“Here we are, both of us lonely”*

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

*”I know it’s late, I know you’re weary
I know your plans don’t include me
Still here we are, both of us lonely
Both of us lonely
Why don’t you stay?”

Bob Seger, “We’ve got tonight.”
— Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
(if you wish to listen, the video )

Thanks to social media, we’ve become more “connected” to one another than ever before. One would think that’s a good thing. But, is it? There’s an ever-growing mountain of research suggesting that our “social-networking, intense connectivity” is actually driving us to become more lonely. How so?

Interactively lonely
One of the characteristics of social networking is the direct relationship between the size of our interactive network and the degree of isolation we experience. The greater the number of our connections and “friends,” it appears the more shallow we seem to become.

The greater our web of influence and connection, the more we seem to become ensconced in our own “socio-psycho-emotional zip code.” In spite of the quantum growth of connecting online, people are isolating themselves emotionally and psychologically in ever increasing numbers.

It’s curious that when you sign up for Google Pus, you’re asked to include “your real friends, the ones you feel comfortable sharing private details with.” Reading between the lines, what’s the unspoken message here? I think it’s about the uneasiness around social media’s unintended consequence of separating us from one another, actually creating greater loneliness and separation – in spite of the fact that social media’s initial intention was to allow us greater “connection” with one another. (Not unlike Starbucks whose initial intention was to create “community” – a community which now largely consists of a group of individuals, being separate and doing their own thing “together”).

Loneliness seems to be on the increase (and understand there’s a vast distinction between being “alone,” and “loneliness.”) A 2019 national survey by Cigna discovered that nearly half of U.S. adults are chronically lonely. Some physicians and healthcare providers characterize loneliness not only as an epidemic but as a medical danger as well.

Social interaction
Two questions I would pose are: (1) Are you meeting fewer or more people in real-time these days? And (2) When you gather with others, would you describe your bonds as less or more meaningful, less or more easy? This is really to ask, honestly and sincerely, how deeply meaningful, purposeful and sincere your “real-world” relationships are. How comfortable are you talking about personal or important matters or issues, or allowing your vulnerability, with those real-world folks with whom you say you have a “relationship?” And, is a lack of real connection driving you to relate online?

And, online, without “human” contact, so-called relationships become mere temporary experiences of convenience, as easily broken off as established. It’s no wonder parents and their children, spouses and partners are seemingly becoming more and more estranged from one another.

All of which makes me curious about the rise in the numbers of relationship psychologists, psychotherapists, counselors, social workers, marriage and family therapists and relationship coaches. Perhaps we’re not “talking” to, or “connected” to our real-world “friends” as much as we think or say we are. Hmmm.

Chicken and the egg
So two questions around social media are: (1) Are social media, causing more or less (mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological) pain and suffering? And, (2) Is our (mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological) pain and suffering causing us to gravitate to social media?

In other words, do those of us who feel socially “out of the loop” with real-world friends look for connection to social media? How about those who feel “out of the loop” with one’s family? How about you?

So, I would ask those who are engaged in social media to describe – honestly and sincerely – the quality of their relationship with their friends, with their families and with their spouses/partners. And what do they see or discover as a result of this inquiry? And does what they discover link up with an increased need to engage in social media?

The Casual
Research tells us there’s a host of individuals – characterized as neurotic and lonely – who spend an inordinate amount of time with social media. The question is: “Why?”

Healthy, conscious relationships foster (real) intimacy, trust, deep connectivity. When relationships are replaced by “electronic” interactions, emotional connection – the human factor that creates true relationships – goes missing, along with feelings of warmth,  friendship and intimacy towards the other person – what marriage researcher John Gottman says is the definitive foundational element that determines the sustainability of relationships. When there is no emotional connection, there is no friendship. True emotional connection is blocked by transmission through the ether.

We’ve created tools that reinforce “the casual” and augur against deeper connection – email, IM, Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp, Tumblr, Instagram, WeChat, QQ, QZone, Snapchat, Tagged, and countless others, all the while reducing and eliminating the opportunity for true heart-felt connection. We don’t spend the time it takes to have real intimacy with another person. The sad truth is the frequency of contact and the number of contacts in our network does not translate into the quality of contact.

The real thing
So, friends, relationships, and connections. Another question I would ask is: How real are they? What is the nature and depth of their friendship(s)? What is the nature and the depth of their intimacy? Is the friendship and intimacy as “real” as it is in real-life? Can and does social media truly and honestly create healthy friendships? And the operative word is “healthy.”

To be clear, social media is pure and simply a vehicle for connection. It doesn’t create loneliness or neuroticism or addiction or anything else. We create those states for ourselves. And this bears repeating. We create these states for ourselves. Nobody, no one or no thing is doing anything TO me. We’re each responsible for our own choices and decisions, online and off.

From what I’ve seen, heard and read, my take is that when we’re comfortable in our own skins (even with, and especially with, our own discomfort!) in our day-to-day interactions with our friends, colleagues, families, spouses/partners and others, we tend to be more real, honest, vulnerable, and emotionally, spiritually and psychologically mature and adult, with others online, and perhaps even less needy to be online. And, the converse is also true.

Who am I?
Being comfortable in one’s own skin – in real life – is probably one determinant of how one “shows up” in social media situations. There are those who take on a “fake it till you make it” orientation to life, i.e., lacking a true sense of happiness, or security, or self-love, or centeredness or groundedness, they show up with a “false identity.” This false identity reflects their sense of isolation, loneliness, lack and deficiency. Their self-esteem is determined by their updates, tweets and check-ins.

Those who have a healthier sense of self-esteem, identity and sense of their true and real self, show up just as who they are, warts and all. Perhaps less needy for online connections.

In her book, Alone Together, Sherry Turkle, professor of computer culture at MIT, writes: “…These days, insecure in our relationships and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and protect ourselves from them at the same time…” The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy…We don’t want to intrude on each other, so instead we constantly intrude on each other, but not in ‘real time’.”

Within an electronic world, more people may be connecting, but fewer are relating. We may live in an increasingly inter-connected world, but we are experiencing a far less inter-related one. One major consequence of living in such a culture? Human contact is more likely to be limited – a poor substitute for real conversation and authentic dealings with another human being. It’s questionable whether such “connecting” represents actual contact at all.

Even as it becomes easier than ever to stay “in touch,” our capacity actually to touch one another – physically, emotionally and spiritually – is slipping away.

You can’t be real and intimate from a distance. Period.

Can you be illusionary about relationships? Sure. But, real, authentic and intimate? No so much.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What face-to-face conversations do you avoid? Why?
• Are you spending less quality time with your spouse/partner, children, or others close to you?  How so?
• Do you regularly send virtual birthday or holiday cards and gifts in place of the “real” thing? Why?
• In what ways do you shortchange emotional connection with others?
• Do you feel alone or lonely even when in the company of your spouse/partner, children or other loved ones? Why?
• Are you addicted to Twitter, Facebook or other social networking tools? Can you do without these tools for an hour, a few hours, a day or a week? If not, well, that’s addiction – denials, protestations and “stories” notwithstanding.
• Do you engage with your iPhone or Smartphone while you’re having a face-to-face conversation with another person? What does that communicate to the other person? Do you care?
• Are you on an electronic leash on weekends, days off and while on vacation?

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship?Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Empathy comes from the heart, not the mind

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

In his book, Empathic Civilization: The Race to Global Consciousness in a World in Crisis,” Jeremy Rifkin, in one of the chapters, concludes, “…what is needed is a more transparent public debate around views of freedom, equality and democracy – a moratorium on the hyperbolic political rhetoric and incivility…and begin a civil conversation around our differing views on human nature. This would offer us a moment in time to listen to each other, share our feelings, thoughts, concerns and aspirations, with the goal of trying to better understand each others’ perspectives, and hopefully find some emotional and cognitive common ground.”

On the face of it, I believe most would agree – at least 99.9% of us would agree. It’s like saying, no one in the world should be hungry. Most would agree. But…

While Rifkin’s book is a detailed explanation of how we came to be a culture of incivility, and how empathy is a “way out,” his conclusion, for me, falls short of a real solution. Why? Rifkin essentially equates “cognition” with “consciousness” and assumes we can talk ourselves into being empathetic. Not so fast.

Love and empathy are matters of the heart, not the mind, and I think here is where Rifkin, and so many others, who posit intellectual and cognitive solutions for social ills, and social change, come up short.

Cognition and consciousness are poles apart
Cognition and consciousness are not synonyms but polar ends of a continuum. Here’s my take.

We live in challenging times – socially, politically, economically and spiritually. Incivility, disrespect, and out-and-out personal attacks are a consequence of this un-ease many are experiencing.

So, can I just “think” myself into being empathetic with those who push my buttons? I think not. At least not in any sustainable way.

Empathy is deeper stuff
Empathy is the ability and willingness to relate – not just cognitively or emotionally – but spiritually, from “within,” to what another is thinking and feeling and thus behave in a more compassionate way towards others. As Psychology Today describes it, “Empathy stands in contrast to sympathy which is the ability to cognitively understand a person’s point of view or experience, without the emotional overlay.”  As social policy analyst, Elizabeth Segal, writes,  “Empathy is more than ‘I hear you’.”

Amy Copland, Ph.D.,  Philosophy Professor at Cal. State, Fullerton, says being empathetic means we take an “other-oriented” approach to another, rather than a “me-oriented” perspective towards another. She writes, “Other-oriented means that I imagine I am you in your situation, not me in your situation. And because we are different people, I may need help to understand how you are feeling because imagining what your life is like is not the same as actually experiencing what your life is like.”

While empathy does certainly involve “brain stuff,” i.e., thoughts, and cognitive functioning, etc., empathy does not “originate” in the brain. Wanting and choosing to imagine what it’s like to be the other (or others), needs to come from deeper recesses, i.e, heart-driven, if it is to result in real, authentic and sustainable social change.

Being empathetic, then, means we do not express any egoistic need or intention (conscious or unconscious) to “fix,” teach, tell, one-up, advise, sympathize, interrogate, explain or “set another straight.” Empathy is a heart-felt choice to engage intimately with others, on a deepest level, by “be-ing” with another – providing a safe container for another to be vulnerable in our presence – feeling safe, secure, valued and heard. Simple, right? So, why is empathy so hard?

Why being empathetic is challenging
“Underneath the hood” of surface-level anger, distrust, incivility and disrespect between folks, there’s an element that sources our incivility – fear. Fear of what? Fear of losing control. Control of what? Our “identity,” our need to feel like a “somebody.” Our need to be seen, heard, recognized. Our need for psycho-emotional safety and security.

When individuals or groups fear a loss of democracy or status, or feel terrorized about losing their jobs, their homes, their health care, their educational opportunities, their families and, most of all, their sense of self, they fear being relegated to the ranks of “nobodies.”

Nobody wants to be a “nobody”
How am I dealing with these marginalized, fearful folks? Am I pushing them away? Do I see them as a threat to my identity, to my feeling like a “somebody?” Do status, ranking and “somebody-ness” depend on my doing, being and having more than them – a “zero-sum” approach to my living life, where I feel, “if you get yours, then I won’t get mine?” Is life a “me. vs. you” proposition? Do I see folks as a means to end? This is where empathy comes into play.

I am you
One tenet of many spiritual traditions is the notion that “I am you” – a metaphysical (far from cognitive) concept that points to the interconnection of all of life. An “I/Thou” approach to others is not based on the another’s packaging, i.e., looks, net worth, degrees, quality and quantity of material possessions, etc. The I/Thou personalness of relationships focuses on a heart-felt “we,” rather than “me vs. you.” How we are more alike than separate. I/Thou assumes a higher level of “consciousness” – how I orient to the planet and the people on the planet. This yearning, seeking is not simply “cognitive” stuff.

Four levels of consciousness:
Unconscious – instinctual, follower
Subconscious – habitual, robotic, drone-like, reactive
Conscious – aware, intelligent, conceptual
Higher Consciousness – intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal

Empathy reflects a state where one interacts with another with (from) a higher consciousness. It’s not about “deciding” to do so; it’s about an “inner knowing” that I choose to connect. It’s heart-felt, love-based. Empathy results from “going inside,” asking our hearts if our unconscious, subconscious, or conscious “stories” about others are honest, sincere, and authentic or are really defense mechanisms to protect my “ego” self, suppress or repress my fears about others. Higher consciousness allows us to enter into communication and harmony with others from a place of a “universal mind” where we relate to others as “my brothers and sisters.”

From a place of true and real empathy, i.e., higher consciousness, the energy of love and warmth fills the space between two people (or peoples), not the energy of coldness, resistance or resentment of a “me vs. you” ego-perspective. Empathy allows equality between and among individuals, all individuals.

Higher consciousness, not cognition, is the “secret sauce” of cooperation, collaboration, compassion and connection with others. Higher consciousness is a heart-based state that allows me to “feel your pain” – I am you.

Empathy is not thinking
What’s needed is a shift from an unconscious, subconscious and even conscious state, and cognition, that puts a microscope on our emotional, psychological and spiritual orientation to the planet and the peoples inhabiting it. This internal exploration is quiet, slow, continuous and intentional. It’s not “thinking about,” it’s not intellectual. Here we query our heart, not our mind.

Einstein said “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” My take here is that “thinking” is not the problem, but consciousness. While folks may be thinking differently, they are not moving in a sustainable way to a higher level of consciousness, of “be-ing” differently, of truly transforming (I’m no longer the person I was.). And this is the challenge – without transforming, we have old wine, new wine skins. Not sustainable.

The Indian Philosopher Krishnamurti said: “Thoughts are like furniture in a room with the windows and doors closed.” I wrote about  this recently. Much of the dialogue, books, articles and sharings of well-meaning folks who seek “solutions” to incivility, cross-cultural and social issues are in this room, with the doors and windows closed. Lots of listening, agreeing, disagreeing, and “solutions,” but it’s the same old furniture, only now with different colors and textures. Why? Discussions are mostly intellectual and cognitive. Only the heart will allow fresh air and lead to true and real change and transformation.

Empathy is co-relating
The solutions to our challenges are not about new (cognitive) flavors of democracy, freedom, economics and the like; they are about co–relating and co-creating on a spiritual (not religious or theological), deeper, heart-felt level. Our mean-spiritedness, anger, mistrust, and intolerance will not be reduced or eliminated by a cognitive understanding alone, but through the application of the salve of a higher consciousness produced by our hearts and souls. True empathy is not a matter of cognition. It’s a matter of heart. The common ground we seek to find is not in the real estate of the brain; but in the fertile fields of our hearts.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil, demeaning, or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify your behavior? How so?
• How do you generally interact with folks who think/believe/live differently from you? Truthfully.
• Do you live life from an “I need to be right” perspective? If so, why do you think that’s so? Where/How did you learn to come from this perspective?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How about being empathetic?
• Do you ever rationalize or justify another’s uncivil or disrespectful behavior? If so, how or why?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil manner? If so, how did you respond to their accusations?
• How did you, your family, deal with disagreement or the notion of being “different” as you were growing up?
• What do you notice if/when you think others on the planet are your brothers and sisters? What’s your comfort level around this notion?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible folks respond to disagreement or differences without being uncivil, bullying, angry, enraged, fearful or otherwise disrespectful?

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Talk, Talk, Talk

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

One of the most frustrating and irritating experiences at work is not just the sheer number of unnecessary meetings – although they do test one’s patience – but the endless talk and sharing of thoughts that seems to last forever, yet lead nowhere.

Human nature being what it is, many folks have an inherent and insistent (often unconscious) need to talk, teach, tell, train or otherwise get their $.04 cents in during meetings just because they need to be seen and heard.

It doesn’t matter that they’re often expressing thoughts that have no direct bearing on the meeting’s outcome. It doesn’t matter that what they’re saying isn’t new, innovative, creative or pertinent. Essentially, they enjoy talk for the sake of talk.

As I began to write this, I came across a quote from the Master Krishnamurti: “Thoughts are like furniture in a room with the door closed.”

So, I thought I’d take a chance and stretch this metaphor and write about “meeting give-and-take” from the perspective of moving furniture around in a room in order, hopefully, to support folks to stand back, and take notice of what they do, and how they are, at meetings in order to add value to their “meeting” experiences.

So, taking the quotation and the metaphor of thoughts as furniture a bit further – here goes:

What often happens at meetings is folks are just moving lots of furniture (read: thoughts) – first here, then there, then here, then over there. Then folks decide to change the fabric on the furniture and proceed to move it here, there and over there. It remains the same furniture (thoughts), with different fabrics (think different, but not new, “takes”).

Some add new colors, then, new textures and move the furniture again, here, there, here, there. However, it’s the same furniture, perhaps, with variations on a theme, but nothing really “new” and still with the door closed. No oxygen. No breath of fresh air. Nothing new, creative, inspiring, productive, engaging, innovative or fresh.

So, perhaps you might find some time to visualize yourself in a room with other folks and your collective task is to move furniture. Rather than simply move stuff around, or change its appearance but not its substance, I propose you tug on your own sleeve and inquire into the following self-reflective questions.

The goal is to explore not only the value and worth of others’ and your contributions, but to explore what you learn about yourself in the moving process, that is, to see “what I am learning about me” in the process of moving furniture, in a conscious effort to learn more about “who I am” and “how I am” while moving, or just watching others move, the furniture.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What kinds of feelings/emotions am I experiencing as I move the furniture, observe others moving the furniture, or express myself??
• How am I managing my feelings/emotions?
• What insights am I gaining about myself as I move or observe other movers?
• Do my biases, prejudices, assumptions, inferences, preconceptions, etc. limit me in any way?
• How am I reacting to the furniture, the textures, the colors, the fabrics?
• Is my moving affecting others? How so?
• Do I exhibit a specific way of sharing or thinking that helps/hinders a healthy moving environment?
• How are others’ moves affecting me?
• How do I feel about giving feedback to others’ moves, choice of textures, colors, fabrics?
• Am I seeking feedback for my choice of moves, colors, textures, fabrics? Why? Why not?
• Do I find myself reflecting about me as a result of others’ moves or choice of colors, textures or fabrics?
• Am I conscious of my reactions to others?
• Do I consider myself the moving expert, and the expert of colors, fabrics or textures? How do I express my expertise?
• Am I open to considering other, new possible moves, colors, textures and fabrics?
• If others’ choices are not like mine, are they “bad”/”wrong”? Why?
• Am I attached to my own agenda for how the furniture should be moved?
• Do I lift the spirit of the other movers?
• Am I being open-minded about moves, colors, textures and fabrics?
• Am I judging others’ choices?
• How is the energy of the room? Where are the blockages?
• What kind of energy am I generating?
• How would I describe my relationship with the other movers and their relationships with me?
• How do I handle difficult moves or challenging choices of colors, textures and fabrics?
• Does this experience push me past my personal boundaries and safety/comfort zones?
• Am I safe opening myself to new ways of moving, or to new colors, new textures and new fabrics?
• Do I prefer the old familiar way of moving, the familiar colors, familiar textures and familiar fabrics?
• Do I know more about myself upon leaving this room than when I entered? Did I, in fact, learn anything?
• What would happen if we all moved the furniture to another room and returned to this room, with its doors and windows open?

—————————————————–
(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

BMW – Driven to Distraction

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

“My days of whining and complaining about others have come to an end. Nothing is easier than fault finding.” – Og Mandino

BMW – no, not the car.
BMW – bitching, moaning and whining.

How often are you driven to distraction, taken off your game or lose your focus – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – due to someone’s continual venting, whining, complaining, nit-picking and fault finding? How often do you choose to allow, to enable, someone to suck your time and energy resulting in your missing a deadline, decreasing your productivity, messing up on an assignment or interfering with your pleasure – because consciously or unconsciously you’re driven by some internal mantra that says, “I’m your friend and I need to be there for you?”

Do you enable BMW-ers because you feel that’s what a good leader, manager, co-worker, friend, partner or spouse is supposed to do? Do you enable these folks, again and again, even though it stresses you out or leads to passive-aggressive behavior on your part?

So, here’s the deal. MBW-ers always feel better after they’ve had the opportunity to off-load their stuff on to you. MBW-ers always feel better when they commandeer you to carry their load. Why wouldn’t they?

The important question here is, “How does your taking on their stuff, again and again, help you!?” “How does their sleeping better, feeling better support your experiencing well-be-ing?” In a word, it doesn’t. You don’t sleep better, feel better, become more productive, or experience a heightened sense of well-be-ing by taking on their stuff.

What actually happens, over time, is you begin to experience overwhelm, fogginess, confusion, upset, resentment and exhaustion – mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

In reality, if you ask, “How is his/her life changing for the better as a result of my enabling their BMW-ing,” the answer (if we’re being honest, sincere and self-responsible) is, in all likelihood, “not at all.”

Venting is an addiction.

Most BMW-ers are very good at it. Most BMW-ers are addicted to their venting. It’s their drug of choice. Like most addicts, the capacity they lack is self-responsibility. BMW-ing is the venter’s way of avoiding taking responsibility for their life, for their feelings – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

The venter’s strategy is denial – choosing to not invest time, effort or energy exploring their state in life. BMW-ers have no interest in exploring or admitting their contribution in creating upset or conflict. They have no interest in exploring the root causes of their pain and suffering. Venters hardly ever come to you and ask for support in gaining clarity about steps they can take to clean up their messes, become more mature in how they relate to life and living, learn what’s underneath their anger and anxiety. That’s what addicts are good at – denial – when it comes to self-awareness, self-management, self-responsibility and self-actualization. BMW-ers are risk-averse when it comes to change and forwarding the action of their lives. Dumping – that’s their juice.

Most folks – unless they’re enablers and thrive on dysfunctional relationships – will admit, deep down, their supporting BMWs’ venting does not work for them or for the venters. Most normal, healthy human beings have a felt sense that supporting BMW-ers is self-sabotaging, yet, are unsure as to what to do. They’re conflicted by wanting to be a good friend and not knowing how to deal with a venter.

Responding to a BMW-er

So, here’s a suggestion: how about, “Well, (name of friend and/or colleague), I know my listening to you again and again makes you feel better for a while. But, honestly, I end up feeling worse. I like (love/admire/respect/honor) you and I want to be supportive; but, from my perspective, it seems that your venting is not getting you anywhere; rather, your venting is an addiction, like sugar or alcohol that gives you a momentary sense of feeling better, but in reality you are not taking responsibility for (the issue.) If you want support in working to find solutions, I’m happy to help, but I don’t want to be on the other end of your venting any more.” This is your opportunity to be honest, sincere and self-responsible. Takes courage and strength.

The Buddhist monk, Pema Chodrun, likens enabling to “idiot compassion” – supporting others to your own detriment. An honest and self-responsible response to a BMW-er takes inner strength, courage, empathy, self-love and compassion for the other person. The question is, “Can you choose to respond in an honest, sincere and self-responsible way to a venter?” Even if the BMW-er chooses to become angry or resentful?

It’s all about the truth.

The truth is, most folks balk when someone calls them on their stuff, on their addictions, and refuses to enable them any longer. So, are you willing to face their upset, to allow them to be mad at you?

The truth is, listening to MBW-ers spew their stuff and vent is not loving yourself, and, frankly, is not loving to them. What is loving and compassionate is for you to stop enabling their addiction, even if that’s tough for them to hear, and tough for you to do.

The truth is, you may actually lose a friend or colleague if you call them on their stuff. How does that resonate with you?

The truth is, friendship – honest, conscious and healthy relationships – is a two-way street. Many BMW-ers drive on one-way streets using you for their selfish gain with no regard for you as a friend, colleague or partner. They drive through life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – with a blurred vision.

The truth is, if your friend, the venter, pulls their friendship because “you never want to listen to me,” there never was a friendship – a dysfunctional relationship with a “victim,” perhaps, but not a friendship.

So, what do you think? Do you choose to hang on to, and enable, an MBW-er in a co-dependent, toxic and unhealthy relationship, or engage with real and true friends, colleagues and partners with whom you can learn and grow, extending mutual support and respect to one another?

“Take your life in your own hands and see what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.” – Erica Jong

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you the “go-to” person others seek out to dump and vent? If so, why do you think this is so?
• Do you “get something” from others seeking you out to vent? Are you addicted to others’ venting? How so?
• Do you encourage and support others to explore solutions for their issues, rather than simply allowing them to vent?
• Do you feel stressed by others’ venting? If so, is this OK? Do you put up with it? Why?
• Are you a venter? What would friends, colleagues or your partner say?
• Are you uncomfortable confronting others about their venting? Can you tell them you won’t passively listen to their venting?
• If you are a BMW-er, what does venting get you? How has venting honestly changed your life for the better?
• Do you prefer to vent rather than explore real solutions to your life’s challenges?
• Were you around venters growing up? What was that like
• If you tend to be a venter, where did you learn how? Who taught you? Who enabled you?

 

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering