The Benefit of the Doubt

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Have you ever noticed that when you make an error, mess up or miscalculate, you tend to point to some environmental, organizational, situational or life factor as an excuse? In other words, it’s not your fault. It’s not about you. It’s not your own character that’s at fault. But on the other hand, when someone else messes up, how often do you find some character flaw in them you assume caused them to behave in the way they did?

What’s operating here is a dynamic called the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). In essence, the FAE says that when we judge the actions of other people, we tend to focus on their personality, values, motives or attitudes while discounting their immediate situation or life circumstances as a reason for their behavior. We assume that we “know” the other person and then judge them on that basis, ignoring the broader context which may be influencing them.

Consider these situations.

• On the way out of the building, I pass a co-worker and say “hi.” She acts like she doesn’t even see me, eyes down, nary a word. I assume she’s thoughtless, self-absorbed, unfriendly or even an absent-minded jerk.
• My partner returns home after work and immediately goes to his computer. Not a “hello” or even a glance, just a bee-line movement past me to rush online. I choose to make a judgment about how disrespectful and uncaring he is.

In both circumstances, I have made judgments and assumptions that point to the other’s personality or character on the basis that I “know” them and what’s going on in their life.

What I don’t know
In the first example, the individual just learned her seventeen-year-old son was in a car accident and has been rushed to hospital in critical condition. In the second, my partner was told at 4:45 pm there was a chance he would be let go next week and he should check his email tonight for further information (unavailable when he was at the office) about the company’s possible next steps.

The important question is why it seldom occurs to us that someone may be “otherwise engaged” in deep thought or reflection based on some challenging life circumstance or event.

The point here is to be self-aware, conscious of the degree to which so much of our habitual and patterned behaviors – and especially our interactions with others – are driven by ego, judgment and reactivity.

The Antidote to the FAE
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg observed that “when we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.”

One way to understand the FAE phenomena is to be curious about how we view and connect with others, be it at work or at home. What is the “frame” or context within which we relate to others?

Try this exercise:
Imagine three walls. On one there are ten framed pictures (all ten are the same picture) of the individual in the first situation above. On the second wall there are ten similar pictures of your partner and on the third wall, ten of yourself. Under each frame is a blank label.

Next, label each individual in the pictures in any way you wish – with a word, or short phrase.

When done, consider the labels, including those you pinned on yourself. How many of the labels reflect a “task-orientation” and how many reflect a “person-orientation”? How many reflect an objective, impersonal, functional, role-playing or positional orientation? How many reflect a subjective, heart-felt, personal or human orientation?

Who’s judging – and the benefit of the doubt
These labels provide insight into what’s operating in us when we judge others. When we come from an impersonal, officious or “business-like” orientation, (or even at home with our partners or spouses, or our personal friends), we’re more inclined to be harsh, objective and judgmental.

On the other hand, when we come from a heart-felt, subjective and personal orientation, it’s often easier to be more conscious of our reactivity and so more willing to relate to someone as a person rather than a function. And it’s easier, too, to give others the benefit of the doubt without making assumptions about their character, attitudes, values or motives. If we accept that we don’t know chapter and verse about someone else (even our closest friends or loved ones), we are much less likely to judge them and much more likely to accept that their life circumstances and context can affect their behavior. Without assumptions and inferences, we are already on the way to becoming more empathic, compassionate and accepting.

Why the FAE is our default mode
Simple. It’s easier (and less scary) to judge others than it is to get to know ourselves. Judging others lets us off the hook of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-management. Judging others’ motives and values allows us to forego looking at the truth of the values and motives that underpin our own behaviors and attitudes.

What’s more, because we don’t know (and/or don’t care) about what’s really going on in someone else’s life, we find it easier to focus on the person, rather than their context, assuming, comparing and criticizing based on what we think we know about them.

Native Americans approach the FAE in this way: “Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”

Another way of looking at it is that everyone is in Chapter Three of their life. No one knows what transpired in Chapters One and Two. You are no different. Similarly, when they get up the morning, no-one says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” So don’t assume you know their motives for acting.

When you approach life with integrity and authenticity, you are much more likely to forego the FAE trap and avoid prejudge others. Show up in that frame of mind and acceptance, forgiveness, empathy and understanding will soon follow.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Am I prone to inferring what I think is motivating another to act negatively?
• When I behave inappropriately, do I usually try to justify my negative behavior?
• Do I own my negative actions?
• Do I ever consider how I’d behave if I were in another’s moccasins?
• Am I willing to consider unseen causes for another’s negative behavior?
• Can I be compassionate toward others who behave inappropriately?
• Am I generally judgmental about others? What does that get me?
• Is there someone on my team or in my family about whom I can be less judgmental, and more understanding?
• Am I a master of the art form of blame?
• How do I feel when someone judges me without understanding my life context?

 

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(c) 2014, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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Professional Relationships – What’s Missing?

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A few years back, here in the United States, Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) was one of a long line of high-profile figures in politics, business, sports, arts and entertainment, law and the like who have fallen from grace as the result of personal relationship issues. Jenny Sanford, is another. Alabama Governor, Robert Bentley is more recent (March 2016).  This intrigues me.

Professional vs. Personal

We’re surrounded by people who possess the social skills required to create professional relationships. They are great at relating to their peers, their bosses, their clients, their mentors, their coaches, their followers and their stakeholders, but when it comes to personal relationships with spouses, partners and close friends – there is no “there” there. In fact, they fail miserably when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy, conscious, loving and intimate relationships.

The curious thing is that many of these people have all the “right stuff.” They come from “good stock,”, attended the “right” schools, played all the “in” sports, engaged in the “acceptable” and revered extracurricular activities, pledged the “right” sororities and fraternities, and received the undergraduate, graduate and post-graduate degree(s)-du-jour accompanied by all the accolades that now line their walls.

Part of the climb

But on the way up, they also learned how to be egotistical, narcissistic and arrogant. They wear their successes as coats of arms on their sleeves. In their chosen professional fields, they paid their dues, moved up the ranks, and climbed the ladder of success by cultivating the relationships they needed to support them to achieve whatever it is their ego-driven desires needed to achieve – be it power, rank, status, control or recognition. To be honest, they knew their stuff; they knew their craft.

Adept at cultivating relationships, they used their tools: false modesty, false intimacy, false trust, cloudy transparency, fake vulnerability, fake charisma, insincere charm, forced gracefulness and the like.

The downside – their dark side – is their narcissism, their consistent need to be “on,” to play the role, to always be in the limelight, to wield their power, to be in control, to be the center of the Universe.

When it hits

Then, it hits – sometimes subtly, sometimes not so-subtly. One day they wake up and they feel alone. They experience feelings of loneliness and deficiency and a reality that “the game is up” – their mask, worn thin, is disintegrating. Their personality costume covers but a skeleton. They begin to experience sadness, depression, self-loathing and self-pity.

They discover they really don’t know who they are. At home with their partners, at play with their friends, in their life (outside of work), they stumble, feel disoriented, disconnected and ungrounded. They feel like a stranger – emotionally distant, incapable of forging deeper, heart-felt and loving intimacy.

They experience estrangement from their spouses or partners, distance from their loved ones, and often end up engaging in superficial affairs – online and off – one-night stands. Their grasp for connection is uncomfortable and clunky; they seek a deeper self that has alluded them. They have no idea who they are.

Looking for…what?

What they’re searching for, longing for, really, is their True and Authentic Self – long lost and abandoned. Along the way, they gave up their need for true and real friendship, for true and real relationship, for true and real connection – all for the sake of ego-driven needs for control, recognition, power and security.

They created, then lived out, their fantasies that shored up their egos, but never supported their deeper relationships. They created and lived their fantasies focused on a superficial, fake and phony persona.

So now, lost, lonely and unhappy, they don’t know where to turn.

In the end, the person they’re really seeking, is “inside.” That’s where their True, Real and Authentic Self resides – the Self that knows, understands and thrives on honest, sincere, healthy and self-responsible relationships.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you know people who play a role more often than they show up as their and real self?
• How about you, how do you feel you show up in relationship?
• Do you have a need to be in the limelight? What if you can’t fulfill that need?
• Do your self-images revolve around some aspects of sex, power, recognition or control?
• Does your moral compass ever deviate from True North? When? Why?
• Have you ever “used” people to get ahead? How so?
• Is there a gap between the level of closeness or connection between you and your spouse/partner? If so, why?
• Do you ever feel unhappy about your love relationships? How are you contributing to that unhappiness?
• Have your loving relationships grown over the last year or two. If not, why not?
• Have your friendships deepened over the last year or two? If not, why not?
• Do you invest in your relationships and friendships? Do you take them for granted?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Moving Beyond Procrastination

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

We’re all familiar with the feelings. Why do I constantly put things off? Why don’t I do the things I’m supposed to do but don’t really want to? Why do I always seem to be forcing myself to do things? How do I move beyond procrastination?

Procrastination doesn’t exist in a vacuum: there’s normally something underlying it. Asking yourself the following questions – and spending some conscious time reflecting on your responses – can help you uncover why you’re resisting doing what needs to be done and help you to move beyond procrastination.

1. What is your self-talk like? What are the thoughts that support your resistance to taking action? Are they positive and supporting, or limiting and self-sabotaging? Could moving to thoughts of joy, appreciation and gratitude support an energy shift allowing you to take action?

2. Is lack of energy the problem What is your level of energy like, overall? Do you experience lows, lethargy, laziness and staleness after eating certain foods or drinking certain liquids? Begin to explore your relationship to food and drink and your resulting energy and moods. Do you feel blocked, lacking, low?

When energy is blocked, there is usually some disequilibrium among mind, body and spirit. Movement which supports the flow of energy (such as Yoga and Tai Chi) can restore balance and energy.

3. Are you feeling depressed? You might want to have a physical exam and ask for a professional opinion to explore the possibility of a deeper malaise that may be affecting you.

4. Do you have competing commitments? There may be something you value more than the task you are resisting. This competing commitment is often fear-based.

As an example, a self-employed entrepreneur was resisting organizing her office and work environment. When she inquired into her resistance, by journaling deeply into it, she discovered that, when she completed the organization of her space, her next goal would need to be to focus on her business. She was fearful about taking next steps towards growth – putting herself “out there.” Unsure about her skills, abilities and capacities, she resisted moving forward. Her competing commitment was to maintain the status quo and do nothing, to resist and procrastinate.

Try asking yourself what might be something you are valuing more than the task at hand.

5. Are you acting out some childhood resistance? Suppose you were brought up to believe that “neatness counts” or “you must always be organized.” You might, as an adult, rebel against what was imposed on you by not keeping an organized living or work space. It’s important to look underneath the resistance to inquire about existing beliefs that are driving you to procrastinate.

Many folks procrastinate in order to maintain a positive self-image and be “good,” especially in ways they were taught as children. By procrastinating, they exonerate themselves from potential blame if something goes wrong or does not work out as they hope or plan. They may spend an inordinate amount of time rationalizing dysfunctional behaviors, but the truth is that they are resisting “failure” in some way, shape or form.

Resistance may show up in any of these behaviors and attitudes:

• Ignorance: “I didn’t know I was supposed to do that” (It’s not my fault).
• Skill deficiency: “I don’t know how to do it properly” (I’m afraid to try in case I fail).
• Apathy: “It really doesn’t make any difference” or “No one really cares” (Poor me) or “I’m not in the mood” (My emotions are blocking any progress).
• Fixed habits and patterns: “I’ve always done it this way” (Change frightens me) or “I work better under pressure” (I’ll do it when I’m really forced, because that is the only thing that can overcome my fear of failure).
• Inertia: “I just can’t seem to get started” (I’m too frightened I’ll fail, so doing nothing feels like the only way out).
• Frail memory: “I just forgot” (It’s not my fault, even if didn’t do anything to remind myself).
• Physical problems: “I was sick” (I usually am when faced with something I don’t want to do, because it gets me off the hook).
• Perfectionism: “I can’t get started as it won’t be perfect” (I was taught to believe that nothing less than perfection is acceptable).

Asking yourself questions like these can support you to get to grips with your procrastination and uncover what’s at the root of your inaction. By staying with your responses and inquiring deeply into them, you can raise your level of awareness about the nature of your resistance, then take action to move forward, reducing or eliminating the root causes of your resistance.

So next time you feel the pull of procrastination, ask yourself this: what are benefits of completing a task versus the benefits of procrastinating? Delve deeper by adding these additional questions:

• What will happen if I do this?
• What won’t happen if I do this?
• What will happen if I don’t do this?
• What won’t happen if I don’t do this?

Reflect (deeply, sincerely and self-responsbly) on your responses and align with the energy and positivity of doing the right thing, while visualizing successful completion. That’s probably all it takes to become a “doer” on a consistent basis.

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Character – Do You Have It?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

I run along a main road most mornings and past a side street on the right that cuts through a winding residential neighborhood. The side street is a shortcut to another through-street and saves a good half-mile if you know about it. But there is a big sign just before this side street that says: “No right-hand turn between 7:00 and 9:00 am.” You can’t miss it.

From time to time, I stop and pause here to watch what happens during this time period. Last time I did this, for 15 minutes on a weekday between 7:40 and 7:55 am, eleven cars came by. Eight ignored the sign and made the right turn.

What piques my curiosity is what these folks are thinking (assuming they are), as they make the right turn. I’m sure we all can muse about their reasons, excuses, stories, rationalizations and justifications.

Character
One definition of character is who you are at 4:00 am in the dark when no one is watching. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.”

How we are in the world – at work, at home, even while driving, is a reflection of our character, or lack of it.

Character is a type of internal guideline, a moral compass that operates 24/7, 365 – a compass that one cannot tinker with to change its bearings or setting. It always points to true north. Always. A flawed character has been tinkered with, like fooling with the odometer of an automobile, to give it the “appearance” of authenticity.

What muddies character?
In a word, pride. An inordinate sense of self-esteem often morphs into hubris, an exaggerated sense of self-confidence. When we become immersed in a sense of pride or hubris, we become separated from our true self. And when we separate from our true self, we abdicate responsibility for accepting responsibility for how we live our life.

When we abdicate responsibility for how we live our life, we lose our sense of self-respect. And when we lose our sense of self-respect, it follows we lose respect for life – so rules of right conduct, right living and right relationship cease to matter; rules don’t apply to me.

The Buddha writes: “…the thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of all concern for all beings- as the shadow follows the body, what we think, so we become.”

When our pride – our ego – is in charge, our “thinking” often becomes warped and self-centered and our character suffers. Over time, as our character suffers, so does our reputation and we become known as one whose orientation to life and work is self-serving, egocentric and uncaring about others. We do what we need to do to “get by.” It’s all about “ME!”

From this place, it is easy to circumvent the rules, ignore principles of right living, and right loving, and assume inappropriate, and perhaps even illegal behaviors, with the justification that it’s okay “as long as I don’t get caught”.

The one and the many
So, that’s one person – perhaps me. But what happens when this one person, lacking true character, becomes ten, then 100, then more?

The strength of a team or an organization, is represented by its character, the character of its people (think Enron, AIG, WorldCom). What happens when a team loses its character? It begins to atrophy, to become dysfunctional, to engage in in-fighting and sabotage. It loses its way. The one and the many suffer. It’s character has become corrupted.

Character is a reflection of moral purpose, or the lack of it, and reflects those classes of things that an individual, or group, or team either chooses or avoids. That is, one’s character is constructed from what one does, or does not do.

Character and values
There are basic principles of effective living – honoring and respecting others, thinking rationally, helping others succeed, listening with our heart, collaborating and cooperating, protecting the environment around us, seeing the meaning and value of work, treating others with respect and acting with compassion, integrity, justice and fairness.

Having true character means integrating these principles into how we live our life, even at 4:00 a.m. when no one is watching. Character is determined by how closely we choose to allow our value system to integrate into our lives – in every moment.

The foundations of character are integrity and courage. Once we become dishonest, even when no one is watching, then we lose all sense of character. Then, mistrust, lying, and deception define who we are. The toothpaste is out of the tube. Once we compromise our values, it is well-nigh impossible to regain or re-establish our reputation, credibility or integrity.

In the end, moral shortcuts, cutting corners, and “turning right at 7:45 am” will always – always – find a way to catch up. The Universe insures there is always payback for inappropriate and indecent behavior. It’s called Karma and it’s your choice.

Blaming and excuses
“But, I’m late for work.” “I didn’t see the sign.” “I had a spat with my spouse and was distracted.” “A friend said it would be OK.” “I have an important meeting to get to.”

Blaming and deflecting self-responsibility are art forms in our culture. Only now we’re using the adult form of “my dog ate my homework.” It doesn’t wash. Our obsession with blaming and excuse-making is simply an indication of how we’ve become a nation of narcissists, victims and adult-children.

Emotionally and spiritually mature adults are self-responsible, make conscious choices, and do the right thing. As Helen Douglas said, ” Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action.”

Every one of us faces issues and challenges every day � some complex, some simple � at work, at home, at play, in relationship, even on the road. Our character is tested when we make split-second decisions and choices about what to do, and not do, and why.

So, practically, or metaphorically, when you come upon the sign that says, “No right turn between 7:00 and 9:00 am,” and it’s 7:45 am, where is your character?

Some questions for self-reflection

• What matters to you?
• What stops you from acting in integrity?
• What do you most want in life?
• “Do the right thing” vs. “do things right” � which drives your everyday actions?
• Do you believe you have character? What would your colleagues, friends, spouse or neighbors say?
• Have you lied, cheated or stolen recently? What was your rationalization or justification? How about running a stop sign?
• Do you use a different measuring stick to judge your inappropriate behavior from others’ inappropriate behaviors?
• Who are you at 4:00 am in the dark when no one can see you?
• When did you first know you had character?
• What was “character” like in your family as you were growing up?
• Can you visualize a world where everyone operates with character?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that �thing� is�maybe you don�t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering