What It Like to Say, “I don’t know?”

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So, can you remember a recent time you were in conversation with someone and said, openly and honestly, “I don’t know.”? And, felt completely at ease and at peace with “not knowing”?

Why we feel we need to know

In life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – we’re expected to have certain capacities and competencies – i.e., “know-how.” Others often expect or depend on our ability to have, be or do.

But, what happens, inside us, when facing a dilemma, a conundrum, a challenge or problem and we just “don’t know?”

In Western culture, it’s common to want (or need?) to “save face” and so when we feel challenged, we conjure up the “appearance of knowing” so we can feel we’re in control and be recognized for what we know. In our culture, we overemphasize how much we know. While we may feel that “not knowing” is unacceptable, the fact is we often just don’t know from time to time. Isn’t that true?

Why “not knowing” puts us on the defensive

When we don’t know, we move into an unconscious reactivity to “defend” ourselves in some way, shape or form – i.e., clinging to jargon, double-speak, techno-babble and the like to mask our unknowing, or espousing a facade or fakeness about knowing – sometimes resorting to facts or figures to cloud an issue, or muddying already-murky waters, or avoiding, feigning “exclusion” or seeking allies to support our not knowing, or blaming someone else in order to deflect our discomfort, fear, insecurity or uncertainty. All of this to be in control and protect our fragile egos.

The benefit of not knowing

In Eastern cultures, “not knowing” is often seen as a self-supporting, personal-developmental practice that can actually bring one to be ever more effective in experiencing life. Welcoming a conflict or problem with a sense of “not knowing” can be an opportunity for creativity and insight. The darkness of the unknown supports us to access our inner strength, our inner wisdom and higher self. Asking positive (not-fear-based, reactive) questions from a place of curiosity can support us to overcome our fear, uncertainty, doubt or feelings of lack or deficiency.

Actually “not knowing” gives us an opportunity to consciously slow down, “take a deep breath,” delete our assumptions, misperceptions, , misunderstandings, “stories” or expectations so we can be present in the moment, right here and right now, without the intensity, irritation and agitation to “get somewhere else,” “to have an answer, to be right.” “Not knowing” gives us an opportunity to relax into our body and mind, focus on the foreground and the background, to “see beyond our eyes,” to jettison “my knowledge” and be curious about what I don’t know. “Not knowing” is all about curiosity, the adventure of “finding out” from a place of “Hmmm, that’s interesting. I wonder what that’s all about.”

“Not knowing” is about “punctuation,” – i.e., more question marks and fewer periods. It’s about being inquisitive, not about ego, personality, blaming, judging or “being right.” When we “don’t know” we invite, we are open, we ask and observe, watch and listen. We slow down, give up our need to be “the expert.” We “allow” life to unfold; we don’t “make” life unfold.

Rather than defending against “not knowing, we can relax into “not knowing” as a part of who we are, knowing that it’s a part of our everyday life and an opportunity to grow and learn something new about ourselves in the process.

Two sets of questions:

• Questions that evolve from a place of “not knowing:
• If there is a deeper reason for me to be here, what is it?
• What’s important to me about this situation and why do I care?
• What’s my intention here? What’s the deeper purpose – the “big why” – that is worthy of my best effort?
• What stands in the way of my being fully present in this situation?
• What draws me to this interaction?
• How much does the first person who speaks set the tone for the ensuing conversation?
• Can I by-pass some of the trust issues that normally keep /me from opening up and moving into deep conversations?
• Can I step into the unknown?
• To what degree might it be possible for me to see the world/issue/problem through another’s eyes?
• What am I hiding?
• Do I give myself permission to be fully myself?
• Does my “expertise” distract me from exploring the essence of the issue/question?
• How comfortable (am I with not knowing?
• What would someone who had a very different set of beliefs than I do say about this situation?
• What is missing from the picture so far? What am I not seeing? Where do I need more clarity?
• What could happen that would enable me to feel fully engaged and energized in this situation?
• What’s possible here and who cares about it?
• How can I support others in taking the next steps? What unique contribution can I make?

and

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Is it OK to “not know”?
• How do you feel when you “don’t know?”
• What behavior(s) do you engage in when you “don’t know?” Do you ever “pretend” you do know? Why?
• Do you ever see “beyond your eyes”? (observe what’s around you that you’ve never noticed before…e.g., a crack in the ceiling, color/shapes of plants in the office, another’s tone of voice, color of lights in the elevator, a client or friend’s usual way of talking or their body-language, softness of the carpet in your office, others’ email signatures, pictures in the taxi, store, etc..)?
• What in life are you curious about? Have you explored further?
• Do you resist “not knowing?”
• What is one upcoming opportunity where you can practice “not knowing?”
• What was always needing to “know” like for you and your family when you were growing up?

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Commitment and Harmony

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What is a commitment?
A commitment is an agreement that is (1) a fact demonstrated by observable and measurable behavior and (2) an attitude that reflects a consistency and alignment in thought and belief.

For example, a committed relationship is one where one’s behavior demonstrates commitment in an operational and observable way and one where one’s thoughts and beliefs about the relationship are consistent, and in alignment with, the notion of commitment.

If one says one is in a committed relationship but never has time for one’s partner, that is not commitment.

If one spends 95% of one’s time with one’s partner but is consistently wishing or wanting to be elsewhere, not sure if the relationship is the right one, or fantasizing being with another person or persons, that is not commitment. 

What is harmony?
Harmony is a state in which there is congruence among what one says, feels, thinks and does. When one or more of these four elements is not in alignment with the others, one will not experience harmony; rather, one will experience a feeling of imbalance, a feeling of being “off,” that results in little true and real joy, happiness, meaning or purposefulness. In a state of imbalance, one is moving robotic-like though life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

When we’re committed, we show we care deeply and are engaged – yes, even at work. 

Conscious commitment
For commitment to be conscious and healthy, four elements are necessary: (1) be clear about who you are, what you want in life and know how to get what you want; (2) have a clear set of well-defined goals for your life (at work, at home, at play and in relationship); these goals must be in alignment with who you are, and your core values; (3) conscious preparation for the commitment – have the physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, social, psychological and communication skills that will support your choice to commit; and (4) actually committing – making the conscious choice to commit, engage and participate.

The path to true and real happiness is paved with commitment. No commitment, no happiness. Perhaps a faux happiness, the appearance of happiness, but not the real thing – a phony and fake happiness that is ever ephemeral, and fleeting. Always looking for more and for “the next best thing,” or person.

Unhappiness
Consider those who consistently say they are unhappy – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. What’s most often lacking is commitment. How so?

Most probably because they have never truly (consciously) sat down and reflected on their deeper, core life requirements or the core values underneath such requirements. More likely, what they have done (beginning in childhood and moving through adolescence and into early adulthood) is come up with a list of work-life-play requirements based on someone else’s beliefs of what’s right, necessary, good or important and as a result became indoctrinated along the way with other folk’ beliefs about what’s important – parents, extended family members, media, Reality TV, politicians, corporations, friends, salespeople, competitors, teachers, clergy, academics, bosses, military leaders, and the like.

But, sadly and unfortunately, they never took the time and energy to consciously explore inside and ask themselves what they really, really want – an exploration that comes from their deeper, heart-felt, soul-driven place.  Rather, they followed lock-step, or blindly, someone else’s vision or goal. It’s no wonder they cannot experience commitment.

Signs of lack of commitment
One way to identify those who’ve never taken the time to deeply and consciously explore work-life-play-relationship commitment in a truly meaningful and purposeful way is to observe how they are characterized by (1) a lack of clarity about their life purpose, their core values or the place of spirituality in their life; (2) a consistent tendency to look outside themselves for life’s “answers;” (3) a limited ability for, or tendency to, self-reflect; (4) a lack of clarity about “who I am;” and (5) a low-grade-fever type of state where they experience frustration, overwhelm, agitation, unhappiness and discontent on a regular basis.

The first step to exploring commitment, in a conscious and healthy way, is to look at the discrepancy that exists between commitment in fact and commitment in attitude to see what’s causing the discrepancy. HINT – the cause is never “out there.” The inquiry begins with personal responsibility, by honestly asking:

“What’s going on with me that accounts for my lack of engagement or commitment (either in fact and/or in attitude)?”
“Why don’t I have what I want?”
“Why does having what I think I want always lead me to feeling unhappy, empty, lonely and unfulfilled?”
“Why do I always feel I’m on the outside looking in?”
“Why am I always asking others what they think, feel or believe?”
“Why do I seem to sabotage myself so much?”
“Why am I so jealous and envious of others?”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How committed to, and engaged, are you with your activities during your day at work, at home, at play and in relationship? How so?
• How do you manifest commitment, dedication and passion?
• With respect to your career, your relationships, your health, your friends, your family and your happiness, how committed are you and how indifferent are you? If you say you are committed and devoted, are you committed in fact and in attitude?  Or, are you just going through the motions, being habitual, or being half-hearted? How might others feel about the degree of your commitment and engagement?
• Do you ever emotionally, verbally or physically bully, become overbearing, or manipulate others because you are committed against something?
• Do you find yourself delaying, denying, deferring and procrastinating because you are not 100% committed to someone or something?
• Do you ever doubt the value of your commitments? If so, when?
• Are you afraid to let go of that which you are not committed? Why do you hang on?
• Do you ever “act as if” to make believe you are committed?
• When was the last time you took time to seriously reflect on who you are, what you want in life or why you may be feeling uncommitted to someone or some thing?
• How do you know your values are your values and not someone else’s values you just took on as you grew up and matured?
• Do you ever “go along to get along” when you know “deep down” that it’s bad for you? Why?
• Do you become defensive when someone questions your life-work choices or your values?
• Do your values and beliefs ever contradict one another?
• Do you ever notice a conflict between your external or public voice (what you say to others) and your internal and private voice (what you believe and say to yourself quietly) while in conversation at work, at home or at play? Or in conversation with your spouse/partner? How so? Does this make you curious?
• Do you feel your life reflects “harmony?”
• How did you learn about commitment growing up?

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering