Emotionally Intelligent and Emotionally Mature

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It’s now widely acknowledged that Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a key skill for managers and business leaders and that getting in touch with your emotions and managing them when interacting with others plays a major part in managerial effectiveness.

But despite this awareness, old habits still die hard. Even when an individual has worked to improve their emotional intelligence, they often experience a type of disconnect in real-life situations. They may have learned the concepts of EI at an intellectual level, but they still find it hard to manage their emotions or emotional reactivity and quickly revert to old, self-destructive emotional habits and patterns when certain triggers are pulled.

So why is EI so hard to embrace in our day-to-day lives?

One reason is that many people who worked on their EI have (consciously or unconsciously) failed to deal with the root causes of their emotional reactivity. They haven’t explored the deeper nature of their emotional history. This history of their emotional evolution is a prerequisite to understanding how they “futurize their past” – i.e., how they interpret the present based on their history, experiences and memories.

Without this understanding, it’s very hard to separate our present from our past – “that was then; this is now.” So we’re not able to see the present – people, places, events, circumstance and objects – as “fresh” and unencumbered by our past emotional history. We’re unable to experience the present in a positive, neutral way and so we experience many of life’s events shrouded in a mist of negativity, judgment and fear.

In other words, very few of us actually “process” our emotions. Few of us allow our emotions to just be – watching, witnessing and observing them and asking, “What are you teaching me, about me?”.

Finally, many of us choose to bury our emotions. And we ought to know that when we bury our emotions, we bury them alive. They will return to rear their ugly heads, sooner or later.

Emotional maturity
So instead of focusing on emotional intelligence, perhaps we would be better served by focusing on emotional maturity.

The difference between the two is important. Emotional maturity is not “intellectual” but refers to a higher state of self-awareness – something that lies beyond “intelligence” – where we are guided by our senses, intuition and heart.

Emotional maturity is characterized by five principles:

1. Every negative emotion we experience is a childhood emotion overlaid on a current person, circumstance, place, event or object.
2. Emotionally, many adults are 3-4-5-year-old children in adult bodies wearing adult clothes.
3. No one can make you feel a way you don’t want to feel.
4. An adult can be emotionally mature and child-like or immature and child-ish. Big difference.
5. Mindfulness, focus and presence are the keys to emotional maturity

Emotional maturity focuses on our emotional history, beginning with our interactions with our primary caregivers, extended family, teachers, friends, etc. We learn that around the age of seven, our psychological and emotional “programming” is set. Our emotional reactivity (anger, sadness, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, loneliness, etc.) that was triggered early on in life becomes stored in our cells and arises when “related” triggers pop up later in life.

Emotionally intelligent, but emotionally immature
Being emotionally mature means we seldom act out on, or suppress, our emotions.
Emotionally intelligent, but “immature,” adults are often unable to identify or manage their emotions. They usually avoid their emotions by intellectualizing, explaining, analyzing, disagreeing, attacking, flattering, joking, apologizing, evading, going silent, becoming aloof or suspicious, rejecting, criticizing or judging. They often come across as superior, arrogant, stubborn, defiant, hostile, people-pleasing, wishy-washy, phony, resentful, intolerant, self-pitying or victimized.

Because they haven’t explored their emotional development, many of them aren’t aware that they superimpose their childhood emotions on to their adult life. Their past is leaking out in the present.

In contrast, the emotionally mature adult understands that “my emotions are not me, but mine – I’m in control, not my emotions.” So they are more objective are less judgmental. They are better able to detach themselves from triggers that would normally provoke an emotional reaction. They experience states of equanimity, serenity and inner peace. Blaming others is no longer a strategy they use to make themselves feel safe.

That’s not to say that an emotionally mature individual isn’t chid-like. In fact they are often lively, excited, adventurous, joyful, happy and open. But they are also nurturing, supportive, firm, fair, helpful, respectful, self-responsible, non-judgmental, honest, sincere and focused on the well-being of themselves and of others.

The emotionally immature adult, however, is often childish, rather than child-like. They are reactive and throw tantrums. They are fearful, scared, needy, angry, resentful, pushy, bullying, jealous or envious. They can be quiet, withdrawn, defensive, argumentative or grandiose. They can come across as overbearing, micromanaging, controlling, disrespectful, fearful, angry, negative, judgmental, critical, abusive (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically), dishonest, insincere, narcissistic and focused on the self and the ego.

The most visible quality of emotional maturity is the capacity to be in the moment, to be present while being non-reactive or non-judgmental.
This “being present” supports our true and authentic self to guide us. We intuit “right knowing”, “right understanding” and “right action”. We feel our emotions without “becoming” our emotions. We grasp that the “trigger” for our reactivity may be “outside me”, but the “cause” of my emotions is within me.

So when we’re triggered, we watch, witness and observe but don’t succumb to a childish reaction. We accept our experience as it is. Practicing mindfulness, presence, focus, trust and surrender, we allow our heart and soul to push aside negativity or reactivity and bring what is needed, a considered, emotionally mature response.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you ever feel you need to change the way you respond/react emotionally to others? How so?
• How do you feel when others challenge or disagree with you, or give you feedback?
• Do you ever find yourself feeling fearful, angry or anxious? Do you know why?
• Do you ever feel afraid about exploring your emotions? Why?
• Do you consider yourself to be emotionally mature? What would others say? Would you ask them?
• How did you learn about emotions when you were growing up?

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(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

It’s all about perspective.

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“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”   Friedrich Nietzsche

Have you ever judged someone as being “off?” (read: negatively different, difficult, stupid, weird, and the like) because their behavior or their be-ing-ness didn’t conform to the way you felt it ought to conform?

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”  How often have you been tone deaf because you refused to gather enough information to possibly help you more fully understand the truth of the reality around you? The fact is there is never – ever – only one correct perspective about anyone or anything.

Understanding this truth supports us to let go of our tendency to judge, categorize and label people as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” etc. Most folks experience pain and suffering because they refuse to let go of their need to definitively judge reality – not only their reality but everyone else’s reality as well.

The truth is folks suffer least when they can accept reality just as it is – without needing to control or manipulate it.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”  Marcus Aurelius

Is the only solution your view of reality?

How often in your daily life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – do you find yourself in a situation where there’s a conflict, challenge or problem to be tackled and resolved? Or a dilemma that needs to be unbundled, or a conundrum to be clarified, or a story to be heard? And, how often in such circumstances do you dive in with your perspective (read: “my perspective which is the one, single and correct perspective”)? How often do you arrive to save the day?

In reality, how often have you jumped in with two feet and one single perspective only to learn sooner rather than later you missed the mark – i.e., you didn’t grasp the whole story, or the complete picture, or a deeper understanding of the issue?

What’s really underneath our knee-jerk need to jump in is our mind is so accustomed – in a culture of 24-hour sound bites, 140-character Tweets, IPhones, IM, and incessant demands made on our psyche by social media – to shoot from the hip, and offer opinions and judgments on the fly, and, in the process, become wrapped up in our “what-I-feel-is-the correct-perspective” approach to problem solving – i.e., viewing our preconceptions, assumptions, and judgments – as Truth.

“Listen to understand before being understood” is a principle underscored in all “effective listening” literature. Most of us say we “listen.” But, how often do we really, really listen before being understood, before reacting? Honestly?

Media made me do it

In a media-obsessed culture, many of us have become addicted to the need for immediate stimulation and interaction; our brains demand (hyper) activity. So, rather than having cultivated the capacity to exhibit patience and really, really listen, our stimulation-needy brains force us to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, i.e., our perspective – a perspective that is, more often than not, quick, simple – and wrong. Being reactive rather than responsive.

The downside of the “I have the one, quick and correct perspective” is that it usually ameliorates one’s capacity to listen, be empathic, quiet and contemplative in a sustained way in the presence of another or others – especially when the situation calls for deeper reflection and understanding.

Unfortunately, when listening is called for, many of us engage in a knee-jerk reactive response in some way, shape or form – advising, fixing, one-upping, educating, telling, training, hijacking the other’s experience, correcting, and, of course, suggesting an immediate solution, i.e., my perspective.

Unfortunately, when this happens, those across from us often feel unheard, unappreciated, invisible, angry, resentful, frustrated or attacked – anything but listened to. Not a great way to build trust, engender mutual respect, create a container of safety or cultivate conscious, healthy relationships.

The antidote to the “quick fix”

So, the next time you’re in a situation that calls for listening, perhaps don’t be so quick to reassure, give advice, or give your perspective. Rather, practice being present to the person(s) who are speaking, practice empathy to understand the other(s) more completely, breathe deeply, clear your mind and let go of all preconceived judgments and assumptions, listen with your whole being, not just your ears, to others’ feelings and needs.

In other words, in situations that call for listening, be sure you’re not one “who considers those who are dancing to be insane” because you could not hear the music.

Listen for the music.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you feel you’re a good listener? How do you know? What would your co-workers, bosses, friends, spouse, partner or family members say?
• Have you recently been told you don’t listen? What was it like to hear that?
• Are you preoccupied with electronic devices?
• Would folks say you’re often the first to jump in with a suggestion, a solution, an answer, your “perspective” – even when no one may not be asking for it?
• Do you have a reputation as one who’s always “fixing” saving or rescuing others without their asking?
• Do you ever feel unheard, unseen, invisible when speaking with others?
• Do you ever hijack or “one-up” others’ experiences?
• Would you consider yourself to be a compassionate and empathic person?
• Do you ever ask others if they feel you understood them, before you claim you did understand them?
• What one or two ways this week or next can you “listen to understand before being understood?”
• Do you feel you were consistently “seen” and “heard” as a child?—————————————————–
  (c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

  I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

  What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

  I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

  I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

When I Wake Up

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When we wake up in the morning, there is a nano-second between the moment we regain consciousness and the moment our “thinking” kicks in. In that momentary place of spaciousness, we might hear the birds communicating with one another, or smell the aroma of brewing coffee, or notice the light of the rising sun, or sense the warm body of someone a few millimeters away or just be in touch with our own body. There’s no thinking, just sensing, being aware, noticing.

For those who are familiar with practices such as focusing, contemplation, mindfulness or meditation, this nano-second can be turned into seconds, even minutes. No thinking. Just sensing, being awash in awareness. No thinking. Just being present.

Your day
Then the thinking kicks in. The day begins. But how it begins can be a curiosity. For some, the day begins with a knee-jerk jump into an electronic world. For others, it’s a meditation, or exercise, a prayer, or planning for and setting intentions for the coming day. How about you?

Here are some common or not-so-common ways to begin your day. They may resonate; they may not.

1. When you wake up, stay in bed. Breathe deeply into/from your belly. Sense your body, and notice (just notice; don’t judge) what you’re feeling. Are you happy, sad, angry, hurt, fearful, resentful, confused guilty, jealous? How do these feelings show up in your physical body? Scan your body, and breathe.

Don’t do anything. Just breathe and allow the energy of the feelings to run their course. Track the energy as it moves through your body. Don’t attach stories to the energy. Just follow the energy. Generally, the feelings/energy will melt away. Often your body’s inner wisdom will arise. Be curious. What’s the message?

2. Notice the first thought/issue that comes to you upon awakening. Is it work-related? Family related? Self-related? Track this first thought for a few days. Do you see any pattern? Be curious about the pattern. What does the pattern tell you?

3. Do you usually wake up feeling alive, refreshed, and renewed? Or are you sad, unhappy or upset, lethargic? Peaceful, calm and relaxed? Or angry, guilty or ashamed? Why? What needs to happen (or not happen) for you to wake up feeling positive, relaxed and in a state of equanimity?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• On a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high), how much do you like yourself? Do you practice loving self-care?
• Do you wake up feeling you deserve to have a pleasant or good day, a productive day, a peace-filled day?
• Do you commit to taking care of yourself during your day?
• Do you feel you’re deserving of love?
• Do you surround yourself with toxic people? Why?
• Do you spend more time and energy caring for others than you do caring for yourself?
• Are you living your life from a place of honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility?

—————————————————–
(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering