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Monthly Archives: March 2018

It’s 7:45 am – Do You Know Where Your Character Is?

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

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no-right-turn-450x900-reflective-aluminium

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Along the main road I used to run in the morning, there is a side street on the right that runs through a winding residential neighborhood. One can take that side street and reach another through-street much more quickly than staying on the original road for another half-mile, and then taking a right to get to the same through-street. Oh, and, by the way there is a sign just before this side street that says, “No right-hand turn between 7:00 and 9:00 am.” You can’t miss the sign.

From time to time, I stop my run, pausing at this intersection and sign just to watch with curiosity. Most recently, I stopped for a 15-minute period (7:40-7:55 am), during which time eleven cars came by – eight made the right turn.

What piques my curiosity is what these folks are thinking, assuming they are, as they make the right turn. I’m sure we all can muse about their reasons, excuses, stories, rationalizations and justifications.

Character
One definition of character is: who you are at 4:00 am in the dark when no one is watching. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.” How we are in the world – at work, at home, at play, in relationship – and even while driving – is a reflection of our character, or lack of it. Character is a type of internal guideline, a moral compass that operates 24/7, 365 – a compass that one cannot tinker with to change its bearings or settings. It always points to true north. Always. A flawed character, on the other hand, has been tinkered with, like fooling with the odometer of an automobile, to give it the “appearance” of authenticity.

What muddies character?
In a word – pride, an inordinate sense of self-esteem, which often morphs into hubris, an exaggerated sense of self-confidence. What really happens when we become immersed in a sense of pride or hubris? Separation – separation from our True Self, from our authentic self. And when we separate from our true and authentic self, we abdicate responsibility for accepting responsibility for how we live our life. When we abdicate responsibility for how we live our life, we lose our sense of self-respect. And when we lose our sense of self-respect, it follows we lose respect for life – so rules of right conduct, right living and right relationship don’t matter. In essence, “the rules don’t apply to me.”

The Buddha writes: “…the thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of all concern for all beings…as the shadow follows the body, what we think, so we become.”

When our pride – our ego – is in charge, our “thinking” often becomes warped and self-centered and our character suffers. Over time, as our character suffers, so does our reputation and we become known as one whose orientation to life and work is self-serving, self-centered, egocentric, and uncaring about others, i.e., doing what we need to do to “get by.” It’s all about “ME!” So, from this place, we circumvent the rules, we ignore principles of right living, and right loving, and assume inappropriate, and perhaps even illegal behaviors, with the justification that it’s okay “as long as I don’t get caught.”

The one and the many
So, that’s one person – perhaps me. What happens when this one person, lacking true character, becomes ten, then 100, or more?

The strength of a team, or an organization, is represented by its character, the character of its people (think Enron, AIG, WorldCom). What happens when a team, for example, loses its character? It begins to atrophy, to become dysfunctional, to engage in in-fighting and sabotage. It loses its way. The one and the many suffer. It’s character has become corrupted.

Character is a reflection of moral purpose, or the lack of it, and reflects those classes of things that an individual, or group, or team either chooses or avoids. That is, one’s character is constructed from what one does, or does not do.

Character and values
There are basic principles of effective living – for example, in the way we allow our True and Real self, honor and respect others, think rationally, help others succeed, listen with our heart, collaborate and cooperate, embrace diversity, protect the environment, see the meaning and value of work, treat others with respect, and act in moral alignment with compassion, integrity, justice and fairness – and true character means integrating these principles into how we live our life, even at 4:00 a.m. when no one is watching. Character is determined by how closely we choose to allow our value system to integrate into, and affect, our lives – in every moment.

The foundational building blocks of character are integrity and courage. Once we become dishonest, even when no one is watching, then we lose all sense of character. Then, mistrust, lying, and (self-)deception define who we are. The toothpaste is out of the tube. Once we compromise our values, it is well-nigh impossible to regain or reestablish our reputation, credibility or integrity.

In the end, moral shortcuts, cutting corners, and “turning right at 7:45 am” will always – always – find a way to catch up. The Universe insures there is always payback for inappropriate and indecent behavior.

Blaming and excuse-making – “making the turn at 7:45 am”
“But, I’m late for work.”
“But, I didn’t see the sign.”
“I had a spat with my spouse and was distracted.”
“A friend said it would be OK.”
“I have an important meeting to get to.”

Blaming and deflecting self-responsibility are art forms in our culture. Only now we’re using the adult form of “my dog ate my homework.” Doesn’t wash. Our obsession with blaming and excuse-making is simply an indication of how we’ve become a nation of narcissists, victims and adult-children. Emotionally and spiritually mature adults are self-responsible, make conscious choices, and do the right thing. As Helen Douglas (the politician 1896-1956) said, ” Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action.”

Each of us faces issues and challenges every day – some complex, some simple – at work, at home, at play, in relationship, even on the road. Our character is tested when we make split-second decisions and choices about what to do, and not do, and why.

So, practically, or metaphorically, when you come upon the sign that says, “No right turn between 7:00 and 9:00 am,” and it’s 7:45 am, where is your character?

Some questions for self-reflection are:

  • What matters to you?
  • What blocks you from acting in integrity? How so?
  • What do you most want in life?
  • “Do the right thing” vs. “Do things right” – which drives your everyday actions?
  • Do you believe you have character? What would your colleagues, friends, spouse/partner, and neighbors say?
  • Have you lied, cheated or stolen recently? What was your rationalization or justification? How about running a red light, stop sign or a sign that says “no right turn…?”
  • Do you use a different measuring stick to judge your inappropriate behavior from others’ inappropriate behaviors?
  • Who are you at 4:00 am in the dark when no one can see you?
  • When did you first know you had character?
  • What was “character” like in your family as you were growing up?
  • Can you visualize a world where everyone operates with character?

“Character is the foundation stone upon which one must build to win respect. Just as no worthy building can be erected on a weak foundation, so no lasting reputation worthy of respect can be built on a weak character.” – R. C. Samsel

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Do You Use Protection?

07 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

symbol

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

No, not that kind.

This kind:

Developmental psychologists say most every child experiences some type of emotional, psychological, or physical wounding, hurt or pain as part of their upbringing – even (especially) that child who says their family was “perfect.” The child’s experiences may include a parent or primary caregiver who was physically or emotionally absent some or much of the time, or overbearing and bullying, or one who was a taskmaster, rarely complimentary, or was “guilting,” shaming, or overly judgmental and critical, or was a betrayer, or physically or sexually abusive.

The degree of wounding can range from unacceptable, but tolerable, to extremely inappropriate and intolerable. Whatever the degree, it was wounding and affected the child’s psyche. As the child moves into adolescence and adulthood, there is a part of their psyche that consistently, yet unconsciously, chants the mantra: Never again!

Protection
As adults, many of us view life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – from a defensive posture. We view our world as obscured, with a veil of protection over it that shields us from (re) experiencing the wounding, hurt and pain of childhood. Protectors are the inner parts of us – voices, judges, critics, authority figures – whose role is to keep us safe, in a comfort zone where we won’t experience hurt, shame or fear. Protectors are the inner parts of us that initially arise when we explore “inside” ourselves. Our protectors have no idea we’re adults so they operate as though we are still children who need protection from continued hurt and pain.

How protectors operate
Protectors are mental or physical ways of thinking, doing and being. For example, protectors help us shut down emotionally while we show up as smart and intellectual; close down our heart while we act out physically through exercise and sports; move us into denial – “all is right with the world,” posture when it’s not the truth; project our feelings and emotions on to others so we don’t have to own our “stuff,” shop, drink, eat or work excessively to mask our inner pain; make us need to be “good,” successful and perfect so others won’t judge us as less-than or deficient; be lovable so others won’t abandon us; be busy so we won’t sense our emptiness; or co-dependently fawn over others and meet their wants and needs in order to deny our own emptiness and needs which were not met as a child. Protectors attempt to keep us from being harmed by others and/or from confronting our own feelings and emotions.

So, we control.
Protectors are all about control. Our protectors attempt to control our internal and external self so we can push away real or perceived threats – from bosses, colleagues, friends, spouses/partners, or others, so we can experience some sort of “faux” comfort – autonomy, approval, acceptance, admiration, and not be judged, abused, or blamed. We abhor feeling vulnerable.

Working with protectors
In working with protectors, we acknowledge them for their positive intention, appreciate their roles and see how they’ve worked tirelessly for us over the years to keep us feeling safe and secure. The next step is to develop an open and trusting relationship with our protectors – telling it/them we understand their intention: “I understand why you do what you do;” “I appreciate what you did for me when I was young;” “I see how you contribute to how I live my life;” etc.

As you acknowledge and befriend a protector, you’ll begin to sense a “moving away,” a separating from it at which time your True and Authentic Self arises. This experience can be tricky at first as the protector thinks it is the whole of you, not a part. You may feel this protector, this voice, is, in fact, “me.” Well, it isn’t .

As you breathe, sense into your body, allow whatever you experience (i.e., be curious, not judgmental) and begin to notice a “relationship” between your True and Authentic Self and your protector. You may begin to experience a sense of harmony, balance, groundedness and well-being. As your protector becomes aware of  “you” (your True and Authentic Self), you’ll experience a shift. The protector becomes more relaxed (quiet), and eventually you (the real “you”) might notice a difference in the way you relate to your world.

In real time
In everyday situations – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – when you feel a protector is arising to keep you safe and secure, notice its arising, acknowledge it, ask it politely to separate from you, so your True and Authentic Self can emerge. Tell it you will handle the situation (giving it permission to relax) and, allowing your True and Authentic Self, your “adult” self,  you’ll begin to experience qualities and capacities that will support you in the moment – strength, courage, will, wisdom, compassion, love, discipline–and “right knowing,” “right understanding,” and “right action.”

The more consistently you acknowledge, appreciate, trust and reassure your protectors that you can “do” or “be” from the place of your adult Self, your protectors will relax and allow you to lead – as an emotional, spiritual and psychological adult – not the fearful, scared or wounded little child in an adult body, wearing adult clothes. From this place you’ll find yourself engaged in relationships – with your self and others – from a place of openness, honesty, trust and authenticity – without a need for protection.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • What are one or two protectors that often show up for you to keep you feeling safe and secure, away from harm?
  • What are their roles and how do they guide you to relate to others (i.e.,  to protect you from pain)? What do they tell you to (not) do or (not) be so you can feel safe and not threatened? What are they protecting you from (e.g., embarrassment, being judged, ignored or rejected, feeling small, stupid, or “not (fill in the black with some quality or characteristic) enough?”
  • Choose one protector you know well (e.g., one that says people are untrustworthy; I’ll be betrayed; I want to stop trying to please people; I need to be free of criticism.). When you experience/hear it, what does it feel like in your body? Where is it located in your body? What does it say, exactly, and how do you act when you hear/experience it? What people, places, events or circumstances trigger it? Who or what is it protecting you from?
  • What protectors do you remember experiencing when you were a child? And why were they there?
  • Can you envision a world where you can acknowledge, appreciate and understand your protectors and be able to separate from them to experience your True and Authentic Self? What would that be, feel, look and sound like?


—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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