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Monthly Archives: September 2014

Dissatisfied at work

25 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development

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Just about every month, there’s a new research report detailing the seemingly higher and higher degree of worker dissatisfaction. Whether it’s a Gallup poll or a Conference Board report, the results are strikingly similar – workers are becoming more and more dissatisfied with their work.

While the majority of “reasons” for dissatisfaction usually point to elements of the workplace itself such as: management style, task design, work role, feedback, support, friendships, organizational mission, environmental conditions or opportunities for growth, few if any, of these reports ever point to the possibility that the employee himself or herself may be a major contributing factor to their own dissatisfaction.

Looking closer to home

In many instances of worker dissatisfaction, it’s a question of “physician, heal thyself.” In a culture of blame and victim consciousness, many dissatisfied and disgruntled workers should first look inside, rather than outside, for the root causes of their dissatisfaction.

Here’s why.

First, I would echo Karl Marx, and paraphrase something he said: “Where the economy creates a class of losers, where wealth gravitates easily into the hands of the haves, the fortunes of the have-nots become more desperate.”

For me this translates into: in our culture, most everyone operates from an insidious and incessant need to be “somebody.”

Thus, for me, the dissatisfaction I read about in workplace satisfaction surveys such as the Gallup Polls and Conference Board Report is an aspect of this desperation.

My take on the dissatisfaction pointed to in such surveys and reports is that often one’s perspective of dissatisfaction is largely a philosophical one. Meaning? Many of the folks who are expressing and experiencing “dissatisfaction” may have a misplaced worldview, or perspective, that dictates how they view themselves and their life at work, and the meaning of work.

And relatedly, along with the rise in dissatisfaction, is a related rise in stress, boredom, burnout, rustout absenteeism and presenteeism. Rustout is a lack or deficiency not of energy, but of passion

What’s it all about?

Many folks are “making a living” but, at the same time, lack a sense of significance, a “meaning,” in what they do. At the end of the day, many will admit they’re in it for the wrong reason.

In many instances, rather than exploring the nature of the dissatisfaction by going “inside” and looking at the real reasons for their dissatisfaction, many workers seem to find fault with, blame, and criticize the externals: the education and training programs, the health and pension programs (albeit, today quite justifiable), management, environmental conditions and the like.

Many folks burn out without ever having been on fire. In order to be “somebody,” they allow themselves to be devoured by “the corporation” and spend relentless amounts of energy and time (a lifetime, for many), scratching and clawing their way up the corporate ladder to achieve corporate success, but at what cost? To be “somebody?”

For many dissatisfied workers, they have set aside their dreams (once, real dreams) and instead tailored their lives and personalities to what the market demands, for example, focusing on the art and sciences of “power dressing,” power lunching, having/creating “winning personalities,” etc., all the while mired in a state of emptiness, lack and deficiency. Often, the real dissatisfaction is not about the “work.”

Resistant and not wanting to go “inside” to explore one’s discontent, dis-ease and dissatisfaction, many seek the easy way “out” and blame externals as the excuses for their dissatisfaction. Many dissatisfied workers live in an outer-directed culture, in which they remain strangers to themselves, disconnected from themselves, have no sense of their own intuitions and feelings and “real wants and needs.” This is what, for them, leads to dissatisfaction. It’s not about the “work.”

Poverty enriched spirits

In our current workplace culture, many folks are driving themselves to their own “spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical” poorhouse, in new automobiles, eating calorie-free foods, watching wide-screen TVs, etc., all the while bemoaning the reality of increased stress, decreased productivity in an environment polluted by our industry. This is often what leads to dissatisfaction. It’s not the “work.”

It would be curious to know if many of these dissatisfied folks would, in fact, be dissatisfied if they lived a life in which their work fit them like a skintight suit, if their work reflected their purpose in life, if their work were who they were.

In what, in this country, is a relentless struggle for so many to “be somebody” at the expense of being a “nobody,” many have lost sight of the true and real values that support one’s mental, emotional, spiritual and physical well-being, especially at work. This is often what leads to dissatisfaction. It’s not the “work.”

So many are sacrificing their health, on every level, in order to be counted among the “have” folks. For what? So-called “happiness”?

Reference anxiety

In a special issue, Time Magazine, references the somebody-nobody experience as “reference anxiety,” that is, “keeping up with the Joneses,” constantly comparing one’s self and one’s “stuff” with someone else’s and much of this takes place in our work environments and is characteristic of many of our workplace cultures. This is often what leads to dissatisfaction. It’s not the “work.”

This “reference anxiety” syndrome also accounts for the widening gap in income distribution. The Time article states: “”Paradoxically, it is the very increase in money”…that triggers dissatisfaction…” and, this is part of the dissatisfaction that folks bring to work with them, in addition to the dissatisfaction that folks say they experience due to the work itself. In other words, many are taking out their deep feelings of lack and deficiency by blaming their work by often blaming their workplace in some way, shape or form. This is often what often leads to dissatisfaction. It’s not the “work.”

Finally the Time Magazine article (and countless others that speak to these issues) references the workplace: “People who love their jobs feel challenged by their work.” Notice, it’s not the reverse. In reality, the “love” of the job comes first. The love of the work one does.

So, yes, many folks are dissatisfied with their work. The Time magazine article states, people who love their jobs “…find meaning in what they do.” Again, the reality is countless folks simply do not, and cannot, find meaning in what they do, but they do it.

Look inward where the heart rests easy

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, in the Time Magazine article, states, “…Anything can be enjoyable if the element of flow is present. Within that framework, doing a seemingly boring job can be a source of greater fulfillment than one ever thought possible.” The Dalai Lama says, “I do nothing.” His work and life are the same. Anything can be enjoyable. Anything. Anything.

These two folks do not say it’s the manager’s responsibility to make anyone happy. They don’t say it’s the flowers and plants that make folks happy. They don’t say it’s the percentage of the bonus, or the new training equipment, etc. that accounts for one’s happiness. They simply point to what’s going on, or not going on, “inside” a person that accounts for their satisfaction. It’s not the “work.”

The question of job satisfaction starts “inside.”

An important question to consider is: “What takes one out of that state of flow and presence and moves one in the direction of “dissatisfaction?”

Until and unless one gets to “root causes” of dissatisfaction and unhappiness, which are “inside” issues, more than outside issues, such job satisfaction reports can only describe the landscape surface, but certainly not explain why the landscape is barren. Again, one needs to look underneath the surface of the barrenness.

Explore and inquire underneath the landscape:

Why can’t I forge true and real friendships and relationships at work? Really, really, true and real relationships and friendships, not surface acquaintanceships? What gets in the way of that?

Why are trust, honesty, openness, and an emotional feeling of safety lacking in so many workplaces and within so many teams and groups?

Why are bullying and gossiping so prevalent in our workplaces?

Why do so few find real meaning in their work?

Why is true and real well-being lacking in so many work environments?

Perhaps, one day, not too far off, we’ll find that it’s not only about 401Ks, task design, work roles, the latest and greatest training tools, cool icebreakers, plants in the atrium, and the same business and leadership models, theories and concepts in new “wine skins.” Perhaps, one day, not too far off, we can look outside the box of common dissatisfaction to “new” possibilities, new answers.

Such as:

people exploring and going after what truly brings them fulfillment in their work – remembering that even a boring job can be a fine experience when one is in touch with oneself. And thus not completely dependent for “someone out there to make satisfaction happen for me”

people discovering their values that emanate from their true and real self, their heart and essence, from their moral compass, rather than from their ego-driven needs and materialistic “taste du jour”

people feeling connected first, to their self, inside, their inner spirit, on an inner plane, which can then, and only then, lead to true connections, interactions, relationships and contactfulness with others

people exploring their own internal deficiencies and feelings of lack which lead to petty jealousies and envy of others, dissatisfaction that fosters conflict, gossiping and bullying

people who put people before work, in an honest and sincere and self-responsible manner

people who have discovered their passion and have the strength and courage to live it through their work or to seek it out in their work, doing what they truly love to do

people who stay physically, mentally and emotionally healthy, and spiritually strong

people truly living a life rather than obsessed with a lifestyle

So, perhaps, the “dissatisfaction” element as it relates to work is directly intertwined with life in general; that, at the end of the day – the workday – there is no “compartmentalizing” of our lives.

What is it about one’s life in general that brings one to find dissatisfaction, not only at work but in other aspects of one’s life – at home, at play and in relationship?

We find what we seek

In the Time Magazine article, we read: “…clinical depression is 3 to 10 times as common today than two generations ago – money jangles in our wallets and purses, but we are no happier for it, and for many, more money leads to depression.” And, dissatisfaction.

So, what is it really, about work that leads so many to be dissatisfied?

Perhaps the dissatisfaction element lies on a much deeper level of the psyche and it’s about the inner person, not about the externals.

The Time Magazine article states that “…millions of us spend more time and energy pursuing the things money can buy than engaging in activities that create real fulfillment in life…”

Thus, it’s curious that of the thousands of business books that are published each year, there’s hardly one chapter devoted to “friendship” (real and true friendship – not the “good-old-boys-back-slapping stuff that is a “faux” substitute) in the workplace.

Relationships rule the world, even the world of work. Finding meaning rules one’s deeper sense of happiness, fulfillment, and well-being, even in the world of work. However, it’s one’s relationship, first, with one’s self that must be examined to explore the true and real root causes of dissatisfaction.

When we come to life with the right values, and are grounded on a foundation of truth, honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility, in our relationship to our self, first, and then others, dissatisfaction can more easily morph into satisfaction.

The spirit of an organization begins and ends with the spirit of each individual.

So, why is satisfaction falling?

Perhaps, for some, it starts with “me,” not “it,” “him,” “her” or “them.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • On a scale of one (low) to 10 (high), how satisfied am I in my work?
  • What supports or limits my sense of dissatisfaction?
  • Do I consistently compare and contrast myself with others who appear to have “more” than I do? Why?
  • How did I experience satisfaction and happiness growing up?
  • How did my parents or primary caregivers experience happiness and satisfaction while I was growing up?
  • When I look inside, do I discover a low-grade-fever type of angst, anger, resentment, jealousy, envy, or vindictiveness running through the cells of my body? If so, what is this all about?
  • Looking back at my past, what kinds of work brought me the most satisfaction and happiness?

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Motivation

18 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Motivationuntitled images

All of life is a reflection of yin/yang – the ebb and flow of energy. No one (on a normal curve) is “up” or “down,”  or “motivated” 100% of the time. Life follows the natural rhythm of the seasons. So, there are periods of expansion and periods of contraction and this energy flow operates on every level – mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, creative and the like, degree and intensity of “motivators” notwithstanding.

In coaching clients and supporting others, what I have found to be the greatest challenge is not motivation, per se, whether internal or external, but the “staying power” to continue on, to stay the course, when “motivation” ebbs.

Motivation is akin to desire, staying power, stick-to-it-iveness, will and “force.”

Motivation and force or will are not the same energy.

Motivation and force

Change or transformation is a function NOT of one’s internal decision to change, not a function of desire and motivation, but is a function of an underlying force and will to “keep on keeping on” when motivation wanes, decreases, or perhaps disappears altogether. The force to change and transform exists even when the so-called internal/external “motivators” are absent. The FORCE is there even when the DESIRE isn’t.

How does this work?

Motivation (desire) is not consistent (i.e., 24/7, 365). Motivation waxes and wanes in spite of the fact there are internal and external drivers to “be” motivated.

Examples

-The sales person who, in spite of the terrific (external) commission structure, does not stay motivated
-The employee who, in spite of the (internal) motivation/decision/desire to not engage in gossip, does so
-The athlete who, in spite of both the internal motivation and external drivers, loses his/her motivation to play hard and strong consistently
-The individual who makes resolutions (New Year’s and otherwise) and quickly loses staying power
-The EQ-savvy individual, who has the desire/motivation to remain calm and peaceful in the face of stress, yet succumbs and moves back to anger when stressed
– The person who has the desire and motivation to be more loving and appreciative of his/her partner but finds him/herself irritated, disrespectful and cold and uncaring most of the time
-The individual who is highly motivated to undertake a career transition but falls into inaction and depression after a couple of months into the search process
-The person who is motivated to change and transform and undertakes a spiritual practice of some kind yet continues to judge, be critical of, demean, and verbally abuse his/her colleagues, family members, friends and strangers, etc.
– The manager who is motivated to control her emotions, and loses it whenever her ego is challenged

Dips

In almost every personal development process there are “dips” where one’s energy, drive, and desire wane. For many, rather than wait for the energy to change, be still and just accept and surrender to what is, their progress stops, change stops. It’s back to the drawing board (new coach, new book, new video, new workout program, new diet, new relationship, new self-help (fill in the blank) new commission structure, new title, new computer, new resolution, new rules and procedures, etc.

This dynamic occurs with clients, folks at the gym, folks in spiritual groups, folks in self-help groups, folks at work on every level. All are initially “motivated,” have the “desire.” Few have the staying power to go through with it when the staying power ebbs. So, what’s the deal?

There’s a famous quote: “A saint is a sinner who never gave up.” There’s an underlying dynamic that fosters a successful “Self,” a person who is living and growing according to their “inner values” that drive their do-ing and be-ing.  One might be born with an immediate and lasting connection to this innate sense of Self, or one might discover their Self through doing “work” that eliminates and reduces their identification with limiting self-concepts and self-images initially driven by one’s identity with the “outer” world. In either case, one discovers there is an innate, passionate desire that roars up from one’s inner self. In conjunction with this relentless desire of one’s inner self, is the ever tenacious “will” (a “stay the course” capacity) of the inner self. With this combination, the strength of desire/motivation coupled with the strength of will/force is indefatigable.

Sustaining

When this synergy occurs, one’s desire/motivation, while not always at fever pitch, can sustain because it is not negated by ego-driven thoughts that are defeating and sabotaging, or by inner judge and critic judgments, self-criticisms, or false illusions. This inner force acts as a courageous and strong inner vision/dream/direction/intuition that becomes one’s strongest marker in one’s life. One’s inner force becomes one’s priority for do-ing and be-ing. There’s no need for more-bigger-better-different “internal/external” motivators in a traditional sense.

When one’s true self, one’s essence is leading and driving one’s journey, the body/mind/emotions of one’s personality grow in harmony and service of one’s real and true self, who is setting the course.

Holding steadfast to a greater vision that is connected to, and supported by, this inner “stay the course” energy, a limitless supply of passion, strength and will becomes available. The energy of “I can,” “I am,” “I will,”  “I have,” “I choose” and  “I create” flows forth, especially in the “down” or “dark” times. Here, where vision, desire and will meld into an amalgam, there is no longer any room for ambivalence, defeat or failure. Whether progress is painstakingly slow or made by leaps and bounds, the direction is clear and ultimately the outcome is assured. Progress continues, as opposed to “giving up” and falling into some type of “victim/blaming” consciousness. So, the force that supports our intentions to do and to be from within, from our inner source, is beyond discouragement, beyond despair.

Effective questions

The questions to pursue within one’s self are: What contributes to/strengthens my passion? What contributes to/strengthens my will? What diminishes/weakens my passion? What diminishes/weakens my will?

For those who are caught in the Peter Pan syndrome of “I won’t grow up,” “I’ll never grow up” or the veil of victimization – “I just can’t,” “I don’t have it in me,” “Woe is poor, little me,” the questions will hold no appeal. Undeniably, the only people who will bother to ask these questions honestly and pursue the answers are those who value self-responsibility, honesty, sincerity, true self-evolution and spiritual maturity – one who perceives their life as contributing to the greater good of all humankind.

For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, for every one who finds the questions engaging and intriguing, now is the time to be still and listen and follow from within. Follow your best vision, dream, direction or intuition. You know what course to follow; it’s inside of you.

Every step you take following from the inside enables you to grow your passion/desire and your will/force. You will grow your humanity and your maturity and by the way you live your life with truth, honesty and sincerity from the inside out while supporting the person walking next to you, who is doing their best, to allow them to live from the inside out.

In the wellspring of our inner self, we have the resources and the willingness to pay the higher price for living an extraordinary life. That is, to keep on keeping on, in spite of whatever motivators exist, or do not exist.

The Buddha says:

“The power of integrity is based on a firm inner sense of values that allows you to stand your ground regardless of what you are doing or where you are. When we believe that the world makes us, that it determines what we can and cannot do, then we see ourselves as small and weak. But when we understand that we make the world, individually and together, then we become formidable and strong.”
 
Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Considering one obstacle you’re currently facing, ask yourself, “Why is this happening FOR me?” When you sit quietly with the question, what can you see, hear, learn or understand? (Ask it often.)
  • Is victimization a part of your DNA? Do you often feel the victim? How so? Why?
  • Can you recall the last time you “stayed the course” in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds? What happened? How do/did you feel?
  • Have you even been involved in co-dependent, needy relationships? How so? How did/are they working out?
  • What were your earliest experiences of “staying the course” and “giving up?


—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Meddling

11 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

cocoonSpeaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, the whole being listens. Then there is a direct grasp of what is right there that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.” Chuang-Tzu, Chinese philosopher

In essence, the more we listen to what is going on inside our self, the better we understand what is happening outside. The more apt we are to allow the other to just be present in their experience, and not be so ego-driven to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain or correct the other in their experience.

Believing that we have to in some way “fix” another is the paramount obstacle to being present to and with the other.

Each of us is exactly where we’re men to be on our journey. Not ahead; not behind. Exactly where we are in relationship to our personal cocoon, to the unfolding of who we are and how we are.

In our Western approach to living and to life, many of us are caught in the strong urge to fix, give advice, or reassurance and to explain, directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly “our own position” or feeling.

The Buddhist way

There is a Buddhist statement that says, “Don’t just do something; stand there.” Stand there and just “be” there, indeed.

When we’re engaged with others who are experiencing, pain or suffering in some way shape or form, what works with them, is asking ourselves, “How I can be respectful, empathic, and present?”, sensing our own body, breathing, being consciously conscious of where I am in allowing this field of experience, so that I can just “be” with this person, knowing that their experience is just as it should be, that, in fact, they do have whatever “answers” they need in this moment, i.e., their answers and their moment, not “my” answers and “my” moment.

The Butterfly and the Cocoon (anonymous)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.

So, with respect to the butterfly and the cocoon, perhaps the individual’s “kindness” and “impatience” got in the way of the butterfly’s growth and development.

Meddling

So, it’s worth thinking about how we feel the need to meddle in another’s growth and developmental experience from “our” perspective, not theirs, from our states of impatience, or knowing, being the “sage,” from our ego-driven needs to be “right,” to have the answers, knowledge, wisdom, etc.

The question underneath the question is:

Why?
Really, why?
Really, really, really, why?

There’s much more inside each of our cocoons than simply air. There’s knowledge, wisdom, insight, energy, and much opportunity for growth – in mind, body and spirit. The question is whether we have the strength and courage to stay there for a while, and learn, and be, and allow others to do so as well.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • How did/do you experience your cocoon?
  • Are you comfortable being with your own pain and suffering?
  • Do you look outside immediately for answers to your pain and suffering?
  • What is/are the message(s) or lesson(s) you’re getting from your challenge(s)? How so?
  • How do you respond/react in the face of another’s challenges?
  • Are you quick to want to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain, or correct another when they are hurting in some way?
  • Can you just “stand there?” Is that difficult for you? Be honest.
  • One a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) where would you rate yourself, generally, with respect to being (a) compassionate, (b) understanding and (c) empathic? Would your spouse/partner, child(ren), best friend, workmates, or other family members agree with you. Would you feel comfortable asking them?
  • Can you love yourself and leave yourself alone (not judge, criticize or beat yourself up) when you’re experiencing pain and suffering?
  • Can you honestly believe you’re exactly where you’re meant to be right now in your life? Why? Why not?

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Dot and The Circles

04 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development

≈ Leave a comment

circles

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In the center of a sheet of paper, place a dot.  Now let’s suppose I can put a magnifying glass over this dot and when I do, the following pointers (which others may refer to as descriptors, words, etc.) appear: source, inner being, heart, soul, presence, God, Self, Life Force, Energy, essence, and the phrase “It is what it is.” I interpret this phrase to mean: “without judgment, without label, without criticism.” It just is.

Now, measure out from the dot, one-quarter inch and draw a circle at this one-quarter point around the dot. Along the line of this circle, write, in 8-point lettering, the pointers: ego, self-concept, comparative mind, problem/solution, good/bad, praise/blame, recognition/humiliation, pride/embarrassment, and winning/losing.

Now, draw another circle that is one-quarter away from the circle you just drew, and write the same pointers, this time in 10-point lettering.

Then, draw a third circle one-quarter inch from the circle you just completed, and write the same pointers, this time in 12-inch lettering.

So, we have a dot, encircled by three circles, one at the one-quarter inch mark, one at the half-inch mark and one at the three-quarter inch mark, each a quarter-inch away from the one inside it, each with the respective pointers in larger lettering.

Continue drawing circles at quarter-inch distances from the previous circle and continue to increase the lettering size of the pointers by two points with each successive circle until you reach the circle that has, perhaps, 72 point lettering.

The relationship between the dot and the circles

When I’m fully present in experiencing an event or circumstance, when I’m experiencing life from within my “dot” (my essence, my inner being, my heart, my soul, my true self) there is no “winning or losing;” only “is-ness,” that is to say, it is what it is. No judgment, no criticism, no humiliation, no fear, etc. There is only “presence” that allows for learning, which brings me right knowing, right thought, right action and right understanding which come from my inner essence. This is a place of honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility in relating to myself and to others, from a place of essence, authenticity and integrity.

Here, there is my wisdom mind, free of analyzing, comparing and contrasting, and intellectualizing – no ego, no fear or worry about the future, or resentment of, or resistance from, the past, no trying to “figure it out.” It just is; what’s so.

Separation

Now, in experiencing my life, in its every circumstance, the further I stray from my inner being and inner essence, from honesty, sincerity and responsibility, and move away, out from, my “dot,” that is, when I begin to separate from who I really am, that’s where my ego takes the reins and “problems” begin to form. And the further I separate from my integrity and my essence, the larger my ego grows and the larger my problems “grow” (hence, the increase in letter size).

The more I allow my mind and my ego-driven personality, and sabotaging self-concepts, and limiting beliefs and thoughts, to “grow” and pull me away from my essence, my honesty, integrity and responsibility, the greater I experience what others refer to as: loss, humiliation, anxiety, defeat, etc. which are all symptoms of ego identification.

The greater the distance with which I separate from my “I” and my essence, and allow my “little me” to take over my life, the more I feel loss, fear, resentment, and all those feelings and emotions that folks relate to “loss.” And the larger and more consuming the feelings and emotions seem to be, in taking up time, physical, emotional and psychic energy, and the more I deplete my reserves of joy, harmony, balance, peace, fulfillment and well-being.

In my coaching process with clients, I use this exercise with separate life areas: career and livelihood, intimacy and partnership, abundance and finances, health and wellness, personal environment and organization, spiritual and personal growth, relationships, friends and family and service to community.

Part of this journey involves guiding clients to take themselves through the experiences of their own lives and explore the nature of their relationship to their “dot.”  What’s getting in the way of their joy and well-being and how “large” or “small” do they view their problems and feelings of “losing.” And what effects does “losing” have on them. And, what or how, if anything, would they like to do, be or have to move in the direction of well-being, i.e., centeredness, on their “dot.”  Is it OK to be on the “edge.” out there, away from their “dot?” It’s their call.

This experience can often bring one to the desire for centering, helping one to see/understand/accept the importance of taking self-responsibility for their lives. Furthermore, this awareness can support movement into a proactive space of health and well-being and away from the blaming, victimization, martyrdom, and fault-finding behavior that is common in the “win-lose” scenario, out there, away from the “dot.”

Care to try it?

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • What word(s) do you use to define your dot?  How did you arrive at this (these) word(s)?
  • Where are you in the various life areas mentioned above?
  • What’s it like to be there? How so?
  • What are the forces that have been moving you towards your outer circle(s)? In doing this exercise, did you discover any forces that until now you were unaware of, i.e., blind spots?
  • When did you first become aware of the forces that took/take you away from your dot?
  • When did you first become aware of your dot?
  • Where are you in your dot or very close to it? How so?
  • As you sit and reflect on where you are in each life area, what thoughts, feelings, emotions and physiological sensations do you experience?
  • Are you OK where you are? Why or why not?

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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