Keep on Keeping On

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Our lives are a reflection of the ebb and flow of energy. They follow the natural rhythm of seasons. So we experience periods of expansion and periods of contraction, yin and yang, up and down, that affect us at every level – mentally, emotionally, physically and creatively. These occur irrespective of other motivators or external factors and mean that nobody (unless they’re suffering from a psychological disorder) is “up” or “down” 100% of the time.

Many of us, then, aren’t so much challenged by a lack of motivation as by a lack of staying power – the ability to keep on going when our motivation is at a low ebb.

The two might appear similar on the surface, but motivation and staying power are not the same energy. Motivation grows from desire; staying power is a force of will – a force that is still present even when the desire wanes or disappears altogether.

And that’s a critical distinction when it comes to our self-development. Because change or transformation is a function of our will to “keep on keeping on”, not a function of our desire or motivation. So the force to change and transform exists within all of us even when our motivation has deserted us.

Our internal rhythms mean that our motivation is never consistent. It waxes and wanes, irrespective of the different internal and external drivers encouraging us to be motivated. Think about these examples:

• The sales person who, in spite of the terrific (external) commission structure, does not stay motivated
• The employee who, in spite of the (internal) desire to not engage in gossip, does so
• The athlete who, in spite of both the internal motivation and external drivers, loses his/her motivation to play hard and strong consistently
• The individual who makes resolutions (New Year’s and otherwise) and quickly loses staying power
• The EQ-savvy individual who has the desire to remain calm and peaceful in the face of stress, yet succumbs and moves back to anger when stressed
• The person who has the desire and motivation to be more loving and appreciative of his/her partner but finds him/herself irritated, disrespectful and cold and uncaring most of the time
• The individual who is highly motivated to undertake a career transition but falls into inaction and depression a couple of months into their search process
• The person who is motivated to change and transform and undertakes a spiritual practice of some kind yet continues to judge, be critical of, demean, and verbally abuse his/her colleagues, family members, friends and strangers, etc.
• The manager who is motivated to control her emotions but loses it whenever her ego is challenged

Navigating the dips

Anyone who has embarked on a personal development process will be familiar with the “dips,” those periods when energy, drive, and desire wane. It might be a fitness regime, training for an event, a new diet, a self-help group, coaching or therapy. We have the desire. We start off motivated. But having the staying power to keep going when that initial motivation wears off is a different thing altogether.

Rather than waiting for the energy to change, being still and accepting that we’re heading into a dip, many of us get to the bottom and never muster the energy to head back up the other side. Our progress stops. We head back to the drawing board, look for a new coach, a new book, a new workout program, a new diet, new rules and procedures, even a new relationship.

There’s a famous quote: “A saint is a sinner who never gave up.” And it’s true that there is an underlying dynamic that seems to foster a successful “self,” a person who is living and growing according to their “inner values.” Some people are lucky enough to be born with an immediate connection to this innate sense of self. Others find it through voyages of self-discovery that eliminate the damaging beliefs and self-images that are fostered by an excessive attachment to the outer world.

In either case, they possess an innate, passionate desire that roars up from their inner self. But more than that, they also have a tenacious will to stay the course. With this combination, their strength of desire coupled with strength of will is indefatigable.

The power of this synergy is that it silences those defeating and sabotaging ego-driven thoughts, those self-criticisms and false illusions that chip away at our desire and motivation. The inner force becomes our beacon for doing and being, reducing our need to rely on external motivators. It gives us a limitless supply of passion, strength and will to follow a greater vision and invigorates us with the energy of “I can,” “I am,” “I will,” “I have,” “I choose” and “I create,” even during the dips, downs and dark times.

Whether progress is painstakingly slow or made in leaps and bounds, when vision, desire and will have melded together there is no longer any room for ambivalence, defeat or failure. Our direction is clear and our outcome is assured. We don’t give up or fall into some type of “victim/blaming” consciousness at the first sign of discouragement. The force that supports our intentions to do and to be from within, from our inner source, is beyond discouragement or despair.

There are four key questions to ask yourself. What contributes to and strengthens my passion? What contributes to and strengthens my will? What diminishes or weakens my passion? What diminishes or weakens my will?

For those who are caught in a Peter Pan syndrome (“I’ll never grow up”) or a veil of victimization (“I just can’t,” “I don’t have it in me,” “Woe is me”) those questions will hold no appeal. The only people who will bother to pursue the answers are those who value self-responsibility, honesty, sincerity and self-evolution – those who perceives their lives as contributing to the greater good of all humankind.

For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, for everyone who finds those questions engaging and intriguing, now is the time to be still and listen and follow from within. Follow your best vision, dream or intuition. You know what course to follow; the answer is inside you.

If we keep on keeping on, in spite of whatever motivators might exist or not, every one of us has the capability to “pay the higher price” for living an extraordinary life. As Buddhist teaching puts it:

“The power of integrity is based on a firm inner sense of values that allows you to stand your ground regardless of what you are doing or where you are. When we believe that the world makes us, that it determines what we can and cannot do, then we see ourselves as small and weak. But when we understand that we make the world, individually and together, then we become formidable and strong.”

Some questions for self-reflection

• Considering one obstacle you’re currently facing, ask yourself, “Why is this happening FOR me?” When you sit quietly with that question, what can you see, hear, learn or understand? (Ask it often.)
• Is victimization a part of your DNA? Do you often feel the victim? How? Why?
• Can you recall the last time you “stayed the course” in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds? What happened? How do/did you feel?
• Have you even been involved in co-dependent relationships? How did/are they working out?
• What were your earliest experiences of “staying the course” and “giving up

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

What To Do When The Thrill Is Gone

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When out and about in the business arena discussing “things employee,” the issues that pop us most frequently generally relate to some flavor of employee disengagement – the increasing numbers of folks in the workplace who are underperforming and the effect this underperformance has on both the bottom line and morale.

Underperforming and disengaged employees impact and infect the entire organization often in a variety of ways, all of them negative.

For one thing, underperformers are usually nay-sayers, bad-mouthing the organization whenever they can. They also tend to make up the core of the gossiping group, the bullying group or the critical group, affecting morale – not unlike an insidious cancer which destroys the body cell by cell.

Moreover, the disengaged adversely affect productivity simply because it takes them longer to produce – and time, after all, is money.

Finally, the disengaged adversely affect the organization because of the way they interact with clients and customers. More often than not, they’re quick to bad-mouth their organization to others, with all the consequences this has on client satisfaction.

Yet, curiously, the vast majority of employees seem to enjoy a six-month honeymoon period when they first start a job during which time they are actively involved and engaged with their team and their organization. Then the thrill begins to evaporate. The critical question, of course, is why?

For one thing, reality sets in. The picture painted during the interviewing and hiring process turns out to be just one rosy corner of a much larger – and more blurred – painting.

The truth underneath the blur

Behind the gloss, the truth is that, leaders, managers and supervisors are often too busy to take an active role in learning about and supporting their direct reports, viewing them more as functions than people. The emotional distance that ensues fosters disengagement and underperformance.

Likewise, in failing to proactively support the growth and development of direct reports and help them in their career advancement, managers are creating a sure-fire breeding ground for disengagement, and discontent.

It’s a similar story, too, with the opportunities for growth, development and involvement in the creative process that may have been promised in the recruitment process but then fail to materialize. When employees are regarded as drones with few opportunities to branch out, learn new skills or contribute in new ways, they tend to back off.

A lack of information-sharing has much the same effect. Keeping individuals in the dark and refusing access to knowledge that would support them to be more productive and engaged is a sure-fire way to erode trust and build resentment and disengagement.

To make matters worse, in many organizations it’s unclear whether what gets rewarded is friendship or productivity. And when advancement comes from knowing the right people, others tend to withdraw and contribute less.

A culture of favoritism is also damaging because it leads to an absence of real accountability. Once-enthused employees will quickly become resentful when they see others escape from being held accountable because of whom they know.

Feedback is another critical factor. Employees feel stranded and abandoned when they don’t know where they stand. They need to be clear on what they are doing right and what’s wrong or else they’ll start to run on cruise control to get by. When employees lack clear goals or aren’t stretched by challenging, they soon become discouraged.

What all this highlight is that disconnects between employee expectations and organizational expectations lead to confusion. When an employee performs and produces and the organization fails to do so, employees become disenchanted and disillusioned and tend to settle for a less-is-more mindset when it comes to work and working. Disengagement results.

Disengagement – What’s the Solution?

The panacea for disengagement is, well, engagement. So, what can mangers actually do on a day-to-day basis to build a more engaged workforce?

They can show mutual respect, for a start. When leaders, managers and supervisors honestly and openly respect one another as human beings rather than as functions, they begin to build passion and positivity. Unconditional positive regards goes a long way in supporting folks to feel valuable, worthy and passionate.  And, passionate folks are engaged folks.

Holding one another accountable is another way of fostering mutual respect and trust. Mutual-accountability leads to experiencing pride in one’s self and the team, increased enthusiasm and a willingness to go the extra mile, especially when the going gets tough.

Likewise, asking folks to contribute and participate supports engagement. Empowering direct reports has tremendous benefits. Asking everyone to be involved in decision-making when it involves their immediate work and their team foster proactive engagement. Requesting folks to share with others what they do best is empowering. Empowerment results in commitment, buy-in and honest and sincere engagement.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What keeps the thrill alive for you? It is alive, isn’t it? If not, why not?
• Are you proactive in providing feedback and mentoring on a consistent basis, not just when HR says “it’s time” or just when it’s convenient for you?
• How do you feel/react/respond when it comes to taking a “heart-felt” approach to people?
• Does everyone hold everyone else accountable for their piece of the work as an open policy? If not, why not? Fear? Politics? Confusion?
• Do you actually live your organization’s values on a daily basis? What would others say about you?
• Do you ask folks to contribute, engage and participate on a consistent basis?
• Do you empower folks as a practice of your management style?
• Do you publicly recognize and reward folks on a regular basis?
• Are you publicly recognized and rewarded on a regular basis?
• Do you feel you are respected by your bosses, peers, and direct reports?
• Do you tend to hoard information? If so, why? What would others say?
• Do you have a tendency to “play favorites?” If so, how do you justify that behavior to others?
• If the thrill is gone for you, what one baby step can you take this week to get it back? You do want it back, don’t you?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Here We Are, Both of Us Lonely*

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*”I know it’s late, I know you’re weary
I know your plans don’t include me
Still here we are, both of us lonely
Both of us lonely
Why don’t you stay?”

Bob Seger, “We’ve got tonight.”
– Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Thanks to social media, we’ve become more “connected” to one another than ever before. One would think that’s a good thing. But, is it? There’s an ever-growing mountain of research suggesting that our “social-networking, intense connectivity” is actually driving us to become more lonely. How so?

Interactively lonely
One of the characteristics of social networking is the direct relationship between the size of our interactive network and the degree of isolation we experience. The greater the number of our connections and “friends,” the more shallow we seem to become.

The greater our web of influence and connection, the more we seem to become ensconced in our own “socio-psycho-emotional zip code.” In spite of the quantum growth of connecting online, people are isolating themselves emotionally and psychologically in ever increasing numbers.

It’s curious that when you sign up for Google Pus, you’re asked to include “your real friends, the ones you feel comfortable sharing private details with.” Reading between the lines, what’s the unspoken message here? I think it’s about the uneasiness around social media’s unintended consequence of separating us from one another, actually creating greater loneliness and separation – in spite of the fact that social media’s initial intention was to allow us greater “connection” with one another. (Not unlike Starbucks whose initial intention was to create “community” – a community which now largely consists of a group of individuals, being separate and doing their own thing “together”).

Loneliness seems to be on the increase (and understand there’s a vast distinction between being “alone,” and “loneliness.”) An AARP study in 2010 discovered that 35 percent of adults over 45 were chronically lonely. Some physicians and healthcare providers characterize loneliness as an epidemic.

Social interaction
Two questions I would ask are: (1) Are you meeting fewer or more people (in real-time) these days? And (2) When you gather with others would you describe your bonds as less or more meaningful, less or more easy? This is really to ask, honestly and sincerely, how deeply meaningful, purposeful and sincere your “real-world” relationships are. How comfortable are you talking about personal or important matters or issues, or allowing your vulnerability, with those real-world folks with whom you say you have a “relationship?” And, is a lack of real connection driving you to relate online?

And, online, without “human” contact, so-called relationships become mere temporary experiences of convenience, as easily broken off as established. It’s no wonder parents and their children, spouses and partners are seemingly becoming more and more estranged from one another.

All of which makes me curious about the rise in the numbers of psychologists, psychotherapists, counselors, social workers, marriage and family therapists and relationship coaches. Perhaps we’re not “talking” to, or “connected” to our real-world “friends” as much as we think or say we are. Hmmm.

Chicken and the egg
So two questions around social media are: (1) Are social media, causing more or less (mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological) pain and suffering? And, (2) Is our (mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological) pain and suffering causing us to gravitate to social media?

In other words, do those of us who feel socially “out of the loop” with friends look for connection to social media? How about those who feel “out of the loop” with one’s family?

So, I would ask those who are engaged in social media to describe – honestly and sincerely – the quality of their relationship with their friends, with their families and with their spouses/partners. And what do they see or discover as a result of this inquiry? And does what they discover link up with an increased need to engage in social media?

The Casual
Research tells us there’s a host of individuals – characterized as neurotic and lonely – who spend an inordinate amount of time with social media. The question is: “Why?”

Healthy, conscious relationships foster (real) intimacy, trust, deep connectivity. When relationships are replaced by “electronic” interactions, emotional connection – the human factor that creates true relationships – goes missing; along with feelings of warmth and friendship towards the other person – what marriage researcher John Gottman says is the definitive foundational element that determines the sustainability of relationships. When there is no emotional connection, there is no friendship. True emotional connection is blocked by transmission through the ether.

We’ve created tools that reinforce “the casual” and augur against deeper connection – email, IM, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc., all the while reducing and eliminating the opportunity for true heart-felt connection. We don’t spend the time it takes to have real intimacy with another person. The sad truth is the frequency of contact and the number of contacts in our network does not translate into the quality of contact.

The real thing
So, friends, relationships, and connections. The question I would ask is: How real are they? What is the nature and depth of their friendship(s)? What is the nature and the depth of their intimacy? Is the friendship and intimacy as “real” as it is in real-life? Can and does social media truly and honestly create healthy friendships? And the operative word is “healthy.”

To be clear, social media is pure and simply a vehicle for connection. It doesn’t create loneliness or neuroticism or addiction or anything else. We create those states for ourselves. And this bears repeating. We create these states for ourselves. Nobody, no one or no thing is doing anything TO me. We’re each responsible for our own choices and decisions, online and off.

From what I’ve seen, heard and read, my take is that when we’re comfortable in our own skins, (even with our own discomfort!) in our day-to-day interactions with our friends, colleagues, families, spouses/partners and others, we tend to be more real, honest, and emotionally, spiritually and psychologically mature, adult, with others online, and perhaps less needy to be online. And, the converse is also true.

Who am I?
Being comfortable one’s own skin – in real life – is probably one determinant of how one “shows up” in social media situations. There are those whose “fake it till you make it” orientation to life, i.e., lacking a true sense of happiness, or security, or self-love, or centeredness or groundedness, they show up with a “false identity.” This false identity reflects their sense of isolation, loneliness, lack and deficiency. Their self-esteem is determined by their updates, tweets and check-ins.

Those who have a healthier sense of self-esteem, identity and sense of their true and real self, show up just as who they are, warts and all. Perhaps less needy for online connections.

In her book, Alone Together, Sherry Turkle, professor of computer culture at MIT, writes: “…These days, insecure in our relationships and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and protect ourselves from them at the same time… The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy… We don’t want to intrude on each other, so instead we constantly intrude on each other, but not in ‘real time’.”

Within an electronic world, more people may be connecting, but fewer are relating. We may live in an increasingly inter-connected world, but we are experiencing a far less inter-related one. One major consequence of living in such a culture – human contact is more likely to be limited – a poor substitute for real conversation and authentic dealings with another human being. It’s questionable whether such “connecting” represents actual contact at all.

Even as it becomes easier than ever to stay “in touch” our capacity actually to touch one another – physically, emotionally and spiritually – is slipping away.

You can’t be real and intimate from a distance. Period.

Be illusionary about relationship? Sure. But, real, authentic and intimate? No so much.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What face-to-face conversations do you avoid?
• Are you spending less quality time with your spouse/partner, children, or others close to you?
• Do you regularly send virtual birthday or holiday cards and gifts in place of the “real” thing? Why?
• In what ways do you shortchange emotional connection with others?
• Do you feel alone or lonely even when in the company of your spouse/partner, children or other loved ones? Why?
• Are you addicted to Twitter, Facebook or other social networking tools? Can you do without these tools for an hour, a few hours, a day or a week? If not, well, that’s addiction, denials and protestations and “stories” notwithstanding.
• Do you engage with your iPhone or Blackberry while you’re having a face-to-face conversation with another person? What does that communicate to the other person? Do you care?
• Are you on an electronic leash on weekends, days off and while on vacation

—————————————————–
(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering