The Cold Within

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While I was out walking this morning, I was reflecting on the cloud of sadness that envelops the planet – the sadness that lies underneath the anger, vitriol, disrespect, resentment, jealousy, rage, hate, fear, terror and confusion that inform and drive so many folks in their day-to-day dealings with others.

Then, coming back home, I happened on this poem and thought, “Hmmm, synchronicity.” So, I thought I’d share it with you this week.

The poem, written in the 1970s by James Patrick Kinney called, “The Cold Within” reminds me (us?) what’s at stake as we collectively (like it or rot) move forward.

“Six humans trapped by happenstance,
In black and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood,
Or so the story’s told.

Their dying fire in need of logs,
The first woman held hers back.
For on the faces around the fire,
She noticed one was black.

The next man looking ‘cross the way,
Saw one not of his church,
And couldn’t bring himself to give,
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes;
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use,
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought,
Of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned,
From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man’s face bespoke revenge,
As the fire passed from his sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood,
Was a chance to spite the white.

And the last man of this forlorn group,
Did naught, except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave,
Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death’s still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didn’t die from the cold without
They died from the cold within.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How does this poem relate to your life today? Are there real-life situations where you see people being like the six people in the poem? How so?
• How does your body respond as you read this? What emotions or feelings do these sensations communicate? Do you ever feel” cold within?” How so?
• Could you see the six people as representing different parts of your personality or character? How so? Do you see any part of you reflected in one or more of these individuals? How so?
• What if the poem had focused on a seventh person who did share their wood? What could you learn from this person?
• Could the poem be seen as a commentary on society as a whole, rather than just individual behavior? In what ways might we be like the six people in the poem, and how could we work to change that? How might you work to change that?
• How does the poem relate to the concept of justice and fairness? Does it suggest that justice is about treating everyone equally, or does it suggest that justice is about making sure that everyone has what they need? Do you care?
• What role do personal beliefs and values play in the story? Are any of the characters acting out of a particular belief system or worldview, and if so, what does that tell us about the importance of beliefs in shaping behavior? What are some of your beliefs that shape your own behavior?
• Have you ever lived your life from a “zero-sum” game perspective? How so?
• Do you ever exhibit jealousy, resentment, “righteous indignation,” arrogance, “giving to get” behaviors, revenge, spite, guilt, shame, confusion…? How so? Under what circumstances? Do you try to justify your feelings or behaviors? How so? What are the stories you use to justify your behavior?
• What are you doing with your stick of wood these days? What does that look like, feel like, sound like? What are others saying about you?
• Do you think the main theme of this poem is empathy and compassion? Something else?

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(c) 2023, Peter Vajda, Ph.D., C.P.C.  and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“…he not busy being born is busy dying” – Bob Dylan

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

Source: song: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)

Bob Dylan’s quote “he not busy being born is busy dying” is a reflection on the idea that life is about growth and change. The quote suggests that those who are not actively engaged in personal growth and development are essentially wasting their time and are slowly dying inside, or becoming stagnant.

In other words, if you are not constantly learning, growing, evolving, embracing new ideas, perspectives and experiences and challenging yourself to be better versions of yourself, you are not fully living. To Dylan, a life worth living is one where we are always seeking new experiences, learning from our mistakes and striving to be our best selves. In this way, the quote can be seen as a call to action, encouraging us to make the most of our time on earth by staying curious, open and engaged in the world around us. If someone is not actively seeking new experiences or learning new things, then they are simply wasting away and not fully living their life.

So, how about you?

Questions for self-refection:

How can you make the world (humanity, flora, fauna…) a little bit better today because of your presence upon it? Will you?

Can you do something today that makes you happy, revitalizes you, fills you up with joy, helps you fall in love with life? Will you? How so?

Would you consider engaging in one or more of these personal growth challenges today:

Do something you hate to do.

Do something you don’t like to do.

Do something you never have time to do.

Do something that’s not like you. (If you’re unsure or unclear about what this might mean, ask your spouse/partner or a close friend – they’ll tell you in a heartbeat.)

When you experience a painful, unpleasant or challenging situation, can you focus on the “good” around it? Can you see the gift this challenge is offering you?

Can you do something for another today?

Can you surround yourself with peace and happiness while you’re feeling “pain?”

When you’re facing a setback, can you ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”

Rather than resist the fight to challenge (a person, event, circumstance…), can you ask yourself, “How can I be more flexible, adaptable, and see this as an opportunity for personal growth?” Yes/No? How so?

Can you view every person, place, object, event, circumstance, and experience in your life, as your “teacher?” Can you be curious about the learnings/lessons (about you) life is giving you? Yes or no? How so?

Are you suppressing or repressing your creative juices or instincts? Are you fearful of allowing your “creative side” to show? How so? What excuses (they’re never reasons) do you make for squashing the creative side of yourself? When did you first learn to suppress your creative side? What one creative act can you engage in today? Will you?

Are you currently engaged or involved in growth and learning opportunities in your work? How so? If not, how can you make it happen?

How willing are you to explore new/different perspectives about one belief that you hold as sacrosanct?

Do you ever feel you are wasting your time “down here?” What’s that like?

What have you learned about yourself from a recent mistake you made? Are you open to learning from your mistakes? How so?

Do you think you’re making the most of your time “down here?” Why, or why not? How so?

How able are you to embrace the “suck” in your life? Do you ever meditate on the “suck” in your life?

Looking on the past day, week, month year, years, are you busy being born or busy dying? How so?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Are “Difficult People” Really “Difficult?”

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Google “working with difficult people,” and you’ll get about 2,330,000,000 results; “difficult coworkers,” a whopping 128,000,000 results.

They’re everywhere
In most every organization – i.e., work, home, play, etc. – we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, annoy or otherwise trigger us. They make us want to scream, or worse. Usually, we refer to such folks as “difficult people.” Some we label simply irritating; others we label rude and there are those we label impossible to work/be with. So, what makes people “difficult?”

“Difficult,” of course, is in the eye of the beholder

In the eye of the beholder
The question is not what makes them difficult, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult. What we tell ourselves that supports our being triggered, reactive. We concoct stories about such folks (“S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor.”) that characterizes them as difficult.

The truth about difficulty
When we drill down to the truth of the difficulty characterization, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish or aberrant. The truth of the difficulty matter is that often the difficulty is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What happens is we have created a story about that person – a story we assume to be real and true.

How do we know our story is true?
So, when we feel the urge to label another as difficult, a first step is to check out the reality of our story, the facts. Here are three self-reflective questions to support your inquiry:

1. What is that person doing/being, that is problematical for me?

What are the observable and measurable behaviors that point to “difficult?” Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment, such as “Well, it’s nothing specific; they’re just being a jerk (or worse).”

Because we’re so attached to our story, we often fail to specify the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I’m directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do/be differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story, so it would serve you to deal with specifics.

2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?

When we create stories, we create a subjective, judgmental way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “lazy” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving lazy in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up rejection tunes and look and listen for incidents which allow me to say, “See, there they goes again; they like that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”

We create distortions that support us to prove we are right, that our story is true. We look to gather lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves, “Is this the whole story?” “Is my story really the truth?” “Is it possible I’m distorting things a bit?” “In fact, is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the (idiot, jerk, bad person…) I make him or her out to be?” “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?

The bottom line is our stories influence our behavior. Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become conscious of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are: How do I behave toward another based on my story? And, am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

The antidote – curiosity, not judgment
A next step is to become curious as to whether I’m perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being difficult through my story and reactivity?

Yes, there are difficult people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really difficult, or whether I’m a major contributing factor to their being difficult through my story. And how do I know the difference.

Reflect first
Finally, I invite you to reflect on the following thoughts that could inform your inquiry into difficult people and your stories about them:

(1) Everyone is in chapter three of their life. We often base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in chapters one and two. Truth is, we don’t know.

(2) Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk (or fill in the blank with another difficult descriptor)?” And then, compassionately, give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as the truth.

(3) No one (read: no one) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” Maybe move to place of compassion and give the other the benefit of the doubt.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you generally react when you come across a “difficult” person? How so?
• Do you ever give a difficult person the benefit of the doubt? Why, or why not?
• What does labeling someone as “difficult” get you?
• Do you ever make judgments about folks, assuming you know all about them (chapters one and two)?
• Have you ever asked colleagues, bosses, friends, spouse/partner or child(ren) if you’re a difficult person? If not, would you? If not, why not?
• Have you even been judged as difficult or been judged harshly or unfairly? How did you feel?
• Have you ever been told you were quick to judge?
• Do you ever make up stories about people? How do your stories make you feel?
• Do you ever feel compassionate towards difficult people? Do you ever defend “difficult” people? How so?
• Do you ever justify your own being difficult while admonishing others for their being difficult? What’s the difference?
• When the choice is between seeing another as a human being or a villain (difficult), which do you normally choose? Why?
• What one or two baby steps might you take this week and next to discern the facts about someone you might have labeled as difficult to see if your story is, really, really true?

—————————————————–
(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Zoom, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering