“Soft Eyes” – Seeing True Reality

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

How do you “see” problems, issues, challenges, conflicts, enigmas and the like – at work, at home, at play and in your relationships?

How do you approach dealing with various areas in your life – career and livelihood, spiritual and personal growth, friends and family, intimacy, and partnership, play and recreation, abundance and finances, health and wellness, personal environment and organization?

Do you forge ahead, like a locomotive, laser-like-driven, nailing down the issue or conflict, quick to diagnose, process and come up with a solution?

For example, how do you “see” reality? (Note: the images below are on my website and are virus-free) Take a very quick look (just a second or two) at this image. And this one. Finally, this one and tell yourself what you see. We’ll return to these in a moment.

“Soft Eyes”
The idea underneath “soft eyes” is twofold: (1) LITERAL – taking a few deep breaths, closing your eyes and actually giving your eyes permission to relax, let go and fall back on tiny soft cushions, or pillows, and then open your eyes and explore your environment; and (2) FIGURATIVE – seeing what you “see” about a person, place, event, object or circumstance from this “relaxed” perspective – which allows your “ego-mind” with its preconceived ideas, perceptions, premises, stories and beliefs to “take a short vacation.”

Often, viewing your environment with soft eyes can change the way you see it. And, when your view changes, so does the way you relate to it. When you change the way you relate to it, the way you respond to it also changes.

Let’s return to our images – this time with “soft eyes.”

Before looking at these images once more, take a few deep, deep breaths into your belly. Relax your shoulders. This time, when you look at the image, just gaze at it, noting nothing in particular, see the “totality” of it, and allow it to appear before you. Take a minute or two to gaze, softly, at it with “soft eyes: at this image, this one and this one, and allow each to unfold before you; allow each to show you, tell you what’s there and when you’re done, come back here.

Did you notice anything different? Notice I said “different,” not “new” – as it was there all along. You just perhaps didn’t see it the first time.

“Real Reality”
Often the sources of our conflicts and challenges and the most effective solutions with which we can approach them are “unseen.”

Too, it all too often happens that the way we approach issues and challenges can take a completely new direction, a new perspective when we explore the “real reality” underneath.

How do we identify this “real reality?” When we take the time to view situations, events, circumstances, people and their positions with “soft eyes,” we can often change our perspective of them – and the approaches we take when dealing with them – very often leading to mutually deeper understanding and win-win experiences and relationships. As Wayne Dyer, said, “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.”

When we view  people, places, circumstances and events with “soft eyes,” we move through a kind of transformation where we discover a reality that was always there, but which we missed. We discover a reality that can shift the way we relate to people, solve problems, face challenges and live life – at work, at home, at play and in our relationships.

When we step back, when we jettison our old, programmed, habitual ways of “seeing,” we open ourselves to possibilities, we come to situations with a new energy. We can more readily, if we choose to, engage from new perspectives, we shift our frame of reference, we become newly empowered, we redefine issues and discover new solutions. In essence, we respond differently – we can even see ourselves and our experiences differently.

So, what is reality? Actually, no one knows for certain – although we each think we do. In fact, we usually get into trouble when we secretly believe that our interpretation of reality is the one, true accurate interpretation. Hmmm.

Each of us is committed to our own paradigm and, as such, sees things that way. The world we share is quite different depending on who’s viewing it. It is perhaps for this sole reason that our planet is rife with so much conflict.

So, when you’re facing a challenge, obstacle, or conflict or looking for solutions, or when you’re simply listening to someone else – or even yourself – consider the “soft eyes” approach….and remember:

“The chicken is the egg’s way of reproducing itself.”  Peter Koestenbaum

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you usually the first one to say you know the source of a problem – any problem?
• Are you usually able and willing to change your perspective when considering a problem/solution?
• Do you ever seek to operate as an individual even though you’re a member of a team/group/family?
• Do you engage in creative play?
• Are you obsessed with “getting it (or being) right?”
• Do you ever think about what you’re thinking about?
• Do you ever attempt to fix problems when you don’t know the complete context?
• Do you ever use “soft eyes” when encountering challenges, or when listening to others?
• When someone offers an interpretation (for example, of an event or circumstance) that differs from yours, how do you feel? Honestly?
• When did you discover that you’re not always right? How so? What was that like? Who led you to that discovery?
• Would other consider you to be a humble individual?
• Would you rather be right than happy?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“If I were you…”

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

“It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere that it begins to have meaning.” – J.D. Ouspensky

Much as we all search for the tried-and-true “how-to-make-life-work-for-me” manual or technology, formula, tool, technique and the like, the reality is each of us leads a complex and unique life. Another person’s answer, suggestion, recommendation for me as to how to live my life is often – 99.999% of the time – one that is quick, easy and usually off or misguided.

One Size Does Not Fit All
There is no “one size fits all” road to change, growth and development – the road that is well-paved, travel-worthy, lighted, secure, and sure-footed – a road that works for everyone. The truth is, the right road for you is not a well-traveled road. It’s a path. And the reason it’s called a path is because it’s never been traveled before.

Personally, professionally, emotionally, spiritually and  psychologically, you need to develop your own pathways. Personal pathway development is a challenging endeavor – moving through rocky terrain and uncharted wilderness, i.e., the unknown.

Those who listen to, and even follow the advice of, the “If I were you” this is what I would do…so, you should, too” folks are more likely than not to move through life like a bumper car – hitting dead-ends, bumps in the road, detours and the like as a result of looking for “direction” in all the wrong places” i.e., outside themselves. No one can “show me the way” – no one.

The Path Is An Inside Jo
The road ahead can come from only one place – inside. No one else can identify your path for you. Finding and successfully following your true path comes from your inner guidance and wisdom.

The path begins with a vision – a vision of what life looks like – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. This vision informs you of your place in life and on the planet. Your vision, when sought and discovered inside, and tested, provides a sense of worth and value that defines your place on the planet.

You Need Your Solutions
The reason other folks’ “solutions” (i.e., beliefs, “technologies” or visions, etc.) hardly ever work is they’re not designed for “me.” They may feel and sound good for a moment, and may provide a short burst of enthusiasm and energy, but in the long run they are seldom lasting, transformative or sustainable. Why? No one can empower you – but you.

And the only way you can become empowered is to generate, from the  inside, your own life vision and purpose. It’s impossible to align with, and become congruent with, someone else’s vision and purpose. If you’re true to someone else’s purpose or vision, it’s almost a certainty that, sooner or later, you’ll experience a sense of deflation, frustration or resentment. How can you not? You’re living someone else’s life! And that’s dis-empowering. Not life-affirming.

Appreciate The Rockiness of The Path
“I never know what the next lesson is going to be, because we’re not supposed to know; we’re supposed to trust ourselves to discover it.” – Melody Beattie

Every path, including yours, consists of its respective forms of difficulty, challenge, resistance, and problems – health, career, relationship, etc. – all created solely and especially – for you – for your character and personality. (This is the major reason why the “If I were you, I would…” folks can never – ever –  begin to solve your issues and challenges. They are not you. Journeying along your own path allows you to discover the purpose of the obstacles and challenges you face.)

Through honest and conscious self-reflection, you unbundle what’s in your way and in the process move from ignorance to intuition, from selfishness to selflessness and from inertia to energetic intentionality. The conscious journey along your customized path can lead you to becoming the heart-and-soul based human being you are – perhaps gently filling the refuse containers along the way with bits and pieces of your ego-self which you begin to discard.

The rockiness of your path serves to tug on your sleeve – asking you to “work” your character and personality, to become a better human being, to love and support others – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. The rockiness is intended to help you better understand, and live, the purpose for which you’re on the planet – which always, yes always, involves connecting with others for your highest mutual good.

Obstacles Offer Lessons To Be Learned
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.” –  Fr. Alfred D’Souza

Every obstacle has a built-in lesson which is intended to raise your level of consciousness. Every obstacle asks you to stretch a bit, or a lot – sometimes beyond what you think are your limits. Every obstacle serves to bring your unconscious to the surface and in the process you have the opportunity to heal – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or psychologically – where you discover heart-and-soul-felt capacities and qualities you never knew you had. If there’s one result that walking your own path affords you, it’s empowerment – realizing your value and worth, accessing your true and real inner strength and courage and discovering a belief and trust in yourself that walking someone else’s path never offers – ever.

And, that’s why it’s called a “path.”

“To know how to choose a path with heart is to learn how to follow intuitive feeling. Logic can tell you superficially where a path might lead to, but it cannot judge whether your heart will be in it.” – Jean Shinoda Bolen

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What particular challenge are you facing? Have you deeply reflected on what you need to do, or how you need to be, to help you become a better “you” who’s capable of greater love, understanding and empowerment?
• Do you know what “the hero’s journey” is? Have you ever experienced such a journey? Are you in the midst of one now? Do you consistently search “outside” yourself for the right path? How’s that been working? Honestly.
• Do you surround yourself with “If I were you, I would…”- types of folks? If so, why? Are you an “If I were you, I would…”- type person to your family, friends, partner, spouse or colleagues?
• Does the idea of walking your own path cause you concern or fear? What about a sense of excitement or adventure? And, “why?”
• What was “fending for myself” or “going my own way” like for you as you were growing up?
• Do you generally feel safe and secure – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or psychologically? Why or why not?
• Are you a trusting soul? A vigilant or suspicious soul? How so?
• How do you feel about “not knowing?” Are you comfortable journeying into the “”inner unknown?” How so?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“Better a diamond with a flaw, than a pebble without” – (Confucius)

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

“The world offers itself to me in a thousand ways, and I ache with an awareness of how infrequently I am able to receive more than a small fraction of what is offered, of how often I reject what is because I feel it is not good enough.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Do you regularly beat yourself up for not being “better” in some way? As you reflect on your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship, can you see instances where you wanted to be perfect, and you weren’t? What’s that like for you – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically?

Success and Failure
One way we measure success and greatness is by assessing our failures. For example, we can inquire, “What have I learned about myself in the throes of failure?” There is no perfection without fault – none. The self-reflection that follows failure is one catalyst that fosters improvement, growth and greatness.

Do you spend time on the way to/from work, lying in bed at night while watching television or during exercising lamenting you’ll never be perfect? Do you dislike yourself as you list all the things at which you’ll never be perfect? Do you have memories of someone telling you you’ll never be good enough? Do you feel like the diamond with a flaw? Do you constantly ask, “What have I done wrong?” or “Why do I feel so lacking or deficient? all the while feeling like a victim?

Wholeness, not perfection
The way to our truest, deepest and authentic self is via the road of darkness, the road that leads not to perfection, but to wholeness. Frankly, there is no point at which we can say, “This is perfection.” Perfection, being a “10,” is an ego-driven, mental idea. We think that being a “10” means I have no flaws, no imperfections. Perfection excludes negative realities – an impossibility (no matter how hard our mind wants to convince us otherwise). We strive for perfection hoping to remove or mask our defects, our flaws. In essence, perfection means denying our self.

Wholeness, on the other hand, is an archetype – something unattainable – a metaphor. An archetype is intended to guide, inspire, support and affect our reality in various ways. We embrace and manifest archetypes by being self-aware and consciously conscious – affecting our attitudes and our approach to life and living. The archetype of wholeness points to both the positive and the negative, all parts of our self.

At the outset, pursuing perfection can be a useful first step in our growth process as it motivates and provides a focus on the positive. However, it must give way to the pursuit of wholeness where our duality (the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the positive and the negative) has meaning. Focusing on perfection is focusing solely on the personality, the outer, our “packaging.” Focusing on wholeness puts our attention on the essential truth, beauty and goodness within our soul.

Wholeness is not a process of identifying what is “wrong” or imperfect and trying to fix or eradicate it, but to discover what our “flaws” have to teach us so we can learn from them. Our “flaws” exist as a means of challenging us to learn what we need to see about ourselves. No flaws, no challenge. No challenge, no growth. No growth, just a “pebble.” When we learn what we are challenged to learn (i.e., life’s journey), the “flaws” often lose their charge, and in the process often disappear.

Who are You?
“We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves – the way we are – and why we don’t accept others the way they are.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

The reason striving (positive energy) for perfection is often a struggle (negative energy) – exhausting, exasperating, frustrating and overly emotional – is because we’ve lost connection with our core self and become mired in some self-image or concept of who I think I should be. The negative feelings and emotions that accompany striving for perfection are a signal to stop, take a deep breath and identify with our Authentic Self – the peaceful, compassionate, tolerant, loving, and beautiful person I really am – i.e. the diamond. When I stop the relentless striving and beating myself up, and take time for silence, meditation, and inner exploration, my essence will arise, my sense of wholeness manifests and the strength, courage, will and steadfastness to accept my self as I am arise.

Fear drives us to the self-sabotaging quest for perfection. Love allows us to open to all that we are
– with curiosity, passion, excitement, and acceptance.

Wholeness then sees flaws and imperfections as eminently useful and necessary so we can embrace all parts of our self and can value every experience.

Pain is a Reality; Suffering is Optional
The first fact of life is suffering and affliction, flaws, exist. Accepting this fact of life is the basis of our life’s journey. Our desire to escape from our flaws, rather than embrace and learn from them, is what leads to suffering.

Most folks have a tendency to feel shame about, or deny, their flaws. In fact, our flaws are one of our greatest spiritual assets. When we consciously deal with our flaws they lead us along a spiritual path. Unfortunately, at an early age we learned to push affliction away, to deny, hide from or otherwise deny our flaws and seek perfection. Rather than be open to suffering as a fact of life, we become defensive and live a life of avoidance, denial and self-deceit. It’s in the defensiveness that we first begin to reject ourselves, experience shame and guilt and engage in self-destructive, repressive and suppressive behaviors to avoid suffering.

When we seek wholeness, accepting our flaws, our diamond grows brighter and brighter, as our soul qualities of compassion, tolerance and understanding arise. When we are OK with our flaws and imperfections and allow our soul’s love, power and confidence to arise, we not only avoid suffering but we actualize our potential to support others to relieve their suffering.

During the coming week reflect each day on how often you express who you really are, your wholeness, and how often you only express some personality (perfection-seeking) trait.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What do you seek – perfection or wholeness? Examine closely and honestly your pursuit of perfection and the areas of life in which this pursuit takes place. What are the consequences of this pursuit on your soul’s quest for wholeness? How so?
• What motivates you to move forward? What keeps you from moving forward? How so?
• In your relationships with some important people in your life, how can you more authentically share your true, authentic self with them?
• What do you judge as wrong or evil? Can you see wrong or evil from the perspective that it is serving some useful purpose? What can you learn from it? How so?
• What are three defense mechanisms that you frequently use to deny your flaws? If you stopped using one of these, what happens to you, your feelings and your relationships?
• What was perfection-seeking like when you were growing up? How did you learn about perfection?
• Can you envision a world where folks seek wholeness, not perfection?

“After enough mirror gazing, we all develop our “cosmic sense of humor.” We no longer try to be perfect, or try to get all our work done in time. We become content with whatever life brings. Just to deal with what comes up without crucifying ourselves or others is enough of a challenge.”  – Paul Ferrini

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering