LUI – Living Under the Influence

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Most everyone understands DUI – driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or being influenced by a drug-induced capacity. We are well aware of the real and potential consequences for one who is driving under the influence as well as for those who are potential victims of the driver.

But what about living under the influence? How many of us live our day-to-day lives – at work, at home , at play and in relationship – under the influence?”

“What influence?,” you might ask.

Well, there’s influence and there’s influence

The usual suspects

Well, there is the influence of illegal drugs, legal drugs like prescription drugs and alcohol. These influence some, not all, of the addicts in our midst. Most often, these folks are “functioning” addicts – those who manage to pursue a career, get to work on time every day, pay their bills, be married and raise and care for their children, and do everything that society views as moral.

The deal with functioning addicts is they show up but how well they handle the functions of their roles – inside and outside of work – is the curiosity. In addition, is the fact that while the functioning addict might be “handling the outside” aspects of their life, there’s no doubt their “inside” is suffering and, perhaps, even dying – in their body, their mind and their spirit. Interestingly, the reasons they “use” are the same as for the “unusual” suspects.

The unusual suspects

So, who are those who never touch legal or illegal drugs or alcohol, but still are living life under the influence? And, what influence?

Influencers take many forms for the addicted: food (sugar, chocolate, caffeine, energy drinks, salt, or fast food, etc.), activities (work, sex, exercise, meditation, watching TV, sleeping, reading, shopping, computer games or social networking, etc.) and thinking (ruminating, telling stories, fantasizing, or daydreaming, etc.). These influencers reduce or eliminate the capacity for one to be real and authentic, and instead serve to support one to live life as a fake, or unauthentic shell, of one’s True and Real Self.

These influencers allow us to experience a type of escape from the harsh, challenging realities of life. Escape is easily experienced when induced by drugs, alcohol, food, TV, overwork, over exercising, fantasizing, and the other influencers.

Escape – denial and withdrawal

The single, solitary fundamental reason folks narcotize, numb or medicate themselves is this: they are uncomfortable with their immediate experience – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, social, financial, etc. – and want or need an escape.

Even those who protest, for example, “I only drink when I go out so I can enjoy myself and have fun” or “I can’t relax unless I get to the gym and exercise intensely for three hours” or “I watch TV so I don’t have to think about my life” or “I need sugar and caffeine to stay alert at work.”  All of these can be translated as, “I can cope better if I’m living under the influence.” The reverse is the reality: unless I am under the influence, I can’t experience fun, joy, happiness, aliveness, or well-being and just be myself.

Why do we choose to be influenced?

Escape is the motivation. All of life poses challenges and obstacles – all of life. Many folks resist the pain and suffering of their life’s challenges and obstacles. They resist the tensions which cause the average person concern, worry, sadness, fear or anger as a fact of life. Not wanting to, or being able to, experience what they don’t like – their discomfort – they seek to balance it, or remove it, i.e., numb and medicate themselves from their experience with something that in the moment seems “pleasurable.” Their need to avoid is the basis for behaviors such as greed, pleasure seeking or escape (motives which, in themselves, can offer an insight as to what we are avoiding). The thought is that if I deny what I’m feeling then somehow I will have a different or better life, or different or better experience in this moment, a different or better “me.”

Influencers are a wake-up call

In essence, influencers are a call for connection – connection to our authentic self, our True and Real Self. Unfortunately, these substitutes are anything but a connection to our Inner Self. Contrary to popular thinking or wishing, there is no way that influencers can give us an authentic experience of ourselves, or give others an authentic experience of who we are.

The antidote to influence

The antidote to influencers is taking an honest look at what we’re trying to avoid and to explore what we’re resisting with honesty, sincerity, self-responsibility, humility, self-respect, dignity, and  openness.

Only by exploring and moving through the discomfort, absent the influencers, can we evolve and transform as a human being, in the same fashion that a seed needs to struggle through its hard shell to evolve into a flower, the caterpillar into the butterfly.

Frequently, our happiness is dependent upon the fulfillment of our desires – to be smarter, prettier, more spiritual, more loving, more relaxed, thinner, funnier, healthier, sexier, a better manager, secretary, wife, parent, lover, sportsman or woman, etc.

When we are attached to our needs to be bigger, better, faster, etc., we are controlled by them and in their control, we almost always feel “less than” in some way, shape or form. So, we reach out for the influencer to avoid experiencing our discomfort, our feelings and our emotions.

Influencers serve to make us feel good for a while. Mind drugs and other influencers anesthetize us temporarily from the pain of separation from our True and Real Self. When the influencer wears off, upon re-entry into our real life, we are back where we started and we find ourselves back in reality. The short-lived euphoria is rudely interrupted by life – and our challenges are still there. Only the “real thing.” i.e., the True, Real and Authentic “me” can heal our pain or discomfort.

Influencers impact our nervous system – creating artificial cravings, confusion about what we truly want, ping-ponging us from uppers to downers, over-stimulation and under-stimulation, and adversely affecting our psycho-socio-emotional well-be-ing.

How can we show up, real and authentic, when living under the influence? We can’t. Rather we live from a place of abuse, violence, fear, confusion, and overwhelm, having no clear idea of “who I am.”

When we resist allowing our emotional body to nurture us, to feed us, to enlighten us, we experience discontent, discomfort, dis-ease and despair. And so we try to satisfy this discomfort with our addictions. We’ll continue to experience discomfort until we face it head on. Until we do, our addictions to our influencers will continue to grow – more drugs, food, alcohol, work, TV, spending, sleeping. It’s a no-way-out proposition.

Influencers, and our desperate need for them, will never bring a true sense of well-be-ing, love and peace – never. Only by confronting our discomfort, going deep into our self can we find the space where angels reside. Escaping and losing the connection with our mind, body and spirit, only leads to greater and greater repressed insecurity and becomes our preferred mode of operation when we live under the influence.

Living under the influence is a dead end. The good news is that a dead end is the best place to turn around.

So, some questions for self-reflection:

• What self-images, or materialistic wants and needs are you attached to that cause you suffering or restrict you in some way?
• What are your “influencers of choice?”
• What was life like around “influencers” when you were growing up – for you, your parents and your friends?
• Who or what are you consistently trying to escape from?
• When are you most uncomfortable with yourself? Why?
• How do you feel when your influencers are unavailable?
• What one or two small steps could you take to wean yourself away from your influencers?
• Can you envision a world where you can be yourself without any need for influencers? How do you feel when you consider this idea?

 

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Pointing Fingers

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Hardly a day has gone by in 2018 that newspapers, magazines, TV talk shows, and workplace water cooler conversation has not included mention of individuals in business, entertainment, sports, government, education, health and medicine……- who have been accused of actions that are either immoral or unethical, but folks who maintain that “I have done nothing illegal.” There seems to be no end to the line of folks who wait their turn to point their accusatory finger at others behaving badly.

The common refrain of each of these folks who has been caught behaving badly, unethically, has generally concocted a “story” that allows them to rationalize and justify their immoral or unethical behavior – a story each uses to absolve themselves of blame or guilt so they can create their own so-called truth rather than own their inappropriate behavior. Thus, their “I did nothing illegal” story or some flavor of it is simply a ploy to evade self-responsibility.

However, there’s something more here in the groundswell of the masses who are so quick to judge others. What is not being “outed” among this list of folks who aggressively assert their “legal non-guilt” in order to mask their unethical behavior is that this list of evil-doers does not include another individual, and that is “Everyman” – you and me.

From the boardroom on the 52nd floor to the mail room in the basement, and on every floor in between, there is a “me” – someone who has not taken the moral high ground, someone whose moral compass does not point north, someone who has driven off the high road – someone who has their own “story” to justify their unethical, illegal or immoral behavior.

When we point our accusatory finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back to “me.”

When I read the daily listing of well-known perpetrators who are behaving immorally and unethically, my gut is to include “everyman” – those among us who are not well-known, famous or infamous, but who are behaving badly nevertheless.

For example, folks who steal supplies from the office, pens and towels from hotels, cheat on their income taxes, call in sick when they aren’t, spend company time surfing the Internet, refuse to pay vendors with trumped-up “excuses,” bilk clients out of more fees than they deserve, “borrow” intellectual property, keep two sets of books at home. Each of these has their “story” (“I’ve done nothing illegal”) which they tell to rationalize and justify their inappropriate behavior, behavior that is no more or no less egregious than the “big-shots” who appear in daily newscasts.

If one person steals 50 billion dollars while a number of non-notorious individuals find ways, for example, to steal small amounts which, over time, whose collective thefts add up to substantial amounts of money, they are no less culpable. Their low road, or moral compass is no less “off” than the “named” personalities. It’s not the “amount.” It’s the behavior.

And those who say this is an “apples-oranges” comparison need to question their own thought-process, i.e, their own “story” about why they need to think that way, separating themselves from those who are behaving badly.

The point here is that these “big fish” were at one time “small fish.” When did the inappropriate behaviors they exhibited on the way up begin and how did the degree of inappropriateness increase? Taking their first drink, the alcoholic never dreams of becoming an alcoholic. Eating a first dish of ice cream, the slim never dreamed of becoming obese. Making an initial furtive glance, the innocent never envisioned having an affair. But they all have their “stories” that rationalize a next drink, a next dish of ice cream and a next glance – and more. The way one stolen pen, or dollar, or idea or kiss leads to major acts that are immoral or unethical, perhaps not “illegal.”

So, what are our stories, and how did we come to create them in order to justify our immoral and unethical behavior?

So, while we point the accusatory finger at these others, at the same time it’s important that we muster the courage and strength to explore “me” – at whom we are pointing the other three fingers. What about me?

Integrity is not a cloak we put on and take off when convenient. On – only when I accuse others; off – when I need to cut myself a little “integrity slack” in order to justify why I lie, cheat or steal. Integrity is like being pregnant. Either one is or one isn’t. There’s no such thing a being “a little bit pregnant,” or “a bit less in integrity.”

Many of us are quick to judge and criticize others who act without integrity, without ethics, without morality. But many of us are just as prone to separate from our core values when it’s convenient. The question is: “Why?” What does acting out of integrity get me and what is the truth, the real truth about “my story” (my hypocrisy) I use to rationalize or justify my unethical or immoral behavior? Why am I so quick to point the accusatory finger at others but turn a blind eye to my own unethical behavior?

No single snowflake ever wants to be responsible for the avalanche. Many of us are those snowflakes that contribute to the avalanche of blue- and white-collar crimes and misdemeanors and unethical behavior we are facing in this country. It’s not others who lack inner moral compasses and choose the load road. As Pogo, said, “We have met the enemy and he is us” – i.e., you and me.

Perhaps while standing on line waiting to accuse, we might take a moment and reflect on our own ethics and morality in how we are dealing with others.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you have a “story” you use to absolve yourself from guilt, shame or blame when you act out of integrity? How does your story make you feel?
• How do you feel when others who have acted immorally or unethically but not “illegally” state their rationalization or justification?
• Who or what usually takes you out of integrity? How so?
• Does it ever bother you when you are out of integrity? How do you deal with the “bother?”
• Do you use the same definition to define integrity, ethics or morality for yourself and for others? If not, why not?
• How do you respond when others’ unethical acts affect you?
• What was your experience around unethical or immoral behavior as you were growing up? How did these experiences make you feel?
• Can you envision a life where you never act immorally, unethically or out of integrity? What would that be like?

——————————————-———-
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering