Empathy – It’s a Heart Thing, not a Mind Thing

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In his book, “Empathic Civilization: The Race to Global Consciousness in a World in Crisis,” Jeremy Rifkin argues that “…what is needed is a more transparent public debate around views of freedom, equality and democracy…a moratorium on the hyperbolic political rhetoric and incivility…and begin a civil conversation around our differing views on human nature. This would offer us a moment in time to listen to each other, share our feelings, thoughts, concerns and aspirations, with the goal of trying to better understand each other’s perspectives, and hopefully find some emotional and cognitive common ground…”

While Rifkin’s book provides a detailed explanation of how we arrived at our culture of incivility and how empathy is a “way out,” I think his conclusion falls short of a real solution. He equates “cognition” with “consciousness” and assumes we can talk ourselves into being empathetic. But love and empathy are matters of the heart, not the mind, and this is where Rifkin (and so many others who posit intellectual and cognitive solutions for social ills) comes up short.

Cognition vs. consciousness

Cognition and consciousness are poles apart. They are not synonyms, but rather polar ends of a continuum. Here’s my take.

We live in challenging times – socially, politically, economically and in our everyday lives. Incivility, disrespect, and out-and-out personal attacks are a consequence of a prevailing sense of unease, resentment and fear. So, can I just “think” myself into being empathic with those who push my buttons? I think not.

The challenge of empathy

Empathy is the ability and willingness to relate – not just cognitively or emotionally, but psychologically and spiritually – to what someone else is feeling. Being empathic, we choose to “walk in another’s shoes” without needing to “fix,” advise, sympathize, interrogate, explain or “set them straight.”  It is a heart-felt choice to engage intimately with others, providing a safe container for another to be vulnerable in our presence and to be valued and heard.

But why is empathy so hard? Underneath the hood of surface-level anger, distrust and disrespect there’s an element that sources our incivility: fear – in particular, fear of losing control, losing our “identity,” losing recognition, i.e., our need to feel like a “somebody,” and losing a sense of security – mentally, physically, emotionally or psychologically.

When individuals or groups fear a loss of status, or worry about losing their jobs, their homes, their health care, their educational opportunities, their families and sense of self, they fear being relegated to the ranks of “nobodies.” And nobody wants to be a “nobody.”

So how do you deal with these marginalized, fearful individuals? Do you push them away? Do you see them as a threat to your identity, to your feelings of being “somebody?” Do your feelings of status and “somebody-ness” depend on doing, being and having more than them – a “zero-sum” approach to life where you feel that “if you get yours, then I won’t get mine?”

In other words, is your life a “me vs. you” proposition? Do you see others merely as a means to end? If you do, this is where empathy comes into play.

I am you

One tenet of many spiritual traditions is the notion that “I am you” – a metaphysical (far from cognitive) concept that points to the interconnection of all of life. An “I/Thou” approach to others is not based on the other’s packaging (their looks, net worth, education or the quality and quantity of their material possessions). Instead, it focuses on a heart-felt “we” rather than “me vs. you,” on how we are more alike than different. I/Thou assumes a higher level of “consciousness” in how you orient to the planet and the people on it.

There are four levels of consciousness:

• Unconscious – instinctual, follower
• Subconscious – habitual, robotic, drone-like, reactive
• Conscious – aware, intelligent, conceptual
• Higher Consciousness – intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal, heart-driven

Empathy reflects a state wherein which you interact with others at a higher level of consciousness. It’s heart-felt, resulting from asking ourselves whether our unconscious, subconscious, or conscious “stories” about others are honest and authentic or are really defense mechanisms designed to protect our “ego” selves. From a place of real empathy, the energy of love and warmth fill the space between two people, not the coldness and resentment of a “me vs. you” perspective.

Empathy allows equality between and among individuals. And higher consciousness, not cognition, is also the “secret sauce” of cooperation, collaboration, compassion and connection with others. It allows me to “feel your pain” – to feel that I am you.

Einstein said: “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” My take here is that “thinking” is not the problem, but consciousness. You may be thinking differently, but that’s not the same as moving to a higher level of consciousness. And that’s the problem: old wine, new wine skins. That’s why the solutions to our challenges won’t be found in new (cognitive or intellectual) flavors of democracy, or freedom, or social panaceas, or economics; instead, they lie in co-relating and co-creating on a spiritual level.

Our mean-spiritedness, anger, mistrust and intolerance will not be eliminated by cognitive understanding because true empathy is not a matter of cognition. The common ground we need to find is not in the real estate of the brain, but in the fertile fields of our hearts.

The Indian Philosopher Krishnamurti described thoughts as being “like furniture in a room with the windows and doors closed.” Sadly, many of the well-meaning individuals who seek “solutions” to incivility issues are in this same room. They suggest plenty of solutions, but they are all the same old furniture, only with different covers, or textures or shapes, etc. The problem is that discussions are mostly intellectual and cognitive. Only the heart allows fresh air to circulate and brings true transformation, new “furniture.”

Empathy is not thinking

So, what we need is a shift in consciousness, not cognition – one that puts under the microscope our emotional, psychological and spiritual orientation to the planet and those inhabiting it. This internal exploration is quiet, slow, continuous and intentional. It’s not “thinking about,” it’s not intellectual. Here we look into and listen to our hearts, not our minds.

This higher consciousness also allows us to enter into communication and harmony with others from a place where we relate to others as “brothers and sisters.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify it?
• How do you generally interact with those who think differently from you?
• Do you live life from an “I need to be right” perspective? If so, why?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How about being empathetic?
• Do you ever justify another’s uncivil behavior?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil manner? If so, how did you respond?
• How did you, your family, deal with disagreement as you were growing up?
• What do you notice if/when you think others on the planet are your brothers and sisters?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible to respond to disagreement without being uncivil, angry or otherwise disrespectful?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Work, play or misery?

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In the current economy, it seems obvious that having a job – any job – is better than having no job at all. But is that really true?

Job or no job?

Recently, the journal Occupational Environmental Medicine published a study by Dr. Peter Butterworth, a senior research fellow at the Centre for Mental Health Research at the Australian National University. He found that as far as mental health is concerned, some jobs are so demoralizing that they’re worse than having no job at all.

The study followed more than 7,000 Australians over a seven-year period. It found that people who had been unemployed felt calmer, happier, less depressed and less anxious after they had found a job. But not just any job. They only felt better is that job was rewarding and manageable.

In exploring individuals’ mental state, employment status, and (if they had a job) working conditions they either enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy, the survey respondents were asked to what degree they agreed with statements such as “My job is complex and difficult” and “I worry about the future of my job.”

Work and mental health

The research pinpointed four job characteristics linked with mental health: work complexity and demands, job security, compensation, and – crucially – control over one’s job (the freedom to decide how best to do it).

Recently-unemployed people who rated their job positive in these areas reported substantial improvements in their mental health. However, those newly employed who felt overwhelmed, insecure about their job stability, underpaid, and micromanaged reported sharp declines in their mental health, including increased depression and anxiety. Interestingly, those who couldn’t find a job fared better.

So the conventional wisdom that “any job offers psychological benefits for individuals over the demoralizing effects of unemployment” – or any work is better than no work at all – is just not true.

What’s more, Dr. Butterworth also suggests that certain jobs and job environments (notably call centers) are more likely to adversely affect one’ mental health.

Bosses and mental health

Finally, the study suggests something that most of us know all too well. Namely, that managers have a direct impact on employees’ mental health and well-being. “Bad bosses will make anybody unhappy (and) stress comes from bad managers.”

And this brings me to a second, related point.

Work to live or live to work?

Marshall Goldsmith, the world-renowned executive coach, recently explored (in a piece on the Huffington Post site) “why folks work.” He asked, “Do you work to live or live to work” (given the notion that most folks spend at least one-third to one-half of their waking hours at work)?

In this vein, Mr. Goldsmith asked a number of leaders how they viewed their work. They had three choices; they estimated the percentage of work that fell into three categories (and you might want to give this a try yourself):

Play, work and misery

Play – work is fun; would do this regardless of whether or not you were paid to do it; it provides an outlet for creative energy or self-development and self-actualization.

Work – not play, not fun but work which you would do if you were reasonably compensated for it and work towards which you are committed.

Misery – not fun and no amount of money could make it fun; often tasks or activities you would attempt to avoid.

Here’s what Goldsmith found.

• 15 percent of what professionals do is considered play;
• 75 percent of what professionals do is considered work;
• 10 percent of what professionals do is considered misery.

So if our mental health can be put at risk depending on how we spend our time at work, what should we do about it? Generally, when you explore your life at work (and you might also consider at home, at play and in relationship), consider those activities that bring you fun (real fun, not faux, a “make-believe-this-is-fun” appearance of fun) and those that bring you some flavor of misery.

How you interact with your world 

Your mental health and well-being depend on how honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly you explore these questions and discern how much of your life is fun, honest “work”, and how much is just misery.

So, does your life at work (and, yes, even at home, at play and in relationship) really, really fit your personality and style? Does your life at work (and at home) tend towards the “misery” side of the equation more than it does the “fun” or even “work” side? (“Work” in the context of a relationship meaning is it worth the effort to be in a relationship.) Every (worthwhile and healthy) relationship demands “work” – you work it; it works you.

Often, “fun,” “work” and “misery” are functions of one’s personality or inherent traits. And being a square peg in a round hole is a recipe for misery, not fun – anywhere. Moreover, often the “square peg” is not ready, willing or able to adapt in order to make work more fun and less miserable.

Second, reflect on whether you are a good fit for what you choose to do in your life – both at work and at home. Do you ever make choices that really don’t fit you very well because you feel that you have to make them – and then resign yourself to living a life of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation? If so, why?

Third, do you know yourself very well – over and above your “packaging” and “trappings?” Do you understand your personality, your motivation, your triggers and the values that underpin your choices, actions and behaviors?

To do so, first clarify your natural tendencies related to how you interact with your world, so you can make better life and work choices and decisions.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What proportion of your work would you define as “fun,” “work” or “misery?” Are you OK with this?
• What proportion of your relationship would you define as “fun,” “work” (in the sense that it “works” you and you “work” it to keep it conscious and healthy) and “misery?” Are you OK with this?
• If you’re uncomfortable with any of the above, what steps can you take to move in a direction that would make you more comfortable?
• How much freedom do you have on your job? How about in your relationship (really, do you ever wish you had more freedom)?
• Is your mental health suffering due to your job or your relationship?
• Are you worried about your job? About your relationship? If so, why?

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Put-Down Humor is Not Funny

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Over the course of time, I’ve been involved in coaching numerous groups and teams, some of which had been intact for months, some for years. Their participants represented the usual spectrum of “types” you might find in any group, anywhere.

However, across all these teams, I was often been struck by one behavior that stood out above all others – namely the propensity for some members to consistently engage in making destructive, cutting, and sarcastic remarks to and about others in their group or on their team.

The comments I experienced were directed at folks’ physical characteristics (e.g., hair, clothes), their perspectives or ideas, life choices (as trivial as their choices of restaurants, movies, sports teams and the like), their current performance, even where they had worked previously or attended school.

These were not simply run-of-the-mill light comments. There was an underlying edge of anger, resentment and destruction wrapped inside. They were hurtful, demeaning, sarcastic and verbally abusive.

On more than one occasion, I had to do a “double-take”, and ask myself, “Did I really hear that?” “Did he really say that?” “Did she knowingly throw that zinger at her?”

What continually came to me was “Why?” “What is this all about?”

Everywhere in Western culture today, the biting, sarcastic, demeaning put-down has become an art form, – TV, movies, talk radio, sports events, journals and magazines. It’s part of the fabric of everyday conversation. And more and more folks seem to view such behavior as “business as usual”, as no big deal.

In fact, when I asked some of these folks if they were aware of what they said, most responded, “No.” or “So, what?” Like I had three heads or came from another planet. For many of these folks, their verbally-violent behavior is a true “blind spot.”

So, let’s return to the question, “Why?”. In my experience in the realm of psychology and psychodynamics, we understand most folks engage in put-downs, sarcasm and barbs as a way to look sharp, smart, witty and cool. That’s the upside for them. The downside is that the person for whom the comment is directed is often harmed, hurt, demeaned, or otherwise made the point of ridicule.

When I ask other group participants who are bystanders to this behavior why they often react with laughter, or “atta boy” comments, they generally say they don’t know, they just do. “It was funny.” Basically, a-knee-jerk reaction.

The truth is that many react this way, in the “go along to get along” fashion as they don’t want to stand out as different, serious, “being soft,” etc. They want and need to be “one of the gang,” so speaking out, or pushing back against such comments and behavior will only serve to get them ostracized. So, they laugh or jump into the banter. (It’s like a verbal gang rape.)

The deal is, this. No matter how sharp one is, how educated, how senior in the hierarchy one is, how wealthy one is, no one (read: no one) has the right to strive to look witty, sharp or cool at the expense of another human being, at the expense of being disrespectful to another human being.

And, for those who have a need to do so, the underlying question is, “Why?” What does it get you? Does it make any difference that you might be hurting someone else?

SOME QUESTIONS FOR SELF-REFLECTION:

• Can you think of a time recently when you made a sarcastic or demeaning remark because you thought it would make you appear witty or smart?
• Can you remember being the recipient of another’s sarcastic comment? How did that make you feel?
• If you have a reputation for being witty because you are a master of sarcasm, how does that make you feel?
• Would you ever ask the objects of your sarcasm how they feel? What does sarcasm get you, personally?
• Do you think others really respect you, or just go along to get along, when they laugh at what you say?
• Are you ever demeaning and sarcastic towards your partner or children? How do you think they like your behavior? Do you ever ask them?
• Did you ever have to apologize for a cutting remark you made? What was that like for you?
• Did you ever tell a colleague or friend to stop using you as a target for their destructive words?
• Who would you be if sarcasm were not part of your personality? Would you lose some or much of your identity with that aspect of yourself?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship?

Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Mindfulness, Meditation and Becoming a Better You – An Interview

I was recently interviewed on TopDocs Radio: Mindfulness, Meditation and Becoming a Better You. I enjoyed the experience. I hope you will, too.  http://bit.ly/1C6VNKD

Beyond judgment

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The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti remarked that “the highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating.”

So, a few questions:
Are some of the people around you lazy, or do they just do lazy things?
Are some kids you see stupid, or do they just do things differently from you?
Are some of your co-workers uncreative or do they just approach tasks in a way you wouldn’t?
Are some bosses cold and calculating or do they just manage in ways you might not?
Is your spouse or partner too independent or do they just have a different way of viewing a relationship?

Judging as the cause of disconnects
One of the major causes of disconnects between people – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – is our tendency to not only make observations about their behavior, but to use these as the basis make snap judgments about their character.

When we observe someone and instantly label them on the basis of some behavior or other, we move away from seeing the wholeness and totality of that person.

Many of us engage in knee-jerk, judgmental reactions of others who, in some way appear “different from me.” We are quick not only to point out the “bad-ness” or “wrong-ness” of another but to evaluate who they are based on observations of their behavior.

So, Mary’s lazy; John’s a procrastinator; Julia’s unhealthy; Susan’s angry; Mario’s a narcissist, Jane’s aggressive; Art’s a complainer.

None of these judgments is an observation. None of these criticisms points to a simple, objective behavior. All of these are judgments we feel we need to make about a person based on what we have observed.

The next time you find yourself making a knee-jerk reactive judgment, perhaps ask first, “What is that person doing or saying that makes me feel some sense of discomfort?” And then ask yourself, “Why can’t I seem to just notice their behavior without needing to make a judgment or offer an evaluation?”

In fact, it would be interesting if during your day you could actually discern between your observations and your evaluations. Many can’t, because the habit of observing and judging is so ingrained.

Why we judge rather than observe
When our ego, rather than our heart and soul, is left to do the driving, our GPS is based on looking at the landscape from a like/dislike, right/wrong, or good/bad perspective. Built into this is an evaluative process based on ego-based emotions, feelings, character, qualities, and styles, etc.

So the more someone is “not like me,” the more we feel a tendency to push away from them. All of this is based on our need, often unconscious, to “be right.” When someone behaves – in thought, word or deed – in a way that does not sync up with what we feel is right, we feel challenged. And when we feel challenged, we feel the need to defend our beliefs, our “rightness.” In doing so, we’re looking support our psycho-emotional safety and security with “who I am.”

Making judgments about others is how we defend our self. If we can make them “bad” or “wrong,” then we’re right or good. This dynamic is also the underlying foundation of bias and prejudice. And for many, it is characteristic of living in a world of duality – good vs. bad; right vs. wrong; intelligent vs. stupid, etc.

Moving beyond duality
The way we move beyond this dualistic tendency is to suspend judgment – to observe without evaluating. When we transcend our ego and come from a place of presence – simply observing – we can start to see the essence of another individual.

From this place we can suspend what we like and dislike and allow our soul to look at the truth (not ego-based subjective truth) – a deeper and intuitive sense of another person based on respect, tolerance and understanding, rather than judgement.

And when we’re open and accepting of others, we start to find that we are similar; we are able to accept their personalities without discomfort, resistance, resentment, or difficulty – as we’re relating on a level where love and understanding fill the space between us. Rather than making judgements, we acknowledge other points of view and respond with a “hmmm, that’s interesting” and move on without reacting.

Not by 9:00 tomorrow morning
Being able to accept and understand like this isn’t something that happens overnight, especially for those of us who have a deeply-ingrained tendency towards making judgements about others.

But there are behaviors we can focus on and develop to help us to accept others who push our buttons: patience, understanding, appreciating differences, recognizing the essential nature of others, and being open to, valuing and allowing the uniqueness of others.

When we focus on these behaviors, like and dislike stop being part of the relationship equation. Gradually, they will be replaced by compassion, empathy, acceptance and understanding.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you know the difference between an observation and a judgment?
• Are you quick to judge? What would your friends, co-workers, or spouse/partner say? How so?
• What do you “get” by being judgmental?
• Do you blame others for much of your discomfort?
• Do you become defensive in some way when you encounter people who push your buttons?
• When you were growing up, were your parents, primary caregivers or others judgmental?
• Can you envision a world where people can observe one another without evaluating or judging?
• What is your most recent experience of being judgmental?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering