Workplace dysfunction – it’s mommy’s fault.

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It’s a fact of psychological life that much of our behavior is based on how we were raised. So like it or not, we all bring parts of our biology and biography with us when we go to work – and that includes elements of our family relationships.

Many of our co-workers remind us of members of our families. And, thus, we relate to them based on this often unconscious dynamic. How so?

As young children we learned to behave in ways that either brought us mommy’s, daddy’s and others’ love, approval, and acceptance and/or kept us safe from harm, trauma or abuse.

Yet all children at some time or other feel hurt or traumatized by parents or primary caregivers who are doing their best, but who – however unintentionally – negatively affect the child in some way through their language, judgments, criticisms or emotional or physical reactivity.

Good enough
For many children, their home environment was wrapped in a mantra of their “never being good enough.” This dynamic holds true even in households where everything was just beautiful and loving and “no one ever raised their voice.” In childhood, wounding on some level is a fact of life – part of the human condition.

As a result, the child grows up carrying an emotional make-up that translates into feelings that they are somehow lacking, deficient, unworthy, value-less or not good enough. As the child grows into adolescence, they come to believe they need to think and behave in certain ways to protect their self from another’s real or perceived disapproval and criticism or from verbal or physical harm.

My family at work
Fast-forward to adult life at work and it’s hardly surprising that folks unwittingly re-create this family dynamic. We often see adults acting out their 4, 5 or 6 year-old emotional selves, albeit in adult clothes and in adult bodies (especially those who insist, “Hey, I am adult; I am mature, I am! I am! I am! I’m not being emotional!”).

These adults often see bosses and managers as mommies and daddies and their co-workers as their siblings

It’s not uncommon to witness workplace arguments, disagreements and conflicts, for example that mimic family arguments, disagreements and conflicts. It’s not uncommon to witness workplace dysfunctional relationships, in-fighting and back-stabbing behavior that mimic sibling rivalries.

So when they encounter co-workers or circumstances at work that threaten their sense of emotional safety, or being seen and recognized or having control, they begin to feel unaccepted or undeserving of approval and love and their knee-jerk (unconscious, programmed) reactivity is to do whatever it takes to regain this acceptance.

The fear underneath
Consciously or unconsciously, their fear of rejection and disapproval can lead individuals to resort to lying just as children lie to avoid being punished or losing the love and acceptance they truly want and seek.

Often, when folks do personal growth and self-awareness work, they discover the ways they have worn masks and put on false personalities to cover up their feelings of inadequacy. They discover the “shadow side” of their personalities that serves as the oft-hidden driver of their negative reactivity and need to lie. They discover the self-sabotaging beliefs and self-images they created about themselves, about authority figures and siblings (now subordinates) as children and carried into adulthood.

Acting out
Once folks see and understand this truth about why they are “acting out” and being defensive as adults, they begin to shed their self-limiting beliefs, their masks and their need to lie, to be fake and phony. They begin to see the false self-images and allow themselves to “show up” as authentic, as their true and real self and feel free to “tell the truth” first, to themselves and then, to others.

From this place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturity, a place where the “truth sets one free”, folks move to a place of being real, a place they experience as refreshing and light, where honesty, trust, openness and vulnerability are the foundational building blocks of their relationships.

In this place, people see no need for duplicity, disingenuineness, being fake and afraid. And, amazingly and refreshingly, they discover “telling the truth is not as bad as I thought.”

As the expression goes, “The truth shall set you free.” The deeper question is why so many at work refuse to allow themselves to believe that – truthfully.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When you experience conflicts at work, do they feel as though they are more professional or personal? How so?
• Do personality conflicts remind you of earlier life conflicts with parents or siblings?
• Do you ever experience hurt, resentment anger or fear at work? Is it “professional” or “personal”? Are you really, really sure?
• Do personal issues interfere with your ability to work effectively with others? Are these “their” issues or “your” issues? Are you really, really sure?
• Do you have a tendency to take things personally at work? What would your friends and colleagues say?
• What gets in the way of your, or others’, capacity to resolve conflicts in your workplace relationships?
• You know you have “bad days.” Do you allow others to have “bad days” as well? Can you spot ways you bring your “biology” or “biography” (i.e., your “family) to work?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Truenorthpartnering

Labor Day: Passion and Purpose at Work

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There’s much discussion these days about passion and purpose in the workplace. A Google search on “passion at work” results in 353,000,000 and “purpose at work, ” 944,000,000 – although it’s clear from these that many of us confuse the two. So, what is the difference between passion and purpose – and how do the two connect?

Purpose defines why one is on the planet. Some refer to purpose as a calling. Others, as one’s “life work.”

Passion is energy – emotional, physical, mental, psychic, often spiritual – that drives supports us to focus our efforts. Sometimes this energy is purposeful, sometimes not. It can help us positively during the day, pushing us to look for ways to continually improve what we do and how we do it. But it can also be limiting and destructive – both to ourselves and to others.

For example, some passionate folks dress up and go to sporting events to engage in harassment, uncivil and disrespectful behavior – all in the name of being passionate about their team.

Colleagues at work can unfairly judge others, be bullying, engage in gossip, be rude, demeaning and disrespectful about their co-workers’ lack of skills and talents – all because they’re so passionate about what they do (as in, “So why do you have to be so stupid!”)

And just as some folks feel their passion allows them to be disrespectful, others channel it towards self-destruction, coming home at night and binging on alcohol, food or drugs.

So passion is energy. The important question is, toward what end is this passion directed?

Is your passion positive? Is it supportive of yourself and of others? Or is it negative, self-destructive and harmful? Just because you’re passionate doesn’t automatically make you humble, emotionally intelligent, good at relationships, honest, skilled or talented. Passion is just energy.

But purpose completes the passion equation. It’s the magic ingredient that gives passion a raison d’etre.
Without purpose as an anchor, passion has no inner or outer guidance system. Without a purpose, life will often will disoriented, out-of-sync and unhappy.

In my years working as a coach, I’ve always been curious about folks who run into a mid-life crisis at 30 after spending enormous amounts of time, effort, energy and funds studying something like law, medicine, IT, finance or management. It amazes me how quickly they have ended up literally hating what they’re doing.

In some of these cases, they choose to enter a particular profession or career area because they were directed that way by career coaches, consultants or family members who suggested that their talents or interests lay in that direction, skill or talent.

But what these career folks, parents, relatives, even good friends almost never measure is heart. Heart is the focal point of purpose. Not the mind. Not logic. Not what’s sexy. Not what “The Futurist” says one should do and especially, not “Hey you’re really good at (blank) that so why don’t you pursue (blank)”?

Some never get it. Purpose is not a career or even a talent. But purpose can be manifested in a particular career or by making use of a particular talent or area of expertise. The difference is the energy (passion) that an individual brings to that endeavor and whether their actions and work are “purposeful.”

So two lawyers, two IT professionals, two managers or two bloggers can both do the same thing, but their energy, their engagement, their true love (not ego) of the work, their steadfastness and sense of well-being depends on whether or not they’re on purpose when they’re working.

Only the purposeful are engaged in their work. One has their heart in it; the other muddles through with an ugh at every turn.

Purpose is the anchor, the beacon, the direction, the career compass that guides us to make decisions that keep our lives moving forward. Without such a guide, many people hit a dead end at 30 (then 40, then 50), constantly wondering “is this all there is?” Or worse, “I have all this talent, and I don’t understand why I’m not happy.”

The heart is what drives purpose, not the mind or the ego. When someone has their heart in their work, meaning abounds; they are – and feel – purposeful in their work as well as in the rest of their life.

But when everything is ego-driven, meaning is most often trumped by unhappiness, agitation and constant negative judgments and invidious comparisons with others while always feeling to some degree, lacking, deficient, and disconnected.

And from what do such folks feel disconnected? Their heart, their purpose, their true and real self, their essence. The ego mind, logic, assessments, “thinking” and “figuring it out” are not the path to purpose.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you characterize your relationship to work?
• How did you arrive at doing the work you are doing?
• Do you feel purposeful in your work? Do you feel “coerced” to work or “called” to work
• Do you feel passionate about your work? What motivates you to go to work?
• Do you feel completely engaged at work?
• Why are you on the planet? What is your purpose in life?
• What is the legacy you’d like to leave behind?
• What will others say about you when you’re gone…about you as a professional, a spouse, a partner, a parent, a friend…?
• What are three things you’re passionate about? How you do express this passion?
• Are you following your life’s purpose? How do you know?
• If you really, really dislike your work, what story do you tell yourself to justify your doing it?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering