You know best.

Speaker page,   Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

No-one else knows what’s best for us. And, conversely, we don’t know what’s best for others. So our job, our responsibility is to determine what’s best for ourselves

I know what you need.
I know exactly what you need.” I know what you should do.” I have the answer for you.” I don’t think you should do this.” “This is what you should be working on, focusing on, or pursuing right now.”

Each of these statements is bold, presumptuous, disrespectful and discourteous. These statements (or beliefs, as they often are) separate us from how we operate from a spiritual perspective in all aspects of lives, be it at work, at play or in relationship. Each of us has the ability and capacity to be able to discern our own path and our own way forward through our lives. This is not always easy. Life is often about the struggle and effort that’s sometimes requires us to go inside and rest in this quiet, still place of discovery, the place of right knowing, right understanding and right action.

Advising others, educating others, making decisions for them, plotting and planning their journey and crafting their strategy for moving forward, is not our responsibility, nor should it be. Nor is it their responsibility to direct our journey, to find out path for us.

Even if you have some kind of “contract” with another – if they are a friend, relative, coach, counselor or client – they don’t know what’s best for us, nor should we trust or expect that they do.

Self-responsibility
Each of us is responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. It is also our responsibility to consciously sift through and sort out that information, and then “go inside” to weigh the merits of that information, to discern what we think and feel is best for us. Nobody can know that but each of us in our own way.

The way we can support, honor and respect others is to trust that they have their own internal guidance system, their own internal source of wisdom and their own internal capacity to discern what is in their best and highest good and interest, and that they will discover their path through trial and error – living life.

And us? To trust that we, each of us, through discovery in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment – through the process of living life, making mistakes, taking wrong turns, stumbling and getting up – is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you depend on others to make life choices for you – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? If so, do you know why?
• Do others rely on you to make life choices and decisions for them? And do you? Why?
• Is carving out your life’s path fearful, shaky? How so? Does the fear stop you? If so, why?
• What have you learned about yourself while discovering your own path?
• How/what did your parents or primary caregivers teach you about depending on them or others for support?
• Have you even been in a co-dependent (needy) relationship with another – parent, sibling, spouse or partner, coach, counselor or religious or spiritual guide? What was/is that like for you? What does/did it get you?
• Do you take time for journaling, reflecting or contemplation on a regular basis? Do you ever practice presence or mindfulness?
• What’s it like for you to sit in stillness or silence?
• How do you access your inner guidance or wisdom? Do you believe you have the capacity for inner guidance or wisdom? Do you trust your gut? When do you…when don’t you?

—————————————————–

(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering.

All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Happiness and Money

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Tough times
These are tough times. Millions of folks are experiencing pain and suffering – lost jobs, reduced wages, continuing foreclosures, bankruptcies, lack of proper health care, increasing stock market volatility and on and on. According to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the most basic need is that of survival. These folks are experiencing that desperate state – simply looking to survive.

Unhappiness and income
Curiously, there’s another group among us which is surviving, has covered their basic needs, but who experience a similar state of desperation – namely, unhappiness. This group is those who feel that more money is the one element that will bring them happiness.

Recently, researchers from the University of Warwick in the UK found that for many of this latter group, some form of inner work – therapy or counseling – is far more effective (32 times more effective!) in reducing unhappiness and distress than an increase in income.

In other words, it seems that that once our “basic needs” (a la Maslow) have been met, income increases don’t do a whole lot to increase our sense of happiness and well-being.

In their study, the researchers found a four-month experience of therapy or counseling produced a greater impact on individual’s sense of well-being than an increase in income such as a pay rise or even winning the lottery. Even the monies won for “pain and suffering” in lawsuits do not repair emotional or psychological harm.

Health vs. health
What I find interesting when I read about the state of our country’s health is that many base their assessment of “health” on the basis of the GDP and similar economic and financial statistics. Me? I choose to look at the country’s mental health statistics – indicators like rates of obesity, cancer, heart disease, depression, suicides, abuse or addiction.

Why? Because the results of the Warwick research also point to a steady decline in mental health and happiness in developed countries over the past fifty years. Individual and collective economic growth has not increased national happiness.

How much is enough?
On a personal level, Daniel Gilbert, author of the recent book Stumbling on Happiness, suggests that “by and large, money buys happiness only for those who lack the basic needs (Maslow). Once you pass an income of $50,000, more money doesn’t buy much more happiness. Our culture implores us to buy bigger, newer, better things, but research shows “stuff” does not buy happiness.”

In the end, there’s a vast segment of our population that spends their lives doing things that they hate to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need to impress folks they don’t like all in the attempt to experience happiness. Is that you?

If it is, ask the ultimate trite but important question, “How’s that working for you vis-a-vis experiencing true and real happiness?”

“If all the gold in the world were melted down into a solid cube, it would be about the size of an eight room house. If a man got possession of all that gold — billions of dollars worth — he could not buy a friend, character, peace of mind, clear conscience or a sense of eternity.” – Charles F. Bunning

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What do I want money to do for me? How so?
• What is happiness to me?
• What things, qualities, service, and purpose do I value in life?
• What is the role of money in my search for meaning? Does it even have a role?
• How do I you relate to money?
• Does money scare me?
• How does money rule my life?
• Is money my servant or your master?
• What was my and my family’s experience around money like when I was growing up?

———————————————————-

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”   I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Anger, Power and Soul

Speaker page,   Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Anger, power and soul
View in your browser.

Power is part of our DNA, who we are. Power (and passion) are woven into our life’s purpose – why we’re on the planet. Absent power, life is a humdrum experience – lacking meaning or real engagement. When we lack or lose our sense of power, we feel less than, deficient, lacking and invisible. What results is anger. Sometimes our anger is overt – violence, abuse or aggression – or silent – sadness or depression.

Macro and micro
On a macro level, we only need watch or read the daily news to witness the degree of violence that threads throughout much of the world. So many folks feeling victimized, helpless, lost, resentful and powerless.

On a micro level, what about you? First and foremost, anger is a reactivity to loss of love. Secondarily, anger arises when we feel we are powerless – feeling we’re not able to control others either verbally, emotionally or psychologically. What we need to understand here is that now we’re not talking about “power,” but “force.” What’s the difference?

Power vs. force
Force is a “faux” power we resort to when we feel deficient and want to feel powerful, in control. Force is actually a “weakness” that leaks out as aggression and dominance.

True and real power – a soul quality, actually – is the energy that accompanies self-confidence, self-worth, self-awareness, authenticity, equanimity and gentleness. Power is supportive, not defensive. Power comes from an inner “knowing,” an inner drive and inner authority. Power is our soul’s “right action.”

Anger
Powerlessness and resulting anger come not from the heart, but from a fear-based mental and emotional sense of not being in control, or feeling victimized or trapped by one’s life or environment – at work, at home, at play or in relationship. Anger is a reactivity to one’s circumstances or to the lack of opportunity.

Anger also arises when one feels unable to express one’s self – either lacking the ability to communicate, or feeling unheard, misunderstood or unseen. Frustration and self-esteem issues arise when one feels unheard or unseen.

Finally, anger arises when one feels they lack a capacity to “do” or “be.” Physical or mental disability, illness, or career or financial hardship can often trigger anger. When one feels “limited,” anger and frustration often result. Anger arises, too, when one cannot fulfill their dreams or visions.

The antidote to anger
So, what is the antidote to anger?

First, on a practical level, it’s helpful to explore the reverse side of frustration. What do I need to do, be and have to reduce or eliminate my frustration? What knowledge, skills or abilities do I lack? What would empower me to feel capable and powerful? Are there new or different directions or interests I might pursue that would give me a sense of purpose and power?  Can I challenge myself to explore the “unknown” and forward the action of my life into new areas, across my current life boundaries? Powerlessness is a “message” that suggests we need to look beyond our eyes.

Second, on a spiritual level, powerlessness is an opportunity to “go inside,” to explore within to touch the true source of Power, where true and real “empowerment” resides.  Often, the “inner” will point us to the “outer” – that true and real power is about serving the needs of others. Lest you think that “power” is “volunteering,” it might be. But true and real power and the sense of authenticity, self-confidence, aliveness, fulfillment, and meaning accompanying it come from a conscious choice to serve, support and be self-less to others – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Power and soul
True personal power arises from a personality-soul connection. True personal power is the result of passion and purpose that is heart-driven, not ego-mind driven. Personal power results from empowering others, not your self. As Deepak Chopra says, “Seventy-five percent of what a person does, they do for their self, and there isn’t one.” If we understand that, we can discern the difference between the love and gentleness of power and the ugliness and harshness of force.

So, power begins with me, my True and Authentic Self – identifying and making healthy choices to change and grow in my life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – and allow the ripples from my growth to move out and affect others.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Where are you on the power-force continuum? Different points at different times, perhaps? How so?
• Would your colleagues and friends say you are ever forceful or aggressive?
• Are you a “control-freak?” Do you move to anger quickly when you feel you’re not in control?
• Do you ever reflect on your forceful or aggressive thoughts, words or actions? If so, what do you see about yourself? Any patterns?
• Are there folks in your life you can empower? How can you do that?
• Do you feel stuck, powerless or frustrated? What talents, skills or abilities might enable you to forward the action of your life?
• Think of a person or persons you can empower and decide how you will do that.
• Can you take some time to reflect or meditate on your life purpose or how you can contribute to life? This is where you discover your power.
• What was being around anger and force like for you and your family as you were growing up?

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Author, heal thyself.

stone sculptor

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Other people’s behavior – be it that of a mainstream personality, an actor, politician, sports star or corporate executive, or that of someone in our personal circle – is always crossing our radar.

When this happens, many of us are quick to respond with a judgment – a knee-jerk reaction that reflects our need to tell that person that not only are they bad or wrong, but also how they should or shouldn’t be behaving. Not only do we critique their values, beliefs, choices and behaviors, but we try to create for them the type of life they should be leading, according to “me”.

Most of us who try to author someone else’s life in this way find it almost impossible to observe others without reacting with observations that are replete with judgments, criticisms, evaluations or other forms of analysis. What’s more, once we have finished judging, we try to take the role of advisor, educator, parent, interferer, explainer, hypothesizer, or fixer.

Author, heal thyself
So, what is it about people who seem to need to run other peoples’ lives – either in the here and now or from a distance? What is it about people who seem to want to “help” others but can’t seem to get a handle on their own life or issues? What is it about people who aren’t happy unless they’re authoring someone else’s life?

In a word – control. Most of these folks are to some degree out of control in their own lives and so they gain a false sense of grounding and control by attempting to run others’ lives. Meddling is their fix.

Lacking close scrutiny
On 30th Street in Boulder, CO, you’ll find a sculpture of a man chiseling, himself out of a block of stone. He has already carved his head, torso, arms, and thighs. Holding a hammer in his raised right hand, he’s ready to strike a chisel he grasps in his left hand. He is forming his right knee.

Most authors of others’ lives have yet to chisel their own sculpture. Feeling unsafe, insecure, fearful, overwhelmed, lost or confused, their block of granite is incomplete. And to feel some sense of value and worth, they choose to chisel another’s sculpture.

Authoring someone else’s sculpture brings a fake and phony sense of individuality, self-actualization and self-determination. The opposite is the truth. Authors of others’ lives are seldom self-made individuals. They lack self-direction and autonomy, rarely assume self-responsibility for their actions and are poor at self-management.

These authors are often withering on the vine of life, rather than growing and moving forward. Rather than being continuous learners or continual creators of their own life, they take a false sense of pleasure in attempting to tell others how to live. They never take an honest self-inventory. They prefer to judge, evaluate and tell others how to deal with the struggles of life than to know themselves.

Self-authorship
For those who are steeped in authoring others’ lives, perhaps this might be a good time to step back, leave those others alone and focus on your own self-authorship – to chisel your own sculpture.

While chiseling, consider what conscious choices you can make to enhance your personal, professional, relational, and spiritual life. Will your sculpture reflect an honest, sincere and self-responsible effort to take care of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health? Will it address your financial and career health, your living environment, your relationship with your partner, friends and family, colleagues and co-workers?

Will your sculpture reflect your core values, integrity, trustworthiness and authenticity? When people come by to view your sculpture, what is the legacy they’ll see? Will it reflect a finely thought-out, creative, resonating figure, or will it be whole, flat, and untouched because you were too busy obsessed with telling other folks how to chisel their granite blocks?

Finally, remember that everyone is in chapter three of their life. Try as hard as you might, you’ll never, ever know what transpired in another’s chapter one or two – ever. So attempting to author their life without a grasp of those first two chapters, will never work – for you or for them – hard as you try.

That’s a good reason to close the book on other peoples’ lives and author the book of your own.

Some questions for self-reflection

• Do you tend to “author” others’ lives? Are you continually judging others?
• Do you feel a need to meddle in others’ lives? If so, where does that get you?
• Is self-reflection a challenge for you? If so, why?
• Would you prefer to evaluate other’s lives rather than your own? If so, why?
• What one step can you take this week to chisel one small piece of your block?
• Are you a continuous learner, a “work in progress?”
• Has your chisel dulled? What can you do to re-sharpen it? Do you have the strength to lift your hammer?
• Have you stopped chiseling?
• The ultimate purpose question: Why do you think you’re on the planet?———————————————–

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering