Behaving Badly – Would I do That?

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Increasing incivility
Over the years and more recently, it seems to me at least, we’re experiencing a greater amount of rudeness and incivility in politics, college sports, professional sports, the workplace, our politics and government – to name a few of our cultural arenas. The one common denominator in these instances? IMHO, a demonstrated lack of people skills and disrespect.

The events and circumstances describes in the links above are indicative of this country’s move towards an increasingly, deepening dark energy that results in overt anger, resentment, rage and verbal abuse.

We seem to be gravitating towards a country where anything and everything goes, a country where people skills are unnecessary, where verbal violence and rage are acceptable, and fewer and fewer truly care about showing respect.

In the world of newscasts and talk-shows, and the world of texting, blogging and tweeting, many seem to care less about the “how” of what they say, focused solely on the “what” – “I’ll say what I want, how I want, whenever I want and to hell with anything or anyone else!”

While not all of society lacks appropriate people skills, it seems fewer and fewer folks are exhibiting civility and decorum in their interactions.

Worse before it gets better?
More and more research studies from social scientists, socioeconomists, and social psychologists are pointing to the increasing unsettling social mood in the United States, and across the world. Many say this mood will become a lot worse before improving.

The research points to a natural ebb and flow of social mood (positive vs. negative), especially noting that in darker times, socially and politically, we experience increased tension and negativity. We seem to be inhabiting these darker times.

Incivility, bullying, disrespect, meanness, and demeaning behavior are fast becoming the norm. Conversation, discussions, and interactions are fast moving in the direction where outrage, vitriol, rancor, incivility and disrespect are the tools one uses to get one’s point across.

And, let’s say this up front. Passion is never – ever – a reason to show disrespect, incivility or anti-social behavior.

Why do we behave badly?
One’s ego-based needs for control, recognition and security drive their thinking. We live in a culture where many folks’ identity (which gives them a sense of mental, physical, emotional and psychological control, recognition and security) is based on “what I know is true.” Agree with me, and we’ll get along. Disagree, and we’re enemies. When you agree with me, you acknowledge I’m “somebody.” When you disagree, you’re saying I’m a “nobody.” That’s the kicker. This way of identifying ourselves.

Unfortunately, agreeing to disagree and engaging in constructive dialogue are losing their allure in Western culture, being replaced by a knee-jerk reactivity characterized by a high-pitch, ever-escalating level of disrespect, incivility, meanness and personal attack.

The question beneath the question is: why are so may so uncivil? Shakespeare said, “An event is neither good nor bad, only thinking makes it so.”

The question beneath the question
So, “What am I thinking?” is an apt question. “What’s going on in me that brings me to act in an uncivil manner?”

In a word, fear. Fear that I’ll loose my identity, fear that I’ll be relegated to the ranks of “a nobody,” fear that no one will “see” me. And, in this fear state, the logical, thinking, rational, executive part of the brain shuts down while the reptilian, reactive emotional brain takes over and induces one to a fight, flight or freeze response. What we’re experiencing so much today is the unconscious, knee-jerk “fight” response.

Becoming conscious
So, how does one become more conscious of one’s often self-limiting and self-destructive “fighting” response? By consciously being curious about what’s underneath one’s choice to be uncivil, mean, disrespectful, and demeaning. By recognizing that one’s uncivil behavior is about needing to feel “seen” and “heard.”

In our culture of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, win vs. lose, and me vs. you, there is less and less room for “fighters” to accept differences. So, to survive as “somebody,” they resort to “ad hominem” attacks, threats and “put-downs” as a way to save their identity, feel better, by hoping to make the other a “nobody” – and by operating from a place of always needing be “right” – no matter what, no matter how.

The fighter, enmeshed in a reactive state of anger, fear, worry, resentment, defensiveness, feeling “small,” unseen, invisible, unrecognized, and unappreciated – a potential “nobody” – needs to “act out,” to make their point and feel secure and in control.

Becoming conscious means choosing to create an environment, an interaction, where one accepts and appreciates the uniqueness of another’s perspective, point of view, position or premise without automatically assuming a “me vs. you,” “intelligent vs. stupid,” “right vs. wrong,” or “good vs. bad” approach to dialogue.

Becoming conscious means choosing to move away from one’s intellectual zip code (“It’s all about me and what I know or think.”) and approach discussions and interactions with the curiosity of a “beginner’s mind,” a neutral mind, a curiosity, asking, for example, “How so?” to engage, rather than alienate another.

Becoming conscious means taking a deep breath, sensing into the body, experiencing (not acting out on) feelings and emotions, not being reactive and asking, “Why would a reasonable, intelligent, decent person like me consciously choose to be disrespectful, uncivil, mean and harm another person simply because their “information” is different from my “information?”

Be the change
Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.” So, if you find yourself engaging in uncivil, disrespectful, demeaning behavior, perhaps be curious as to why.

Rumi says, “Out beyond right doing and wrong doing, there is a field; I’ll meet you there.” – and respond from that place, interacting from that part of our self leads to respectful, accepting, compassionate, empathic, and civil interaction and dialogue.

We can choose to play in that field with our friends, colleagues, co-workers, even with those with whom we disagree. Or we can choose to engage and fight in a battlefield of words, ego, hostility and lost (or mistaken) identity. The former brings happiness, collegiality, collaboration, contentment and well-being – mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The latter leads to deeper pain, suffering and disconnection on every level.

Incivility, rudeness and meanness are all about “resistance” to someone or something “out there” with which one feels threatened and uncomfortable. Incivility and rudeness are unconscious, reactive behaviors stemming from the fear of loss of control, recognition and security. Incivility and negativity are largely about being right rather than happy, or about being a “somebody by making another a “nobody.”

The conscious question is “Why do I choose to be reactive, hurtful, negative and uncivil? Why? Really, really why? The conscious, deeper, sincere, honest and self-responsible answer will indicate it’s never – ever – about “him, her, it or them.”

Hmmm. That leaves only – me.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil, demeaning, or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify your behavior? How so?
• How do you generally interact with folks who disagree with you?
• Do you live life at work, at home, at play and in relationship from an “I need to be right” perspective? Would you generally rather be right than happy? If so, why do you think that’s so?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How so?
• Do you ever rationalize or justify another’s uncivil or disrespectful behavior? If so, how or why?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil or disrespectful manner? If so, how did you respond to their accusations?
• How did you learn to deal with disagreement as you were growing up? How did your parents deal with disagreement, either with one another, or when interacting with others who disagreed?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible folks respond to disagreement without being uncivil, bullying, angry, enraged, or otherwise disrespectful? What would that look like, sound like, feel like and be like?

 

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Unexamined Life is not Worth Living

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Socrates made this comment at his trial for heresy. He was on trial for encouraging his students to challenge the accepted beliefs of the time and to think for themselves. His sentence was death and Socrates did have the option of suggesting an alternative punishment – he could have chosen life in prison or exile, and would likely have avoided death.

Socrates, however, believed that these alternatives would rob him of the only thing that made life useful – examining the world around him and discussing how to make the world a better place. Without his “examined life” there was no point in living. Thus, he suggested that Athens reward him for his service to society. The result, of course, is that they had no alternative – they voted for the death penalty.

At his trial in 399BC, Socrates declared that from his incessant questioning (to become the “Socratic Method”), he found his contemporaries “spend” their time and their lives  pursuing various goals — money, ambition, possessions, pleasure, physical security  – without asking themselves if these goals were important. Unless people posed such a question and seriously, consciously, sought the answer — through careful reflection, alert observation and critical arguments — they would not know if they were doing the right thing.

The truth is, most folks avoid leading an examined life. It’s not that they don’t have time or make time. They actively choose not to examine their lives. Curious.

People who do examine their lives, who consciously think about where they’ve been, how they got here, and where they’re going, are much happier people. No one has all the answers. And no one’s life is free from trouble, strife and challenges. But those who have some sense of where they belong in the universe also have a ground for understanding how all the elements of their life fit together.

If there are two people, one with a map and one without a map, who has the better chance of reaching their destination? The one with the map, of course.

When you set aside time to examine your life,

• you get to choose your destination;
• you get to choose and set your goals;
• you get to determine your path and direction;
• you get to decide how long it will take;
• you get to decide whether you’re on the right path or the wrong path.

In other words, you begin to know “thyself,” to take control of your life, to become the Master of your life. You decide who you want to be and begin to become the person you want to be.

Examining your life brings tremendous freedom. You can take control of your life. All you have to do is set aside some time every day (15 minutes, a half hour, an hour…) and commit to the practice.

The hardest thing about examining your life is getting started. You have to sit alone, be still, and be OK with doing nothing but focus and reflect.

Socrates doesn’t mince words. He doesn’t say that the unexamined life is “less meaningful than it could be” or “one of many possible responses to human existence.” He simply and clearly says it’s not even worth living – a powerful statement.

Why does he make such strong, unequivocal statement?

Socrates believed that the purpose of human life is personal and spiritual growth, that permeates all of our be-ings and do-ings – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. We are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true and real self, our authentic self, unless we take time to examine and reflect upon our life. As another philosopher, Santayana, observed, “He who does not remember the past is condemned to repeat it.”

Examining our life reveals patterns of behavior. Deeper contemplation yields understanding of our subconscious programming, the powerful mental software that runs our life – our self-limiting beliefs, our assumptions, our “stories,” our misconceptions and misconceptions about life, the world and people in the world – our world – at work, at home, at play and in relationship Unless we become aware of these limiting, self-sabotaging, self-defeating patterns, habits, beliefs, self-images, “stories” and perspectives, much of our life remains rote, “unconscious,” just a series of sleepwalking, unconscious, habitual, repeating patterns.

As a coach, I experience many examples of the effect of an unexamined life. I remember Lori, a sensitive, attractive woman in her late forties who realized that a series of repetitive, doomed-from-the-beginning relationships had used up so many years of her life that it was now too late for her to realize her dream of a husband, home and family of her own. I recall Chris, a caring, hard-working man who ignored his wife and family for too many years and found himself depressed and living alone in an apartment by the time he came to see me.

If only Lori and Chris had taken the time to examine and reflect upon their lives as they were living them, they might have made changes and had a different experience during their lifetime.

The good news is that it’s never too late to start examining our life more thoroughly – and to reap the rewards. Lori never had the child she wanted but she stopped recreating her past and eventually married a loving man who helped her heal her childhood wound of a father who deserted her. It was too late for Chris to get a second chance with his wife, but he was able to build strong relationships with his children.

We all have blind spots. Sometimes when we examine a chronic problem in our life, we have that unsettling feeling that we must be missing something, but we can’t quite see what it is. We try to examine ourselves, but none of us can see our own “shadow” or our blind spots.

That’s why Socrates’ method of self-examination included an essential element that became known as “Socratic” dialogue. Dialoguing with a close friend, a spouse, a partner, a skilled coach, or counselor who supports us to reveal those blind spots we cannot see by ourselves.

Our society discourages self-awareness with a weekly cycle of working and consuming that keeps us too busy to slow down for self-reflection. Consumer capitalism’s game plan prefers an unaware, unconscious, and vaguely dissatisfied and subtly agitated population that tries to fill the void inside with shiny new products, or designer clothes or food, Reality TV shows, exercise, alcohol, sex or workaholism

It’s a radical act to stop and contemplate your life. But according to Socrates, it’s the only game that really matters. Are you up for playing?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Can you name three six-month goals, three annual goals and three lifetime goals you are currently pursuing? If not, could you? Would you?
• Is your short-term life/work plan tonight and your long-term life/work plan next Friday? If this typifies your current lifestyle, what’s wrong with this picture? How so?
• Do you take time on a regular basis to reflect on where’re you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re heading in your life vis-a-vis your career, your relationship, your life at play, your personal and professional development? If you don’t reflect regularly, why not. (Tip: “no time” is an “excuse”, not a “reason”.)
• What value and worth to you derive from your life at work, at home, at play and from your relationship with your spouse/partner?
• How do you feel about examining your life? Curious, adventurous, excited….afraid, anxious, resistant, guilty? How so?
• What would it take for you to begin spending 15 minutes every day in quiet, in solitude, and explore your life?

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering