No Mud, No Lotus

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Over the years, I’ve become a devout believer in the notion of necessary suffering – that you cannot heal, grow or become “conscious,” and deeply self-aware, without experiencing some form of suffering.

Thich Nhat Hahn, Buddhist monk and author, puts it this way:   “It’s like growing lotus flowers. You cannot grow lotus flowers on marble. You have to grow them on the mud. Without mud, you cannot have a lotus flower. Without suffering, you have no ways in order to learn how to be understanding and compassionate. That’s why my definition of the kingdom of God is not a place where suffering is not, where there is no suffering…”

For me, it’s not a question of whether you believe in God (Source, Spirit, Universe or whatever you call a higher power), nor is it about religion or theology. It is about how one transforms to a higher state of self-awareness and consciousness so that one can walk the planet on a daily basis from a place of equilibrium, inner peace, tranquility, acceptance and equanimity.

The Buddha says:   “As a blue or white lotus is born in the water, grows up and is unpolluted by the water, so too has the perfected one grown up in the world, has risen above the world and stands unpolluted by it. – samyutta nikaya 22.94

The science of it all  

The reason the Lotus flower is not polluted is due to its leaves. The leaves represent what is known as the “Lotus effect” – the leaves are so structured that water beads up and off the leaves, keeping the flower from being polluted. In fact, the leaves clean the lotus of real or potential pollution.

The science, according to Wikipedia, is:  “…due to their high surface tension, water droplets tend to minimize their surface trying to achieve a spherical shape. On contact with a surface, adhesion forces result in wetting of the surface: either complete or incomplete wetting may occur depending on the structure of the surface and the fluid tension of the droplet.” The cause of self-cleaning properties is the hydrophobic water-repellent double structure of the surface.  

The nature of pollution  

Consider your life – at work, at home, ay play and in relationship. Are you consistently confronted by “suffering” in some way, shape or form? Better, how are you confronted by suffering on a daily basis? Most of us are. How is it that we can manage to NOT be immersed by the polluted waters – literally and figuratively – of the context of our past and immediate environments?

The fact is each one of us grows up immersed in the “mud” – an environment characterized by wounding – abuse, criticism, judgments, abandonment, rejection and the like – an environment in which every family operates, into which every human being is born. It’s the human experience. The degree of suffering may differ, but the muddy environment is there. The mud also represents painful childhood memories. Later on in life, the mud represents our immediate, real-world, real-time  suffering – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically – that arises in the form of our life challenges – health, finances, social and living conditions, career, relationships, social life, finances, etc.

When we get in touch with our own suffering, head-on-recognizing it, being open to it, understanding the purpose of it, and accepting it, rather than denying and avoiding it, we grow. We become more conscious, more self-aware. When this happens, suffering still remains, but the charge it used to have becomes less and less as we understand the reasons for the suffering, how it leads to our growth, our self-understanding and our healing. It’s the idea that you can have pain, but you don’t have to suffer.

The antidote to pollution

The growth of the Lotus, our individual Lotus, represents transformation – moving from suffering towards happiness, love, peace, and stillness in our life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

When we do the “work” to transform, we gain clarity, and insights, AHA moments, all of which point to the purpose of our suffering, our wounding, and our challenges. In the process of understanding, something shifts: your attitudes, your responses, and your perspective. You focus more on your Lotus, less on the mud.

In understanding our own suffering, we can begin to understand others’ as well – the place from which love and compassion grow. Many of us resist getting in touch with our suffering. When we do get in touch, we actually suffer less. We become the Lotus. That’s the nature of the Lotus.

That’s the nature of the mud. That’s the true nature of suffering.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you ever feel like a victim? If so, why? How does that show up in your life?
• Has your suffering taught you anything/lessons? How so? What have you seen/learned?
• What would it be like if you viewed your suffering as happening FOR you and not TO you?
• Do you feel you are in control of your life? If not, why not?
• Do you believe that change begins with you?
• Do you tend to move away from your discomfort? If so, what might it be like to embrace it? How do you feel when you consider this option?
• To what degree (1-10, with 1 being no identification and 10 being completely identified), on a daily basis, do you identify with the mud, with the Lotus?
• How did you experience suffering as a child? Do you still carry scars of that suffering with you now? How so?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing ismaybe you dont. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”   I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Trust in the Workplace and Why We Lie

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Like it or not, believe it or not, we bring our biology and biography to work, i.e., we bring our “family” to work. It’s a fact of psycho/emotional life at work.

So, at work, most of the folks we encounter, in some way, (consciously or unconsciously, emotionally, energetically and psychologically) remind us of members of our families.

Early wounding

As young children we learned to act/respond in ways that (1) brought us mommy and daddy’s love, approval, acceptance and acknowledgement and/or (2) kept us safe from harm, trauma or abuse. As children, it’s also a fact of life that everyone is “wounded” by parents or primary caregivers who are doing their best, but, nevertheless – unintentionally – are wounding, harming or traumatizing their child in some way through their language, judgments, criticisms, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. This is true even in households on Candy-Cane Lane where everything was “just beautiful and loving and no one raised their voice.” In childhood, wounding occurs.

The wounding imprint

Thus the child grows up with an imprint on their brain and carries an emotional make-up in their body that translates into feelings that they are deficient, lacking, unworthy or not good enough. As the child enters into adolescence, they have come to “know” or “believe” they need to think and act in certain ways to protect their self from others’ real or perceived disapproval, negative judgment, criticism or verbal or physical harm.

The 3-4-5-year-old adult

So, we now fast-forward to adult life at work (and, truth be told, at home, at play and in relationship). Since most folks who have not done personal work are usually unaware of these childhood experiences and the resulting psychodynamics, many folks are really acting out their 3-4-5 year old emotional selves in adult bodies, wearing adult clothes – especially those who insist, “Hey I am adult; I am mature, I am! I am! I am!”

So, when these individuals face people, circumstances  or events at work that can affect whether or not they receive the energetic, emotional and psychological equivalent of “mommy or daddy’s” love, acceptance or approval, their knee-jerk reptilian brain reactively compels them to “do what it takes” to get the “love.” Consciously and unconsciously, feeling deficient, feeling lacking, feeling unworthy and feeling afraid that truth-telling could end in some type of  “punishment,”  disapproval or rejection, they resort to lying as one option or defense to deflect “being punished” and losing the love and acceptance they truly want and are seeking.

The AHAs

When folks do personal growth and spiritual awareness work, they often discover the various ways they have donned masks, veils, and put on false personalities to cover up their “I’m deficient,” “I’m not good enough” or “I need to make people like me” beliefs and self-images. With personal work, they uncover or discover the truth of why they are who they are as adults. With this awareness, they can then shed their self-limiting beliefs, their masks and their need to lie. They begin to see the false self-images they created to protect themselves and learn how to “show up” as authentic, as their true and real self and “tell the truth” first, to themselves and then, to others.

The truth will set you free

From this place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturation, a place where the “truth sets one free,” folks move to a place of being real, a place they experience as refreshing, light, and honest. In this place, they have no need for duplicity, disingenuineness, faking, phoniness, or, fear. And, amazingly and refreshingly, they discover “telling the truth is not as bad as I thought.” As the expression goes, “The Truth shall set you free.”

The deeper question, the curiosity, is why so many of us refuse to believe the truth will set us free.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What was truth-telling like when you were growing up? (you, your primary caregivers, relatives, friends, etc.)?
• When did you first discover you had a need to lie?
• What did lying get you? Specifically?
• Did anyone teach you how to lie? How so?
• So, today, where/when do you find yourself lying? How so?
• Do you ever admonish others for lying? When and why?
• When you lie, do you blame it on events or circumstances and not your character?
• When others lie, do you blame it on the events and circumstances in their life or on some character flaw they have?
• Would you say you’re a trustworthy person?
• Are you a trusting person?
• Has anyone ever told you they can’t trust you? If so, what was that like?
• Do you lie to yourself? About what?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Talk, talk, talk…

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One of the most frustrating and irritating experiences at work is not just the number of unnecessary meetings, (although they do indeed test one’s patience), but the endless talk, chatter and aimless “sharing of thoughts” that never seems to go away and seldom leads anywhere, either.

Is this true of your workplace?

The need for stimulation

With technologically-driven, over-stimulated brains, it seems we humans have an inherent and insistent (often unconscious) need to talk, teach, tell, train, fix or just generally hijack others’ experiences so that we can get our $.04 cents in. We need to talk. We need to be seen and heard, expressing thoughts even if these contribute no appreciable worth or value. It doesn’t matter if we have nothing new, innovative, creative or pertinent to say. It’s talk for the sake of talk, and not a breath of fresh air.

As I began to write this, I came across a quote from the Indian writer and sage, Master Jiddu Krishnamurti: “Thoughts are like furniture in a room with the door closed.”

Move it here; no, there; no, over there…

So, I thought I’d take a chance and stretch this metaphor and approach the give-and-take of workplace communications – and meetings in particular – from the perspective of moving furniture around in a room.

In many (most?) meetings, people like to move around a lot of furniture. They move it here, then there, then here, then over there. Then they decide to change the fabric or the covers and move the furniture around some more.

Of course, it is still the same furniture, only with a different fabric. It doesn’t matter what color or texture you try to cover it up with, it’s the same furniture – and still with the door closed. There’s no oxygen. No breath of fresh air. No “new.”

Visualize yourself in a room with other people. Your collective task is to move furniture. But rather than just pushing it back and forth and changing its outer appearance, why not take a different approach and ask yourself the following questions. The goal is to explore not only the value and worth of your own and others’ contributions, but to explore what you can learn about yourself in the moving process and how you can make your interactions with others at work more meaningful.

Questions or self-reflection

• What kinds of feelings am I experiencing as I move the furniture and observe others moving it?
• What insights am I gaining about myself as I move or observe other movers?
• Do my biases, prejudices, assumptions and “stories” limit me in any way?
• How am I reacting to the furniture, the textures, the colors, the fabrics?
• Is my moving affecting others? How so?
• Do I exhibit a specific way of sharing or thinking that helps/hinders a healthy moving environment?
• How are other peoples’ moves affecting me?
• How do I feel about giving feedback to others’ moves, choice of textures, colors, or fabrics?
• Am I seeking feedback for my choice of moves, colors, textures, fabrics? Why? Why not?
• Do I find myself reflecting about me as a result of others’ moves or choice of colors, textures or fabrics?
• Am I conscious of my reactions to others?
• Do I consider myself the moving expert, and the expert of colors, fabrics or textures? How do I express my expertise?
• Am I open to considering other possible moves, colors, textures and fabrics?
• If others’ choices are not like mine, are they “bad” or “wrong?” Why?
• Am I attached to my own agenda for how the furniture should be moved?
• Do I lift the spirit of the other movers?
• Am I being open-minded about moves, colors, textures and fabrics?
• Am I judging others’ choices?
• How is the energy of the room? Where are the blockages?
• What kind of energy am I generating?
• How would I describe my relationship with the other movers and their relationships with me?
• How do I handle difficult moves or challenging choices of colors, textures and fabrics?
• Does this experience push me past my personal boundaries, comfort and safety zones?
• Am I safe opening myself to new ways of moving, or to new colors, new textures and new fabrics?
• Do I prefer the old familiar way of moving, the familiar colors, familiar textures and familiar fabrics?
• Do I know more about myself leaving this room than when I entered? Did I, in fact, learn anything?
• What would happen if we all moved the furniture to another room and opened the door and windows?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship?

Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Between you and me…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“An avoidance of true communication is tantamount to a relinquishment of my self-being; if I withdraw from it I am betraying not only the other but myself.” – Karl Jaspers

I don’t get many cold calls these days. Today, I did. Two, in fact – about five minutes apart. What struck me, as do most of these calls, is the perfunctory, scripted, energetically flat, “How are you today?” immediately after the caller states their name and company.

Kiss of death

In my mind, those four words are the kiss of death? Why? The energy between the words usually communicates to me (1) it’s not about me and (2) the caller is basically feigning interest and unconsciously jumping through a requisite hoop to get to the pitch, and, hopefully, to a sale. It’s all about them; not really about me. So, I hang up immediately – 99.9% of the time after a polite “No, thanks.”

So, let’s take a look at this dynamic from the perspective of how we meet and greet others at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Do you care? Really care?

If you look back on your day today, or the past few days, or week, can you recall moments where you asked someone “How are things going?” or “What’s goin’ on?” or “How are you today?” Do you recall their response? And, more, can you recall actually stopping and listening, really listening to their response? Did you probe more deeply when someone responded with more than an “OK”? Were you actually interested? Did you feign interest? Were you respectful? Were you sorry you asked?

In a fast-paced, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter-driven world, many of us have a tendency (often unconscious) to actually “diss” the person to whom we’re speaking even while asking how they are. Unconsciously, we assume that our perfunctory “What’s up?” or “How’s it goin’?” falsely allows us to check off the “I acknowledged someone today.” box on my “how to have positive relationships” check-sheet. For many of us, it’s actually an unconscious, knee-jerk question we ask and, truth be told, we could care less about how they are. I’m sure more than a few of us, when we’re greeted this way, have an internal response of “yeah, like they really care!”

Intersubjectivity

Between two people, or you and a team, or you and a group, there’s space – physical space. Here, we’ll focus on the space between two individuals. This space between the two is not empty space. Actually, it’s filled with energy. What kind of energy? An energy which, on a continuum, ranges from warm to cold, soft to hard, relaxed to tense, strong to weak, love to fear, etc. Get it?

The energy reflects the psycho-emotional “temperature”” of the two individuals. Your thoughts (conscious and unconscious), and your moods and emotions (conscious and unconscious) in that moment. This energetic phenomenon is called intersubjectivity and it’s what occurs when two souls meet. It’s about how you’re feeling – often based on what you’re thinking.

The experience of intersubjectivity is what allows your own “internal landscape” and that of the other to come to the fore, consciously. Intersubjectivity reflects the degree to which you allow yourself to open up so the other has a deeper sense and experience of you in the moment.

Intersubjectivity is a “conscious” and intentional experience. The experience of intersubjectivity allows you, in real-time, to be curious about who you are, who you’re taking yourself to be in the interaction, how you experience yourself and the other person – emotionally, physically, energetically, spiritually – from a perspective of “Who am I?” right here and right now. We’re not talking about role, position and the like, but of a deeper sense of “who I am.” All with curiosity – not judgment or criticism of self or other.

Intersubjectivity questions

What am I feeling like (perhaps using a metaphor)?
What does the space in which I/we’re immersed feel like?
What’s my experience of “ease of be-ing” during this interaction?
How old do I feel?
What’s my heart center feel like (not the physical heart, but your spiritual heart center area in the middle of your chest)?
What quality does the ground have?
Am I “in my head” or somewhere else in my body?
How connected to the other do I feel?
What physiological sensations am I experiencing in my body?
Is my heart engaged?
What stories about this experience am I telling myself?
How grounded (vs. “spacy”) do I feel?
Do I have a lot of ego/mental activity going on?
Am I trusting myself/the other right now?
What’s my breath like, heart rate?
What’s my breathing like?
Am I sharing my truth?
Do I feel I’m being influenced by the other?
Am I feeling authentic?
Do I feel I want to be in this interaction?
Am I needing to be/feel accepted?
Do I feel supported by my Higher Self?

Why is intersubjectivity useful?

Intersubjectivity is one way to see yourself as a barometer that points to how you “show up” in relationship, to assess the degree of your authenticity, to look at the quality of your interactions – feelings, emotions, physiological sensations – and give you a sense of the quality of that “space” between you and the other.

Focusing on the quality of the space between you can and will – if you’re intentional and sincere – help you know yourself, who you are, during interactions. It’s as if the “content” is irrelevant; the “context” is everything.

What awareness of intersubjectivity does is support you to be “conscious” of your interactions. When you’re more  conscious, you become aware of how your, heretofore, “unconscious” interactions, (e.g., walking into a room, office, kitchen, family room, restaurant, store, classroom, meeting room, etc. and uttering a quick “how’s it goin?” and making believe you care) will become less and less a part of your robotic “relationship repertoire.” It allows for “personal-ness” – a quality sorely missing from many of our daily interactions – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. And, from this place, you can be curious about how you’re meeting and greeting others, and why.

So, if you don’t mean it, or don’t care, then don’t ask.

“So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.” – Krishnamurti

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Think about some folks with whom you interact regularly at work, at home, at play and in relationship. As you reflect, how would you describe the “space” between the two of you generally? What do you see about how you show up in these interactions, as a result of this reflection?
• Do you, consciously or unconsciously, distance yourself from others (through avoidance, being antagonistic, etc.)? What stories do you tell yourself to make this happen? Do you often feel “separate” when in dialogue with others?
• When you’re in dialogue with someone about whom you can’t see their good, or beauty or truth, how can you “warm” the space between the two of you and see their truth?
• All things being equal, if someone attempts to create a “safe space” between them and you (i.e., being open, honest, authentic, disclosing emotions, feelings, etc.), how does that make you feel?
• Did you experience the quality of intersubjectivity among your family members as you were growing up? What about now?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Why being transparent can be challenging

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The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines transparent as: free from pretense or deceit; easily seen through; readily understood; characterized by visibility or accessibility of information, especially concerning business practices. Google results show 107,000,000 hits that point to transparency in the market, 37,300,000 for transparency in the workplace, and 93,900,000 for transparency in relationships. Needless to say, transparency is a highly popular and widely-discussed topic.

The foundation underneath transparency

The foundational element of transparency is truth-telling, being open, honest and sincere in putting one’s self out there. The essence of truth-telling is being comfortable in one’s own skin. Why the need for transparency? Trust. All conscious, healthy relationships thrive on the basis of trust, integrity and transparency. Being transparent in what we think, say, feel and do creates a container in which others see us as being congruent and in alignment with who we think and say we are, and who we really are, leading to win-win, trusting and psycho-emotionally healthy relationships . The reverse is also true. When we lack transparency, others relate to us at an arm’s length, view us suspiciously, vigilantly look over their shoulder at us, feel unsafe and untrusting around us. It’s no wonder when we’re not transparent we’re judged as lacking credibility, reliability, dependability and trustworthiness. Transparency – it seems so simple, but, for many, it’s not easy.

What keep us from being transparent?

The question is: if transparency is such a popular topic and, moreover, a behavior seemingly in high demand, why are so many reluctant or resistant to behave transparently at work, at home, at play, in love relationships, friendships and acquaintanceships?

Child-to-adult transition

Very early on in life, most children are truly transparent. They share their thoughts; they engage in lively, free expression; they openly and honestly disclose how they feel. But not long after, they are often met with resistance, first, from their parents or immediate care-givers, then from extended family, teachers, clergy, so-called friends and others. Their reactivity/resistance to the child’s transparency is often expressed as:

• “You think you’re so smart!” (with a negative edge)
• “Little boys/girls should be seen and not heard!” (you’re an irritant)
• “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!” (you’re stupid)
• “What do you know!” (with a negative dismissal)
• “Not now, I’m busy! (i.e., what you have to say isn’t important)
• “Who told you that?!” (skepticism; disbelief)
• “Don’t say/do such a thing” (how can you say/do such a thing!)
• “I don’t believe you.” (you’re lying)
• “You better not talk like that!” (what you have to say is unacceptable or inappropriate) “That’s not true; you’re stupid!” (you are lacking or deficient)
• “You don’t make any sense!” (you’re stupid)
• “You think you’re so smart!(sarcastically)
• “You don’t think straight!” (you’re unintelligent)
• “What makes you think that way!” (your approach/ideas are weird)
• “You don’t have half a brain!” (you’re stupid)
• “For someone so smart, you’re really stupid!”
• “That’ll never work!” (your proposal/project/idea is useless)
• “You’ll only cause trouble.” (you’re not mainstream; you’re not ‘like me’)

When one has been hammered over and over again with this type of reactivity to their transparency, the child begins to believe that what they say, think and do is not “good enough,” or that they are “bad” or “wrong.”

How the programming start

This belief –”transparency is not a good thing”; “transparency is bad” – becomes an imprint, hard-wired on our brain, in our unconscious, and we then carry this belief into adolescence and eventually into adulthood. This belief is translated into, “What I think/say/do doesn’t have value.” and we feel “I don’t have value.” “If I don’t have value, then I better change the way I am in order to have value and worth” to garner the love, recognition, acknowledgement, approval and all the other “goodies” that will only come to me if I contract, shut down and become opaque, anything but transparent.   In essence, we have created a self-image, or an identity, that I am not credible, or I’m not smart, or intelligent. And in order to be heard, seen, and “met,” we give up our voice and believe we have to hide our truth, our intelligence, ideas, thoughts, emotions and feelings, and squash our True and Real Self. We defer. We become quiet and passive. We Lie. We deceive. We cheat. We blame. All in an effort to avoid being transparent.    Mired in a state of insecurity, feeling small, invisible, irrelevant, and insignificant, we often go through life “quietly” and afraid, playing like “good little boys and girls.” The underlying belief is that I can’t do, think or act as myself and if I did, I would be wrong, ridiculed, and shamed.

At work

As for the workplace, where transparency is a hot topic, it’s important to remember that we bring our “family” to work – our biography and our biology. Often in interactions at work (as well as at home, play, and in relationships) we can feel like a child in our interactions with others – others who unconsciously remind us of the reactive, judgmental, critical parent or other authority figure who criticized us when being transparent as a child. So, we hold back, defer, shut down, resist disclosing and become opaque so we can safely feel seen, heard and accepted. Transparency is a scary proposition, and not an option, in this dynamic. For example, we’re often reluctant to discuss our motives and feelings about our plans, our policies, processes, procedures, or other strategies, tactics or steps among ourselves and with our clients. We’re afraid to be up-front with customers, vendors, suppliers and other stakeholders. We’re afraid to tell others how and what we really think and feel, and why. We’re opaque.   As we become more self-aware – emotionally, psychologically and spiritually mature – we’re able to show up authentically, allow our voice, our wisdom, our thoughts, our motives and be who we really are – our True, Real and authentic Self.

Our Essential Self

When we come from our Essence, being transparent and allowing our voice, our feelings, emotions and honesty and openness, we become authentically alive and, being secure in our own skins, we’re not afraid to foster relationships that are transparent healthy, conscious, and trusting – leading to real connection, collegiality and collaboration. From this inner place, we summon the courage, strength, will and steadfastness to speak “our truth” and not be concerned or caught up in what others think or believe about us.   Only through transparency can we truly come to know who we are. If we are not open and transparent to others, we cannot be open and transparent to ourselves, and vice-versa. If we are not aware, open and transparent to ourselves, to all of our self, we cannot mature and become fully self-actualized.   “You are the lens in the beam. You can only receive, give, and possess the light as the lens does. If you seek yourself, you rob the lens of its transparency. You will know life and be acknowledged by it according to your degree of transparency, your capacity, that is, to vanish as an end, and remain purely as a means.”  – Dag Hammarskjold

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are most folks aware of the motives underneath your thoughts, words and actions? Are you?
• Would you describe leaders and managers in your workplace as open? Why/why not?
• Would you describe yourself and your spouse/partner as open? Really, really open?
• Do you demand transparency from others while being opaque yourself? Are you a trustworthy person? A transparent person? What would your friends say? Would you ask them?
• Does the standard of transparency by which you measure yourself differ from the standard of transparency by which you measure others? If yes, how so?
• What stories do you use to rationalize and justify your lack of transparency? Do you often operate out of pretense?
• Can you admit you don’t know what or how, don’t have an answer, or feel afraid or uncomfortable?
• What was the principle of transparency like when you were growing up?
• Have you ever been found out in some way, shape or form? What was that like?
• Can you envision a life where transparency is an everyday operating principle?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. You may reprint this article as long as the article is printed in its entirety, including the author’s information

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is the founder of True North Partnering an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching and facilitating. With a practice based on the dynamic intersection of mind, body, emotion and spirit, Peter’s approach focuses on personal, business, relational and spiritual coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For more information,  www.truenorthpartnering.com, or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com, or phone 770.804.9125.

You can also follow Peter on Twitter: @petergvajda