A Culture of Fear

Speaker page, Facebook page, Becoming a Better You book page

Every day in workplaces – large and small – from Fortune 50 corporations to high-tech start-ups, ‘mom and pop’ ventures or not-for-profits, people are living in fear. It might be fear of losing their jobs, fear of being judged and criticized, fear of being disliked, fear of being embarrassed, fear of being ostracized, fear of making mistakes, fear of being the target of gossip or fear of facing uncomfortable challenges or problems.

The same workplaces are also home to individuals happy to indulge in inappropriate behavior, deceit, fraud, harassment, gossiping, lying, cheating and stealing.

Yet at the same time, many organizations exhort their employees to abide by organizational values such as honesty, integrity, trust and openness.

The ‘dirty little secret’ (maybe not so little) is many of our workplaces are challenged when it comes to looking into the honesty mirror. It’s not so much that inappropriate behavior exists, it’s that so many people – especially those in positions of authority or influence – choose to turn a blind eye to them. Why? Because they’re afraid, too. They live life at work in a culture of fear.

The problem

Most of us have learned to keep our fear to ourselves. We’re reluctant to speak out, reluctant to be the bearer of bad news or to admit that we screwed up and made a mistake. We don’t want to ask a colleague to change their behavior, let alone point out cheating, fraud or deceit, expose failed processes or to admit to defective products. Fear resounds, but often very quietly.

Fear leads to denial, defensiveness and delusion. People suppress their fears, deluding themselves that they’re living in a world where all appears well and nothing is amiss. But it’s a fantasy world.

The solution

The solution to fear begins with appreciation. That means admitting our fears and owning them. It means exploring the self-imposed silence that keeps us from speaking out – and causes the low-grade anxiety and agitation we feel when we keep our fears hidden and suppressed.

We’re all familiar with the silence of fear – always there, lurking just below the surface. In team meetings, in one-on-one meetings, when engaging with clients and customers, even in social situations – while we’re in conversation and dialogue – we know and sense the silent energy of fear.

We feel the tension in our shoulders and the queasiness in our stomachs. We feel the constriction in our throats and the tightness in our chest. We feel quiet, passive, withdrawn and deferential. We don’t make eye contact. We’re silently angry. We feel embarrassed, cowardly, passive and reluctant. We’re there, but we’re not. We hold a large part of our selves back.

The good news is that these feelings mean we’re experiencing our fear – the first step towards addressing it. It’s helpful to notice where we are at any given moment on the continuum between fear and hope – hope that our life at work can be different. It’s helpful and healing to experience an awareness of the internal conflict between being open, honest and authentic and being shut down and constricted just so that we can survive and collect our paycheck.

This awareness is the first step on the road towards change. But once we notice our fears, then what?

Showing up

The opposite of being fearful is being courageous. But being courageous is not about “not having fear.” Being courageous is about showing up – authentically, in integrity – in spite of our fear. It means being our best for our own sake and the sake of our organization, team, or unit.

Fear has no purpose. There is no “upside” to being afraid. From a place of authenticity and integrity we can acknowledge there’s no sense in being fearful. Being authentic means we can live in spite of fear and that by acknowledging we are afraid, we can be present to our experience. Only then can we generate the energy of courage, will and strength to “show up.”

When we try to bury our feelings, we bury them alive, only to rear their ugly heads at some point in the future. But when we admit our fear, the shackles of fear are loosened. We become free when we openly speak out about our fears, and allow others to speak about theirs. The truth does set you free.

When we hear others talk about their fears of being fired, or reprimanded or denigrated for saying or doing something, we need to compassionately listen to them and create a container of safety to support their disclosing. Critical to shedding our fears and acting courageously is admitting to the discomfort that fear causes us – having it, but not being it.

Self-awareness about “who we are” and “how we are” in the workplace helps to create a culture that is not fear-based. Being open to feedback and constructive criticism (from all those with whom we work – above us, below us, next to us), listening empathically, cooperating with colleagues, respecting others’ privacy and individuality, discussing difficult issues from a heart-felt place, and acknowledging that others, too, are steeped in fear in their day-to-day life at work are ways we can create a safe, open and honest workplace environment.

Each one of us deserves to be free from fear at work. Being free from fear at work starts with you.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who or what causes you to experience fear at work, to not speak up or out?
• Can you acknowledge your fears? Can you give yourself permission to feel afraid?
• When was the last time you spoke up or against an inappropriate behavior?
• Do you ever confide in others about your fears? Do others confide in you?
• Are you open to admitting your mistakes?
• What is your organization’s culture around making mistakes?
• Are you afraid to give or receive “bad news”?
• Are you afraid of being criticized, embarrassed or disliked? Why?
• Are you afraid of confronting a serious workplace issue? Why?
• Do you attempt to mask your workplace fears? How?
• Do you generally have the courage to speak up in spite of feeling fearful?
• Do you feel authentic at work?
• Is the silence of fear peaceful and quiet (internally) for you?
• What one or two baby steps could you take to act courageously in spite of your fear, to step beyond the silence of fear?
• Did you (learn to) express your fears as a child?
• —————————————————– –

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Integrity, Balance and Self-Deception

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

When we experience harmony and balance in our lives, it’s most often because there’s a conscious alignment between what we think, feel, say and do. We are in integrity. Our life choices and decisions – be they at work, at home or in relationship – have a deeply-felt sense of being honest and sincere.

When we lack congruity between what we think, feel, say and do, often we experience an emotional or physiological sense of imbalance. We feel disconnected, out of equilibrium or “off.” How could we not? Think of an equilateral triangle standing on just one of its points – ungrounded.

The ground of our being, the foundation of who and how we are is built on the degree of honesty in our thoughts, feelings, speech and actions. This foundation can begin to deteriorate when integrity – the stuff of our foundation – contains too much water, or too little sand or unwanted impurities. The result is that we feel confused, unsure, powerless – like a fake or phony.

The way we honor our integrity is to first be clear and conscious of the values that matter most – our core values – those that reside in our heart. Secondly, we are in integrity when we live, not just espouse, these values at 9:00 Monday morning – holding them, speaking them and being them.

“The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one’s self.” Phillip James Bailey

Self-Deception

When what we think, feel, say or do lacks alignment or congruence, we are deceiving ourselves. We are a fraud. We spend much of our life telling ourselves, and others, “stories.” We rationalize, justify and argue in feeble attempts to be comfortable with our deception, our excuses, and our faux-self.

If you scan the various areas of your life – your personal life and relationships as well as your career – where are you in integrity and where are you out of integrity? Where are you forthright, above-board and honest and where are you dishonest, deceptive and cheating? Where are you trustworthy? Where are you taking the wrong path?

The Energy of Integrity

When we’re in integrity, we experience a positive energy. We feel a strength, courage, steadfastness, discipline, inspiration, intuitiveness, will and equilibrium that arise from deep within. We are able to ward off thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, premises and impulses that would otherwise knock us off our game, force us to take a “left turn.”

The way we stay in integrity is by being conscious and mindful, continually, throughout our day, asking, “What am I doing right here and right now…and why?” “How am I being right here and right now…any why?” This means consistently looking at my motives? Am I angry, afraid, fearful, resentful, jealous, overwhelmed, confused, resistant, etc.? Am I feeling connected with other? Am I being selfish? These questions lead to motives. Motives come from values. So, mindfulness presents an opportunity to explore what’s going on in this moment and why. This practice is a wonderful way to become more conscious of our fundamental motives and whether our motives truly serve us well and support our being in integrity.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are there choices and decisions you need to make right now that could take you out of integrity? How so?
• Do you use the same definition to define integrity for yourself as for others? If not, why not?
• Do you consistently walk your talk? Would others agree with you?
• Do your life choices and decisions support you to hold yourself in high regard?
• Do you feel integrity is a robe you can put on and take off when convenient?
• What stops you from acting in integrity? How so?
• When you’re not acting with integrity, what kind of self-talk do you engage in?
• Do your needs for control, recognition and security stop you from acting with integrity?
• Does it matter if you’re not acting with integrity?
• Do you ever excuse or justify acting without integrity? If so, when and why?
• What was your experience around honesty and integrity like when you were growing up?

 

—————————————————–

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Equanimity

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

It seems that almost everyone I know is experiencing life these days caught up in some sort of crisis or conflict, be it at work, at home or in relationship. It might be stress around processes, deadlines, budgets and job security, or personal relationships and unresolved conflicts, or how to resolve health or education challenges, or whether what they’re doing is what they really want to be doing with their life.

Stress is the wrapper surrounding their lives.

They’re consistently experiencing racing heartbeats, shortness of breath, tight jaws, facial frowns, rigid postures, negative emotions, critical and judgmental inner dialogue, illness and dis-ease. Their lives are defined by automated, robotic reactivity to conflict and crisis.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.

What is equanimity?
Equanimity – the evenness and steadiness of mind when under stress – is a practice most often discussed in Buddhist, Sufi and other traditions. Equanimity is the foundation for wisdom and freedom and for compassion and love. It is not, as some have mistaken, a “dryness,” coolness, indifference or aloofness. It’s not the suppression of feelings, apathy or inexpressiveness.

The Buddha described equanimity as a mind that is abundant, immeasurable and without hostility or ill-will. In others words, it’s the capacity to remain neutral, to observe from a distance and be at peace without getting caught up in what we observe. It’s the capacity to see the big picture with understanding. In essence, it’s about taking nothing personally, refusing to get caught up in the drama – either our own or others’.

Equanimity allows us to stand in the midst of conflict or crisis in a way where we’re balanced, grounded and centered. It allows us to remain upright in the face of the strong winds of conflict and crisis, such as: blame, failure, pain, or disrepute – the winds that set us up for suffering when they begin to blow. Equanimity protects us from being blown over and helps us stay on an even keel.

How do we develop equanimity?
There are several qualities that support the development of equanimity. One is integrity. Integrity helps us to feel confident when we speak and act. It fosters an equanimity that results in our feeling comfortable in any setting or with any group without the need to find fault or blame.

Another quality that supports equanimity is faith – not necessarily a religious or theological faith, but faith based on wisdom, conviction or confidence. This type of faith allows us to meet challenge, crisis or conflict head on with confidence, with equanimity.

A third quality is that of a well-developed mind a mind that reflects stability, balance and strength. We develop such a mind through a conscious and consistent practice of focus, concentration, attention and mindfulness. A well-developed, calm mind keeps us from being blown about by winds of conflict and crisis.

A fourth quality is a heightened sense of well-being which we develop by engaging in practices or activities that take us out of our robotic, ego-driven life and help us focus on a higher or deeper sense of consciousness. These might include meditation, mindfulness, martial arts, self-reflection, the arts, and right-brain focused activities (e.g., writing, painting, dancing, and walking in nature…).

A fifth quality that supports equanimity is understanding or wisdom which allows us to accept, be present and aware to our experience without our mind or heart resisting or contracting. In this place we separate people from their actions; we agree or disagree while being in balance with them. We take nothing personally.

Another quality is knowing that others create their own reality so we are able to exhibit equanimity in the face of others’ pain or suffering and not feel we need to take responsibility for their well-being in the face of their conflict or crisis.

A seventh quality that supports equanimity is seeing reality for what it is, for example, that change and impermanence are a fact of life. We become detached and less clingy to our attachments. This means letting go of negative judgements about our experience and replacing them with an attitude of loving kindness or acceptance and a compassionate matter-of-factness. The more we become detached, the deeper we experience equanimity.

The final quality is freedom – letting go of our need to be reactive so we can observe without needing to get caught up in the fray – maintaining a consistent relaxed state within our body as sensations (e.g., strong, subtle, pleasant, unpleasant, physiological, or emotional) move through.

Equanimity, thus, has two aspects: the power of observation and an inner balance, both of which support one to be mindful, awake, aware and conscious. The greater the degree we are mindful, the greater our capacity for equanimity. The greater our equanimity, the greater our ability to remain steady and balanced as we navigate through the rough waters and gusty winds of change, challenge and conflict.

A question of balance
When we lose our balance, we fall. In our emotional world, we stuff our feelings and emotions, deny them or contract around them. Or we identify with a particular thought, feeling or emotion, hold on to it rather than allow it to flow through us or pass like a cloud in the sky. The middle ground is equanimity – the state of non-interference.

As we develop our capacity for equanimity, we will begin to notice when we drop into a “state of equanimity.” Being aware of our experience, we can explore the state and this practice will lead to more frequent and deeper states of equanimity.

What we find with such practice is that people, events, and circumstances that once caused us to be reactive no longer have any “charge” and we are more and more able to let go and feel less bothered. We suffer less.

Equanimity allows for a safe harbor in the center of the storm when we are caught up in stress. In this place, we are more capable of meeting life with inner peace, without giving in to the underlying currents of tension and turmoil, and more able to respond effectively instead of reactively. Our responses take place in the conscious context of acceptance and equanimity.

Equanimity allows us to live a life of true and real achievement free from the trap of ego-based likes and dislikes, and emotional reactivity. The beauty of equanimity is that it supports us to live our life in such a way that we can experience a heightened sense of well-being regardless of external circumstances. Equanimity allows us to feel relaxed, make clearer, more sincere decisions, engage in more effective communication with others, speak the truth, be genuinely interested in listening to others, and be both more trusting and trustworthy.

SOME QUESTIONS FOR SELF-REFLECTION:

• To what extent do I experience quiet confidence and calmness in my life?
• Am I generally free from stress, fear, hate, anger, irritation, or confusion?
• What keeps me from experiencing equanimity?
• What attachments do I have that cause me anxiety or stress?
• Would those close to me describe me as calm?
• Do I feel I’m living a life of real achievement?
• Do I engage in a practice that brings me inner peace or harmony? If not, why?
• Who in my life exhibits equanimity on a consistent basis?
• What was my experience of (my own or others’) equanimity like when I was growing up?
• Can I visualize a world where I can experience equanimity? What would be necessary for that to happen?

—————————————————–
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Skirting The Truth – How Collusion Impacts Your Life and Relationships

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

One of the most insidious and (self) destructive behaviors impacting life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – is collusion, a tacit and unspoken agreement where two or more folks choose to overlook their honesty and authenticity in order to support some joint fake or phony sense of themselves.

We most often collude with one another in order to feel psycho/emotionally safe and secure. The price of collusion is that the parties engage in deceitful, self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors in order to gain some form of acceptance, approval, recognition, and security. Dangerous territory.

Let’s collude
Basically, collusion is saying (silently and/or covertly): “I’m going to look the other way so you can behave the way you want or need to, and I’ll make believe our relationship is honest and genuine (even though I know our collusive behaviors are inappropriate and self-destructive.) AND, I expect you to do the same for me.”

Collusion is fraud – plain and simple s – living my own lie while, supporting you to live your lie, and vice-versa. That is, no one “shows up” in integrity or with authenticity, and they know it! Repeat. They know it! On a deeper level, collusion obscures the “real-ness” of each person and phonies up the so-called honesty with which they relate to one another. It’s tap dancing around one another’s personal elephants in the room.

Flavors of collusion
There are various flavors of collusion. Generally, collusion can appear as:

• Giving up one’s honesty and authenticity in order to get something in return.
• “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”-type motives for interacting.
• Going along to get along: engaging in denial or “turning a blind eye” to others’ questionable activities with the expectation they will do the same for you at some point.
• One hand washing the other: building up a store of tacit, mutual “IOUs.”

People collude when they pledge loyalty to an unscrupulous or incompetent leader, manager, colleague, friend, neighbor, spouse, partner or relative – when they turn a blind eye to the inappropriate behaviors of others in an effort to feel safe with one another, “making believe” all is well.

People collude in order to feel appreciated and “seen” – the foundation of many dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships.  Denials notwithstanding.

For example
People collude when they share information with a select few and create a clique – in order to feel special, or be accepted as part of the “in” group. They feel acknowledged at being “chosen.”

People collude when they gang up on another through bullying, sarcasm, or gossiping – in order to experience a (false) sense of connection and camaraderie with their co-conspirators.

Folks collude when they withhold honest and forthright comments about inappropriate behavior because they fear alienating another or being ostracized in some way.  Resisting the truth and “making believe” another’s behavior is acceptable, colluders play the game of mutual acceptance while perpetuating a phony relationship based on false respect.

Why?
Everyone – everyone – experiences some sense of deficiency. It’s part of the human condition. Just about everyone harbors some real or perceived notion they are not “good enough” or are lacking or deficient in some way. So, facing our innate sense of deficiency, we have two choices:

• We can choose to face our sense of insecurity honestly, ignoring our underlying temptation to collude. Taking this approach requires conscious steps to act authentically and honestly, and sidestep any urge to be a fake and a phony. It means resisting the temptation to “go along to get along” with others who aren’t taking a line of integrity, authenticity and sincerity.
• We can “play games” with others and ignore, deny, or resist the truth, ignoring “the elephants in the room.” Here, we put on blinders, censor our words, refuse to hear what needs to be heard, say what needs to be said, trim our actions to convenience, and tell whatever lies are necessary – always hoping that our state of denial will keep the emotional peace (my own and others’) though at the price of perpetuating an insincere, co-dependent, and dysfunctional relationship.

Collusion hurts
Collusion is lying to protect our own and another’s fragile ego at the expense of speaking the truth and acting with integrity and self-responsibility. Collusion is a progressive drug that leads one to engage in deeper and deeper levels of lying and fakery.

Colluders need to lie and deceive themselves and others more and more to sustain their false sense of emotional safety. As a result, colluders live in a constant state of vigilance, preoccupied with whether they will be “found out” and have their false façade penetrated. Colluders are consistently preoccupied worrying whether their co-colluder(s) will be “outed” leaving them to face the unpleasantness, even terror, of being “found out” themselves one day.

Colluding is exhausting – demanding an inordinate amount of physical, emotional, and psychic energy. It demands continually shoring up fake and phony relationships that have no real foundation except that of mutual convenience. Like all lying, collision demands constantly remembering which particular lies you are currently telling – with the additional burden of recalling the other person’s lies as well. It is corrosive to head, heart, and soul.

The antidote
Honesty, happiness, and true friendship most often appear as the top responses to the question, “What’s really important to you in relationship?” You can’t collude and expect to find real, meaningful, sincere and authentic connection with another – at work, at home (yes, even at home; sometimes, especially at home), or at play. Acting as if you can itself demands collusion.

The simplest approach to ridding oneself of the need to collude is twofold:

• To seek understanding of the reasons (and excuses) why you refuse to tell your self and others the truth.
• To set your intention on complete honesty, even if it would be easier to take the low road of lying and deception.

The truth will set you free: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically. Telling the truth allows you to show up authentically and with integrity in an honest, sincere, and self-responsible way. Telling the truth is the only real way to experience a life of real happiness and self-fulfillment, and to experience deep and true relationships with others – to dance through life in lightness and freedom, rather than continually tap dancing around all those looming, invisible elephants.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• If you have a tendency to collude, what are some of ways you do it?
• Do others collude with you by telling you only what they think you want/need to hear? Why do they do this? Is it for some benefit � or for fear of how you might react?
• Do you find yourself lying and being phony to maintain specific relationships? Why?
• What keeps you from telling the truth? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to hide?
• How do you feel when you’re in a situation where you know you’re colluding (i.e. giving to get, going along to get along, etc.)?
• What’s “right” about colluding? What does colluding get you? Is there another way to get that result without colluding?
• Did you experience forms of collusion as you were growing up? How so?

————————————–
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that ‘thing’ is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering