When the Waters Were Changed (Rumi)

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“Once upon a time Khidr, the teacher of Moses, called upon mankind with a warning. At a certain date, he said, all the water in the world which had not been specially hoarded, would disappear. It would then be renewed, with different water, which would drive men (generic) mad.

Only one man listened to the meaning of this advice. He collected water and went to a secure place where he stored it, and waited for the water to change its character.

On the appointed date the streams stopped running, the wells went dry, and the man who had listened, seeing this happening, went to his retreat and drank his preserved water.

When he saw, from his security, the waterfalls again beginning to flow, this man descended among the other sons of men. He found that they were thinking and talking in an entirely different way from before; yet they had no memory of what had happened, nor of having been warned. When he tried to talk to them, he realized that they thought that he was mad, and they showed hostility or compassion, not understanding.

At first, he drank none of the new water, but went back to his concealment, to draw on his supplies, every day. Finally, however, he took the decision to drink the new water because he could not bear the loneliness of living, behaving and thinking in a different way from everyone else. He drank the new water, and became like the rest. Then he forgot all about his own store of special water, and his fellows began to look upon him as a madman who had miraculously been restored to sanity.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When you were young, an adolescent, a teenager, or a young, middle-age or mature adult, has anyone ever said your thoughts, beliefs or ideas were “crazy” or “insane?” Have you ever said as much about another’s thoughts, beliefs or ideas?
• Do you ever sacrifice or deny your True and Authentic Self, your values or your principles in order to “fit in,” or to be liked, acknowledged or loved by someone else? Do you ever go along to get along? Do you ever engage in collusion? If so, why?
• Have you experienced “changed waters” in your life at work, at home, at play or in your relationship? What was that like for you?
• Do you find it hard to see your own deficiencies while finding it easy to point out those of others?
• What’s it like living among the “crazy” or “insane” without becoming “crazy” or “insane” yourself?
• How do you deal with peer pressure? With change?
• Do you ever question consensus reality?
• Do you generally go about your days drinking your own water? What’s that like?
• Do you learn from past experiences? How so?
• How do you avoid real or potential upset in your life? How so?
• Do you ever cut yourself off from others? How so? What does that get you?
• How do you deal with risk?
• Did you grow up in a family where the sole spoken or upspoken rule was “to keep the peace?” How does that dynamic play out in your adult life?
• Do you live or work in an environment where being “a bit weird” is OK? If not, how does that affect who you are/how you are?
• How do you deal with criticism?
• Are you consciously aware of your “stuff?”
• Have you ever “gone your own way?” What was/is that like?
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I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Filling the Void

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One of the reasons verbal abuse – be it negative and demeaning criticism, gossip, bullying or other types of verbal assaults – is common in the workplace is that many folks lack the basic conversation skills that enable them to speak to others openly, honestly, self-responsibly and respectfully about what really matters.

Comfortable in your own skin
In contrast, those who are comfortable in their own skin, who are able to listen and understand consciously, who possess effective communication skills, who are able to speak up and speak out respectfully and who can discuss difficult topics with a sense of ease and grace, are generally psycho-emotionally healthier than those who are unwilling or unable to do so.

In the workplace, those individuals who say they have healthy relationships with bosses, direct reports, co-workers, stakeholders and those who serve them experience less stress and fewer physical, emotional and mental ailments.

The reason those with good communication skills have fewer ailments is because they are able to work through issues and conflicts in a healthy way – a way that doesn’t see them resorting to attacking, belittling, demeaning, dismissing, labeling, insulting, ridiculing, or verbally abusing others.

That’s why every organization, team, department, silo, unit or group needs to explore how it encourages and supports the power of dialogue and how individuals interact with one another.

How about you?
For example, are employees allowed, even encouraged, to speak their minds? Are they encouraged to share information widely (as appropriate)? Are all stakeholders asked for their input on important decisions? Do leaders, managers, supervisors and team leaders ask their direct reports, “what do you think?” early and often? Are all permitted, even encouraged, to express their emotions?

In essence, does your institution or organization, department or team empower its members to contribute and engage in healthy conversation and dialogue? Does your organization train for, and consciously value and support, open and honest dialogue?

Filling the void
Where there is no opportunity to speak up, speak out, ask questions, contribute, and engage, there is a void. Where individuals lack the skills to dialogue effectively, there is a void. And, employees, like nature, abhor a vacuum. If a conversational void exists, if your organization or team inhibits open and honest communication, your employees will most assuredly find a way to fill it.

Unfortunately, the method many employees use to fill the void are more often than not self-destructive and self-sabotaging: rumors, gossip, complaining, nit-picking, blaming, bitching, moaning, finger-pointing, and out-and-out lying.

Short and sweet, your organization’s positive energy, health and vitality are entirely dependent on effective communication and dialogue. When your employees engage, with their hearts and minds, openly and honestly, shared meaning is the result. Healthy communication begets healthy relationships and healthy relationships beget a healthy organization.

No wonder psychological safety is a huge issue when discussing workplace violence these days.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you trust others’ opinions?
• Do you hear as well as listen? Do you know the difference?
• Do you feel comfortable expressing your emotions? How so?
• Do you ask others, “What do you think?” on a regular basis?
• Do you make it safe for others to speak their minds? How so?
• Do you create roadblocks to effective communication? If so, why?
• How do you feel when you think you’re not being heard?
• Do your colleagues say you are a good listener? Have you ever asked them?
• Does your labeling or judgment of others suppress dialogue?
• Do you allow ideas to stand on their own merit regardless of who is offering the ideas?
• Do you scrutinize the messenger as well as the message? If so, why?
• Is your conversation style punctuated more by periods or by question marks? Why?
• Do you allow time for dialogue in your workday?
• Do you communicate to others that “you matter?”

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Identity – Who Are You?

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When I discover who I am, I’ll be free” – Ralph Ellison

“Identification” or “identity” is one way we use to define who we are. Either historically, or in the present moment, we come to view ourselves in some way, shape or form that identifies “who I am.” Identity can take the form of an image, an impression, an emotion or feeling, or a body sensation and make it one of the many building blocks that define “me.” Forms of identity that we took on early in life or create in the present moment might include: I am a strong man; I am an optimist; I am an extrovert; I am a spiritual person; I am a happy person; I am a fearful person; I am a worrier;  I am a manager; I am a parent, etc.

When we speak about “identity” what we are saying is that I AM this quality or image, even if I am not consciously aware of this quality or image in the moment, even if I am not speaking this to myself in the moment. It’s a “given.” This quality  or image is part of the fabric of who I take myself to be, i.e., who I am. We believe it is True – with a capital T.

For example, let’s use how we might identify with an emotion, anger. If I am identified with my anger (I am an angry person…quietly angry, usually seething,  or overtly angry, usually very vocal in my anger…as a general way of being), then my response to a person, event or circumstance that I am experiencing says in some way, “I want to be angry,” or “I need to be angry,” or “I can justify my anger,” or “I have a right to be angry,” etc. and then proceed to act out on my anger. I identify with my anger. My anger is who I am.

If I am not identified with my anger, that is, seeing that I do get angry from time to time, but not being identified with my anger, I can witness the same person, event or circumstance and feel or sense my anger and say, “OK, so I feel some anger. It’s here and it’ll subside. I’ll just be with it, observe it in me and allow it to dissipate” without having to “do” anything about it, i.e., act it out, or “get” angry.

Identification means we define ourselves by something. – I AM that something – that image, that emotion, that feeling. Who I believe I am is not separate from that quality or image.

Identification also means that I am invested in that quality. I have a conscious wanting or needing to be that quality or image.

So, one clue as to whether we are identified to a particular quality is look at how we respond to an event in the moment.

When we are identified by a quality, or an image (of who I am), we are taken over by that quality or image when we experience an event. It’s a pull, like an addiction. We live much of our life addicted to having an identity, not wanting to be free of that identity and and are continually creating that identity. I am….(fill in the blank).

As we go through life, we take on, and shed, various identities.

We take on identities related to our work or career, identities related to being a man or woman, identities related to sports, education, spirituality, to our beauty, our nationality, to being a happy child or an abused child, being the black sheep of the family, being the “happy (sad…) one – all identities which we want everyone to know. The deal is that we then believe that if we let go of out identity, we will be no one, we will lose our sense of “who I am” – we become disconnected from our True and Real self.

The point?
When we came into the world we came in without any “identity” so to speak; we were a “tabula rosa,” (and I know there are differing perspectives on this) a clean slate.  In that state, we were free, light, natural, easy, relaxed, simple (in the positive sense). This state, called presence, is still within us, still accessible.  In a state of presence, we need no mental operations to create “who I am,” i.e., we need no identifications.  We just are. I am!

In this state of presence we have no need to “identify.” We have a sense of confidence, groundedness and surety. However, when we let go of this state, when in the throes of stress, conflict, overwhelm, or confusion, we forget who we are and then sense the need to grasp on to an “identity” to make me feel safe.

When we don’t trust our True and Real self, when we stray from the Essence of who we were when we came into this existence, our reactive inclination is to grab on to an image or identity of “who I am” and then shove this identity on to others to show them “I am (this or that)” – a need to be seen as this or that. In this place, we are not be-ing, we are not authentic, and we are not trusting of our Essential nature.

How to disidentify
When we see that we are caught up in an identity, we can begin the process of letting go of it, not by efforting, not by “working” on it, but simply by becoming aware of it, noticing it, seeing it for what it is. As you become aware of the identity, observe it, watch it and witness it, it will begin to dissolve over time. If you are not willing to be free of your identification, then, yes, you are deeply identified. If you are willing to become free of your identification, slowly it will fall away.

Finally, you are not “bad” or “wrong” for having identifications. It’s part of the psycho-emotional developmental process of life. But it’s not part of who we have to be. That’s the choice.

When we are able to disassociate from our identities, then we can be more real, and more authentic in our everyday experiences – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Some questions for self-reflection:

What identifications define you?
Who are you?
What reactions, attitudes, preferences, “stories,” desires and attachments can help you recognize how you are identified?
How do you feel about your identifications?
Do your identifications constrain you in your everyday life experiences? How so?
When do you feel most free of identifications?
Who would you be and how would you feel if you were not (fill in with one of you identifications – an image, an emotion…)?
If you asked your best friend what s/he saw as your identifications, what would s/he say? Would you agree?
Why do you choose your identities? What do they “get” you?
Can you visualize having no identifications? What does that feel like?
How did you come to have the identifications you have?
Without your identities, would you feel (a) more or less secure, (b) more or less free?

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering