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Monthly Archives: February 2017

Are You Secure In Your Own Skin?

16 Thursday Feb 2017

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

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fear

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Everyone experiences insecurity in some way, shape or form – everyone. Our insecurity leaks out at home, at work, at play and in relationship. Think, for a moment, about times, events or circumstance in which you feel, or have felt, that tinge of insecurity – holding a newborn, wondering about committing to a relationship, making a speech, speaking up, or out, thinking about growing old, buying a first house, re-marrying, divorcing, reflecting on your managing ability or technical skills, playing a sport or musical instrument, considering your educational background, your family or social standing and the like.

Insecurity is fear-based.
Experience tells us most folks are, or have been, dealing with their insecurities without becoming paralyzed. During their life’s journey, they’ve taken steps to either overcome their insecurities or not allow their insecurities to be incapacitating.

On the other hand, there are those who succumb to their fear, their insecurity. They allow themselves to be taken over by their negative, self-limiting, and self-defeating, internal scripts. These folks make a habit of feeling like a victim, blaming everyone and everything for their insecurities – their bosses, co-workers, families, the weather, politicians, their spouses, partners, friends and neighbors.

A major downside of this latter group, the negative folks, is how they impact and infect others. Consider the following:

Insecure folks want and need control.
Feeling insecure and, thus, “small” and “invisible,” they search for and seek out opportunities that will show them to be brilliant, significant, and important, i.e., be “somebody.” They refuse to collaborate, delegate or support others to grow and develop. They cannot bring themselves to coach or mentor others. Their ego is driving.

Insecure folks are afraid of change.
These individuals prefer the status quo to trying something new. They live in the “not invented here” part of their life’s landscape. Taking risks, stretching or exploring new ways of being, or doing things is threatening and fear-making. Risk or change is not a part of the equation.

Insecure folks avoid embarrassment.
They just “cannot fail.” How would they be perceived if they did fail? Insecure folks avoid failing or the appearance of failing in any way. They abhor being seen as stupid or “incompetent” in front of anyone.

Insecure folks are “silent” folks.
They play it close to the vest, or blouse. They fear disclosing anything personal about themselves. They prefer small talk, gossip, and conversation that is desultory, superficial and not very deep.

Insecure folks often associate with others who are not a threat.
Insecure folks need to feel wanted and needed, to feel important and superior. They prefer to hang around the less-talented so they don’t have to compete or be threatened or embarrassed by someone “smarter or better.”

Insecure folks perpetuate insecurity.
Insecure folks view others in their world according to the mantra, “I need you to be like me.” They thrive on insecurity and so create an environment of fear, over-thinking and over-analyzing, being constantly suspicious and vigilant creating an environment that is characterized by a low-grade-fever-type of agitation that permeates their home, work and social environments.

While insecure individuals are often successful in the short term, they usually wind up derailing or stalling, but not before they damage and seriously affect their relationships at home, at work or at play.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Reflecting honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly, do you sense you have one or more insecurities that affect your relationship or behaviors with your spouse/partner, parents, children, co-workers, bosses, friends…?
  • What might be a good first (baby) step to explore and deal with your insecurity?
  • Do you have a trusted friend with whom you can open up and talk about your deepest insecurities?
  • Would you colleagues, your friends, your spouse or partner say you have a need for control, recognition or security that results in your usually being in some state of insecurity?
  • Have others tugged on your sleeve about your insecurity? How did that make you feel?
  • Would you describe your primary caregivers as a child as generally secure or insecure?

(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Meddling – The Butterfly and The Cocoon

03 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by pvajda2013 in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

cocoon

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Meddling
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“The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, the whole being listens. Then there is a direct grasp of what is right there that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.” Chuang-Tzu, Chinese philosopher

In essence, the more we listen to what is going on inside our self, the better we understand what is happening outside. The more apt we are to allow the other to just be present in their experience, and not be so ego-driven to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain or correct the other in their experience.

Believing that we have to in some way “fix” another is the paramount obstacle to being present to and with the other.

Each of us is exactly where we’re men to be on our journey. Not ahead; not behind. Exactly where we are in relationship to our personal cocoon, to the unfolding of who we are and how we are.

In our Western approach to living and to life, many of us are caught in the strong urge to fix, give advice, or reassurance and to explain, directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly “our own position” or feeling.

The Buddhist way

There is a Buddhist statement that says, “Don’t just do something; stand there.” Stand there and just “be” there, indeed.

When we’re engaged with others who are experiencing, pain or suffering in some way shape or form, what works with them, is asking ourselves, “How I can be respectful, empathic, and present?”, sensing our own body, breathing, being consciously conscious of where I am in allowing this field of experience, so that I can just “be” with this person, knowing that their experience is just as it should be, that, in fact, they do have whatever “answers” they need in this moment, i.e., their answers and their moment, not “my” answers and “my” moment.

The Butterfly and the Cocoon (anonymous)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.

So, with respect to the butterfly and the cocoon, perhaps the individual’s “kindness” and “impatience” got in the way of the butterfly’s growth and development.

Meddling

So, it’s worth thinking about how we feel the need to meddle in another’s growth and developmental experience from “our” perspective, not theirs, from our states of impatience, or knowing, being the “sage,” from our ego-driven needs to be “right,” to have the answers, knowledge, wisdom, etc.

The question underneath the question is:

Why?
Really, why?
Really, really, really, why?

There’s much more inside each of our cocoons than simply air. There’s knowledge, wisdom, insight, energy, and much opportunity for growth – in mind, body and spirit. The question is whether we have the strength and courage to stay there for a while, and learn, and be, and allow others to do so as well.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • How did/do you experience your cocoon?
  • Are you comfortable being with your own pain and suffering?
  • Do you look outside immediately for answers to your pain and suffering?
  • What is/are the message(s) or lesson(s) you’re getting from your challenge(s)? How so?
  • How do you respond/react in the face of another’s challenges?
  • Are you quick to want to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain, or correct another when they are hurting in some way?
  • Can you just “stand there?” Is that difficult for you? Be honest.
  • One a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) where would you rate yourself, generally, with respect to being (a) compassionate, (b) understanding and (c) empathic? Would your spouse/partner, child(ren), best friend, workmates, or other family members agree with you. Would you feel comfortable asking them?
  • Can you love yourself and leave yourself alone (not judge, criticize or beat yourself up) when you’re experiencing pain and suffering?
  • Can you honestly believe you’re exactly where you’re meant to be right now in your life? Why? Why not?

—————————————————–
(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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