Tragedy, Upset and Compassion

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The response of Parisians to the devastating attacks on their city has been to keep on enjoying life. The message that went out on Twitter was: “let’s make noise and light, to make them understand that they have lost”. That’s a powerful reminder of the challenges of dealing with the upsets and tragedies of life’s vicissitudes, both large and small.

How do you deal with those at work, at home, and in everyday life who you feel “wrong(ed)” you, treated you unfairly, or damaged your spirit? Do you seek revenge? Do you lash out? Are you an “eye for an eye” type, looking to gain your “pound of flesh?” Or are you forgiving, compassionate and understanding?

We know that pain and suffering can remain in their hearts. But, do we need to balance hurt with hate, with revenge, with “getting even? We ask “how could such folks forgive a terrible, unprovoked act of violence against the innocent?”

The role of compassion
In the Amish culture, it is taught that culture teaches forgiveness and placing the needs of others before themselves and that there is good in any situation. Vengeance and revenge is not a daily theme or way to deal with life.

They know that hatred is nothing more or less than a poison or a cancer that eats one alive. Forgiveness is what allows one to cope and move forward. Letting go of grudges is what allows them to focus on the work of their own healing.

Buddhists speak often of compassion. Not a compassion that is airy-fairy, soft, syrupy, but a compassion that allows one to bear the pain of another: to let go of the “me vs. you” struggle we so often allow to justify our need for getting even or to exact our pound of flesh, and to legitimize revenge.

The Dalai Lama wrote: “According to Buddhism, compassion is an aspiration. It’s a state of mind, wanting others to be free from suffering. It’s not passive, but rather an empathetic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering. Genuine compassion must have both wisdom and loving kindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (wisdom), and one must experience a deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (loving kindness).”

The Buddhist Monk, Pema Chodrin, says: “In order for us to have compassion for another, we have to have compassion for ourselves.” The way we have compassion for ourselves is not to avoid suffering and seek pleasure, but to directly connect to our own pain and suffering, not avoid it, not deny it, not cover it up, not medicate it, not to blame others for it; and then embrace the suffering of others.

“When we get in touch with our own pain and suffering and work with it, embrace it, learn from it and heal from it, we can then love ourselves, truly love ourselves, and in the process love others.

“In working with our pain and suffering we gain a larger and wider perspective on life, we become self-less, and open the door to understanding ourselves and others from a more spiritual, interconnected perspective. We have a larger view of reality, a view that is not emotional, reactive, muddied, or defensive, but a view that sees the oneness of all human beings regardless of their faults and foibles, regardless of the harshness of the words or actions.”

Getting to this place of compassion and forgiveness is one of the reasons we’re on the planet – to transmute our hate into love. Simple, but not always easy.

Some questions for self-reflection:
Do you allow the actions of others to make you angry, resentful, or hateful. How so?
What are your greatest fears and why?
Do you blame others for your state in life?
Do you have a need not only to get mad when you feel wronged, but get even? Why?
Do you hold any grudges?
Do you have a list of folks who have wronged you in life?
Do you live by an “eye for an eye” mantra?
If you “forgive, but do not forget” you’re really not forgiving. How do you feel about that approach to forgiveness? What emotions come up for you? Why?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Life and Problems – They’re One and the Same

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“No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.” – Helen Keller

The reality of life is that life comes with problems and challenges.

Secret Sauce of Dealing with Problems
The secret sauce of living with life’s problems and challenges is changing our orientation, our perspective. Rather than efforting to avoid problems, or be in denial about life’s challenges, we can shed the “victim consciousness” and choose to see what messages or learnings about life’s problems are offering us. A change in perspective often leads to the discovery of an inner strength, courage and will – an inner power – that supports us to persevere and meet life’s challenges.

Problems and consciousness
Each and every problem or challenge leads to an expansion of our consciousness – if we choose. We can choose to allow problems to stretch us – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually – to break through the familiar and “safe” boundaries of our limitations. If we allow, problems serve to make the unconscious, conscious and in the process support us to reveal and heal past hurts and wounding. Renewed faith and trust are by-products of consciously dealing with problems.

When we’re “problem-oriented,” it’s usually impossible to be “solution-focused.” When we’re locked into a “woe is me” world-view, our hands are tied, so to speak, to search for a way through. And, that’s a choice – to be problem-focused or solution-focused.

Blame game
If you’re one who’s caught up in the blame-game, always pointing to something or someone “out there” for your problems, now is the time to understand that the source of every problem is inside us. Every problem is a mirror reflecting back to us our own personal, internal issues we have not owned. The truth is when we consciously own and address our issues, problems release their charge, their pull, and their tendency to “trigger” us and no longer cause us upset or trouble.

So, there it is. The “problem” buck stops with us. When we own our “stuff” and take self-responsibility for how we live our lives, we reduce and eliminate much of the pain and suffering we experience from our “problems.”

Many folks are waiting for their “real” lives to begin in some way – once all the obstacles are out of the way.

The conscious, self-responsible, person sees see that such obstacles are, in fact, their life.

Raised self-awareness
So, it’s good to remember that all problems are the Universe’s way to help us move to a higher level of self awareness. Rather that shun problems, a healthy practice can be to explore how your problems can contribute towards your growth and development. Once you’re on the “other side” of a problem, you’ll have a deeper understanding and clarity as to why that circumstance, that opportunity, i.e., that problem, was in your life. Why it happened “for” you, not “to” you.

Adversity can be a welcome guide and teacher. Life is all about “lessons learned.”

No problems = no learning. And we came into this life to learn. All of us.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you generally “problem-oriented” or “solution-oriented?” What would your partner, spouse, friends or colleagues say?
• What major problems/challenges are on your plate these days? Are you approaching them self-responsibly? How so?
• Do you consistently think or feel “the grass is always greener on the other side?” How so?
• The way to see problems IS the problem. Do you agree?
• How do you create problems for yourself?
• Are you a blamer? Do you often feel like a victim?
• Do you think hating problems will make them go away? Does it work? Do they then go away?
• Have you ever found that what you thought was a problem, wasn’t? What was that like?
• How did you come to see problems as problems?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Holidays – Ho! Ho! Ho! Or Ho Hum?

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The holiday season is often most difficult to navigate – mentally, physically, and emotionally. The glitter and shine of red and green often turns to blue. For many it is a season of darkness, not light, facing the challenges of sadness, stress, loneliness, and unfulfilled longings – a time to “get through.”

Successfully meeting these challenges can be likened to the way white-water rafters approach their task. Beginners watch for the craggy rocks, the problems to avoid, the risks to circumvent, usually ending their runs feeling emotionally and physically drained. Experts use specific tools and techniques to support them to focus on the “flow line” where the currents safely guide them through the roughest areas with a minimum of mental and emotional stress, ending their runs on a high, with energy to spare.

So, calling upon twenty-five years of coaching and counseling friends, colleagues, and clients through the “white waters” of holiday seasons, I’d like to share some perspectives and strategies to support you to create a nurturing holiday experience resulting in peace in body, mind, and spirit.

Body:

Fall and winter are Nature’s time for hibernation – being quiet and lying dormant. The tendency to live frenetically, shopping, partying, and going at ninety miles an hour, is “unnatural.”  The physical stress alone can affect your immune system, resulting in energy depletion, lethargy, and illness. It’s important to take time to relax and reduce stress, to maintain consistent harmony and balance.  Some suggestions:

Your body monitors how you’re doing. So, notice levels of tension and/or fatigue.  With a cupped hand, lightly tap your arms and neck, and other areas to relieve stress and to increase energy flow and vitality. Is your breathing deep and relaxed, or shallow and quick? Remember always to breathe deeply, especially when facing stressful circumstances.

Nurture yourself. Take time for reflection and being alone. Go to a movie, take a hot, soothing bath, treat yourself to a massage, cuddle up and enjoy your favorite music, take a quiet walk. And, breathe.

The holiday season is defined by social gatherings and often the focus of such gatherings is food. People often overeat during the holidays, and then experience guilt. In addition to the usual tips of: eating before you go to a social gathering to avoid starving when you get there, and socializing away from the food center of gravity, you might :

Design a conscious eating strategy so you don’t fall prey to unconscious patterns of medicating with food and drink. Savor the tastes, the pleasure of the aromas, flavors, and textures of seasonal treats. Don’t beat yourself up or deny the pleasure. Harmony and balance are the keys. Plan your daily intake of calories, so you have room to indulge and still experience well-being, rather than indulge and feel bad both physically and emotionally. And, breathe.

Stress is a major excuse for eating. Reflect on what’s stressing you and reflect on how you can reduce or eliminate stressors, over and above eating or drinking. And, breathe.

Maintain a consistent exercise regimen to alleviate guilt about overindulging. Your body needs to move to feel well. So put on some music and dance, and shake out tensions and stresses so you don’t become stuck in a holiday funk. And, breathe.

Mind:

During the holidays our internal judge and critic bombard us with how we “should’ act and behave. Listening to this onslaught of “I should” is enough to drive one to “Grinch-dom.”  “I must get the right gift.” “I should go to that party.” “I must eat less.” “I have to send a card.” “I need to say what’s on my mind.” “I need to make this the best holiday ever.” “I should exercise more.” “I need to meet someone else’s expectations of me.” “I should be more joyful, sincere, outgoing, religious, appreciative, generous, peaceful, etc.”

In family gatherings, you may feel a need to debate issues, feelings, or past memories. Instead, initiate a truce. Place resentments and grievances on the back burner. You can address them after the holidays with greater thoughtfulness and clarity when extra seasonal stresses won’t affect you.

So, beware of the “shoulds.” Rather than beat yourself up whenever your inner judge tugs on your sleeve, just allow yourself to witness the “should”  (“Oh, my judge is giving me a hard time.”). Then, breathe deeply a few times and move on. Experiencing guilt indicates you’re allowing your judge to grab you and hold you up to some imagined or impossible holiday ideal. And, breathe.

The focus during the holidays, and all days, is being authentic, allowing your integrity to shine, to be yourself, and not struggle to meet either someone else’s expectations or some “ideal” you have of yourself that is impossible to meet. This is a good opportunity to practice the “Four L’s” of well-being: lighten up on yourself, laugh at yourself, love yourself, and leave yourself alone. You can defend against your internal critic and judge by telling it to back off, using whatever silent or oral language works for you.

You may overeat to “take care of” and nurture yourself, perhaps to find “sweetness” from food where you cannot find sweetness elsewhere, perhaps to distract yourself from boring people or events. So, be aware of “what’s eating you” and reflect on whether food or drink are the only alternatives. And, of course, breathe.

Spirit:

No one consciously wakes up and says: “I’m going to be a jerk today.” The opposite is normally true – almost everyone is trying to do their best and, in their own mind, operates from positive intention. So, when it’s easy to become stressed and react to what we perceive as others’ rudeness, insensitivity, or stupidity, take nothing personally. Use these opportunities for your spirit to come through, be accepting of others, and look for the noble humanity in others. For example:

When a shopper inadvertently bumps into you,
When a driver cuts you off,
When someone inadvertently says something you take to be critical or demeaning,
When a family member brings up an embarrassing or unpleasant past event,
When a service person doesn’t meet your expectations for quality service,
When someone forgets to thank you for your gift,
When your family doesn’t decorate the house exactly as you would,
When the priest, minister or rabbi offers a sermon you feel you could give better,

Use these opportunities to be appreciative and grateful for all you have, rather than react negatively, to come from your heart, not your mind, to focus on what you love and what truly gives meaning to your life, and on what this season means to you, whether it’s family, community, or religion. Stressful events present opportunities to be bold and brave, allowing your light and joy to shine, no matter what anyone else is doing. Wherever you are, wherever you go, know that you are a blessing! And, breathe!

And if in doing your best to take care of yourself, you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. Speak with a counselor, a coach, or minister. Folks in the helping professions are aware of, and sympathetic to, the pain which people experience at this time. Yes, “this too shall pass,” but if you find yourself swept up in the “blues” of your holiday, it will pass more quickly if you seek support.

So, gift yourself and use this time to practice following your own “flow line” as you navigate the “white waters” of this holiday season.

—————————————————–
(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering