When the Waters Were Changed

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When the Waters Were Changed (one of my favorite Rumi stories)

Once upon a time Khidr, the teacher of Moses, called upon mankind with a warning. At a certain date, he said, all the water in the world which had not been specially hoarded, would disappear. It would then be renewed, with different water, which would drive men (generic) mad.

Only one man listened to the meaning of this advice. He collected water and went to a secure place where he stored it, and waited for the water to change its character.

On the appointed date the streams stopped running, the wells went dry, and the man who had listened, seeing this happening, went to his retreat and drank his preserved water.

When he saw, from his security, the waterfalls again beginning to flow, this man descended among the other sons of men. He found that they were thinking and talking in an entirely different way from before; yet they had no memory of what had happened, nor of having been warned. When he tried to talk to them, he realized that they thought that he was mad, and they showed hostility or compassion, not understanding.

At first, he drank none of the new water, but went back to his concealment, to draw on his supplies, every day. Finally, however, he took the decision to drink the new water because he could not bear the loneliness of living, behaving and thinking in a different way from everyone else. He drank the new water, and became like the rest. Then he forgot all about his own store of special water, and his fellows began to look upon him as a madman who had miraculously been restored to sanity.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When you were young, an adolescent, a teenager, or a young, middle-age or mature adult, has anyone ever said your thoughts, beliefs or ideas were “crazy” or “insane?” Have you ever said as much about another’s thoughts, beliefs or ideas?
• Do you ever sacrifice or deny your True and Authentic Self, your values or your principles in order to “fit in,” or to be liked, acknowledged or loved by someone else? Do you ever go along to get along? Do you ever engage in collusion? If so, why?
• Have you experienced “changed waters” in your life at work, at home, at play or in your relationship? What was that like for you?
• Do you find it hard to see your own deficiencies while finding it easy to point out those of others?
• What’s it like living among the “crazy” or “insane” without becoming “crazy” or “insane” yourself?
• How do you deal with peer pressure? With change?
• Do you ever question consensus reality?
• Do you generally go about your days drinking your own water? What’s that like?
• Do you learn from past experiences? How so?
• How do you avoid real or potential upset in your life?
• Do you ever cut yourself off from others? How so? What does that get you?
• How do you deal with risk?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Where do you swim?

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“This isn’t Omaha, Nebraska. This the big pond where the big fish play for big bucks. There’s sharks in these waters and you can get cut in half real quick. So before you dive in, give it a lot of thought”. – Charlie’s Angels (The movie)

Many of us spend enormous amounts of time, energy and effort trying to convince ourselves and others we are big fish in small ponds or even bigger fish in larger ponds. The reality? Most of us are little fish in little ponds. How so?

Our pond’s zip code
Most of us navigate our lives swimming around in little ponds – defined by our immediate circumstances and our immediate identity. Many of us have little to no idea what it’s like to see beyond our rational mind, our immediate thoughts, or our long-held beliefs. Most often, we are unable to even consider the possibility of there being another “reality” or “pond” out there.

The reason we never venture out to see if there is a larger pond is because (1) We feel content, secure and in control in our little pond (i.e., at least we think we are), (2) We’re afraid to look beyond the edges of our little pond; we swim around preoccupied and obsessed trying to make our “pond” work for us – being intimidated by the unknown “ponds” out there, or (3) we have no interest in exploring other ponds.

Most folks fall into reason number two, living in fear of the unknown and the related feelings of aloneness, abandonment and separation from what gives them a (false) sense of security. This false security is accompanied by a lack of trust and faith in even considering swimming in another pond.

So, in our small pond, we struggle to create a life of security, order, control and perfection. We swim to exhaustion while experiencing greater and greater stress, anxiety, and insecurity, trying to maintain greater and greater control.

A different pond
“ Something in a koi pond. They’re very zen.” – The Trial

What would it be like to venture into a different pond? To venture into a reality where we would give up the need to control, to give up the safe boundaries of our familiar pond, to surrender, to trust, to experience a new pond in a new way – i.e., accept new ways of do-ing and being, maybe even new ways of swimming without any preconceived notions of “pond-ness” – just jumping in and swimming?

What would happen if we were to leave behind our life preservers – our ego, beliefs, preconceptions, “stories”  and judgments and swim with faith, trust and surrender? What would it take to enter into a “new pond experience” at work, at home, at play or in our relationship? What would it be like to move into a new pond with an open mind and an open heart, without needing to control? What would it be like to swim in this new pond trusting that we won’t drown or lose our way?

Our mind can’t take us there
The deal is we can’t think our way into this new pond. We have to take a deep breath, let go and dive in without a life jacket, without resistance – i.e. without our familiar and habitual ways of thinking, acting, judging, doubting, or medicating ourselves in order to feel safe and secure.

In our familiar pond, we generally spend our swimming time in a normal thinking-judging-reacting mode or day-dreaming while in the throes of daily routines and habitual activities. In our new pond, we will need to be alert, aware and neutral.

Swimming with this new awareness, we are present in the immediate moment, not judging, not thinking and not reacting – just present and aware. Awareness fosters inner peace, well being, alertness and clarity. We are swimming without thinking, without our customary beliefs and thoughts.

In our new pond, we swim into familiar and new experiences with a sense of openness, kindness, service, compassion and curiosity. In this new pond, we are transformed; we seem to swim free of anxiety, depression, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, loneliness or deep sadness and longing.

In our new pond, we swim with strength, courage, power, contentment, joy and possibility. As the shark needs to continue swimming in order to breathe and access oxygen, in our new pond and everyday activities, we must choose to remain present, authentic, and access our heart and soul – providing the “spiritual oxygen” that keeps us optimally alive, conscious, and alert.

Are you ready to dive in?
“Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Would you be willing to experience this new pond in order to experience well being, possibility, and a sense of groundedness?

If so, the first step is to explore your little fish in your little pond, taking stock of your habits, “stories,” beliefs, addictions (chemical and non-chemical), and self-limiting and sabotaging thoughts that keep your little fish depressed, suppressed and repressed. What is your little fish attached to, obsessive about, and driven by? What drives your little fish to want power, control, recognition and security?

Once you uncover what drives your little fish, and choose to let go of your ego needs to control and possess, your little fish begins to transform and morph into a trusting, surrendering allowing fish that is ready to swim in another pond.

Swimming, now powered by our heart and soul, we begin to build trust and faith that in every moment, we are guided to move in the right direction. We are more able to swim with other fish from a place, not of competition, envy or resentment, but a place of service, with an attitude of kindness and respect. We experience greater moments of synchronicity and connection with others. In this new pond, our sense of identity comes from a deeper place, not the place of our limited mind and ego.

Swimming with your eyes open
In this new pond, we must swim with consciousness, always being alert and awake. Swimming instruction gives us tools and techniques to support our new way of swimming, such as:

We need to continually be aware of our breath.
We need to allow our vulnerability.
We need to stay away from self-destructive beliefs, illusions and fantasies.
We need to pay attention to what we sense, feel and experience in our bodies.
We need to trust, surrender and let go of our dogmatic thoughts and beliefs.
We need to express gratitude consistently.
We need to trust our heart and soul to direct us to right knowing, right understanding and right
action.
We need to be open to change, synchronicity and intuition.
We need to look for balance in our sense of our self, our finances, relationships, and daily
activities.
We need to reconsider (re) prioritizing our goals so they truly support our inner sense of balance, harmony and well-being (not our ego).

The new pond with clear water
“Hiccup Hole isn’t just a pond. It’s a symbol… of freedom… and justice… and home, and country, and, and, and… apple pie!” –101 Dalmatians

Moving to a new pond and keeping our water clean, clear and life-sustaining, means allowing our “neutral mind” and knowing when our neutral mind is being muddied by our “rational and logical” mind. Our neutral mind is awake, alert, clear, and conscious. Our “rational and logical” mind is tangled up with worry, goals, judgments, invidious comparisons, and constant chatter and “busy-ness.”

The new pond of clear water at work, at home, at play and in relationship is still, quiet, peaceful and relaxed – in mind, in body and in breath. Here, we are awake and vigilant as we swim. We are open to new experiences, higher awareness, and the support of our heart and soul. We are mentally and emotionally at peace.

In this new place, there is no bigger pond, no better pond – just one pond. In this new place, we swim in the stillness of the moment, with our breath – free from the hustle and bustle of activities and the nagging of our rational mind. In this new place we transcend time and space while being present in time and space.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you consider yourself a big fish in a small pond? How is it to constantly maintain that image?
• Do you always compete with the other fish in your pond? How so?
• Are you peaceful and content in your pond or are you always searching for a bigger pond?
• Is the water in your pond clear, healthy, and sustainable? If not, why not?
• Do you need “chemicals” to keep your pond healthy?
• How would you describe life in your pond? Balanced, peaceful and harmonious or stressful, rough and stormy?
• Are your eyes clear as you swim?
• What kind of fish are you?
• Are you constantly searching for bait or being baited? What’s that like?
• Is your pond inundated with pond scum? Who or what accounts for this? How can you clean your pond to make it sustainable and life affirming?

“The roots of a lotus are in the mud; the stem grows up through the water, and the flower lies above the water, basking in the sunlight. This pattern of growth signifies the progress of the soul from the primeval mud of materialism, through the waters of experience, and into the bright sunshine of enlightenment.”  Buddhist Philosophy

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Commitment and Harmony

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What is a commitment?
A commitment is an agreement that is (1) a fact demonstrated by observable and measurable behavior and (2) an attitude that reflects a consistency and alignment in thought and belief.

For example, a committed relationship is one in which your behavior demonstrates commitment in an operational and observable way, one in which your thoughts and beliefs about the relationship are consistent, and in alignment with, the notion of commitment.

So, if you say you’re in a committed relationship but never have time for your partner, that is not commitment.

If you spend 95% of your time with your partner but are consistently wishing or wanting to be elsewhere, not sure if the relationship is the right one, or fantasizing being with another person or persons, that is not commitment.

What is harmony?
Harmony is a state in which there’s congruence between what you say, feel, think and do. When one or more of these four elements is not in alignment with the others, you won’t experience harmony. Instead, you’ll experience a feeling of imbalance that results in little real happiness, meaning or purposefulness.

In a state of imbalance, you move drone-like though life – at work, at home, at play and in relationships.

When we’re committed, we show we care deeply and are engaged – yes, even at work.

Elements of commitment
For commitment to be conscious and healthy, four elements are necessary:

• Be clear about who you are, what you want in life and know how to get what you want
• Have a clear set of well-defined goals and purpose for your life that are in alignment with who you are, and your core values
• Engage in conscious preparation for the commitment by building the physical, mental, emotional, social, psychological and communication skills that will support your choice to commit
• Committing – making the conscious choice to commit, engage and participate. The path to happiness is paved with commitment. No commitment, no happiness. Perhaps a faux happiness, the appearance of happiness, but not the real, authentic thing. Instead, you’re always looking for more and for “the next best thing,” or person.

Living someone else’s beliefs
They have probably never sat down and reflected on their deeper life requirements or the core values underneath these requirements. More likely, what they have done (beginning in childhood) is come up with a list of work-life-play requirements based on someone else’s beliefs of what’s right, necessary or important. As a result, they have become indoctrinated with other peoples’ beliefs about what’s important. Consider those who consistently say they’re unhappy – at work, at home, or in their relationships. What’s most often lacking is commitment.

At the same time, they have never taken the time and energy to consciously explore inside and ask themselves what they really, really want. Rather, they blindly followed someone else’s vision or goal. It’s no wonder they cannot experience commitment.

Why mid-life crises now begin at 30
Many of those who have never really explored commitment in a meaningful way share some distinctive characteristics. They lack of clarity about their life purpose, their core values or the place of spirituality in their life. They have a consistent tendency to look outside themselves for life’s “answers.” They have a limited ability for self-reflection. They lack clarity about who they are. They go through life experiencing a low-grade-fever type of state where they experience frustration, agitation, unhappiness and discontent on a regular basis.

The antidote
The first step to exploring commitment is to look at the discrepancy that exists between commitment in fact and commitment in attitude to see what’s causing the discrepancy. (HINT: the cause is never “out there.”) This inquiry begins with personal responsibility, by asking things like:

“What’s going on with me that accounts for my lack of engagement or commitment (either in fact and/or in attitude)?”
“Why don’t I have what I want?”
“Why does having what I think I want always lead me to feeling unhappy, empty, lonely and unfulfilled?”
“Why do I always feel I’m on the outside looking in?”
“Why am I always asking others what they think, feel or believe?”
“Why do I seem to sabotage myself so much?”
“Why am I so jealous and envious of others?”

Additional questions for self-reflection:

How committed are you with your activities during your day – at work, at home and in relationships?
How do you manifest commitment, dedication and passion?
With respect to your career, your relationships, your health and your happiness, how committed are you and how indifferent are you? How might others feel about your levels of commitment?
Do you ever emotionally, verbally or physically bully or manipulate others because you are committed against something?
Do you find yourself denying and procrastinating because you’re not 100% committed to someone or something?
Do you ever doubt the value of your commitments? If so, when? How so?
Are you afraid to let go of that to which you are not committed? Why do you hang on?
When was the last time you took time to seriously reflect on who you are, what you want in life or why you may be feeling uncommitted to someone or something?
How do you know your values are your values and not someone else’s?
Do you ever “go along to get along” when you know that it’s bad for you? Why?
Do your values and beliefs ever contradict one another?
Do you feel your life reflects “harmony”?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering