Mid-Life – The Turning Point For Many

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Over this past year or so, I’ve been noticing, to a greater degree than usual, an interesting phenomenon related to folks with whom I used to work, and many whom I only know as friends, colleagues or acquaintances. What am I noticing? Several of these folks, in mid-life, are exploring work-life issues, for example, around family, career, health, finances, relationships, spiritual life, and personal and professional growth and development.

In addition, there is one single thread that runs through their concerns – they are seeking, or searching. Some are seeking inner peace and tranquility. Others are looking for a way to create a solid foundation and center around which their family can grow and experience a true and real sense of “family.” Still others are looking for greater rewards, achievement or recognition through their work.

What I notice in their seeking is many of these folks have decided the goals they thought were important, the dreams they held as sacrosanct, the “gold ring” they were chasing “just doesn’t do it for me any more.”

It seems these folks no longer are experiencing fun, pleasure, real peace or joy and have decided there’s a new sense of “happiness” they want to experience – a “happiness” they thought they were experiencing but alas, is no longer palatable, palpable or pleasing, having been replaced now by a sense of boredom, malaise, sadness, frustration and emptiness.

So, they find themselves at a life stage where they are searching, seeking 

What many of these folks are now discovering is their ego got in the way, early on – very early on – and now, later in life, the expensive cars, homes and toys don’t do it for them  nor do the exotic trips, the younger women, trophy wives or boy-toys, or plastic surgeries, the crash diets, the wrinkle free creams and hair coloring products, or..(fill in the blank)….the artificial means they thought would boost their own sense of self.  

Their attempts to “cover over” age through artificiality in order to impress their world have brought them to this place of seeking – somehow knowing they now need to address the “problem,” not the symptom.

Having spent countless years, dollars and energy on the “outside,” what they’re now looking for is their “inside.” 

Life dealt many a challenging hand – career issues, spousal issues, children issues, relationship issues, health issues, financial issues. These folks are often sad, depressed, unhappy, angry, full of guilt and regret, disappointed and disheartened.   

So, for them, seeking and renewal start on the inside – with an open, honest, sincere and self-responsible exploration of “Who am I, really?” and “What am I, really?”  Who am I in the world and how am I in the world from this inner place?

It’s at this point these folks, many for the first time, deeply explore their legacy –  what do I want to leave to the planet? What is it folks will say about me at my funeral? What’s my epitaph?

The good news is these folks are now conscious, willing and able to look back – and at the same time to look ahead. While many experience disappointment in reflecting on their past, they are equally willing to learn from their past – their choices and decisions that perhaps did not produce the life experiences they had hoped for. From a deeper exploration, their wisdom bubbles up. So does hope and optimism.

It’s here their inner journey, their deeper exploration serves them well – what have I learned? What lessons are there for me to see? What will support me as I go forward? What have I learned about the world of work, bosses, and the meaning of work? What have I learned about dysfunctional relationships, abusive partners and toxic friends? What have I learned about my addictions? What have I learned about me as the result of work-life choices I’ve made?

It’s at this point, they begin to realize the gift they’re receiving – the gift of being able to be conscious and honest about where they’re choosing to go – a new and different direction which, for many, will result in a life (not a lifestyle) complete with true and real dignity, harmony, inner peace and a high degree of self worth and self-esteem – many, for the first time.  

Some questions for self-reflection:  

• How would you answer the question, “Who am I?”  What do you want out of life? 
• Where are you in various aspects of your life and why are you there? 
• Do you feel like a victim much of the time? 
• Do you spend much of your time regretting past life-work choices? How so? 
• Would you say you’re living a life or a lifestyle? Do you know the difference? 
• Do you find yourself being overtly or covertly angry much of the time? 
• What brings you true and real happiness and joy? How often do you experience true and real happiness and joy?  How so?
• Did you ever experience a mid-life crisis? Are you experiencing a mid-life crisis now? 
• Do you journal or do deep exploratory or reflective work on your life, on you life choices (If not, any reason why not?)? If so, what do you/have you seen about yourself?  
• Do you have any idea of what your legacy might be? If not, do you care about your legacy?  What qualities do you most want in life? 
• Why are you on the planet? 

“It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere that it begins to have meaning.”
– P.D. Ospensky

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is”maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Conformity and Authenticity

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Probably one of the greatest social pressures people feel today is the pressure to conform – to be like another or others in some way, shape or form. Early on in life we learned that if we wanted the support of others, or the love, acknowledgment, or recognition, etc. of others, it was necessary to please those others. Another flavor of this dynamic is garnering the approval of others when we conform to their expectations of how they think we ought to be. 

The quid-pro-quo of conforming
The downside of conforming is that in order to gain, we lose. That is, in order to gain acceptance, approval, love and/or recognition of another, we give up something of our self. It’s a costly dynamic. Caught in this dynamic, we create two selves – the self we know and feel we really are and the self, rather the impression or false self, we present to others. Most often, over time, the image that we effort to give others (in conforming) we often take on as our real self. In the process, we lose touch with our true and real self and, consciously and unconsciously, the result is pain and suffering. Becoming split off from our true and real self, from our true and real identity, we go through life sort of teeter- tottering and feeling off-balance, without really knowing why.

Conforming is like being a shark
Living a life of conforming results in a state of unconscious confusion. In other words, when we become so outwardly focused – dependent on “it,” “her,” “him” or “them,” to feel loved, acknowledged, seen, recognized and the like – we have this incessant need to move from person to person, place to place, thing to thing, etc. to feel fulfilled – not like a shark’s need to continuously move to stay alive. The shark has its oxygen; the conformist has theirs.

Conforming, unconsciously, is what keeps us alive. Is not unlike a progressive drug – the more we use it, the greater the dose we need to get the same “high.” Without it, we don’t feel alive.

The antidote to conforming
The antidote to conforming is the inner journey – giving up the externals and investing our time and energy on what’s inside. After all, this is where true authenticity resides. This is where our true and real self resides. 

This journey does not mean we give up the faux image we’ve been presenting to others, our persona, our faults or our limitations. The inner journey supports us to accept our faults, our foibles, and “fake” self, but in the process the inner journey supports us to live from the inside out – where the “I” we discover within now drives our do-ings and be-ings.

The non-conforming
When we discover our true, real and authentic self, and live from the inside-out, we live life from a place of clarity, a crystal-clear “knowing,” that supports us to live as an independent being, no longer wanting or needing to be a conformist. From this place. we much more readily give, serve and support others for our mutual highest good. 

From this place, we lead a much more “conscious” life. We feel alive, fresh, purposeful and authentic.   

Questions for self-reflection:

• Where in your life, do you tend to be a conformist? How so? Would others agree with you? 
• What does conforming get you? 
• Do you ever consider yourself to be value-less, or worthless? How so? 
• Are there areas or aspects of your life you seem to be continually avoiding? Why? 
• What are your earliest memories or experiences related to conforming? 
• Did you ever talk about conforming with your parents or primary caregivers? What were those conversations like? 
• What is one area of your life where you could stop being a conformist? Are you willing to give it a try? Why or why not?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Reflecting on Stress and Work

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

Stress, the ubiquitous element found more and more in today’s workplaces is the one insidious quality that drives folks to experience bodies that are anything but relaxed – tired, sore, hurting and weak; hearts that are anything but peaceful – angry, sad, depressed, resentful, broken and jealous; and minds that are anything but quiet – racing, on overdrive, obsessing, and caught up in constant debilitating and negative self-judgments and criticisms, all of which bring folks to the sad realization that, in fact, much of the time “I can’t think straight and I can’t think clearly” and “I feel lousy” – the mantra of many stressed folks these days at work (and at home, even at play).  

There is a direct correlation between physical, emotional and psychological well-be-ing and cognitive ability. It’s no wonder that folks can’t think straight, and feel lousy, in many of today’s workplaces (and homes, and places of play).

The kicker is that for every Google – where it’s a fun place to be and work, where management truly is committed to the health and well-being of its employees – there are thousands of companies which fail to align their corporate story, philosophy or mission/vision/values with the well-be-ing of their employees. Many of these organizations haven’t a clue, or don’t really care, that many of their employees are physical, mental and emotional wrecks – even though their well be-ing has a direct effect on performance and profitability. 

Many leaders, managers and supervisors profess to belong to the “Church of  Employee Concern” but very, very few leaders, managers and supervisors actually show up at the services.

The downside is that many, if not most, of these stressed folks are not engaged but, rather, disengaged, slowly dying on the vine of work as a result of work-related stress. What is a reality is many of these folks come to work in a state of “presenteeism” – showing up in a fog – basically unable to perform at maximum due to their emotional, mental, physical and/or psychological state of imbalance.

The sad truth is that while some companies, maybe yours, espouse wellness centers, gyms, meditation classes and the like, the reality is many workers fail to take advantage of these perks because of a subtle or outspoken workplace culture (driven from the top by leaders, managers and supervisors) that communicates: folks who spend company time to take care of their health and well be-ing are not committed to the company. The other kicker is that such perks at most companies are NOT seen as a worthwhile “investment” in folks but as an EXPENSE. What does that tell you about organizational commitment to employee health and well-be-ing? 

 However, there are two sides to this stress coin.

 There are those employees who perpetuate their own stress, their dis-ease, their imbalance and their mind-body-spirit disequilibrium. These are the folks whose stories are self-defeating and self-sabotaging, but tell these stories as if they are true: “I’m young so I can get away with 70-hour weeks,” “I have no time to exercise,” “I can’t afford to take care of my health right now,” “Taking time to work out at work on company time is selfish or self-serving,” “Not working out is OK because I devote my free time to my family” and on and on.  

The unfortunate scenario that sooner or later (and in today’s fast-paced workplace it’s happening much sooner than later) accompanies such denial of one’s mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and well be-ing is not pretty: heart attack, mental, emotional, psychological, or physical imbalance, illness or dis-ease, life-changing accidents, divorce and/or estrangement from one’s spouse/partner and children, extra-marital affairs, addictions, and on and on.

However, at the same time, many do wake up and smell the coffee, and the flowers, when they feel the Universe tugging on their sleeve. These are the fortunate ones who realize it’s important to take time for self-reflection, and re-visit their values, motivations, needs and wants, life and work choices. These are the ones who explore deeply the meaning of work for them, their purpose in life and whether they are honestly “on purpose” in their work. 

Reflection, true reflection, requires a certain level of “superconsciousness”, higher consciousness or self-awareness. Here are four words that identify different levels of consciousness:

Unconscious – instinctual, follower

Subconscious – habitual, robotic, drone-like, reactive

Conscious – aware, intelligent, conceptual, reflective

Superconscious – intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal

When we reflect from a deeper level, taking time to really “go inside” and ask ourselves if our stories are honest, sincere, authentic and true, we reflect on a superconscious level. As we go deeper and reflect on how we typically move through our day at work (and at home and play), we use our heart and body’s inner wisdom and intelligence and open up to superconsciousness. Using our superconsciousness allows us to enter into communication and harmony with the universal mind, our inner mind and wisdom body that is the secret of personal power and informs us about the “truth” of our life. 

Others, however, choose to just keep on keeping on, habitually, in a non-conscious, or reactive subconscious way, until it’s quite late in the game…and often pay a steep penalty on many levels.

So, life, even our life at work, is about choices. Positive choices have benefits; self-defeating  choices have consequences. Which are you experiencing in your everyday life at work – benefits or consequences? 

Perhaps some “superconscious” reflection is in order. If so, will you choose to take the time?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Does my company provide opportunities to take care of my health and well be-ing on company time? Do I take advantage of these opportunities? If not, why not? What’s my “story” around this? 
• If my company does not provide such opportunities, what is their rationale for not doing so? Is there an “our employees are our most valuable asset”- type of statement in my company’s story or mission? If so, do I see any discrepancy here? How do I feel about this discrepancy? 
• Is my health suffering on some level? Do I disengage from my health and allow myself to suffer? What story am I telling myself that allows me to sacrifice my health? Why do I choose (it is a choice) to stick to my story, even though I am suffering on some level?
• Is my family suffering in some way due to my stress level? Is that OK? Do I have a story that allows me to remain stressed and them to continue to suffer? How do I justify my story?
• Is my work a burden or a joy; fulfilling or an addiction? Is money or social status an addiction for me?
• How would you rate your happiness over the last six months (1-10)? Is that rating OK? Even if it’s low, do you tell yourself a story that “justifies” or “rationalizes” your low happiness rating?
• Is there a direct relationship between your work and your happiness? Between your family and your happiness? Are you happy at work? At home?
• Is happiness, for you, an afterthought, a secondary-in-importance quality?
• What one or two baby steps can you choose to take this week and next to begin to (a) reduce the degree of stress in your life and (b) move one area of your health (mental, physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual) up a notch on the 1-10 scale of wellness? Is there someone you can call on to support you with this effort?
• Do you ever take time for deep, superconscious, self-reflection? If not, do you have a story that you tell yourself and others about why you choose not to engage in deeper self-reflection? Is your story, true, sincere, and honest?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering