Power and Perseverance

Happy New Year. Enjoy.

http://bit.ly/1Sqk5eG

Peace,
Peter

 

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Subverting Resolve in 2016

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New Year’s resolutions are on the tip of most everyone’s pen and tongue. Thousands of suggestions, “how tos,” and “best ways” are offered to help folks make, and carry through on, their New Year’s resolutions. Sadly, as in past years, 98% of those who make resolutions will have given up or failed by Valentine’s Day.

Three major causes of failure are: (1) most of our resolutions are “mental” – that is, often they are simply thoughts wrapped in a burst of enthusiasm that is, unsustainable, ephemeral and short-lived, (2) our intentionality does not come from “inside” – from our Core Self, our heart and soul and (3) we’re caught in a “victim mentality” where scapegoating runs our lives. As victims, we’re so obsessed with blaming that we lack the strength to gain clarity about why we resist change or fail to follow through on our intentions.

When we understand the nature of “victim consciousness,” we gain insight into how true and real change occurs.

When I’m a victim
The victim is rife with self-limiting and self-sabotaging habits and patterns of living, working and relating. It is these self-limiting patterns that prevent us from do-ing and be-ing from a place of honesty, integrity, self-responsibility, maturity, accountability, dedication, and commitment. It is our subconscious drives that cause us pain and suffering.

When we look deeply inside, honestly and self-responsibly, we uncover our shadow self – a self who’s feeling victimized, who lives a life of greed, ruthlessness, egocentricity, blind ambition, irresponsibility, inaction, and/or self-sabotage, who lives a life of quiet desperation.

Choosing to reflect and become conscious of these habits, patterns and programming in an effort to release them supports us to evolve to a place where clarity and a truthful picture of our inner and outer realities will serve us well.

The need for reflection
When we look deeply inside and reflect, we become more able to transmute the energies of our self-limiting habits and patterns into the energy of authenticity, integrity and trustworthiness – supported by our inner qualities of courage, commitment and steadfastness.

Four characteristics of a victim mentality are:

• lack of clarity about our goals: ping-ponging between realistic and unrealistic or illusory expectations and goals, and blaming others for our lack of clarity;
• inability to deal with time and resource limits and constraints and blaming others, or events, for our inability to use time and other resources effectively and intelligently;
• confusion around the law of cause and effect – lack of awareness about how we are creating/causing the current events in our life and a lack of clarity about how we can change our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, intentions, behaviors and actions to effect positive change, believing that my issues are not about “me” but about others who are responsible for my issues; and,
• denial that my life choices have positive or negative mental, physical, emotional and spiritual effects on my overall health and well-be-ing, and that my pain and suffering are caused by some external event or circumstances.

“You’re responsible for my state in life!”
Mired in the quicksand of victimization, we find ourselves constantly projecting our anger and negativity on to events, circumstances and others for our predicament. We project our (unconscious) inner frustration with ourselves out towards anyone or anything we feel we can blame for our state in life. Sadly, we’re actually creating our own universe, but blaming others because we have what we don’t want, or don’t have what we want.

The light comes from the dark
Taking time for honest and conscious self-reflection supports us to take responsibility for our self – including our “dark side.” Self-reflection sheds light on our “stories” we make up to avoid taking responsibility for how we project our “stuff” on to the world. Self-reflection supports us to identify how our emotional programming – anger, fears, etc. – create our lives at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

When we are honest and clear (i.e., see the “light”) about our wants and needs, and what we are willing to do, we can create a solid foundation for our personal growth and development. We attract and relate with others who share the same self-empowering life view.

When we understand the lessons we need to learn from our current situation, what we need to do becomes obvious. Then we have to choose to take action (or not, which is also a choice). However, this understanding requires focus, commitment, consistency and compassion for our self.

Spending time in our inner world through meditation, mindfulness, silence, journaling, being in nature, etc., is both emotionally and spiritually nourishing. This nourishment supports awareness of the “how” and “why” things appear in our lives – how we are creating our personal universe. Time in our inner world nurtures our capacity for self-love and self-kindness – which support us to create and inhabit a love-based, victim-less personal universe.

Moving out of the victim mentality
In this place of safety and protection, we begin to extricate our self from a victim mentality and move forward from a place of positivity and steadfastness. In our inner world, there can be no victimization as it’s a place of neutrality – a place of soul qualities – clarity, peacefulness, groundedness, stillness, surrender and allowing.

Self-reflecting helps us observe how we use our emotions to create our inner and outer worlds, our worlds of victimization. For example, are we being “nice” to accommodate others in our attempt to feel acknowledged, seen and loved or because we authentically wish to engage in adult, heart-felt, mature relationships – are we holding our physical, emotional and psychological boundaries with others or allowing others to threaten and abuse our boundaries so we can feel wanted and liked?

Once we have cultivated support, self-love and solid ground within, we can expand our space to include others. But we must be very conscious not to include any event, circumstance, idea, thing or person who will take us away from our center, from our self-love and move us back into feeling the victim.

When we surrender to someone else’s agenda, at work, at home, at play and in relationship, we enter their universe as a victim. The important question is why we allow others to control us. Perhaps, (1) We lack our own solid and self-confident life agenda; (2) We aren’t in touch with our heart and soul and we don’t trust ourselves; (3) We look to satisfy our wants and needs outside ourself and accommodate and compromise to be taken care of; or (4) We follow a path of least resistance in an attempt to avoid conflict and “keep the peace.” In all of these, we give away our power and become the victim.

Inner work and self-reflection, done diligently can often support us to (1) to realize our own authority, our power, (2) to assume responsibility for what we create and (3) to own the consequences of our choices, decisions and actions.

Inner work and self-reflection can support us to focus on what really matters, to let go of what holds us back, to trust our soul and Spirit for guidance and to use our core, inner strength (not “willpower” which is usually a short burst of enthusiasm and which hardly ever works) to take positive action for our self instead of engaging in self-destructive and self-sabotaging actions, releasing our self from the stranglehold of victimization.

Many “resolutions” are not conscious choices. They are knee-jerk reactions to something we don’t like about our self – and it’s usually about our “packaging” or some surface issue. True “resolve” requires a deep, inner, and conscious process. The start of 2016 is a wonderful opportunity to change our experience of failed “resolutions” to one of true and lasting change and transformation. We can choose to release the victim within and see what being in true control of our life is really, really like.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who or what is my guiding authority? How is this authority working for me?
• What are my core values and how do they direct my choices and decisions at work, at home, at play and in relationship?
• How do I choose and implement my personal standards?
• Am I self-reliant? How so?
• Do I ever explore the dynamics of my inner world?
• What bright light shines in my inner world?
• What does not shine in my inner world? Do I know why?
• What feelings and thoughts inhabit my inner world? Are they supportive or limiting?
• Who’s in my personal world? Are they supportive or toxic? Do I want them there? How have I attracted them into my life?
• Did I (or others in my family) experience being a victim when I was growing up? How so? What was that like?
• How can I create a more nurturing, loving and compassionate inner world for my body, mind and emotions?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Tragedy, Upset and Compassion

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The response of Parisians to the devastating attacks on their city has been to keep on enjoying life. The message that went out on Twitter was: “let’s make noise and light, to make them understand that they have lost”. That’s a powerful reminder of the challenges of dealing with the upsets and tragedies of life’s vicissitudes, both large and small.

How do you deal with those at work, at home, and in everyday life who you feel “wrong(ed)” you, treated you unfairly, or damaged your spirit? Do you seek revenge? Do you lash out? Are you an “eye for an eye” type, looking to gain your “pound of flesh?” Or are you forgiving, compassionate and understanding?

We know that pain and suffering can remain in their hearts. But, do we need to balance hurt with hate, with revenge, with “getting even? We ask “how could such folks forgive a terrible, unprovoked act of violence against the innocent?”

The role of compassion
In the Amish culture, it is taught that culture teaches forgiveness and placing the needs of others before themselves and that there is good in any situation. Vengeance and revenge is not a daily theme or way to deal with life.

They know that hatred is nothing more or less than a poison or a cancer that eats one alive. Forgiveness is what allows one to cope and move forward. Letting go of grudges is what allows them to focus on the work of their own healing.

Buddhists speak often of compassion. Not a compassion that is airy-fairy, soft, syrupy, but a compassion that allows one to bear the pain of another: to let go of the “me vs. you” struggle we so often allow to justify our need for getting even or to exact our pound of flesh, and to legitimize revenge.

The Dalai Lama wrote: “According to Buddhism, compassion is an aspiration. It’s a state of mind, wanting others to be free from suffering. It’s not passive, but rather an empathetic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering. Genuine compassion must have both wisdom and loving kindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (wisdom), and one must experience a deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (loving kindness).”

The Buddhist Monk, Pema Chodrin, says: “In order for us to have compassion for another, we have to have compassion for ourselves.” The way we have compassion for ourselves is not to avoid suffering and seek pleasure, but to directly connect to our own pain and suffering, not avoid it, not deny it, not cover it up, not medicate it, not to blame others for it; and then embrace the suffering of others.

“When we get in touch with our own pain and suffering and work with it, embrace it, learn from it and heal from it, we can then love ourselves, truly love ourselves, and in the process love others.

“In working with our pain and suffering we gain a larger and wider perspective on life, we become self-less, and open the door to understanding ourselves and others from a more spiritual, interconnected perspective. We have a larger view of reality, a view that is not emotional, reactive, muddied, or defensive, but a view that sees the oneness of all human beings regardless of their faults and foibles, regardless of the harshness of the words or actions.”

Getting to this place of compassion and forgiveness is one of the reasons we’re on the planet – to transmute our hate into love. Simple, but not always easy.

Some questions for self-reflection:
Do you allow the actions of others to make you angry, resentful, or hateful. How so?
What are your greatest fears and why?
Do you blame others for your state in life?
Do you have a need not only to get mad when you feel wronged, but get even? Why?
Do you hold any grudges?
Do you have a list of folks who have wronged you in life?
Do you live by an “eye for an eye” mantra?
If you “forgive, but do not forget” you’re really not forgiving. How do you feel about that approach to forgiveness? What emotions come up for you? Why?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Commitment and Harmony

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What is a commitment?
A commitment is an agreement that is (1) a fact demonstrated by observable and measurable behavior and (2) an attitude that reflects a consistency and alignment in thought and belief.

For example, a committed relationship is one in which your behavior demonstrates commitment in an operational and observable way, one in which your thoughts and beliefs about the relationship are consistent, and in alignment with, the notion of commitment.

So, if you say you’re in a committed relationship but never have time for your partner, that is not commitment.

If you spend 95% of your time with your partner but are consistently wishing or wanting to be elsewhere, not sure if the relationship is the right one, or fantasizing being with another person or persons, that is not commitment.

What is harmony?
Harmony is a state in which there’s congruence between what you say, feel, think and do. When one or more of these four elements is not in alignment with the others, you won’t experience harmony. Instead, you’ll experience a feeling of imbalance that results in little real happiness, meaning or purposefulness.

In a state of imbalance, you move drone-like though life – at work, at home, at play and in relationships.

When we’re committed, we show we care deeply and are engaged – yes, even at work.

Elements of commitment
For commitment to be conscious and healthy, four elements are necessary:

• Be clear about who you are, what you want in life and know how to get what you want
• Have a clear set of well-defined goals and purpose for your life that are in alignment with who you are, and your core values
• Engage in conscious preparation for the commitment by building the physical, mental, emotional, social, psychological and communication skills that will support your choice to commit
• Committing – making the conscious choice to commit, engage and participate. The path to happiness is paved with commitment. No commitment, no happiness. Perhaps a faux happiness, the appearance of happiness, but not the real, authentic thing. Instead, you’re always looking for more and for “the next best thing,” or person.

Living someone else’s beliefs
They have probably never sat down and reflected on their deeper life requirements or the core values underneath these requirements. More likely, what they have done (beginning in childhood) is come up with a list of work-life-play requirements based on someone else’s beliefs of what’s right, necessary or important. As a result, they have become indoctrinated with other peoples’ beliefs about what’s important. Consider those who consistently say they’re unhappy – at work, at home, or in their relationships. What’s most often lacking is commitment.

At the same time, they have never taken the time and energy to consciously explore inside and ask themselves what they really, really want. Rather, they blindly followed someone else’s vision or goal. It’s no wonder they cannot experience commitment.

Why mid-life crises now begin at 30
Many of those who have never really explored commitment in a meaningful way share some distinctive characteristics. They lack of clarity about their life purpose, their core values or the place of spirituality in their life. They have a consistent tendency to look outside themselves for life’s “answers.” They have a limited ability for self-reflection. They lack clarity about who they are. They go through life experiencing a low-grade-fever type of state where they experience frustration, agitation, unhappiness and discontent on a regular basis.

The antidote
The first step to exploring commitment is to look at the discrepancy that exists between commitment in fact and commitment in attitude to see what’s causing the discrepancy. (HINT: the cause is never “out there.”) This inquiry begins with personal responsibility, by asking things like:

“What’s going on with me that accounts for my lack of engagement or commitment (either in fact and/or in attitude)?”
“Why don’t I have what I want?”
“Why does having what I think I want always lead me to feeling unhappy, empty, lonely and unfulfilled?”
“Why do I always feel I’m on the outside looking in?”
“Why am I always asking others what they think, feel or believe?”
“Why do I seem to sabotage myself so much?”
“Why am I so jealous and envious of others?”

Additional questions for self-reflection:

How committed are you with your activities during your day – at work, at home and in relationships?
How do you manifest commitment, dedication and passion?
With respect to your career, your relationships, your health and your happiness, how committed are you and how indifferent are you? How might others feel about your levels of commitment?
Do you ever emotionally, verbally or physically bully or manipulate others because you are committed against something?
Do you find yourself denying and procrastinating because you’re not 100% committed to someone or something?
Do you ever doubt the value of your commitments? If so, when? How so?
Are you afraid to let go of that to which you are not committed? Why do you hang on?
When was the last time you took time to seriously reflect on who you are, what you want in life or why you may be feeling uncommitted to someone or something?
How do you know your values are your values and not someone else’s?
Do you ever “go along to get along” when you know that it’s bad for you? Why?
Do your values and beliefs ever contradict one another?
Do you feel your life reflects “harmony”?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Happiness and Money

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Tough times
These are tough times. Millions of folks are experiencing pain and suffering – lost jobs, reduced wages, continuing foreclosures, bankruptcies, lack of proper health care, increasing stock market volatility and on and on. According to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the most basic need is that of survival. These folks are experiencing that desperate state – simply looking to survive.

Unhappiness and income
Curiously, there’s another group among us which is surviving, has covered their basic needs, but who experience a similar state of desperation – namely, unhappiness. This group is those who feel that more money is the one element that will bring them happiness.

Recently, researchers from the University of Warwick in the UK found that for many of this latter group, some form of inner work – therapy or counseling – is far more effective (32 times more effective!) in reducing unhappiness and distress than an increase in income.

In other words, it seems that that once our “basic needs” (a la Maslow) have been met, income increases don’t do a whole lot to increase our sense of happiness and well-being.

In their study, the researchers found a four-month experience of therapy or counseling produced a greater impact on individual’s sense of well-being than an increase in income such as a pay rise or even winning the lottery. Even the monies won for “pain and suffering” in lawsuits do not repair emotional or psychological harm.

Health vs. health
What I find interesting when I read about the state of our country’s health is that many base their assessment of “health” on the basis of the GDP and similar economic and financial statistics. Me? I choose to look at the country’s mental health statistics – indicators like rates of obesity, cancer, heart disease, depression, suicides, abuse or addiction.

Why? Because the results of the Warwick research also point to a steady decline in mental health and happiness in developed countries over the past fifty years. Individual and collective economic growth has not increased national happiness.

How much is enough?
On a personal level, Daniel Gilbert, author of the recent book Stumbling on Happiness, suggests that “by and large, money buys happiness only for those who lack the basic needs (Maslow). Once you pass an income of $50,000, more money doesn’t buy much more happiness. Our culture implores us to buy bigger, newer, better things, but research shows “stuff” does not buy happiness.”

In the end, there’s a vast segment of our population that spends their lives doing things that they hate to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need to impress folks they don’t like all in the attempt to experience happiness. Is that you?

If it is, ask the ultimate trite but important question, “How’s that working for you vis-a-vis experiencing true and real happiness?”

“If all the gold in the world were melted down into a solid cube, it would be about the size of an eight room house. If a man got possession of all that gold — billions of dollars worth — he could not buy a friend, character, peace of mind, clear conscience or a sense of eternity.” – Charles F. Bunning

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What do I want money to do for me? How so?
• What is happiness to me?
• What things, qualities, service, and purpose do I value in life?
• What is the role of money in my search for meaning? Does it even have a role?
• How do I you relate to money?
• Does money scare me?
• How does money rule my life?
• Is money my servant or your master?
• What was my and my family’s experience around money like when I was growing up?

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(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion. What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”   I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Anger, Power and Soul

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Anger, power and soul
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Power is part of our DNA, who we are. Power (and passion) are woven into our life’s purpose – why we’re on the planet. Absent power, life is a humdrum experience – lacking meaning or real engagement. When we lack or lose our sense of power, we feel less than, deficient, lacking and invisible. What results is anger. Sometimes our anger is overt – violence, abuse or aggression – or silent – sadness or depression.

Macro and micro
On a macro level, we only need watch or read the daily news to witness the degree of violence that threads throughout much of the world. So many folks feeling victimized, helpless, lost, resentful and powerless.

On a micro level, what about you? First and foremost, anger is a reactivity to loss of love. Secondarily, anger arises when we feel we are powerless – feeling we’re not able to control others either verbally, emotionally or psychologically. What we need to understand here is that now we’re not talking about “power,” but “force.” What’s the difference?

Power vs. force
Force is a “faux” power we resort to when we feel deficient and want to feel powerful, in control. Force is actually a “weakness” that leaks out as aggression and dominance.

True and real power – a soul quality, actually – is the energy that accompanies self-confidence, self-worth, self-awareness, authenticity, equanimity and gentleness. Power is supportive, not defensive. Power comes from an inner “knowing,” an inner drive and inner authority. Power is our soul’s “right action.”

Anger
Powerlessness and resulting anger come not from the heart, but from a fear-based mental and emotional sense of not being in control, or feeling victimized or trapped by one’s life or environment – at work, at home, at play or in relationship. Anger is a reactivity to one’s circumstances or to the lack of opportunity.

Anger also arises when one feels unable to express one’s self – either lacking the ability to communicate, or feeling unheard, misunderstood or unseen. Frustration and self-esteem issues arise when one feels unheard or unseen.

Finally, anger arises when one feels they lack a capacity to “do” or “be.” Physical or mental disability, illness, or career or financial hardship can often trigger anger. When one feels “limited,” anger and frustration often result. Anger arises, too, when one cannot fulfill their dreams or visions.

The antidote to anger
So, what is the antidote to anger?

First, on a practical level, it’s helpful to explore the reverse side of frustration. What do I need to do, be and have to reduce or eliminate my frustration? What knowledge, skills or abilities do I lack? What would empower me to feel capable and powerful? Are there new or different directions or interests I might pursue that would give me a sense of purpose and power?  Can I challenge myself to explore the “unknown” and forward the action of my life into new areas, across my current life boundaries? Powerlessness is a “message” that suggests we need to look beyond our eyes.

Second, on a spiritual level, powerlessness is an opportunity to “go inside,” to explore within to touch the true source of Power, where true and real “empowerment” resides.  Often, the “inner” will point us to the “outer” – that true and real power is about serving the needs of others. Lest you think that “power” is “volunteering,” it might be. But true and real power and the sense of authenticity, self-confidence, aliveness, fulfillment, and meaning accompanying it come from a conscious choice to serve, support and be self-less to others – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Power and soul
True personal power arises from a personality-soul connection. True personal power is the result of passion and purpose that is heart-driven, not ego-mind driven. Personal power results from empowering others, not your self. As Deepak Chopra says, “Seventy-five percent of what a person does, they do for their self, and there isn’t one.” If we understand that, we can discern the difference between the love and gentleness of power and the ugliness and harshness of force.

So, power begins with me, my True and Authentic Self – identifying and making healthy choices to change and grow in my life at work, at home, at play and in relationship – and allow the ripples from my growth to move out and affect others.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Where are you on the power-force continuum? Different points at different times, perhaps? How so?
• Would your colleagues and friends say you are ever forceful or aggressive?
• Are you a “control-freak?” Do you move to anger quickly when you feel you’re not in control?
• Do you ever reflect on your forceful or aggressive thoughts, words or actions? If so, what do you see about yourself? Any patterns?
• Are there folks in your life you can empower? How can you do that?
• Do you feel stuck, powerless or frustrated? What talents, skills or abilities might enable you to forward the action of your life?
• Think of a person or persons you can empower and decide how you will do that.
• Can you take some time to reflect or meditate on your life purpose or how you can contribute to life? This is where you discover your power.
• What was being around anger and force like for you and your family as you were growing up?

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

What To Do When The Thrill Is Gone

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

When out and about in the business arena discussing “things employee,” the issues that pop us most frequently generally relate to some flavor of employee disengagement – the increasing numbers of folks in the workplace who are underperforming and the effect this underperformance has on both the bottom line and morale.

Underperforming and disengaged employees impact and infect the entire organization often in a variety of ways, all of them negative.

For one thing, underperformers are usually nay-sayers, bad-mouthing the organization whenever they can. They also tend to make up the core of the gossiping group, the bullying group or the critical group, affecting morale – not unlike an insidious cancer which destroys the body cell by cell.

Moreover, the disengaged adversely affect productivity simply because it takes them longer to produce – and time, after all, is money.

Finally, the disengaged adversely affect the organization because of the way they interact with clients and customers. More often than not, they’re quick to bad-mouth their organization to others, with all the consequences this has on client satisfaction.

Yet, curiously, the vast majority of employees seem to enjoy a six-month honeymoon period when they first start a job during which time they are actively involved and engaged with their team and their organization. Then the thrill begins to evaporate. The critical question, of course, is why?

For one thing, reality sets in. The picture painted during the interviewing and hiring process turns out to be just one rosy corner of a much larger – and more blurred – painting.

The truth underneath the blur

Behind the gloss, the truth is that, leaders, managers and supervisors are often too busy to take an active role in learning about and supporting their direct reports, viewing them more as functions than people. The emotional distance that ensues fosters disengagement and underperformance.

Likewise, in failing to proactively support the growth and development of direct reports and help them in their career advancement, managers are creating a sure-fire breeding ground for disengagement, and discontent.

It’s a similar story, too, with the opportunities for growth, development and involvement in the creative process that may have been promised in the recruitment process but then fail to materialize. When employees are regarded as drones with few opportunities to branch out, learn new skills or contribute in new ways, they tend to back off.

A lack of information-sharing has much the same effect. Keeping individuals in the dark and refusing access to knowledge that would support them to be more productive and engaged is a sure-fire way to erode trust and build resentment and disengagement.

To make matters worse, in many organizations it’s unclear whether what gets rewarded is friendship or productivity. And when advancement comes from knowing the right people, others tend to withdraw and contribute less.

A culture of favoritism is also damaging because it leads to an absence of real accountability. Once-enthused employees will quickly become resentful when they see others escape from being held accountable because of whom they know.

Feedback is another critical factor. Employees feel stranded and abandoned when they don’t know where they stand. They need to be clear on what they are doing right and what’s wrong or else they’ll start to run on cruise control to get by. When employees lack clear goals or aren’t stretched by challenging, they soon become discouraged.

What all this highlight is that disconnects between employee expectations and organizational expectations lead to confusion. When an employee performs and produces and the organization fails to do so, employees become disenchanted and disillusioned and tend to settle for a less-is-more mindset when it comes to work and working. Disengagement results.

Disengagement – What’s the Solution?

The panacea for disengagement is, well, engagement. So, what can mangers actually do on a day-to-day basis to build a more engaged workforce?

They can show mutual respect, for a start. When leaders, managers and supervisors honestly and openly respect one another as human beings rather than as functions, they begin to build passion and positivity. Unconditional positive regards goes a long way in supporting folks to feel valuable, worthy and passionate.  And, passionate folks are engaged folks.

Holding one another accountable is another way of fostering mutual respect and trust. Mutual-accountability leads to experiencing pride in one’s self and the team, increased enthusiasm and a willingness to go the extra mile, especially when the going gets tough.

Likewise, asking folks to contribute and participate supports engagement. Empowering direct reports has tremendous benefits. Asking everyone to be involved in decision-making when it involves their immediate work and their team foster proactive engagement. Requesting folks to share with others what they do best is empowering. Empowerment results in commitment, buy-in and honest and sincere engagement.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What keeps the thrill alive for you? It is alive, isn’t it? If not, why not?
• Are you proactive in providing feedback and mentoring on a consistent basis, not just when HR says “it’s time” or just when it’s convenient for you?
• How do you feel/react/respond when it comes to taking a “heart-felt” approach to people?
• Does everyone hold everyone else accountable for their piece of the work as an open policy? If not, why not? Fear? Politics? Confusion?
• Do you actually live your organization’s values on a daily basis? What would others say about you?
• Do you ask folks to contribute, engage and participate on a consistent basis?
• Do you empower folks as a practice of your management style?
• Do you publicly recognize and reward folks on a regular basis?
• Are you publicly recognized and rewarded on a regular basis?
• Do you feel you are respected by your bosses, peers, and direct reports?
• Do you tend to hoard information? If so, why? What would others say?
• Do you have a tendency to “play favorites?” If so, how do you justify that behavior to others?
• If the thrill is gone for you, what one baby step can you take this week to get it back? You do want it back, don’t you?

——————————–

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Curiosity

Speaker page, Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Curiosity

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – e. e. cummings

How do you experience curiosity?
Does curiosity show up in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship? How so?

Curiosity is timeless; it always was and always will be. It transcends race, religion, politics, finance, culture, bias and prejudice.

Curiosity allows us to look beyond our eyes, “out there,” and to arrive at a place of originality, newness – a basic reality from an untainted perspective.

The new
What curiosity does is allow us to see new truths, truths that support the evolution of our selves, our communities and our institutions.

One way to know if curiosity is part of the fabric of your life is to look at how you live your life:

At work – What is your vision-mission statement like? Do you have a strategic plan? What do you, and don’t you, budget for? Is there an active and engaged R&D effort? What about training and development? What is the culture around interaction and interpersonal communication like? How and where does curiosity grow and thrive? Are folks openly encouraged to “think,” reflect, discover, investigate, explore and try out new ideas?

At home – What is your family’s mission statement? Are there shared values? How are the “fresh” and the “new” looked upon? Is spontaneity squashed by overbearing control, or routines and structure? Who is being creative? How are new ideas and fresh approaches to the way your family lives generated and/or looked upon?

You – Do you have a purpose statement? What are your life’s visions? How much of your life is habitual, programmed or robotic in what you do, in what you say, in what you think? Are you engaged in consistent discovery and exploration? Are you a risk-taker? Are you comfortable doing what you hate to do, what you are afraid of doing, or doing something that’s “not like me?”

All figured out
Whether at work, at home, in relationship or in the company of your own self, do you generally come from a place of having it “all figured out?” How’s that working – especially in these turbulent and challenging times? Is your life (personal, corporate) so mechanical that there is no room for curiosity or inquisitiveness?

When was the last time you re-invented your business, your relationship, your self? How do you feel about the notion of re-inventing? Exhilarated? Fearful?

As a young child, each of us was curious, the consummate explorer. We were open to the new, the magical, the aliveness and the wonder of life. We had no misperceptions, misunderstandings, misconceptions, expectations, “stories” or paradigms with which to view our world.  Just curiosity, and wonderment.

The old
But, then, it stops. We are taught how to think, do and be in ways that are “appropriate” for good little boys and girls. The fortunate ones subvert the brainwashing, and find ways to allow their curiosity and wonderment to thrive.

Too, as we grows older, many fall into habitual ways of living life. They tire and fall into the routine. Others resist the rut and choose to take risks, to look beyond the immediate and step off the well-worn road of the “tried and true,” the familiar, the comfortable, the “safe” and venture along a new path.  That’s why it’s called a “path” not a paved road.

The curiosity conversation.
Curiosity is a personal conversation one has with one’s self.

Many today are having this conversation not only at mid-life, but at quarter-life – fueled by a lack of engagement and dissatisfaction; they are searching for a deeper meaning of life and re-evaluating their place in the grand scheme of things that fosters their curiosity.

Organizations and relationships – each of these entities needs to engage in the exploration of change in order to thrive and prosper. Curiosity supports the organization to look with fresh eyes at opportunity, competitiveness, collaboration, efficiency, and sustainability. Curiosity supports relationships to look with fresh eyes at their aliveness, spontaneity, maturation, connection, joy, happiness and bliss.

Unfortunately, there are individuals in organizations and relationships who want to “kill the messenger” –  who see the “curious” as those wanting to “fix what isn’t broken,” wanting to upset “stability,” who see the curious as someone who just can’t leave things the way they are.

Evolving
On the other hand organizations and relationships that evolve, grow, survive and thrive are those who accept and value the curious as wonderful and unique souls who benefit the organization and relationship through their probing, inquiring, exploring and wonder.

The beauty of the curious is often they are not “experts” or consultants. They are just individuals with an inquiring mind – who inspire wonder, imagination, investigation and openness to the new.

The obstacles
What often gets in the way of curiosity is hubris – an obsessive pride that reflects an “I know it all” approach to life and living – in corporate life and personal life. Hubris clouds the imagination, dims the light, closes down the imagination, stifles innovation and occludes realization.

Ours is a culture rife with boredom – lots of activity (rote doing) but little action (newness of doing), little curiosity.

Many of our businesses and most of our relationships lack curiosity – the “secret sauce” of moving forward with a “different-ness” that serves to promote a healthy sense of thriving, renewal, regeneration and maturation.

Curiosity demands an innocence; few are willing to take on being innocent – fearful of seeing life with a “beginner’s mind,” or of allowing a “not knowing.” They need to have all the answers…now.

A healthy tension
The upside to the downside in both our current economic world and in our world of unhealthy and unhappy relationships is that the stress we are experiencing can serve as an impetus to be curious about how to “make this work.”  For many, their stress is a motivator to seek positive change and transformation. It’s a healthy tension.

Many businesses and relationships are in a state of flux – of being curious and looking for new ways to survive. Successful businesses and healthy relationships are adapting, and inventing new strategies to thrive and survive. These will be rewarded. These will be smarter, better, healthier and happier organizations and relationships.

Businesses and relationships are facing serious challenges. We need to be curious about, to wonder about where we are headed both in the boardroom and in the bedroom. Curiosity can lead us to “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right action” – but only if we enter into the journey of curiosity with an open mind – free from any preconceived notions or expectations. Simple, but not easy.

“It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” – Albert Einstein

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Would you describe yourself as a curious soul? Would your family, your friends, your colleagues at work?
• Has your curiosity lead you to new ideas, insights, discoveries? How so?
• Do you resist being curious? If so, why do you think this is?
• Does your organization support “curiosity?” How so?
• Do you allow curiosity to weave through your personal relationships?
• Are you one who needs to “have all the answers?” Are you a risk-taker? Do you prefer the routine?
• Are you ever bored at work, at home? If so, why?
• What was your experience around curiosity as a child? Were your parents or primary caregivers curious? Did anyone ever frown on your imagination, your stories, your aliveness, your wonderment? Did your parents or primary caregivers encourage your curiosity and imagination? How so?
• Can you envision a world where curiosity plays a major role in defining how you live your life?

—————————————————–
(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Empathy – It’s a Heart Thing, not a Mind Thing

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

In his book, “Empathic Civilization: The Race to Global Consciousness in a World in Crisis,” Jeremy Rifkin argues that “…what is needed is a more transparent public debate around views of freedom, equality and democracy…a moratorium on the hyperbolic political rhetoric and incivility…and begin a civil conversation around our differing views on human nature. This would offer us a moment in time to listen to each other, share our feelings, thoughts, concerns and aspirations, with the goal of trying to better understand each other’s perspectives, and hopefully find some emotional and cognitive common ground…”

While Rifkin’s book provides a detailed explanation of how we arrived at our culture of incivility and how empathy is a “way out,” I think his conclusion falls short of a real solution. He equates “cognition” with “consciousness” and assumes we can talk ourselves into being empathetic. But love and empathy are matters of the heart, not the mind, and this is where Rifkin (and so many others who posit intellectual and cognitive solutions for social ills) comes up short.

Cognition vs. consciousness

Cognition and consciousness are poles apart. They are not synonyms, but rather polar ends of a continuum. Here’s my take.

We live in challenging times – socially, politically, economically and in our everyday lives. Incivility, disrespect, and out-and-out personal attacks are a consequence of a prevailing sense of unease, resentment and fear. So, can I just “think” myself into being empathic with those who push my buttons? I think not.

The challenge of empathy

Empathy is the ability and willingness to relate – not just cognitively or emotionally, but psychologically and spiritually – to what someone else is feeling. Being empathic, we choose to “walk in another’s shoes” without needing to “fix,” advise, sympathize, interrogate, explain or “set them straight.”  It is a heart-felt choice to engage intimately with others, providing a safe container for another to be vulnerable in our presence and to be valued and heard.

But why is empathy so hard? Underneath the hood of surface-level anger, distrust and disrespect there’s an element that sources our incivility: fear – in particular, fear of losing control, losing our “identity,” losing recognition, i.e., our need to feel like a “somebody,” and losing a sense of security – mentally, physically, emotionally or psychologically.

When individuals or groups fear a loss of status, or worry about losing their jobs, their homes, their health care, their educational opportunities, their families and sense of self, they fear being relegated to the ranks of “nobodies.” And nobody wants to be a “nobody.”

So how do you deal with these marginalized, fearful individuals? Do you push them away? Do you see them as a threat to your identity, to your feelings of being “somebody?” Do your feelings of status and “somebody-ness” depend on doing, being and having more than them – a “zero-sum” approach to life where you feel that “if you get yours, then I won’t get mine?”

In other words, is your life a “me vs. you” proposition? Do you see others merely as a means to end? If you do, this is where empathy comes into play.

I am you

One tenet of many spiritual traditions is the notion that “I am you” – a metaphysical (far from cognitive) concept that points to the interconnection of all of life. An “I/Thou” approach to others is not based on the other’s packaging (their looks, net worth, education or the quality and quantity of their material possessions). Instead, it focuses on a heart-felt “we” rather than “me vs. you,” on how we are more alike than different. I/Thou assumes a higher level of “consciousness” in how you orient to the planet and the people on it.

There are four levels of consciousness:

• Unconscious – instinctual, follower
• Subconscious – habitual, robotic, drone-like, reactive
• Conscious – aware, intelligent, conceptual
• Higher Consciousness – intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal, heart-driven

Empathy reflects a state wherein which you interact with others at a higher level of consciousness. It’s heart-felt, resulting from asking ourselves whether our unconscious, subconscious, or conscious “stories” about others are honest and authentic or are really defense mechanisms designed to protect our “ego” selves. From a place of real empathy, the energy of love and warmth fill the space between two people, not the coldness and resentment of a “me vs. you” perspective.

Empathy allows equality between and among individuals. And higher consciousness, not cognition, is also the “secret sauce” of cooperation, collaboration, compassion and connection with others. It allows me to “feel your pain” – to feel that I am you.

Einstein said: “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” My take here is that “thinking” is not the problem, but consciousness. You may be thinking differently, but that’s not the same as moving to a higher level of consciousness. And that’s the problem: old wine, new wine skins. That’s why the solutions to our challenges won’t be found in new (cognitive or intellectual) flavors of democracy, or freedom, or social panaceas, or economics; instead, they lie in co-relating and co-creating on a spiritual level.

Our mean-spiritedness, anger, mistrust and intolerance will not be eliminated by cognitive understanding because true empathy is not a matter of cognition. The common ground we need to find is not in the real estate of the brain, but in the fertile fields of our hearts.

The Indian Philosopher Krishnamurti described thoughts as being “like furniture in a room with the windows and doors closed.” Sadly, many of the well-meaning individuals who seek “solutions” to incivility issues are in this same room. They suggest plenty of solutions, but they are all the same old furniture, only with different covers, or textures or shapes, etc. The problem is that discussions are mostly intellectual and cognitive. Only the heart allows fresh air to circulate and brings true transformation, new “furniture.”

Empathy is not thinking

So, what we need is a shift in consciousness, not cognition – one that puts under the microscope our emotional, psychological and spiritual orientation to the planet and those inhabiting it. This internal exploration is quiet, slow, continuous and intentional. It’s not “thinking about,” it’s not intellectual. Here we look into and listen to our hearts, not our minds.

This higher consciousness also allows us to enter into communication and harmony with others from a place where we relate to others as “brothers and sisters.”

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Have you engaged in uncivil or disrespectful behavior recently? Did you justify it?
• How do you generally interact with those who think differently from you?
• Do you live life from an “I need to be right” perspective? If so, why?
• Do you ever view compromise as a weakness? How about being empathetic?
• Do you ever justify another’s uncivil behavior?
• Do you ever use “passion” as an excuse to behave inappropriately?
• Have others ever accused you of behaving in an uncivil manner? If so, how did you respond?
• How did you, your family, deal with disagreement as you were growing up?
• What do you notice if/when you think others on the planet are your brothers and sisters?
• Can you envision a world where it’s possible to respond to disagreement without being uncivil, angry or otherwise disrespectful?

—————————————————

(c) 2015, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Friendship for Sale – and 30% off!

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Electronic communication is an instantaneous and illusory contact that creates a sense of intimacy without the emotional investment that leads to close friendships.” – Clifford Stoll, Silicon Snake Oil

It’s not enough that so many relationships at work, at home and at play are derailing, disintegrating and losing their connectivity, intimacy and depth of likability. Now folks have the opportunity to create new relationships, poof!, by buying and selling “friendship” and “likes.” uSocial, an Australian marketing company, will save you the time and trouble of creating friendships by “buying” you a few thousand friends and buddies and, if you act now, at 30% off (really, this is no joke).

If you’re feeling friendship-deficient, uSocial will help you “buy” friends by the thousand on Facebook for a mere couple of hundred dollars. So, need to feel like a somebody by being the friend of someone who’s popular, or need to have someone like you, or needing to fill the void of friends, just ante up! Money talks and it says: “buy or sell your friendship!”

Trading for friendship and self-sacrifice

While many may scoff at the superficiality and inanity of actually buying or selling “friendship,” many of us actually do “trade” for friendship, albeit not with money. How so?

One way many folks cultivate friendship is by doing-doing-doing for others in the hopes of buying their acceptance and approval – their friendship. Committed and married couples trade with one another. We do this at work with colleagues and bosses, at home with partners, spouses, children and parents, and in the outside world with neighbors and others. We sacrifice our own self, our integrity, our time, our power and autonomy ,even our hopes and dreams, to please others so we can feel accepted, loved and “be their friend.”

Moreover, many sacrifice their life force so they can be accepted by someone whose “friendship” they feel they desperately need. They’ll actually shun relating to particular co-workers, or bosses, or relatives, for example, in order to be accepted by someone else whose friendship they value more and whose friendship they feel they sorely need.

How so?

Specific ways people sacrifice their life for others are: putting their plans on hold, doing for others, or owing someone something, out of shame, deferring from making important choices and decisions without first asking their “friend,” feeling guilty when making a decision that their “friend” disagrees with, constantly seeking approval, and entering into co-dependent relationships.

Controlling others to garner friendship

One of the most insidious behavior patterns folks use to “buy” friendship is that of controlling others. For example, do you ever act like a victim, feign an emotional or physical illness, or helplessness so a “friend” will save you, rescue you or “heal” you?”  Do you ever overtly or covertly threaten to withhold or withdraw your friendship if a “friend” doesn’t “do something?” Do you ever say “It’s your turn” to take care of you? Do you feel you need a “friend” to consistently complete your activities or tasks because you’re too stressed, anxious or overwhelmed? Do you offer friendship as a “reward” your friend earns for doing what you want someone to do for you? On a deeper, abusive level, do you threaten a friend with your own self-destruction to keep their friendship? Do you try to game others’ friendship by telling them how essential they are to your life?

Accommodating

Probably the most unconscious and unhealthy way folks seek to gain and keep friends is through accommodating, i.e., doing whatever it takes to please another in order to gain or keep their friendship. We accommodate when we tell others what we think they want to hear, do for others what they want even though such actions or activities might go against our own values or moral code. Accommodating is the most common way folks buy another’s friendship, short of paying outright for it, and sometimes we’ll actually foot the bill and actually pay whatever it takes to make or keep a friendship.

Why we buy friendship

The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.” Sir Francis Bacon

Very early, as infants and very young children, we have a deep need to relate and be related to; we need contact, warmth, and human relationship. At that time we had the capacity to be our True and Real Self, but our parents and primary caregivers, given their own imperfections and struggles (as all parents and primary caregivers experience; it’s the human condition) were unable to see and appreciate our True and Real Nature, our True Self. So, we interpreted their “rejection” as meaning: “Your being real means the absence of love, warmth, holding and security.”

The needy adult

So, in growing up, we learned to pretend, to be like them, to join them in their world – the world of illusion, of “lies,” the conventional world. As part of the human condition, most of us learn to become what our parents and primary caregivers wanted us to be, focusing on what they paid attention to in us, what they preferred in us, what made them relate to us (as we moved away from, and abandoned, our True and Real Self). Thus, we learned to “accommodate” and please them in order to gain their love, acceptance, and approval.

And now, as adults, we find ourselves behaving in often self-limiting and self-destructive ways we feel will get us others’ love, approval, and acceptance – friendship – even paying a couple of hundred dollars for a thousand “friends.”

Authentic friendship is an “inside job.”

Essence is a heart and soul quality. Living one’s life is not about pleasing others, having a full dance card, or bragging that we have a host of superficial “friends.” The foundation of a conscious, healthy and real friendship comes with accessing one’s inner confidence, value and worth, not from controlling others, accommodating others or responding to others’ controlling behaviors – at work, at home or at play.

The Core Value of Friendship comes deeply from within, not from pleasing or needing others. Facing one’s fears of abandonment, guilt, shame and low self-esteem and then “doing the personal work” to move through our fears and insecurities, to contact and allow our True and Real Self can allow the possibility of being and acting independently, with more confidence and a healthy sense of self-worth and value. This flavor of Friendship arises from contact with our True and Real Self where friendship is defined by quality not quantity.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

Especially the thousand you can buy for money.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you define friendship?
• How would your friends describe their friendship with you?
• How well do you know your “social network” friends. Really.
• How well do you know your actual real-life friends? Really.
• Do you ever use controlling or accommodating behaviors to cultivate and/or keep a friend?
• Do you ever sacrifice your self, your plans, your energy, your time, etc., to keep friendships?
• Are you ever lonely?
• Do you feel your parents, friends, partner, and/or spouse are “genuine” friends?
• Would you invite your friends to share in a holiday dinner with your family? If not, why not?
• Are you ever critical of, judgmental about, or embarrassed by, your friends?
• Are your friends trusting and trustworthy? As their friend, are you?
• Do your friends allow you to be you?
• Do your friends ever try to fix, rescue or save you. You, them? How so?
• What was your experience of friendship like when you were growing up?

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(c) 2012, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering