Why Is Gossip Such a Hard Habit to Quit?

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The term “workplace violence”, normally conjures up images of physical harm. But for me there’s another type of workplace violence that is just as, if not more, insidious, threatening and hurtful. That violence is verbal: workplace gossip.

I define gossip as the sort of language that results in another person experiencing pain, suffering or confusion, language that is used when that other person to whom it’s directed is not present.

Over the years, I’ve come across hundreds of workplace situations where gossip was seen as “business as usual,” part and parcel of the culture. And in many cases, the individuals involved would even claim to be “against” gossip. Hmmm.

Yet even after attending formal meetings to explore the “gossip issue,” or after sensitivity training sessions intended to reduce gossiping, or after organizational mandates that “no more gossiping will be tolerated” and even after individuals “signed the pledge” to speak openly and directly and to reduce the “gossip problem,” even after all this, a fair number of people who had apparently committed to change the culture continued to engage in gossiping.

So what is it with gossip? Why is it such a tough habit to quit?

Competing commitments
Consciously or unconsciously, most gossip is fear-based. So someone’s commitment not to gossip can be subsumed by fear, anxiety or concern about who they might become if they stopped gossiping.

For example, “If I were to stop gossiping,”

Who would I be then?
What would I do then (instead of gossiping)?
Would I no longer be “one of the guys/gals?” (the odd one out)
Would anyone still have lunch with me?
Would I lose my friends?
Would folks ostracize me as “spiritual” or some other pejorative?

People who gossip often have a disproportionate need to be seen, acknowledge, liked, wanted or accepted. They need others to feel comfortable around them, and so acquiesce when drawn into gossip. Why?

Gossiping is a protective mechanism
Stopping our self from talking about others can be very challenging, even painful. That’s because many of us have great difficulty being open and authentic or acknowledging our own vulnerability. So, instead, we focus outward.

Gossiping acts as a defense mechanism that diverts attention away from us. By putting the focus on someone else, it means we don’t have to disclose our own feelings or emotions or have to “open up” to others.

Gossiping then becomes a way of not having to reveal anything about ourselves. Most gossipers have lived life behind a mask, putting on false in order to face the world, always needing to protect themselves from showing their authenticity, their vulnerability. They feel frightened and threatened.

Do no harm
The commitment to quit gossiping is not simply a mental or intellectual choice. To behave authentically and sincerely requires an inner intention that emanates from a deep sense of integrity and real desire to do no harm in our lives.

Without this deep personal commitment, or if quitting gossip and doing no harm are perceived as policies or principles imposed on us from outside, gossipers often ten to fall off the gossip wagon. Simply making a mental choice to quit gossip isn’t enough. Like other addictions, it’s not just a mind-over-matter equation. So, at the end of the day (and throughout the day), the commitment not to gossip often dissipates rather quickly.

It’s an inside-out proposition
Unless we’re aware of the nature of our perceptions, our orientation to the world and the people in it, the nature of our judgments of others and the underlying nature of our emotions, we’ll be challenged to resist the urge to gossip.

To free ourselves from the pernicious and insidious effects of gossiping and to free ourselves from inflicting harm upon others, we need to explore and heal the split between our outer and inner selves. Only then can we live honest, sincere and gossip-free lives.

Some Questions for Self-Reflection:   

• Why do I engage in gossiping or support others who do?
• What does gossiping get me? How so?
• Is there another way to get the same result without harming others?
• Does gossiping align with my personal values around respecting others?
• Would I repeat gossip I hear or generate directly to the person it’s about?
• Would I want to be quoted on TV or in the company newsletter?
• Would I encourage my children to gossip?
• Would I engage in gossiping it if it were about a relative or personal friend?
• Am I expressing my authenticity and integrity when I gossip?
• Do I feel ethical when I’m gossiping? Do I care?
• Have I ever been the target of gossip? What was that like?
• What was my experience around gossip when I was growing up?
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  (c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

  What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

  I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

  I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Collusion, Culture and Bad Management

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In my mind, there are only two reasons (but lots of excuses) why managers behave unethically or inappropriately. Either they are unable to behave ethically or appropriately, or they are unwilling to do so.

The antidote for number one?
Provide requisite, specific knowledge and hands-on experiential training. The follow-up in both the short- and long-term is to check that the message has gotten through and that appropriate behavior is now “business as usual” — and if it isn’t, ensure that the consequences are severe.

The antidote for number two?
Well, that’s a bit more complicated. When someone has the requisite knowledge and skills but still decides to ignore them, what’s going on?

One possibility is the individual has chosen to behave otherwise because they fear that behaving ethically or appropriately will result in some personal loss — be it loss of friendships, loss or prestige, loss of a bonus, loss of control, loss of recognition or loss of security (mentally, physically, emotionally or psychologically), or, perhaps, even the loss of their job.

It’s not unusual for a manager to behave unethically or inappropriately of their own accord when driven, consciously or unconsciously, by these sorts of fears.

Another possibility is that a manager may choose to behave unethically or inappropriately because there is a tacit “unwritten rule” that such behavior is acceptable. This tacit agreement is known as collusion and often exists where there is a culture or subculture of collusion.

Collusion takes hold when two (or more) individuals co-opt their values and ethics to support their own – and others’ – mis-deeds. Allowing another’s collusion, by omission or commission, is a mis-deed! Think enabler.

When colluding or enabling collusion, we allow ourselves and others to engage in unethical or inappropriate (not to mention potentially self-destructive) behaviors in order to gain acceptance, approval, recognition or security and to feel emotionally and psychologically safe.

Collusion is saying (but not out loud), “I’m going to let you behave the way you want or need to so I can feel good about our relationship even though I know my behavior and your behavior are unethical, inappropriate, self-destructive, and out of integrity.”

Collusion is behavior we commonly associate with “fraud.” Workplace collusion is fraudulent as one is living a lie and supporting another to live his or her lie. Colluding is “fraud” on a deeper level as it relates to who we are and how we conduct our relationships with others. Think integrity.

What Does Collusion Look Like?
In the everyday working world, there are various flavors of collusion. General expressions or behaviors that reflect collusion are: “giving to get,” “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours,” “going along to get along” and “one hand washing the other.”

We collude when we support and pledge allegiance to an unethical or incompetent leader, manager, supervisor, direct report or co-worker so we both can feel emotionally safe with each other. If I collude, the other(s) will appreciate my support and feel seen and I’ll experience his/her appreciation, which allows me to feel seen and accepted or be “OK” in some way in this unethical and inappropriate (dysfunctional or co-dependent) relationship.

We collude when we share insider information with only a select few so we’ll be viewed as caring about them and they will feel they’re special. When we collude with them, we feel in control, and secure; they feel acknowledged that we chose them. We are being duplicitous, self-deceptive and inappropriate in our actions of giving and receiving. Think narcissist or hypocrite.

We collude when we verbally gang up on a third party through bullying, sarcasm, or gossiping, experiencing a false sense of connection and camaraderie with our co-colluder at the expense of the third party.

We collude when we withhold honest and forthright comments about inappropriate behavior in a feedback session for fear of alienating another whose work we respect. By resisting the truth, and perpetuating another’s false belief that their behavior is acceptable, we “play the game” of mutual respect while perpetuating our phony relationship of mutual “like.”

Why Do We Collude?
Collusion is about lying to protect our oft-fragile egos instead of showing up in integrity. The curiosity is why we collude.

We all experience a degree of deficiency — some more, some less. We all sense we are not “enough” or are lacking in some way. It’s the human condition. However, we have two options in dealing with our sense of lack or deficiency:

1. We can choose to “work” on our colluding to understand it and our underlying motives for colluding, and take conscious steps to effectively reduce and eliminate it so we can show up authentically, in integrity, sincerely and self-responsibly. Or,

2. We can deceive ourselves and ignore, deny, and resist telling the truth, hoping to keep our relationship with our self and with others emotionally intact. We ignore “the elephants in the room,” wearing blinders to what needs to be done said, heard, felt and seen – hoping that denial will “keep the emotional peace” and perpetuate the co-dependent or dysfunctional relationship.

The Basic Problem with Collusion
Collusion is a progressive drug. We need to lie and collude more and more to maintain the false feeling of emotional safety. When we collude, we are ever “vigilant,” fearful with whether we will be “found out.” We are constantly worried and concerned whether our co-colluder(s) will have a “conversion,” fearing we’ll be “outed.”

So colluding is exhausting, requiring an inordinate amount of physical, emotional and psychic energy, continually shoring up relationships that have no true foundation built on trust or truth.

The Antidote for Collusion
Colluding is corrosive to one’ head, heart and soul. The antidote is twofold: to seek understanding of the reasons (excuses) why we refuse to tell our self and others the truth, and then set our intention to tell the truth when often we would rather resist.

Truth-telling requires empathy, compassion, acceptance and courage. Behaving appropriately is freeing – emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically. Behaving ethically and appropriately allows us to show up authentically, honestly and in integrity. Behaving ethically and appropriately is the only way to experience true and real relationships with others.

From a workplace research perspective, meaning, happiness, and true friendship most often appear as the top responses to the research question, “What’s really important to you at work?”

Mary C. Gentile, in “Giving Voice to Values: How to Speak Your Mind When You Know What’s Right,” says: “One of the most powerful lenses through which to view values in the workplace – and one of the most powerful sources of the strength and confidence to act on those values – is the lens of self knowledge. A knowledge of oneself allows the crafting and embracing of a desired self-image. Managers at all levels in their firms report that a significant enabler of values-based action is the clarity, commitment and courage that is born of acting from our true center, finding alignment between who we already are and what we say and do.”

Think internal coherence and integrity. Most folks say they want to experience “meaning” in their work, to behave appropriately and ethically, and align their life at work in the direction of “True North.” Yet, many of these same folks find themselves conflicted every day — their values, ideals and expectations up against those of the organization.

Simple, but not easy – you can’t collude and expect to find real meaning, real happiness and real relationships at work. Thinking you can is the epitome of collusion and self-deception.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What keeps you from telling the truth at work? Are you afraid to tell the truth? How so?
• Do you collude? If so, in what ways?
• Do you find yourself lying and being phony to maintain specific relationships?
• Do others collude with you, not tell you what they think you need to hear, for fear of how you might react?
• How do you feel in the moment when you know you are colluding?
• What’s “right” about colluding? What does colluding get you? Is there another way to get that result without colluding?
• When and how were you first introduced to the notion of colluding? How old were you? What was going on? How did you feel about that experience?

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(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

 

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering