How Could They!? Revenge and Compassion

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“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” – St. Matthew, King James Version

In October 2006, a lone gunman entered a one-room Amish school in rural Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and killed five girls (six others were hospitalized). It turns out the killer had allegedly molested two young girls some years earlier; what is also known factually is that he had a young daughter who had died a premature death – a death for which he never forgave God. He wanted revenge, and he exacted it in that schoolhouse.

Even though this incident happened over fourteen years ago, what followed still remains both awe-inspiring to some and mind-numbing to others.

Mired in grief over their loss, the Amish community responded with forgiveness. Folks didn’t blame, seek revenge, run to the nearest law firm to “lawyer up,” rally for gun control or otherwise “act out.” Rather, in their humble and quiet manner, they extended their hand with compassion and grace to the killer’s family to offer comfort for their own pain and suffering. They donated money to the killer’s wife and children. The killer’s family was invited to one of the Amish girl’s funeral; and Amish mourners counted more than the non-Amish at the killer’s funeral.

My sense is that a majority of rational, decent and well-minded human beings would view the Amish response as what? Stupid, Outrageous, Soft, Foolish, Spiritually inept, Ridiculous, Unbelievable,  or…?

Tragedy, upset and compassion
So, how do you deal with the upsets, tragedies and life’s vicissitudes – large and small – that rock, and have rocked, your world? How do you deal with those at work, at home, and in everyday life who you feel “wrong(ed)” you, treated you unfairly, or damaged your spirit? Do you seek revenge? Do you lash out? Are you an “eye for an eye” type, looking to gain your “pound of flesh?” Or are you forgiving, compassionate and understanding?

We know the Amish are not “over it.” We know that pain and suffering can remain in their hearts. But, do we need to balance hurt with hate, with revenge, with “getting even?

As for the Amish, we ask, “How could such folks forgive a terrible, unprovoked act of violence against the innocent?”

The role of compassion
We know the Amish culture teaches forgiveness and placing the needs of others before themselves and that there is good in any situation. Vengeance and revenge is not a daily theme or way to deal with life.

They know that hatred is nothing more or less than a poison or a cancer that eats one alive. Forgiveness is what allows one to cope and move forward. Letting go of grudges is what allows them to focus on the work of their own healing.

The Buddhists speak often of compassion. Not a compassion that is airy-fairy, soft, syrupy, but a compassion that allows one to bear the pain of another – to let go of the “me vs. you” struggle we so often allow to justify our need for getting even or to exact our pound of flesh, and to legitimize revenge.

The Dalai Lama wrote, “According to Buddhism, compassion is an aspiration. It’s a state of mind, wanting others to be free from suffering. It’s not passive, but rather an empathetic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering. Genuine compassion must have both wisdom and loving kindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (wisdom), and one must experience a deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (loving kindness).”

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with (their own) pain.” – James Baldwin

The Buddhist Monk, Pema Chodrin, says, “In order for us to have compassion for another, we have to have compassion for ourselves.” The way we have compassion for ourselves is not to avoid suffering and seek pleasure, but to directly connect to our own pain and suffering, not avoid it, not deny it, not cover it up, not medicate it, not to blame others for it; and then embrace the suffering of others. When we get in touch with our own pain and suffering and work with it, embrace it, learn from it and heal from it, we can then love ourselves, truly love ourselves, and in the process love others.

In working with our pain and suffering we gain a larger and wider perspective on life, we become self-less, and open the door to understanding ourselves and others from a more spiritual, interconnected perspective. We have a larger view of reality, a view that is not emotional, reactive, muddied, or defensive, but a view that sees the oneness of all human beings regardless of their faults and foibles, regardless of the harshness of the words or actions.”

Getting to this place of compassion and forgiveness is one of the reasons we’re on the planet – to transmute our hate into love. Simple, not always easy.

Some questions for self-refection:

• Do you allow the actions of individuals and groups to make you angry, resentful, or hateful. Why?
• What are your greatest fears and why?
• Do you blame others for your state in life?  How so?
• Do you have a need not only to get mad when you feel wronged, but to get even? Why?
• Do you hold any grudges? How so?
• Do you have a list of folks who have wronged you in life?
• Do you live by an ” eye for an eye” mantra?
• If you “forgive, but do not forget” you’re really not forgiving. How do you feel about that approach to forgiveness? What emotions come up for you? Why?
• Growing up, where did you first learn about forgiveness? How so?
• Growing up, where did you first learn about grudges? How so?
• Do you live life with an inner, “low-grade-fever” type of ongoing anger? How so?

“We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies.” –Voltaire
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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Money and Motivation

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The question of money and motivation has been around for a long time Google “money and motivation” and you’ll get 531,000,000 results. Years of research, and countless books and articles have been, and continue to be, written, about money and motivation. From my perspective, much of the focus on money and motivation points to the superficial needs of people or points toward the immediate gratification that money seems to bring. The inquiry around money as a motivator must be explored more deeply if one is to truly understand the nature of the so-called relationship between money and motivation.

There are a number of personal orientations relating to money and motivation. Some of these are:

1. I’m not making as much money as I’d like, but I absolutely love my work, or the flexibility, or the control I have, or the opportunity for creativity, etc. ( (the “starving artist” perspective)

2. I need to be in this salary range, make this much money, because I need to be seen as “somebody” as opposed to “nobody” in my circle of friends, acquaintances, family, etc. who view “money” as a merit badge of some kind.

3. It’s not the money, per se, but what the money “gets” me….i.e., possessions, stuff, materialism…which point to some level of status, “being somebody”  and being recognized, which gives one an egoic sense of “having arrived.”

4. I need more and more money as I’ll never have enough, reflecting the reality that “your expenses always rise to meet your income” syndrome. As I said recently to an attorney client of mine who is living from this orientation and feeling frustrated, financially, “If you feel you cannot live on two million dollars a year, what makes you think you will live, comfortably, on three million?”

4. Unconsciously filling the psycho-emotional “hole” of lack and deficiency which subsumes one or more of the above orientations and is the driver of the obsession with having money and needing more money, and what money “gets” one in order to feel (albeit fleetingly) whole and complete – the illusion that money provides a sense of self, or a sense of one’s worth or value. Yes, money can and does give one a sense of control, safety and security, but, as Abraham Maslow and other research suggest, once one’s basic financial needs are met, additional money probably won’t increase one’s true and real happiness.

At the end of the day, it’s important to look at the intrinsic notion of motivation, that motivation is driven by one’s inner values and so it’s important to explore one’s values and from where one’s values emanate, i.e., from one’s True and Real Self, one’s Inner Core or from one’s ego-driven needs for control, recognition and security which result in often-misguided values, the relentless pursuit of which, usually leads one to experience a “lifestyle” (certainly not a life) mired in the self-sabotaging thinking and behaviors reflecting frustration, resentment, anger, hate, rage, entitlement, misguided choices, and the feeling of never having or being enough.

When one comes from one’s Core Values, one’s Inner Sense of what is important in life and living, then intrinsic, or self-motivation, is at the heart of a life well-lived, at work, at home, at play and in relationship. Intrinsic motivation is at the heart of creativity, self-management, self-responsibility, healthy behavior (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological social, and, yes, financial). Money, in this sense, has a different emotional and psychological energy around it, a softer energy, not unlike the energy reflected by one who says, “I love my work and I can’t believe I get paid for doing this.”

Many folks, in the relentless pursuit of “money,” actually lose sight of what it was in the first place that got their juices flowing, e.g., having the “corner office” blocks, or short-circuits, the initial love of the work; or obtaining the” title” or position interferes with one’s initial love of mentoring and supporting others and finding that the relentless pressure to make and have more money, or a bigger title becomes more important than the joy one used to experience when one was focused on one’s love of the work itself. Losing one’s way along the way. The mid-life crisis that now often starts at 30.

Money, as the ultimate driver, then veils the clarity of one’s choices and one often makes unfortunate and self-sabotaging choices when controlled by money. I often experience this kind of illusion in my work with some clients, individuals who have made self-defeating choices in their work life, social life and spiritual life because the lens with which they viewed their world and their place in the world had become “green.”

For many of those who believe that “money” is the sign of “success,” or that money is what it takes to be “somebody,” etc., long-term success is often unattainable; it’s a “Sisyphean approach to living.

For many folks, it’s when they have experienced enough anger, anxiety, frustration, feelings of inadequacy unhappiness and loneliness, fueled by their misguided values and beliefs that “money buys happiness, so I need or more of it,” that they then have a real motivation to change and adapt a life and lifestyle that is truly Values-based, values that emanate from their True and Real Self, where money is important, but not an obsession (conscious or unconscious).

Motivation from this Inner place is much different. Motivation from this Inner place is not bounded by internalized pressures to have more, or by rigid, self-sabotaging inner structures or beliefs, or by paralyzing self-criticism that one is not (“_____ enough”) for lack of more money. From this Inner state, one realizes that one’s true worth and value is not financially driven. That one’s purpose in life and the meaning one derives from life and work is intrinsically driven from one’s Inner Core Values.

From this place, one comes to one’s world of work or play from the perspective of a whole person, as one whose choices, volitions, motivations and intentions are driven by a freedom that was heretofore restricted and constricted by the “value” of money.

Finally, I have crossed paths with folks who feel that money allows them to be autonomous. Actually, the opposite seems more true that money has forced many of these folks to live in an emotional and psychological prison whose bars are the self-defeating, self-sabotaging and controlling beliefs and behaviors driving these folks to do, be, and have in a way that forces them into a lifestyle (again, not a life) mimicking the lifestyles of the folks living in their own prisons on either side of them…the illusion of autonomy, not the actions of one living from the place of one’s True and Real self.

From this Inner Self, the energy of “I am,” “I can,” “I will,” “I have,” “I choose,” “I love,” “I create” and “I enjoy,” that is, intrinsic motivation and intention, flows with a sense of purposefulness, ease, grace, settledness and grounding that does not have a “price tag.” Money is almost a by-product.

Some questions for self-reflection are:

• How would you describe your relationship with money?
• Do you feel accountable and self-responsible when it comes to managing your money?
• Do you know exactly how much you own and how much you owe?
• If you were independently wealthy, would you continue to work?
• Do you balance your checkbook properly and regularly?
• Do you buy gifts for others even though you can’t afford them?
• Do you have a tendency to blame others for your financial troubles (boss, parents, banks, credit card companies, etc.)?
• Do you constantly worry about money?
• Do your expenses rise to meet your income?
• Is money your primary (or only) motivation for going to work?
• Does your self-worth at work and outside of work depend on how much money you have or earn?
• Do you cheat or lie in order to save money?
• Are you envious of others at work (or elsewhere) who earn more than you? How so?
• Does your financial state interfere with your ability to focus and be completely engaged in your work during your workday?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Put-Down Humor…is not Humorous

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You’re standing in a group, talking, and one of the members starts shooting verbal “zingers” at you. Everybody seems to get a hearty laugh at your expense. That is, everybody but you.

Light (and not-so-light) insult humor has become almost a national pastime. When you’re the butt of the jokes, the sarcasm, you may try to shrug it off as harmless, but it stings. And if you’re the one getting laughs at others’ expense, you may not realize what you’re revealing about yourself.

Let’s shed some light and insight to this common workplace, family and social group experience.

Verbal Abuse is Not Funny
Over the years, I’ve been engaged (formally and informally) in workplace coaching with teams and groups, and working with couples. Some of these groups, teams and couples were relatively new while others have been” intact” for quite some time. Individuals represented the spectrum of “types” that might be included in the myriad descriptions of the MBTI or DiSC-type assessments or profiles. So, nothing unusual in the participant makeup.

However, across teams, groups and couples, I was often struck by one behavior that stood out above all others, namely, the propensity for many of these individuals to consistently engage in making destructive, cutting, sarcastic remarks to and about others (“the other,” in the case of couples).

Destructive or sarcastic comments – personal or professional – are those which are hurtful, demeaning, sarcastic and verbally abusive.

What You Say Matters
The comments I experienced were directed at others’ physical characteristics (hair, clothes…), perspectives or ideas, or life choices (e.g., others’ choices of restaurants, movies, books, sports or sports teams, or others’ hobbies or interests, relatives, past educational or professional experiences…), or folks’ current performance.

These were not simply run-of-the-mill light comments. There was an underlying anger, resentment, hostility or destructive element wrapped inside. By the way, the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein,” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.”  It’s no wonder sarcasm hurts..

On more than one occasion, I had to do an internal, invisible “double-take,” and ask myself, “Did I really hear that?” “Did he really say that?” “Did she really throw that zinger at him?”

What continually came to me was “Why? What is this all about?”

In Western culture, the biting, sarcastic, demeaning put-down has become an art form, everywhere – TV, movies, talk radio, sports events, journals and magazines, and, of course, in online, social media interactions. It’s part of the fabric of everyday conversation. And more, many folks today see such behavior as “business as usual,” or as “no big deal.”

In fact, when I asked some of these folks if they were aware of what they said, most responded, “No.” or “So, what?” Like I had three heads or came from another planet. For many of these folks, their sarcastic behavior is a true “blind spot.”

There’s Always A Reason
So, let’s return to the question, “Why?”. In my experience, in the realm of psychology and psychodynamics, we understand most folks engage in put-downs, sarcasm and barbs as a way to look smart, witty and cool. The difference is that being truly smart, witty and cool, does not include hostility. Sarcasm does, intentionally or unintentionally. Being “entertaining” does not include hostility — notwithstanding the “humor” of Robin Williams and other comedians – many of whom were/are suffering from their own mental/psychosocial issues that fed their (sarcastic and put-down) humor.

Dr. John Grohol, the founder and Editor-in-Chief of PsychCentral, says, “Sarcasm is simply saying something intended in a mean-spirited, derogatory or unpleasant manner while meaning the exact opposite. Most people who use sarcasm expect that the recipient of the sarcastic message to recognize the contradiction.” That is, I’m being hurtful but the humor is worth it. Hmmm.

That’s the upside (read, excuse) for them. The downside is that the person for whom the comment is directed is often harmed, hurt, demeaned, or otherwise made the point of ridicule.

When I ask other group participants, or partner/spouse, – i.e., the bystanders – why they often react with laughter, or with some flavor of “atta boy” comment, they generally say they something like, “I don’t know; I just do. It was funny.” Or some such cover for their underling hurt or pain.

The truth is many react this way in a “go along to get along,” colluding, fashion because they don’t want to stand out as different, serious, politically correct, spiritual, or cause anyone to get upset by saying how they really feel, etc. They want and need to be “one of the boys” or “the good, dutiful, loving spouse/partner.” So speaking up or out, or pushing back against such comments and behavior, will only serve to get them ostracized or rejected. So, they laugh or jump into the banter, make the best of a verbal gang rape or spousal abusive situation.

The deal is, no matter how sharp one is, how educated, how senior in the hierarchy one is, how wealthy one is, how witty one is, no one has the right to strive to look witty, sharp or cool at the expense of another human being, at the expense of being disrespectful or hostile to another human being.

And, for those who have a need to do so, the underlying question is, “Why? What does it get you? Does it make any difference that you might be hurting someone else?”

Jen Kim, tells this anecdote in Psychology Today, “…A few months ago, my friend and I visited a Buddhist temple, which serves really amazing vegetarian food. I was really hungry and thought, What the hell! Let’s stay for the service! The monk spoke about being a good person and living a good life, bobloblaw… and then ended the lesson with, “Sarcasm will prevent you from reaching enlightenment.”

Freud says humor, and jokes, are ways we reveal our conscious and unconscious intentions and feelings. He points out that humor often is a cover for our anger, envy and aggression. As David Ley, Clinical Psychologist, says, “…Our words matter. When we allow them to spill out, without thought or consideration, they reveal our unspoken intents and feelings. When those intentions and motivations are harmful, or threatening, it’s part of being an adult, that we “own” those words and the feelings they revealed. And, we own and acknowledge the consequences of those words.”

Sarcasm is wrong. Pure and simple.

No mater how witty you think you are!

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Can you think of a time recently when you made a sarcastic or demeaning remark to a teammate, colleague, co-worker, husband, wife, partner, or children “for the fun it?”
• Can you remember a time when you were the recipient of another’s sarcastic comments? How was that for you? Be honest.
• If you have a reputation for being witty or sharp because you are a master of sarcasm, how does that make you feel?
• Would you ever ask the objects of your sarcasm how they feel?
• What does sarcasm get you, personally?
• Do you think others really respect you, or just go along to get along, when they respond in a laughing sense to you sarcasm?
• Did you ever tell a colleague or friend to stop using you as a target for their destructive words? How so?
• Did you ever want to, but not speak up, when experiencing another’s sarcasm? Why?
• Who would you be if sarcasm were not part of your personality? Would you lose some or much of your identity? How so?
• Do you use a “just joking” defense when someone calls you on your sarcasm?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Valentine’s Day – Not Just Candy and Flowers

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Valentine’s Day is quite upon us. It’s a time when the majority of us turn our thoughts to hearts, flowers, cards and candy. For many of us, it’s a time of expressing through “things” what we find hard to say with words. For many of us, speaking from the heart and expressing our sentiments in an intimate is challenging or uncomfortable,.  So, “we say it with flowers.”

Many of us long to be able to look our partner in the eye and say what’s in our hearts, to be completely open, to be transparent. Many of us long for the intimacy that allows connecting without words, an intimacy that allows connecting with but a loving glance or a loving touch.

Many of us long to be in relationship…not just “acquaintanceship.”

Many of us long to be wrapped up within each other’s heart and soul and not just caught up in the wrapping of our partner’s “packaging.”

So, this Valentine’s Day, it might be a welcome opportunity to take some time for self-reflection and consider what your ideal relationship would really, really be like, right here, right now…not somewhere down the road…in the future. After all, the future begins now.

So, some questions for self-reflection:

Do you see your relationship as a “problem to be solved,” or as an adventure to embrace together?

Do you see conflict in your relationship as a friend and opportunity for growth or connection, or as a pain in the butt?

Does your partner support your becoming “whole,” or as someone who keeps you from being all that you can be…on every level?

Are you willing to cross the bridge to “meet” your partner, or are you only waiting for your partner to come to your side?

Do you recognize that your partner’s bewildering behavior is a cry for your help, or do you see his or her behavior as an irritant that only results in your resistance or resentment?

Do you recognize that every frustration is a gift for your relationship? (i.e., Why is this frustration happening FOR me – not TO me)? What is frustration teaching you, about you?

Do you and your partner honestly, sincerely and openly dream your dreams together?

Can you and your partner gently and lovingly hold one another’s hand, or do you need to grasp on tightly and chain your partner’s soul to your way of be-ing and do-ing?

How do you view love? Does love allow you to stand tall and upright or does love mean “leaning” on the other?

Do you accept your defeats and defects with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a man, or with the grief, resentment or begrudging of a child?

So, on this Valentine’s Day, can you plant your own garden without waiting for someone to bring you the flowers?

On this Valentine’s Day, can you experience your own sweetness without waiting for someone to bring you the candy?

On this Valentine’s Day, how are you in relationship with your own heart? Can you look in the mirror at your own reflection and say: “I love you with all my heart; I am complete?” or do you “need someone else” to complete you?

Do cards, candy, and flowers create your sense of well-being, or can they simply be the icing on the cake of a full, and complete heart, your own full and complete heart?

On this Valentine’s Day, are you in relationship or in acquaintanceship? How do you know?

Perhaps, take some time and ask your heart where your heart is this Valentine’s Day, and be still, and listen. What is your heart telling you?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering