What’s Stopping You From Healing?

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Many folks claim they want to heal. However, what they actually seek is less pain and suffering. This is an important distinction.

The “fix”
Many folks hunger for a magic bullet to alleviate their discomfort, the frustration they experience at work, at home, even at play, and, of course, in their relationships. They search for the quick fix: a chemical remedy through a prescription or over-the-counter medicine or a non-chemical-(usually) socially-acceptable remedy as in food, alcohol, television, sex, or surgery or son-surgical procedure.  All of this is done to mask their discomfort and treat their symptoms. Pop the pill. Eat the food. Take the drink. Have sex. Experience the procedure. The discomfort disappears. They may move back to some sense of normalcy, but certainly not towards healing. How so?

Healing can be scary
True healing can be scary and threatening. Why?

True healing requires more than feeling normal again. True healing requires us to ask (and answer!):

1. In what ways do I contribute to my own discomfort? How am I responsible for the situation (mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, social, financial, health, etc.) in which I find myself?
2. Which of my thoughts, beliefs, preconceptions, values, expectations, assumptions, “stories,” choices and actions are responsible for the imbalance, dis-harmony and unhappiness I’m experiencing in my life at work, at home at play or in my relationships?
3. Am I  willing to make the necessary life changes, including taking action to reduce and eliminate my sense of imbalance, dis-harmony and unhappiness?

Simple, right? But, not easy, which is why many folks often think, or obsess, about change but rarely take positive and sustaining action to effect true and real change at 9:00 Monday morning. As one coaching client told me early on in their change process, “I’m thinking about getting ready to get started.” Hmmm.

Ego and change
What’s the real deal about healing? What stands in the way of most folks’ willingness to change is ego.

Ego is necessary. Ego supports us as we navigate how we live our lives. Ego includes our personality, our individuality. Ego helps us to pretend we are individuals. Ego helps us remember where we left our wallet, what we need to buy for dinner and what time the team meeting is. Our ego defines our thoughts, beliefs and assumptions.

Ego believes that its ultimate responsibility is to keep us safe and protect us from harm of any sort – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or psychological. The lenses through which the ego views the world tend to see the world as scary and hurtful.  Because of this, we spend much of our life defending ourselves against others whom we perceive as judging, being critical of, or threatening us in some way, shape or form.

Consider (honestly): how many of our moment-to-moment thoughts are healing or loving thoughts?  How many are fear-based, judgmental or negative thoughts?  For most folks, it is the latter. If we’re being honest here.

Remember, our ego’s job is to feel safe and secure. When we contemplate changing our (ego’s) beliefs, thoughts, “stories” and preconceptions, etc. about our life and living in the world, our ego becomes scared. In subtle and insidious ways, our ego works to insure that we continue to think, believe, and behave exactly as we have in the past. Why? Change is hurtful to our ego; it wants us to feel its acting on our behalf, to keep us safe, by “not acting,” i.e., not changing, not healing.

Our ego believes that even our most painful, self-sabotaging or limiting beliefs which we cling to are necessary because the small (or great) amount of pain that we experience as a result of these thoughts, actually protects us from a much bigger pain – a “death” in some way, shape or form.

When we consciously consider creating true and real change, we assume there is something bad or wrong about our current thoughts or beliefs (and resulting behaviors). This triggers our ego which goes into protection mode. We spend lots of time beating ourselves up for thinking we are, in fact, bad or wrong for what we have been thinking or believing, or how we have been behaving, for much, or most of, our lives.

Allowing and resistance
For true and real change to exist, we have to allow our beliefs, our thoughts – whatever they are – to take shape in our minds.  Then we observe them and allow them. We do not judge them. We don’t beat ourselves up over them. This action quiets the ego and our Inner Judge and Critic – who wants us to feel small, invisible, scared, wrong and bad.

When our ego understands there is actually nothing “wrong” with our thoughts or beliefs (they just “are”), resistance fades. We grab hold of the freedom and the opportunity to introduce new thoughts and beliefs and, with these, we create the capacity to make new choices, and take new actions.

We created most of the limiting and painful beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world during our childhood. We employed whatever resources we had at that time, so we could feel safe, secure and garner mommy and daddy’s (and later, others”) love, attention, acceptance and approval.

Our beliefs worked then as children and as we matured through adolescence to adulthood. However, many, if not most, don’t work so well now. We need to update them.

The bottom line is that we can change our words, our thoughts and our beliefs. We can, in fact, change our lives at work, at home, at play and in relationship by creating new, supportive thoughts and beliefs by choosing to do so and then taking action that supports our new way of thinking. That is healing.

If you really do want to heal, that choice is yours to make. What better time than now?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What stories do you tell yourself that keep you from making true and real change in your career, home, health, play or relationship areas of your life? Do you recall having any of these beliefs when you were young? What beliefs prevent you from experiencing change in your life?
• Do you ever follow your intuition, your “gut?” Do you trust your intuition? What’s that like?
• Do you constantly beat yourself up? Why? Would you allow your friends and colleagues to speak to you the way your Inner Judge and Critic speaks to you? Do you constantly judge yourself as bad, wrong or not good enough in some way? Why? Really, why? When did you first start doing that?
• The average person has 16,000 thoughts a day. Would you characterize the majority of yours as healing (love-based) or killing (fear-based)?
• Did you ever simply observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, or in a “story” about them? What’s that like?
• What one or two debilitating or limiting beliefs would you like to update right now? Can you do it? Will you? What will support you? What barriers will stand in the way?
• What one or two baby steps can you take this week or next to make changes in your life by creating new thoughts and beliefs about your Self and then taking action?
• What beliefs do you have about: career, teamwork, meaningful work, money, health, men, women, relationships, appearance, fun, chores, children, personal or spiritual growth, marriage, clothes, hair, pets, etc.? Do these beliefs bring you true and real happiness (be honest) or pain and suffering (be equally honest)? If the latter, why do you continue to hold these beliefs and allow them to run your life? If the latter, how can you begin to heal yourself?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Identity – Who Are You?

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“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free”
– Ralph Ellison

“Identification” or “identity” is one way we use to define who we are. Either historically, or in the present moment, we come to view ourselves in some way, shape or form that identifies “who I am.” Identity can take the form of an image, an impression, an emotion or feeling, or a body sensation and make it one of the many building blocks that define “me.” Forms of identity that we took on early in life or create in the present moment might include: I am a strong man; I am an optimist; I am an extrovert; I am a spiritual person; I am a happy person; I am a fearful person; I am a worrier;  I am a manager; I am a parent, etc.

When we speak about “identity” what we are saying is that I AM this quality or image, even if I am not consciously aware of this quality or image in the moment, even if I am not speaking this to myself in the moment. It’s a “given.” This quality  or image is part of the fabric of who I take myself to be, i.e., who I am. We believe it is True – with a capital T.

For example, let’s use how we might identify with an emotion, anger. If I am identified with my anger (I am an angry person…quietly angry, usually seething,  or overtly angry, usually very vocal in my anger…as a general way of being), then my response to a person, event or circumstance that I am experiencing says in some way, “I want to be angry,” or “I need to be angry,” or “I can justify my anger,” or “I have a right to be angry,” etc. and then proceed to act out on my anger. I identify with my anger. My anger is who I am.

If I am not identified with my anger, that is, seeing that I do get angry from time to time, but not being identified with my anger, I can witness the same person, event or circumstance and feel or sense my anger and say, “OK, so I feel some anger. It’s here and it’ll subside. I’ll just be with it, observe it in me and allow it to dissipate” without having to “do” anything about it, i.e., act it out, or “get” angry.

Identification means we define ourselves by something. – I AM that something – that image, that emotion, that feeling. Who I believe I am is not separate from that quality or image.

Identification also means that I am invested in that quality. I have a conscious wanting or needing to be that quality or image.

So, one clue as to whether we are identified to a particular quality is look at how we respond to an event in the moment.

When we are identified by a quality, or an image (of who I am), we are taken over by that quality or image when we experience an event. It’s a pull, like an addiction. We live much of our life addicted to having an identity, not wanting to be free of that identity and and are continually creating that identity. I am….(fill in the blank).

As we go through life, we take on, and shed, various identities.

We take on identities related to our work or career, identities related to being a man or woman, identities related to sports, education, spirituality, to our beauty, our nationality, to being a happy child or an abused child, being the black sheep of the family, being the “happy (sad…) one – all identities which we want everyone to know. The deal is that we then believe that if we let go of out identity, we will be no one, we will lose our sense of “who I am” – we become disconnected from our True and Real self.

The point?
When we came into the world we came in without any “identity” so to speak; we were a “tabla rosa,” (and I know are differing perspectives on this) a clean slate.  In that state, we were free, light, natural, easy, relaxed, simple (in the positive sense). This state, called presence, is still within us, still accessible.  In a state of presence, we need no mental operations to create “who I am,” i.e., we need no identifications.  We just are. I am!

In this state of presence we have no need to “identify.” We have a sense of confidence, groundedness and surety. However, when we let go of this state, when in the throes of stress, conflict, overwhelm, or confusion, we forget who we are and then sense the need to grasp on to an “identity” to make me feel safe.

When we don’t trust our True and Real self, when we stray from the Essence of who we were when we came into this existence, our reactive inclination is to grab on to an image or identity of “who I am” and then shove this identity on to others to show them “I am (this or that)” – a need to be seen as this or that. In this place, we are not be-ing, we are not authentic, and we are not trusting of our Essential nature.

How to disidentify
When we see that we are caught up in an identity, we can begin the process of letting go of it, not by efforting, not by “working” on it, but simply by becoming aware of it, noticing it, seeing it for what it is. As you become aware of the identity, observe it, watch it and witness it, it will begin to dissolve over time. If you are not willing to be free of your identification, then, yes, you are deeply identified. If you are willing to become free of your identification, slowly it will fall away.

Finally, you are not “bad” or “wrong” for having identifications. It’s part of the psycho-emotional developmental process of life. But it’s not part of who we have to be. That’s the choice.

When we are able to disassociate from our identities, then we can be more real, and more authentic in our everyday experiences – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What identifications define you?
• Who are you?
• What reactions, attitudes, preferences, “stories,” desires and attachments can help you recognize how you are identified?
• How do you feel about your identifications?
• Do your identifications constrain you in your everyday life experiences? How so?
• When do you feel most free of identifications?
• Who would you be and how would you feel if you were not (fill in with one of you identifications – an image, an emotion…)?
• If you asked your best friend what s/he saw as your identifications, what would s/he say? Would you agree?
• Why do you choose your identities? What do they “get” you?
• Can you visualize having no identifications? What does that feel like?
• How did you come to have the identifications you have?
• Without your identities, would you feel (a) more or less secure, (b) more or less free?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Friendship and Burgers

 

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The New Oxford American Dictionary has an entry which was a recent Word of the Year: unfriend. If you’re not familiar with the Ins and Outs of social networking , or don’t have children, it means: “to remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.” The dictionary offers the example: “I decided to unfriend my roommate on Facebook after we had a fight.”
The etymologists and lexicographers can argue the merits of unfriend vs. de-friend, or the verb vs. adjectival form. I’m curious about the deeper psycho-emotional-spiritual experience of “unfriending.”

When you unfriend someone, there’s no dialogue, no conversation and no discussion. You choose their name, click on a command and poof!, your friend(ship) is instantaneously deleted. As for how your “friend” reacts when they find out, I guess that’s their problem. Such is the nature of online friendship. In and out – quick and easy. As for connection, trust and intimacy? Those seem to be superfluous.

So, here we go again. The arguments supporting how one can so easily create community, connection and communion in social networks, where deep trust and intimacy become the glue that binds one’s friendships again appear specious – arguments offered by those who have some underlying emotional/ need to offer them.

Intimacy vs. the mundane
From what I read, hear and observe about social networks, true and real intimacy, connection and communion are the exception that prove the rule. Friendship for most is, at best, casual. The banal, desultory, and mundane exchanges, or the rehashing and back-and-forth of everyday ideas and information in an effort to (1) connect, (2) feel seen and appreciated, (3) massage one’s ego, (4) feel secure and un-abandoned or (5) disengage from what one should really be engaged in, are not the stuff of True and Real Friendship.

How and why would I choose to delete a “friend” in the blink of an eye? And what is that friendship like in the first place? What’s the foundation on which I’ve built such a friendship? Intimacy, trust, and connection? Doubtful.

As loudly as one argues, True and Real Friendship cannot be created over the ethers. The appearance and perhaps momentary “connection” that one feels with an online “relationship” is no different from a real-time “long-distance” relationship. And we know that many, if not most, long distance relationships don’t work out in the long run, especially when the two partners eventually come face to face for the long term. Why?

Personal-ness
In a word – personal-ness. The one most-important building block of a conscious, healthy and strong relationship is emotional connection – the emotional connection that kicks in when two folks are sitting face-to-face, knee-to-knee, eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart. An emotional connection – the good, the bad and the ugly – that arises when “physical space and contact” are the ground of connection – a ground that, for all intents and purposes, is lacking in social networking. That’s not to say a “feel-good” emotional substitute is impossible; it’s not; but it is a substitute – the type of “feel-good” feeling one might experience in the initial throes of an affair, or when ensconced in an alcohol or drug “high.” But it’s not the True and Real interpersonal-ness that occurs in personal connection – thus, one major reason one experiences little to no remorse or discomfort in “unfriending” someone. The “void” makes it easy. There is no True and Real emotional or “human” connection in a “void.”  In fact, there is no True and Real Friendship with the “friend” one is “unfriending.” Imaginary or superficial friendship, perhaps; but that’s all.

Oh, and the kicker?
A few ears back, Burger King unveiled its new offering – the Angry Whopper app. BK aligned with Facebook, creating an app to help promote its new burger. Instead of encouraging folks to join Facebook, and create new “friends,” Burger King’s new Whopper Sacrifice App offers you a free Whopper if you “defriend” ten folks from your friend list. Friends and friendship – so elusive, ephemeral and expendable. And folks are still talking about it!

The spiritualist Joan Borysenko writes: “We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch.”

Without heart-felt, intimate and True and Real emotional connection, friends and friendship will continue to erode into superficial, casual contacts – “friends” that we would just as easily “unfriend” for a burger! Pass the ketchup, please.

How sad!

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you generally communicate with folks at work? In person or electronically (even when in-person is very do-able)? How about with your partner/spouse or children during the day?
• How do you differentiate between True and Real friends and casual friends?
• Do you have trust issues with any of your friends?
• Are you usually emotionally available when folks need you? Are your friends emotionally there for you?
• Have you “dropped” a friend, or been “dropped”  by a friend recently? Why? What was that like for you? How so?
• Do you ever feel lonely, isolated or depressed? How so?
• All things being equal, if you had the chance, would you tell your online friends when you’re coming to their city or town and ask to see them in person? If they came to your town, would you invite them to dine with your family? If not, why not?
• Do you avoid face-to-face conversations?
• In what other ways do you avoid emotional connection with others?
• Are you addicted to Twitter, Facebook or other social networking sites?
• Do you have more online friends than “real-time” friends? If so, why?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

So, you’re taking a summer vacation. Really?

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“What do I want to take home from my summer vacation? Time. The wonderful luxury of being at rest. The days when you shut down the mental machinery that keeps life on track and let life simply wander. The days when you stop planning, analyzing, thinking and just are. Summer is my period of grace.”
–Ellen Goodman

New York University sociologist, Dalton Conley, recently coined the term: “weisure” – the result of blurring the line dividing work and leisure. More and more, work is carrying over into folks’ leisure time. It appears that places and activities usually regarded as “fun only” are now work-play ambiguous. No surprise here!

Folks are using their smartphones to connect with their business colleagues while at home or hanging out with their families in the evening. Folks are chatting with Facebook colleagues on weekends and holidays. And, of course, all their other electronic leashes are keeping them connected so they can take care of business while “on vacation.”

What’s happening!

Some, including Conley, say the work-leisure phenomena is happening because more folks are finding work to be fun and want to stay connected during leisure periods. Really! Fun! Who’s kidding whom!?

For couples and families that have an honest, true, sincere and intimate connection with one another, I wonder how they view the “fun of weisure” as a reason for disconnecting with one other at home, at play, or on vacation. Perhaps you can ask ten of your closest friends how their spouses, partners or children feel about the separation caused by one of them experiencing all the “fun” while conducting business at home, or on vacation.

Rather than enjoying the “fun” of doing business and choosing to stay connected 24/7, 365, my anecdotal research says folks are (1) inundated with more and more work they cannot handle in a “normal” workday work and/or (2) fearful, guilty or anxious that if they don’t stay connected 24/7, 365, they may find themselves out of a job, and/or (3) they are addicted to their computers and/or (4) they have become emotionally disconnected from their families in favor of social networking and connecting outside their relationship – their “lover” or mistress is now the Internet. My take is that “weisure” is NOT ubiquitous because work now has more “meaning” or provides “fun.” The test – “If you won the lottery today would you continue to work as long and as hard in a 24/7, 365 “weisure” world? Be honest.

The downside of “weisure”

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” – Elbert Hubbard

The really upsetting fallout of living in a “weisure” world is sacrificing one’s privacy and the abdication of precious relaxation time. With the increasing blurring of work and leisure, research shows fewer and fewer folks are actually taking vacations. Many feel not only that they have to stay connected on holidays and weekends but that they actually fear they might lose their jobs if they went on vacation. And for those who actually do take a vacation, how many need to “unwind” after they come back from a “weisure-driven” vacation – as stressed when they return as they were before they left? The number of these folks increases yearly.

Stressed out, overworked and overwhelmed, many folks need time off but are worried and fearful that a short vacation could lead to a permanent one. They feel dammed if they do; damned if they don-t. Not a very psychologically healthy place to be.

The psycho-emotional-mental-physical effects of a “weisure” lifestyle are quite disturbing. More and more folks are experiencing stress-related dis-eases and illness, family dysfunction and disruption, and really rough times holding it together at work. The workplace is being populated by ever-growing numbers of disengaged, unproductive, underperforming and exhausted employees -not to mention those experiencing serious states of depression, addiction, self-neglect and serious overt or silent anger.

At home, these folks now have no idea how to “take it easy” or relax without working.

The parking areas of many of the office parks I run through, and drive around, are often one quarter or more full on weekends, evenings and holidays. “Weisure?”

Why vacations and honest leisure time are important

“Using a camera appeases the anxiety which the work-driven feel about not working when they are on vacation and supposed to be having fun. They have something to do that is like a friendly imitation of work: they can take pictures.“- Susan Sontag

Simple, taking time for one’s self is a non-negotiable “must” to maintain a healthy mind, body and soul. It’s impossible to run a car engine on all cylinders 24/7, 365. The human body, mind and psyche are no different – dependency on energy drinks notwithstanding.

Leisure time and vacations, spent consciously, serve as preventative medicine. They allow time for de-stressing, decompressing, rejuvenating, replenishing and re-connecting with one’s self. It is when we consciously allow a real genuine opportunity of space for relaxation and novelty that we can discover the unconscious level of tension and stress we’ve been carrying day-to-day. In fact, the first few days of vacation usually begin the process of unwinding, which is followed by the recognition of a need for rest, relaxation and a deeper settling of our body, mind and spirit. And, if you’re fortunate, your vacation is long enough to allow you to enter into the phase of real rejuvenation.

Now the greater question is “What type of vacation do you take?” For some people vacation is wall-to-wall sight seeing, visiting family, exercise boot camp, or staying “connected” i.e., doing, doing, doing which is inevitably followed by that odd aftermath of “I need a vacation from my vacation.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When was your last “real” vacation?
• What does “vacation” mean for you?
• What are the elements of a favorite vacation for you?
• Do you take the type of vacation that really nurtures and nourishes you? Be honest.
• How do you prepare for your vacation?
• How do you transition from vacation to home to work?
• How is the first week back after your return?
• How are you at the end of the second week back after your return?
• What did you discover about yourself on recent vacations? Did you have time for any discovery?
• Is there something you learned about yourself on vacation that influences a change you want to implement into your everyday life?
• How do you experience your self on vacation? Do you enjoy your “self” away from the everyday routine?
• Was your work life and home life supported in your absence? Were the bases covered?
• Were you able to really disengage or were your Blackberry and laptop traveling companions?
• What was vacation like before you had a SmartPhone, IPhone, laptop or other digital gadget?
• How much vacation time do you have and take each year? How much do you need?
• Has your relationship suffered because of your “weisure” activities. Be honest. What would you spouse, partner or children say?
• What were vacations like when you were growing up?
• Can you visualize a world where you can take a vacation and truly leave work behind? Would you want to?

“And so we take a holiday, a vacation, to gain release from this bondage for a space, to stand back from the rush of things and breathe again. But a holiday is a respite, not a cure. The more we need holidays, the more certain it is that the disease has conquered us and not we it. More and more holidays just to get away from it all is a sure sign of a decaying civilization; it was one of the most obvious marks of the breakdown of the Roman empire. It is a symptom that we haven’t learned how to live so as to re-create ourselves in our work instead of being sapped by it.” – Evelyn Underhill

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Pressure’s On

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Northern Illinois University professor Larissa Barber, PhD, coined the term “telepressure” – the urge to respond immediately to work-related messages, no matter when they come.”

A recent study in Time magazine reports: “The majority of US workers (52 percent) check their e-mail during non-work hours, including on sick days.  Depending on your employer, it may be an unspoken requirement to respond immediately, but, more likely, you respond right away not because of actual workplace policy but due to a phenomenon known as “telepressure.” Other research underscores our unhealthy attachment to our cellphones and the insanity of doing so.

Meshing work and home

The question I would interject is “To what degree is our addiction to being ‘connected’ 24/7 affecting your health – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological?”

Prof. Barber’s research found: “…those who felt greater telepressure, and therefore a stronger urge to check and respond to e-mails at all hours, faced some serious consequences.”

Knee-jerk reactions

Telepressure, in my experience, is a two edge sword – one edge, necessitating the other. On the one hand, our addiction to our devices creates a neurological dynamic in our brains, think “addiction”, to seek more and more stimulation – checking my iPhone, checking my smart phone, checking my social media sites…non-stop, always seeking more, more and more stimulation. It’s the progressive drug that requires ever greater doses in order to satiate.

The other edge is the immediacy with which we feel compelled to reply or to respond. This immediacy often precludes what’s needed in that very moment – time to reflect, time to think, time to analyze and time to step back. This immediacy often results in less-than-optimal choices and decisions. Lose-lose.

Psycho/emotional health

Prof. Barber reports that those who engage in this constant state of stimulus and response, face some serious health consequences: worse sleep, higher levels of burnout (physical and cognitive), and increased health-related absences from work.

Another unfortunate downside of always being “on” and “available” 24/7, 365 is pure and simple: exhaustion, stress, burnout, rust-out, disengagement and presenteeism (your body shows up, but you don’t).

The constant wear and tear and stress that accompanies always being “on” and “available” has serious psychological effects – suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and other stress-related afflictions such as diabetes, heart attacks, depression, alcoholism and drug addiction.

The body and mind cannot race at 100 miles an hour non-stop and not break down in some way, shape or form. No matter how invulnerable or  invincible you think you are.

The challenge for folks today is not how to connect but to disconnect. Our devices have become extensions of ourselves. Folks need to learn how to disconnect from their devices in order to connect or reconnect with themselves.

Other research tells us that spending an inordinate amount of time at night in artificial light, interferes with the body’s production of melatonin which helps regulate your sleep-wake cycle. People who use their computer or smartphones near bedtime are more likely to report symptoms of insomnia.

Crazy-busy

Many folks these days wear “crazy busy” as a merit badge. Many folks regard busyness and “living in the fast lane” as status symbols. These folks seem to think their status is in direct proportion to the number of emails they receive or number of meetings they attend. Writer Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time, explains:

“…overwork has really become pervasive. I’m not talking about hard work. I’m all for hard work that we find meaning in. But overwork leaves us burned out and disengaged butts in chairs at work and fried at home without the energy to do much more than flop down in front of the boob tube.”

Antidotes

There are answers, or antidotes, if you’re able and willing to make some choices. Some suggestions:

Boundaries

Create boundaries between your work life and personal life. Plug-in when you’re at work and unplug when you’re not. Coming home and “plugging in” as a way of winding down and relaxing is powerfully self-destructive. To think of “plugging in” as a form of relaxation at home is a delusion, pure and simple. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unplug!

Exercise

Get your body moving; oxygenate your cells, your brain, your muscles, tendons and ligaments. Exercise reduces and alleviates stress. Exercise is a natural antidepressant.

Spend More Time outside

Being in nature, whether you’re actively running or walking, or gardening or simply sitting is a natural stress reducer. And being outside, unencumbered by your devices, is even more so.

Focus on Your Breath

Research is showing more and more today than mindfulness practice, which includes slow, quiet and deep breathing, can support your mind, body and spirit to be in optimal balance, harmony and regulation. Every cell in your body responds positively to mindfulness and breathing practices. Mindfulness and breathing practices help to regulate the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, producing states of inner peace, equanimity, serenity, positivity and the like.

Engage in what you enjoy

Do what you enjoy doing without giving in to yours or others’ critiques or judgments. Have fun.

Watch your diet

First and foremost, do you know the science between diet and health, between diet and energy, between diet and well-being, between gut-health and overall health, between eating early in the evening and eating just before bedtime and how food affects mood, the brain and you nervous system? If not, spend some quality time doing just a bit of research about diet and health. Eat mindfully. That is, dispense with the “mechanical hand” that shoves food in nonstop, unconsciously and focus on the “what” and the “how” when you’re eating. Be as peaceful as you can – in mind, body and spirit – when you eat.

Monitor your emotional state

Continually ask yourself with curiosity (and this is extremely important) and not with judgment or criticism, “What am I thinking?” And “What am I feeling?” Asking yourself these questions on a consistent basis can support you to become a witness, watcher and observer of yourself in such a that you become more and more able to move away from dysfunctional emotional states into states of positivity, stability and well-being. This practice can greatly help to reduce stress and short-circuit the beliefs and the thoughts which take you into the dark or gray places.

Connect

Loneliness is a huge stress producer. Set your intention to meet regularly with a good friend (or friends) on a regular basis so you can get “outside yourself.” Explore if there are ways you can serve and support others in some capacity to move out of your mental and emotional ZIP Code. Connection is good for the mind, body and soul.

Take “FSBs” – Frequent Short Breaks.

Get yourself a timer and set it to go off every 30 minutes. When it goes off (be reasonable; don’t plan this exercise if you know you’ll be in a meeting, etc.) and when it goes off stop what you’re doing and take one to two minutes to, for example, just breathe, go for a short walk – inside or out, stare out the window, meditate, walk up and down a flight of stairs, shake your body in place, and the like. Taking frequent short breaks is a powerful way to master your emotions, reduce stress, become more productive and energized, work optimally and otherwise experience a true sense of well-being.

Questions for self-reflection:

• How often are you “connected” to your devices at home? Are you able to “unplug” at home?
• Does your spouse/partner ever react that you spend more time with your phone than with him/her?
• How knowledgeable are you about the relationship between diet and health?
• Are you in good shape…but not in good psychological/emotional/spiritual health?
• On a scale of 1(low) to 10(high) how would you describe your stress level on an average day at work, and at home?
• Do you incorporate any of the suggestions above into your life? How so?
• Do you go through withdrawal when you’re away from your devices for a while? What’s that like for you?
• What’s your relationship with being alone and with loneliness?
• Are you comfortable with silence?

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(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Meddling – The Butterfly and The Cocoon

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Meddling
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“The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, the whole being listens. Then there is a direct grasp of what is right there that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.” Chuang-Tzu, Chinese philosopher

In essence, the more we listen to what is going on inside our self, the better we understand what is happening outside. The more apt we are to allow the other to just be present in their experience, and not be so ego-driven to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain or correct the other in their experience.

Believing that we have to in some way “fix” another is the paramount obstacle to being present to and with the other.

Each of us is exactly where we’re men to be on our journey. Not ahead; not behind. Exactly where we are in relationship to our personal cocoon, to the unfolding of who we are and how we are.

In our Western approach to living and to life, many of us are caught in the strong urge to fix, give advice, or reassurance and to explain, directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly “our own position” or feeling.

The Buddhist way

There is a Buddhist statement that says, “Don’t just do something; stand there.” Stand there and just “be” there, indeed.

When we’re engaged with others who are experiencing, pain or suffering in some way shape or form, what works with them, is asking ourselves, “How I can be respectful, empathic, and present?”, sensing our own body, breathing, being consciously conscious of where I am in allowing this field of experience, so that I can just “be” with this person, knowing that their experience is just as it should be, that, in fact, they do have whatever “answers” they need in this moment, i.e., their answers and their moment, not “my” answers and “my” moment.

The Butterfly and the Cocoon (anonymous)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.

So, with respect to the butterfly and the cocoon, perhaps the individual’s “kindness” and “impatience” got in the way of the butterfly’s growth and development.

Meddling

So, it’s worth thinking about how we feel the need to meddle in another’s growth and developmental experience from “our” perspective, not theirs, from our states of impatience, or knowing, being the “sage,” from our ego-driven needs to be “right,” to have the answers, knowledge, wisdom, etc.

The question underneath the question is:

Why?
Really, why?
Really, really, really, why?

There’s much more inside each of our cocoons than simply air. There’s knowledge, wisdom, insight, energy, and much opportunity for growth – in mind, body and spirit. The question is whether we have the strength and courage to stay there for a while, and learn, and be, and allow others to do so as well.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How did/do you experience your cocoon?
• Are you comfortable being with your own pain and suffering?
• Do you look outside immediately for answers to your pain and suffering?
• What is/are the message(s) or lesson(s) you’re getting from your challenge(s)? How so?
• How do you respond/react in the face of another’s challenges?
• Are you quick to want to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain, or correct another when they are hurting in some way?
• Can you just “stand there?” Is that difficult for you? Be honest.
• One a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) where would you rate yourself, generally, with respect to being (a) compassionate, (b) understanding and (c) empathic? Would your spouse/partner, child(ren), best friend, workmates, or other family members agree with you. Would you feel comfortable asking them?
• Can you love yourself and leave yourself alone (not judge, criticize or beat yourself up) when you’re experiencing pain and suffering?
• Can you honestly believe you’re exactly where you’re meant to be right now in your life? Why? Why not?

—————————————————–
(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Why?

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It’s the one question we learned in childhood that often drove our parents or primary caregivers up the wall. Even as adults, our various flavors of “why?” can still drive others nuts – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. And, many of us continue to ask “Why?” consistently – not satisfied with “standard” responses or “conventional” wisdom.

“Because”

Often, when we asked “Why?” as children, the responses we got didn’t satisfy us or make sense. In addition, when we heard something like, “I don’t know,” “That’s a dumb question,” “Because that’s just the way it is,” or “It’s a mystery,” and the like, we learned to stop asking. Unfortunately, many of us lost our curiosity and our inquisitiveness.

In reality, we did not really lose this aspect of ourself, we repressed it, stuffed it down. But, deep down, many of us still have a burning desire to know “why.”  For example, this is why, consciously or unconsciously, so many of us long to know the meaning of life. The ultimate “why?”.

The search for meaning

The search for meaning is basically a search for significance – significance of what is not obvious. When we find answers, sometimes they are objective – questions about day-to-day life, details, facts, and so on. (Think: “Why is the sky blue?”)

On a meta level, however, “Why?” is about life itself and its attendant puzzles, challenges and conundrums – e.g., questions about pain and suffering, striving and struggling, death and separation, etc. In the final analysis, the “Why?” is really about “me” – Who am I? Why am I here? What’s the meaning of my life’s experience? These deeper questions cannot be answered with objective facts or details. When we grow our soul and move to higher or deeper levels of consciousness, we move towards what we know as “enlightenment” – higher or deeper levels of knowing and understanding that really aren’t “knowledge” as we would define it in a Western way.

So, what’s the point?

Finding meaning and gaining “higher” understanding is not about escaping from, detouring around or eliminating life’s challenges. Suffering will still exist, for example, but we don’t have to have “pain” (emotional, psychological and/or spiritual) around it. We can choose to move beyond feeling like a victim, for example. Death will still remain an inevitability, but we can choose to approach it from a place of inner peace and equanimity, not abject fear, denial or resistance. Understanding the deeper meaning of a painful relationship, for example, can move us to a place where we can love once more.

We all have this deep inner longing to know “why.” Sometimes we do repress it, or stay in denial, or resist it (like, metaphorically, when we were children we might place our hands over our ears and shout so we didn’t have to listen to unpleasant “noise,” shouting or to what was being said). However, resisting our deep inner urge to know “why” is a futile attempt to live life from an ego-driven, not heart- or soul-driven, place.

And, for those of you who are still placing your hands over your ears, what would it feel like if you gave yourself permission to ask “Why?”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• If you played back the tape of your day today, or yesterday, what might you see about your motives, the “why,” for your actions and behaviors?
• Identify a recent emotional experience and explore the deeper meaning behind it. Why do you think that experience happened FOR (not TO) you?
• Take some quiet time and ask yourself, “What questions about my self and my life am I avoiding?” Why do you think you’re resisting asking yourself these questions?
• Why do you think you’re on the planet?
• How did your parents/primary caregivers, friends, relatives and teachers respond when you asked “Why?” How did that make you feel?
• Were you curious as a child? Are you now?
• What are your curious about these days? Why?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

 

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Motivation vs. Staying Power – There Is a Difference

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Our lives are a reflection of the ebb and flow of energy. They follow the natural rhythm of seasons. So we experience periods of expansion and periods of contraction, yin and yang, up and down, that affect us at every level – mentally, emotionally, physically and creatively. These occur irrespective of other motivators or external factors and mean that nobody (unless they’re suffering from a psychological disorder) is “up” or “down” 100% of the time.

Many of us, then, aren’t so much challenged by a lack of motivation as by a lack of staying power – the ability to keep on going when our motivation is at a low ebb.

The two might appear similar on the surface, but motivation and staying power are not the same energy. Motivation grows from desire; staying power is a force of will – a force that is still present even when the desire wanes or disappears altogether.

And that’s a critical distinction when it comes to our self-development. Because change or transformation is a function of our will to “keep on keeping on”, not a function of our desire or motivation. So the force to change and transform exists within all of us even when our motivation has deserted us.

Our internal rhythms mean that our motivation is never consistent. It waxes and wanes, irrespective of the different internal and external drivers encouraging us to be motivated. Think about these examples:

• The sales person who, in spite of the terrific (external) commission structure, does not stay motivated
• The employee who, in spite of the (internal) desire to not engage in gossip, does so
• The athlete who, in spite of both the internal motivation and external drivers, loses his/her motivation to play hard and strong consistently
• The individual who makes resolutions (New Year’s and otherwise) and quickly loses staying power
• The EQ-savvy individual who has the desire to remain calm and peaceful in the face of stress, yet succumbs and moves back to anger when stressed
• The person who has the desire and motivation to be more loving and appreciative of his/her partner but finds him/herself irritated, disrespectful and cold and uncaring most of the time
• The individual who is highly motivated to undertake a career transition but falls into inaction and depression a couple of months into their search process
• The person who is motivated to change and transform and undertakes a spiritual practice of some kind yet continues to judge, be critical of, demean, and verbally abuse his/her colleagues, family members, friends and strangers, etc.
• The manager who is motivated to control her emotions but loses it whenever her ego is challenged

 

Navigating the dips

Anyone who has embarked on a personal development process will be familiar with the “dips”, those periods when energy, drive, and desire wane. It might be a fitness regime, training for an event, a new diet, a self-help group, coaching or therapy. We have the desire. We start off motivated. But having the staying power to keep going when that initial motivation wears off is a different thing altogether.

Rather than waiting for the energy to change, being still and accepting that we’re heading into a dip, many of us get to the bottom and never muster the energy to head back up the other side. Our progress stops. We head back to the drawing board, look for a new coach, a new book, a new workout program, a new diet, new rules and procedures, even a new relationship.

There’s a famous quote: “A saint is a sinner who never gave up”. And it’s true that there is an underlying dynamic that seems to foster a successful “self,” a person who is living and growing according to their “inner values”. Some people are lucky enough to be born with an immediate connection to this innate sense of self. Others find it through voyages of self-discovery that eliminate the damaging beliefs and self-images that are fostered by an excessive attachment to the outer world.

In either case, they possess an innate, passionate desire that roars up from their inner self. But more than that, they also have a tenacious will to stay the course. With this combination, their strength of desire coupled with strength of will is indefatigable.

The power of this synergy is that it silences those defeating and sabotaging ego-driven thoughts, those self-criticisms and false illusions that chip away at our desire and motivation. The inner force becomes our beacon for doing and being, reducing our need to rely on external motivators. It gives us a limitless supply of passion, strength and will to follow a greater vision and invigorates us with the energy of “I can,” “I am,” “I will,” “I have,” “I choose” and “I create,” even during the dips, downs and dark times.

Whether progress is painstakingly slow or made in leaps and bounds, when vision, desire and will have melded together there is no longer any room for ambivalence, defeat or failure. Our direction is clear and our outcome is assured. We don’t give up or fall into some type of “victim/blaming” consciousness at the first sign of discouragement. The force that supports our intentions to do and to be from within, from our inner source, is beyond discouragement or despair.

There are four key questions to ask yourself. What contributes to and strengthens my passion? What contributes to and strengthens my will? What diminishes or weakens my passion? What diminishes or weakens my will?

For those who are caught in a Peter Pan syndrome (“I’ll never grow up”) or a veil of victimization (“I just can’t,” “I don’t have it in me,” “Woe is me,”) those questions will hold no appeal. The only people who will bother to pursue the answers are those who value self-responsibility, honesty, sincerity and self-evolution – those who perceives their lives as contributing to the greater good of all humankind.

For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, for everyone who finds those questions engaging and intriguing, now is the time to be still and listen and follow from within. Follow your best vision, dream or intuition. You know what course to follow; the answer is inside you.

If we keep on keeping on, in spite of whatever motivators might exist or not, every one of us has the capability to “pay the higher price” for living an extraordinary life. As Buddhist teaching puts it:

“he power of integrity is based on a firm inner sense of values that allows you to stand your ground regardless of what you are doing or where you are. When we believe that the world makes us, that it determines what we can and cannot do, then we see ourselves as small and weak. But when we understand that we make the world, individually and together, then we become formidable and strong.”

Some questions for self-reflection

• Considering one obstacle you’re currently facing, ask yourself, “Why is this happening FOR me?” When you sit quietly with that question, what can you see, hear, learn or understand? (Ask it often.)
• Is victimization a part of your DNA? Do you often feel the victim? How? Why?
• Can you recall the last time you “stayed the course” in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds? What happened? How do/did you feel?
• Have you even been involved in co-dependent relationships? How did/are they working out?
• What were your earliest experiences of “staying the course” and “giving up?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

 

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Professional Relationships – What’s Missing?

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A few years back, here in the United States, Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) was one of a long line of high-profile figures in politics, business, sports, arts and entertainment, law and the like who have fallen from grace as the result of personal relationship issues. Jenny Sanford, is another. Alabama Governor, Robert Bentley is more recent (March 2016).  This intrigues me.

Professional vs. Personal

We’re surrounded by people who possess the social skills required to create professional relationships. They are great at relating to their peers, their bosses, their clients, their mentors, their coaches, their followers and their stakeholders, but when it comes to personal relationships with spouses, partners and close friends – there is no “there” there. In fact, they fail miserably when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy, conscious, loving and intimate relationships.

The curious thing is that many of these people have all the “right stuff.” They come from “good stock,”, attended the “right” schools, played all the “in” sports, engaged in the “acceptable” and revered extracurricular activities, pledged the “right” sororities and fraternities, and received the undergraduate, graduate and post-graduate degree(s)-du-jour accompanied by all the accolades that now line their walls.

Part of the climb

But on the way up, they also learned how to be egotistical, narcissistic and arrogant. They wear their successes as coats of arms on their sleeves. In their chosen professional fields, they paid their dues, moved up the ranks, and climbed the ladder of success by cultivating the relationships they needed to support them to achieve whatever it is their ego-driven desires needed to achieve – be it power, rank, status, control or recognition. To be honest, they knew their stuff; they knew their craft.

Adept at cultivating relationships, they used their tools: false modesty, false intimacy, false trust, cloudy transparency, fake vulnerability, fake charisma, insincere charm, forced gracefulness and the like.

The downside – their dark side – is their narcissism, their consistent need to be “on,” to play the role, to always be in the limelight, to wield their power, to be in control, to be the center of the Universe.

When it hits

Then, it hits – sometimes subtly, sometimes not so-subtly. One day they wake up and they feel alone. They experience feelings of loneliness and deficiency and a reality that “the game is up” – their mask, worn thin, is disintegrating. Their personality costume covers but a skeleton. They begin to experience sadness, depression, self-loathing and self-pity.

They discover they really don’t know who they are. At home with their partners, at play with their friends, in their life (outside of work), they stumble, feel disoriented, disconnected and ungrounded. They feel like a stranger – emotionally distant, incapable of forging deeper, heart-felt and loving intimacy.

They experience estrangement from their spouses or partners, distance from their loved ones, and often end up engaging in superficial affairs – online and off – one-night stands. Their grasp for connection is uncomfortable and clunky; they seek a deeper self that has alluded them. They have no idea who they are.

Looking for…what?

What they’re searching for, longing for, really, is their True and Authentic Self – long lost and abandoned. Along the way, they gave up their need for true and real friendship, for true and real relationship, for true and real connection – all for the sake of ego-driven needs for control, recognition, power and security.

They created, then lived out, their fantasies that shored up their egos, but never supported their deeper relationships. They created and lived their fantasies focused on a superficial, fake and phony persona.

So now, lost, lonely and unhappy, they don’t know where to turn.

In the end, the person they’re really seeking, is “inside.” That’s where their True, Real and Authentic Self resides – the Self that knows, understands and thrives on honest, sincere, healthy and self-responsible relationships.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you know people who play a role more often than they show up as their and real self?
• How about you, how do you feel you show up in relationship?
• Do you have a need to be in the limelight? What if you can’t fulfill that need?
• Do your self-images revolve around some aspects of sex, power, recognition or control?
• Does your moral compass ever deviate from True North? When? Why?
• Have you ever “used” people to get ahead? How so?
• Is there a gap between the level of closeness or connection between you and your spouse/partner? If so, why?
• Do you ever feel unhappy about your love relationships? How are you contributing to that unhappiness?
• Have your loving relationships grown over the last year or two. If not, why not?
• Have your friendships deepened over the last year or two? If not, why not?
• Do you invest in your relationships and friendships? Do you take them for granted?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Growing Old vs. Growing Up.

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.” – Carl Jung

Do you know any 20-somethings who are “wise beyond their years?” I don’t mean intellect, intelligence, book knowledge or trivial facts. But, their orientation to, and perspective about, life and living. Conversely, do you know 40- or 60-somethings who are childish in the way they approach life and living?

Phases of adult life

Developmental psychologists and anthropologists often view life as a series of developmental stages – turning points where opportunities or pivotal moments occur – opportunities for growth. Stages are chronological: 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Generally, folks in their 20s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a different perspective from folks in their 30s; folks in their 60s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a perspective different from folks in their 40s, etc. Depending on what life stage one is at, one may respond differently to questions like:

• What do you love about your work?
• How aware are you of your motives for acting and interacting?
• Are you aware of your deepest fears, motives and impulses?
• Who are you?
• Why are you on the planet?
• Are you a trusting and trustworthy individual?
• How do you demonstrate trust, trustworthiness and integrity?
• What causes you to act counter to your values or your heart?
• What do you get from relationships?
• What is your relationship to money?
• What are you doing with your life, and why?
• Is this all there is?
• What should you do with your life now?

Spiritually, individuals in early stages of life often create a “false self” – i.e., a self based mostly on “externals,” caught up in ego-based needs for control, recognition and security, a self that lives life more unconsciously, robotically, programmed, instinctively and according to reactive, unconscious habits and patterned ways of do-ing, hav-ing and be-ing.

While the answers to the questions above are often based on the particular stage one is in, they are equally based on one’s “state” – level of consciousness – as well, the reason a 20-something can be “wise beyond her years” and a 60-something can behave like a little boy.

Phases of consciousness

Along with the chronological stages that appear at 20, 30, and 40, etc., there are conscious states that accompany the stage. As one grows older, one can move from a “false self” to a place where one is more conscious about “be-ing” a son, daughter, father, mother, friend, colleague, mentor, wise person, benefactor, and/or one’s True and Real Self.

Stages cannot be juxtaposed; they are not malleable or transferable; however, states can occur at any time, during any stage.

From a more psycho/emotional/spiritual perspective, the degree to which one “matures” as they progress through life stages depends on how “conscious” one is during the transitions, i.e, what conscious “state” they are experiencing e.g., how in touch one is with one’s heart, core values, emotions, feelings and life purpose; to what degree one is self-reflective and aware of “who I am” and “how I am” in living life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – a consciousness that comes not from chronological “age” but from an intuitive, guided, truthful, loving and universal sense from within.

So, for each of the questions, above, the initial answer is: “It depends.” It depends at which stage one is at and what state one is experiencing.

Growth also occurs through “stages of states of consciousness” i.e., our conscious self can grow and mature – moving from ego-centric, for example, to ethno-centric, to world-centric, to cosmic-centric and beyond. The move through the psychological ” states of consciousness” is also developmental – one follows the other; they are sequential. The important point here is that “states of consciousness” can be experienced at any  chronological stage (age).

So, this is why, generally, folks in their 20s may respond to the questions above differently from folks in their 30s; folks in their 30s differently from those in their 40s, and the like.

Becoming conscious

States of consciousness are accessed through spiritual practices e.g., meditation or prayer; physical practices like martial arts, Tai Chi or yoga; or through the “sacredness” of art, writing, deep intimacy, sexuality, and relationships.

The stage-state dynamic is the reason different folks interpret the same “reality” – event, circumstance, person, or place – differently; it depends on their state when they do the interpreting.

Each of the questions, above, generates responses depending on the psycho/emotional/spiritual state of the one inquiring. Looking at the questions, “Is this all there is?,” or “What should I do with my life now?,” or “What should I read,” or “What event should I attend?” the person in their 20s might answer with, “Heck, I’ll just have to try a different drug;” the person in their 40s, “Heck, I’ll just have to try a different spouse/partner;” the person in their 60s, “I’ll work for the good of humanity instead of just for myself.”

Psycho/emotional/spiritual growth is about finding a connection between where one is in the course of their life (stage), the issues they’re facing and the psycho/emotional/spiritual state where one is. A highly “conscious” person may very successfully resolve deep issues in their 20s whereas an “unconscious” person in their 50s or 60s may still react to life’s issues and challenges as they did in their 20s – with no appreciable resolution, having grown “old,” but never “up” – aged, but not matured, emotionally, psychologically or spiritually. Such folks often feel “lost” and meander, stumble, grope and flounder through life and relationships.

When we understand the nature of stages and states in life, we are more able to experience a true sense of well-be-ing in whatever life stage we happen to be in. The opposite is also true. Many folks unsuccessfully navigate the various stages in their life as they have never become conscious, or self-aware of their state.

When we ask these questions from a deeper level, exploring the truth of our “stories,” our rationales, our assumptions, our premises, our reactivities, judgments and worldviews – we are reflecting at a higher level of consciousness. As we consciously and honestly reflect on how we typically move through our day, we use our heart and body’s inner wisdom and intelligence and open up to higher states of consciousness. From this place we are more able to live a life of balance and harmony, a life that is inner-directed, a life that is characterized by wisdom and maturity – not years.

Such is the difference between “growing old” and “growing up.”

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each.” –  Anais Nin

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How old are you, chronologically?
• How old do you feel, emotionally? What might others say if you ask them?
• Is you life at work, at home, at play and in relationship authentic and inspiring? If not, why not?
• Do you experience meaning, passion, and purpose in your life?
• Do you have a spiritual (i.e., not religious or theological) practice focused on self-inquiry?
• What are your five most important values? Do you lives these values in your day-to-day life?
• Are you truly happy or do you strive and effort to live the appearance of happiness?
• How self-aware (vs. being habitual, robotic and reactive) are in your day-to-day interactions?
• As you grow older, are you growing up? What’s supporting you to grow up? How so? What are you seeing about yourself in the growing-up process?
• When did you first discover or experience a “state” of life? What was that like for you?

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(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering