Perspective

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“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

How often have we judged other person, circumstance, event, place, object etc. as being “off” (read: negatively different, difficult, stupid, weird, wrong and the like) because their behavior, or just their (or its mere existence) didn’t conform to the way we felt it ought to conform?

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”  How often are we tone deaf in that we refuse to gather sufficient information/data to possibly help us more fully understand the truth of the reality around us? The fact is there is never – ever – only one, correct perspective about anything.

Our pain and suffering
Understanding this truth supports us to let go of our tendency or obsession  to judge, to be critical, to categorize and label people, places, circumstances and events as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.” Most folks’ pain and suffering arises because they refuse to let go of their need to definitively judge reality – not only their reality but everyone else’s reality as well.

The truth is folks suffer least when they can accept reality just as it is – without needing to control or manipulate it.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”  Marcus Aurelius

How often in your daily life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – do you find yourself in a situation where there�s a conflict, or challenge or problem to be tackled and resolved? Or a dilemma that needs to be unbundled, or a conundrum to be clarified, or a story to be heard? And, how often in such circumstances do you dive in with your perspective (read: “my perspective which happens to be the only accurate perspective”)? How often do you arrive to save the day?

In reality, how often have you jumped in with both feet and your single perspective only to learn sooner rather than later you missed the mark – i.e., you didn’t grasp the whole story, or the complete picture, or a deeper understanding of the issue?

Sign of the times
What’s really underneath our knee-jerk need to jump in is our brain is so accustomed (addicted?) – in a culture of 24-hour sound bites, 140-character Tweets, Instagram, Snapchat, and incessant demands made on our psyche by social media – to shoot from the hip, offer opinions and judgments on the fly, and, in the process, become wrapped up in my “what-I-feel-is-the correct-perspective” – i.e., viewing our preconceptions, assumptions, “stories,” expectations and judgments as Truth.

“Listen to understand before being understood” is a principle underscored in all “effective listening” literature. Most of us say we “listen.” But, how often do we really, really listen before being understood, before reacting? Honestly?

Our addiction
In our media-obsessed culture, many of us (i.e., our brains) have become addicted to a need for constant  and continuous stimulation and interaction; our brains demand (hyper) activity. So, rather than having cultivated a capacity to exhibit patience and really, really listen, our stimulation-needy brains force us to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, i.e., our perspective – a perspective that is, more often than not, quick, simple – and wrong. Being reactive rather than responsive.

The downside
The consequence of the “I have the one, quick and correct perspective” is it usually ameliorates one’s capacity to listen, be empathic, quiet and contemplative in a sustained way in the presence of another or others – especially when the situation calls for deeper reflection and understanding.

Unfortunately, when listening is called for, many of us engage in our knee-jerk reactivity in some way, shape or form – advising, “fixing,” one-upping, educating, telling, training, hijacking the other’s experience, correcting, and, of course, suggesting an immediate solution, i.e., my perspective.

Unfortunately, when this happens, those across from us often feel unheard, unappreciated, invisible, angry, resentful, frustrated or attacked – anything but listened to or heard. Not a great way to build trust, engender mutual respect, create a container of safety or cultivate conscious, healthy and safe relationships.

So, the next time you’re in a situation that calls for listening, perhaps don’t be so quick to reassure, give advice, or give your perspective. Rather, practice being present to the person(s) who are speaking, practice empathy to understand the other(s) more completely, breathe deeply, clear your mind and let go of all preconceived judgments and assumptions, listen with your whole being, not just your ears, to others’ feelings and needs.

In other words, in situations that call for listening, be sure you’re not one “who considers those who are dancing to be insane” because you could not hear the music.

Listen for the music.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you feel you’re a good listener? How do you know? What would your co-workers, bosses, friends, spouse, partner or family members say?
• Have you recently been told you’re not a good listener? What was it like to hear that?
• Are you preoccupied with, or addicted to, electronic devices? Truthfully?
• Would folks say you’re often the first to jump in with a suggestion, a solution, an answer, your “perspective” – even when no one may not be asking for it?
• Do you have a reputation as one who’s always “fixing” others without their asking?
• Do you ever feel unheard, unseen, invisible when speaking with others?
• Do you ever hijack or “one-up” others’ experiences?
• Would you consider yourself to be a compassionate and empathic person? How so?
• Do you ever ask others if they feel you understood them, before you claim you did understand them?
• What one or two ways this week or next can you “listen to understand before being understood?”
• Do you feel you were “seen” and “heard” as a child?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Empathy comes from the heart, not the mind

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In his book, “Empathic Civilization: The Race to Global Consciousness in a World in Crisis,” Jeremy Rifkin concludes, in one chapter, “…what is needed is a more transparent public debate around views of freedom, equality and democracy�a moratorium on the hyperbolic political rhetoric and incivility…and begin a civil conversation around our differing views on human nature. This would offer us a moment in time to listen to each other, share our feelings, thoughts, concerns and aspirations, with the goal of trying to better understand each others’ perspectives, and hopefully find some emotional and cognitive common ground.”

While Rifkin’s book is a detailed explanation of how we came to be a culture of incivility, and how empathy is a “way out,” his conclusion falls short of a real solution. He equates “cognition” with “consciousness” and assumes we can talk ourselves into being empathetic. Love and empathy are matters of the heart, not the mind, and here is where Rifkin, and so many others, who posit intellectual and cognitive solutions for social ills come up short.

Cognition and consciousness are poles apart
Cognition and consciousness are not synonyms but polar ends of a continuum. Here’s my take.

We live in challenging times – socially, politically, economically and in our daily lives. Incivility, disrespect, and out-and-out personal attacks are a consequence of the un-ease. the dis-ease many are experiencing.

So, can I just “think” myself into being empathetic with those who push my buttons? I think not.

Empathy is deeper stuff
Empathy is the ability and willingness to relate – not just cognitively or emotionally, but spiritually to what another is feeling. Being empathetic, we choose to “walk in another’s shoes,” without egoistically needing to “fix,” teach, tell, one-up, advise, sympathize, interrogate, explain or “set them straight.” Empathy is a heart-felt choice to engage intimately with others, on a deep level, by “be-ing” with another – providing a safe container for another to be vulnerable in our presence – feeling safe, secure, valued and heard. So, why is empathy so hard?

Why being empathetic is challenging
“Underneath the hood” of surface-level anger, distrust and disrespect between folks, there’s an element that sources our incivility – fear. Fear of what? Fear of losing control. Control of what? Our “identity,” our need to feel like a “somebody.” Our need to be seen, heard, recognized. Our need for psycho-emotional security.

When individuals or groups fear a loss of democracy or status, or feel terrorized about losing their jobs, their homes, their health care, their educational opportunities, their families and sense of self, they fear being relegated to the ranks of “nobodies.”

Nobody wants to be a “nobody”
How am I dealing with these marginalized, fearful folks? Am I pushing them away? Do I see them as a threat to my identity, to my feeling like a “somebody?” Do status, ranking and “somebody-ness” depend on my doing, being and having more than them – a “zero-sum” approach to my living life where I feel, “if you get yours, then I won’t get mine?” Is life a “me. vs. you” proposition? Do I see folks as a means to end? This is where empathy comes into play.

I am you
One tenet of many spiritual traditions is the notion that “I am you” – a metaphysical (far from cognitive) concept that points to the interconnection of all of life. An I/Thou” approach to others is not based on the another’s packaging, i.e., looks, net worth, degrees, quality and quantity of material possessions, etc. The I/Thou personalness of relationships focuses on a heart-felt “we,” rather than “me vs. you.” How we are more alike than separate. I/Thou assumes a higher level of “consciousness” – how I orient to the planet and the people on the planet.

Four levels of consciousness:
Unconscious – instinctual, follower
Subconscious – habitual, robotic, drone-like, reactive
Conscious – aware, intelligent, conceptual
Higher Consciousness – intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal

Empathy reflects a state where one interacts with another with a higher consciousness. It’s not about “deciding” to do so; it’s about an “inner knowing” that I choose to connect. It’s heart-felt, love-based. Empathy results from “going inside,” asking our hearts if our unconscious, subconscious, or conscious “stories” about others are honest, sincere, and authentic or are really defense mechanisms to protect my “ego” self. Higher consciousness allows us to enter into communication and harmony with others from a place of a “universal mind” where we relate to others as “my brothers and sisters.”

From a place of true and real empathy, higher consciousness, the energy of love and warmth fills the space between two people (or peoples), not the coldness, resistance or resentment of a “me vs. you” ego-perspective. Empathy allows equality between and among individuals, all individuals.

Higher consciousness, not cognition, is the “secret sauce” of cooperation, collaboration, compassion and connection with others. Higher consciousness is a heart-based state that allows me to “feel your pain” – I am you.

Empathy is not thinking
What’s needed is a shift in consciousness, not cognition, that puts a microscope on our emotional, psychological and spiritual orientation to the planet and the peoples inhabiting it. This internal exploration is quiet, slow, continuous and intentional. It’s not “thinking about,” it’s not intellectual. Here we query our heart, not our mind.

Einstein said “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” My take here is that “thinking” is not the problem, but consciousness. While folks may be thinking differently, they are not moving to a higher level of consciousness. And this is the problem – old wine, new wine skins.

The Indian Philosopher Krishnamurti said: “Thoughts are like furniture in a room with the windows and doors closed.” Much of the dialogue, books, articles and sharings of well-meaning folks who seek “solutions” to incivility issues are in this room, with the doors and windows closed. Lots of listening, agreeing, disagreeing, and “solutions” but it’s the same old furniture, only now with different colors and textures. Why? Discussions are mostly intellectual and cognitive. Only the heart will allow fresh air and lead to true transformation.

Empathy is co-relating
The solutions to our challenges are not about new (cognitive) flavors of democracy, freedom, economics and the like; they are about co-relating and co-creating on a spiritual level. Our mean-spiritedness, anger, mistrust, and intolerance will not be reduced or eliminated by a cognitive understanding, but through the application of the salve of a higher consciousness produced by our hearts and souls. True empathy is not a matter of cognition. it’s a matter of heart. The common ground we look to find is not in the real estate of the brain; but in the fertile fields of our hearts.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil, demeaning, or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify your behavior? How so?
• How do you generally interact with folks who think/believe/live differently from you?
• Do you live life from an “I need to be right” perspective? If so, why do you think that’s so?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How about being empathetic?
• Do you ever rationalize or justify another’s uncivil or disrespectful behavior? If so, how or why?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil manner? If so, how did you respond to their accusations?
• How did you, your family, deal with disagreement as you were growing up?
• What do you notice if/when you think others on the planet are your brothers and sisters?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible folks respond to disagreement without being uncivil, bullying, angry, enraged, or otherwise disrespectful?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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“I want you to like me.”

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“I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.”
Cheap Trick –
Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

The Need to Please
What’s your experience with folks who need to please? Generally, folks who need to please seldom do. More often than actually pleasing, they are often annoying, anxiety-provoking, generating more irritation and negativity than positivity and gratitude.

And you?
Are you a people-pleaser? If so, there’s a better-than-average chance you learned how to be a people-pleaser at a very young age. The impetus was your (natural and normal) need to feel and be loved, acknowledged and recognized – a need which wasn’t met.  As a result, people-pleasing in varied ways, shapes and forms became a survival mechanism.

Moreover, you may not have received permission to, or encouraged to, love yourself, to please yourself, to show your value and worth, or to trust yourself.

So, you (consciously or unconsciously) choose the strategy of pleasing others believing that if you did, others would love you back, others would see your value and worth, others would validate you when you could not, or would not, validate yourself.

How you show(ed) up
People-pleasing can be loud or quiet, overt or covert – talking non-stop or quietly maneuvering and navigating life to please others.  You may constantly fuss over others driven by an “I hope I’m pleasing you” motive – when what you’re really asking is, “Please see me!”

The real downside of people-pleasing
What often occurs when one chooses to live a “people-pleasing” life is they give themselves away – their power, their strength, and their emotional and physic energy for the sake of the other. Putting others’ wants and needs first – the foundation of co-dependent and dysfunctional relationships.

While conscious and healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual consideration, the people-pleaser consistently puts the other’s requirements, needs and wants first. Sacrificing self-responsibility in favor of taking on being responsible to another.

When we care for the other in a dysfunctional way – by people-pleasing – we, more often than not, end up annoying the other, aggravating the other, and becoming angry, resentful and confused when the other does not appreciate our efforts, acknowledge our efforts or show gratitude in the way we would like.

People-pleasing is a most self-destructive and self-sabotaging way to attract love, recognition and acknowledgement. It never gets us the love and caring we want and deserve – ever.

Learning to love yourself, appreciate yourself and nurture yourself just as you are, right here and right now, is the most compassionate and effective way to reduce and eliminate your need to put others ahead of yourself.

Some questions for self-reflection

• Have you ever felt you were a people-pleaser? How did that make you feel?
• What does people-pleasing get you that you cannot give yourself? How so?
• Do you remember being a people-pleaser when you were young? What was that like?
• Do you remember being around people-pleasers when you were young?
• Do you ever feel guilty, ashamed or selfish when you put yourself first? Why?
• How do you feel when you do someone a favor and they don’t reciprocate?
• What baby step(s) can you take to put yourself first?

—————————————————–
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering