One Down* – Two to Go**

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*     – Thanksgiving
**   – Christmas (and other seasonal celebrations) and New Year’s

The holiday season is often difficult to navigate – mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. The frivolity, laughter, glitter and shine often turn to blue. For many, the holiday season is a season of darkness, not light, facing the challenges of resentment, jealousy, quiet or overt anger, sadness, stress, loneliness, and unfulfilled longings – a time to get through, rather than truly enjoy.

Successfully meeting these challenges can be likened to the way white-water rafters approach their task. Beginners watch for the craggy rocks, the problems to avoid, the risks to circumvent, usually ending their runs feeling emotionally and physically drained. Experts focus on the flow line where the currents safely guide them through the roughest areas with a minimum of mental and emotional stress, ending their runs on a high, with energy to spare.

So, I’d like to share some perspectives and strategies to support you to create a nurturing holiday experience resulting in peace in body, mind, and spirit and a heightened sense of well-being.

Body:

Fall and winter are Nature’s time for hibernation -being quiet and lying dormant. The tendency to live frenetically – shopping, partying, and going at ninety miles an hour, is unnatural. The physical stress alone can affect your immune system, resulting in energy depletion, lethargy, and illness. It’s important to take time to relax and reduce stress, to maintain consistent harmony and balance. Some suggestions:

Your body monitors how you’re doing. So, notice levels of tension and/or fatigue. With a cupped hand, lightly tap your arms and neck, and other areas to relieve stress and to increase energy flow and vitality. Is your breathing deep and relaxed, or shallow and quick? Remember always to breathe deeply, especially when facing stressful circumstances.

Nurture yourself. Take time for reflection and being alone. Go to a movie, take a hot, soothing bath, treat yourself to a massage, cuddle up and enjoy your favorite music, take a quiet walk. And, breathe. Release the tether to your electronic devices.

The holiday season is defined by social gatherings and often the focus of such gatherings is food. People often overeat (often emotionally-driven) during the holidays, and then experience guilt. In addition to the usual tips of eating before you go to a social gathering to avoid starving when you get there, and socializing away from the food center of gravity, you might :

Design a conscious eating strategy so you don’t fall prey to unconscious patterns of medicating with food and drink. Savor the tastes, the pleasure of the aromas, flavors, and textures of seasonal treats. Don’t beat yourself up or deny the pleasure. Harmony and balance are the keys. Plan your daily intake of calories, so you have room to indulge and still experience well-being, rather than indulge and feel badly both physically and emotionally. And, breathe.

Stress is a major excuse for eating. Reflect on what’s stressing you and reflect on how you can reduce or eliminate stressors, over and above eating or drinking. And, breathe.

Maintain a consistent exercise regimen to alleviate guilt about overindulging. Your body needs to move to feel well. So put on some music and dance, or shake out tensions and stresses so you don’t become stuck in a holiday funk. And, breathe.

Mind:

During the holidays our internal judge and critic bombard us with how we should act and behave. Listening to this onslaught of “I should” is enough to drive one to Grinch-dom. I must get the right gift. I should go to that party I must eat less. I have to send a card. I need (or don’t) to say what’s on my mind. I need to make this the best holiday ever. I should exercise more. I need to meet someone else’s expectations of me. I should be more joyful, sincere, outgoing, religious, appreciative, generous, peaceful, etc.

In family gatherings; you may feel a need to debate issues, feelings, or past memories. Instead, initiate a truce. Place resentments and grievances on the back burner. You can address them after the holidays with greater thoughtfulness and clarity when extra seasonal stresses won’t affect you.

So, beware of the “shoulds.” Rather than beat yourself up whenever your inner judge tugs on your sleeve, just allow yourself to witness the “should.” Then, breathe deeply a few times and move on. Experiencing guilt indicates you’re allowing your judge to grab you and hold you up to some imagined or impossible holiday ideal. And, breathe.

The focus during the holidays, and all days, is being authentic, allowing your integrity to shine, to be yourself, and not struggle to meet either someone else’s expectations or some ideal you have of yourself that is impossible to meet. This is a good opportunity to practice the Four Ls of well-being: lighten up on yourself, laugh at yourself, love yourself, and leave yourself alone. You can defend against your internal critic and judge by telling it to back off, using whatever silent or oral language works for you.

You may overeat, or over drink, to take care of and nurture yourself, perhaps to find sweetness and comfort from food where you cannot find sweetness elsewhere, perhaps to distract yourself from boring people or events, or to deny what you’re feeling. So, be aware of what’s eating you and reflect on whether food or drink are the only alternatives. And, of course, breathe.

Spirit:

No one consciously wakes up and says: I’m going to be a jerk today. The opposite is normally true – almost everyone is trying to do their best and, in their own mind, operate from positive intention. So, when it’s easy to become stressed and react to what we perceive as others’ rudeness, insensitivity, or stupidity, take nothing personally. Use these opportunities for your spirit to come through, be accepting of others, and look for the noble humanity in others. For example:

When a shopper inadvertently bumps into you or cuts in line;
When a driver cuts you off;
When someone inadvertently says something you take to be critical or demeaning;
When a family member brings up an embarrassing or unpleasant past event in your life;
When a retail/service person doesn’t meet your expectations for quality service;
When someone forgets to thank you for your gift;
When your family doesn’t decorate the house, or prepare food, exactly as you would;
When the priest, minister or rabbi offers a sermon you feel you could have given better;

Be appreciative and grateful for all you have, come from your heart, not your mind, focus on what you love and what truly gives meaning to you, and on what this season means to you – whether its family, community, or religion. Stressful events present opportunities to be bold and brave, allowing your light and joy to shine, no matter what anyone else is doing. Wherever you are, wherever you go, know that you are a blessing! And, breathe!

And if in doing your best to take care of yourself, you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. Speak with a counselor, a coach, or minister. Folks in the helping professions are aware of, and sympathetic to, the pain which people experience at this time. Yes, this too shall pass, but if you find yourself swept up in the blues of your holiday, it will pass more quickly if you seek support.

So, gift yourself and use this time to practice following your own flow line as you navigate the white waters of this holiday season.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you find yourself getting sick during the holidays? (Note: the main cause is a weak immune system. Another major factor is the stress of dealing with our families.)
• What stresses you during the holidays?
• Are you attached to how folks react to the gifts you give them? If so, why?
• Do you tend to overeat or over-do during the holidays? If so, do you ever consider if you overeat or over-engage in too much activity to fill some type of emotional hole?
• Are you really, really happy during the holidays? How can you tell?
• Do you take time for, and care of, yourself during the holidays? If not, why not?
• What are you doing differently this year to reduce stress during the holidays?
• Who’s driving your holiday activities? You, your friends, your family, others? If it’s not you, why not? How do you feel about having others dictate how you spend your holiday time?
• What were the holidays like for you when you were growing up?

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Work, play or misery?

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In the current economy, many say it’s obvious that having a job – any job – is better than having no job at all. But is this really true?

Job or no job?
In 2011, the journal Occupational Environmental Medicine published a study by Dr. Peter Butterworth, a senior research fellow at the Centre for Mental Health Research at the Australian National University. He found that as far as mental health is concerned, some jobs are so demoralizing that they’re worse than having no job at all. I think the findings are as apt today as they were then.

The study followed more than 7,000 Australians over a seven-year period. It found that people who had been unemployed felt calmer, happier, less depressed and less anxious after they had found a job. But not just any job. They only felt better is that job was rewarding and manageable.

In exploring individuals’ mental state, employment status, and (if they had a job) working conditions they either enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy, the survey respondents were asked to what degree they agreed with statements such as “My job is complex and difficult” and “I worry about the future of my job.”

Work and mental health
The research pinpointed four job characteristics linked with mental health: work complexity and demands, job security, compensation, and – crucially – control over one’s job (the freedom to decide how best to do it).

Recently-unemployed people who rated their job positive in these areas reported substantial improvements in their mental health. However, those newly employed who felt overwhelmed, insecure about their job stability, underpaid, and micromanaged reported sharp declines in their mental health, including increased depression and anxiety. Interestingly, those who couldn’t find a job fared better.

So the conventional wisdom that “any job offers psychological benefits for individuals over the demoralizing effects of unemployment” – or any work is better than no work at all – is just not true.

What’s more, Dr. Butterworth also suggests that certain jobs and job environments (notably call centers) are more likely to adversely affect one’ mental health.

Bosses and mental health
Finally, the study suggests something that most of us know all too well. Namely, that managers have a direct impact on employees’ mental health and physical, psycho-emotional well-being. “Bad bosses will make anybody unhappy (and) stress comes from bad managers.”

And this brings me to a second, related point.

Work to live or live to work?
Marshall Goldsmith, the world-renowned executive coach, explored (https://marshallgoldsmith.com/articles/a-journey-into-self-discovery/) “why folks work.” He asked, “Do you work to live or live to work” (given the notion that most folks spend at least one-third to one-half of their waking hours at work)?

In this vein, Mr. Goldsmith asked a number of leaders how they viewed their work. They had three choices; they estimated the percentage of work that fell into three categories (and you might want to give this a try yourself):

Play, work and misery
Play – work is fun; would do this regardless of whether or not you were paid to do it; it provides an outlet for creative energy or self-development and self-actualization.
Work – not play, not fun but work which you would do if you were reasonably compensated for it and work towards which you are committed.
Misery – not fun and no amount of money could make it fun; often tasks or activities you would attempt to avoid.

Here’s what Goldsmith found.
15 percent of what professionals do is considered play;
75 percent of what professionals do is considered work;
10 percent of what professionals do is considered misery.

So if our mental health can be put at risk depending on how we spend our time at work, what should we do about it? Generally, when you explore your life at work (and you might also consider at home, at play and in relationship), consider those activities that bring you fun (real fun, not faux, a “make-believe-this-is-fun” appearance of fun) and those that bring you some flavor of misery.

How you interact with your world
To do so, first clarify your natural tendencies related to how you interact with your world, so you can make better life and work choices and decisions.

Second, reflect on whether you are a good fit for what you choose to do in your life – both at work and at home. Do you ever make choices that really don’t fit you very well because you feel that you have to make them – and then resign yourself to living a life of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation? If so, why?

Third, do you know yourself very well – over and above your “packaging” and “trappings?” Do you understand your personality, your motivation, your triggers and the values that underpin your choices, actions and behaviors?

Often, “fun,” “work” and “misery” are functions of one’s personality or inherent traits. And being a square peg in a round hole is a recipe for misery, not fun – anywhere. Moreover, often the “square peg” is not ready, willing or able to adapt in order to make work more fun and less miserable.

So, does your life at work (and, yes, even at home, at play and in relationship) really, really fit your personality and style? Does your life at work (and at home) tend towards the “misery” side of the equation more than it does the “fun” or even “work” side? (“Work” in the context of a relationship meaning is it worth the effort to be in a relationship.) Every (worthwhile and healthy) relationship demands “work” – you work it; it works you.

Your mental health and well-being depend on how honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly you explore these questions and discern how much of your life is fun, honest “work”, and how much is just misery.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What proportion of your work would you define as “fun,” “work” or “misery?” Are you OK with this? How so?
• What proportion of your relationship would you define as “fun,” “work” (in the sense that it “works” you and you “work” it to keep it conscious and healthy) and “misery?” Are you OK with this? How so?
• If you’re uncomfortable with any of the above, what steps can you take to move in a direction that would make you more comfortable?
• How much freedom do you have on your job? How about in your relationship (really, do you ever wish you had more freedom)?
• Is your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or psychological health and well-being suffering due to your job or your relationship?
• Are you worried about your job? About your relationship? How so?

—————————————————–
(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Transparency — Easier Said Than Done

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What is transparency?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines transparent as: free from pretense or deceit; easily seen through; readily understood; characterized by visibility or accessibility of information, especially concerning business practices.

Google results show 4,410,000,000 results for “What is transparency?”. Transparency in the workplace – 104,000,000; transparency in relationships – 278,000,000.Transparency is a popular topic and so is the topic of this food-for-thought, why transparency is so challenging – 2,990,000,000  results. Here’s my take.

Transparency is a quality built on truth-telling, openness, honest and sincerity. The foundation or essence of truth-telling is being comfortable in one’s own skin. Transparency is the “secret sauce” of trust. Conscious, healthy relationships – at work, at home, and at play –  thrive on trust, integrity and transparency.

Being transparent in the way we speak, act and think allows others to see us as being congruent, harmonious, and in alignment with who we say we are. This congruency and alignment lead to win-win, trusting and psycho-emotionally healthy relationships.

The reverse is also true. Lacking transparency, others relate to us from an arm’s length, view us suspiciously, vigilantly look over their shoulder at us, and feel unsafe around us. When we’re not transparent we’re judged as lacking credibility, reliability, dependability and trustworthiness. Being transparent – it seems simple, but, for many, not easy.

The challenging question is: if transparency is a behavior in high demand, why are so many unable or unwilling to behave transparently – at work, at home, at play, in love relationships, friendships and acquaintanceships?

Having transparency and losing it
Very early on in life, most children are truly transparent. We share our thoughts; we engage in lively, free expression; we openly and honestly disclose how we feel. We trust and are trusting. But not long after, we are often met with resistance, first, from our parents or immediate care givers, then from extended family, teachers, clergy, friends, etc. The push-back we experience is often expressed as: 

“You think you’re so smart!” (with a negative edge)
“Little boys/girls should be seen and not heard!” (you’re an irritant)
“That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!” (you’re stupid)
“What do you know!” (with a negative dismissal)
“Who told you that?!” (skepticism; disbelief)
“Don’t say/do such a thing” (how can you say/do such a thing!)
“I don’t believe you.” (you’re lying)
“You better not talk like that!” (what you have to say is unacceptable or inappropriate)
“That’s not true.” (you are lacking or deficient)
“You don’t make any sense!” (you’re stupid)
“You don’t think straight!” (you’re unintelligent)
“What makes you think that way!” (your approach/ideas are weird)
“You don’t have half a brain!” (you’re stupid)
“For someone so smart, you’re really stupid!” (you lack intelligence)
“You’ll only cause trouble.” (you’re not mainstream; you’re not ‘like me’)

When we have been hammered and attacked again and again, we begin to believe that what we say, think, feel and do is not “good enough,” or we are “bad” or wrong.” We begin to shut down or otherwise hide our essence, our openness, our vulnerability, i.e.,  “being who we are.”

Loss of self-value and worth
The belief – “transparency is not a good thing;” “transparency is bad;” “I’m bad” – becomes an imprint, hard-wired on our brain, in our unconscious, and we then carry this belief into adolescence and eventually into adulthood. This belief is translated into, “What I think, say, do and feel doesn’t have value or worth.” and we believe “I don’t have value or worth.” And, “If I don’t have value or worth, then I better change the way I am in order to have value and worth.” in order to garner the love, recognition, acknowledgement, approval, acceptance and all the other “goodies” that will only come to me if I contract, shut down and become opaque – anything but transparent.

We create a self-image, an identity, that I am not credible, I’m not smart, or intelligent. And in order to be heard, seen, and “met,” we give up our voice; we believe we have to hide our truth, our intelligence, ideas, emotions and feelings, and squash our True, Real and Authentic Self. We defer, become quiet and passive. We learn to lie, deceive, cheat and blame – to avoid being transparent. We morph into “good little boys and girls” – quiet, afraid, passive and fake.

In the workplace
In the workplace, where transparency is a hot topic, it’s important to remember that we bring our “family” to work – our biography and our biology. In interactions at work (as well as at home, play, and in relationships) we can feel like a child – when interacting with others who unconsciously remind us of the reactive, judgmental, critical parent or other authority figure who criticized us when being transparent as a child.

So, we hold back, defer, shut down, resist disclosing and become opaque so we can feel seen, heard and accepted. Transparency becomes a scary proposition. For example, we’re reluctant to discuss our motives and feelings about our plans, policies, processes, procedures with colleagues or clients. We’re reluctant to be up-front with customers, vendors, suppliers and other stakeholders. We’re afraid to disclose how and what we really think and feel, and why. We’re opaque.

The antidote to opaqueness?
Clarity and light.

As we become more self-aware – emotionally, psychologically and spiritually mature – we’re able to show up authentically, allow our voice, our wisdom, our thoughts, our motives and be who we really are – our True, Real and authentic Self.

When, with clarity about who we really are – our Essential Self – being transparent, and allowing our voice, feelings, emotions, honesty and openness, we access our authentic self, feel alive and, once again feel secure in our own skins; we’re not afraid to cultivate relationships that are transparent healthy, conscious, and trusting – leading to real connection, collegiality and collaboration. From this inner place, we access the courage, strength, will and steadfastness to speak “our truth” and not be concerned or caught up in what others think or believe about us.

Transparency supports us to know and be who we are. If we’re not open and transparent to others, we cannot be open and transparent to ourselves. If we’re not aware, open and transparent to ourselves, we cannot mature and become fully self-actualized.

“You are the lens in the beam. You can only receive, give, and possess the light as the lens does. If you seek yourself, you rob the lens of its transparency. You will know life and be acknowledged by it according to your degree of transparency, your capacity, that is, to vanish as an end, and remain purely as a means.”  – Dag Hammarskjold

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are most folks clear about the motives underneath your thoughts, words and actions. Are you?
• Would you describe leaders and managers in your workplace as transparent? Why/why not?
• Would you describe yourself and your spouse/partner as transparent?
• Do you demand transparency from others while being opaque yourself? Are you trustworthy? Transparent? What would your friends and colleagues say?
• Does the standard of transparency by which you measure yourself differ from the standard of transparency by which you measure others? How so?
• What stories do you use to rationalize and justify your lack of transparency?
• Can you admit when you don’t know what or how, or don’t have an answer, or feel afraid or uncomfortable?
• What was transparency like when you were growing up?
• Have you ever been “found out” in some way, shape or form? What was that like?
• Can you envision a life where transparency is an everyday operating principle?

—————————————————–
(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

You, Me and Venn – Exploring The Truth of Your Relationship

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else.”  Samuel Rogers 

First, let’s introduce Venn, actually, the Venn Diagram. In its simplest form a Venn Diagram shows two overlapping circles which illustrate similarities, differences, and relationships between groups (here, we’ll use a couple you and your partner/spouse). Statements of partners’ preferences are represented in each circle, the part where they don’t intersect or overlap.

Similarities and differences in both partners’ preferences are then represented in the space where the two circles overlap.  

If you’re experiencing a disconnect or discomfort in your relationship – at work, at home or at play – using this Venn Diagram exercise can support you to explore what’s “underneath” your discomfort and discover the truth of your relationship dis-harmony or imbalance. 

Here’s how this exercise works.

Use relatively large circles; I suggest using flip-chart or poster board size paper. 

In one of the circles, where it does not overlap the other, write your name (Partner A). In the other circle where it does not overlap, Partner B’s name. Agree on categories related to your life which you’ll explore (I’ll suggest a few, below). Caution: do not collude with one another to choose categories that are “safe.” If a possible category makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a sure sign it’s worth exploring. You both must choose and agree upon the same categories.

Before each category title, write “my.”  Here are some suggested categories: (my) life visions, life goals, interests/hobbies, choices about how I like to spend time, values, preferred ways to express emotions and feelings, beliefs about relationship, beliefs about family, beliefs about career, beliefs about intimacy, ways of relating to money, beliefs about trust, beliefs about independence/space, beliefs about health, beliefs about spirituality, wishes for my partner, ways to deal with stress, beliefs about children, ways of dealing with conflict, beliefs about using alcohol and drugs, beliefs about household chores, beliefs about fun, or control, etc.

(Note: if you’re exploring a workplace relationship with a colleague, boss, direct report and the like, categories might be: (my) views about work, beliefs about bosses, beliefs about leading/managing, beliefs about employees, workplace values, etc.)

Then, in the space where the two circles overlap, write down the same categories and instead of using “my,” use “our.” So, in this space you might have: our life visions, our life goals, our values, our beliefs about intimacy, our beliefs about household chores, etc. 

Now you’re ready to begin exploring individual aspects of your relationship to see what you discover about compatibility or incompatibility. 

Working alone or together write your categories in your “circle” (allowing lots of room underneath each to itemize your preferred ways of be-ing and do-ing).  So, for example, if one category is “my ways of relating to money,” list the ways: e.g.,  fearful I’ll never have enough; spend as much as I make; money grows on trees; don’t like saving money; I love shopping; don’t feel I’m responsible with my money, etc. Got it? Each Partner lists the ways they relate to money, under the category title. Then, on to the next category. Continue until you’ve covered all the categories. This may take some time: a few hours, or on and off for a few days. Allow lots of time. This is serious stuff. Remember to list all the categories in the area where the circles overlap, beginning each category with “our,” instead of “my.”

The next step. One partner chooses a category and one by one reads their list to the other. If the other partner has a similarly-worded item (doesn’t have to be word for word but the notion, concept, idea or behavior has to be close in meaning or action), place a plus (+) sign under that category (the “our” category” ) in the area where the two circles overlap. No need to repeat the item just a “plus” (+) sign to indicate a match or compatibility. When an item does not match your partner, place a “minus” (-) sign under that category. Plus signs might be blue. Minus signs might be red ..or whatever differentiating color suits you.

Alternate the process. As Partner A reads one of their entries, Partner B looks for a match. If there’s a match, place a colored plus sign in the overlapping space; if not place a colored minus sign. Then Partner B reads an entry; Partner A looks for a match, followed with a plus or minus sign under that category in the intersecting space. So, if Partner A, under the category “Life Visions” has “live in a large house in the country” and Partner B has “own a condo in the city,” place a “minus sign” under the category, ” our life visions,” in the space where the circles overlap. Do this for every item in every category.

Also, for every “my” item that has a match, highlight that item with a color; for every “my” item that has no match, highlight it in the other color. 

“The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation.” – Andrew Schneider 

It’s important – actually, crucial – that during this exercise Partners do not judge, blame, nit-pick, justify, nag the other or otherwise “defend” their belief, behavior or item. It is what it is. You match or you don’t. Breathe, relax, and be present to yourself. Be open and curious, not judgmental.

Now, what?

When you’ve completed the exercise, three things will stand out:

1. the number of colored plus signs indicating agreement or compatibility

2. the number of colored minus signs indicating differences or incompatibility, and

3. the number of blue and red, for example, highlighted items in your “my” categories indicating, specifically, where you match and where you don’t.

Now, stand back and look at your collective sheets for ten to fifteen seconds. Then, IMMEDIATELY, close your eyes and sense into your body notice what physiological sensations, feelings and emotions you’re experiencing. Notice your breathing, your heart-rate, posture, neck and shoulder area, face and eyes, and overall how your body feels. Here is where the truth of your relationship lies. In this sensing experience (NOT in your attempt to justify your self with logical, defensive, attacking or judgmental “mental activity”), you will begin to discover the truth of your relationship. The truth is in your body and here lies the source for your discussion and exploration (see below).

Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us. – Eknath Easwaran

One major reason relationships fail – basically, where partners are not on the same page – is the disconnects between the two partners. These disconnects can be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or psychological. 

Another reason for failed relationships is the partners have been unable or unwilling to move from an “I vs. you” relationship to a “we” relationship.  

If you conduct this experience honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly, you’ll both have a clear idea if you are growing together or growing apart, if your relationship is aligned or “two ships passing in the night,” if you’re involved in a win-win, loving, caring and committed relationship or a “me-first,” selfish relationship, or simply roommates masquerading as a couple.

This discovery process will tell you where relationship lies on your list of priorities and whether or not your actions reflect that priority, and whether you are making healthy and conscious, or unhealthy and unconscious, relationship choices and decisions. Are you open to compromise? What non-negotiable issues exist, and why? Are you mutually supportive or overtly or silently antagonistic toward your partner? 

The exercise and resulting discussion should indicate in which direction your relationship is moving. Are you moving forward with your eyes wide open, or sideways with your eyes wide shut?

Finally, and most importantly, this exercise is not about one or the other being “bad” or “wrong.” It’s about truth-telling and uncovering what’s underneath disagreements and disconnects – not in order to change one’s self or the other, but to look for ways to bring greater compatibility, connection and harmony into your relationship. “We-oriented” folks can do that. “I vs. you” folks cannot, or will not (the place to ask “why not?”) and work towards a deeper exploration (which, by the way, is probably better done in the presence of a qualified, professional, objective, non-judgmental third party such as a coach or counselor).

Truth is the foundation of trust. And trust garners respect and, ultimately, love. True, real connection and intimacy are a function of truth. If you’re interested in commitment, connection and consciousness, the journey is well worth the effort. The question is whether or not you’re willing to explore the truth about your relationship.

Some questions for self-reflection:

Do you and your partner sit down and openly and honestly explore questions like: “So how are we doing?” or “What was it like being in partnership with me this past week?” on a regular basis? If not, how do you feel about even the thought of doing this exercise?  How so?

Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to life’s issues and challenges? How do you know? 

Does your relationship look and feel harmonious and balanced or does it tack in one partner’s direction? 

Based on your experience with the exercise where do you feel you are vis-a-vis compatibility/incompatibility, say, on a scale of 1-10? 

What do you now see about yourself that maybe you didn’t see before and how do you feel about that?
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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
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