My Lawnmower Made Me Do It

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

During the week of August 4th 2008, a man in Milwaukee loaded his shotgun and shot his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start.

Before moving on, let’s do what many probably have done ­ roll our eyes, shake our heads and perhaps snicker a bit. Now, for the serious side.

For the fellow in Milwaukee, it was about his lawn mower. What about the rest of us? What brings us to, or close to, the breaking point, where we want to shoot something, or smash it, or kick the stuffing out of it?

And you, how do you react?
How to you react to things like a malfunctioning stapler, computer, printer, app, washing machine, blackberry, or an elevator door that takes forever to close, coffee that brews too slowly, a red light, an ATM that’s out of cash? I’ll bet you can come up with your own list of irritants in a very short time.

Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” So, let’s take the liberty of stretching this thought a bit and paraphrase, “Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Why?

First, consider two definitions:
Inanimate ­ 1: not animate: a: not endowed with life or spirit b: lacking consciousness anthropomorphic ­ 1: described or thought of as having…human attributes 2: ascribing human characteristics to nonhuman things

So, what’s at play here? Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel. This bears repeating. Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel.

While blaming and feeling the victim has become an art form in our Western culture, this fact remains a fact. Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel.

So, to our definitions.

When out and about
When walking through Home Depot and coming upon a lawn mower, my sense is you wouldn’t rush over to beat it senseless. When coming upon the words “fax machine” in a dictionary, my sense is you don’t immediately go into a tirade. Inanimate objects. No life, no consciousness; just objects, things.

When we become reactive, what’s most often operating is our need for security, control or recognition. When something takes us out of our comfort zone, when something happens that makes us feel or believe we’re not in control, or we don’t feel safe or secure, then we (consciously or unconsciously) become reactive. Reacting means to “do without thinking”, to become emotional.

Lest you begin to think you’re “justified” in becoming angry, frustrated, emotional or irrational and grab on to the notion that some object caused your reaction, consider this.

Stimulus and cause
The “stimulus” of your reactivity is possibly, yes, an object, event, thing outside of you. However, the “cause” of your reactivity is inside you. It’s all about you. Feeling the victim, feeling out of control or put upon – whatever you feel – you’re responsible for your emotions and for your reactivity.

Remember what Shakespeare said, “An event is neither good nor bad; only thinking makes it so.”

Emotions don’t come from nowhere. They bubble up from inside ourselves. Our reactivity begins the instant we tell ourselves a story about an event and this is where the inanimate object become animate as we ascribe anthropomorphic qualities to it.

We create a story in which we allow the lawn mower, the fax machine, the app or the elevator door to take on actual qualities and a personality that are “doing something to me” ­ it’s making me uncomfortable; it’s ruining my day, it’s making me late, it’s making me unhappy and interfering with my life and my need for control or security in some way, shape or form.

Somehow, this object has acquired all these personality qualities and intentionality that are out to get me and make my life miserable.

We experience the event, we are catapulted out of our comfort zone and we create a story – all happening sometimes in a split second, unconscious, reactive. Our adrenaline begins to flow, energy pours into our head, anger-based chemicals flow from the brain, emotions flood our body and, well, we load the shotgun and blast the lawn mower to pieces, or become verbally violent and explode.

Let’s review the Jung paraphrase: “Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

The antidote to reactivity
When the event occurs and I feel myself becoming reactive, the immediate questions to ask myself are: “So what’s going on with me, right here and right now?” and “How am I feeling?”

It’s critical to be able to name what you’re feeling. If you can’t name it, then you can’t work with it. So in addition to reacting with “I’m angry”, you’ll gain much more insight into your story if you can say, for example, “I’m feeling all alone (or afraid, ashamed, cheated, confused, controlled, trapped, worried . . . )

Naming your emotions in this way and exploring why you feel the way you do, will give you a greater understanding of the historical nature of your reactivity and support you to see what’s really underneath your reactivity. You’ll see how your immediate reactivity is not about “now” even though right now you think it is. It’s deeper.

When you understand the nature of your reactivity, you’ll be better able to witness an event for what it is – an objective event – without needing to attach your history to it and become reactive. That was then; this is now. There’s no connection.

Why? With a deeper exploration of who you are and how you are, you’ll discover and be able to call upon your internal, heart-felt (and not ego-reactive) essential qualities such as: courage, strength, wisdom, compassion, clarity, steadfastness, discipline, patience and will that can support you to cope with life’s misadventures without getting knocked out of the box or becoming reactive.

With this deeper, conscious and sincere exploration,we develop the capacity to respond to events ­ with considered reflection and contemplation ­ rather than with knee-jerk reactivity.

We get clues about our unconscious programming if we watch our reactions, responses, feelings and thoughts about events (and people). Until or unless we take the time to look inside and explore the nature of our reactivity, life will continue to give us a series of events in which we play the victim and martyr and remain reactive.

Asking yourself, for example, “How do I judge or stereotype events (or people)?” “What pushes my buttons?” “What makes me angry or fearful or sad?” will support you to see what it is that you need to work on “inside” you that attracts events that continually push your buttons.

If you didn’t have beliefs, expectations, assumptions, “stories” and preconceptions about the circumstances and events that trigger you reactivity, then, pure and simple, you wouldn’t become reactive.

So when outer events spark a reaction, we need to look inside to explore what’s going on. As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “an event is neither good nor bad; only thinking makes it so”.

And finally, it’s never about the lawn mower – ever.

Some questions for self-reflection:

•  What negative experiences or events do you consistently or frequently have?
•  What do you not know about yourself that is manifesting in a negative way?
• Who can help you to explore and see more clearly what you need to discover and see?
•  Do you consider yourself to be a “blamer?” How would your colleagues, family, and friends answer this question about you?
• What are your “lawn mowers”? How do you react to it/them?
• What are you like when you become reactive? What would others say?
• Have you ever explored the sources of your reactivity?
• On a scale of 1-10, how positive are you, generally? What would others say about you? Would you feel comfortable asking some of them?
• What one or two baby steps can you take in the next week or two to become less reactive and more responsive to (one of) your “lawn mower(s)?”
• What was it like being around reactive people when you were growing up?
  —————————-

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

 

Growing Old vs. Growing Up.

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.” – Carl Jung

Do you know any 20-somethings who are “wise beyond their years?” I don’t mean intellect, intelligence, book knowledge or trivial facts. But, their orientation to, and perspective about, life and living. Conversely, do you know 40- or 60-somethings who are childish in the way they approach life and living?

Phases of adult life

Developmental psychologists and anthropologists often view life as a series of developmental stages – turning points where opportunities or pivotal moments occur – opportunities for growth. Stages are chronological: 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Generally, folks in their 20s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a different perspective from folks in their 30s; folks in their 60s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a perspective different from folks in their 40s, etc. Depending on what life stage one is at, one may respond differently to questions like:

• What do you love about your work?
• How aware are you of your motives for acting and interacting?
• Are you aware of your deepest fears, motives and impulses?
• Who are you?
• Why are you on the planet?
• Are you a trusting and trustworthy individual?
• How do you demonstrate trust, trustworthiness and integrity?
• What causes you to act counter to your values or your heart?
• What do you get from relationships?
• What is your relationship to money?
• What are you doing with your life, and why?
• Is this all there is?
• What should you do with your life now?

Spiritually, individuals in early stages of life often create a “false self” – i.e., a self based mostly on “externals,” caught up in ego-based needs for control, recognition and security, a self that lives life more unconsciously, robotically, programmed, instinctively and according to reactive, unconscious habits and patterned ways of do-ing, hav-ing and be-ing.

While the answers to the questions above are often based on the particular stage one is in, they are equally based on one’s “state” – level of consciousness – as well, the reason a 20-something can be “wise beyond her years” and a 60-something can behave like a little boy.

Phases of consciousness

Along with the chronological stages that appear at 20, 30, and 40, etc., there are conscious states that accompany the stage. As one grows older, one can move from a “false self” to a place where one is more conscious about “be-ing” a son, daughter, father, mother, friend, colleague, mentor, wise person, benefactor, and/or one’s True and Real Self.

Stages cannot be juxtaposed; they are not malleable or transferable; however, states can occur at any time, during any stage.

From a more psycho/emotional/spiritual perspective, the degree to which one “matures” as they progress through life stages depends on how “conscious” one is during the transitions, i.e, what conscious “state” they are experiencing e.g., how in touch one is with one’s heart, core values, emotions, feelings and life purpose; to what degree one is self-reflective and aware of “who I am” and “how I am” in living life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – a consciousness that comes not from chronological “age” but from an intuitive, guided, truthful, loving and universal sense from within.

So, for each of the questions, above, the initial answer is: “It depends.” It depends at which stage one is at and what state one is experiencing.

Growth also occurs through “stages of states of consciousness” i.e., our conscious self can grow and mature – moving from ego-centric, for example, to ethno-centric, to world-centric, to cosmic-centric and beyond. The move through the psychological ” states of consciousness” is also developmental – one follows the other; they are sequential. The important point here is that “states of consciousness” can be experienced at any  chronological stage (age).

So, this is why, generally, folks in their 20s may respond to the questions above differently from folks in their 30s; folks in their 30s differently from those in their 40s, and the like.

Becoming conscious

States of consciousness are accessed through spiritual practices e.g., meditation or prayer; physical practices like martial arts, Tai Chi or yoga; or through the “sacredness” of art, writing, deep intimacy, sexuality, and relationships.

The stage-state dynamic is the reason different folks interpret the same “reality” – event, circumstance, person, or place – differently; it depends on their state when they do the interpreting.

Each of the questions, above, generates responses depending on the psycho/emotional/spiritual state of the one inquiring. Looking at the questions, “Is this all there is?,” or “What should I do with my life now?,” or “What should I read,” or “What event should I attend?” the person in their 20s might answer with, “Heck, I’ll just have to try a different drug;” the person in their 40s, “Heck, I’ll just have to try a different spouse/partner;” the person in their 60s, “I’ll work for the good of humanity instead of just for myself.”

Psycho/emotional/spiritual growth is about finding a connection between where one is in the course of their life (stage), the issues they’re facing and the psycho/emotional/spiritual state where one is. A highly “conscious” person may very successfully resolve deep issues in their 20s whereas an “unconscious” person in their 50s or 60s may still react to life’s issues and challenges as they did in their 20s – with no appreciable resolution, having grown “old,” but never “up” – aged, but not matured, emotionally, psychologically or spiritually. Such folks often feel “lost” and meander, stumble, grope and flounder through life and relationships.

When we understand the nature of stages and states in life, we are more able to experience a true sense of well-be-ing in whatever life stage we happen to be in. The opposite is also true. Many folks unsuccessfully navigate the various stages in their life as they have never become conscious, or self-aware of their state.

When we ask these questions from a deeper level, exploring the truth of our “stories,” our rationales, our assumptions, our premises, our reactivities, judgments and worldviews – we are reflecting at a higher level of consciousness. As we consciously and honestly reflect on how we typically move through our day, we use our heart and body’s inner wisdom and intelligence and open up to higher states of consciousness. From this place we are more able to live a life of balance and harmony, a life that is inner-directed, a life that is characterized by wisdom and maturity – not years.

Such is the difference between “growing old” and “growing up.”

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each.” –  Anais Nin

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How old are you, chronologically?
• How old do you feel, emotionally? What might others say if you ask them?
• Is you life at work, at home, at play and in relationship authentic and inspiring? If not, why not?
• Do you experience meaning, passion, and purpose in your life?
• Do you have a spiritual (i.e., not religious or theological) practice focused on self-inquiry?
• What are your five most important values? Do you lives these values in your day-to-day life?
• Are you truly happy or do you strive and effort to live the appearance of happiness?
• How self-aware (vs. being habitual, robotic and reactive) are in your day-to-day interactions?
• As you grow older, are you growing up? What’s supporting you to grow up? How so? What are you seeing about yourself in the growing-up process?
• When did you first discover or experience a “state” of life? What was that like for you?

—————————————————–
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Do You Have Control Issues?

Speaker page, Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Do you have control issues? On life’s journey to wholeness and completion, personality control is probably the greatest issue we all face. It’s about ego.

Control and death
We believe we can control what we experience, that is, except death. One of our greatest fears is our fear of losing control, and underneath that is our fear of death. To move through our fear and release our need to control, we need to face death with acceptance, inner peace and equanimity.

Denial
Unfortunately many of us who are “control-freaks,” don’t actually realize we are. But, our friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers and others do! We all have control issues. However, for many of us, it usually takes a major conflict or confrontation to bring it to the fore – unless we are able and willing to consciously explore our fears, feelings and behavior.

“Thy will be done.”
What’s interesting about our relationship to control is that some of us are willing to let go – as long as the letting go is about putting our trust or faith in God, the Universe, Source, Higher Power and the like. However, the question underneath the question is: am I willing to trust in, have faith in and rely on the people around me in your life? In other words, we see and understand the “spirituality” of some “higher” entity, but we can’t bring ourselves to believe that this “spirituality” exists in the people, places, events, and circumstances around us in our daily life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

“Up there” vs. “down here”
There are those among us who live our lives according to the “Thy will be done…” perspective, but somehow fail to grasp the notion that the “thy will” manifests in the people, places, circumstances, events, etc. that permeate our daily lives. “Thy will” is not only “up there,” but “down here.” “Thy will” manifests as the physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, financial, health and other needs of those with whom we come into contact – near and afar – every day. It’s these others who reflect the “thy will” that needs to be done.
Our journey “down here” is about change and transformation – a form of “dying” every day on various levels.

Ego
In our ego-driven culture, control is about “getting what I want,” “achieving goals, positions status, etc.,” and efforting to control every detail of our lives

The self-help industry is largely about shoring up our ego and not so much about changing and transforming our personality. The challenge that comes with changing our personality, for so many, lies in the statement, “I want to change, but do I have to be different?” And it’s this question which keeps people stuck in our control issues – unable or unwilling to allow or access the faith and trust in our hearts to forward the action of our lives.

Our ego self, wanting or needing to feel safe and secure, often prevents us from going inside to explore our thoughts, feelings, emotions, choices, decisions, reactions, and the like. When our fear keeps us from going inside, exploring and being curious about our inner workings, the result is our wanting and needing to control what’s “out there” – people, places, events, circumstances, etc.

The psycho/spiritual dynamic that’s in play here is that by controlling everyone and everything that, in some way, I achieve immortality – I won’t die. And, oddly enough, it’s only when we let go of this want or need to control, that we truly achieve immortality. Funny how that works.

Worry, worry, worry
Fear is what drives the ego. In a state of fear, where the emotional brain takes over, we’re unable (although we think we can) to access our brain’s neo-cortex – the rational, logical, executive, thinking part of the brain. In this conscious or unconscious, “need to survive” emotional state, where we continually feel threatened, we cannot make the conscious, healthy choices and decisions that will honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly forward the action of our lives.

Loss of control, for many, is the one, greatest threat that stands in the way of our spiritual growth, development and self-actualization.

Until and unless we become aware of our need to control, the capacity to give ourselves permission to have faith in, and be trusting of, our Inner, Essential self, our heart and our soul will not be realized. The inner journey is the way in to this exploration and discovery.

Questions for self-reflection:

• Would you say you’re a controlling person?
• What would your friends, relatives, co-workers and others say? Would you dare to ask them?
• What are some of the ways you try to control what’s “out there?”
• Is there an area (s) in your life where you feel you are losing control? How so?
• What does it feel like when you’re losing control? Not, what are you thinking, but what are you feeling? Sense your body. It knows.
• How can you begin to reduce and/or eliminate worry or perceived threats you see out there?
• What was your experience around worry or control when you were growing up?
• Where, when or how did you learn to worry?
• When, where or how did you learn you needed to be in control?
•  How did your parents or primary caregivers experience, worry and control?
• When, where or how did you learn not to trust others?
• Do you believe people outside of yourself hold the key to your happiness?
• What would it take for you to become more peaceful, trusting and accepting?
• Do you find controlling to be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting? How so?
• “Whatever I try to control does have control over me and my life.” How you feel about the statement?
  —————————————————–

(c) 2016, Peter Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Power and Perseverance

Happy New Year. Enjoy.

http://bit.ly/1Sqk5eG

Peace,
Peter

 

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering