Being in the Moment

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

“Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.”
– Corita Kent

I’m a great believer in living in the now – albeit, for many it’s easier said than done. Being present. In the moment. And if you think about the future, where many of us live, what is the future? Actually, the future is nothing more and nothing less than billions and billions of “NOWs.” So, there’s now, and now, and now, and now, and now and now – no future, just “now.”

Life is a very long journey, sometimes pleasant, sometimes challenging. However it unfolds, life is still just a succession of moments – NOWs.

One moment is joyful, another sad, another frustrating, another benign, another terrifying. In fact, most of our NOWs are plain and ordinary. No highs, no lows. Just consistently ordinary.

Choosing
The choice is this: Do I choose to love the moment I’m in right now, or do I choose to loathe and suffer through the moment I’m in? The former points to experiencing a life you love, cherish and enjoy; the latter points to surviving, resisting and hating your life. How you view the moment is a choice. No one is twisting your arm; no one is pointing a gun to your head. It’s about you and how you choose to relate to your moments.

The “right time”
In essence, this moment, this NOW, is all there is. If you’re one whose mantra is “I’m waiting for the ‘right time’,” there’s a better than average chance you’re experiencing some degree of pain or suffering in some way, shape or form right now. (and, by the way, we all know the “right time” never comes; something inevitably gets in the way, and if/when it does, it’s not when you expect it)

(Note: dreaming is fine except when you find yourself missing so many moments, so many NOWs because you’re living in the “future.” Lots of folks like this often lament, “Where did my life go?”. These are the folks who never truly “lived.” For these folks, the future never comes and when it does, they’re usually caught up in some other type of pain and suffering and waiting for another future, and another future and another future to arrive and bring their happiness.)

Now is all there is

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
– Anonymous

One key to happiness is to appreciate the moment and see the “sacredness” of each moment. Not the sacredness of religion or theology, per se, (however, that’s available, if you choose), but appreciating the specialness, the good and seeing what joy exists in this moment, right here and right now. There is some degree of happiness in every moment, if we choose to focus on that happiness. (Victims and martyrs hardly ever do). Living in the future negates the happiness available in the moment.

Let go of the past and future
The reality is, life only happens now. Letting go of the future (and the past) allows you to bring the happiness you are into the moment, regardless of what you’re doing or what’s going on around you. Being in the moment, sensing into whatever element of happiness is available right here and right now (and it is, if you look for it, or allow it to arise) supports you to live this moment, and this moment, and this moment with ease, grace and joy.

Appreciating the NOW
“The more I give myself permission to live in the moment and enjoy it without feeling guilty or judgmental about any other time, the better I feel about the quality of my work.”
– Wayne Dyer

Living in the NOW and appreciating the NOW is not all that easy. Appreciating the NOW is about cherishing who you are, what you have, recognizing how good things are, and choosing to not focus on who you aren’t or what you don’t have. Appreciating the NOW is about allowing the ordinary. It’s about finding the inner peace within, right here and right now, just where you are – at your desk, on the elevator, commuting, doing the dishes, watching TV- reading this piece.

Appreciating the NOW means choosing to surrender any discomfort, upset, negative emotion and feeling. When you can do that, and choose to do that, then a sense of appreciation, positivity, OK-ness will come in to fill the void in this NOW, and this NOW and this NOW.

Rather than waiting for quantum events to happen, appreciate the ordinary. Experience the happiness of a Wednesday signaling the middle of the week, or being at home on Friday night watching a movie or a sporting event or stopping for your favorite cup of coffee.

The ordinary is more than ordinary
As you choose to live in the moment, focus on the ordinary –  the sights, the sounds, the colors, shapes or textures, the tastes and aromas, the space in which everything exists, or the space between objects. That’s presence. That’s the state where we can become immersed in what is happening NOW, and NOW and NOW.

Finally, living in the moment means focusing your mind on what is good, just and right with your life and with the world, right here and right NOW, and NOW, and NOW and NOW. Soon, you’ll be able to see life in a (more) positive light, even in the ordinary moments, and this new way of being will become second nature.

Allowing yourself to look for and appreciate what is here NOW and what is happening in this moment, and this moment, and this moment you’ll begin to notice that your mind relaxes and embraces the moment with greater ease.

The moment is about living your life NOW, not tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday.

“If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves. ”
– Maria Edgeworth,

Some questions for self-reflection:

“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”
– Abraham Maslow

• What “one day” or “right time” are you dreaming about, waiting or wishing for? Are you one who is consistently waiting for some other time so you can be happy? How is this strategy working for you?
• How do you experience “newness” in your life?
• How do you feel about your life in this moment? How so?
• Do you run on a treadmill of unhappiness? If so, why?
• What are you attached to? (e.g., money, possessions, status, etc.)
• What’s holding you back from experiencing happiness?
• When are you most alive? How so?
• In what ways does fear constrict you?
• Do you spend an inordinate amount of time fantasizing?
• Do you live much of your life in the past or in the future? If so, why?
• Do you spend a lot of time catastrophizing, worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet and might not happen at all, or ruminating  – thinking bleakly about events in the past? When and where did you learn to do that?
• Can you imagine yourself living in the moment, in the NOW?
• How did you parents or primary caregivers experience “now?” In conversations, how much time did they devote to the past or future?

“I always wanted a happy ending… Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”
– Gilda Radner

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Digging Yourself into a Hole

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

In the arenas of developmental psychology, spiritual psychology and related fields, there’s a given understanding that most of us, simply by nature of being born and raised in this world are “hurt” or “wounded” in the process. Even though our parents or primary caregivers are doing their utmost best to raise us well, nurture us and socialize us, the fact is that most primary care givers’s care comes up short – even in those homes where folks say their childhood was “the best.” or completely stable. “Wounding” is a fact of life of the human condition for most of us. This wounding can be mental, emotional, physical, psychological and/or spiritual.

One reason we come into this journey on the planet, and especially in our journeys in various relationships, is to “heal” this hurt so we can grow emotionally and spiritually into mature and competent adults and, as mature adults, show up in our life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – authentically and emotionally healthy, alert, alive and awake – whole.

One manifestation of this hurt or wounding is that, if asked and answered honestly, most every human being will admit to feeling some degree of “deficiency,” or “lack” in some way, shape or form, at some point, at some time.

Individuals who have done or are doing “personal work” or “spiritual developmental work” will most readily admit to experiencing this experience of deficiency. Those who are on the other end of the spectrum may engage in denial, resistance, or just out-and-out- rejection of the notion they are somehow not “all that I can be” right here and right now.

One of the feelings associated with this “hurt” is that often folks may feel “empty,” “worthless” or “valueless” in some way – perhaps in some aspect of their work life, play life, home life or relationship life. They don’t feel they are all they can be and often experience confusion, frustration, fear, resentment, guilt or shame about who they are and how they feel about themselves.

This experience of feeling “less than,” or “not enough” in some way, or ways, is often referred to as a “hole” (being “empty”), and so when in a state where they may be experiencing their hole, people might feel a wave or cloud coming over them where they feel they lack value, or worth, or feel they are “not enough” or feel “limited.” The “hole” is a natural state that comes with being born. Often folks fail to show up authentically as they consciously or unconsciously allow their feelings of “deficiencies” to drive who they are and thus they show up as phonies, frauds, fakes, bullies, or fearful, quiet, submissive, deferential, etc. on some level.

So, what’s the point?

The point is that the hole of deficiency can be filled. The question is how one chooses to fill the hole. The degree to which one experiences true and real inner peace, happiness, harmony and relaxation in their life (at work, at home, at play and in relationship) is a function of how one chooses to fill their hole.

There are two methods for hole filling” – from “without” or from ‘within.” The former results in digging a deeper hole; the latter results in reducing the size of the hole, perhaps eliminating it altogether.

From without

When folks attempt to fill their hole – their feelings of deficiency and “not enough” – from “without,” they tend to look outside themselves for whatever they can to provide a “quick-fix” that will bring a short-term feeling of OK-ness. Some of these folks will effort to inflate who they are in order to fill their hole of emptiness while others deal with the emptiness most often by filling it with stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Because of the nature of the hole, many folks who don’t feel safe or comfortable in their own skins, in who they are, and continually live life seeking recognition, approval, and emotional and psychological security through self-serving actions and activities.

The downside of filling the hole from “without” is the hole can never be filled but the intensity and degree of the activities they engage in to fill their hole become more and more progressive (like needing more and more of a drug to gain the same “numbing” effect). Living a life filling a hole from the “outside” results in a life characterized by an insidious sense of toxicity, intensity, agitation, and feelings of envy, jealousy, anger, shame, guilt, sadness, depression, despair, etc. to some degree. Hole-filling for them is a never-ending struggle, exhausting on every level – mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, social – as their hole grows deeper and deeper.

The narcissist is one example of an individual who tends to fill their hole from the outside – with their incessant need for admiration, approval, acknowledgement and recognition.

The narcissist lives from a perspective of needing to always “stand out,” to be seen and be “somebody.” So, in their life at work, at home, at play and in relationship, filling their hole of deficiency drives them to be the center of the Universe, living a life characterized by vanity, arrogance, lack of humility and egocentricity. The result, however, is digging one’s self into an ever deepening hole that requires more and more filling.

The tools and practices for filling the hole from without are those that anaesthetize one to their feelings – numbing out, denying and withdrawing – through TV, entertainment, sports, sex, alcohol, chemical and non-chemical medications, exercise, shopping, eating, and gathering stuff, or activities that require always being on – the life of the party, the know-it-all, the expert, always being “out there” in an effort to be seen, heard and acknowledged and “doing, doing, doing,” i.e., keeping busy.

From within

Filling the hole from within means pursuing a conscious and honest exploration of one’s sense of deficiency, knowing that their feelings of lack and deficiency are not “their fault” and moving to an inner place of peace, understanding, strength, will, courage and compassion from which one takes the necessary actions to allow their hole, to be OK with it and in that very process – i.e., allowing me to be me just as I am – experience the hole reduce and resolve. From this inner place, one acquires the insights, and awareness of the tools and practices that support one to understand the nature of “holes” and to forward the action of their life to begin to reduce and eliminate the hole by doing the “quiet,” deep developmental work that supports their growth process (through their own spiritual work, spiritual coaching, or the support of a trusted friend, partner, clergy person, counselor, etc). As part of this process, these folks are guided, internally and insightfully, to master the knowledge, tools and skills that support their self-actualization in their life at work, at home, at play and in relationship, a life they live with authenticity, sincerity, honesty and self-responsibility. From this place of acceptance of the hole, understanding how the hole supports us to grow and mature, the hole begins to fill itself. Here, we come from a heart-felt place, not an ego place. The work of filing the hole from within is quiet, deep, personal, inward directed and outwardly manifested.

The tools and practices used to fill the hole from “within” include journaling, self-reflection, meditation, silence, inquiry or deep questioning about “Who am I” and “What am I?,” listening for an inner voice to inform us and often working in dialogue with a support person who can guide them in their journey. From within, the more one’s hole is reduced, the more one’s heart-felt inner strength and courage arise to allow one to “be myself” – without needing any false or phony packaging or shoring up.

In the process of filling the hole from within, many folks are able to acknowledge their feelings of inadequacy and deficiency, accept them, learn from them and then move to a place of inner fortitude and steadfastness where they gain an inner, deeper, true sense of their value and worth and generate he capacity to show up more authentically – not needing to put on the cloak of a “false self” in order to be “somebody” other than who they really are.

What we resist, persists. When we resist the hole and look to fill it from the outside, the hole will persist, and grow deeper. When we do deeper the inner work to not resist, and allow the feelings connected to experiencing the hole, the hole will begin to dissipate and dissolve,

The bottom-line question is, “How do I want to show up in my life at work, at home, at play and in relationship?”

The answer will result in reducing and eliminating the hole, or digging a deeper hole. Life is choices.

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• In what ways do I often feel I am “not enough,” deficient or lacking? Why do I think I feel the way I do? How do I feel about feeling the way I do?
• Do I engage in “outside” activities to an extreme to feel secure, engaged and have some sense of OK-ness with my life? If so, what does all this activity get me?
• Do I feel and show up authentically at work, at home, at play, in my relationships? Really authentic? Do I ever feel like a fake or a phony? Do I ever consciously need to be a fake or phony? How so?
• Do I often find myself rationalizing my behaviors?
• Do I often feel a need to be “out there” – the life of the party, the “know-it-al,” the expert, etc?
• Do I play “small,” feel unseen and invisible much of the time? If so, do I know why?
• Do I have a “spiritual” (here, not theological, or religious) life? Do I meditate, write poetry, walk in nature, sing, dance, paint, journal, self-reflect…as a source of quiet, silence, inner journeying and personal discovery?
• Who in my life pushes my buttons? What do I see about my reactivity (not about them) that points to an area or areas in me where I might be in denial or have possible blind spots where I need to do some deeper exploration?
• What one or two baby steps can I take in the next week or two to move toward exploring my feelings around lack or deficiency?
• When did I first realize that I had “holes?”

—————————————–————
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering