Trust in the Workplace and Why We Lie

 

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Like it or not, believe it or not, we bring our biology and biography to work, i.e., we bring our “family” and history to work. It’s a fact of psycho/emotional life – even at work.

So, at work, many of the folks we interact with, in some way, (consciously or unconsciously, emotionally, energetically and psychologically) remind us of members of our families.

Early wounding
As young children we learned to act/respond in ways that (1) brought us mommy and daddy’s love, approval, acceptance and acknowledgement and/or (2) kept us safe from harm, trauma or abuse. As children, it’s also a fact of life that everyone is “wounded” by parents or primary caregivers who are doing their best, but, nevertheless – unintentionally – are wounding, harming or traumatizing their child in some way through their language, judgments, criticisms, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. This is true even in those households on Candy-Cane Lane where everything was “just beautiful and loving and no one raised their voice.” In childhood, wounding occurs.

The wounding imprint
Thus the child grows up with an imprint on their brain and carries an emotional make-up in their body that translates into feelings -feelings they are deficient, lacking, unworthy or not good enough. As the child enters into adolescence, they have come to “know” or “believe” they need to think and act in certain ways to protect their self from others- real or perceived disapproval, negative judgment, criticism or verbal or physical harm.

The 3-4-5-year-old adult
So, we now fast-forward to adult life at work (and, truth be told, at home, at play and in most relationships). Since most folks who have not done personal work are usually unaware of these childhood experiences and the resulting psychodynamics, many folks are really acting out their 3-4-5 year old emotional selves in adult bodies, wearing adult clothes – especially those who insist, “Hey I am adult; I am mature, I am! I am! I am!”

So, when these individuals face people, circumstances  or events at work that can affect whether or not they receive the energetic, emotional and psychological equivalent of “mommy or daddy’s” love, acceptance or approval, their knee-jerk reptilian brain reactively compels them to “do what it takes” to “get the love.”

Consciously and unconsciously, feeling deficient, feeling lacking, feeling unworthy and feeling afraid that truth-telling might end in some type of  “punishment,”  disapproval or rejection, they resort to lying as one option or defense to deflect “being punished” and losing the love and acceptance they truly want and are seeking.

The AHAs
When folks do personal growth, and spiritual awareness work, they often discover the various ways they have donned masks, veils, and put on false personalities to cover up their sense of “I’m deficient,” “I’m not good enough” or “I need to make people like me” beliefs and self-images. With personal work, self-awareness, they uncover or discover the truth of why they are who they are as adults. With this awareness, they can then shed their self-limiting beliefs, their masks and their need to lie. They begin to see the false self-images they created to protect themselves and learn how to “show up” as authentic, as their true and real self and “tell the truth” first, to themselves and then, to others.

The truth will set you free
From this place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturation, a place where the “truth sets one free,” folks move to a place of being real, a place they experience as refreshing, light, and honest. In this place, they have no need for duplicity, disingenuineness, faking, phoniness, or fear. And, amazingly and refreshingly, they discover “telling the truth is not as bad as I thought.” As the expression goes, “The Truth shall set you free.”

The deeper question, the curiosity, is why so many of us refuse to believe the truth will set us free.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What was truth-telling like when you were growing up? (for you, your primary caregivers, relatives, friends, etc.)? How so?
• When did you first discover you had a need to lie?
• What did lying get you? Specifically?
• Did anyone teach you how to lie? How so?
• So, today, where/when do you find yourself lying? How so?
• Do you ever admonish others for lying? When and why?
• When you lie, do you blame it on events or circumstances and not your character?
• When others lie, do you blame it on the events and circumstances in their life or on some character flaw they have?
• Would you say you’re a trustworthy person?
• Are you a trusting person?
• Has anyone ever told you they can’t trust you? If so, what was that like?
• Do you lie to yourself? About what?

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Work, Play or Misery?

 

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In the current economy, it seems obvious that having a job – any job – is better than having no job at all. But is that really true?

In the Journal Occupational Environmental Medicine, a study by Dr Peter Butterworth, a senior research fellow at the Centre for Mental Health Research at the Australian National University found that as far as mental health is concerned, some jobs are so demoralizing that they’re worse than having no job at all. While the study was conducted a few years back, the findings are as valid today as they were then, perhaps even moreso.

The study followed more than 7,000 Australians over a seven-year period. It found that people who had been unemployed felt calmer, happier, less depressed and less anxious after they had found a job. But not just any job. They only felt better is that job was rewarding and manageable.

In exploring individuals’ mental state, employment status, and (if they had a job) working conditions they either enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy, the survey respondents were asked to what degree they agreed with statements such as “My job is complex and difficult” and “I worry about the future of my job.”

The research pinpointed four job characteristics linked with mental health: work complexity and demands, job security, compensation, and – crucially – control over one’s job (i.e, the freedom to decide how best to do it).

Recently-unemployed people who rated their job positive in these areas reported substantial improvements in their mental health. However, those newly employed who felt overwhelmed, insecure about their job stability, underpaid, and micromanaged reported sharp declines in their mental health, including increased depression and anxiety. Interestingly, those who couldn’t find a job fared better.

So the conventional wisdom, that “any job offers psychological benefits for individuals over the demoralizing effects of unemployment” – or any work is better than no work at all – is just not true.

What’s more, Dr Butterworth also suggests that certain jobs and job environments (notably call centers) are more likely to adversely affect one’ mental health.

Finally, the study suggests something that most of us know all too well. Namely, that managers have a direct impact on employees’ mental health and well-being. “Bad bosses will make anybody unhappy – and – stress comes from bad managers.”

And this brings me to a second, related point.

Marshall Goldsmith, the world-renowned executive coach, recently explored (in a piece in Business Week) why folks work. He asked, “Do you work to live or live to work?” (given the notion that most folks spend at least one-third to one-half of their waking hours at work).

In this vein, Mr Goldsmith asked a number of leaders how they viewed their work. They had three choices; they estimated the percentage of work that fell into three categories (you might want to give this a try yourself):

Play – work is fun; would do this regardless of whether or not you were paid to do it; it provides an outlet for creative energy or self-development and self-actualization.

Work – not play, not fun but work which you would do if you were reasonably compensated for it and work towards which you are committed.

Misery – not fun and no amount of money could make it fun; often tasks or activities you would attempt to avoid.

Here’s what Goldsmith found.

• 15 percent of what professionals do is considered play;
• 75 percent of what professionals do is considered work;
• 10 percent of what professionals do is considered misery.

So if our mental health can be put at risk depending on how we spend our time at work, what should we do about it? Generally, when you explore your life at work (and you might also consider at home, at play and in relationship as well), consider those activities that bring you fun (real fun, not faux, a “make-believe-this-is-fun” appearance of fun) and those that bring you some flavor of misery.

To do so, first clarify your natural tendencies related to how you interact with your world, so you can make better life and work choices and decisions.

Second, reflect on whether you are a good fit for what you choose to do in your life – both at work and at home. Do you ever make choices that really don’t fit you very well because you feel that you have to make them – and then resign yourself to living a life of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What proportion of your work would you define as “fun,” “work” or “misery.” Are you OK with this?
• What proportion of your relationship would you define as “fun,” “work” (in the sense that it “works” you and you “work” it to keep it conscious and healthy) and “misery?” Are you OK with this?
• If you’re uncomfortable with any of the above, what steps can you take to move in a direction that would make you more comfortable (and “leaving” is an option)?
• How much freedom do you have on your job? How about in your relationship (really, do you ever wish you had more freedom)?
• Is your mental health suffering due to your job or your relationship?
• Are you worried about your job? About your relationship? If so, why?

Third, do you know yourself very well – over and above your “packaging” and “trappings?” Do you understand your personality, your motivation, your triggers and the values that underpin your choices, actions and behaviors?

Often, “fun,” “work” and “misery” are functions of one’s personality or inherent traits. And being a square peg in a round hole is a recipe for misery, not fun – anywhere. Moreover, often the “square peg” is not ready, willing or able to adapt in order to make work more fun and less miserable.

So, does your life at work (and, yes, even at home, at play and in relationship) really, really fit your personality and style? Does your life at work (and at home) tend towards the “misery” side of the equation more than it does the “fun” or even “work” side? (“Work” in the context of a relationship meaning it is worth the effort to be in a relationship.) Every (worthwhile and healthy) relationship demands “work” – you work it; it works you.

Your mental health and well-being depend on how honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly you explore these questions and discern how much of your life is fun, honest “work,” and how much is just plain, unadulterated misery.

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Experiencing Loss

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Loss isn’t easy. It’s challenging to understand the purpose or meaning behind loss. We’re witnessing a tremendous amount of chaos, destruction and disharmony on the planet – man-made and natural – every time we read the papers, listen to the radio, go online or watch TV. Many of are us affected by what we hear, read and see.

The question most often asked in response to difficult events and circumstances is, “Why did this happen?” Actually, this is not the most appropriate question to ask, as very often we have no clue as to why “bad things happen.”  More appropriately, two other  questions can help us understand: (1) “Why is this happening FOR me?” and (2) “What can I/we learn from what has happened?” Underneath the questions is trusting that everything happens for a reason, a purpose.

There’s a life principle that says when something negative happens, something is out of alignment and that something needs to change in order to be in harmony with the bigger picture, that is, there is something I/we need to learn in order to do our part in bringing about the needed change, the required balance and harmony.

Since we are all connected to everyone and everything (as everything was/is created form the same source) what occurs to others does in some way also affect us. What happens on the planet is universal in nature, “speaking” to all of humanity. For example, reflecting on the significance of a hurricane, an earthquake, flood, destructive fires, or other “disasters” can help us gain some deeper (i.e., more than intellectual)  perspectives that might help us learn from these experiences and serve us well for the future.

Death, injury and destruction of property, loss of any kind, in fact, teaches us about “loss.” We experience loss in order to see more clearly what we value, where our values come from and what is of greatest value.

Upon reflection, loss of family and friends through death or separation, points to our own mortality, and teaches us to live life more fully in the present and be grateful for the people and experiences in our life.

Loss through experience of injury reminds us that pain and limitation are opportunities to learn lessons, reflect and awaken potentials within ourselves. On a more conscious level, or deeper level, we understand the soul never suffers “injury” and our deeper self, our soul, provides support, strength, courage, and understanding – qualities that support us when we know our body cannot do everything we want.

Loss through destruction of property and things we own reminds us that material things are temporary. (I often refer to folks who hope and pray that, when the end comes, their hearses will have luggage racks!). This type of loss teaches us to take care of what we have. Too, this type of loss can remind us to discriminate between what we need and what we desire.

The Buddhists tell us that pain and suffering (mental, emotional, physical, and psychological) often occur when we have indiscriminately accumulated far more than what we need and have been obsessed or controlled by our possessions. (Do you know that the self-storage business in the U.S is a multi-billion dollar a year business!)

Loss makes people turn within – leading us to connect to our fears, our values, our hopes and expectations. But more than anything, loss connects us with our fragility and vulnerability.

In the end, loss is an experience of being wounded. That is, we experience loss as feelings and emotions – feelings and emotions when honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly explored and inquired into often tell us we need to re-evaluate our relationships – how we feel about and connect with life and other people, at work, at home and at play.

On a level of higher consciousness, one of the more significant meanings of “natural disasters” is to put us in right relationship to nature. Disasters give us perspective – humility, often –  in that they make us realize that we are not the center of the universe (damn!, many folks will say), that we are not in control and cannot control everything that happens, that we are part of a greater dynamic, complex life that is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

Disasters are also a “tug on our sleeve” letting us know that nature is powerful and if we don’t respect and align with it we can cause more destruction through not taking responsibility for abusing our environment.

When (if?) we realize this, we must ask ourselves how to live harmoniously within life. We must also ask ourselves what is important in life and what we ought to be spending our time, energy and money doing and supporting.

Experiences of loss can be quite humiliating, which essentially means putting us in our place so that we can relate appropriately. We humans tend to be rather arrogant in our efforts to control.

Loss is always a time of renewal. Renewal must first take place within our thoughts. We must re-think our lives and make decisions that will better serve our purpose than continue to cater to, and be driven by, our need for comfort and control. Loss provides an opportunity to begin creating a new future in which we may create new ways of looking at relating to our self, to others, and to the planet.

We can do this only if our thinking goes in the direction of awakening feelings of responsibility toward the environment, and feelings of equality, acceptance and respect toward our fellow humans at work, at home and at play.

Loss prompts us to restore right relationships. As long as we think we can control everything it will be proven to us that we cannot. As long as we disregard the fact that we are part of nature, we will suffer the disconnections. As long as we judge ourselves superior to others or be judgmental toward them, that inequality will be challenged and we will experience fear of others in some way, shape or form. It’s this fear that will motivate us to do some things that are harmful to others and to ourselves.

Our disregard or ignorance of right relationships blocks the soul from expression but at the same time evokes its presence. Let experiences and feelings of loss teach us the needed lessons so that we can live life from a deeper place and have it infuse our minds, hearts and behaviors with empowering, confident, intelligent caring, concern, compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What can you learn (or have you learned) about yourself from losses, about your values, about how you relate to others, to things?
• What deeper heart-felt qualities do you need to express as a result?
• Who or what are you attached to? Who would you become if you lost or let go of these attachments?
• Are you a collector of stuff?
• Do you ever reflect on your own mortality? If so, what is/was that like?
• Do you sometimes feel or act as though you are the center of the Universe? If so, why?
• Do you have a need to control? If so, why?
• What are your top ten values? Why? What do these values get you?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering