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Monthly Archives: May 2018

I quote; therefore, I am.

17 Thursday May 2018

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

quotes

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

Don’t do as I quote; do as I do
As one who works in the self-help arena, I’ve been noticing an ever-increasing phenomenon these days and that is, throwing around quotation after quotation in the sense that the quote will, what? Support one’s own movement towards change or transformation or spur another towards change and transformation or that it might be taken as a  sign of one’s wisdom, intelligence and the like?

Perhaps, it’s the social media focus on the sound-bite, the emphasis on 140-character communication.

In either case, my curiosity centers around “not what I quote” but “do I live what I quote?”.

I think quotes have a place, depending on how we use them. Do motivational quotes on corridor and office walls honestly and truly motivate? Do success quotes in sports arenas, locker rooms, and in schools really produce successful athletes and students? Do pithy management and leadership quotes truly result in inspired leaders and managers? Do love and relationship quotes lead to healthier and more conscious relationships? (And, by the way, the same might be said of affirmations, or books, or visualizations, but that’s another reading.)

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do quotes “work?”
In my experience, yes; but in few cases. How so?

Some folks have actually changed their lives, transformed, partially as a result of integrating, embodying and “living” quotes. A vast majority, however, cannot seem to integrate the sentiment, message or inspiration of a quote into their actual, daily do-ing and be-ing — at work, at home, at play and in relationship – in a sustainable, long-term, self-disciplined way to effect  true and real change, to self-responsibly forward the action of their life and become a new, different  person.

If you Google “self-improvement quotations,” you’ll come up with some 199,000 hits; “management quotations,” 6,650,00017, “leadership quotations,” 4,250,000, relationship quotations, 8,610,000, and “success quotations,” 7,980,000. (This does not include other descriptors such as “inspirational quotes…,” “sayings,”  and the like.)

I quote success; I am success – there is a difference
Let’s look at success quotations as an example. What do these success quotes have in common?

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” – Bob Dylan

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives.” – Albert Einstein

“Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.” –  I Ching No. 3

“The successful man is the average man, focused.” Anonymous

“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Anonymous

So, what do they have in common?
What these quotes have in common is that they’re all someone else’s quotes, someone else’s notion of success. And this is important. Why?

Because I’m curious how many people’s lives – tens, hundreds, thousand, millions – have actually been demonstrably changed for the better, over the long-term, as a result of reading one or more of someone else’s quotes? I suspect few, very few. Why?

What I often experience are folks who share, quote or think about someone else’s neat, cool, pithy quotation as a “nice idea,” but have never consciously taken the time to internalize, integrate, chew on, digest, metabolize and deeply reflect upon it so it becomes part of their own cellular, molecular make-up, their being. Instead, beyond the time it takes to utter or write a 140-character idea-string, or utter a quote, they often return to a life that’s characterized by misalignment, dis-harmony, imbalance, confusion, self-doubt and overwhelm. They want “success” or happiness, or a better way of being a leader, manager, partner or spouse from someone’s else’s dream, aspiration or quote; but, it’s not working. They haven’t personalized it.

Don’t quote the quote; be the quote
For me, the most important tool for success in life is reflection, deep reflection which many cannot or will not undertake, then goal delineation, planning and conscious self-management and self-discipline to be(come) the quotation. Many, living lives of indecision, dis-harmony and self-deceit, find they can only quote the quote, not be the quote.

Sometimes, folks do incorporate the quotation as a “living” quotation. For example, they define “success,” or “relationship,” or “motivation” as “results.” But, achieving results without learning something about one’s self often leads to an incomplete and often “un-success-ful” “lived quotation” in the short or long term. Do-ing alone (i.e., results), without be-ing, is not a solid formula for success, or happiness, or successful leading, managing or relating. The “successful” Bernie Ebbers of Enron, or Bernie Madoff, or Arnold Schwarzenegger who ended up in ignominy and infamy are testaments to this.

These folks who accomplish results (“success?”) but without personal growth, often wonder why they don’t feel better, alive, fulfilled. They often admit they don’t experience good health, energy, enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind. They are “successful,” after all. So, what “off?”

So, what does quoting get you?
Many of us love quotes – about life, love, relationships, leading, managing and the like. But these quotes are simply ideas, each as grand as the tiny molecule in the brain tat holds it. Unless “operationalized,” and practiced, as a practice, the idea can be gone in an instant. Then what? Another quote, another quick burst of a feel-good moment?

For many, the idea, the sentiment, the quote is quickly obliterated just as if they had written in the sand on the beach – ephemeral – wiped out in a moment.

For others, the idea, like a “success” quotation is engraved in an indelible way in their brain, in their cellular make-up, in their psyche and their being. They are a living embodiment of the quote. Big difference.

So, I guess there are quotes and there are quotes. It’s what we do with them, and why, that matters.

Some questions for self-reflection: 

  • Do you often quote others? Why? What does quoting others get you?
  • Do you incorporate others’ quotes into the fabric of your daily life – i.e., the way you live life at work, at home, at play and in relationship?
  • Can you recall the last ten quotes you shared? Last five? Last one?
  • Has your life changed, truly changed, as the result of any quotes you took to heart? Were you truly inspired and motivated to be or act differently, consistently? How so?
  • Do you ever feel empty, unhappy, or unfulfilled even though you know a lot of “happy” quotations? Do you live in a prison of self-defeating or self-limiting thoughts even though you “know’ a lot of motivational and inspirational quotations? Why is that?
  • Do you ever use quotations to persuade others you’re intelligent or wise?
  • What might happen if you never used quotes? How might that make you feel? If you seldom or never used quotations, would you feel lacking or deficient? Why?
  • Is your self-worth partially defined by how often, how much, you use quotations?
  • Did you grow up around quotations? Who did you parents or primary caregivers quote?
  • Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” Does that resonate with you? How so?

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Skirting The Truth — How Collusion Impacts Your Life and Relationships

03 Thursday May 2018

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

elephant

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

One of the most insidious and (self) destructive behaviors impacting life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship  – is collusion, a tacit and unspoken agreement where two or more folks choose to overlook their honesty and authenticity in order to support some joint fake, phony or duplicitous sense of themselves.

We most often collude with one another in order to feel psycho/emotionally safe and secure. The price of collusion is that the parties engage in deceitful, self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors in order to gain some form of acceptance, approval, recognition, and security. Dangerous territory.

Let’s collude
Basically, collusion is saying (silently and/or covertly): “I’m going to look the other way so you can behave the way you want or need to, and I’ll make believe our relationship is honest and genuine (even though I know our collusive behaviors are inappropriate and self-destructive.) AND, I expect you to do the same for me.”

Collusion is fraud – plain and simple – living my own lie while supporting you to live your lie, and vice-versa. That is, no one “shows up” in integrity or with authenticity, and they know it! Repeat. They know it! On a deeper level, collusion obscures the “real-ness” of each person and phonies up the so-called honesty with which they relate to one another. It’s tap dancing around one another’s personal elephants in the room.

Flavors of collusion
There are various flavors of collusion. Generally, collusion can appear as:

  • Giving up one’s honesty and authenticity in order to get something in return.
  • “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”-type motives for interacting.
  • Going along to get along: engaging in denial or “turning a blind eye” to others’ questionable activities with the expectation they will do the same for you at some point.
  • One hand washing the other: building up a store of tacit, mutual “IOUs.”

People collude when they pledge loyalty to an unscrupulous or incompetent leader, manager, colleague, friend, neighbor, spouse, partner or relative – when they turn a blind eye to the inappropriate behaviors of others in an effort to feel safe with one another, “making believe” all is well.  Living an illusion all is well.

People collude in order to feel appreciated and “seen” – the foundation of many dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships.  Our denials notwithstanding.

For example
People collude when they share information with a select few and create a clique – in order to feel special, or be accepted as part of the “in” group. They feel acknowledged at being “chosen.”

People collude when they gang up on another through bullying, sarcasm, or gossiping – in order to experience a (false) sense of connection and camaraderie with their co-conspirators.

Folks collude when they withhold honest and forthright comments about inappropriate behavior because they fear alienating another or being ostracized in some way.  Resisting the truth and “making believe” another’s behavior is acceptable, colluders play the game of mutual acceptance while perpetuating a phony relationship based on false respect.

Why?
Everyone – everyone – experiences some sense of deficiency. It’s the human condition. Just about everyone harbors some real or perceived notion they are not “good enough” or are lacking, “bad” or deficient in some way. So, facing our innate sense of deficiency, we have two choices:

  • We can choose to face our sense of insecurity honestly, ignoring our underlying temptation to collude. Taking this approach requires conscious steps to act authentically and honestly, and sidestep any urge to be a fake and a phony. It means resisting the temptation to “go along to get along” with others who aren’t taking a line of integrity, authenticity and sincerity.
  • We can “play games” with others and ignore, deny, or resist the truth, ignoring “the elephants in the room.” Here, we put on blinders, censor our words, refuse to hear what needs to be heard, say what needs to be said, alter our actions to convenience, and tell whatever lies are necessary – always hoping that our state of denial will keep the emotional peace (my own and others’) though at the price of perpetuating an insincere, co-dependent, and dysfunctional relationship.

Collusion hurts
Collusion is lying to protect our own and another’s fragile ego at the expense of speaking the truth and acting with integrity and self-responsibility. Collusion is a progressive drug that leads one to engage in deeper and deeper levels of lying, deceit and fakery.

Colluders need to lie and deceive themselves and others more and more to sustain their false sense of physical, emotional and/or psychological safety. As a result, colluders live in a constant state of vigilance, preoccupied with whether they will be “found out” and have their false facade penetrated. Colluders are consistently preoccupied worrying whether their co-colluder(s) will be “outed” leaving them to face the unpleasantness, even terror, of being “found out” themselves one day.

Colluding is exhausting – demanding an inordinate amount of physical, emotional, and psychic energy. It demands continually shoring up fake and phony relationships that have no real foundation except that of mutual convenience. Like all lying, collision demands constantly remembering which particular lies you are currently telling – with the additional burden of recalling the other person’s lies as well. It is corrosive to head, heart, and soul.

The antidote
Honesty, happiness, and true friendship most often appear as the top responses to the question, “What’s really important to you in relationship?” You can’t collude and expect to find real, meaningful, sincere and authentic connection with another – at work, at home (yes, even at home; sometimes, especially at home), or at play. Acting as if you can, demands collusion.

The simplest approach to ridding oneself of the need to collude is twofold:

  • To seek understanding of the reasons (and excuses) why you refuse to tell yourself and others the truth.
  • To set your intention on complete honesty, even if it would be easier to take the low road of lying and deception.

The truth will set you free: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically. Telling the truth allows you to show up authentically and with integrity in an honest, sincere, and self-responsible way. Telling the truth is the only real way to experience a life of real happiness and self-fulfillment, and to experience deep and true relationships with others – to dance through life in lightness and freedom, rather than continually tap dancing around all those looming, invisible elephants.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • If you have a tendency to collude, what are some of ways you do it?
  • Do others collude with you by telling you only what they think you want/need to hear? Why do they do this? Is it for some benefit  or for fear of how you might react?
  • Do you find yourself lying and being phony to maintain specific relationships? Why? How so?
  • What keeps you from telling the truth? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to hide?
  • How do you feel when you’re in a situation where you know you’re colluding (i.e. giving to get, going along to get along, etc.)?
  • What’s “right” about colluding? What does colluding get you? Is there another way to get that result without colluding?
  • Did you experience forms of collusion as you were growing up? How so?


—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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