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Monthly Archives: May 2016

Emotional Intelligence or Emotional Maturity?

27 Friday May 2016

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

children

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

It’s now widely acknowledged that Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a key skill for managers and business leaders and that getting in touch with your emotions and managing them when interacting with others plays a major part in managerial effectiveness

Old habits die hard
But despite this awareness, old habits still die hard. Even when an individual has worked to improve their emotional intelligence, they often experience a type of disconnect in real-life situations. They may have learned the concepts of EI at an intellectual level, but they still find it hard to manage their emotions or emotional reactivity and quickly revert to old, self-destructive emotional habits and patterns when certain triggers are pulled.

So why is EI so hard to embrace in our day-to-day lives?

Root cause stuff
One reason is that many people who worked on their EI have (consciously or unconsciously) failed to deal with the root causes of their emotional reactivity. They haven’t explored the deeper nature of their emotional history. This history of their emotional evolution is a prerequisite to understanding how they “futurize their past” – how they interpret the present based on their history, experiences and memories.

Without this understanding, it’s very hard to separate our present from our past – i.e., “that was then; this is now.” So we’re not able to see the present – people, places, events, circumstance and objects – as “fresh” and unencumbered by our past emotional history. We’re unable to experience the present in a positive, neutral and fresh way and so we experience many of life’s events shrouded in a mist of negativity, judgment and fear.

In other words, very few of us actually “process” our emotions. Few of us allow our emotions to just be – watching, witnessing and observing them and asking, “What are you teaching me, about me?”

Finally, many of us choose to bury our emotions. And we ought to know that when we bury our emotions, we bury them alive. They will return to rear their ugly heads, sooner or later.

Emotional maturity
So instead of focusing on emotional intelligence, perhaps we would be better served by focusing on emotional maturity.

The difference between the two is important. Emotional maturity is not “intellectual” but refers to a higher state of self-awareness – something that lies beyond “knowing” and “intelligence” – where we are guided by our senses, intuition and heart.

Emotional maturity is characterized by five principles:

  1. 99.9% of every negative emotion we experience is a childhood emotion overlaid on a current person, circumstance, place, event or object.
  2. Emotionally, many adults are 4-5-6-year-old children in adult bodies.
  3. No one can make you feel a way you don’t want to feel.
  4. An adult can be emotionally mature and child-like or immature and child-ish.
  5. Mindfulness, focus and presence are the keys to emotional maturity

Emotional maturity focuses on our emotional history, beginning with our interactions with our primary caregivers, extended family, teachers, friends, etc. We learn that around the age of seven, our psychological and emotional “programming” is set. Our emotional reactivity (anger, sadness, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, loneliness, etc.) that was triggered early on in life becomes stored in our cells and arises when “related” triggers pop up later in life.

Emotionally intelligent, but emotionally immature
Being emotionally mature means we seldom act out on, or suppress our emotions.

Emotionally intelligent, but “immature” adults are often unable to identify or manage their emotions. They usually avoid their emotions by intellectualizing, explaining, analyzing, disagreeing, attacking, flattering, joking, apologizing, evading, going silent, becoming aloof or suspicious, rejecting, criticizing or judging. They often come across as superior, arrogant, stubborn, defiant, hostile, people-pleasing, wishy-washy, phony, resentful, intolerant, self-pitying or victimized.

Because they haven’t explored their emotional development, many of them aren’t aware that they superimpose their childhood emotions on to their adult life. Their past is leaking out in the present.

In contrast, the emotionally mature adult understands that “my emotions are not me, but mine,” – i.e., “I’m in control, not my emotions”. So they are more objective and less judgmental. They are better able to detach themselves from triggers that would normally provoke an emotional reaction. They experience states of equanimity, serenity and inner peace. Blaming others is no longer a strategy they use to make themselves feel safe.

That’s not to say that an emotionally mature individual isn’t child-like. In fact they are often lively, excited, adventurous, joyful, happy and open. But they are also nurturing, supportive, firm, fair, helpful, respectful, self-responsible, non-judgmental, honest, sincere and focused on the well-being of themselves and of others.

The emotionally immature adult, however, is often child-ish, rather than child-like. They are reactive and throw tantrums. They are fearful, scared, needy, angry, resentful, pushy, bullying, jealous or envious. They can be quiet, withdrawn, defensive, argumentative or grandiose. They can come across as overbearing, micromanaging, controlling, disrespectful, fearful, angry, negative, judgmental, critical, abusive (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically), dishonest, insincere, narcissistic and focused on the self and the ego.

The most visible quality of emotional maturity is the capacity to be in the moment, to be present while being non-reactive or non-judgmental.
This “being present” supports our true and authentic self to guide us. We intuit “right knowing.” “right understanding” and “right action.” We feel our emotions without “becoming” our emotions. We grasp that the “trigger” for our reactivity may be “outside me.” but the “cause” of my emotions is within me.

So when we’re triggered, we watch, witness and observe but don’t succumb to a childish reaction. We accept our experience as it is. Practicing mindfulness, presence, focus, trust and surrender, we allow our heart and soul to push aside negativity or reactivity and bring what is needed, a considered, emotionally mature response.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Do you ever feel you need to change the way you respond emotionally to others? How so?
  • How do you feel when others challenge or disagree with you, or give you feedback?
  • Do you ever find yourself feeling fearful, angry or anxious? Do you know why?
  • Are you ever surprised by the way you react to others?
  • Do you ever feel afraid about exploring your emotions? Why?
  • Do you consider yourself to be emotionally mature? What would others say?
  • How did you learn about emotions when you were growing up?

—————————————————————————
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.   I coach by phone, Skype and in person.

For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Big Fish – Little Pond

20 Friday May 2016

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

pond

Do you spend enormous amounts of time trying to convince yourself and others you’re a big fish in a small pond, or an even bigger fish in a larger pond? The reality – most of us are really little fish in little ponds. See what I mean – https://lnkd.in/ehj_ReX


(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

The Change Challenge – Escaping the Groove

13 Friday May 2016

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

bowling

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

We are bombarded daily with new books, news, and research about why people behave irrationally even when they know their behavior is not rational. The brain is supposed to be plastic yet lasting change and transformation is a major challenge. I have my own view on why this is so.

The groove
Visualize the ball return groove in a bowling alley. Assume at one time it was completely flat. But with guide barriers on either side to keep the ball running in a straight line from the far end of the alley and back to the ball-holding area. Over time,  the ball begins to carve out a pathway.

Over the years, the control of the guide bars becomes unnecessary. The ball now follows its own self-created pathway, like it has a mind of its own. Think of these guide bars as the people who have guided you from infancy to about the age of seven. These may be your parents or primary caregivers, siblings, teachers, clergy or others.

Now think of the groove as the neurological pathways, neurons, and synapses in your mind and your brain, each representing habitual ways of doing, being, and thinking. This includes self-image, self-concept, and other personal and world-related assumptions, premises, expectations, worldviews, “stories’ and beliefs.

Using this analogy we are given a glimpse of why many people cannot, or will not change, even with neuroscience research touting brain plasticity and popular books explaining how irrational we are in spite of our protestations to the contrary.

Changing the groove
In order for lasting change to occur, one of two things has to happen. Either we sandpaper down the original grooves or create new grooves representing new ways of doing, being, and thinking. Both of these tasks require concerted time and effort. And that’s why recidivism of a sort haunts most people who want to change.

Gloming on
What prevents most people from carving out new grooves is that they’re wired to cling on to their original ones. In short, most people live in a closed system, a loyalty to our own internal reality. We become in the present what we became in the past. We “futurize” our past.

The brain continually generates a closed internal representation of our outer world, seeing and relating to it the same way, over and over again, even if in reality the outer world is changing. It is an emotional and psychological necessity, rooted in fear, for us to keep it the same.

This orientation to our world is how we were as infants, then children, then as adolescents and now as adults. We have the same grooves now that we had as children. But while they helped us survive and make sense of our world as infants and children, the grooves hardwire us to be resistant to change as adults. Most therapists will tell us that, emotionally, the vast majority of adults are 4-5-6 year olds in adult bodies, wearing adult clothes.

Moving from a closed system…
Some psychotherapists hold the view – and it is a Buddhist perspective – that lasting change can only come by opening the closed system in such a way that we do not view ourselves as calcified, reified structures but rather as a process.

Many people undertaking personal change no longer say “I am this” or “I am that” but see themselves simply as being, or in the process of sandpapering down the old grooves and loosening the rigid identification with one’s self and creating new grooves.

…To an open system
Such change cannot be done through cognitive or intellectual efforts alone. It needs to be processed through a conscious mind-body-spirit process. This is one reason why positive thinking type efforts seldom produce lasting transformation. The mind alone cannot open its own closed system.

Change requires an open system. Think of the moment you wake up, that split moment when perhaps you hear the birds, hear the rain, or really smell the coffee. This is the moment before thinking kicks in. Here we are not conditioned by past experiences. It is the place where true change and transformation takes place.

As soon as this moment becomes influenced by memory, conditioning, and past experience we slide into the old grooves and are taken over by past perceptions, judgments, thoughts, beliefs, i.e., our memory, history and experience. We are clinging again.

The challenge is to choose to move away from things mental and rational into things spiritual – not religious or theological – but spiritual. This means a shift from identification and the need to proliferate our conditioned self towards an attunement to our Self as it is in that moment when we wake up.

Lasting change is a possibility, but it takes time, consciousness, striving, honesty, steadfastness, courage, strength, will and lots of love and compassion for one’s self – qualities that for many in our culture seem to be in short supply.

We can smooth out our old grooves, the irrationality, the emotional reactivity, and create new ones but not by 9:00 tomorrow morning. And this is a sad realization for anyone caught up in our hyper-connected, immediate-gratification culture.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • On a scale of 1-10, what number describes your general feeling of impatience?
  • Do you ever reflect on how you came to be who you are, what you think or why you act the way you do? If so, what do you see about yourself? If not, are you curious as to why not? As the Buddhists ask “What was your face like before you were born?”
  • Do you feel enslaved by your electronic life? Is this by choice?
  • What old grooves would you like to sand down and eliminate? What new groove would you like to create? Are there obstacles that prevent you from doing either, or both? How so?
  • Do you ever behave irrationally? Doing or being in ways you know you shouldn’t? If so, why?
  • What of your past do you cling on to? Why?
  • Can you envision a world where you feel free in most every moment, where you can let go of notions of how you should be and dis-identify with “I am this” or “I am that?”, where you’re not a fixed entity but a process?

—————————————————–
(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Motivation vs. Staying Power – There Is a Difference

08 Sunday May 2016

Posted by pvajda2013 in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

motivation
Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Our lives are a reflection of the ebb and flow of energy. They follow the natural rhythm of seasons. So we experience periods of expansion and periods of contraction, yin and yang, up and down, that affect us at every level – mentally, emotionally, physically and creatively. These occur irrespective of other motivators or external factors and mean that nobody (unless they’re suffering from a psychological disorder) is “up” or “down” 100% of the time.

Many of us, then, aren’t so much challenged by a lack of motivation as by a lack of staying power – the ability to keep on going when our motivation is at a low ebb.

The two might appear similar on the surface, but motivation and staying power are not the same energy. Motivation grows from desire; staying power is a force of will – a force that is still present even when the desire wanes or disappears altogether.

And that’s a critical distinction when it comes to our self-development. Because change or transformation is a function of our will to “keep on keeping on”, not a function of our desire or motivation. So the force to change and transform exists within all of us even when our motivation has deserted us.

Our internal rhythms mean that our motivation is never consistent. It waxes and wanes, irrespective of the different internal and external drivers encouraging us to be motivated. Think about these examples:

  • The sales person who, in spite of the terrific (external) commission structure, does not stay motivated
  • The employee who, in spite of the (internal) desire to not engage in gossip, does so
  • The athlete who, in spite of both the internal motivation and external drivers, loses his/her motivation to play hard and strong consistently
  • The individual who makes resolutions (New Year’s and otherwise) and quickly loses staying power
  • The EQ-savvy individual who has the desire to remain calm and peaceful in the face of stress, yet succumbs and moves back to anger when stressed
  • The person who has the desire and motivation to be more loving and appreciative of his/her partner but finds him/herself irritated, disrespectful and cold and uncaring most of the time
  • The individual who is highly motivated to undertake a career transition but falls into inaction and depression a couple of months into their search process
  • The person who is motivated to change and transform and undertakes a spiritual practice of some kind yet continues to judge, be critical of, demean, and verbally abuse his/her colleagues, family members, friends and strangers, etc.
  • The manager who is motivated to control her emotions but loses it whenever her ego is challenged

 

Navigating the dips

Anyone who has embarked on a personal development process will be familiar with the “dips”, those periods when energy, drive, and desire wane. It might be a fitness regime, training for an event, a new diet, a self-help group, coaching or therapy. We have the desire. We start off motivated. But having the staying power to keep going when that initial motivation wears off is a different thing altogether.

Rather than waiting for the energy to change, being still and accepting that we’re heading into a dip, many of us get to the bottom and never muster the energy to head back up the other side. Our progress stops. We head back to the drawing board, look for a new coach, a new book, a new workout program, a new diet, new rules and procedures, even a new relationship.

There’s a famous quote: “A saint is a sinner who never gave up”. And it’s true that there is an underlying dynamic that seems to foster a successful “self,” a person who is living and growing according to their “inner values”. Some people are lucky enough to be born with an immediate connection to this innate sense of self. Others find it through voyages of self-discovery that eliminate the damaging beliefs and self-images that are fostered by an excessive attachment to the outer world.

In either case, they possess an innate, passionate desire that roars up from their inner self. But more than that, they also have a tenacious will to stay the course. With this combination, their strength of desire coupled with strength of will is indefatigable.

The power of this synergy is that it silences those defeating and sabotaging ego-driven thoughts, those self-criticisms and false illusions that chip away at our desire and motivation. The inner force becomes our beacon for doing and being, reducing our need to rely on external motivators. It gives us a limitless supply of passion, strength and will to follow a greater vision and invigorates us with the energy of “I can,” “I am,” “I will,” “I have,” “I choose” and “I create,” even during the dips, downs and dark times.

Whether progress is painstakingly slow or made in leaps and bounds, when vision, desire and will have melded together there is no longer any room for ambivalence, defeat or failure. Our direction is clear and our outcome is assured. We don’t give up or fall into some type of “victim/blaming” consciousness at the first sign of discouragement. The force that supports our intentions to do and to be from within, from our inner source, is beyond discouragement or despair.

There are four key questions to ask yourself. What contributes to and strengthens my passion? What contributes to and strengthens my will? What diminishes or weakens my passion? What diminishes or weakens my will?

For those who are caught in a Peter Pan syndrome (“I’ll never grow up”) or a veil of victimization (“I just can’t,” “I don’t have it in me,” “Woe is me,”) those questions will hold no appeal. The only people who will bother to pursue the answers are those who value self-responsibility, honesty, sincerity and self-evolution – those who perceives their lives as contributing to the greater good of all humankind.

For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, for everyone who finds those questions engaging and intriguing, now is the time to be still and listen and follow from within. Follow your best vision, dream or intuition. You know what course to follow; the answer is inside you.

If we keep on keeping on, in spite of whatever motivators might exist or not, every one of us has the capability to “pay the higher price” for living an extraordinary life. As Buddhist teaching puts it:

“he power of integrity is based on a firm inner sense of values that allows you to stand your ground regardless of what you are doing or where you are. When we believe that the world makes us, that it determines what we can and cannot do, then we see ourselves as small and weak. But when we understand that we make the world, individually and together, then we become formidable and strong.”

Some questions for self-reflection

  • Considering one obstacle you’re currently facing, ask yourself, “Why is this happening FOR me?” When you sit quietly with that question, what can you see, hear, learn or understand? (Ask it often.)
  • Is victimization a part of your DNA? Do you often feel the victim? How? Why?
  • Can you recall the last time you “stayed the course” in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds? What happened? How do/did you feel?
  • Have you even been involved in co-dependent relationships? How did/are they working out?
  • What were your earliest experiences of “staying the course” and “giving up?

(c) 2016, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

 

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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