This Week Is Last Week’s “Next Week.”

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I recently had a conversation with an individual about how her life is unfolding these days. Short answer: “It’s terrible.” I asked, “Going forward, if this week were typical of next week, and the next week, and the week after that, and the next six months, the next year and five years after that, would it be OK?” She instinctively reacted: “No!” – her voice and body manifesting resentment, frustration, and muted rage. When I asked what she’s doing about her life, she sort of responded with a “Well, you play with the hand you’re dealt” attitude, being the victim, intimating that’s she too flooded by victimization consciousness to take time to stand back and gain a deeper perspective or do anything constructive about changing. 

Julia (not her real name), a successful professional woman, spouse and mother is basically unhappy – stressed out by her work, by her relationship, by her children, by the uncertainty of the economy, by the state of her physical health and her social life. Nothing seems to be “working” as she phrased it. When asked, “Why not?” she thought for a moment and said,” I don’t know; I just don’t have time to get my life together.” That’s when I asked the “Well, if this week is typical?” question.

So, what about you? How are you showing up in your life – not just life at work but life at home, life in relationship, and life at play? 

Presenteeism
“Presenteeism” is a term used most often to describe a form of “disengagement-with-life”type of fog with which folks show up in life. The reality is many folks are exhibiting presenteeism in just about every aspect of their life. They are physical, emotional and mental wrecks to some degree – a larger, not smaller, degree. Many folks are not doing justice to their work, their spouse, their children, their friends, or their own self because they’re suffering from presenteeism. 

Being the victim
Because many folks are acting as the victim, reactively and begrudgingly living with the “hand they are dealt,” and choosing not to be proactive about changing their life or lifestyle, they are experiencing stress, overwhelm, confusion and unhappiness – played out in their self-destructive life habits, e.g.,  lack of sleep, terrible diet, workaholism, sickness, disease, dis-ease, lack of exercise, estrangement from family members (even while living in  the same house), being abusive, argumentative, resistant and resentful. Moreover, they have mostly concocted “stories” to justify why they can’t move off the dime. And thus their “insanity” continues, you know, doing the same thing the same way, over and over again and expecting different results each time.

Reflect
So, maybe this is a good time to explore your relationship with presenteeism, with your own “insane” way of dealing with your life, with change and with the stories you use to justify and rationalize why you are where you are. And in that vein here are some considerations that might support your journey forward so that the “next week” and the “next week, etc. might not be carbon copies of this week or last week.

Work life:
How is your relationship with your work? Why do you do what you do? What attitudes do you bring with you to your workplace? Do these attitudes support your well-being? Do you find meaning in your work – even in the mundane (hint: it’s possible)? Are you engaged at work, passionate, challenged, unhappy or overwhelmed? Would you do this work even if you weren’t paid? What do you like about your work (place)? How do you justify doing work you don’t like? 

Family life:
What’s your relationship with your family like? Is the value of family “i.e., being the most important thing in my life” borne out by the “reality” of how you relate to your family? Is there a disconnect? Are you satisfied with your relationship to your spouse or partner, to your children? What about real connection and intimacy? Is something missing? What about your relationship with your parents, sisters or brothers? How’s that working? Is your relationship with your family “this week” exactly what you would like it to be in the weeks, months and years ahead? How do you rationalize and justify unhappy and unfulfilling relationships that you allow to continue? Do you allow your job to keep you from your family (that “most important thing in my life” value)?

Your health:
How well do you take care of yourself? And what rationalizations, stories and justifications do you use for not taking care of yourself? How do you explain neglecting your health to your spouse/partner and children? If you became disabled tomorrow, how would that affect your family and others who care about you? Are you a good role model for others in the way you deal with your health? Do you urge your spouse/partner and children to follow your health patterns? 

Social life:
Are you a friend to your friends? Or are they more the friend and you the recipient of their friendship? Do you take more than you give? Are friends important to you? How do they know? Do you subjugate friendship to a low priority, even though friendship is important? What rationalizations, stories and justifications do you use for doing so? If you have no friends, what is that about? Are your friendships consistently superficial or are they continually ripening and deepening? Do you have true and real friends at work? Are most of your friends “Internet friends?”

Your happiness: 
Are you happy? Do you experience joy in your life?And never mind the “it’s all relative” or “compared to whom/what?” retort. You know if you are; you know if you aren’t. It’s about the truth. Are you settling? Are you resigned? Are you OK with your level of happiness? Do you know how to achieve true and real happiness? What justifications, stories and rationalizations do you use to explain your level of happiness? Is your level of happiness “this week” exactly what you would like it to be in the weeks, months and years ahead? Is happiness in the foreground or background for you? Why? What brings you joy?

So, this week is last weeks “next week.” If you decided last week, or some earlier week, to make changes in your life “next week” (the euphemistic phrasing for this is “when it’s the (so-called) right time” – and we know the “right time” never comes- how has this week been? Effected any changes yet? Waiting for another “right time?” Waiting until “next week?”  Remember, when nothing changes, nothing changes. Groundhog day, Groundhog week, each wrapped in presenteeism. Is that what you’re choosing?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• If last week or this week were typical of next week, the week after, and the week after that, and every week for the next six months, every week for the next two years, would that be OK with you? If not, why not?
• What one or two baby steps can you take this week, in this present moment, now, to move in the direction of having “next week” be truly better/different than “this week?” What has to happen, or not happen, for you to take a first step towards change?
• What conversation(s) do you need to have in order to move forward?
• Resistance to change is based on fear – always. What are you afraid of? Be honest and tell the truth. Who or what can help you move through your fear, your procrastination or your stuckness?
• How did you and your family deal with change when you were growing up?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“Know Thyself” And Workplace Conflict

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“Knowing thyself” is an in-depth understanding of “who I am” and “how I am”. This understanding of one’s self is the product of the formal and informal experiences of living life. But, to be clear, this understanding is not the result of simply “having” experiences. It is the result of deep, consistent and conscious reflection on one’s experiences – the lessons learned, be they the good, the bad or the ugly.

Self-awareness occurs as the result of experiencing some sort of inner or outer conflict which tugs on our sleeve and forces us to change. One of the results of such transformation is that we often change our value system which is reflected in new ways of thinking, being, having and doing.

Examples of experiences that bring us to “know thyself” include mid-life crises (which, by the way, are affecting people at earlier and earlier ages today, no longer just in middle age), health issues, relationship issues, career issues, financial issues and mental, emotional or psychological issues.

At work
In the workplace, organizational awareness is the totality of each employee’s self-awareness. Where employees are more self-aware, workplace conflict can be minimal and constructive. But in an environment where the majority of employees are non-self-aware, conflict can be insidious, toxic, all-pervasive and destructive. 

The bottom line is that the way your organization, department or team handles interpersonal conflict can either be an experience of vitality, collegiality, and camaraderie, or toxicity, demoralization, resentment, disrespect, resistance, and derailment.

In fact, the major cause of “loss processes” in organizations is not due to processes at all. More often it is caused by dysfunctional interpersonal dynamics. More and more in today’s organization, success and effectiveness are dependent on the synergies that are created when people are in alignment with one another.

When folks’ attitudes, beliefs, and values are in alignment, their behaviors are consonant and supportive of departmental, team and organizational goals.

But when one is driven by self-limiting and self-defeating personal biases, prejudices, beliefs, assumptions and “stories” – all of which are unspoken and often unconscious – discord often rules and ruins the day, ruins the meeting, ruins the processes and ruins relationships until folks agree to “out the elephants” in the room and consciously deal with the dysfunctional behaviors that underlie conflict.

“Soft skills”
When leaders, managers and supervisors have the strength and courage to understand and agree that “soft skills” are the “hard skills” of effective relationships at work (and do the work that’s required to bring people to that level of awareness), defensiveness, resistance, turf and ego issues will begin to melt. In their place, people will begin to feel, and be, freer in their behaviors and attitudes in a way that fosters greater mutual respect.

The process of knowing thyself begins when one consciously explores “how I am” and “who I am” when it comes to “the way I am,”  i.e., the way I communicate and interact, with others.

Self-mastery explores things like:

my verbal and non-verbal behaviors
my emotional behaviors – how I express my feelings and emotions
my intentions/motives underlying my behaviors – my hidden agendas, or disharmony where what I “do” is out of alignment with what I “say.”

How do I “know myself?”
“Know thyself” requires taking a conscious look at how I experience myself at work and how I experience my interactions with others. Self-mastery requires us to examine the disconnects that exist between what we say, think, feel and do – disconnects that lead to being out of harmony and integrity, and to being unethical and disrespectful (in thought and action) that result in counterproductive patterns of behavior, and conflict.

“Know thyself” requires taking a conscious look at why, for example, I need to lie, cheat, steal, bully, gossip, and be disagreeable, disrespectful, resistant, non-trusting, sabotaging, discourteous, and insensitive.

“Know thyself” requires taking a conscious look at “where I’m coming from” and whether “where I’m coming from” is supportive or limiting to the team, department and my organization.

The bottom line of knowing thyself when it comes to conflict is this: conflict is rarely the result of “technical” issues. Most often, conflict is based on some underlying fear and is an interpersonal, psycho-emotional dynamics issue.

“Task orientation” and “people orientation”
People can relate to one another on the basis of a “task orientation” or on the basis of a “relationship orientation.” Task orientation centers around functions, roles and business strategies and tactics. Relationship orientation centers around trust, (physical and psychological) safety, understanding, respect and sensitivity.

Effective conflict resolution must rest on the fulcrum of relationship orientation, on people, not processes. Organizational self-awareness occurs when the majority of employees are engaged, consciously, from the perspective of relationship orientation, i.e., “who I am” and “how I am” and not solely on “what I do”.

A self-aware person is one who examines the quality of his/her interpersonal relationships in an on-going manner. A self-aware organization is one that examines the quality of its interpersonal dynamic on a regular basis.

To be an effective leader, manager or supervisor, this on-going exploration that leads to supporting people to actively and consciously engage in their personal growth would serve us well in an effort to reduce the negative effects of workplace conflict.

Focusing on the “technical” alone won’t do it; never has, never will.

Some Questions for Self-Reflection:

• How would I rate myself on a scale of 1(low) to 10(high) on the following: (a) my being a team player; (b) my relationships with others; (c) how much I trust others; (d) the quality of my communication efforts with others; and (e) my attitude? How so?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how self-aware am I of my feelings and emotions?
• Do I believe life is a “zero-sum” game – that if others “get theirs” I won’t get “mine”? If so, why? And, if so, has this attitude brought me more pain or happiness in my life?
• Do my relationships manifest trust, dignity and respect?
• Am I harboring grudges from the past? If so, why?
• Do I live my life based on the “oughts” and “shoulds” of others? If so, why?
• Do I have counterproductive habits and patterns I am afraid to release? If, yes, why?
• How often am I in “negative thinking” and/or” negative judgmental” mode at work? Why?
• Who am I most jealous of and why? Does it show in my verbal and non-verbal behaviors?
• What upsets me about other people’s behavior – and what does that say about me?

—————————————————–
(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering