Regaining Inner Peace

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I’m going to suggest some ways to find, or regain, inner peace. But, before I do, here are some “symptoms” that can tug on our sleeve, indicating we have, in fact, lost our sense of inner peace.

1.    I move through my day rather frenetically, often inattentive of the activities in which I’m engaged.
2.    I discover, after the fact, emotions that were driving my thoughts, words or actions earlier.
3.    I’m continuously bumping into things, losing things, dropping things and being careless.
4.    I find it challenging to be focused on the present moment.
5.    I often feel “off,” “out of it,” or disoriented.
6.    When I’m walking, or headed to a meeting or other event, place or location, I’m more focused on getting there and unaware of my experiences along the way.
7.    I’m unaware of physiological sensations of tension or upset until they become overwhelming.
8.    I have lots of difficulty remembering people’s names when I meet them for the first time.
9.    I’m very “robotic” (unaware) in the way I have moved to my day.
10. I listen, but I don’t hear.
11. I spend a fair amount of my time during the day living in the past or the future.
12. I sometimes find myself doing something without being able to remember why I’m doing it.
13. I eat with a “mechanical hand” – food to mouth, food to mouth without really consciously engaging in my eating experience.
14. I sometimes have difficulty remembering what I read right after I read it.
15. The calm and balance I used to experience is now very elusive.

Stress

There’s no question stress is affecting many of us, and it seems to greater and greater degrees as we move forward in our lives – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Inner peace

The underlying theme running through inner peace is simply that “all is well with the world.” In this place, nothing or no one can sap our physical or psycho/emotional strength, make us angry, upset, jealous, fearful, sad, or the like.

The fact is, each one of us has access to inner peace – it’s inside us, it’s always been inside us. The question is, “What separates us from that inner peace?” So, to make it more personal, right here and right now, take a deep breath or two into your belly, relax as best you can, sense your feet on the floor and, if you’re sitting, sense your back against the chair and allow the chair to support you, and ask yourself this question, “What is separating me, right here and right now, from the inner peace that I know is inside me?”

Be open, allowing and accepting and seeing what arises – without judgment, without criticism. Just be curious. What comes up for you? Tell the truth.

In essence, inner peace is a state where you are separate from your thoughts. Simple. But, not easy, right? Inner peace is a state where we’re less externally focused and more internally focused. “Inside” is where peace, equanimity, calm, happiness, etc. rest – not “out there.” You cannot create externally what you want to experience internally. This bears repeating – you cannot create externally what you want to experience internally.

Letting go

What would it take for you to let go of the externals (people, places, circumstances, events – past, present and future) and “be” right here and right now?

It’s not about thinking

The challenge is, “thinking” can’t get us there. While the neo-cortex (thinking, rational, logical, executive) part of the brain is powerful, it alone cannot get us to the place where we experience inner peace.

Other ways in

Moving into the right brain (e.g., the insula) and into the body is what allows us to access inner peace. For many folks meditation is the way in. But, it’s not the only way. Many folks don’t have the discipline or desire to meditate. And, that’s OK. Research tells us there are many “real world” and practical ways to get there. Here are some:

-Smile and/or laugh
-Spend time with an animal
-Spend time in nature, watch the clouds; just look out your window and see what you see.
-Do something kind for someone (and it doesn’t have to be on the “quantum” level)
-Take a 30-second break at various times throughout your day to be by yourself and just breathe (no need to make anything happen – just breathe) or stretch (not “gym” stretching, but kind, gentle, relaxed stretching) and be curious.
-Look around the room (or area, if you outside) and name the objects you see – no agenda here, no making anything happen, no judgment, just name what you see, while breathing gently.
-Use “touch points” – at various times throughout the day. When you touch something, e.g., An eating utensil, a doorknob, a computer mouse, a toothbrush and the like, notice where you are, how you’re feeling and what you’re doing – without judgment or criticism. Just notice. And, breathe.
-Notice five things in your day that you take for granted – that go unnoticed or are unappreciated – and be curious what life would be like for you not to have these things, or notice their fine details, or notice how these things benefit you, etc. No judgment. And, breathe.
-Scan your body. Starting at the top of your head and moving down through your body, pay attention to the physical feelings and sensations. Don’t judge them as good or bad, don’t try to change them, just be aware of them. Be curious. And, breathe.

These practices can support you to access inner peace, feel more grounded and centered and create a harmonious sense of balance. See what you see, what you discover. Be curious.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you experience any of the 15 symptoms listed at the beginning of this article? If so, which ones and how often? What thoughts, feelings, and physiological sensations do you notice as you reflect on these symptoms?
• On a scale of one (low) to 10 (high), how would you characterize your stress level on an average day?
• Is stress causing you mental, physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual challenges? How so?
• If you’re one who knows that you need to relax more, and you are either unable or unwilling to do so, what gets in the way? How so?
• Do you wear “crazy-busy” as a merit badge?
• On that 1-10 scale, above, how comfortable are you with being alone, spending time with yourself?
• To what degree do you look for “externals” to bring you “internal” inner peace? How’s that working? Is it a sustainable process? Is it tiring or exhausting? Exhilarating?
• Do you ever feel victimized by the world, e.g., people, places, events, circumstances…? How so?
• Do you spend a fair amount of time living in the past, or in the future? How so? What does living in the past or the future get you?
• Are you happy -really, really, really happy?

 

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(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Living with Opposites

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One of the qualities of a “mature individual” (not chronologically mature, but emotionally, psychologically and spiritually mature) is the ability to hold in consciousness, and reflect upon, polarities at the same time, e.g., “light and dark” together. Many refer to this state as enlightening — being in a state where one does not have to, or choose to, opt for one over the other and can entertain both polarities at the same time, without judgment, but with curiosity.

Living in a world of duality
At work, at home, at play and in relationship, we live in a world of duality: love/fear, right/wrong, negative/positive, doing/being, sickness/health, comfort/risk, inner/outer, self/others, powerful/powerless, safe/unsafe, etc.

For many at work, in particular, living with duality results in stress, overwhelm, and tension on a daily basis. Consider the tension some experience as they move back and forth on a continuum between:  under budget/over budget, team cooperation/team competition; employees who are continuous learners/employees who are on “cruise control,” open and honest communication/hoarding information; bosses who are supportive, servant leaders, compassionate and nurturing/bosses who are bullies and overbearing; meaningful work/dull, boring and routine work; latest software that fosters effectiveness/legacy software that fosters ineffectiveness; efficient processes and procedures/bureaucratic processes and red tape; integrity, honesty and transparency/phoniness, dishonesty and duplicity…the list of such continuums is endless.

Stress, overwhelm, upset, resistance, fear, resentment and regret surface when we want to experience only one end of the continuum and reject the other. Many live their lives at work (and at home, at play and in relationship) believing that one side is good or right and the other is bad or wrong. In the end, much of their pain and suffering (mental, physical, emotional, social and psychological) results when they view, and live life in, their world from this “right/wrong,” “good/bad” mindset or world view, All they create for themselves is continuous pain and suffering in some way, shape or form.

Being out of balance
When we put all our attention, and intention, on one end of any continuum of opposites, (it doesn’t matter which end), our energy is out of balance. Accepting only one side of a duality and rejecting the other does not lead us to wholeness.

IMPORTANT: This notion is NOT to suggest that one “needs to engage in and behave” according to one end of a continuum that one views as “negative, unethical, out of integrity, or self-sabotaging,” etc. IT IS about asking one’s self why this other end of the continuum is in one’s life experience, however. IT IS about asking one’s self “Why is this behavior, event, person or circumstance in my life?”

Why is this happening FOR me?
In other words, asking one’s self the all-important and powerful question, “Why is this experience happening FOR me?” ( instead of TO me, which simply allows one to engage in a reactive, victim consciousness and blaming mentality). Exploring that “other end” of the continuum from this deeper “FOR me” perspective can move one to a level of inquiry and self-reflection that takes into account one’s values, motives, life purpose, assumptions, preconceptions, “stories,” etc., and can lead one to conscious personal and professional growth and maturation by looking at how one chooses to respond to the person, event or behavior that is “dark, bad, or wrong…” Such an exploration can serve to support us to clarify our own values, and ways of thinking, be-ing and do-ing.

Life is Choices
For example, “Why do I choose to go along with unethical and illegal practices in my workplace?” Why do I choose to go along with bullying bosses and gossiping that is destroying morale?” “Why do I choose not to speak up about how I can improve processes and procedures?” “Why do I choose to accuse another of being fake and phony?” “Why do I choose to take credit for another’s work?” “Why do I chose to feel threatened, play small, be invisible and not allow my voice?” “Why do I choose to allow others to hoard information?” “Why do I choose to allow expenditures that are unnecessary?” “Why do I choose to allow others to be disengaged?” “Why do I choose not to ask others to be the change they want to see in others?” In essence, why do choose to point to so many others as being “wrong” or “bad?”

There’s no light without darkness
Many folks want to experience life from the “good/positive” side of the continuum only or try to live life with a “positive mental attitude”. The result for these many is more often that not an experience of struggle, frustration, resentment, and despair. Why? Because they are out of balance. There is no one end to a continuum and denying the other end is an exercise in futility. In our world of duality, any effort to focus all attention on the “light” only serves to increase the power of the “darkness.”

We cannot live a life of balance by clinging to just one side.

The antidote
So what is the solution? How do we work with the tension of the two ends of the continuum? How do we balance or resolve them?

The reality is that the contrast is important to experience. The contrast of the opposites gives each end its identity. We can’t know “hot” unless we also know “cold,” “dark” unless we experience “light,” “good” unless we experience “evil.”  The two ends need each other to make sense. Like the back and forth swing of a pendulum, our experience of duality must include both the positives and negatives, like love and fear, health and disease, joy and grief. We can’t swing in just one direction. To grow in consciousness and self-awareness, we must honor the integrity of both parts and seek the middle, higher path of experience and expression.

Both
A next step is to find a new perspective that allows one to understand (not agree with, necessarily), acknowledge and accept both extremes at once. From this perspective, we can see the role that both ends play, if we choose to. If we can let go of our mind’s need to accept one and reject the other, and the attendant opinions, assumptions, and judgments we have, (the ones we use to judge the other as “bad” and “wrong”), we’re more able to experience life as it is as opposed to what we want (or don’t want) it to be.

From this place, when we bring together two opposites into a higher understanding, we grow in consciousness, self-awareness, maturity and the ability to self-reflect. We learn to inquire into, be curious about, and explore why these elements are in our life, right here and right now (since there is no such thing as “circumstance”) and what these elements can teach us about our self, our values, our life, our choices.

We can inquire into these elements, the “other end”, and discover what life’s lessons they present FOR us. The result is learning how to move through the not-so-pleasant vicissitudes of life, and growing our self in the process, as opposed to living a life of overwhelm, stress and tension, always feeling like a victim, constantly blaming, finding fault, fearing, nagging, moaning, rejecting and denying.

No irritant, no pearl
The pearl in the oyster cannot arise without the grain of sand that serves as the irritant which spurs its growth. No irritant, no pearl. One may choose to judge the person or event that appears at the other end of a continuum as an irritant (i.e., bad, wrong, etc.) The important questions are (1) “Why?” and (2) “How is (are) it/she/they supporting me to see more about my self through my (emotional) reactivity, thus enhancing my growth?”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What bothers you (at work, home, play or in relationship)? Why? Why do you think this “irritant” is in your life right now?
• How are you choosing to deal with this irritant?
• Why do you think reasonable, rational and decent people do things that annoy you? (Or, do you feel everyone who annoys you is unreasonable, irrational and not decent?”)
• What are the real issues that cause you to react to the end of the continuum that you see as “bad” or wrong?” Why do you think these people, events or circumstances are in your life?” To simply allow you to get mad, angry and reactive? If there were a deeper purpose, what would it be?
• When you see the other end of the continuum as “the problem,” that thought of yours alone is the problem. What do think about that?
• Do you normally view the world, and the people in it, from a “right/wrong”, “good/bad” perspective? If so, why? What would your colleagues and friends say?
• When was the last time you admitted to being “wrong?”
• Does ambiguity or conflict bother you? How so?
• Would you consider yourself to be a tolerant person? Would your colleagues and friends agree?
• Think of a situation or a person where you can’t see the good, the truth or the beauty. What would you have to do or perceive to see the truth or beauty of this person or situation?
• It is useless to discuss harmony in our world at work, without first creating harmony in ourselves. Would you agree?
• What in your life do you resist looking at? Does this cause you tension? What would happen if you did look and allowed the tension to be there at the same time?
• When you accept the vicissitudes and challenges in your life at work (at home, at play, in relationship), as part of life, do you experience more or less of a sense of well-be-ing? How so?
  —————————————————–
  (c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

  What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

  I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

  I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering