Identity – Who Are You?

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“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free”
– Ralph Ellison

“Identification” or “identity” is one way we use to define who we are. Either historically, or in the present moment, we come to view ourselves in some way, shape or form that identifies “who I am.” Identity can take the form of an image, an impression, an emotion or feeling, or a body sensation and make it one of the many building blocks that define “me.” Forms of identity that we took on early in life or create in the present moment might include: I am a strong man; I am an optimist; I am an extrovert; I am a spiritual person; I am a happy person; I am a fearful person; I am a worrier;  I am a manager; I am a parent, etc.

When we speak about “identity” what we are saying is that I AM this quality or image, even if I am not consciously aware of this quality or image in the moment, even if I am not speaking this to myself in the moment. It’s a “given.” This quality  or image is part of the fabric of who I take myself to be, i.e., who I am. We believe it is True – with a capital T.

For example, let’s use how we might identify with an emotion, anger. If I am identified with my anger (I am an angry person…quietly angry, usually seething,  or overtly angry, usually very vocal in my anger…as a general way of being), then my response to a person, event or circumstance that I am experiencing says in some way, “I want to be angry,” or “I need to be angry,” or “I can justify my anger,” or “I have a right to be angry,” etc. and then proceed to act out on my anger. I identify with my anger. My anger is who I am.

If I am not identified with my anger, that is, seeing that I do get angry from time to time, but not being identified with my anger, I can witness the same person, event or circumstance and feel or sense my anger and say, “OK, so I feel some anger. It’s here and it’ll subside. I’ll just be with it, observe it in me and allow it to dissipate” without having to “do” anything about it, i.e., act it out, or “get” angry.

Identification means we define ourselves by something. – I AM that something – that image, that emotion, that feeling. Who I believe I am is not separate from that quality or image.

Identification also means that I am invested in that quality. I have a conscious wanting or needing to be that quality or image.

So, one clue as to whether we are identified to a particular quality is look at how we respond to an event in the moment.

When we are identified by a quality, or an image (of who I am), we are taken over by that quality or image when we experience an event. It’s a pull, like an addiction. We live much of our life addicted to having an identity, not wanting to be free of that identity and and are continually creating that identity. I am….(fill in the blank).

As we go through life, we take on, and shed, various identities.

We take on identities related to our work or career, identities related to being a man or woman, identities related to sports, education, spirituality, to our beauty, our nationality, to being a happy child or an abused child, being the black sheep of the family, being the “happy (sad…) one – all identities which we want everyone to know. The deal is that we then believe that if we let go of out identity, we will be no one, we will lose our sense of “who I am” – we become disconnected from our True and Real self.

The point?
When we came into the world we came in without any “identity” so to speak; we were a “tabla rosa,” (and I know are differing perspectives on this) a clean slate.  In that state, we were free, light, natural, easy, relaxed, simple (in the positive sense). This state, called presence, is still within us, still accessible.  In a state of presence, we need no mental operations to create “who I am,” i.e., we need no identifications.  We just are. I am!

In this state of presence we have no need to “identify.” We have a sense of confidence, groundedness and surety. However, when we let go of this state, when in the throes of stress, conflict, overwhelm, or confusion, we forget who we are and then sense the need to grasp on to an “identity” to make me feel safe.

When we don’t trust our True and Real self, when we stray from the Essence of who we were when we came into this existence, our reactive inclination is to grab on to an image or identity of “who I am” and then shove this identity on to others to show them “I am (this or that)” – a need to be seen as this or that. In this place, we are not be-ing, we are not authentic, and we are not trusting of our Essential nature.

How to disidentify
When we see that we are caught up in an identity, we can begin the process of letting go of it, not by efforting, not by “working” on it, but simply by becoming aware of it, noticing it, seeing it for what it is. As you become aware of the identity, observe it, watch it and witness it, it will begin to dissolve over time. If you are not willing to be free of your identification, then, yes, you are deeply identified. If you are willing to become free of your identification, slowly it will fall away.

Finally, you are not “bad” or “wrong” for having identifications. It’s part of the psycho-emotional developmental process of life. But it’s not part of who we have to be. That’s the choice.

When we are able to disassociate from our identities, then we can be more real, and more authentic in our everyday experiences – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What identifications define you?
• Who are you?
• What reactions, attitudes, preferences, “stories,” desires and attachments can help you recognize how you are identified?
• How do you feel about your identifications?
• Do your identifications constrain you in your everyday life experiences? How so?
• When do you feel most free of identifications?
• Who would you be and how would you feel if you were not (fill in with one of you identifications – an image, an emotion…)?
• If you asked your best friend what s/he saw as your identifications, what would s/he say? Would you agree?
• Why do you choose your identities? What do they “get” you?
• Can you visualize having no identifications? What does that feel like?
• How did you come to have the identifications you have?
• Without your identities, would you feel (a) more or less secure, (b) more or less free?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Friendship and Burgers

 

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The New Oxford American Dictionary has an entry which was a recent Word of the Year: unfriend. If you’re not familiar with the Ins and Outs of social networking , or don’t have children, it means: “to remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.” The dictionary offers the example: “I decided to unfriend my roommate on Facebook after we had a fight.”
The etymologists and lexicographers can argue the merits of unfriend vs. de-friend, or the verb vs. adjectival form. I’m curious about the deeper psycho-emotional-spiritual experience of “unfriending.”

When you unfriend someone, there’s no dialogue, no conversation and no discussion. You choose their name, click on a command and poof!, your friend(ship) is instantaneously deleted. As for how your “friend” reacts when they find out, I guess that’s their problem. Such is the nature of online friendship. In and out – quick and easy. As for connection, trust and intimacy? Those seem to be superfluous.

So, here we go again. The arguments supporting how one can so easily create community, connection and communion in social networks, where deep trust and intimacy become the glue that binds one’s friendships again appear specious – arguments offered by those who have some underlying emotional/ need to offer them.

Intimacy vs. the mundane
From what I read, hear and observe about social networks, true and real intimacy, connection and communion are the exception that prove the rule. Friendship for most is, at best, casual. The banal, desultory, and mundane exchanges, or the rehashing and back-and-forth of everyday ideas and information in an effort to (1) connect, (2) feel seen and appreciated, (3) massage one’s ego, (4) feel secure and un-abandoned or (5) disengage from what one should really be engaged in, are not the stuff of True and Real Friendship.

How and why would I choose to delete a “friend” in the blink of an eye? And what is that friendship like in the first place? What’s the foundation on which I’ve built such a friendship? Intimacy, trust, and connection? Doubtful.

As loudly as one argues, True and Real Friendship cannot be created over the ethers. The appearance and perhaps momentary “connection” that one feels with an online “relationship” is no different from a real-time “long-distance” relationship. And we know that many, if not most, long distance relationships don’t work out in the long run, especially when the two partners eventually come face to face for the long term. Why?

Personal-ness
In a word – personal-ness. The one most-important building block of a conscious, healthy and strong relationship is emotional connection – the emotional connection that kicks in when two folks are sitting face-to-face, knee-to-knee, eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart. An emotional connection – the good, the bad and the ugly – that arises when “physical space and contact” are the ground of connection – a ground that, for all intents and purposes, is lacking in social networking. That’s not to say a “feel-good” emotional substitute is impossible; it’s not; but it is a substitute – the type of “feel-good” feeling one might experience in the initial throes of an affair, or when ensconced in an alcohol or drug “high.” But it’s not the True and Real interpersonal-ness that occurs in personal connection – thus, one major reason one experiences little to no remorse or discomfort in “unfriending” someone. The “void” makes it easy. There is no True and Real emotional or “human” connection in a “void.”  In fact, there is no True and Real Friendship with the “friend” one is “unfriending.” Imaginary or superficial friendship, perhaps; but that’s all.

Oh, and the kicker?
A few ears back, Burger King unveiled its new offering – the Angry Whopper app. BK aligned with Facebook, creating an app to help promote its new burger. Instead of encouraging folks to join Facebook, and create new “friends,” Burger King’s new Whopper Sacrifice App offers you a free Whopper if you “defriend” ten folks from your friend list. Friends and friendship – so elusive, ephemeral and expendable. And folks are still talking about it!

The spiritualist Joan Borysenko writes: “We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch.”

Without heart-felt, intimate and True and Real emotional connection, friends and friendship will continue to erode into superficial, casual contacts – “friends” that we would just as easily “unfriend” for a burger! Pass the ketchup, please.

How sad!

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you generally communicate with folks at work? In person or electronically (even when in-person is very do-able)? How about with your partner/spouse or children during the day?
• How do you differentiate between True and Real friends and casual friends?
• Do you have trust issues with any of your friends?
• Are you usually emotionally available when folks need you? Are your friends emotionally there for you?
• Have you “dropped” a friend, or been “dropped”  by a friend recently? Why? What was that like for you? How so?
• Do you ever feel lonely, isolated or depressed? How so?
• All things being equal, if you had the chance, would you tell your online friends when you’re coming to their city or town and ask to see them in person? If they came to your town, would you invite them to dine with your family? If not, why not?
• Do you avoid face-to-face conversations?
• In what other ways do you avoid emotional connection with others?
• Are you addicted to Twitter, Facebook or other social networking sites?
• Do you have more online friends than “real-time” friends? If so, why?

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering