Pain – mental, physical, emotional and/or psychological? It’s part of the human condition. Suffering? Not so much. It’s optional.

https://lnkd.in/dEXZBAu

 

Transparency – Easier Said than Done

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

What is transparency?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines transparent as: free from pretense or deceit; easily seen through; readily understood; characterized by visibility or accessibility of information, especially concerning business practices.

Google results show 257,000,000 hits for transparency in the market; 87,400,000 for transparency in the workplace; and 227,000,000 for transparency in relationships. Transparency – popular and widely-discussed. So, why is transparency easier said than done?

Transparency is a quality built on truth-telling, openness, honest and sincerity. The essence of truth-telling is being comfortable in one’s own skin. Transparency is the “secret sauce” of trust. Conscious, healthy relationships thrive on trust, integrity and transparency.

Being transparent in the way we speak, act and think allows others to see us as being congruent, harmonious, and in alignment with who we say we are. This congruency and alignment lead to win-win, trusting and psycho-emotionally healthy relationships.

The reverse is also true. Lacking transparency, others relate to us from an arm’s length, view us suspiciously, vigilantly look over their shoulder at us, and feel unsafe around us. When we’re not transparent we’re judged as lacking credibility, reliability, dependability and trustworthiness. Transparency – it seems so simple, but, for many, not easy.

The challenging question is: if transparency is a behavior in high demand, why are so many unable or unwilling to behave transparently – at work, at home, at play, in love relationships, friendships and acquaintanceships?

Having transparency and losing it
Very early on in life, most children are truly transparent. We share our thoughts; we engage in lively, free expression; we openly and honestly disclose how we feel. We trust and are trusting. But not long after, we are often met with resistance, first, from our parents or immediate care givers, then from extended family, teachers, clergy, friends and others. The push-back we experience is often expressed as:

“You think you’re so smart!” (with a negative edge)
“Little boys/girls should be seen and not heard!” (you’re an irritant)
“That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!” (you’re stupid)
“What do you know!” (with a negative dismissal)
“Who told you that?!” (skepticism; disbelief)
“Don’t say/do such a thing” (how can you say/do such a thing!)
“I don’t believe you.” (you’re lying)
“You better not talk like that!” (what you have to say is unacceptable or inappropriate)
“That’s not true.” (you are lacking or deficient)
“You don’t make any sense!” (you’re stupid)
“You don’t think straight!” (you’re unintelligent)
“What makes you think that way!” (your approach/ideas are weird)
“You don’t have half a brain!” (you’re stupid)
“For someone so smart, you’re really stupid!” (you lack intelligence)
“You’ll only cause trouble.” (you’re not mainstream; you’re not ‘like me’)

When we have been hammered and attacked again and again, we begin to believe that what we say, think, feel and do is not “good enough,” or we are “bad” or “wrong.” We begin to shut down or otherwise hide our essence, our openness, our vulnerability, i.e., “being who we are.”

Loss of self-value and worth
The belief – “transparency is not a good thing;” “transparency is bad;” “I’m bad” – becomes an imprint, hard-wired on our brain, in our unconscious, and we then carry this belief into adolescence and eventually into adulthood. This belief is translated into, “What I think, say, do and feel doesn’t have value.” and we believe “I don’t have value.” And, “If I don’t have value, then I better change the way I am in order to have value and worth” in order to garner the love, recognition, acknowledgement, approval, acceptance and all the other “goodies” that will only come to me if I contract, shut down and become opaque – anything but transparent.

We create a self-image, an identity, that I am not credible, I’m not smart, or intelligent. And in order to be heard, seen, and “met,” we give up our voice; we believe we have to hide our truth, our intelligence, ideas, emotions and feelings, and squash our True, Real and Authentic Self. We defer, become quiet and passive. We learn to lie, deceive, cheat and blame – to avoid being transparent. We morph into “good little boys and girls” – quiet, afraid, passive and fake.

In the workplace
In the workplace, where transparency is a hot topic, it’s important to remember that we bring our “family” to work – our biography and our biology. In interactions at work (as well as at home, play, and in relationships) we can feel like a child – when interacting with others who unconsciously remind us of the reactive, judgmental, critical parent or other authority figure who criticized us when being transparent as a child.

So, we hold back, defer, shut down, resist disclosing and become opaque so we can feel seen, heard and accepted. Transparency becomes a scary proposition. For example, we’re reluctant to discuss our motives and feelings about our plans, policies, processes, procedures with colleagues or clients. We’re reluctant to be up-front with customers, vendors, suppliers and other stakeholders. We’re afraid to disclose how and what we really think and feel, and why. We’re opaque.

The antidote to opaqueness?
Clarity and light.

As we become more self-aware – emotionally, psychologically and spiritually mature – we’re able to show up authentically, allow our voice, our wisdom, our thoughts, our motives and be who we really are – our True, Real and authentic Self.

When, with clarity about who we really are – our Essential Self – being transparent, and allowing our voice, feelings, emotions, honesty and openness, we transform (back) into our authentic self, alive and, once again feeling secure in our own skins; we’re not afraid to cultivate relationships that are transparent healthy, conscious, and trusting – leading to real connection, collegiality and collaboration. From this inner place, we access the courage, strength, will and steadfastness to speak “our truth” and not be concerned or caught up in what others think or believe about us.

Transparency supports us to know and be who we are. If we’re not open and transparent to others, we cannot be open and transparent to ourselves. If we’re not aware, open and transparent to ourselves, we cannot mature and become fully self-actualized.

“You are the lens in the beam. You can only receive, give, and possess the light as the lens does. If you seek yourself, you rob the lens of its transparency. You will know life and be acknowledged by it according to your degree of transparency, your capacity, that is, to vanish as an end, and remain purely as a means.”  – Dag Hammarskjold

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are most folks clear about the motives underneath your thoughts, words and actions. Are you?
• Would you describe leaders and managers in your workplace as transparent? Why/why not?
• Would you describe yourself and your spouse/partner as transparent?
• Do you demand transparency from others while being opaque yourself? Are you trustworthy? Transparent? What would your friends and colleagues say?
• Does the standard of transparency by which you measure yourself differ from the standard of transparency by which you measure others? How so?
• What stories do you use to rationalize and justify your lack of transparency?
• Can you admit when you don’t know what or how, or don’t have an answer, or feel afraid or uncomfortable?
• What was transparency like when you were growing up?
• Have you ever been “found out” in some way, shape or form? What was that like?
• Can you envision a life where transparency is an everyday operating principle?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Why Change Triggers a Fear of Dying

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.” – I Ching No. 3

Probably the greatest obstacle to a life worth living is the fear of death – not death itself – but the fear of death. Think about the last time you chose to, or were asked to, embrace true and real change – at work, at home, at play or in relationship. What was that like for you?

Attachment
There are times when we have the opportunity to meet someone who truly has no fear of dying. Exploring this individual’s perspective, it’s often the case they came face-to-face with their own immortality through a deep and intense “life-changing” experience, e.g., illness, divorce, job loss, financial ruin, loss of a loved one, and the like. In the process they most likely hit a spiritual “rock bottom.” In this place, one usually let’s go of their “human” identity – who they took themself to be. They let go of their “ego identity,” their self-images, their “human-ness” to a degree.

In this heightened conscious state, dying is not seen as a typical “temporal” end with all its characteristic fears: “Gosh, I’d hate to give up all my money.” “Gee, my wife will still be here, and I won’t be able to be with her after I divorce/leave/die.” “My job/position/title was all I had and without it I’m nothing.” “I’ll miss so much that I had here.” “I’ll wither away if I can’t run/work/paint/cook…any more.” “I can’t go on without it/her/him.”

These fears are based on our ego’s attachment to life as we know it – attachments which define “me” according to my ego mind. Here, the thought of loss sends fear throughout our being. And, from an ego perspective, justifiably so.

Defensiveness
When our human side, our ego self, is confronted with this type of “death,” our knee-jerk reaction is to become defensive – we try to protect ourself from change, we deny the change or the thought of change; simply, our ego doesn’t want to die. It’s like when we were a child and when there was upset in our home, we covered our ears with our hands and yelled in order to silence the noise. Ego death is certainly “noisy.”

Change can be upsetting.
Consider the many instances of change in your life. Perhaps you’re experiencing an illness, or the result of an accident, the threat or reality of a job loss, an impending divorce or separation, the loss of a loved one, a financial demise, a geographical relocation, etc.  What’s underneath all these events is some type of experience of “not knowing,” a “not knowing” that requires a letting go. Our emotional connection to letting go arises as fear and if explored deeply, the fear is not unlike a fear of death, i.e, “I don’t know what will happen”; I don’t know who I’ll become”; “I don’t know.” And, not knowing, or fear of the unknown, often evokes fear and anxiety. The “future” is where death happens.

The past as antidote
When change happens, the only safe haven for many is the past – an experience we do know; an experience which we survived. So, the greater the change, the greater the fear, and the more driven we are to seek refuge, safety and security in our past.

Hanging on to our past, we re-orient to our conditioning, our programming, and our habits and patterns of thinking, be-ing and do-ing. The greater our fear of death and dying, the more we dig in our heels and hang on to “the familiar – “the old me.” It’s safe.

The paradox
Our orientation to (or fixation on, obsession with) our past is the major obstacle that snuffs out the life, the vitality and potentiality of our being. We are actually denying life because we fear death. Right here and right now, we are potential, we are possibility, we are becoming. However, when we fear change and pull our self back into our past, we negate our present and our future – we choose death over life. In nature (the seasons, for example), a lack of life is – death. However, death is a requirement for new life to emerge.

The solution?
Perspective. When we change our perspective, we can choose to become laser-like focused in the here and now, with an orientation towards our future. We can choose to trust that what is coming is greater, richer and more fulfilling than what was. We can choose to trust in the limitless possibilities for well-be-ing, happiness and self-fulfillment. The fact is, there is a part of every living soul that does not die. When we contact this part of our self, we can access our Essential qualities and experience our True Self – a Self that is courageous, powerful, strong, steadfast, and capable. When we allow our True Self to emerge, we engage life with a dynamism, a vitality and a love that melts and erases our fear. Love and fear are diametrically opposed to one another. They cannot exist together.

Accepting change
If we choose, we can accept change in its various shapes and forms. We can choose to become courageous, stalwart and positively view all life as opportunity. But to do so, we need to be in touch with life, not fear. In this place, nothing can stop us or harm us. In this place, endings are beginnings, upset is a blessing, and death is (re) birth.

Our ego says the world is a dangerous place, that life is threatening and hurtful. This is a life perspective based on fear – fear of death. Another perspective is that of welcoming the unknown, welcoming death. From this perspective, life presents a huge opportunity – life is supportive and the world is a safe place. This is the place where true aliveness, change and transformation happens.

“The call of death is a call of love. Death can be sweet if we answer it in the affirmative, if we accept it as one of the great eternal forms of life and transformation.” – Hermann Hesse

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What significant life transitions have you experienced? What was the “death” involved? How were you transformed as a result? What did you see about yourself before, during and after the experience(s)?
• As you contemplate your future, can you envision positive outcomes for specific hopes and desires?
• What current life changes are you experiencing? Are you fearful? How so? Are you in denial or hanging on to old patterns and habits of resistance? If so, why? What does resistance get you?
• What changes in your life are you most proud of? Why?
• Do you spend much time longing for the “good old days?”
• What was change like for you/your family when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering