Refusing to Let Go

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning; for what in the morning was true will in evening become a lie.”  – Carl Jung

Life – at work, at home, at play, and in relationship – evolves daily, even moment to moment.”

We’ve heard the expression “Change is the one constant in life.” Every day we experience change in some way, shape or form. For many, change is unsettling – it unearths our feelings of insecurity, instability and disharmony.

The pain and suffering of change
These uncomfortable feelings and emotions do not come from the change itself. Rather, our experience of the pain and suffering we experience with change results not from the experience of change, but from efforting to hold on – to the past, to familiar ways of thinking, be-ing and do-ing. Perhaps you’ve recently reacted to, or resisted calls for, change in your work, in your life at home, in your relationships or even in the habits and patterns you’re accustomed to in your play and recreation.

Fear of change
Underneath our reactivity to change is some type of fear – e.g., fear of the unknown, fear of new ways of doing things or thinking about things, fear about having to learn something new, fear of letting go, fear of being different and the like. This fear presents a tremendous opportunity for personal and professional growth. How so?

When we experience our fear around change, a powerful question to explore is, “What am I afraid of?” This exploration allows us to dig deeper and understand what’s beneath our fear – an opportunity to see what we can learn about our fear, what fear is telling us. If we enter this exploration from a place of curiosity, rather than from self-judgment (i.e., feeling “bad” or “wrong” with our discomfort around change), we can begin to be at peace with our fear. We can watch it. We can observe it as it moves through us. But we don’t have to “become” it. We can just be with it.

Rather than denying our fear, talking a detour to move around it and bypass it, suppressing it or controlling it, we can lovingly and compassionately invite ourselves to come into direct contact with our fear and see what it wants to teach us about ourselves.

Fear can lead to love
Fear and love are on opposite ends of a continuum. The more we can be with our fear, allow it, understand it and learn from it, the greater our ability to experience life from the love side of the continuum – where change is not so threatening. On the love (of ourself) side, we feel less resistance to change, we are more capable of “going with the flow,”  we have less need to control, and surprisingly, we find we are more trusting when change happens –  at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

The first step towards being OK with change is acceptance – acceptance not of the change, but acceptance of ourself, of our fears around the change, believing that it’s OK to feel our feelings. The next step is to go inside and explore what’s underneath our fears. Really explore and not try to “think” our fear away (an art form in Western culture).

Once you accept yourself as you face change, you become more clear about the causes of your fear, your reactivity and resistance. You develop the capacity to be more open to allow change. Exploring your fear from this place will lead you to “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right  action” with respect to the change.

Tension leads to growth
The beauty of the fear, and the tension around it, is that without tension growth is not possible.  A seed  cannot grow without tension. Some seeds need cold, some need warmth. When seeds begin to grow, they meet the resistance of their shell. As such, they need to push through the soil –  some even need to push through concrete or macadam – and then against gravity and the wind. The deal is that none of these resistance elements inhibits the seed from growing but, rather, they enhance its growth into a mature and strong plant. This is why fear is an opportunity for growth.

So, at work, and at home, at play and in relationship, we can learn to grow through change – we cannot change and grow while resisting, defending and holding on to the status quo, hanging on to dear life. Change is not a threat to growth but, rather, an integral part of it.

Resisting change for the illusion of “comfort”
Many folks resist change in order to remain “comfortable.” But, the comfort they wish to hang on to is “wrapped” in fear, in a quiet or not-so-quiet mental/emotional state of vigilance or subtle agitation masquerading as “comfort” (always fearful that something or someone will “change”). In this place of “faux” comfort, one cannot experience true and real comfort, true and real inner harmony and peace. What these folks really want is harmony; what they really experience is inertia and numbness.

Harmony comes when one is at peace with one’s life and one’s environment, when one is open to change and adaptation – not resistant to it.

Hanging on for dear life, does not result in a dear life. It results in tension, stress, anxiety, resistance and resentment.

Exploring our fear and resistance is the pathway to harmony and inner peace, personal and professional growth, development, equanimity and balance.

Finally, remember, life is change. Life is choices. Whether you embrace change or come to it kicking and screaming is your choice. We cannot grow and thrive without change, conflict and tension. Avoiding change, denying change, resisting change keeps us feeling like a victim, always wanting to blame someone or something for the way we feel.

When we choose to explore our resistance and fear around change, we learn more about ourselves, become stronger, more courageous, more autonomous, more willful, and more engaged in living life.

Change is an opportunity for us to navigate our world with our eyes “wide open,” not “wide shut.” Change allows us to grow our minds, stretch beyond our mental limits and emotional boundaries. Change allows us to move through life with a greater degree of trust, freedom and harmony.

Moving beyond your fear
So, here’s an exercise to support you to move beyond your fear:

Acknowledge and really feel your fear without judging and criticizing yourself.
Ask your fear what it’s there to tell you. Be alert for inner messages that will bring you greater understanding of your situation. Listen with your heart, your inner self, not your “logical, ego mind.”
Be fully present. Relax into your body. Breathe deeply and continuously into you belly.
Ask your higher self: “What can I do to improve my situation? What do I need to know and understand?”
Taking action on what you discover helps get your energy moving. (Action absorbs anxiety; paralysis doesn’t.)

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What is your greatest fear? Why do you fear what you’re fearing? How so?
• Are there aspects of yourself you reject? How so?
• Where are you experiencing tension or conflict in your life? Where are you struggling to face major challenges? (career, home, play, relationship, finances, health, emotions, etc.?)
• Do you face change with ATTENTION or TENSION?
• How can you use tension and conflict to grow stronger, and become more authentic, as you?
• What is a current change or conflict in your life telling you? What area of potential is it pointing to? What quality about your self is it pointing to? How so?
• Are your current tensions or conflicts the same as last year, the year before and the year before that? If so, why?
• Would you characterize yourself as an embracer of change or a victim of change? Why?
• Do you feel you have the right and the power to decide how anyone or anything can affect you?
• Would your colleagues, friends or family say you most often embrace change or resist change?
• Are you hanging on for dear life in some way, shape or form in your life?
• How did you and your family deal with change as you were growing up?

 

————————————-—————-
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

So, you’re taking a summer vacation. Really?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“What do I want to take home from my summer vacation? Time. The wonderful luxury of being at rest. The days when you shut down the mental machinery that keeps life on track and let life simply wander. The days when you stop planning, analyzing, thinking and just are. Summer is my period of grace.”
–Ellen Goodman

New York University sociologist, Dalton Conley, recently coined the term: “weisure” – the result of blurring the line dividing work and leisure. More and more, work is carrying over into folks’ leisure time. It appears that places and activities usually regarded as “fun only” are now work-play ambiguous. No surprise here!

Folks are using their smartphones to connect with their business colleagues while at home or hanging out with their families in the evening. Folks are chatting with Facebook colleagues on weekends and holidays. And, of course, all their other electronic leashes are keeping them connected so they can take care of business while “on vacation.”

What’s happening!

Some, including Conley, say the work-leisure phenomena is happening because more folks are finding work to be fun and want to stay connected during leisure periods. Really! Fun! Who’s kidding whom!?

For couples and families that have an honest, true, sincere and intimate connection with one another, I wonder how they view the “fun of weisure” as a reason for disconnecting with one other at home, at play, or on vacation. Perhaps you can ask ten of your closest friends how their spouses, partners or children feel about the separation caused by one of them experiencing all the “fun” while conducting business at home, or on vacation.

Rather than enjoying the “fun” of doing business and choosing to stay connected 24/7, 365, my anecdotal research says folks are (1) inundated with more and more work they cannot handle in a “normal” workday work and/or (2) fearful, guilty or anxious that if they don’t stay connected 24/7, 365, they may find themselves out of a job, and/or (3) they are addicted to their computers and/or (4) they have become emotionally disconnected from their families in favor of social networking and connecting outside their relationship – their “lover” or mistress is now the Internet. My take is that “weisure” is NOT ubiquitous because work now has more “meaning” or provides “fun.” The test – “If you won the lottery today would you continue to work as long and as hard in a 24/7, 365 “weisure” world? Be honest.

The downside of “weisure”

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” – Elbert Hubbard

The really upsetting fallout of living in a “weisure” world is sacrificing one’s privacy and the abdication of precious relaxation time. With the increasing blurring of work and leisure, research shows fewer and fewer folks are actually taking vacations. Many feel not only that they have to stay connected on holidays and weekends but that they actually fear they might lose their jobs if they went on vacation. And for those who actually do take a vacation, how many need to “unwind” after they come back from a “weisure-driven” vacation – as stressed when they return as they were before they left? The number of these folks increases yearly.

Stressed out, overworked and overwhelmed, many folks need time off but are worried and fearful that a short vacation could lead to a permanent one. They feel dammed if they do; damned if they don-t. Not a very psychologically healthy place to be.

The psycho-emotional-mental-physical effects of a “weisure” lifestyle are quite disturbing. More and more folks are experiencing stress-related dis-eases and illness, family dysfunction and disruption, and really rough times holding it together at work. The workplace is being populated by ever-growing numbers of disengaged, unproductive, underperforming and exhausted employees -not to mention those experiencing serious states of depression, addiction, self-neglect and serious overt or silent anger.

At home, these folks now have no idea how to “take it easy” or relax without working.

The parking areas of many of the office parks I run through, and drive around, are often one quarter or more full on weekends, evenings and holidays. “Weisure?”

Why vacations and honest leisure time are important

“Using a camera appeases the anxiety which the work-driven feel about not working when they are on vacation and supposed to be having fun. They have something to do that is like a friendly imitation of work: they can take pictures.“- Susan Sontag

Simple, taking time for one’s self is a non-negotiable “must” to maintain a healthy mind, body and soul. It’s impossible to run a car engine on all cylinders 24/7, 365. The human body, mind and psyche are no different – dependency on energy drinks notwithstanding.

Leisure time and vacations, spent consciously, serve as preventative medicine. They allow time for de-stressing, decompressing, rejuvenating, replenishing and re-connecting with one’s self. It is when we consciously allow a real genuine opportunity of space for relaxation and novelty that we can discover the unconscious level of tension and stress we’ve been carrying day-to-day. In fact, the first few days of vacation usually begin the process of unwinding, which is followed by the recognition of a need for rest, relaxation and a deeper settling of our body, mind and spirit. And, if you’re fortunate, your vacation is long enough to allow you to enter into the phase of real rejuvenation.

Now the greater question is “What type of vacation do you take?” For some people vacation is wall-to-wall sight seeing, visiting family, exercise boot camp, or staying “connected” i.e., doing, doing, doing which is inevitably followed by that odd aftermath of “I need a vacation from my vacation.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When was your last “real” vacation?
• What does “vacation” mean for you?
• What are the elements of a favorite vacation for you?
• Do you take the type of vacation that really nurtures and nourishes you? Be honest.
• How do you prepare for your vacation?
• How do you transition from vacation to home to work?
• How is the first week back after your return?
• How are you at the end of the second week back after your return?
• What did you discover about yourself on recent vacations? Did you have time for any discovery?
• Is there something you learned about yourself on vacation that influences a change you want to implement into your everyday life?
• How do you experience your self on vacation? Do you enjoy your “self” away from the everyday routine?
• Was your work life and home life supported in your absence? Were the bases covered?
• Were you able to really disengage or were your Blackberry and laptop traveling companions?
• What was vacation like before you had a SmartPhone, IPhone, laptop or other digital gadget?
• How much vacation time do you have and take each year? How much do you need?
• Has your relationship suffered because of your “weisure” activities. Be honest. What would you spouse, partner or children say?
• What were vacations like when you were growing up?
• Can you visualize a world where you can take a vacation and truly leave work behind? Would you want to?

“And so we take a holiday, a vacation, to gain release from this bondage for a space, to stand back from the rush of things and breathe again. But a holiday is a respite, not a cure. The more we need holidays, the more certain it is that the disease has conquered us and not we it. More and more holidays just to get away from it all is a sure sign of a decaying civilization; it was one of the most obvious marks of the breakdown of the Roman empire. It is a symptom that we haven’t learned how to live so as to re-create ourselves in our work instead of being sapped by it.” – Evelyn Underhill

————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Behaving Badly – Is it OK?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“The ideals which have always shown before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness beauty and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness had never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient only for a herd of cattle.” – Albert Einstein

Behaving badly, without guilt
Some people routinely behave in ways that are out of integrity, unethical, immoral and untrustworthy and yet never experience guilt. How does this happen?

A growing body of evidence indicates such folks “disengage” from their core values, from their moral compass and even consciously “forget” information that would otherwise limit their inappropriate behavior. They rationalize their dishonest behavior in a way that lets them off the “honesty” hook.

These dishonest folks – white-collar and blue-collar – live and work in virtually every system and organization – finance, politics, healthcare, education – even live in our homes. Our society has become inundated by the “dishonest” and “untrustworthy.”

Psychologists tell us that “moral disengagement” and “moral self-regulation” lead to dishonesty. By either commission or omission, these folks, when behaving dishonestly (1) link their act to their moral goals and values or (2) uncouple their dishonesty from their moral goals and values. We seem to be experiencing more and more of the latter.

Symptoms of behaving badly
When  behaving dishonestly and unethically, one experiences both mental and physical reactions. Mentally, one experiences “cognitive dissonance” – a knowing that there is a “disconnect” between one’s act and one’s value system, and a “felt sense somatically – i.e., in the body- that is experienced as some flavor of physical discomfort.

So, how do folks respond to their dissonance and discomfort? How do they come to grips with their distress?

There are those who “do the right thing” and move into alignment with their core values and moral code. And there are those who go through a “rationalization and judgmental” process, i.e., “moral disengagement,” in order to clear their conscience, to view their action as “morally permissible.”

Too,  there are those who disengage morally in order to benefit from another’s dishonest or unethical behavior (e.g., buying clothes from a company that ignores human rights and uses child labor).

What about me?
Do I use “moral disengagement” as a strategy to excuse my or another’s unethical actions as “permissible?” To what extent do I use moral disengagement to actually perpetuate unethical and dishonest behavior – mine and/or others’?

The number of “hypocrites” who have surfaced or been “outed” in recent days, weeks, months and years, for example, in the arenas of politics, sports, finance, religion, health care, business and the like are prime examples of the duplicity that moral disengagement perpetuates.

The hypocrisy is couched in the belief that “I engage in more ethical behavior than others.” Or, “I am less unfair than others.” Or “I have a right to be more suspicious of others’ actions than they do of mine.” Or, “others are more greedy and driven by money than I am.” Or, “I am more honest and trustworthy than others.”

Guilt, shame and self-regulation
The ego-need underlying moral disengagement is absolution of guilt, blame or shame for one’s dishonesty, for the disconnect between one’s values and actions. When one acts dishonestly, their tendency to morally disengage is higher than when they consider another’s unethical behavior – i.e., “I’m ethical and you’re not.”

Most of us can self-censure – consciously view our actions, and self-regulate, i.e., act morally or not. Everyone has the choice to engage in good behavior or bad behavior and judge their own actions, accordingly.

The ethical and moral bottom line is whether one chooses to activate their self-regulatory process – to consciously consider their values, standards, moral code and conduct in the moment. There are those who choose to not engage their self-regulatory process and morally disengage. That choice to morally disengage depends on the strength of one’s core values and motivations.

Life at work, at home, at play and in relationship
“It is not always the same thing to be a good man and a good citizen.” Behaving Badly – Is it OK? – Aristotle

A major factor affecting the degree to which one morally disengages, and rationalizes dishonesty, is their environment and culture –  work, home, play and relationship.

Where you live, work, play and relate, what is the culture around dishonesty, cheating, lying, or behaving unethically? What are the tacit, subtle, silent or unwritten rules that reflect immorality, illegality, dishonesty and unethical behavior? Is moral disengagement a “business-as-usual” strategy, or an “everybody does it” rationalization? Is there a growing sense of pervasive dishonesty?

Do you have an obsessive need to fit in” or “stand out,” to be regarded as “somebody” that forces you to succumb to an unethically permissive environment?  What opportunities, pressures or “silent consent” might drive you to lie, cheat and steal?

The antidote for moral disengagement
Life is choices. Pure and simple. Folks choose to be ethical or unethical, trustworthy or untrustworthy. Here are some suggestions that can support you and others to live from a place of honesty, and ethical and trustworthy behavior:

Conduct formal, on-going conversations about ethics and moral behavior. These discussions can help to put a stop to some folks’ moral disengagement.

Ask individuals to read, discuss and sign a “moral code of behavior” or honor code. These actions can help raise people’s awareness which can stem the tide of unethical behavior.

Foster open and public agreement to live (i.e., “operationalize these behaviors at “9:00 Monday morning in measurable and observable ways) the espoused values of the organization, family, or team and have open conversations with others when they behave badly

Review processes and procedures that invite dishonesty and institute  ways to prevent inappropriate behavior from occurring.

Publicize behaviors and practices that have detrimental effects on individuals.

Increase the transparency of discussions around organizational policies and practices. Greater discourse can lead to less moral disengagement.

Agree to hold others accountable for their actions when they behave badly, which leads to….

Initiating consequences. There must be consequences for bad behavior. Period!

Self-responsibility – it’s all about “me.”
In the final analysis, you are responsible for your actions. “The devil made me do it” and “Everybody does it” excuses don’t apply – ever.

You alone are responsible for the alignment and congruence – or lack of each – between action, goal and motivation, for  moral engagement. Whether you choose to adhere to your internal moral rules or not, is your choice.

The sad corollary of moral disengagement is that, like a progressive drug, the need to morally disengage can spiral down into a vortex leading to a life of obsessive lying, cheating, stealing and dishonesty.

“The needs of society determine its ethics.” Maya Aneglou

Living for the moment, driven by greed, caught up in competition and living in an environment that says, “It’s OK to be a criminal,” moral disengagement has become a “behavior-du-jour.”  When we uncouple our behavior from our internal moral compass, with an “ends justifies the means” or “everybody does it” mindset, we are putting our individual futures at risk. The Universal Law of Attraction – The Universal Law of the Circle – or the spiritual principle of Karma says what we give out we get back.

Is “moral disengagement” the underlying life principle of the legacy you want to leave?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Is getting ahead more important than how you get there?
• Is cheating OK if no one gets hurt? How so?
• Do you rationalize unethical behavior because others are doing it?
• Do the ends justify the means?
• Are you aware of the ethical standards in your workplace? At home? Do you ever engage in discussions about ethics and standards?
• Do you use euphemistic language to condone moral disengagement? How so?
• Do you ever morally disengage in your personal life to justify unethical or dishonest behavior?
• Do you ever encourage others ignore their own moral restraints?
• Do you purchase products from companies you know to be in violation of human rights or other ethical standards?
• On a scale of 1-10, how trustworthy would you say you are? What would others say? How do you know?
• How did you experience qualities such as integrity, honesty, and trust as you were growing up?
• Can you envision a life where moral disengagement is never an option?

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering