Life and Problems – They’re One and the Same

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Just launched – three exciting new products

“No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.” – Helen Keller

The reality of life is that life comes with problems and challenges.

Secret Sauce of Dealing with Problems
The secret sauce of living with life’s problems and challenges is changing our orientation, our perspective. Rather than efforting to avoid problems, or be in denial about life’s challenges, we can shed the “victim consciousness” and choose to see what messages or learnings about life’s problems are offering us. A change in perspective often leads to the discovery of an inner strength, courage and will – an inner capacity or power- that supports us to persevere and meet life’s challenges.

Problems and consciousness
Each and every problem or challenge can lead to an expansion of our consciousness – but only if we choose. We can choose to allow problems to stretch us – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically- to break through the familiar and “safe” boundaries of our limitations. If we allow, problems serve to make the unconscious, conscious and in the process support us to reveal and heal past hurts and wounding. Renewed faith and trust are by-products of consciously dealing with our problems and challenges.

When we’re “problem-oriented,” it’s usually impossible to be “solution-focused.” When we’re locked into a “woe is me” world-view, our hands are tied, so to speak, to search for a way through. And, that’s a choice – to be problem-focused or solution-focused.

Blame game
If you’re one who’s caught up in the blame-game, always pointing to something or someone “out there” for your problems, now is the time to understand that the source of every problem is inside us. Every problem is a mirror reflecting back to us our own personal, internal issues we have not owned. The truth is when we consciously own and address our issues, problems release their charge, their pull, and their tendency to “trigger” us and no longer cause us upset or trouble.

So, there it is. The “problem” buck stops with us. When we own our “stuff” and take self-responsibility for how we live our lives, we reduce and eliminate much of the pain and suffering we experience from our “problems.”

Many folks are waiting for their “real” lives to begin in some way – once all the obstacles are out of the way. As Dr. Phil might ask, “How’s that been working for you?”

The conscious, self-responsible, person sees see that obstacles are, in fact, their life, right here and right now.

Raised self-awareness
So, it’s good to remember that all problems are the Universe’s way to help us move to a higher level of self awareness. Rather that shun problems, a healthy practice can be to explore how your problems can contribute towards your learning, growth and development. Once you’re on the “other side” of a problem, you’ll have a deeper understanding and clarity as to why that circumstance, that opportunity, i.e., that problem, was in your life. Why it happened “for” you, not “to” you.

Adversity can be a welcome guide and teacher. Life is all about “lessons learned.”

“All Life is Problem Solving” – Karl Popper

No problems = no learning. And we came into this life, we’re “down here,” to learn, grow and heal. All of us.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you generally “problem-oriented” or “solution-oriented?” What would your partner, spouse, friends or colleagues say?
• What major problems/challenges are on your plate these days? Are you approaching them self-responsibly? How so?
• Do you consistently think or feel “the grass is always greener on the other side?” How so?
• The way to see problems IS the problem. Do you agree?
• How do you create problems for yourself?
• Are you a blamer? Do you often feel like a victim? How so?
• Do you think hating problems will make them go away? Does it work? Do they then go away?
• Have you ever found that what you thought was a problem, wasn’t? What was that like?
• How did you come to see problems as problems, rather than opportunities?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

What if you were a nobody?

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Just launched – three exciting new products

Credentials are a fact of life – degrees (even honorary), certificates, diplomas, titles, qualifications and the like are symbolic “badges.” Credentials have their place in life. Credentials support us to feel confident (even when we aren’t), and support others to feel confident in us. Credentials allow us to assume responsibility and accountability, and support others – choices to allow us to lead, manage or supervise. Credentials communicate education and experience upon which others can rely.

When credentials get in the way

Where credentials get in the way is when they lead to obsession and preoccupation. How so?

Some folks become their credential. A new identity is birthed from their credential. They feel like a “somebody” as a function of their credential. They take their credential “out of context” and allow it to become bigger than life itself. These are the folks – at work, at home and at play – who can’t get out of the way of, separate themselves from, their credential. They wear it like a cloak. It’s become their “brand.”

Do you know who I am?!

When folks are obsessed with their credential, when they are their credential, they’re always “on” – in formal meetings, in informal workplace gatherings, in water cooler conversations, with clients and other stakeholders, in outside-of-work social situations, even when shopping at the local retailer – their conversations and their interactions are largely (often unconsciously) motivated by their need for recognition, acknowledgement and their need to feel emotionally secure, to be seen as “somebody.” And, for this “somebody,” it’s all about “Do you know who I am?” “Do you recognize ‘my credential that is me’?” Again, often consciously, more often unconsciously.

There’s an intellectual component of the need to be “somebody” – being cognitively recognized as important, knowledgeable, educated, having position, power, status or privilege – and there’s a psycho/emotional component to the need to be “somebody” – and a physiological feeling and sense of being “held” and “seen.” When any of these is lacking, an individual can experience a sense of being a “nobody,”  – a fate equal to death – unbeknownst to them, it’s an “ego death.” They might feel they don’t exist. Or they have no value or worth. They feel deficient. They feel lacking. They have no identity. They’re not “somebody.”

The psychopaths and narcissists who cross our paths in every walk of life are obsessed with the requirement, need and want to be seen as “somebody.” Their credential is the story line of their life, a statement about “who I am,” a “somebody.”

To these folks, the response to the question, “What do you do?” is an “I am?” statement. A “do-ing,” not a “be-ing.” Why? Because they are their credential – an announcement of “who I am.”

The credentialed often crave the limelight, to be the center of attention and the life of the party. Being at the center (of the Universe!) feeds their ego, and nourishes, not their sense of pride ( a good thing), but hubris, pride bordering on obsession (not such a good thing). Often when one of these folks feels they’re not heard or seen, they quickly react with a rough or unkind word, an inappropriate action or reaction that communicates: “Do you know who I am!!!!!?” “Can’t you ‘see’ me!!!!?” “What’s wrong with you!!!?”

The downside

Such reactivity is the downside of identifying with one’s credential. The point is when one of these folks feels unseen and unheard, their emotional and physiological response, underneath it all, is one of  anger fueled by sadness, and loneliness – not unlike the young child who is wet, but not diapered, or hungry, but not fed. Feeling unseen, unacknowledged and ignored, these folks, now as adults, are really reaching out to be seen and acknowledged – “emotionally wet and hungry,” wanting attention, not for diapers or food, but rather, to be seen, heard, held and recognized as “somebody.”

What would it be like if…?

So, what would it be like to consciously choose to be a “nobody,” to explore and be curious about what we see about ourselves if we didn’t need to be “somebody?”  That is, to be a “nobody” and show up authentically without the shoring up, the crutch of the credential?

What would it feel like if we went through an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime, without needing to be “somebody?” Just showing up as who I am, right here, right now, authentically?

Being authentic in our life means, simply, “I am me.” Not, “I am my job” or “I am my credential.” Just me. What might that be like, look like, feel like, sound like? What might others be saying about you?

Well, it might look like we own our mistakes. Or, we don’t become “too big for our britches.” Or, we don’t blame others for errors, or come across as arrogant, holier-than-thou, and super(wo)man. We shed the cloak of fakeness, phoniness and pretending. We allow ourselves to say, “I don’t know.” or ask “What do you think?” Or allow our embarrassment, our shyness or our vulnerability.

The qualities of a nobody

As a “nobody” we become more interested in others. We let go of our ego. We are inclusive in thought, word and deed. We are open and accepting. We operate from “I am one of you” and “We are in this together for our mutual good.”  We seek to understand before being understood. We stand back, inquire, observe and listen. We walk in others’ shoes. We let go of power, status, title, privilege and qualifications. We move away from “center stage” to “stage right,” maybe even move to being “behind the scenes.” We allow it to be OK to not need to be “the expert.” We become servant rather than master. We become flexible rather than rigid. We come from our heart in addition to our head. We become less important rather than self-important. In essence, we add a “spiritual” component to “who I am” and “how I am.” In a way, we become invisible. We get out of own way. We become “quieter” – more self-reflective, more self-observant. In a word, humble.

Humility, being a “nobody,” means looking up at the vast, vast Universe and knowing.that “I’m not the center of it.” – regardless of my credentials.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you rely on your credentials to be seen as “somebody?” Do credentials, yours or others’, get in the way of your relationships?
• Are you ever jealous of others’ credentials? How so?
• Do you ever feel like a “nobody,” or deficient, because you lack a certain credential? What’s that like?
• What would a next credential “get you?” Do you feel like a “nobody” without it?
• Do you use your credential to behave like a “know-it-all” or an expert?
• Do you ever use your credentials to mask weakness, or deficiency?
• Do you keep your credentials in a proper perspective?
• Do credentials line your walls? If so, why?
• When folks ask, “What do you do?,” how do you respond? As a “do-ing” or a “be-ing?”
• Would you feel like the same person without one of your credentials? How so?
• What would it be like to practice being a “nobody” next week, in thought, word and deed?
• Do you always need to be “on”? If so, why?
• Are status and title important to you? How so?
• When did you first discover your need for status or title?
• How do you practice humility?
• When do you feel like a “nobody” and a “somebody”? How so?

———————————–——————
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Tiger and Fame — Is That All There Is?

 

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Just launched – three exciting new products

“And what shoulder and what art Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?” – Robert Blake, “The Tiger”

Back in 2010, the media were tripping over themselves to cover and capitalize on the Tiger Woods story. Over the years, I’ve read about and watched many such stories. Typical of much of the media back then, they seemed to be focusing on the titillating, the gossiping, the business repercussions for Tiger, Inc. and his sponsors, and how his actions would affect golf, or perhaps sports in general.

Well, here’s a different take.

Tiger is but one point on the continuum of ambitious folks who’ve achieved success and fame and were still left “wanting,” who fell from grace.

Almost every day, we can find examples of successful folks in politics, in business, in sports, in education, in religion, in the arts and entertainment for whom fame represented a defective, lacking, incomplete brass ring. For whom, simply, fame was not enough. Fame did not provide them with a sense of groundedness, a deep sense of self, a “center that holds,” an “OK-ness” with the world as I like to frame it, or core sense of wholeness and self-love. Rather, amid all the glamour, glitz and groupies, some part of them was feeling alone, lonely, loveless or lacking – suffering.

And to ease their suffering, they act out in inappropriate, self-sabotaging ways – infidelity, crime, abuse, addiction, and other seeming “rational” (as no one who commits a “sin” agrees in that moment it is a sin)or other acts of stupidity – in an effort to fill a “void” that fame could not. Laughing on the outside, not so much on the inside.

For these folks, no amount of fame, or fortune, can ever suffice. Their deep desire or need for fame, more and more of it, is largely in direct proportion to the void or “hole” or emptiness they want to fill. As many have never taken the time to explore what’s really underneath their need for fame, for crowds, for adulation and acceptance, they tend to shy away from their “demons” – seeking escape outside themselves.

Why isn’t fame enough for these folks? Why doesn’t fame “do it” for them? Eckhart Tolle asks, “If there are so many seekers, why are there so few finders?”

One reason is their search for success and fame is misplaced. Their search for acceptance and approval is misguided, misdirected. Their heart’s longing for a sense of their “self” is veiled by their not knowing who they are. So, looking outside their self, they seek something/someone they believe they do not have now.

Our psychological condition – what we think, our attitudes and feelings about “who I am” and about what is happening in my life, the childhood experiences and conditioning we have had that we have not explored and addressed, and the shadow side of our self that we have avoided – are factors that affect how we deal with life, with success, with fame.

As author Orison Sweet Marden, says, “We cannot rise higher than our thought of ourselves”- about who we are – regardless of the amount of our paycheck, the size of our adoring crowds, lovers, World Series rings, Heisman trophies, recordings, books, Oscars, Emmys or glittering marquis pulsing our name.

The Tigers of the world in some way, shape or form feel separate, or lack True and Real love or a harmonious alignment between their personality and their soul within. In this place, healthy and conscious life choices and decisions are often elusive and hard to make. This is their challenge.

Successfully meeting one’s challenges requires a deeper, soul-based, approach that supports one to go within to explore, inquire and gain a greater sense and understanding of their self – “Who am I, really?”

For Tiger, and the rest of us for whom fame, fortune and success “don’t do it,” we’re being offered the opportunity to “work” on issues that seek resolution, for example:

• Learning something new/necessary for our further growth and development that supports us in overcoming some limitation(s) imposed on our self, for example, by ignorance, by withdrawal from social connection or by not expressing our self on a deeper level
• Healing relationships where dysfunction, disconnection or  disharmony exist
• Clearing pathways of expression for Essential soul qualities that we need (e.g., love, compassion, will, discipline, strength, courage, steadfastness, wisdom…)
• Discovering or clarifying our life’s purpose
• Restoring order where disorder, or chaos exist in some way, shape or form
• Understanding when we need to become at times more independent and at other times more interdependent
• Restoring virtue where vice exists
• Bringing thoughts into alignment with our heart/soul
• Aligning our consciousness, understanding and behavior with universal laws
• Awakening our conscience in order to make moral choices
• Overcoming fear, terror and separation in order to experience greater unity within our self and with the greater whole of humanity
• Learning how to teach or express unconditional love
• Making connection with the Universe and trusting in its intelligence and love
• Learning that soul is present within us and within everyone and that each being is divine in their own right
• Supporting others when they need support

So, when the hubbub dies down, and we experience some quiet time before the next “star” falls from grace and captures all our attention, perhaps we can step back, take some deep breaths and inquire within, “Do I spend much of my life in a ‘wanting’ state? If so, what am I wanting? And, why? And what makes me think that someone or something outside myself will fulfill that wanting when I know, honestly, sincerely and and self-responsibly, that will never happen?”

“And what shoulder and what art
should twist the sinews of thy heart?”
-William Blake

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Is there a part of your life where you feel separate or lacking connection? Why do you think this is so? What might support you to overcome this separation?
• In what part of your life do you lack understanding? What might support you to overcome this challenge?
• Do you have a tendency to disempower yourself or others? What might support you to empower yourself and others?
• Where is love (real love, not the concept of love) lacking in your life? How might you resolve to express love appropriately in those parts of your life?
• How do you deal with success? Are you obsessed with success, fame, or being seen and acknowledged?
• Have you ever acted inappropriately in order to feel like a “somebody?” Do you ever compromise your values to be successful, liked, or acknowledged?
• Do you ever feel worth-less, value-less, unloved, or un(der)appreciated? How did that make you feel? When did you first notice this feeling?
• What was success or fame like for you when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Music of Your Life

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Just launched – three exciting new products

The Music of Your Life
Each of us is a work in progress. No one has “arrived.” We each compose the music of our own life.

The Disconnect
I remember once when I just began doing my personal psycho-emotional-spiritual work, one of my “teachers” suggested my “music” and “notes” may not be on the same page and perhaps this was something I might want to explore. I did.

What I discovered was a disconnect. Thus, my journey and work that continues to this day.

My take is for each of us, from time to time, our music does not reflect the notes on the page. When this occurs, it’s because we’re experiencing a kind of imbalance –  we’re out of harmony with our Self – in our life at work, at home, at play or in our relationship.

What is Harmony?
Harmony is a state of alignment or congruence among four elements: what we say, what we think, what we feel and what we do. Harmony arises when we experience alignment and congruity among our thoughts, feelings, actions and words.

Am I in Harmony?
A question I now explore consistently.

One way to become consciously aware of the degree to which we are or aren’t experiencing harmony is to sit quietly and reflect on our lives, where we feel grounded, peaceful, at ease and in sync with our Self – a conscious effort to explore how we feel about, think about, act around (or about) and speak about our various life areas, e.g., finances , career and livelihood, relationships at work, partnership and intimacy, personal environment and organization, personal, professional and spiritual development, health and wellness, family and friends and play and recreation.

When I’m not in Harmony
Imbalance and disharmony point to disconnects in the way we think, feel, speak about or act with respect to any of these life areas. For example, if I feel one way or think one way about money and yet my relationship to money is counter to how I think and feel about it, I’m bound to experience disharmony. If my behavior towards my colleagues, my friends, (former) spouse or partner in public differs from how I speak about them in private, when out of sight, I’m bound to be experiencing disharmony. So, for me, the question always is, “Does my music reflect the notes on the page called “me?” Are my notes out of sync? Off Key?

Folks who seem to be the most distressed, overwhelmed, confused, bored, frustrated, angry, or lost are most usually those whose music is out of tune – living a life that is out of tune.

In addition, when we experience disharmony with others, it’s usually because we’re not in harmony with ourselves. When we’re in harmony with our Self, we often find it quite easy to be in harmony with others – at work, at home, at play and in our relationships.

Feeling “out of sorts,” “foggy,” frustrated, lost or confused, most often reflects a state wherein we experience a disequilibrium among our mind, body and spirit – or head, heart and soul – between what we are thinking, feeling, saying or doing.

The major downside of being in a state of disharmony or disequilibrium is that, in this place, we often make unwise and unhealthy decisions or choices – at work, at home, at play and in your relationships. Disharmony results in our consistently sending ourselves mixed messages – messages that lead to confusion and self-doubt.

If we look back on some recent decisions that turned out to be self-defeating, self-sabotaging or unwise, there’s a good chance we lacked alignment how we were thinking, feeling and speaking. Personal, emotional, psychological and spiritual growth happens when we take time to consciously inquire into our internal conflicts – where disharmony lives.

Being in Harmony
When we experience harmony within – when our thoughts, words, deeds and feelings are in sync – we never have to look “outside” to blame, find fault, judge and criticize someone or some thing harshly. When we’re in harmony with our Self, we walk through life with a calmness, sense of inner peace and humility that says “all is right in the world” – our world within and the world without.

When we experience harmony, our song reflects balance and equanimity. Our notes are written with gentleness, mildness, respect, humility, modesty, tolerance and forgiveness. Inner harmony is what allows us to experience our soul qualities – courage, strength, wisdom, will, confidence, motivation, self-discipline, inner peace and love, compassion – qualities that consistently lead us to “right knowing,” “right action,”and “right understanding.”

Harmony supports us to live a life of honesty, integrity, sincerity and self-responsibility – no need for fakeness, phoniness, or deception. Harmony allows us to be at peace within our own skin.

No One Can Compose Our Music
Each of us is the composer of our own life’s music. We are the one who can choose to – or not – take responsibility when we hear a discordant note. And we, and only we, can then act – or not – to reduce or eliminate the discord in the melody of our life.

So, right here and right now, how’s your music? Do you need to change or discard any notes? Which one?

Some Questions for self-refection:

• What creates disharmony in your life? Hoe so?
• Do your actions reflect your feelings? Do your words mirror your actions? Are you always at odds with your Self? How so?
• Do you tell yourself lies? About whom or what? And why? What does lying get you?
• Is the music of your life harmonious or discordant? Where, and why?
• Does disharmony in your life create conflict with others – at work, at home at play or in your relationship?
• How do you promote harmony within your Self? Do you “walk your harmony talk?”
• What does disharmony look like in your life? How would others describe a disharmonious “you?”
• Do you tend to blame others for your disharmony? Why? Really, why?
• Can you recall experiencing harmony in and around your family when you were growing up?

  ————————————-
  (c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

  I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

  What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

  I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

  I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

  You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering