Digging Yourself into a Hole

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

In the arenas of developmental psychology, spiritual psychology and related fields, there’s a given understanding that most of us, simply by nature of being born and raised in this world are “hurt” or “wounded” in the process. Even though our parents or primary caregivers are doing their utmost best to raise us well, nurture us and socialize us, the fact is that most primary care givers’s care comes up short – even in those homes where folks say their childhood was “the best.” or completely stable. “Wounding” is a fact of life of the human condition for most of us. This wounding can be mental, emotional, physical, psychological and/or spiritual.

One reason we come into this journey on the planet, and especially in our journeys in various relationships, is to “heal” this hurt so we can grow emotionally and spiritually into mature and competent adults and, as mature adults, show up in our life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – authentically and emotionally healthy, alert, alive and awake – whole.

One manifestation of this hurt or wounding is that, if asked and answered honestly, most every human being will admit to feeling some degree of “deficiency,” or “lack” in some way, shape or form, at some point, at some time.

Individuals who have done or are doing “personal work” or “spiritual developmental work” will most readily admit to experiencing this experience of deficiency. Those who are on the other end of the spectrum may engage in denial, resistance, or just out-and-out- rejection of the notion they are somehow not “all that I can be” right here and right now.

One of the feelings associated with this “hurt” is that often folks may feel “empty,” “worthless” or “valueless” in some way – perhaps in some aspect of their work life, play life, home life or relationship life. They don’t feel they are all they can be and often experience confusion, frustration, fear, resentment, guilt or shame about who they are and how they feel about themselves.

This experience of feeling “less than,” or “not enough” in some way, or ways, is often referred to as a “hole” (being “empty”), and so when in a state where they may be experiencing their hole, people might feel a wave or cloud coming over them where they feel they lack value, or worth, or feel they are “not enough” or feel “limited.” The “hole” is a natural state that comes with being born. Often folks fail to show up authentically as they consciously or unconsciously allow their feelings of “deficiencies” to drive who they are and thus they show up as phonies, frauds, fakes, bullies, or fearful, quiet, submissive, deferential, etc. on some level.

So, what’s the point?

The point is that the hole of deficiency can be filled. The question is how one chooses to fill the hole. The degree to which one experiences true and real inner peace, happiness, harmony and relaxation in their life (at work, at home, at play and in relationship) is a function of how one chooses to fill their hole.

There are two methods for hole filling” – from “without” or from ‘within.” The former results in digging a deeper hole; the latter results in reducing the size of the hole, perhaps eliminating it altogether.

From without

When folks attempt to fill their hole – their feelings of deficiency and “not enough” – from “without,” they tend to look outside themselves for whatever they can to provide a “quick-fix” that will bring a short-term feeling of OK-ness. Some of these folks will effort to inflate who they are in order to fill their hole of emptiness while others deal with the emptiness most often by filling it with stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Because of the nature of the hole, many folks who don’t feel safe or comfortable in their own skins, in who they are, and continually live life seeking recognition, approval, and emotional and psychological security through self-serving actions and activities.

The downside of filling the hole from “without” is the hole can never be filled but the intensity and degree of the activities they engage in to fill their hole become more and more progressive (like needing more and more of a drug to gain the same “numbing” effect). Living a life filling a hole from the “outside” results in a life characterized by an insidious sense of toxicity, intensity, agitation, and feelings of envy, jealousy, anger, shame, guilt, sadness, depression, despair, etc. to some degree. Hole-filling for them is a never-ending struggle, exhausting on every level – mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, social – as their hole grows deeper and deeper.

The narcissist is one example of an individual who tends to fill their hole from the outside – with their incessant need for admiration, approval, acknowledgement and recognition.

The narcissist lives from a perspective of needing to always “stand out,” to be seen and be “somebody.” So, in their life at work, at home, at play and in relationship, filling their hole of deficiency drives them to be the center of the Universe, living a life characterized by vanity, arrogance, lack of humility and egocentricity. The result, however, is digging one’s self into an ever deepening hole that requires more and more filling.

The tools and practices for filling the hole from without are those that anaesthetize one to their feelings – numbing out, denying and withdrawing – through TV, entertainment, sports, sex, alcohol, chemical and non-chemical medications, exercise, shopping, eating, and gathering stuff, or activities that require always being on – the life of the party, the know-it-all, the expert, always being “out there” in an effort to be seen, heard and acknowledged and “doing, doing, doing,” i.e., keeping busy.

From within

Filling the hole from within means pursuing a conscious and honest exploration of one’s sense of deficiency, knowing that their feelings of lack and deficiency are not “their fault” and moving to an inner place of peace, understanding, strength, will, courage and compassion from which one takes the necessary actions to allow their hole, to be OK with it and in that very process – i.e., allowing me to be me just as I am – experience the hole reduce and resolve. From this inner place, one acquires the insights, and awareness of the tools and practices that support one to understand the nature of “holes” and to forward the action of their life to begin to reduce and eliminate the hole by doing the “quiet,” deep developmental work that supports their growth process (through their own spiritual work, spiritual coaching, or the support of a trusted friend, partner, clergy person, counselor, etc). As part of this process, these folks are guided, internally and insightfully, to master the knowledge, tools and skills that support their self-actualization in their life at work, at home, at play and in relationship, a life they live with authenticity, sincerity, honesty and self-responsibility. From this place of acceptance of the hole, understanding how the hole supports us to grow and mature, the hole begins to fill itself. Here, we come from a heart-felt place, not an ego place. The work of filing the hole from within is quiet, deep, personal, inward directed and outwardly manifested.

The tools and practices used to fill the hole from “within” include journaling, self-reflection, meditation, silence, inquiry or deep questioning about “Who am I” and “What am I?,” listening for an inner voice to inform us and often working in dialogue with a support person who can guide them in their journey. From within, the more one’s hole is reduced, the more one’s heart-felt inner strength and courage arise to allow one to “be myself” – without needing any false or phony packaging or shoring up.

In the process of filling the hole from within, many folks are able to acknowledge their feelings of inadequacy and deficiency, accept them, learn from them and then move to a place of inner fortitude and steadfastness where they gain an inner, deeper, true sense of their value and worth and generate he capacity to show up more authentically – not needing to put on the cloak of a “false self” in order to be “somebody” other than who they really are.

What we resist, persists. When we resist the hole and look to fill it from the outside, the hole will persist, and grow deeper. When we do deeper the inner work to not resist, and allow the feelings connected to experiencing the hole, the hole will begin to dissipate and dissolve,

The bottom-line question is, “How do I want to show up in my life at work, at home, at play and in relationship?”

The answer will result in reducing and eliminating the hole, or digging a deeper hole. Life is choices.

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• In what ways do I often feel I am “not enough,” deficient or lacking? Why do I think I feel the way I do? How do I feel about feeling the way I do?
• Do I engage in “outside” activities to an extreme to feel secure, engaged and have some sense of OK-ness with my life? If so, what does all this activity get me?
• Do I feel and show up authentically at work, at home, at play, in my relationships? Really authentic? Do I ever feel like a fake or a phony? Do I ever consciously need to be a fake or phony? How so?
• Do I often find myself rationalizing my behaviors?
• Do I often feel a need to be “out there” – the life of the party, the “know-it-al,” the expert, etc?
• Do I play “small,” feel unseen and invisible much of the time? If so, do I know why?
• Do I have a “spiritual” (here, not theological, or religious) life? Do I meditate, write poetry, walk in nature, sing, dance, paint, journal, self-reflect…as a source of quiet, silence, inner journeying and personal discovery?
• Who in my life pushes my buttons? What do I see about my reactivity (not about them) that points to an area or areas in me where I might be in denial or have possible blind spots where I need to do some deeper exploration?
• What one or two baby steps can I take in the next week or two to move toward exploring my feelings around lack or deficiency?
• When did I first realize that I had “holes?”

—————————————–————
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Behaving Badly – Would I do That?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Increasing incivility
Over the years and more recently, it seems to me at least, we’re experiencing a greater amount of rudeness and incivility in politics, college sports, professional sports, the workplace, our politics and government – to name a few of our cultural arenas. The one common denominator in these instances? IMHO, a demonstrated lack of people skills and disrespect.

The events and circumstances describes in the links above are indicative of this country’s move towards an increasingly, deepening dark energy that results in overt anger, resentment, rage and verbal abuse.

We seem to be gravitating towards a country where anything and everything goes, a country where people skills are unnecessary, where verbal violence and rage are acceptable, and fewer and fewer truly care about showing respect.

In the world of newscasts and talk-shows, and the world of texting, blogging and tweeting, many seem to care less about the “how” of what they say, focused solely on the “what” – “I’ll say what I want, how I want, whenever I want and to hell with anything or anyone else!”

While not all of society lacks appropriate people skills, it seems fewer and fewer folks are exhibiting civility and decorum in their interactions.

Worse before it gets better?
More and more research studies from social scientists, socioeconomists, and social psychologists are pointing to the increasing unsettling social mood in the United States, and across the world. Many say this mood will become a lot worse before improving.

The research points to a natural ebb and flow of social mood (positive vs. negative), especially noting that in darker times, socially and politically, we experience increased tension and negativity. We seem to be inhabiting these darker times.

Incivility, bullying, disrespect, meanness, and demeaning behavior are fast becoming the norm. Conversation, discussions, and interactions are fast moving in the direction where outrage, vitriol, rancor, incivility and disrespect are the tools one uses to get one’s point across.

And, let’s say this up front. Passion is never – ever – a reason to show disrespect, incivility or anti-social behavior.

Why do we behave badly?
One’s ego-based needs for control, recognition and security drive their thinking. We live in a culture where many folks’ identity (which gives them a sense of mental, physical, emotional and psychological control, recognition and security) is based on “what I know is true.” Agree with me, and we’ll get along. Disagree, and we’re enemies. When you agree with me, you acknowledge I’m “somebody.” When you disagree, you’re saying I’m a “nobody.” That’s the kicker. This way of identifying ourselves.

Unfortunately, agreeing to disagree and engaging in constructive dialogue are losing their allure in Western culture, being replaced by a knee-jerk reactivity characterized by a high-pitch, ever-escalating level of disrespect, incivility, meanness and personal attack.

The question beneath the question is: why are so may so uncivil? Shakespeare said, “An event is neither good nor bad, only thinking makes it so.”

The question beneath the question
So, “What am I thinking?” is an apt question. “What’s going on in me that brings me to act in an uncivil manner?”

In a word, fear. Fear that I’ll loose my identity, fear that I’ll be relegated to the ranks of “a nobody,” fear that no one will “see” me. And, in this fear state, the logical, thinking, rational, executive part of the brain shuts down while the reptilian, reactive emotional brain takes over and induces one to a fight, flight or freeze response. What we’re experiencing so much today is the unconscious, knee-jerk “fight” response.

Becoming conscious
So, how does one become more conscious of one’s often self-limiting and self-destructive “fighting” response? By consciously being curious about what’s underneath one’s choice to be uncivil, mean, disrespectful, and demeaning. By recognizing that one’s uncivil behavior is about needing to feel “seen” and “heard.”

In our culture of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, win vs. lose, and me vs. you, there is less and less room for “fighters” to accept differences. So, to survive as “somebody,” they resort to “ad hominem” attacks, threats and “put-downs” as a way to save their identity, feel better, by hoping to make the other a “nobody” – and by operating from a place of always needing be “right” – no matter what, no matter how.

The fighter, enmeshed in a reactive state of anger, fear, worry, resentment, defensiveness, feeling “small,” unseen, invisible, unrecognized, and unappreciated – a potential “nobody” – needs to “act out,” to make their point and feel secure and in control.

Becoming conscious means choosing to create an environment, an interaction, where one accepts and appreciates the uniqueness of another’s perspective, point of view, position or premise without automatically assuming a “me vs. you,” “intelligent vs. stupid,” “right vs. wrong,” or “good vs. bad” approach to dialogue.

Becoming conscious means choosing to move away from one’s intellectual zip code (“It’s all about me and what I know or think.”) and approach discussions and interactions with the curiosity of a “beginner’s mind,” a neutral mind, a curiosity, asking, for example, “How so?” to engage, rather than alienate another.

Becoming conscious means taking a deep breath, sensing into the body, experiencing (not acting out on) feelings and emotions, not being reactive and asking, “Why would a reasonable, intelligent, decent person like me consciously choose to be disrespectful, uncivil, mean and harm another person simply because their “information” is different from my “information?”

Be the change
Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.” So, if you find yourself engaging in uncivil, disrespectful, demeaning behavior, perhaps be curious as to why.

Rumi says, “Out beyond right doing and wrong doing, there is a field; I’ll meet you there.” – and respond from that place, interacting from that part of our self leads to respectful, accepting, compassionate, empathic, and civil interaction and dialogue.

We can choose to play in that field with our friends, colleagues, co-workers, even with those with whom we disagree. Or we can choose to engage and fight in a battlefield of words, ego, hostility and lost (or mistaken) identity. The former brings happiness, collegiality, collaboration, contentment and well-being – mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The latter leads to deeper pain, suffering and disconnection on every level.

Incivility, rudeness and meanness are all about “resistance” to someone or something “out there” with which one feels threatened and uncomfortable. Incivility and rudeness are unconscious, reactive behaviors stemming from the fear of loss of control, recognition and security. Incivility and negativity are largely about being right rather than happy, or about being a “somebody by making another a “nobody.”

The conscious question is “Why do I choose to be reactive, hurtful, negative and uncivil? Why? Really, really why? The conscious, deeper, sincere, honest and self-responsible answer will indicate it’s never – ever – about “him, her, it or them.”

Hmmm. That leaves only – me.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil, demeaning, or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify your behavior? How so?
• How do you generally interact with folks who disagree with you?
• Do you live life at work, at home, at play and in relationship from an “I need to be right” perspective? Would you generally rather be right than happy? If so, why do you think that’s so?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How so?
• Do you ever rationalize or justify another’s uncivil or disrespectful behavior? If so, how or why?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil or disrespectful manner? If so, how did you respond to their accusations?
• How did you learn to deal with disagreement as you were growing up? How did your parents deal with disagreement, either with one another, or when interacting with others who disagreed?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible folks respond to disagreement without being uncivil, bullying, angry, enraged, or otherwise disrespectful? What would that look like, sound like, feel like and be like?

 

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Unexamined Life is not Worth Living

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book

Socrates made this comment at his trial for heresy. He was on trial for encouraging his students to challenge the accepted beliefs of the time and to think for themselves. His sentence was death and Socrates did have the option of suggesting an alternative punishment – he could have chosen life in prison or exile, and would likely have avoided death.

Socrates, however, believed that these alternatives would rob him of the only thing that made life useful – examining the world around him and discussing how to make the world a better place. Without his “examined life” there was no point in living. Thus, he suggested that Athens reward him for his service to society. The result, of course, is that they had no alternative – they voted for the death penalty.

At his trial in 399BC, Socrates declared that from his incessant questioning (to become the “Socratic Method”), he found his contemporaries “spend” their time and their lives  pursuing various goals — money, ambition, possessions, pleasure, physical security  – without asking themselves if these goals were important. Unless people posed such a question and seriously, consciously, sought the answer — through careful reflection, alert observation and critical arguments — they would not know if they were doing the right thing.

The truth is, most folks avoid leading an examined life. It’s not that they don’t have time or make time. They actively choose not to examine their lives. Curious.

People who do examine their lives, who consciously think about where they’ve been, how they got here, and where they’re going, are much happier people. No one has all the answers. And no one’s life is free from trouble, strife and challenges. But those who have some sense of where they belong in the universe also have a ground for understanding how all the elements of their life fit together.

If there are two people, one with a map and one without a map, who has the better chance of reaching their destination? The one with the map, of course.

When you set aside time to examine your life,

• you get to choose your destination;
• you get to choose and set your goals;
• you get to determine your path and direction;
• you get to decide how long it will take;
• you get to decide whether you’re on the right path or the wrong path.

In other words, you begin to know “thyself,” to take control of your life, to become the Master of your life. You decide who you want to be and begin to become the person you want to be.

Examining your life brings tremendous freedom. You can take control of your life. All you have to do is set aside some time every day (15 minutes, a half hour, an hour…) and commit to the practice.

The hardest thing about examining your life is getting started. You have to sit alone, be still, and be OK with doing nothing but focus and reflect.

Socrates doesn’t mince words. He doesn’t say that the unexamined life is “less meaningful than it could be” or “one of many possible responses to human existence.” He simply and clearly says it’s not even worth living – a powerful statement.

Why does he make such strong, unequivocal statement?

Socrates believed that the purpose of human life is personal and spiritual growth, that permeates all of our be-ings and do-ings – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. We are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true and real self, our authentic self, unless we take time to examine and reflect upon our life. As another philosopher, Santayana, observed, “He who does not remember the past is condemned to repeat it.”

Examining our life reveals patterns of behavior. Deeper contemplation yields understanding of our subconscious programming, the powerful mental software that runs our life – our self-limiting beliefs, our assumptions, our “stories,” our misconceptions and misconceptions about life, the world and people in the world – our world – at work, at home, at play and in relationship Unless we become aware of these limiting, self-sabotaging, self-defeating patterns, habits, beliefs, self-images, “stories” and perspectives, much of our life remains rote, “unconscious,” just a series of sleepwalking, unconscious, habitual, repeating patterns.

As a coach, I experience many examples of the effect of an unexamined life. I remember Lori, a sensitive, attractive woman in her late forties who realized that a series of repetitive, doomed-from-the-beginning relationships had used up so many years of her life that it was now too late for her to realize her dream of a husband, home and family of her own. I recall Chris, a caring, hard-working man who ignored his wife and family for too many years and found himself depressed and living alone in an apartment by the time he came to see me.

If only Lori and Chris had taken the time to examine and reflect upon their lives as they were living them, they might have made changes and had a different experience during their lifetime.

The good news is that it’s never too late to start examining our life more thoroughly – and to reap the rewards. Lori never had the child she wanted but she stopped recreating her past and eventually married a loving man who helped her heal her childhood wound of a father who deserted her. It was too late for Chris to get a second chance with his wife, but he was able to build strong relationships with his children.

We all have blind spots. Sometimes when we examine a chronic problem in our life, we have that unsettling feeling that we must be missing something, but we can’t quite see what it is. We try to examine ourselves, but none of us can see our own “shadow” or our blind spots.

That’s why Socrates’ method of self-examination included an essential element that became known as “Socratic” dialogue. Dialoguing with a close friend, a spouse, a partner, a skilled coach, or counselor who supports us to reveal those blind spots we cannot see by ourselves.

Our society discourages self-awareness with a weekly cycle of working and consuming that keeps us too busy to slow down for self-reflection. Consumer capitalism’s game plan prefers an unaware, unconscious, and vaguely dissatisfied and subtly agitated population that tries to fill the void inside with shiny new products, or designer clothes or food, Reality TV shows, exercise, alcohol, sex or workaholism

It’s a radical act to stop and contemplate your life. But according to Socrates, it’s the only game that really matters. Are you up for playing?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Can you name three six-month goals, three annual goals and three lifetime goals you are currently pursuing? If not, could you? Would you?
• Is your short-term life/work plan tonight and your long-term life/work plan next Friday? If this typifies your current lifestyle, what’s wrong with this picture? How so?
• Do you take time on a regular basis to reflect on where’re you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re heading in your life vis-a-vis your career, your relationship, your life at play, your personal and professional development? If you don’t reflect regularly, why not. (Tip: “no time” is an “excuse”, not a “reason”.)
• What value and worth to you derive from your life at work, at home, at play and from your relationship with your spouse/partner?
• How do you feel about examining your life? Curious, adventurous, excited….afraid, anxious, resistant, guilty? How so?
• What would it take for you to begin spending 15 minutes every day in quiet, in solitude, and explore your life?

————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Difference between Happy and Have*

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

(*attributed to PAULO COELHO

An American businessman was at the pier of a small Caribbean coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied only a little while. The businessman then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish

The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time The fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play the guitar with my friends; I have a full and busy life, sir.

The businessman scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move open in a larger city, then LA, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise.

The fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?” To which the businessman replied, “15-20 years.”

What then, senor? The businessman laughed and said that’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich; you would make millions.

“Millions, senor?  “Then what”, asked the fisherman?

The businessman said, “Then, you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar.”

The fisherman responded to the businessman, “That’s what I am doing now without going through the effort for another 15 – 20 years. Why should I struggle to get the same which I am already having now in my life?”

Interestingly, the businessman had no answer for that!

The difference between “happy” and “have” is one of the hardest lessons in life learn.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Does your happiness lie in material comforts and wealth? If so, when do you think you’ll have accumulated the right amount of “stuff?”
• Are you currently “happy” with what you have achieved in your life?
• Are you happy with who you are? Do you identify yourself by your achievements, by what you have?
• Who might you be without all your stuff?
• Do you believe happiness is an “inside job?”
• There is a difference between being “wealthy” and being “rich.” Any idea what that difference might be?

————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Valentine’s Day – Just Candy and Flowers?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Valentine’s Day is quite upon us. It’s a time when the majority of us turn our thoughts to hearts, flowers, cards and candy. For many of us, it’s a time of expressing through “things” what we find hard to say with words. For many of us, speaking from the heart and expressing our sentiments is challenging or uncomfortable, so, “we say it with flowers.”

Many of us long to be able to look our partner in the eye and say what’s in our hearts, to be completely open, to be transparent. Many of us long for the intimacy that allows connecting without words, an intimacy that allows connecting with but a loving glance or a loving touch.

Many of us long to be in relationship…not just “acquaintanceship.”

Many of us long to be wrapped up within each other’s heart and soul and not just caught up in the wrapping of our partner’s “packaging.”

So, this Valentine’s Day, it might be a welcome opportunity to take some time for self-reflection and consider what your ideal relationship would really, really be like, right here, right now…not somewhere down the road…in the future. After all, the future begins now.

So, some questions to inquire about?

Do you see your relationship as a “problem to be solved,” or as an adventure to embrace together?

Do you see conflict as a friend and opportunity for growth or connection, or as a pain in the butt?

Does your partner support your becoming “whole,” or as someone who keeps you from being all that you can be…on every level?

Are you willing to cross the bridge to “meet” your partner, or are you only waiting for your partner to come to your side?

Do you recognize that your partner’s bewildering behavior is a cry for your help, or do you see his or her behavior as an irritant that only results in your resistance or resentment?

Do you recognize that every frustration is a gift for your relationship?

Do you and your partner honestly, sincerely and openly dream your dreams together?

Can you and your partner gently and lovingly hold one another’s hand, or do you need to grasp on tightly and chain your partner’s soul to your way of be-ing and do-ing?

How do you view love? Does love allow you to stand tall and upright or does love mean “leaning” on the other?

Do you accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a man, or with the grief or resentment or begrudging of a child?

So, on this Valentine’s Day, can you plant your own garden without waiting for someone to bring you the flowers?

On this Valentine’s Day, can you experience your own sweetness without waiting for someone to bring you the candy?

On this Valentine’s Day, how are you in relationship with your own heart? Can you look in the mirror at your own reflection and say: “I love you with all my heart; I am complete?” or do you “need someone else” to complete you?

Do cards, candy, and flowers create your sense of well-being, or can they simply the icing on the cake of a full, and complete heart, your own full and complete heart?

On this Valentine’s Day, are you in relationship or in acquaintanceship? How do you know?

Perhaps, take some time and ask your heart where your heart is this Valentine’s Day, and be still, and listen. What is your heart telling you?

————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing”  is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Trust in the Workplace and Why We Lie

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Like it or not, believe it or not, we bring our biology and biography to work, i.e., we bring our “family” and history to work. It’s a fact of psycho/emotional life – even at work.

So, at work, many of the folks we interact with, in some way, (consciously or unconsciously, emotionally, energetically and psychologically) remind us of members of our families.

Early wounding
As young children we learned to act/respond in ways that (1) brought us mommy and daddy’s love, approval, acceptance and acknowledgement and/or (2) kept us safe from harm, trauma or abuse. As children, it’s also a fact of life that everyone is “wounded” by parents or primary caregivers who are doing their best, but, nevertheless – unintentionally – are wounding, harming or traumatizing their child in some way through their language, judgments, criticisms, verbal, emotional or physical abuse. This is true even in those households on Candy-Cane Lane where everything was “just beautiful and loving and no one raised their voice.” In childhood, wounding occurs.

The wounding imprint
Thus the child grows up with an imprint on their brain and carries an emotional make-up in their body that translates into feelings -feelings they are deficient, lacking, unworthy or not good enough. As the child enters into adolescence, they have come to “know” or “believe” they need to think and act in certain ways to protect their self from others- real or perceived disapproval, negative judgment, criticism or verbal or physical harm.

The 3-4-5-year-old adult
So, we now fast-forward to adult life at work (and, truth be told, at home, at play and in most relationships). Since most folks who have not done personal work are usually unaware of these childhood experiences and the resulting psychodynamics, many folks are really acting out their 3-4-5 year old emotional selves in adult bodies, wearing adult clothes – especially those who insist, “Hey I am adult; I am mature, I am! I am! I am!”

So, when these individuals face people, circumstances  or events at work that can affect whether or not they receive the energetic, emotional and psychological equivalent of “mommy or daddy’s” love, acceptance or approval, their knee-jerk reptilian brain reactively compels them to “do what it takes” to “get the love.”

Consciously and unconsciously, feeling deficient, feeling lacking, feeling unworthy and feeling afraid that truth-telling might end in some type of  “punishment,”  disapproval or rejection, they resort to lying as one option or defense to deflect “being punished” and losing the love and acceptance they truly want and are seeking.

The AHAs
When folks do personal growth, and spiritual awareness work, they often discover the various ways they have donned masks, veils, and put on false personalities to cover up their sense of “I’m deficient,” “I’m not good enough” or “I need to make people like me” beliefs and self-images. With personal work, self-awareness, they uncover or discover the truth of why they are who they are as adults. With this awareness, they can then shed their self-limiting beliefs, their masks and their need to lie. They begin to see the false self-images they created to protect themselves and learn how to “show up” as authentic, as their true and real self and “tell the truth” first, to themselves and then, to others.

The truth will set you free
From this place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturation, a place where the “truth sets one free,” folks move to a place of being real, a place they experience as refreshing, light, and honest. In this place, they have no need for duplicity, disingenuineness, faking, phoniness, or fear. And, amazingly and refreshingly, they discover “telling the truth is not as bad as I thought.” As the expression goes, “The Truth shall set you free.”

The deeper question, the curiosity, is why so many of us refuse to believe the truth will set us free.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What was truth-telling like when you were growing up? (for you, your primary caregivers, relatives, friends, etc.)? How so?
• When did you first discover you had a need to lie?
• What did lying get you? Specifically?
• Did anyone teach you how to lie? How so?
• So, today, where/when do you find yourself lying? How so?
• Do you ever admonish others for lying? When and why?
• When you lie, do you blame it on events or circumstances and not your character?
• When others lie, do you blame it on the events and circumstances in their life or on some character flaw they have?
• Would you say you’re a trustworthy person?
• Are you a trusting person?
• Has anyone ever told you they can’t trust you? If so, what was that like?
• Do you lie to yourself? About what?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Work, Play or Misery?

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

In the current economy, it seems obvious that having a job – any job – is better than having no job at all. But is that really true?

In the Journal Occupational Environmental Medicine, a study by Dr Peter Butterworth, a senior research fellow at the Centre for Mental Health Research at the Australian National University found that as far as mental health is concerned, some jobs are so demoralizing that they’re worse than having no job at all. While the study was conducted a few years back, the findings are as valid today as they were then, perhaps even moreso.

The study followed more than 7,000 Australians over a seven-year period. It found that people who had been unemployed felt calmer, happier, less depressed and less anxious after they had found a job. But not just any job. They only felt better is that job was rewarding and manageable.

In exploring individuals’ mental state, employment status, and (if they had a job) working conditions they either enjoyed, or didn’t enjoy, the survey respondents were asked to what degree they agreed with statements such as “My job is complex and difficult” and “I worry about the future of my job.”

The research pinpointed four job characteristics linked with mental health: work complexity and demands, job security, compensation, and – crucially – control over one’s job (i.e, the freedom to decide how best to do it).

Recently-unemployed people who rated their job positive in these areas reported substantial improvements in their mental health. However, those newly employed who felt overwhelmed, insecure about their job stability, underpaid, and micromanaged reported sharp declines in their mental health, including increased depression and anxiety. Interestingly, those who couldn’t find a job fared better.

So the conventional wisdom, that “any job offers psychological benefits for individuals over the demoralizing effects of unemployment” – or any work is better than no work at all – is just not true.

What’s more, Dr Butterworth also suggests that certain jobs and job environments (notably call centers) are more likely to adversely affect one’ mental health.

Finally, the study suggests something that most of us know all too well. Namely, that managers have a direct impact on employees’ mental health and well-being. “Bad bosses will make anybody unhappy – and – stress comes from bad managers.”

And this brings me to a second, related point.

Marshall Goldsmith, the world-renowned executive coach, recently explored (in a piece in Business Week) why folks work. He asked, “Do you work to live or live to work?” (given the notion that most folks spend at least one-third to one-half of their waking hours at work).

In this vein, Mr Goldsmith asked a number of leaders how they viewed their work. They had three choices; they estimated the percentage of work that fell into three categories (you might want to give this a try yourself):

Play – work is fun; would do this regardless of whether or not you were paid to do it; it provides an outlet for creative energy or self-development and self-actualization.

Work – not play, not fun but work which you would do if you were reasonably compensated for it and work towards which you are committed.

Misery – not fun and no amount of money could make it fun; often tasks or activities you would attempt to avoid.

Here’s what Goldsmith found.

• 15 percent of what professionals do is considered play;
• 75 percent of what professionals do is considered work;
• 10 percent of what professionals do is considered misery.

So if our mental health can be put at risk depending on how we spend our time at work, what should we do about it? Generally, when you explore your life at work (and you might also consider at home, at play and in relationship as well), consider those activities that bring you fun (real fun, not faux, a “make-believe-this-is-fun” appearance of fun) and those that bring you some flavor of misery.

To do so, first clarify your natural tendencies related to how you interact with your world, so you can make better life and work choices and decisions.

Second, reflect on whether you are a good fit for what you choose to do in your life – both at work and at home. Do you ever make choices that really don’t fit you very well because you feel that you have to make them – and then resign yourself to living a life of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What proportion of your work would you define as “fun,” “work” or “misery.” Are you OK with this?
• What proportion of your relationship would you define as “fun,” “work” (in the sense that it “works” you and you “work” it to keep it conscious and healthy) and “misery?” Are you OK with this?
• If you’re uncomfortable with any of the above, what steps can you take to move in a direction that would make you more comfortable (and “leaving” is an option)?
• How much freedom do you have on your job? How about in your relationship (really, do you ever wish you had more freedom)?
• Is your mental health suffering due to your job or your relationship?
• Are you worried about your job? About your relationship? If so, why?

Third, do you know yourself very well – over and above your “packaging” and “trappings?” Do you understand your personality, your motivation, your triggers and the values that underpin your choices, actions and behaviors?

Often, “fun,” “work” and “misery” are functions of one’s personality or inherent traits. And being a square peg in a round hole is a recipe for misery, not fun – anywhere. Moreover, often the “square peg” is not ready, willing or able to adapt in order to make work more fun and less miserable.

So, does your life at work (and, yes, even at home, at play and in relationship) really, really fit your personality and style? Does your life at work (and at home) tend towards the “misery” side of the equation more than it does the “fun” or even “work” side? (“Work” in the context of a relationship meaning it is worth the effort to be in a relationship.) Every (worthwhile and healthy) relationship demands “work” – you work it; it works you.

Your mental health and well-being depend on how honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly you explore these questions and discern how much of your life is fun, honest “work,” and how much is just plain, unadulterated misery.

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is – maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Experiencing Loss

 Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Loss isn’t easy. It’s challenging to understand the purpose or meaning behind loss. We’re witnessing a tremendous amount of chaos, destruction and disharmony on the planet – man-made and natural – every time we read the papers, listen to the radio, go online or watch TV. Many of are us affected by what we hear, read and see.

The question most often asked in response to difficult events and circumstances is, “Why did this happen?” Actually, this is not the most appropriate question to ask, as very often we have no clue as to why “bad things happen.”  More appropriately, two other  questions can help us understand: (1) “Why is this happening FOR me?” and (2) “What can I/we learn from what has happened?” Underneath the questions is trusting that everything happens for a reason, a purpose.

There’s a life principle that says when something negative happens, something is out of alignment and that something needs to change in order to be in harmony with the bigger picture, that is, there is something I/we need to learn in order to do our part in bringing about the needed change, the required balance and harmony.

Since we are all connected to everyone and everything (as everything was/is created form the same source) what occurs to others does in some way also affect us. What happens on the planet is universal in nature, “speaking” to all of humanity. For example, reflecting on the significance of a hurricane, an earthquake, flood, destructive fires, or other “disasters” can help us gain some deeper (i.e., more than intellectual)  perspectives that might help us learn from these experiences and serve us well for the future.

Death, injury and destruction of property, loss of any kind, in fact, teaches us about “loss.” We experience loss in order to see more clearly what we value, where our values come from and what is of greatest value.

Upon reflection, loss of family and friends through death or separation, points to our own mortality, and teaches us to live life more fully in the present and be grateful for the people and experiences in our life.

Loss through experience of injury reminds us that pain and limitation are opportunities to learn lessons, reflect and awaken potentials within ourselves. On a more conscious level, or deeper level, we understand the soul never suffers “injury” and our deeper self, our soul, provides support, strength, courage, and understanding – qualities that support us when we know our body cannot do everything we want.

Loss through destruction of property and things we own reminds us that material things are temporary. (I often refer to folks who hope and pray that, when the end comes, their hearses will have luggage racks!). This type of loss teaches us to take care of what we have. Too, this type of loss can remind us to discriminate between what we need and what we desire.

The Buddhists tell us that pain and suffering (mental, emotional, physical, and psychological) often occur when we have indiscriminately accumulated far more than what we need and have been obsessed or controlled by our possessions. (Do you know that the self-storage business in the U.S is a multi-billion dollar a year business!)

Loss makes people turn within – leading us to connect to our fears, our values, our hopes and expectations. But more than anything, loss connects us with our fragility and vulnerability.

In the end, loss is an experience of being wounded. That is, we experience loss as feelings and emotions – feelings and emotions when honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly explored and inquired into often tell us we need to re-evaluate our relationships – how we feel about and connect with life and other people, at work, at home and at play.

On a level of higher consciousness, one of the more significant meanings of “natural disasters” is to put us in right relationship to nature. Disasters give us perspective – humility, often –  in that they make us realize that we are not the center of the universe (damn!, many folks will say), that we are not in control and cannot control everything that happens, that we are part of a greater dynamic, complex life that is much bigger and more powerful than we are.

Disasters are also a “tug on our sleeve” letting us know that nature is powerful and if we don’t respect and align with it we can cause more destruction through not taking responsibility for abusing our environment.

When (if?) we realize this, we must ask ourselves how to live harmoniously within life. We must also ask ourselves what is important in life and what we ought to be spending our time, energy and money doing and supporting.

Experiences of loss can be quite humiliating, which essentially means putting us in our place so that we can relate appropriately. We humans tend to be rather arrogant in our efforts to control.

Loss is always a time of renewal. Renewal must first take place within our thoughts. We must re-think our lives and make decisions that will better serve our purpose than continue to cater to, and be driven by, our need for comfort and control. Loss provides an opportunity to begin creating a new future in which we may create new ways of looking at relating to our self, to others, and to the planet.

We can do this only if our thinking goes in the direction of awakening feelings of responsibility toward the environment, and feelings of equality, acceptance and respect toward our fellow humans at work, at home and at play.

Loss prompts us to restore right relationships. As long as we think we can control everything it will be proven to us that we cannot. As long as we disregard the fact that we are part of nature, we will suffer the disconnections. As long as we judge ourselves superior to others or be judgmental toward them, that inequality will be challenged and we will experience fear of others in some way, shape or form. It’s this fear that will motivate us to do some things that are harmful to others and to ourselves.

Our disregard or ignorance of right relationships blocks the soul from expression but at the same time evokes its presence. Let experiences and feelings of loss teach us the needed lessons so that we can live life from a deeper place and have it infuse our minds, hearts and behaviors with empowering, confident, intelligent caring, concern, compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What can you learn (or have you learned) about yourself from losses, about your values, about how you relate to others, to things?
• What deeper heart-felt qualities do you need to express as a result?
• Who or what are you attached to? Who would you become if you lost or let go of these attachments?
• Are you a collector of stuff?
• Do you ever reflect on your own mortality? If so, what is/was that like?
• Do you sometimes feel or act as though you are the center of the Universe? If so, why?
• Do you have a need to control? If so, why?
• What are your top ten values? Why? What do these values get you?

—————————————————–
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Experiencing Well-Be-ing in 2019 — Facing the Truth

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”
– Herbert Agar

Think of change this way. Grasp a rubber band between the thumb and forefinger of your right hand and between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand. Think of this rubber band as your life. Now stretch the rubber band. Think of the right hand as representing new ways of do-ing, be-ing and having. Think of your left hand as representing old or current ways of do-ing, be-ing and having.

Each time you stretch to act in some new way, your left hand (your mind, your body and your brain) are pulling you back into old patterns. The sole reason 98% of the folks who resolve to change in the New Year fail by Valentine’s Day is their falling back into old ways, patterns, of do-ing, be-ing and having. The pull to passivity, to the same old patterns of do-ing and be-ing is just too powerful. Their challenge of something new, i.e., change, is trumped by their need for familiarity, safety, security – their need to NOT change.

The truth about change

“The truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.”
-Han Suyin

So, the truth about change. Making changes in one’s life is challenging! If you decide your life is more interesting, more satisfying, happier and more worth living by not changing, that is your choice. But, you can’t have it both ways – I hate my life and I don’t want to change. That’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing in the same way, over and over again, and expecting different results each time. Insanity is a choice.

Taking time (perhaps five minutes, ten minutes or thirty minutes) on a consistent basis to act in a new way doesn’t sound difficult, but it is! Being honest and serious about your life is difficult, because we’ve not learned how to express love for ourselves. But, if you can’t take some minutes for yourself on a consistent basis, there’s a 100% chance you won’t be capable of changing your lifestyle or life patterns, because you’re not going to feel you’re worth it.

So, here are some truths I and my coaching clients have faced over the years, truths which have supported us to change and transform our lives in ways that have resulted in a greater sense of well-be-ing. Facing these truths in an honest, sincere, and self-responsible way, with love and compassion for yourself will jump start your journey towards meaningful change and transformation.

Connect to your life force

Your life force is an energy. It’s real. Your life force is what provides you with the qualities of self-love, compassion, forgiveness, strength, courage, will, discipline, steadfastness, wisdom, truth, deep listening, right understanding and right action (notwithstanding those who say it’s all about willpower). To connect to your life force, it’s important to engage in some type of spiritual practice – meditation (sitting or walking), energy work such as yoga, tai chi or martial arts, self-reflection or contemplation, quietude and silence, or journaling. A spiritual practice is not about religion or theology. I know atheists who have a spiritual practice; I know avowed religious folks who don’t. The truth is, touching in on a regular basis to our deeper self results in experiencing a deeper sense of well-be-ing that supports us in time of challenge and gives us a sense of grounding, peace and calm with which we approach life and make healthy life choices and changes.

Live in a real community

If you find yourself spending more and more time engaged in online social networks, if you live much of your life communing with “friends” on Facebook, Instagram, and in virtual communities, there’s a better than average chance you’re real-world social skills may be eroding. You may find yourself turning down more and more invitations to “real” social events or feeling more uncomfortable when you do engage. You may find your social skills when engaging with “real” people are diminishing. You may find yourself “holding up” in your home more and more, venturing outside less and less. The truth is, a healthy sense of well-be-ing comes from interacting and engaging in community; real, not fake, community. Our personal growth and positive mental, emotional and psychological health and well-be-ing feeds on the nourishment we get from conscious interaction with others.

Eat to live; exercise for health

Do you eat to live or live to eat? What’s your diet like? Most everyone knows what a healthy diet looks like. The health of our mind-body-spirit unit cannot maintain without a healthy diet. I’ve come across countless folks over the years who exercise to extreme so they can “pig out,” gorge themselves, and eat unhealthily. So, in the morning, they run, go to the gym, exercise at home so they can dive into unhealthy food and drink at night. Then, it’s the guilt and shame. So, the next day, extreme exercise and unhealthy eating or drinking – a mental, physical, emotional and psychological roller-coaster lifestyle that results in anything but a healthy sense of well-being. Not to mention the emotional inner turmoil that erupts when one skips a day of exercising, but not a day of unhealthy eating or drinking. I’ve seen countless folks come out of the gym being angry, unhappy and sad even after a “great workout.” They may be in good shape, but many are not in good psycho/emotional/spiritual health.

The truth is that being in good shape, but poor emotional and psychological health, is bound to lead to a life of self-hate, self-loathing, and utter unhappiness and frustration. Asking one’s self, honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly why one diets and exercises, or does not healthily diet or exercise, will help one move into a diet and exercise lifestyle that is healthy – physically, emotionally and spiritually. Is exercising and dieting about true and real health or something else? The “something else” usually leads to consistent emotional upset, frustration and failure.

Conscious intention, commitment and focus

“One must know oneself; if this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life and there is nothing better.”
-Blaise Pascal

The truth is, without being “conscious” of who and how one wants to be, without being intentional and focused in every moment of change, the forces of old habits and patterns will take over, reducing change to a small idea in a tiny brain molecule – magical thinking at best.

Some important questions to ask are: “Why am I choosing to change?” “Do I have any hunch or instinct I won’t be able to keep my intention or change?” The truth is many folks want to change to impress or please someone else. If this is the case in your situation, a deeper exploration of what’s underneath your desire to please others is in order. “Why do I need to please others and have others’ approval?” “What does pleasing others get me?” “Who would I be and how would I feel if I didn’t please others?” “Do I love myself as I am, right here and right now?”

My mind is not me, but mine

On the other hand, if you’re honestly and sincerely committed and intentional about your choice to change, consistently monitoring your thoughts can support you in your change efforts. When you want to run faster, longer, and harder (when you know it leads to injury or burnout), when you want to eat the whole bag of M&Ms (when you know you’ll be upset with yourself afterwards), when you want to have another cigarette (when you know it’s unhealthy), when you want to spend the extra $100 (when you can’t afford it and it jeopardizes your credit score), monitor your thinking and explore what mental messages you’re hearing, what your Inner Judge and critic is saying, what old rationale is arising to rationalize acting in ways that are self-sabotaging.

The truth is, you are in control of your mind, not the other way around. If you stay “awake'” and ask yourself questions like: “Why am I choosing this?” “Is this really supportive of my choice to change?” “Am I choosing to sabotage myself and if so why?,” you’ll come to a deeper understanding of your behaviors that are self-sabotaging and slowly be able to wean yourself away from old patterns and limiting beliefs that keep you from changing .

Consistency and specifics, not extremes

The truth is, change comes in small steps and for most, there are steps backwards. The name of the well-be-ing game is consistency – moving forward on a conscious and consistent basis. One obstacle that interferes with change is making the mistake of “moving away” rather  than “moving towards.” In other words, focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. The energy of moving toward a goal is more alive, juicy, positive, enthusiastic, exciting and motivating than the energy of moving away which is often heavy, negative, and unpleasant.

Another obstacle is acting in extremes: exercising every day (rather than – for example – at least) three days a week and increasing time incrementally, meditating for an hour (rather than starting with five minutes and increasing time slowing); reading the whole book (rather than beginning a chapter, or reading a chapter every few days). The problem here is that our ego gets in the way and our ego’s need for perfection to impress ourselves or others dooms us to failure. The truth about achievement is to start slow, baby steps, be gentle with ourselves, and move forward incrementally and consistently. How does a mouse eat a round of cheese? One small bite at a time. It works!

Finally, use the word “choose” instead of want or need. The energy of choosing is self-empowering and gives you ownership. The truth is change is about feeling light and emotionally free, not about feeling needy for security, control or others’ approval. Consistency allows the brain to create the new neurological pathways that have to be ingrained for new ways of do-ing and be-ing to become habitual. No consistency, no change. Extremes only lead to failure.

Time

“Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you’re one who says your life is out of your control, that you don’t have enough time in your day to get things done, that you waste your time watching TV or hanging out online to an extreme, the truth is that you’re doing a poor job at self-management. Time management is NEVER about time. Repeat, NEVER! It’s about self-management. Time is the symptom; “me” is the problem. When we work on self-management and self-regulation from a conscious, proactive (not reactive) place, time then ceases to be an issue.

The truth is, our values or lack of them play a large role when making choices as to what to do, how and when. When our choices are based on values that are murky and misguided, our efforts lead to confusion, mistakes, “so-called” self-defeating multitasking and chaos – “inside” and out. With respect to priorities, the truth is, many folks ask the wrong question, i.e., “What’s next?” instead of the needed question, “What’s first?”. Lack of self-management skills and clear values produces a lack of clarity and direction so everything is next, everything is urgent and important,  and we know this perspective often leads to inner and outer upset and dis-ease.

 Support

I know of very few people who have been able to make honest and lasting change by themselves. Very few. Most folks who succeed with change have a support system of one kind or another. A support system helps us overcome the immune system many of us have towards change. The truth is going it alone hardly ever produces real and lasting change. Who is your support? Are they nonjudgmental? Are they affirming? Do you feel safe talking about your life with them? Do they help you gain clarity?

Living with awareness

“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves into crustal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

When we are in touch with our deeper Inner Self, we become free(er) and this sense of freedom helps us make those change that bring lightness within. Awareness supports us to become more center-focused and allows us to discern what serves us from what does not.

The one major element that we can truly control in our life is self-awareness, the awareness that says “I’m the master of my life,” the awareness that brings meaning and purpose to our journey on the planet, the awareness that supports us to move forward along the right path. The truth is, without self-awareness, chaos rules our lives and with chaos comes unhappiness, unfulfilled dreams and unmet goals, confusion, overwhelm and stress.

So, what’s the truth about you and your life? What’s the truth about the stories you tell yourself about why change is so hard and frustrating? About your definition of “insanity?”

The final truth

Most people are free-falling through their lives, ping-ponging from one crisis to the next. Living in this type of spiral leaves no room for conscious living.

The real truth about lasting change and transformation is that true change, transformation and sense of well-be-ing comes with self-awareness and a healthy integration of the body, mind, spirit. Change is a reality that can happen in every moment of our lives, every moment of every life – but only if we are aware of it and see the truth of “who I am” and “how I am” as I live my life.

Why so much emphasis on the truth? Simple. The truth shall set you free.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who are you (can you describe this without defining yourself by what you “do”)?
• How do you feel when you define yourself?
• What do you want?
• How do you feel when you define what you want?
• Where are you in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship and, why are you there?
• How do you feel when you describe where you are and why you’re there?
• Who are your allies in life?
• What are the “truths” about you and your life?
• How do you feel when you speak the truth of your life?
• Do you have a spiritual practice?
• Is time your friend or enemy? Why?
• At which end of the rubber band do you live most of your life? Why?
• Is your social community more real or virtual?
• Are you optimistic or pessimistic about your life in 2019? Why?
• On a scale of 1-10, where are you when it comes to experiencing a real sense of well-be-ing?
• Can you visualize a world where you are moving effortlessly and consistently toward personal change and transformation?

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”
-Galileo

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“I think; therefore, I am……not”

 Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Rene Descartes, a highly influential French philosopher, mathematician, scientist, and writer, known as the “Father of Modern Philosophy,” coined the phrase, “I think; therefore I am” (borrowing from the Latin  “Cogito, ergo sum.”

Fast forward to today, and most folks live according to a variation of this phrase, namely, “I think; therefore I am who I think I am.”

The question beneath the question is: “On what basis am I who I think I am?”

Picture a motherboard, or a systemboard – the piece of electronic equipment that runs many electronic and computerized devices. If you’ve ever seen a motherboard or system board, you”ll see it’s not smooth; rather, there are numerous nodes, diodes, and other small metal and plastic structures soldered to it. These various structures contain all of the programming and commands that allow the computer or electronic device to function.

Now, assume your brain is a motherboard. Here’s another question:

If, when you were born, your motherboard (your brain) were, indeed, completely smooth, i.e., with no structures containing programming or commands on it, how did it happen that you have the thoughts, beliefs, worldviews, assumptions, expectations, inferences, biases, and most importantly, the values, you now have – that is, where did all the nodes, diodes and structures on your motherboard you use to navigate life and the world come from?

This is an especially important question if you are someone who considers themselves to be:

A free thinker
Spontaneous
Independent
Open-minded
Conscious
A “nobody’s gonna tell me how to do/be/have” type of individual

Those of us who have convinced ourselves we have created our own motherboards from scratch would be well-served to perhaps “think again” – and, perhaps, really think and reflect for the first time.

In our world at work, at home, at play and in relationship, we all have specific beliefs and viewpoints that drive our behaviors.

In other words, we have a set of values, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, and expectations, ” etc (nodes, diodes, programming, etc.) that support our stories about how we feel about such things as:

At work: delegation, giving and receiving feedback, vision and mission planing, relating and socializing, honesty, cheating, glass ceilings, intellectual property, hiring and firing, listening, open communication, career, collaborating and competing, diversity and including, etc.

At home: chores, sex, money, fidelity, children, in-laws, cooking and diet, cleaning, organization, trust, exercise, travel, God, etc.

At play: types of games/sports; team vs. individual, cheating, winning and losing, practicing, etc.

In relationship: commitment, honesty, trust, safety, communication, caring, sharing, fun, family, roles, men, women, etc.

The deal is, for most folks (especially those who have never engaged in personal growth work) , most of our behavior at work, at home, at play and in relationship is a function of what we have on our motherboards – our programming.

So, how did we come to create, or have, our programming – our values and our beliefs?

Ask lots of folks and they’ll say they did it themselves. Especially those who fight to the death to assure everyone they “think for myself,” “I’m my own man/woman!”  Hmmm. Really?

Being “conscious” and self-aware means taking a deep, long look at the notion of “I am who I think I am”- .and perhaps discovering that “I am who someone else wanted me to be” –  by taking a microscopic look at each of the nodes and diodes on our motherboard and asking, “Hmm, how did come to have this thought belief, perception, expectation, assumption, etc.” “How did I become who I am?”

Such an exploration will undoubtedly lead to some interesting discoveries: that, for one thing, someone else in fact may own a particular node, or a particular diode, that someone else has crafted a particular node or particular diode – that I am really operating on someone else’s value or belief that I have taken on to be “me.”

Who is it really who controls what you think, feel, say and do? Who is it that really, really influences your choices and your decisions? How did you come to believe what you believe, how you feel and to react and respond as you do to people, places, events, objects and circumstances in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship?

How did you become known as: “the happy one,” “the angry one,” “the hard-nosed one,” “the prejudiced one,” “the political one,” “the honest one,” “the fearful one,” “the risk-taker,” “the selfish one,” “the compassionate one,” “the writer,” “the artist,” “the non-mathematical one,” or “the “don’t-go-into-law (or other profession) one?” How did you become the “I am” person described in the phrase, “I am who I think I am?”

Have you ever consciously explored the life experiences and beliefs of your parents, extended family members, your teachers, your clergy members, those who had an influence on you in your childhood and formative years?

Have you ever consciously explored your experiences with your early bosses, or military leaders, and later on with politicians, the media, radio, the Internet, reality TV –  all of whom have had the opportunity to craft and mold the nodes and diodes on your motherboard in very subtle ways?

Have you ever, early on or later on, sold out your own nodes and diodes to others for a price? For example, who do you associate with, and why? What does that association “get” you? Do you ever lie, cheat or steal at work? If so, why? What’s the belief underneath your actions? Did you ever marry for money? Why?  Do you jeopardize your health? Why? Do you jeopardize your relationship? If so, using what belief or story?

Most often we have allowed others, often unconsciously, to buy real estate on our motherboard because first, as a child, it brought us mommy and daddy’s love, appreciation, approval, and acceptance (or conversely, freedom from form of abuse). So we replicated their nodes and diodes and soldered them to our own motherboard -so now , as an adult, we think, feel, and act the way they did –  and often find our life is unhappy and hard, painful and challenging, while not really understanding why.

Or, later in adolescence and early adulthood as we entered the world of work and more serious relationships, we replicated others’ nodes and diodes out of guilt, or fear – and often found, and find, our life is unhappy and hard, while not really understanding why.

So, here we are, often living life at work, at home, at play and in relationship not knowing who we really, really are – disconnected from our True and Real Self because we have soldered so many others’ nodes and diodes  – beliefs, visions, thoughts and values, etc. – to our own motherboard and thinking this is “me” or similarly taken reactive positions to others’ influences and thinking this reactive stance is “me.”

How do you know who you really are?

One way to begin to explore who you really are is by asking the following questions:

Do I have a closed mind? Is my mind always made up? Am I intolerant of others who don’t see life as I do?

Do I see all of life as black and white? Am I rigid and inflexible, unforgiving and unbending, somewhat fanatical in my beliefs about life?

Do I use fear, guilt, manipulation, coercion and shame as weapons to get others to act in ways I feel they should act?

Am I opposed to differing perspectives, points of view and ideas?

By asking these questions and observing yourself, from outside yourself, you can begin to gain first-hand evidence of whose nodes and modules are on your motherboard.

By asking these questions and observing yourself, from outside yourself, you can begin to gain first-hand evidence of whose nodes and modules are on your motherboard so you can consciously discern between:

• I think; therefore I am., and
• I think others’ beliefs and thoughts; therefore I am who I think I am – which is not, in fact, me.

Some questions for self-refection: 

• Choose a few of your deepest or strongest beliefs about work, life at home, play and relationships and ask yourself, “How did I actually come to have these beliefs?” Do they really serve me well and bring me true and real happiness or a false happiness and false sense of security?
• How have former bosses, politicians, the clergy, or TV and the media shaped my beliefs?
• Would others say I am “open” to opposing viewpoints?
• How did I come to have the beliefs I have around: money, career, friends, family, appearance, health, fun, love relationships, and spirituality?
• What stories about life at work, at home, at play and in relationship have I created based on my beliefs. Do my stories support my experience of fun, happiness, contentment and joy in my life? If not, do I prefer to keep my story to changing my belief? If so, why?
• Do I always need to be “right?”
• Am I gullible and easily deceived?
• Do I generally approach life with cynicism and skepticism?
• How well do I deal with change?
• When I listen to my inner judge and critic, whose voice do I most often hear (mother, father, primary caregiver, others…)? What stories does that voice tell? And, are those stories true? Really?
• Do I consider myself to be a “free thinker?” How did I arrive at this belief?

—————————————————–
(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering