Authentic Relationships – 5-Question Exercise to Explore How You Show Up In Relationship

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The focus of this food-for-thought piece is to explore what it means to be authentic in the context of being single in the dating world or in the context of being a spouse or partner in your current relationship. Take this five-question exercise to explore your relationship to authenticity.

My purpose here is to offer you some thoughts and ideas about authenticity and take you through some exercises that will support you to explore your own relation to, and experience of, authenticity and what it means to be authentic in relationship.

What I’m offering is simply what has worked for me and my clients. So there’s no given that what I’m working with must work for you. In fact, if there’s something that resonates with you, perhaps take it away with you for further exploration and leave behind anything that does not resonate with you.

For this experience, you’ll need some paper, a writing instrument (or computer), your mind, heart, soul and your breath.

First, set your intention to be present for this exercise, fully, and let go of your day. Perhaps visualize a balloon and place your cares, concerns, problems, challenges in your balloon and when you’re ready just allow your balloon to float up and away, leaving you free to be present in mind, body and spirit.

Sense your feet on the floor and notice your breathing. Then, take a few deep, deep breaths into your belly and make the sound AHHH on the exhale. AHHH is a primal sound that brings, relaxation, pleasure and letting go. This sound opens your heart, your lungs and helps to melt tension while contributing to an overall sense of well-being. So, take another deep breath or two, exhaling with AHHH. Now, let’s begin.

Since coaching, for me, is all about asking powerful and provocative questions. This exercise explores five questions around authenticity in relationship:

1. What is authenticity and what does authenticity mean to you?

2. What are you do-ing and how you are you be-ing when you’re authentic?

3. What obstacles get in the way of your being authentic (e.g., beliefs,
self-images, attitudes, emotions, assumptions, stories, etc.)?

4. On an authenticity scale (1-10), where would you say you are now, generally, and
where would you like to be in six months with respect to your relationship to authenticity?

5. And what first step might you take to begin moving in this direction?

So, our first question:

What is authenticity and what does authenticity mean to you?

Take a minute and write down all the words and phrases that come to you when you think of the word authenticity. What comes up for you? Take a breath and go inside. Sense and feel your body as you do this part of the exercise. What thoughts, beliefs etc. come up? What feelings and emotions arise. What sensations do you experience in your body?

So, what was that experience like for you? Was it completely mental? Were you aware of your body – feelings and sensations? Were you relaxed? Did you experience any discomfort? How was your breath? Was it deep and relaxed or shallow and tight? Did you notice any negative self-talk from your Inner Judge and Critic? If so, is this self-talk familiar?

It might support you to be curious about what you noticed about yourself, especially if you experienced any discomfort or negative self-judgments. This can be food for further exploration about your relationship to authenticity.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines authentic as: something real and true, as the quality of being real or true.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines authentic as conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features; as not false or imitation and as being true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character and implies actual character not counterfeited, imitated, or adulterated; it also connotes definite origin from a source.

So, the operative words center around essential source and spirit and character. That is, being authentic relates to the pure and innate qualities of the person I was when I was born, my true and real self, my essence, not an idea that I created and continually create with my ego mind.

So, it might be curious to explore how this loving, precious, pure and authentic child has morphed into adulthood and be curious about how we show up authentically in adulthood.

So, let’s continue with our second question:

When in a dating situation, or in your current relationship, what are you “do-ing” and how are you “be-ing” when you’re authentic?

What behaviors reflect your authenticity? Perhaps reflect on your words, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions and your feelings. How do these support your authenticity?

Take a minute and write down some of the ways you express your authenticity.

Here are some examples of do-ings and be-ings clients have come up with which express their being authentic:

* consciously choosing to be with my partner exactly as he or she is, focusing on the positivity rather than on obsessing on reasons why it can’t work

* supporting my partner in his or her choices, desires and dreams and consciously supporting one another to grow and evolve as both individuals and as a “we”

* honoring my partner’s truth, and uniqueness rather than focusing on possessing or fixing or changing him or her

* having the strength and courage to tell the truth especially when I believe it is unspeakable

* being consciously conscious and respectful of both my partner’s boundaries and my own

* asking questions for clarification and communicating rather than jumping to assumptions

* having the strength, self-discipline, courage, compassion and commitment to resolve differences as opposed to overtly fighting or being covertly passively aggressive

* focusing on what I appreciate with gratitude, focusing on solutions, not problems

* being conscious of paying attention to my partner and not taking him or her for granted

* being honest, and honoring my beliefs

* living in integrity, nonconformity, and sticking to my values,

* living without spoken or unspoken judgments and creating a real environment of harmony, well-being and trust and where we can both live authentically, and in integrity as ourselves

* expressing hurt and pain and not hide behind anger, judgment and criticism

* not deferring to my partner in a way that makes me uncomfortable or passive aggressive

* being intentional about expressing what I want

* not interacting with a hidden agenda

* staying conscious in my heart as well as my head

* sharing what I think and feel about my immediate experience

* accepting my undeveloped areas as well as my strengths

So, sense into your self. What is your experience right now? What thoughts, feelings or emotions are you aware of? What’s going on in your mind, in your heart? What’s your body telling you? What’s your breathing like? Mental activity?

How is it for you right now to explore this idea of authenticity?

Our next question points to obstacles to being authentic.

So, it’s time to explore some of the obstacles that get in the way of your being authentic – obstacles such as your beliefs, your images of who you think you must be, your attitudes, assumptions, stories or beliefs.

Perhaps one way of exploring this question is by asking if there’s a noticeable difference between two YOUs…the one who is standing naked at 4:00 am in your bedroom when no one is watching, and the one who walks out the door and into relationship?

So, take a minute and write down any obstacles which you feel prevent you from showing up as the real and true you.

Before I suggest some obstacles, listen to these client statements:

• I’m not the same person in relationship as I am when I am alone at 4:00 A.M.
• I feel I need to wear a mask and put on another personality so I’ll make an impression and be accepted and approved by the person I’m with.
• Because I can’t tell the truth or be honest about my feelings and beliefs, I often feel like an imposter.
• In order to fit in with a particular group when I’m dating, I feel I compromise my real and true self and lack the courage to speak my mind and make my voice heard.
• I often feel I need to change who I am order to be with someone else?
• I change my thoughts, my language, my views, and my feelings.
• I feel I have to sell myself out when it comes to my requirements, needs and wants in order to maintain a relationship.
• In many relationships, I feel I am moving away from being on purpose.

So, the question is, if you are different from your true and real self, what do you think or feel accounts for this difference?

Here are some common obstacles that bring one to compromise their true and real self, their authenticity:

* Allowing others to dictate who I think I should be, for example, my family, friends, society, reality TV, the media, or perhaps just my own ego.
* Ego-driven needs for control, recognition and approval, the need to be “somebody” at the expense of thinking or feeling like I’m a “nobody” – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, socially, financially, etc.
* Feeling or belief that my feelings and emotions, needs and wants are not worthy or appropriate, and “don’t matter.”
* Fears of losing my bachelorhood, fear of rejection, not being good enough, being hurt, fear of commitment, or divorce later on.
* Fear of telling my truth and of being judged and criticized; fear of sharing my experience in the moment, fear of saying what’s up for me, right here and right now.
* Self-image and ideal that says I am perfect in every way, when, in reality, I may not be.
* Fear that others will reject me if they know who I really am

So, what was this exercise like for you? Was it easy, challenging? Is there anything that piques your curiosity about your self? Did you experience insights or AHAs? What’s it like to acknowledge these obstacles? How do they make you feel? How so?

So, change and transformation always begin with self-awareness, and self-awareness is the goal of these first few questions.

And now that perhaps we’ve raised your level of self-awareness a bit, let’s look at our final two questions which are related:

On an authenticity scale of 1-10, where would you say you are right now and where would you like to be in six months?

And, what first step might you take to move in that direction?

Take a few minutes and respond to these two questions.

So, is your action step observable and measurable? What will you be doing, being or having that supports you to move forward toward showing up more authentically? How will you know you have successfully completed this step? How will you be different in a dating context, or in your current relationship, in some way, shape or form?

Do you have a sense of when you’d like to accomplish this step? Are you aware of potential obstacles that might get in the way? And, how can/will you deal effectively with these obstacles?

So, I hope these questions and exercises have been useful for you in some way as you explore who you are and how you are in the context of being a single in the dating world, or as a spouse or partner in your current relationship.

So, I’ll end with one final thought.

The Law of Attraction is a very powerful force in the Universe. The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on, consciously or unconsciously, what you give your attention and energy to, you will attract. Do you expect others to be authentic with you when you are fearful of being authentic with them? Authenticity is not a one-way street. Authenticity does not flow in only one direction.

The Law of Attraction applies in relationships as well as in every other area of life.

So, my belief is that one must exhibit the authenticity one expects in others. When we show up as less than our real and true self, the Law of Attraction says we will attract others who are also less authentic.

Being authentic, we will attract others who are authentic and there’s no better foundation than authenticity to create and cultivate a lasting, loving and healthy relationship.

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Overcoming Fears at Work

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Every day in workplaces – from the Fortune 50 to NGOs, from non-profits to mom and pop ventures – many folks at work are living in fear – fear of losing their jobs, fear of being judged and criticized, fear of being disliked, fear of being embarrassed, fear of making a mistake, fear of being ostracized, or fear of facing uncomfortable challenges or problems.

Every day in workplaces, folks also experience inappropriate and egregious behaviors – deceit, fraud, harassment (verbal, sexual, physical, etc.), gossiping, bullying, lying, cheating, stealing, etc.

Curiously, at the same time, many of our workplaces openly exhort employees to abide by organizational values, pointing to honesty, integrity, trust and openness.

The “dirty little secret” (perhaps not so little), however, is many of our workplaces are challenged when it comes to folks’ reluctance to speak up and speak out about others behaving honestly and being in integrity.

The issue around inappropriate and egregious behaviors is not so much that they exist, but that so many choose to turn a blind eye to them. Why? Because they are afraid. They live life at work in a culture of fear.

The problem

The problem is most of us have learned to keep our fear to ourselves. For example, we are reluctant to expose bad news to our boss, to say we screwed up and made a mistake, to ask a colleague to stop bullying or harassing us, to disclose the company is keeping two sets of books, to admit to overpaying underperforming leaders and managers, to point out where there is cheating, fraud and deceit, to exposing failed processes, or systems or to admit to defective products. Fear resounds, but often very subtly.

These fearful folks live life at work in denial, defensiveness and delusion – repressing, suppressing and stuffing their fear – working in a world of make-believe that all is well. They often shore themselves up with a sense of grandiosity, or living the “appearance” of well-being, or exuding a false persona that communicates all is well, pretending nothing is amiss. Magical thinking.

The solution

The solution to fear begins with appreciation. Appreciation means admitting our fears and owning them. Appreciation includes exploring our reluctance and our self-imposed silence that keeps us from speaking up and out – exploring, consciously and deeply, the low-grade-fever type of anxiety and agitation we feel when we keep our fears tamped down, hidden.

Even in the midst of the intensity and the daily grind of our everyday workplace, we know the silence of fear. It’s always there, lurking just below the surface. In team meetings, in one-on-one meetings, when engaging with clients and customers, direct reports and bosses, even in social situations – all the while we are in conversation and dialogue – we know the silence and physiological discomfort of fear.

We feel the tension in our shoulders and the queasiness in our stomachs. We feel the constriction in our throats, and sense the tightness in our chest. We feel quiet, passive, withdrawn and deferential. We don’t make eye contact. We are silently angry. We feel embarrassed, cowardly, passive and reluctant. We’re there, but we’re not. We hold a large part of our self back.

The good news is we are experiencing our fear and it’s very life-affirming and self-supportive to notice it. It’s helpful to notice where we are at any given moment on the continuum between fear and hope – hope that our life at work will be different. It’s helpful and healing to experience an awareness of our internal conflict between being open, honest and authentic, and being shut down in order to survive in our life at work, to save our self, our reputation, or our paycheck. Awareness is the first powerful step to change, to dealing with fear. Now that I notice my fear, then what?

Being myself

The opposite of being fearful is being courageous. Being courageous is not about “not having fear.” Being courageous is about showing up, authentically, in integrity, in spite of our fear, trusting that we can access an internal sense of “right knowing,” “right understanding” and engage in “right action,” i.e., do-ing our best, and be-ing our best for our own sake and the sake of our organization, team, or unit, in spite of our fear.

For many, fear has no purpose. That is, there is no “upside” to being afraid. From a place of authenticity and integrity we can acknowledge there’s no sense in being fearful. Being authentic means to forward the action of our life in spite of fear and that by acknowledging we are afraid, we can be present to our experience, allow what we are feeling, breathe deeply and intentionally, sense “inside” and activate and generate the energy of courage, will and strength to “show up.”

Living and engaging in life, in life at work, beyond the silence of fear allows us to look at ourselves and see how we deny our fear by going silent. (Remember that when we bury our feeling of fear,  we bury it “alive.” It will leak out again and again to rear its ugly head.) When we admit our fear, and be open to it, the shackles of fear are loosened. We become free when we openly speak out about our fears, and allow others to speak about theirs. The truth does set you free.

When we hear others talk about their fears of being fired, or reprimanded or denigrated for saying or doing something, we need to compassionately listen to them and create a container of safety to support their disclosing. Critical to shedding our fears, and acting courageously, is admitting to the discomfort that fear causes us.

Self-awareness with respect to “who we are” and “how we are” in the workplace helps to create a more open workplace climate and culture that is not fear-based. Being open to feedback and constructive criticism (by and from all those with whom we work – above us, below us, next to us), listening empathetically, actively and deeply, cooperating with colleagues, respecting others’ privacy and individuality, discussing difficult issues from a heart-felt place, and acknowledging that many, many others, in addition to ourselves, are steeped in fear in their day-to-day life at work, are ways we create a safe, open and honest workplace environment.

Each one of us is worthy to be free from fear at work.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who or what causes you to experience fear at work, to not speak up or speak out?
• Can you acknowledge your fears? Can you give yourself permission to feel afraid?
• When was the last time you spoke up or out against an inappropriate workplace action or behavior? How so?
• Do you ever confide in others about your workplace fears? Do others confide in you?
• Are you open to admitting your mistakes?
• What is your organization’s culture around making mistakes?
• Are you afraid to give or receive “bad news?”
• Are you afraid of being criticized, embarrassed, or disliked?
• Are you afraid of confronting a serious workplace issue or challenge? How so?
• Do you attempt to mask your workplace fears? How so? Does it work? Really, really work?
• Do you generally have the courage to speak up in spite of feeling fearful?
• Do you feel authentic at work?
• Is the silence of fear peaceful and quiet (internally) for you? Honestly?
• What one or two baby steps could you take to act courageously in spite of your fear, to step beyond the silence of fear?
  

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering