Firecracker or Dud?

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On this holiday weekend in the midst of fireworks and fun, leisure and lightness, fun and frolic, how about taking a few minutes of quiet and solitude to reflect on how you’re doing as a leader, manager or supervisor.

Is your leadership, management or supervisory behavior cause for celebration? Are you a firecracker who inspires those around you to sparkle or a dud who rains on their parade? To help you find the answer, here are 25 simple statements to rate yourself against. Think about them on a scale where:

3 = Always
2 = Usually, or Often
1 = Reasonably
0 = Rarely or never

1.    My mission, objectives, and goals reflect my highest values and principles.
2.    My vision and values are in alignment with my organization’s mission and values.
3.    My team is committed to achieving our company’s goals and objectives.
4.    I lead my people by example. I walk my talk. I am in integrity.
5.    I have the knowledge, skills and resources necessary to perform my tasks effectively.
6.    My team members have the knowledge, skills and resources to be optimally productive.
7.    My team members understand the benefits of collaborating to move in a unified direction.
8.    I observe on-the-job activity and am available for questions and feedback.
9.    My team members establish priorities for tasks to be accomplished.
10. I listen carefully to my team members and encourage them to express their opinions.
11. I resolve conflict as it occurs, and consider the best interests of all concerned.
12. I inform my team members immediately about changes, policies, and procedures that affect them.
13. I am firm and fair-minded when dealing with my co-workers.
14. I have the best interests of my co-workers in mind.
15. I recognize optimal performance, and express appreciation in a timely manner.
16. I delegate responsibility, accountability, and authority effectively.
17. My team members receive adequate training, coaching and participation on the job.
18. When I delegate a task, I trust my co-workers can do the job and I do not interfere.
19. I encourage initiative, involvement, and innovation from my co-workers.
20. I use constructive feedback to optimize the productivity of co-workers.
21. My decisions are consistent with corporate policies, procedures, and objectives.
22. I take calculated risks, and develop contingency plans for major decisions.
23. I develop objectives and performance standards with my people.
24. I systematically evaluate the performance of my people.
25. I motivate my people to do their best on the job.

Looking at your answers, how would you rate yourself as a leader or manager? As a real firecracker, a dud, or somewhere in between? Why? And what about other people? How would they rate you? Do you know? Do you care?

Casting your mind back to this time last year, have you made any positive changes that have improved your leadership or management capabilities? What about making some this year?

And a bonus question. Do you depend on alcohol, drugs, excessive intake of food, sugar, caffeine, or other external stimulants to enjoy this holiday? Could you experience true and real joy, peace, pleasure, happiness and OK-ness without these? What would your experience be like this holiday without dependence on external sources or stimulants to give you a boost or to artificially make you feel joyful or happy?
Are you willing to try this? If not, why not?

Happy 4th!

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Stories You Tell Yourself

What are the stories you tell to yourself to excuse, rationalize and justify why you are not where you want to be in your life?

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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Conformity and Authenticity

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

Probably one of the greatest social pressures people feel today is the pressure to conform – to be like another or others in some way, shape or form. Early on in life we learned that if we wanted the support of others, or the love, acknowledgment, or recognition, etc. of others, it was necessary to please those others. Another flavor of this dynamic is garnering the approval of others when we conform to their expectations of how they think we ought to be. 

The quid-pro-quo of conforming
The downside of conforming is that in order to gain, we lose. That is, in order to gain acceptance, approval, love and/or recognition of another, we give up something of our self. It’s a costly dynamic. Caught in this dynamic, we create two selves – the self we know and feel we really are and the self, rather the impression or false self, we present to others. Most often, over time, the image that we effort to give others (in conforming) we often take on as our real self. In the process, we lose touch with our true and real self and, consciously and unconsciously, the result is pain and suffering. Becoming split off from our true and real self, from our true and real identity, we go through life sort of teeter- tottering and feeling off-balance, without really knowing why.

Conforming is like being a shark
Living a life of conforming results in a state of unconscious confusion. In other words, when we become so outwardly focused – dependent on “it,” “her,” “him” or “them,” to feel loved, acknowledged, seen, recognized and the like – we have this incessant need to move from person to person, place to place, thing to thing, etc. to feel fulfilled – not like a shark’s need to continuously move to stay alive. The shark has its oxygen; the conformist has theirs.

Conforming, unconsciously, is what keeps us alive. Is not unlike a progressive drug – the more we use it, the greater the dose we need to get the same “high.” Without it, we don’t feel alive.

The antidote to conforming
The antidote to conforming is the inner journey – giving up the externals and investing our time and energy on what’s inside. After all, this is where true authenticity resides. This is where our true and real self resides. 

This journey does not mean we give up the faux image we’ve been presenting to others, our persona, our faults or our limitations. The inner journey supports us to accept our faults, our foibles, and “fake” self, but in the process the inner journey supports us to live from the inside out – where the “I” we discover within now drives our do-ings and be-ings.

The non-conforming
When we discover our true, real and authentic self, and live from the inside-out, we live life from a place of clarity, a crystal-clear “knowing,” that supports us to live as an independent being, no longer wanting or needing to be a conformist. From this place. we much more readily give, serve and support others for our mutual highest good. 

From this place, we lead a much more “conscious” life. We feel alive, fresh, purposeful and authentic.   

Questions for self-reflection:

• Where in your life, do you tend to be a conformist? How so? Would others agree with you? 
• What does conforming get you? 
• Do you ever consider yourself to be value-less, or worthless? How so? 
• Are there areas or aspects of your life you seem to be continually avoiding? Why? 
• What are your earliest memories or experiences related to conforming? 
• Did you ever talk about conforming with your parents or primary caregivers? What were those conversations like? 
• What is one area of your life where you could stop being a conformist? Are you willing to give it a try? Why or why not?

—————————————————–
(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

What Are You Doing, And Why?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

It’s All About Integrity

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” – Sir John Lubbock 

 When we experience harmony and balance in our lives – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – it’s most often because there is a conscious alignment between what we think, feel, say and do. We are in integrity. Our life choices and decisions have a “felt-sense” of being true, honest and sincere. We have a “knowing” that our thinking, feeling, being, having and doing come from a place that is honest, sincere and self-responsible.

When we lack congruity between what we think, feel, say and do, we often experience a mental, emotional, spiritual and, sometimes, a physical sense (think of an upside-down isosceles triangle teetering on it’s tip, not on its flat base) of imbalance, disconnect, disorientation or dizziness. How could we not?

The ground of our being, the foundation of who we are, and how we are, is built on the degree of honesty in our expression – our thoughts, feelings, speech and actions. This foundation can begin to deteriorate when integrity – the concrete of the foundation – contains too much water, or too little sand or unwanted impurities. The result is our living life feeling confused, unsure, powerless – often feeling like a fake or phony.

“Honor your integrity and you will be repaid many times over with increased prosperity.”  – Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer 

The way we honor our integrity is to first be clear and conscious of the values that matter most – our core values – those that reside in our heart. Secondly, we are in integrity when we live these values – holding them, speaking them and being them.

“The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one’s self.” – Phillip James Bailey 

 Self-Deception
When we lack alignment or congruence between what we think, feel, say or do, most often we are living a life of self-deception – hiding from our True, Real and Authentic Self. We are a fraud. We spend much of our life telling ourselves, and others, “stories.” We rationalize, justify and argue in feeble attempts to be comfortable with our deception, our excuses, our “faux” self. 

When we scan various areas of our life – career and livelihood, personal environment and organization, health and wellness, abundance and finances, play and recreation, intimacy and partnership, friends and family, and spiritual and personal growth – where are we in integrity and where are we out of integrity? Where are we forthright and honest and where are we dishonest, deceptive and cheating – our self and others? Where are we true to our word, our trustworthiness, our commitments and promises? Where are we taking a “left turn” or “cutting corners?”

Staying With The Energy of Integrity
When we are in integrity, we experience an energy, the “felt-sense” of “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right action.” We experience a sense a strength, courage, steadfastness, discipline, inspiration, intuitiveness and will that arises from deep within. We are able to ward off thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, premises, “stories” and impulses that would otherwise knock us off our game. 

The way we stay in integrity is by being consciously conscious – continually, throughout our day, asking, “What am I doing right here and right now, and why?” We’re consistently looking at our motives? Am I angry, afraid, fearful, resentful, jealous, overwhelmed, sad, confused, etc? Am I feeling connected with others. Am I being selfish?

The question leads to motives. Motives come from values. So, an opportunity to explore what’s going on with me in this moment, and this moment, and this moment…and, why. This practice is a wonderful way to become more conscious of our fundamental motives and whether our motives truly serve us well and support our being in integrity. 

Integrity – The Planetary Connection
“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes 

The core value of integrity is Purpose-related. Purpose points to why we’re on the planet. Many folks, if they’re being honest, will admit much of their activity lacks Purpose. When we lack Purpose, there’s no “center that holds.” Many folks can tell you what they’re doing in various life areas, but are hard-pressed to tell you why – they often lack a deeper, heart-driven intentionality or motives. Without Purpose-driven core values informing our thinking, feeling, speaking and action, we’re more than not experiencing imbalance and dis-harmony in our life – an experience that keeps us from being in integrity.

Character is most determined by integrity. Character is how we are when no one is watching. When we are out of integrity, we are dishonest and our dishonesty becomes the thread that runs through our dealing and associations – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. It’s hard for us to be trusted when we’re out of integrity.

So, when you turn off the lights tonight and tuck yourself in, are you (have you been) at peace and in integrity with yourself?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are there choices and decisions you need to make that could take you out of integrity? How so? Do you make them anyway? Why?
• Do you use the same definition to define integrity for yourself as you do for others? If not, why not? Do you consistently walk your talk? Would others – at work, at home and at play and in your relationship – agree with you?
• Do your life choices and decisions support you to hold yourself in high regard?  How so?
• Do you feel integrity is a robe you can put on and take off when convenient? How do you justify that perspective?
• Who or what stops you from acting in integrity? How so?
• When you’re not acting with integrity, what kind of self-talk do you engage in?  What kinds of feelings do you experience?
• Do your needs for control, recognition and security stop you from acting with integrity?  How so?
• Does it matter if you’re not acting with integrity? 
• Do you ever excuse, justify or rationalize acting without integrity? If so, when and why? 
• On an integrity scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high), how would you rate yourself when it comes to the following behaviors: gossiping, bullying, viewing or downloading porn, stealing physical materials, stealing intellectual property, stealing time, telling the truth, making excuses, being direct, open and honest in your communications, respecting others, obeying rules and regulations, and being faithful? 
• What was your experience around honesty and integrity like when you were growing up?

—————————————————–
(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

Living in the Gutter – Why Change is Challenging

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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” – Henry David Thoreau

Daily we’re bombarded with new books, videos, podcasts, conferences, news, and research about why folks behave irrationally – even when they “know” their behavior isn’t rational. We learn why affirmations, acting “as if,” “faking it til you make it” and other strategies and tactics often don’t lead to sustainable change, and why change is so difficult even when the brain is supposed to be so “plastic,” etc. Why is true and lasting change and transformation so challenging? Here’s one perspective. See how it works for you.

The Gutter
Visualize the “gutter,” the ball return “groove,” on either the side of a bowling alley lane. Assume that at one time this “gutter” was perfectly flat. Visualize that, with guide barriers keeping the bowling ball moving in a straight line along the gutter surface, the ball consistently moves from the far end of the alley to the near end where it returns to a ball-holding area.

Over seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years, the ball begins to carve out its own pathway, and at some point no longer needs any guides to control its movement/direction. The ball now follows it’s own self-created pathway – day in and day out, night in and night out, over and over, with never a change in direction. The ball seemingly has a mind of its own. A sort of programming.

Who Carves Your Groove?
Think of the initial guide barriers on either side of the “groove” as representing your parents or primary caregivers, your siblings, relatives, playmates, teachers, clergy, etc. – i.e., those who “guided” you from infancy to about the five, six, seven…

And think of that “groove” as the neurological pathways, neurons, and synapses in your brain – each representing an “habitual way” of doing, be-ing, having and thinking (i.e., thoughts, beliefs, actions, assumptions, premises, expectations, “stories,” feelings, emotions and worldviews that created your orientation to, and perceptions of, your world).

Even with all the neurobiological and brain science research touting “brain plasticity,” and popular “wisdom” annotating how irrational we are in spite of our protestations to the contrary, etc. we can begin to have a glimpse of why many folks cannot or will not change.

“All appears to change when we change.” – Henri-Frederic Amiel

Re-Smoothing the Groove
In order for true, real and lasting change to occur, one of two things has to happen: (1) we have to “sand-paper” down the original grooves and/or (2) create new grooves representing new ways of do-ing, be-ing, having and thinking. Either way, both of these tasks require concerted time and effort, self-discipline, heightened self-awareness, and, more, they require commitment. And here is why “recidivism” of a sort haunts most folks who want change.

Clinging to Old Ways
What prevents most folks from carving out new grooves is that they’re wired to hang on to their original groves. They are “clinging.”

Most folks live in a “closed system” – a loyalty to our own internal reality – resistant to change. We become in the present what we became in the past., i.e., we “futurize our past.” In Buddhist terms, we are attached to this inner reality, constantly reconditioning to itself. The brain also continually generates this closed internal representation of our outer world, seeing and relating to it the same way, over and over again, even if, IN REALITY, the outer world is changing. We are stuck in our “grooves.” We become caught in an emotional and psychological attachment – to survive – to stay, i.e., be, the same in order to feel safe ands secure.  

As adults, our orientation to our world is largely how we were as infants, then children, then as adolescents, as young adults…. As adults, we are our earliest “grooves.”  Again, we “futurize our past.”

Be a Work in Progress
The good news is that this “stability” helped us survive and make sense of our world as infants and children. The not-so-good news is that this “stability” locks us into seeing and reacting to our present world and experiences in similar ways over time, i.e, we are hardwired to be resistant to change.

The key to true and lasting change, from the perspective of some psychotherapists, and from a Buddhist perspective, is to open the closed system in such a way that we do not view our self as a calcified, reified structure but rather as a “process” – often why many folks who do deep personal work say they are “works in progress.” They no longer identify as “I am this” or “I am that” but see themselves simply as “being” (resulting from the process of sandpapering down the old grooves, and loosening the hard, rigid identification (guard rails) with one’s self, i.e., “who I think I am” or “who I take myself to be.”) and creating new grooves.

Change Cannot Be Cognitive Alone
An important point here is that such change most often cannot be done through the mind, i.e., “cognitive” efforts, alone. True change needs to be processed through a conscious mind-body-spirit process – one reason why “positive thinking”-type efforts seldom produce true, lasting and sustainable change and transformation. The mind alone cannot “open” it’s own closed system.

Think of the moment you wake up. That split moment. When perhaps you hear the birds communing, or notice the sky, or hear the rain, or really smell the coffee – that split moment before “thinking” kicks in. That’s the place where true change and transformation takes place. That’s the place where we are an “open system.” Here, we are not conditioned by past experiences. We are completely present to our experience, right here and right now. No brain/mind to interrupt, to interpret, to link our present moment to past experience. Once “thinking “begins, almost all (change) bets are off.

As soon as we allow this moment to become influenced by memory, conditioning, and past experience, we slide right into the old “grooves” and are taken over by past perceptions, judgments, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, emotions, etc. – back to the old ways of “I am this” and “I am that.” We futurize our past. Our history, memory and experience take over. Our present is experienced through our past. We are clinging.

As soon as we begin “thinking,” then all the old feeling and emotional patterns related to our thoughts also arise. The clinging process is mental, cellular, neuronal, emotional, psychological and physiological as all our old patterns, urges, needs and desires arise, often unconsciously – just as the ball habitually returns to its starting place. Clinging that reinforces our closed-system inner reality, our old, habitual self.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

Clinging is the basis of resistance to change. Clinging is a survival strategy that emanates from deep, deep down in our core. In every “new” situation, we keep “re-birthing” our old, fixed self and in the process our familiar, protective ways of defending our old, familiar, resistant self also arise. This process is our “way of life.”

Presence
A process that leads one to a conscious, deeper awareness of these dynamics, a process that supports one to move into presence (where identity with “grooves’ is non-existent), where there is no need to defend, where there is no attachment to “I am this” or “I am that,” is one possible way to experience true and real shift and change. The “mind” alone cannot foster such change and that’s one reason we read of so many examples of “irrationality.”

The challenge is to choose to move away from “things mental and rational” into “things spiritual” (not religious or theological, but spiritual) where we shift from identification and the need to perpetuate our conditioned or habitual self, but towards an alignment or connection to our self as we are in that moment when we wake up, in that present-time experience, before “I”/”me” kicks in.

True and lasting change is an eminent possibility. But it takes time, consciousness, striving, honesty, steadfastness, courage, strength, will and lots of love and compassion for one’s self – qualities that for many in our culture seem to be in short supply.

We can smooth out our old grooves, the “gutter” of our past, the “irrationality,” and create new grooves – but just not by 9:00 tomorrow morning – a sad realization for many enmeshed in our microwave-oriented, Twitter- Tik-Tok-connected, 15-second sound-bite, seeking-immediate-gratification culture.

“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” – James Gordon, M.D.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• On a scale of 1-10, what number describes your general feeling of impatience?
• Do you ever reflect on how you came to be who you are, what you think or why you act the way you do? If so, what do you see about yourself? If not, are you curious as to why not?
• Do you feel enslaved by your electronic life? Is this by choice?
• What “old grooves” would you like to sand down and eliminate? What new groove would you like to create? Are there obstacles that prevent you from doing either, or both? How so?
• Do you ever behave “irrationally” – do-ing or be-ing in ways you know you shouldn’t? If so, why? What does acting “irrationally” get you?
• What of your past do you cling on to? How so?
• Can you envision a world where you feel free in (most) every moment, where you can let go of notions of how you “should” be and dis-identify with “I am this” or “I am that?,” where you’re not a fixed entity but a process?

—————————————————–
(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

No Mud, No Lotus

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

Over the years, I’ve become a devout believer in the notion of necessary suffering – that you cannot heal, grow or become -conscious,” and deeply self-aware, without suffering.

Thich Nhat Hahn, Buddhist monk and author, puts it this way:

“It’s like growing lotus flowers. You cannot grow lotus flowers on marble. You have to grow them on the mud. Without mud, you cannot have a lotus flower. Without suffering, you have no ways in order to learn how to be understanding and compassionate. That’s why my definition of the kingdom of God is not a place where suffering is not, where there is no suffering…”

For me, it’s not a question of whether you believe in God (Source, or whatever you call a Higher Power), nor is it about religion or theology. It is about how one transforms to a higher state of self-awareness and consciousness (one’s True, Authentic Self) so that one can walk the planet on a daily basis from a place of equilibrium, inner peace and equanimity.

The Buddha says:

“As a blue or white lotus is born in the water,
grows up and is unpolluted by the water,
so too has the perfected one grown up in the world,
has risen above the world
and stands unpolluted by it.” – samyutta nikaya 22.94

The science of it all
The reason the Lotus flower is not polluted is due to its leaves. The leaves represent what is known as the “Lotus effect” – the leaves are so structured that water beads up and off the leaves, keeping the flower from being polluted. In fact, the leaves clean the lotus of real or potential pollution.

The science, according to Wikipedia, is:  …”due to their high surface tension water droplets tend to minimize their surface trying to achieve a spherical shape. On contact with a surface, adhesion forces result in wetting of the surface: either complete or incomplete wetting may occur depending on the structure of the surface and the fluid tension of the droplet.” The cause of self-cleaning properties is the hydrophobic water-repellent double structure of the surface.
 
The nature of pollution
So, consider your life – at work, at home, ay play and in relationship. Are you confronted by “suffering” in some way, shape or form daily? Better, how are you confronted by suffering on a daily basis? Most of us are. How is it that we can manage to NOT be immersed by the polluted waters – literally and figuratively – of the context of our past and immediate environments? 

The fact is, each one of us grows up immersed in the “mud” – an environment characterized by wounding – abuse, criticism, judgments, abandonment, rejection and the like – an environment in which every family operates, into which every human being is born. It’s the human experience. The degree of suffering may differ; but the muddy environment is there. The mud also represents painful childhood memories. Later on in life, the mud represents our immediate, real-world, real-time  “suffering” – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically – that arises in the form of our life challenges – health, finances, social and living conditions, career, relationships, social life, etc.

When we get in touch with our own suffering, head-on – recognizing it, being open to it, chewing on it, digesting it, understanding the purpose of it, metabolizing it, rather than denying and avoiding it, we grow, we become more conscious, self-aware. When this happens, suffering is still there, but the “charge” or pull it used to have becomes less and less,as we understand the reasons for the suffering, how it leads to our growth, our self-understanding and our healing. It’s the idea that you can have pain, but you don’t have to suffer.

The antidote to pollution
The growth of the Lotus, our individual Lotus, represents transformation – moving from suffering towards happiness, love, peace, and stillness in our life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

When we do the “work” to transform, we gain clarity, insights, AHA moments all of which point to the “purpose” of our suffering, our wounding, and our challenges. In the process of understanding, something shifts. Your attitudes, your responses, your perspective. Where your focus is more on your Lotus, less on the mud.

Understanding our own suffering, we can also begin to understand others’ as well – the place from which love and compassion grow. Many of us resist getting in touch with our suffering. But, when we do get in touch, we actually suffer less. We become the Lotus.

That’s the nature of the Lotus. That’s the nature of the mud.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you ever feel like a victim? If so, why? How does that show up in your life?
• Has your suffering taught you anything/lessons? How so? What have you seen/learned?
• What would it be like if you viewed your suffering as happening FOR you and not TO you?
• Do you feel you are in control of your life? If not, why not?
• Do you believe that change begins with you?
• Do you tend to move away from your discomfort? If so, what might it be like to embrace it? How do you feel when you consider this option?
• To what degree (1-10), on a daily basis, do you identify with the mud, with the Lotus?
• How did you experience suffering as a child? Do you still carry scars of that suffering with you now? How so?

P.S. If you’re someone with a tendency to want/need to fix, save or otherwise rescue others from their suffering, the story of the butterfly and the cocoon is worth reading. You can find one of many versions here.


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(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

What’s New?

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Funny how the new things are the old things.” – Rudyard Kipling 

In addition to COVID, Omicron, other COVID variants and other myriad illnesses and maladies folks suffer from these days is another – neophilia – defined by Merriam-Webster as “love of or enthusiasm for what is new or novel.” Most folks have some element of neophilia in their personality and some degree of neophilia makes the economy run and spurs innovation, but it seems that more and more folks are suffering from an incurable and deadly strain of the “need for something new” disease, or dis-ease.

While neophilia is not a new disease, it seems more and more folks suffer from it – the obsession, preoccupation and intense need to experience whatever is NEW. Japanese (and other) research shows that for some reason the word “new” arouses a part of the brain as does an addiction disorder – producing dopamine, a pleasure transmitter.. 

From clothes, cell phones, food, TV fare, and cars, to religious and spiritual practices, to leadership and management approaches, to ways of relating (social networks?), to beer with vitamins (hmmm), folks seem to be obsessively attracted to the new and improved. The curious question, of course, is why?

Many folks erroneously equate new with value (not valuable but value). Advertising, marketing and commercialism, and a lineage of folks in families which worship new, have brainwashed a vast majority of folks into believing that new is always better, more important, of greater quality or of great value. Is that the truth?

Folks who have grown to be obsessed with, and steeped in, commercialism and consumerism gravitate toward the new. 

And, there are those who are taken in by the “new.” Many folks, even cultures, honor, value and appreciate the old because the old is not simply “old,” but because the old possesses a sense of character, symbolic valueand a connection to wisdom. While the new is often fleeting, ephemeral, and tends toward quick “value evaporation,” the old serves a deeper, more grounded way of maintaining relationships and connections with history, time, people and culture.

To me, It’s readily evident that much of modern life lacks soul, lacks a deeper, core connection that we  knew as value. Today’s value is much more superficial, meaning-less and soulfully lacking. Today’s value is more about appearance (form) ratherthan substance, the external devoid ofthe internal, thesurface image as opposed to intrinsic worth, and all too often net worth is the imposter for self-worth.  

Many today view their world with their eyes wide shut, with a soul that’s been blinded. The fact is that it’s not about new vs. old, but about moving beyond the superficial and appearances. When we spend time connecting with our life – our relationships and our possessions – from a soul perspective, a place of centeredness, quietude and depth, then we can orient to the world in a way that truly allows us to discern what’s true and real. When our physical eyes connect to our soul, a genuine intelligence arises that allows us to look deeply as we seek to know the true value and worth of every person and every thing that is part of our personal experience. 

The underlying pleasure of our deeper soul for that which is fresh, creative and vital has been usurped by the shallowness of novelty, by the attendant brain-washing for what is “new,” “improved,” “hot” and “must have.” Orienting to our world from a soul perspective guides us to look through the hollowness and fakeness of image, appearanceand hype. From this place, we have the possibility of experiencing the true substance, value and meaningnot only of our own life but the lives of others –  at work, at home, at play and in relationship. 

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• What value do you experience from the material possessions and the people in your life? What fads or trends or “new” do you track regularly? What “new” does not have any charge for you? How do you feel when you do this inquiry? 
• What things and people in your life possess true and real character, uniqueness and soul? Is this exploration easy or difficult? How so?
• What aspects of your life at work, at home and at play are wrapped in the superficial? How does this affect your relationships?  Have  you ever considered this before?
• Does constant obsession with the new ever get old? Honestly. 
• Do you ever feel lacking, deficient or “out of the loop” because you don’t have the newest? How so? 
• Do you ever feel shallow, or worthless or value-less?  What was “new” like when you were growing up? 

“Know thyself,” said the old philosopher, “improve thyself,” saith the new. Our great object in time is not to waste our passions and gifts on the things external that we must leave behind, but that we cultivate within us all that we can carry into the eternal progress beyond.” – Edward Bulwer-Lytton

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(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

I quote; therefore, I am.

“……………..”

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905
 
Don’t Do as I Quote; Do as I Do

As one who works in the self-help arena, I’ve been noticing an ever-increasing phenomenon these days and that is, throwing around quotation after quotation in the sense that the quote will (what?) support one’s own movement towards change or transformation, or spur another towards change and transformation or that it might be taken as a  sign of one’s wisdom, intelligence and the like?

Perhaps, it’s the social media focus on the sound-bite, the emphasis on 140-character communication.

In either case, my curiosity centers around “not what I quote” but “do I live what I quote?”.

I think quotes have a place, depending on how we use them. Do motivational quotes on corridor and office walls honestly and truly motivate? Do success quotes in sports arenas, locker rooms, and in schools really produce successful athletes and students? Do pithy management and leadership quotes truly result in inspired leaders, managers and engaged employees?? Do love and relationship quotes lead to healthier and more conscious relationships? (And, by the way, the same might be said of affirmations, or books, or visualizations, but that’s another reading.)

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
Do quotes “work?”
In my experience, yes; but in few cases. How so?

Some folks have actually changed their lives, transformed, partially as a result of integrating, embodying and “living” quotes. A vast majority, however, cannot seem to integrate the sentiment, message or inspiration of a quote into their actual, daily do-ing and be-ing – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – in a sustainable, long-term, self-disciplined way to effect  true and real change, to honestly and self-responsibly forward the action of their life and become a new, different  person.

If you Google “self-improvement quotations,” “management quotations, “leadership quotations,” “relationship quotations,” and “success quotations,” (or “sayings),”and the like,  you’ll come up with thousands, millions of hits.

I quote success; I am success – there is a difference

Let’s look at success quotations as an example. What do these success quotes have in common?
 
“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” – Bob Dylan

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives.” – Albert Einstein

“Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.” –  I Ching No. 3
 
“The successful man is the average man, focused.” Anonymous

“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Anonymous

So, what do these quotes have in common?

What these quotes have in common is that they’re all someone else’s quotes, someone else’s notion of success. And this is important. Why?

Because I’m curious how many people’s lives – tens, hundreds, thousand, millions – have actually been demonstrably changed for the better, over the long-term, as a result of reading one or more of someone else’s quotes? I suspect few, very few. Why?

What I often experience are folks who share, quote or think about someone else’s neat, cool, pithy quotation as a “nice idea,” but have never consciously taken the time to internalize, integrate, chew on, digest, metabolize and deeply reflect upon it so it becomes part of their own cellular, molecular make-up, their being.

Instead, beyond the time it takes to utter or write a 140-character idea-string, or utter a quote, they often return to a life that’s characterized by misalignment, dis-harmony, imbalance, confusion, self-doubt and overwhelm. They want “success” or happiness, or a better way of being a leader, manager, partner or spouse from someone’s else’s dream, aspiration or quote; but, it’s not working. They haven’t personalized, internalized, operationalized it.

Don’t quote the quote; be the quote

For me, the most important tool for success in life is reflection, deep reflection which many are unable or willing to engage in, will not undertake, and, then, follow up with goal delineation, planning and scheduling, and implementing conscious self-management and self-discipline to be(come) the quotation. Many, living lives of indecision, dis-harmony and self-deceit, find they can only quote the quote, not be the quote.

Sometimes, folks do incorporate the quotation as a “living” quotation. For example, they define “success,” or “relationship,” or “motivation” as “results.” But, achieving results without learning something about one’s self often leads to an incomplete and often “un-success-ful” “lived quotation” in the short or long term. Do-ing alone (i.e., results), without be-ing, is not a solid formula for success, or happiness, or successful leading, managing or relating. 

These folks who accomplish results (“success?”) but without personal growth, often wonder why they don’t feel better, alive, fulfilled. They often admit they don’t experience good health, energy, enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind. They are “successful,” after all. So, what’s “off?”
So, what does quoting get you?

Many of us love quotes – about life, love, relationships, leading, managing and the like. But these quotes are simply ideas, each as grand as the tiny molecule in the brain that holds it. Unless “operationalized,” and practiced, as a practice, the idea can be gone in an instant. Then what? Another quote, another quick burst of a feel-good moment? Nothing sustainable.

For many, the idea, the sentiment, the quote is quickly obliterated just as if they had written it in the sand on the beach – ephemeral – wiped out in a moment.

For others, the idea, like a “success” quotation, is engraved in an indelible way in their brain, in their cellular make-up, in their psyche and their being. They are a living embodiment of the quote. Big difference.

So, I guess there are quotes and there are quotes. It’s what we do with them, and why, that matters.

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• Do you often quote others? Why? What does quoting others get you?
• Do you incorporate others’ quotes into the fabric of your daily life – i.e., the way you live life at work, at home, at play and in relationship? How so?
• Can you recall the last ten quotes you shared? Last five? Last one?
• Has your life changed, truly changed, as the result of any quotes you took to heart? Were you truly inspired and motivated to be or act differently, consistently? How so?
• Do you ever feel empty, unhappy, or unfulfilled even though you know a lot of “happy” quotations? Do you live in a prison of self-defeating or self-limiting thoughts or quiet desperation even though you “know’ a lot of motivational and inspirational quotations? Why is that?
• Do you ever use quotations to persuade others you’re intelligent or wise?
• What might happen if you never used quotes? How might that make you feel? If you seldom or never used quotations, would you feel lacking or deficient? Why?
• Is your self-worth partially defined by how often, how much, you use quotations?
• Did you grow up around quotations? Who did you parents or primary caregivers quote?
• Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” Does that resonate with you? How so?

(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

When Emotions Visit

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

by Rumi – Taken from SELECTED POEMS by Rumi, Translated by Coleman Barks (Penguin Classics, 2004).

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who’s been visiting you lately? Do you know why? Can you be curious?
• Do you tend to reject your own feelings and emotions? Do you resist the thoughts and emotions passing through you?  If so, why do you think that’s so?
• Have you ever experienced a broken heart? How did you deal with that experience?
• Can you accept everything about yourself without apologizing, blaming, or regretting? If not, why not?
• Can you meet your thoughts and emotions with courage, warmth, gratitude and kindness?
• Do you ever doubt your self-worth?
• Do you tend to ruminate or catastrophize? What does ruminating or catastrophizing get you?
• Do you tend to bury your emotions (even though you’re burying them alive)?
• Do you ever feel trapped in the prison of your own mind?
• Can you envision a time when you’re grateful for all the visitors who come to your guest house?
• What do you need to “clear out?”
• Are there parts of yourself you tend to suppress? How so? When did you first begin to suppress them?
• Are there parts of yourself you used to suppress. but no longer do so? What changed/how so?
• Can you live alongside your challenging thoughts/emotions? How so?

—————————————————–
(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is -maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

You, Me and Venn – Exploring The Truth of Your Relationship

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else.”  Samuel Rogers 

First, let’s introduce Venn, actually, the Venn Diagram. In its simplest form a Venn Diagram shows two overlapping circles which illustrate similarities, differences, and relationships between groups (here, we’ll use a couple you and your partner/spouse). Statements of partners’ preferences are represented in each circle, the part where they don’t intersect or overlap.

Similarities and differences in both partners’ preferences are then represented in the space where the two circles overlap.  

If you’re experiencing a disconnect or discomfort in your relationship – at work, at home or at play – using this Venn Diagram exercise can support you to explore what’s “underneath” your discomfort and discover the truth of your relationship dis-harmony or imbalance. 

Here’s how this exercise works.

Use relatively large circles; I suggest using flip-chart or poster board size paper. 

In one of the circles, where it does not overlap the other, write your name (Partner A). In the other circle where it does not overlap, Partner B’s name. Agree on categories related to your life which you’ll explore (I’ll suggest a few, below). Caution: do not collude with one another to choose categories that are “safe.” If a possible category makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a sure sign it’s worth exploring. You both must choose and agree upon the same categories.

Before each category title, write “my.”  Here are some suggested categories: (my) life visions, life goals, interests/hobbies, choices about how I like to spend time, values, preferred ways to express emotions and feelings, beliefs about relationship, beliefs about family, beliefs about career, beliefs about intimacy, ways of relating to money, beliefs about trust, beliefs about independence/space, beliefs about health, beliefs about spirituality, wishes for my partner, ways to deal with stress, beliefs about children, ways of dealing with conflict, beliefs about using alcohol and drugs, beliefs about household chores, beliefs about fun, or control, etc.

(Note: if you’re exploring a workplace relationship with a colleague, boss, direct report and the like, categories might be: (my) views about work, beliefs about bosses, beliefs about leading/managing, beliefs about employees, workplace values, etc.)

Then, in the space where the two circles overlap, write down the same categories and instead of using “my,” use “our.” So, in this space you might have: our life visions, our life goals, our values, our beliefs about intimacy, our beliefs about household chores, etc. 

Now you’re ready to begin exploring individual aspects of your relationship to see what you discover about compatibility or incompatibility. 

Working alone or together write your categories in your “circle” (allowing lots of room underneath each to itemize your preferred ways of be-ing and do-ing).  So, for example, if one category is “my ways of relating to money,” list the ways: e.g.,  fearful I’ll never have enough; spend as much as I make; money grows on trees; don’t like saving money; I love shopping; don’t feel I’m responsible with my money, etc. Got it? Each Partner lists the ways they relate to money, under the category title. Then, on to the next category. Continue until you’ve covered all the categories. This may take some time: a few hours, or on and off for a few days. Allow lots of time. This is serious stuff. Remember to list all the categories in the area where the circles overlap, beginning each category with “our,” instead of “my.”

The next step. One partner chooses a category and one by one reads their list to the other. If the other partner has a similarly-worded item (doesn’t have to be word for word but the notion, concept, idea or behavior has to be close in meaning or action), place a plus (+) sign under that category (the “our” category” ) in the area where the two circles overlap. No need to repeat the item just a “plus” (+) sign to indicate a match or compatibility. When an item does not match your partner, place a “minus” (-) sign under that category. Plus signs might be blue. Minus signs might be red ..or whatever differentiating color suits you.

Alternate the process. As Partner A reads one of their entries, Partner B looks for a match. If there’s a match, place a colored plus sign in the overlapping space; if not place a colored minus sign. Then Partner B reads an entry; Partner A looks for a match, followed with a plus or minus sign under that category in the intersecting space. So, if Partner A, under the category “Life Visions” has “live in a large house in the country” and Partner B has “own a condo in the city,” place a “minus sign” under the category, ” our life visions,” in the space where the circles overlap. Do this for every item in every category.

Also, for every “my” item that has a match, highlight that item with a color; for every “my” item that has no match, highlight it in the other color. 

“The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation.” – Andrew Schneider 

It’s important – actually, crucial – that during this exercise Partners do not judge, blame, nit-pick, justify, nag the other or otherwise “defend” their belief, behavior or item. It is what it is. You match or you don’t. Breathe, relax, and be present to yourself. Be open and curious, not judgmental.

Now, what?

When you’ve completed the exercise, three things will stand out:

1. the number of colored plus signs indicating agreement or compatibility

2. the number of colored minus signs indicating differences or incompatibility, and

3. the number of blue and red, for example, highlighted items in your “my” categories indicating, specifically, where you match and where you don’t.

Now, stand back and look at your collective sheets for ten to fifteen seconds. Then, IMMEDIATELY, close your eyes and sense into your body notice what physiological sensations, feelings and emotions you’re experiencing. Notice your breathing, your heart-rate, posture, neck and shoulder area, face and eyes, and overall how your body feels. Here is where the truth of your relationship lies. In this sensing experience (NOT in your attempt to justify your self with logical, defensive, attacking or judgmental “mental activity”), you will begin to discover the truth of your relationship. The truth is in your body and here lies the source for your discussion and exploration (see below).

Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us. – Eknath Easwaran

One major reason relationships fail – basically, where partners are not on the same page – is the disconnects between the two partners. These disconnects can be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or psychological. 

Another reason for failed relationships is the partners have been unable or unwilling to move from an “I vs. you” relationship to a “we” relationship.  

If you conduct this experience honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly, you’ll both have a clear idea if you are growing together or growing apart, if your relationship is aligned or “two ships passing in the night,” if you’re involved in a win-win, loving, caring and committed relationship or a “me-first,” selfish relationship, or simply roommates masquerading as a couple.

This discovery process will tell you where relationship lies on your list of priorities and whether or not your actions reflect that priority, and whether you are making healthy and conscious, or unhealthy and unconscious, relationship choices and decisions. Are you open to compromise? What non-negotiable issues exist, and why? Are you mutually supportive or overtly or silently antagonistic toward your partner? 

The exercise and resulting discussion should indicate in which direction your relationship is moving. Are you moving forward with your eyes wide open, or sideways with your eyes wide shut?

Finally, and most importantly, this exercise is not about one or the other being “bad” or “wrong.” It’s about truth-telling and uncovering what’s underneath disagreements and disconnects – not in order to change one’s self or the other, but to look for ways to bring greater compatibility, connection and harmony into your relationship. “We-oriented” folks can do that. “I vs. you” folks cannot, or will not (the place to ask “why not?”) and work towards a deeper exploration (which, by the way, is probably better done in the presence of a qualified, professional, objective, non-judgmental third party such as a coach or counselor).

Truth is the foundation of trust. And trust garners respect and, ultimately, love. True, real connection and intimacy are a function of truth. If you’re interested in commitment, connection and consciousness, the journey is well worth the effort. The question is whether or not you’re willing to explore the truth about your relationship.

Some questions for self-reflection:

Do you and your partner sit down and openly and honestly explore questions like: “So how are we doing?” or “What was it like being in partnership with me this past week?” on a regular basis? If not, how do you feel about even the thought of doing this exercise?  How so?

Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to life’s issues and challenges? How do you know? 

Does your relationship look and feel harmonious and balanced or does it tack in one partner’s direction? 

Based on your experience with the exercise where do you feel you are vis-a-vis compatibility/incompatibility, say, on a scale of 1-10? 

What do you now see about yourself that maybe you didn’t see before and how do you feel about that?
—————————————–
(c) 2021, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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