s path – at work, home, at play and in relationship. We become confused souls. Role-playing – call it what it is – becomes stressful and exhausting on many levels – mental, physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.  The truth is many of us don’t really know who we are.

Growing up

Growing up, we each learned how to please mommy and daddy, or our primary caregivers, to get their love, approval, and acceptance. This was “learned,” not innate, behavior. We’re taught how to act and not act; be one way and not another; speak one way and not another; think one way and not another, and the like. When we behaved in ways we, but not our parents, felt were OK, we were admonished, punished or rejected in some way – verbally, emotionally or sometimes physically. As a result, we became insecure.

Thus, as we grew up, matured and ventured out into our world, we weren’t always sure how to be, or what to say or do, in order to gain the acceptance, approval and acknowledgement of others. Instead of being our natural and authentic self, we began to play out some ideal or image of who and how we thought we should be – images we learned at home which would help us feel safe and secure.

The appearance of who we are

This initial, internalized inner insecurity around adhering to the way our parents wanted us to be – their wishes and demands – led many of to grow up as actors and actresses trying to appear as our self rather than just “being myself. ” Our constant striving to “play the role,” to live up to an image, leads to self-deceit and our being inauthentic. Ironically, as adults, many of us invest huge amounts of time, money and energy searching for who we really are, often to no avail.

Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, obsess over how we appear to others, jumping through hoops to gain others’ acceptance, approval, acknowledgement and recognition. We do, “whatever I have to do” which often means showing up as a fake and phony, role-playing the images that were imprinted or hard-wired into our brains early on.

The obstacle to authenticity

What is it that gets in the way of being authentic? The greatest obstacle is identifying with the self-images we have taken on as a result of our early interactions with parents and primary caregivers, friends, school-mates, and the like – images we then take ourselves to be.

An exercise

Assume we each have a gallery where 15 portraits of us are displayed. Under each, what label would you affix that describes you (e.g., best mother, excellent leader/manager, smart and well educated, the clown, great lover, the spiritual one, wealthy, the victim, the rescuer, the super-achiever, the rebel, the persecutor, the martyr, the drama king-queen, the denier, the pleaser, etc.)

“Learned” labels

There’s a good chance most of your labels represent self-images you created early on – not from a place of authenticity, and natural-ness, but out of your need to be “someone,” an imposter or poseur, to gain others’ acceptance and approval. Unfortunately, when you expressed your true self as a youngster, there were often times you did not sync up with your parents’ expectations of who you should and should not be, and were denied love and acceptance. Your solution? Jettison your true and real self and role-play the child your parents wanted you to be – to feel safe, secure, and loved.

So, early on, we became actors and remain actors to this day. The downside is that if we forget our role, “our lines,” we think we’ll lose out on the accolades, recognition, and approval.  Many of us feel we have to be “on,” i.e., fake, 24/7, 365 and have become obsessed with our self-images, winding up being someone we’re not. Our fear of rejection is just too great for many of us to bear. So, we resist showing up as our authentic self, for fear of not being “seen” or “heard.” We fear being “invisible.”

The solution?

When we let go of our mental self-images, engage in the inner, personal work of self-awareness, we re-discover our True and Real Self, and allow our real self to arise, be authentic, natural and spontaneous.

Few of us are able or willing to do this deeper exploration to look at the spiritual truth of who we are. We choose to wear masks and don personas that obscure our authentic, natural and spontaneous expression.

When we separate from our authentic self, this disconnect manifests largely as our ego personality that is constantly experiencing low self-esteem, low self-value and low self-worth which we then try to recover “outside” ourselves –  mired in the progressive drug of fakery and phoniness.

One of the reasons honest, safe, trusting and conscious relationships are so challenging – at work, at home and at play – is because many of us are living the “image” of ourselves and cannot or will not show up as real and authentic. It’s like living “beside myself,” unable to be truly embodied within my real self.

All of this may help us understand, on a higher/deeper level why so many of our relationships fail – due to our wearing masks, our living idealized personalities and being unable or unwilling to show up as real and authentic. We get back/attract what we put out.

As long as we protect our idealized selves, and keep imagining ideal relationships and idealized “me”, the honest, conscious communion and connection with our self, and others will remain elusive.

What really does exist, is the possibility to start from who and where we really are and do the work that leads us – psycho/emotionally – to discover our true and whole self.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who are you – really?
• Would others agree with you?
• Do you play roles and wear masks in certain circumstances or with certain individuals? How so?
• Have you ever been judged – directly or indirectly – as being a fake or phony? How did that feel? Do you commonly judge others as being fake or phony?
• When are you at your authentic best? What’s that like to be/act that way?
• How did you learn roles, and create images about yourself, as you were growing up? What roles and what images? Do these roles and images serve your highest and best good today?
• What would it be like if you were authentic all the tim

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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Do You Really Want to Heal?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Most folks claim they want to heal. In fact, what they actually seek is less pain and suffering. This is an important distinction.

The “fix”

Many folks hunger for a magic bullet to alleviate their discomfort, the frustration they experience at work, at home, even at play, and, of course, in their relationships. They search for the quick fix: a chemical remedy through a prescription or over-the-counter medicine or a non-chemical-usually-socially-acceptable remedy as in food, alcohol, television, sex, or surgery.  All of this is done to mask their discomfort and treat their symptoms. Pop the pill. Eat the food.  Take the drink. The discomfort disappears. They move back to some sense of normalcy but certainly not towards healing.

Healing can be scary

True healing can be scary and threatening. Why?

True healing requires more than feeling normal again.  Rue healing requires us to ask:

1. In what ways do I contribute to my own discomfort? How am I responsible for the situation (mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, social, financial, health, etc.) in which I find myself?
2. Which of my thoughts, beliefs, preconceptions, values, expectations, assumptions, “stories,” choices and actions are responsible for the imbalance, dis-harmony and unhappiness I’m experiencing in my life at work, at home at play or in my relationships? 3. Am I willing to make the necessary life changes, including taking action to reduce and eliminate the imbalance, dis-harmony and unhappiness?

Simple, right? But, not easy, which is why many folks often think about change and rarely take positive and sustaining action to effect true and real change. As one client told me early on in the change process, “I’m thinking about getting ready to get started.”

Ego and change

What’s the real deal about healing? What stands in the way of most folks’ willingness to change is ego.

Ego is necessary. Ego supports us as we navigate how we live our lives. Ego includes our personality, our individuality. Ego helps us to pretend we are individuals. Ego helps us remember where we left our wallet and what time the team meeting is. Our ego defines our thoughts, beliefs and assumptions.

Ego believes that its ultimate responsibility is to keep us safe and protect us from harm of any sort.  The lenses through which the ego views the world tend to see the world as scary and hurtful.  Because of that, we spend much of our live defending ourselves against others whom we perceive as judging or being critical of us.

Consider: how many of our thoughts are healing or loving thoughts?  How many are fear-based, judgmental or negative thoughts.  For most folks, it is the latter.

Remember, our ego’s job is to feel safe and secure. When we contemplate changing our (ego’s) beliefs, thoughts, and preconceptions, etc. about our life and living in the world, our ego becomes scared. In subtle and insidious ways, ego works to insure that we continue to think, believe, and behave exactly as we have in the past. Change is hurtful to our ego; it wants us to feel its acting on our behalf, to keep us safe, by “not acting,” i.e., not changing, not healing.

Our ego believes that even our most painful, limiting beliefs which we hold are necessary because the small amount of pain that we experience actually protects us from a much bigger pain: “death” in some way, shape or form.

When we consider making true and real change, we assume there is something bad or wrong about our current thoughts or beliefs. This triggers our ego which goes into protection mode. We spend lots of time beating ourselves up for thinking we are, in fact, bad or wrong for what we have been thinking or believing.

Allowing and resistance

For true and real change to exist, we have to allow our beliefs, our thoughts – whatever they are – to take shape in our minds.  Then we observe them and allow them. We do not judge them. This action quiets the ego and our Inner Judge and Critic – who wants us to feel small, invisible, scared, wrong and bad.

When our ego understands there is actually nothing “wrong” with our thoughts or beliefs, resistance fades. We grab hold of the freedom and the opportunity to introduce new thoughts and beliefs and, with these, we create the capacity to make new choices, and take new actions.

We created most of the limiting and painful beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world during our childhood. We employed whatever resources we had at that time, so we could feel safe, secure and garner mommy and daddy’s love, attention, and approval.

Our beliefs worked then as children and as we matured to adulthood. They don’t work so well now. We need to update them.

The bottom line is that we can change our words, our thoughts and our beliefs. We can, in fact, change our lives at work, at home, at play and in relationship by creating new, supportive thoughts and beliefs by choosing to do so and then taking action that supports our new way of thinking. That is healing.

If you really do want to heal, that choice is yours to make. What better time than now?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What stories do you tell yourself that keep you from making true and real change in your career, home, health, play or relationship areas of your life? Do you recall having any of these beliefs when you were young? What beliefs prevent you from experiencing change in your life?
• Do you ever follow your intuition, your “gut?” Do you trust your intuition? What’s that like?
• Do you constantly beat yourself up? Why? Would you allow your friends and colleagues to speak to you the way your Inner Judge and Critic speaks to you? Do you constantly judge yourself as bad, wrong or not good enough in some way? Why? Really, why?
• The average person has 16,000 thoughts a day. Would you characterize the majority of yours as healing (love-based) or killing (fear-based)?
• Did you ever simply observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, or in a “story” about them? What is that like?
• What one or two debilitating or limiting beliefs would you like to update right now? Can you do it? Will you?
• What one or two baby steps can you take this week or next to make changes in your life by creating new thoughts and beliefs about your Self and then taking action?
• What beliefs do you have about: career, teamwork, meaningful work, money, health, men, women, relationships, appearance, fun, chores, children, personal or spiritual growth, marriage, clothes, hair, pets, etc.? Do these beliefs bring you true and real happiness (be honest) or pain and suffering (be equally honest)? If the latter, why do you continue to hold these beliefs and allow them to run your life? If the latter, how can you heal yourself?

*Excerpted from Becoming a Better You – Who You Are vs. Who You Think You Are, Peter Vajda, Ph.D.

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Why?

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Why?

It’s the one question we learned in childhood that often drove our parents or primary caregivers up the wall. Even as adults, our various flavors of “why?” can still drive others nuts – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. And, many of us continue to ask “Why?” consistently – not satisfied with “standard” responses or “conventional wisdom.

“Because”

Often, when we asked “Why?” as children, the responses we got didn’t satisfy us or make sense. In addition, when we heard something like, “I don’t know,” “That’s a dumb question,” “Because that’s just the way it is,” or “It’s a mystery,” and the like, we learned to stop asking. Unfortunately, many of us lost our curiosity and our inquisitiveness.

In reality, we did not really lose this aspect of ourself, we repressed it, stuffed it down. But, deep down, many of us still have a burning desire to know “why.”  For example, this is why, consciously or unconsciously, so many of us long to know the meaning of life. The ultimate “why?”.

The search for meaning

The search for meaning is basically a search for significance – significance of what is not obvious. When we find answers, sometimes they are objective – questions about day-to-day life, details, facts, and so on. (Think: “Why is the sky blue?”)

On a meta level, however, “Why?” is about life itself and its attendant puzzles, challenges and conundrums – e.g., questions about pain and suffering, striving and struggling, death and separation, etc. In the final analysis, the “Why?” is really about “me” – Who am I? Why am I here? What’s the meaning of my life’s experience? These deeper questions cannot be answered with objective facts or details. When we grow our soul and move to higher or deeper levels of consciousness, we move towards what we know as “enlightenment” – higher or deeper levels of knowing and understanding that really aren’t “knowledge” as we would define it in a Western way.

So, what’s the point?

Finding meaning and gaining “higher” understanding is not about escaping from, detouring around or eliminating life’s challenges. Suffering will still exist, for example, but we don’t have to have “pain” (emotional, psychological and/or spiritual) around it. We can choose to move beyond feeling like a victim, for example. Death will still remain an inevitability, but we can choose to approach it from a place of inner peace and equanimity, not abject fear, denial or resistance. Understanding the deeper meaning of a painful relationship, for example, can move us to a place where we can love once more.

We all have this deep inner longing to know “why.” Sometimes we do repress it, or stay in denial, or resist it (like, metaphorically, when we were children we might place our hands over our ears and shout so we didn’t have to listen to unpleasant “noise,” shouting or to what was being said). However, resisting our deep inner urge to know “why” is a futile attempt to live life from an ego-driven, not heart- or soul-driven, place.

And, for those of you who are still placing your hands over your ears, what would it feel like if you gave yourself permission to ask “Why?”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• If you played back the tape of your day today, or yesterday, what might you see about your motives, the “why,” for your actions and behaviors?
• Identify a recent emotional experience and explore the deeper meaning behind it. Why do you think that experience happened FOR (not TO) you?
• Take some quiet time and ask yourself, “What questions about my self and my life am I avoiding?” Why do you think you’re resisting asking yourself these questions?
• Why do you think you’re on the planet?
• How did your parents/primary caregivers, friends, relatives and teachers respond when you asked “Why?” How did that make you feel?
• Were you curious as a child? Are you now?
• What are your curious about these days? Why?

————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Do I Need to Be Right?

 

 

 

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Do I Need to be Right?

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
Mark Twain

Take a moment and reflect on your relationships – at work, at home and at play – and ask yourself, “How much does the ‘I’m right – you’re wrong’ dynamic play out in my everyday interactions?” Be honest.

Truth is, most everyone is challenged by this dynamic – in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations, in emails and the like. Perhaps unconsciously, perhaps consciously, we very often engage in situations where we feel we need to be right, and not only be right, but to be right we need to make the other be or feel wrong.

Our need to feel safe and secure

Our ego personality is the culprit here as it wants and needs to feel strong, safe and secure – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or psychologically.

When the shoe is on the other foot, and we experience the feeling of being “wrong,” our ego personality reacts and we feel fearful, bad, stupid, insecure, deficient, lacking, diminished, small and/or invisible.

Win-lose

The deal is that someone always has to lose in this “win-lose” dynamic. And, needing to win, or experiencing being “wrong,” we find ourselves enmeshed in interpersonal relationships characterized by mistrust, conflict, competition, separation, frustration, anger or sadness – all based on fear.

The solution for this dynamic is to choose not to live in the world of polarity – right vs. wrong – but to live in a world of inclusion – a  world of “both/and,” not “either/or.”

The challenge for our ego is how to live in relationship in a way we can transcend the personal win-lose dynamic and focus on commonalities. In the world of the ego, it’s all about being separate and independent  win-lose, “I vs. you.” In the world of commonality, community and inclusion, it’s all about “you and me” – win-win. It’s about “we.”

The questions underneath the question are:

“What excuse am I using to rationalize and justify a win-lose, me vs. you dynamic that creates disconnection and disaffection?”
“Why can’t I feel content about being right about something without needing to make someone else feel or be wrong?”
“Why do I live from an ‘I’d rather be right than happy’ perspective much of the time?”

Separation

The truth is we’re innately heart-felt, spiritual beings who, by the way, are human and have egos. Somewhere along the path of our growth experiences we separated from the heart-felt and interconnected aspects of our being-ness, our essence, and began to focus on being separate from one another – the human and ego aspects of our personality. In our early developmental growth process, we were indoctrinated with beliefs, assumptions, expectations, perceptions and world views that we identified with and took on to be “me.”

As a result, we live in a world of folks who have assorted beliefs and opinions. That’s as it should be. However, when we live life from an ego-directed place, then it’s “all about me” and in order to feel safe and secure as “me,” our initial reaction to someone else’s different beliefs and opinions is fear – a fear of losing “me,” of feeling that “me” is being threatened. So, we conduct our relationships based on our need to be “right” because being right means that I can be “me;” not being “me” (i.e., feeling I am “wrong”) is a very scary and threatening proposition for many folks.

Letting go

When we’re able to let go of our need to be right, we’re able to live in a place that fosters inner peace, well-be-ing, harmony and connectivity – a place from where we can create more conscious, honest, trusting and healthier win-win relationships.

As you move through your day – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – can you take the time and periodically conduct a self-inquiry into your underlying motivations when you find yourself engaged in win-lose conversations? Do you need to “win” for selfish, manipulative or fearful reasons? That is, what’s your intention when engaged in win-lose interactions?  Why?

Some questions for self-reflection are: 

• What will happen if I let go of my need to be right?
• What won’t happen if I let go of my need to be right?
• What will happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right?
• What won’t happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right?
• What is threatening to me about not being right?
• Do I feel enslaved by a need to be right? If so, how does this feeling affect me? Affect others?
• How do I feel when I am “wrong?” Why do I feel this way?
• What was it like to be “right” and “wrong” when I was growing up? What did “being right” get or not get me? What did “being wrong” get or not get me? How does this dynamic play out now in my adult life – at work, at home and at play?
• Would I rather be right than happy? Honestly.

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering