Agreements, Integrity and Trust

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Healthy and conscious relationships are open, honest, safe and trustworthy, where people are acting and be-ing in integrity. One of the major foundation blocks of open, safe and trusting relationships is that of keeping agreements.

The foundation of healthy relationships begins to atrophy and crumble when one feels betrayed. One feels betrayed when another fails to commit to or keep agreements.

What is an agreement?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines agreement as: when people approve of or accept something; a decision or arrangement between two or more groups or people.

The purpose of an agreement is to engender harmony so that two or more folks can engage in an interaction without any subterfuge, hidden agenda, duplicity or lack of transparency. An agreement is effective only insofar as it comes from a deeper, internal place of motivation. Seems simple enough.

Dis-agreements

 Yet, our life at work, at home, at play and/or in relationship often seems rife with dis-agreements, betrayals, dishonesty, being out of integrity, and disharmony. Why?

The underlying cause of one’s not living up to one’s agreements is that often one enters into an agreement knowing that one’s true desire for, and commitment to, an agreement is halfhearted.

Often people enter agreements because (1) they are afraid of what will happen to them if they don’t enter the agreement; (2) they want to feel safe in some way – mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially, financially, etc.; (3) they are “giving to get,” that is, agreeing, in order to achieve some personal, self-centered goal; or (4) they want to avoid the discomfort of disagreement or conflict so they agree to “go along to get along.” Such agreements never come from the “right place” – the place of integrity, trust and authenticity.    

Whenever the excuse for entering an agreement comes from a place of duplicity, follow-through with consistency, taking the high road, and being in integrity never happens. 

Agreements, in and of themselves, never lead to safety, trust and harmony. Acting on agreements, consistently, is what leads to safety, trust and dependability. Effective agreements are always built on a clear purpose that leads to action.

When agreements work

For agreements to work, that is, for agreements to generate safety, trust, harmony and dependability, one needs to reflect, deeply, consciously and from one’s heart, and inquire: “Why am I agreeing to this?” “Really, really, really, why?” “What is the true and real purpose underlying this agreement?” Without a deep sense of clarity, most agreements self-destruct sooner rather than later. The fallout and collateral damage from failed agreements can be quite extensive – mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, financially, and psychologically.

Once an agreement is broken, the first thing to erode is trust, followed by feelings or emotions around betrayal, fear, resentment, blame, guilt, and shame – apologies and “making up for the broken agreement,” notwithstanding. The level of trust can almost never be regained to the degree that it existed when the agreement was made. Without trust, there is no honest, safe, authentic and healthy relationship. Just toxicity, and a low-level-fever-grade type of agitation, fear, vigilance, unspoken, but felt, sense of guilt or shame, and a continual watching of one’s back. 

When you create agreements that reflect integrity, authenticity, heart-felt purpose and accountability for one’s actions, you are creating an environment/culture that exudes safety, trust, harmony and well-being. Performance and conscious, healthy relationships grow and thrive in such environments.  

 Some questions for self-reflection:

• How would you characterize your relationships at work, at home and at play? Healthy, authentic, in integrity, trusting, duplicitous, fake, phony…?
• Do you honor and keep your agreements, consistently? What would your boss, colleagues, direct reports, clients, friends, spouse/partner say?
• Do you find yourself apologizing regularly for not keeping your agreements? How so?  Why?
• Do you apologize when you break agreements?
• Do you create agreements with a win-win, or win(me)-lose(other) motive?
• Do you generally blame others when agreements break down? How so?
• What is the level of trust in your relationships? If low, how can you increase the level of trust?
• Have you ever been betrayed as a child? Do you enter agreements with a feeling that you’ll be betrayed at some point? Is trusting others a challenge for you? Why?
• Is intimacy a common issue in your relationships? How so?
• Are your relationships characterized by communication and openness? If not, why not?
• All of your failed relationships have one common denominator – you. Have you ever reflected on that notion? 
• How much do you trust people?
• Do you believe that work is largely “political?” If so, why?
• Are you continually vigilant of who are your allies, opponents, adversaries, and “friends” at work? Why?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Living in the Gutter – Why Change is Challenging

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” – Henry David Thoreau

Daily we’re bombarded with new books, videos, podcasts, conferences, news, and research about why folks behave irrationally – even when they “know” their behavior isn’t rational. We learn why affirmations, acting “as if,” “faking it til you make it” and other strategies and tactics often don’t lead to sustainable change, and why change is so difficult even when the brain is supposed to be so “plastic,” etc. Why is true and lasting change and transformation so challenging? Here’s one perspective. See how it works for you.

The Gutter
Visualize the “gutter,” the ball return “groove,” on either the side of a bowling alley lane. Assume that at one time this “gutter” was perfectly flat. Visualize that, with guide barriers keeping the bowling ball moving in a straight line along the gutter surface, the ball consistently moves from the far end of the alley to the near end where it returns to a ball-holding area.

Over seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years, the ball begins to carve out its own pathway, and at some point no longer needs any guides to control its movement/direction. The ball now follows it’s own self-created pathway – day in and day out, night in and night out, over and over, with never a change in direction. The ball seemingly has a mind of its own. A sort of programming.

Who Carves Your Groove?
Think of the initial guide barriers on either side of the “groove” as representing your parents or primary caregivers, your siblings, relatives, playmates, teachers, clergy, etc. – i.e., those who “guided” you from infancy to about the five, six, seven…

And think of that “groove” as the neurological pathways, neurons, and synapses in your brain – each representing an “habitual way” of doing, be-ing, having and thinking (i.e., thoughts, beliefs, actions, assumptions, premises, expectations, “stories,” feelings, emotions and worldviews that created your orientation to, and perceptions of, your world).

Even with all the neurobiological and brain science research touting “brain plasticity,” and popular “wisdom” annotating how irrational we are in spite of our protestations to the contrary, etc. we can begin to have a glimpse of why many folks cannot or will not change.

“All appears to change when we change.” – Henri-Frederic Amiel

Re-Smoothing the Groove
In order for true, real and lasting change to occur, one of two things has to happen: (1) we have to “sand-paper” down the original grooves and/or (2) create new grooves representing new ways of do-ing, be-ing, having and thinking. Either way, both of these tasks require concerted time and effort, self-discipline, heightened self-awareness, and, more, they require commitment. And here is why “recidivism” of a sort haunts most folks who want change.

Clinging to Old Ways
What prevents most folks from carving out new grooves is that they’re wired to hang on to their original groves. They are “clinging.”

Most folks live in a “closed system” – a loyalty to our own internal reality – resistant to change. We become in the present what we became in the past., i.e., we “futurize our past.” In Buddhist terms, we are attached to this inner reality, constantly reconditioning to itself. The brain also continually generates this closed internal representation of our outer world, seeing and relating to it the same way, over and over again, even if, IN REALITY, the outer world is changing. We are stuck in our “grooves.” We become caught in an emotional and psychological attachment – to survive – to stay, i.e., be, the same in order to feel safe ands secure.  

As adults, our orientation to our world is largely how we were as infants, then children, then as adolescents, as young adults…. As adults, we are our earliest “grooves.”  Again, we “futurize our past.”

Be a Work in Progress
The good news is that this “stability” helped us survive and make sense of our world as infants and children. The not-so-good news is that this “stability” locks us into seeing and reacting to our present world and experiences in similar ways over time, i.e, we are hardwired to be resistant to change.

The key to true and lasting change, from the perspective of some psychotherapists, and from a Buddhist perspective, is to open the closed system in such a way that we do not view our self as a calcified, reified structure but rather as a “process” – often why many folks who do deep personal work say they are “works in progress.” They no longer identify as “I am this” or “I am that” but see themselves simply as “being” (resulting from the process of sandpapering down the old grooves, and loosening the hard, rigid identification (guard rails) with one’s self, i.e., “who I think I am” or “who I take myself to be.”) and creating new grooves.

Change Cannot Be Cognitive Alone
An important point here is that such change most often cannot be done through the mind, i.e., “cognitive” efforts, alone. True change needs to be processed through a conscious mind-body-spirit process – one reason why “positive thinking”-type efforts seldom produce true, lasting and sustainable change and transformation. The mind alone cannot “open” it’s own closed system.

Think of the moment you wake up. That split moment. When perhaps you hear the birds communing, or notice the sky, or hear the rain, or really smell the coffee – that split moment before “thinking” kicks in. That’s the place where true change and transformation takes place. That’s the place where we are an “open system.” Here, we are not conditioned by past experiences. We are completely present to our experience, right here and right now. No brain/mind to interrupt, to interpret, to link our present moment to past experience. Once “thinking “begins, almost all (change) bets are off.

As soon as we allow this moment to become influenced by memory, conditioning, and past experience, we slide right into the old “grooves” and are taken over by past perceptions, judgments, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, emotions, etc. – back to the old ways of “I am this” and “I am that.” We futurize our past. Our history, memory and experience take over. Our present is experienced through our past. We are clinging.

As soon as we begin “thinking,” then all the old feeling and emotional patterns related to our thoughts also arise. The clinging process is mental, cellular, neuronal, emotional, psychological and physiological as all our old patterns, urges, needs and desires arise, often unconsciously – just as the ball habitually returns to its starting place. Clinging that reinforces our closed-system inner reality, our old, habitual self.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

Clinging is the basis of resistance to change. Clinging is a survival strategy that emanates from deep, deep down in our core. In every “new” situation, we keep “re-birthing” our old, fixed self and in the process our familiar, protective ways of defending our old, familiar, resistant self also arise. This process is our “way of life.”

Presence
A process that leads one to a conscious, deeper awareness of these dynamics, a process that supports one to move into presence (where identity with “grooves’ is non-existent), where there is no need to defend, where there is no attachment to “I am this” or “I am that,” is one possible way to experience true and real shift and change. The “mind” alone cannot foster such change and that’s one reason we read of so many examples of “irrationality.”

The challenge is to choose to move away from “things mental and rational” into “things spiritual” (not religious or theological, but spiritual) where we shift from identification and the need to perpetuate our conditioned or habitual self, but towards an alignment or connection to our self as we are in that moment when we wake up, in that present-time experience, before “I”/”me” kicks in.

True and lasting change is an eminent possibility. But it takes time, consciousness, striving, honesty, steadfastness, courage, strength, will and lots of love and compassion for one’s self – qualities that for many in our culture seem to be in short supply.

We can smooth out our old grooves, the “gutter” of our past, the “irrationality,” and create new grooves – but just not by 9:00 tomorrow morning – a sad realization for many enmeshed in our microwave-oriented, Twitter- Tik-Tok-connected, 15-second sound-bite, seeking-immediate-gratification culture.

“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” – James Gordon, M.D.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• On a scale of 1-10, what number describes your general feeling of impatience?
• Do you ever reflect on how you came to be who you are, what you think or why you act the way you do? If so, what do you see about yourself? If not, are you curious as to why not?
• Do you feel enslaved by your electronic life? Is this by choice?
• What “old grooves” would you like to sand down and eliminate? What new groove would you like to create? Are there obstacles that prevent you from doing either, or both? How so?
• Do you ever behave “irrationally” – do-ing or be-ing in ways you know you shouldn’t? If so, why? What does acting “irrationally” get you?
• What of your past do you cling on to? How so?
• Can you envision a world where you feel free in (most) every moment, where you can let go of notions of how you “should” be and dis-identify with “I am this” or “I am that?,” where you’re not a fixed entity but a process?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

No Mud, No Lotus

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Over the years, I’ve become a devout believer in the notion of necessary suffering – that you cannot heal, grow or become -conscious,” and deeply self-aware, without suffering.

Thich Nhat Hahn, Buddhist monk and author, puts it this way:

“It’s like growing lotus flowers. You cannot grow lotus flowers on marble. You have to grow them on the mud. Without mud, you cannot have a lotus flower. Without suffering, you have no ways in order to learn how to be understanding and compassionate. That’s why my definition of the kingdom of God is not a place where suffering is not, where there is no suffering…”

For me, it’s not a question of whether you believe in God (Source, or whatever you call a Higher Power), nor is it about religion or theology. It is about how one transforms to a higher state of self-awareness and consciousness (one’s True, Authentic Self) so that one can walk the planet on a daily basis from a place of equilibrium, inner peace and equanimity.

The Buddha says:

“As a blue or white lotus is born in the water,
grows up and is unpolluted by the water,
so too has the perfected one grown up in the world,
has risen above the world
and stands unpolluted by it.” – samyutta nikaya 22.94

The science of it all
The reason the Lotus flower is not polluted is due to its leaves. The leaves represent what is known as the “Lotus effect” – the leaves are so structured that water beads up and off the leaves, keeping the flower from being polluted. In fact, the leaves clean the lotus of real or potential pollution.

The science, according to Wikipedia, is:  …”due to their high surface tension water droplets tend to minimize their surface trying to achieve a spherical shape. On contact with a surface, adhesion forces result in wetting of the surface: either complete or incomplete wetting may occur depending on the structure of the surface and the fluid tension of the droplet.” The cause of self-cleaning properties is the hydrophobic water-repellent double structure of the surface.
 
The nature of pollution
So, consider your life – at work, at home, ay play and in relationship. Are you confronted by “suffering” in some way, shape or form daily? Better, how are you confronted by suffering on a daily basis? Most of us are. How is it that we can manage to NOT be immersed by the polluted waters – literally and figuratively – of the context of our past and immediate environments? 

The fact is, each one of us grows up immersed in the “mud” – an environment characterized by wounding – abuse, criticism, judgments, abandonment, rejection and the like – an environment in which every family operates, into which every human being is born. It’s the human experience. The degree of suffering may differ; but the muddy environment is there. The mud also represents painful childhood memories. Later on in life, the mud represents our immediate, real-world, real-time  “suffering” – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically – that arises in the form of our life challenges – health, finances, social and living conditions, career, relationships, social life, etc.

When we get in touch with our own suffering, head-on – recognizing it, being open to it, chewing on it, digesting it, understanding the purpose of it, metabolizing it, rather than denying and avoiding it, we grow, we become more conscious, self-aware. When this happens, suffering is still there, but the “charge” or pull it used to have becomes less and less,as we understand the reasons for the suffering, how it leads to our growth, our self-understanding and our healing. It’s the idea that you can have pain, but you don’t have to suffer.

The antidote to pollution
The growth of the Lotus, our individual Lotus, represents transformation – moving from suffering towards happiness, love, peace, and stillness in our life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

When we do the “work” to transform, we gain clarity, insights, AHA moments all of which point to the “purpose” of our suffering, our wounding, and our challenges. In the process of understanding, something shifts. Your attitudes, your responses, your perspective. Where your focus is more on your Lotus, less on the mud.

Understanding our own suffering, we can also begin to understand others’ as well – the place from which love and compassion grow. Many of us resist getting in touch with our suffering. But, when we do get in touch, we actually suffer less. We become the Lotus.

That’s the nature of the Lotus. That’s the nature of the mud.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you ever feel like a victim? If so, why? How does that show up in your life?
• Has your suffering taught you anything/lessons? How so? What have you seen/learned?
• What would it be like if you viewed your suffering as happening FOR you and not TO you?
• Do you feel you are in control of your life? If not, why not?
• Do you believe that change begins with you?
• Do you tend to move away from your discomfort? If so, what might it be like to embrace it? How do you feel when you consider this option?
• To what degree (1-10), on a daily basis, do you identify with the mud, with the Lotus?
• How did you experience suffering as a child? Do you still carry scars of that suffering with you now? How so?

P.S. If you’re someone with a tendency to want/need to fix, save or otherwise rescue others from their suffering, the story of the butterfly and the cocoon is worth reading. You can find one of many versions here.


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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Relationship Networking – on Another Level

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“Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake. Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize the infinite extent of our relations.” Henry David Thoreau

In the heaven of Hindu and Buddhist tradition, there lies a vast silken web whose strands span infinitely across space in every direction. At each intersection, there’s a shining luminous jewel and each one completely reflects every other jewel. The jewels are said to represent the souls of all animate life. For many, Indra’s Net represents the interconnectedness of all souls. The idea is: since each jewel reflects all others, we both affect, and are affected by, others. 

Consider:

How do you feel when you’re treated abruptly and disrespectfully by someone – a colleague, a boss, a sales- or wait-person, a client or vendor, a physician, a relative, partner or spouse? Moreover, if you’re feeling unhappy or angry, how likely are you to allow your negative emotions to leak out and spill over into your next interaction, and the next, and the next? And, if others react negatively to your negativity, how do you suppose they’ll react in their next interaction? And, if the opposite were true in terms of your feeling “seen,” acknowledged and appreciated by another, would that positivity affect your next interaction, and the next, etc.? Get the picture? 

The Butterfly Effect – The idea is that if a butterfly chances to flap its wings in Beijing in March, then, by August, hurricane patterns in the Atlantic will be completely different – (this concept is initially attributed to meteorologist Edward Lorenz). Interconnectivity, networking, on a global level.

So, moving from the heavens to “down here,” at ground level, the practical implication of Indra’s Net would have us be curious about how we choose to relate to the various “jewels” we come across in our daily life at work, at home, at play and in relationship. 

Caught up in a life where many are moving at 90 miles an hour (think “ant colony”) – mentally, physically, on- and off-line, etc., how often do we consciously or unconsciously ignore those other jewels with whom we come into contact? We DO have some effect on everyone with whom we come into contact whether we/they are aware of it or not, whether we choose to or not. 

Living a life, rather than a lifestyle, or living “in” one’s self (conscious self-awareness), rather than living “next to” one’s self (i.e., robotically, disengaged), means being aware of “who we are” and “how we are” in every moment, understanding and appreciating the significance of the web of interconnectivity, our interconnectivity. 

Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him. – Virginia Satir 

Consider:

With how many people do you interact (face-to-face, electronically, etc.) every day? And how many of these folks are actually “visible” to you as you interact? That is, how many of these folks do you really see as having any real-ness or personal-ness? Do you tend to overlook or dismiss them as “ordinary” because you view them as “roles,” or tasks, or transactions, or insignificant or simply as a means to an end – e.g., direct reports, assistants, secretaries, clerks, taxi/bus drivers, street sweepers, shopkeepers, and the like? 

Indra’s Net reminds us that we can make the invisible, visible. That the jewels that connect one strand to another and reflect one another are just that – jewels to be seen, acknowledged, appreciated and valued.  
 
“I wish Pooh were here. It’s so much more friendly with two.”  Piglet (A.A. Milne)

Seeing the diamond through the dust

What our planet seems to be crying out for are conscious, healthy interactions and relationships between and among folks – folks we know and folks we don’t. The easiest way to begin to remove the dust and see the jewels is simply by recognizing another as, well, another human being, someone who in their own right is a jewel at the crossroads of other strands, reflecting other jewels. 

How I choose to react or respond to another will affect how that other responds or reacts to others. My glance, my words and my actions (verbal and non-verbal) can have a positive or negative effect on that other, and their glance, words and actions will affect others – the web is infinite and real. We will make a difference – a good difference or a not-so-good difference. But, in all likelihood, we will make a difference that ripples out to others as a ripple moves across a pond.

The idea is not to create an ego-driven difference, but a soul difference – making an invisible person, visible, seeing the diamond through the dust with a loving or mindful glance, word, or kindness, as opposed to an unconscious, dismissive or robotic “I hardly notice you” role-playing-type reactivity. Just a quarter-carat energetic response is all it takes. It’s mutually energizing on a soul level. 

Every diamond is unique

“It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others.” – Sydney J. Harris 

Every jewel in the Net possesses a uniqueness. When our “eyepiece” is jiggled or jostled by the speed of life, or a bruised psyche, we cannot see clearly and are more apt to dismiss, reject or judge another diamond as a simple, worthless stone. Here, we need to not only obtain a new eyepiece, but turn it on our self to examine perhaps a flaw or two within our own diamond -something we have denied, repressed or not accepted about our jewel. When we discover what it is, work with it and polish it, then others’ brightness will be readily available for our viewing pleasure.

The practical application of Indra’s Net is that the diamond within us chooses to see the diamond in another. The beauty of Indra’s Net, and real networking – is just that –  the beauty that arises naturally when connection is based on acknowledging and appreciating the uniqueness and value of another – just because they are. 

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you ever observe and reflect on your own observations of others? What do these observations reveal about yourself?  How so?
• When you choose to see someone as being different from you, what might it be about your own unconscious that you are discovering? 
• Do you experience discomfort around others who are “not like me?” Do you tend to be more inclusive or exclusive in your orientation to others?  What’s underneath your discomfort or exclusiveness? Do you know why?
• What are your earliest memories of being inclusive or exclusive?
• Do you know the name of the person who cleans your office, the wait-person you see every day in your local coffee shop, the elevator operator, your refuse collector, your mail carrier (you get the picture)? 
• Have you ever caught yourself being too busy to acknowledge or show appreciation to another? 
• How do you feel when another person does not give you the attention you’d like (or think you deserve)? 
• Can you think of times when a good/bad experience with someone influenced your behavior in subsequent interactions with others? What was that like? 
• Can you envision a world where an Indra’s Net orientation to people actually exists “down here?” 

“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.” –  Thomas Merton

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Poison Control

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

In the Buddhist tradition, the cause of human suffering is threefold: greed, hatred, and delusion – called the “three poisons.” These three “poisons” are deeply ingrained, programmed, in our being, our personality and leak out, spilling toxicity, as we live our lives – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. How so?

“There is no calamity greater than lavish desire. There is no greater guilt than discontentment. And there is no greater disaster than greed.” – Lao-Tzu

We manifest greed as selfishness, attachments, and trying to glom on to happiness outside ourselves. Greed is an insatiable craving for objects we feel will bring us unbridled happiness – a happiness we believe will fill us up, make us feel whole and complete. Under the spell of greed, we, like Sisyphus, continually struggle to obtain the unattainable – always fleeting, always ephemeral. There is no lasting happiness. So, it’s always on to the next thing, and the next and the next. Greed also manifests as a lack of compassion for others. Greed is a poison that affects our personal and professional lives, a poison that leads to an endless cycle of suffering and unhappiness – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically. 

“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.” – Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

Hatred is manifested by our anger, hostility, resentment and aversion to people, events and circumstances which we feel cause us discomfort and unpleasantness. We even hate our own self, our own feelings. When we hate, we consciously and unconsciously emit an energy of ill-will, jealousy and revenge. When we hate, we seem to constantly be in some degree of discontent, distress or conflict – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – we seem to always be fighting “an enemy” – both external and internal. We feel agitated, vigilant, and vengeful. Too, we always seem to be in conflict with our self – rejecting who we are, how we feel. 

“There are men who would quickly love each other if once they were to speak to each other; for when they spoke they would discover that their souls had only separated by phantoms and delusions.” – Ernest Hello 

Delusion points to our misperception, misconception and misunderstanding of reality, how the world works, and how natural law works. Delusional, we lack harmony within ourselves, with others or with life itself. We lack an understanding of the interconnectedness of all beings, of all of life. The poison of delusion forces us to look for satisfaction, happiness and solutions “out there.” The result, of course, is even greater unhappiness, frustration and dissatisfaction – a vicious cycle.   

The Antidote 

These three poisons – greed, hatred and delusion – have a single cause, and that is our separation from our True, Real and Authentic Self – the Self of loving kindness and compassion.  

The antidote is twofold: (1)understanding and clarity as to how and why these poisons cause us suffering and unhappiness and (2) making the choice to reduce and eliminate these poisons from our lives. 

As in all change, when we become more self-aware, clear, about the causes of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction, we can then take the steps towards change, empowerment and freedom. As with all change, we need to be loving, kind and compassionate towards ourselves through the slowly-unfolding change process. 

So, the antidote begins with the source of the three poisons – our mind – our ego personality. When we learn to still the mind, explore our self more deeply, and become “mindful,” we move to the source of the poisons. At the source, we can discover how these poisons are influencing us – our thoughts, feelings, emotions, speech and actions. The practice is mindful awareness.

We practice mindful awareness through deep breathing, meditation, journaling, self-reflection, the martial arts, painting, dancing, writing, walking quietly in nature and the like (e.g, right-brain, or “no-brain,” activities). 

In a state of mindful awareness, we watch, observe and witness sour feelings, emotions and thoughts – watching, not engaging, not reacting, not judging. Mindful awareness supports our being present – in our everyday interactions – noticing what triggers us, what pushes our buttons, what disturbs us. Watching and observing, not reacting, not allowing greed, hatred or delusions to get in the way. 

Mindful awareness supports us to treat each poison with its antidote, for example: 

Greed – generosity, charity, sharing, humility, detachment, contentment and cooperation 

Hatred – patience, forgiveness, loving-kindness, inclusivity, and openness towards others and our self 

Delusion – wisdom, insight, intuition, right understanding, harmony with an interdependent and interconnected world 

The antidote – mindful awareness – supports us to become liberated from the poisons, from our habitual, programmed ways of be-ing, thinking, and do-ing – from our unhappiness and suffering. 

Poisons are serious stuff – they are dangerous and cause harm and sickness – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological. 

Poisons cause us to act in self-limiting, self-sabotaging and self-defeating ways in which we make unhealthy choices and decisions. Poisons cause us to act unethically, immorally and dishonestly. 

By working with the antidotes, we can change; we can transform. And it’s this change and transformation that eventually leads to True and Real Happiness – eliminating the fake and phony appearance of happiness that we’ve been relentlessly pursuing – oddly enough, a fake and phony happiness that has been, poisoning us, making us sicker and sicker. 

Some questions for self-reflection: 

Do you think you’ve been poisoned? If so, when, how and by whom?

Do any of the three poisons drive your everyday moral and ethical actions – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? How so?

How do you know when you are free of the three poisons, when greed, hatred and delusion no longer exist in your life?

How do you experience what’s good in your life?

How do you generally feel when you wake up in the morning, go to bed at night? Why?

Do you experience extreme highs and extreme lows in your life?

What role do patience, kindness and grace play in your life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship? Do they play any role at all?

What frustrates you, makes you angry, sad, or glad? How so?

Do you have a spiritual life or practice?

Can you envision a world where greed, hatred and delusion don’t exist?

Have you ever experienced true and real happiness? How do you know?

What were your experiences of greed, hatred and delusion as you were growing up? Did you experience any of the three delusions in and around your family? How so? If so, what was that like?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
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