—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that �thing� is�maybe you don�t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
Hardly a day has gone by in the last couple of years that newspapers, magazines, TV talk shows, and workplace water cooler conversations have not included mention of individuals – in business, entertainment, sports, government, education, health, and medicine, etc. (e.g., Harvey Weinstein in entertainment, Lance Armstrong in sports, Elizabeth Holmes, the founder of Theranos in health and medicine and political figures…) – who have been accused of actions that are either immoral or unethical, but folks who maintain that “I have done nothing illegal.” There seems to be no end to the line of folks who wait their turn to point their accusatory finger at others behaving badly.
The common refrain of each of these folks who have been caught behaving badly, unethically, has generally been a concocted story that allows them to rationalize and justify their immoral or unethical behavior, a story each uses to absolve themselves of blame or guilt so they can create the so-called truth that absolves their inappropriate behavior. Thus, their “I did nothing illegal” story or some flavor of it is simply a ploy to evade self-responsibility and accountability.
However, there’s something more here in the groundswell of the masses who are quick to judge others. What is not being “outed” among this list of folks who aggressively assert their “legal non-guilt” to mask their unethical behavior is that this list of evil-doers does not include another individual, and that is Everyman – you and me.
From the boardroom on the 52nd floor to the mail room in the basement, and on every floor in between, there is a “me,” someone who has not taken the moral high ground, someone whose moral compass does not point north, someone who has driven off the high road – someone who has their own “story” to justify their unethical, illegal or immoral behavior.
When we point our accusatory finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back to “me.”
When I consider the daily listing of well-known perpetrators who are behaving immorally and unethically, my gut is to include “everyman” those among us who are not well-known, famous, or infamous, but who are behaving badly nevertheless.
For example, folks who steal supplies from the office, pens, and towels from hotels, cheat on their income taxes, call in sick when they aren’t, spend company time surfing the Internet, refuse to pay vendors with trumped-up “excuses,” bilk clients out of more fees than they deserve, “borrow” intellectual property, keep two sets of books at home. Each of these has their “story” (“I’ve done nothing illegal”) which they tell to rationalize and justify their inappropriate behavior, behavior that is no more or no less egregious than the “big-shots” who appear in daily newscasts.
If one person steals 50 billion dollars while several non-notorious individuals find ways, for example, to steal small amounts which, over time, add up to substantial amounts of money, they are no less culpable. Their low road, or moral compass is no less “off” than the “named” personalities. It’s not the “amount.” It’s the behavior.
And those who say this is an “apples-oranges” comparison need to question their thought process, i.e., their own “story” about why they need to think that way, separating themselves from those who are behaving badly.
The point here is that these “big fish” were at one time “small fish.” When did the inappropriate behaviors they exhibited on the way up begin and how did the degree of inappropriateness increase? Taking their first drink, the alcoholic never dreams of becoming an alcoholic. Eating the first dish of ice cream, the slim never dreamed of becoming obese. Making an initial furtive glance, the innocent never envisioned having an affair. But they all have their “stories” that rationalize the next drink, the next dish of ice cream, and the next glance and more. The way one stolen pen, or dollar, or idea or kiss leads to major acts that are immoral or unethical, perhaps not illegal.”
So, what are our stories, and how did we come to create them to justify our immoral and unethical behavior?
While we point the accusatory finger at these others, at the same time we must muster the courage and strength to explore “me” – at whom we are pointing the other three fingers. What about me?
Integrity is not a cloak we put on and take off when convenient. Only when I accuse others; or when I need to cut myself a little “integrity slack” to justify why I lie, cheat, or steal. Integrity is like being pregnant. Either one is or one isn’t. There’s no such thing as being “a little bit pregnant,” or “a bit less in integrity.”
Many of us are quick to judge and criticize others who act without integrity, without ethics, without morality. But many of us are just as prone to separate from our core values when it’s convenient. The question is: “Why?” What does acting out of integrity get me and what is the truth, the real truth, about “my story” (my hypocrisy) I use to rationalize or justify my unethical or immoral behavior? Why am I so quick to point the accusatory finger at others but turn a blind eye to my unethical behavior?
No single snowflake ever wants to be responsible for the avalanche. Many of us are those snowflakes that contribute to the avalanche of blue- and white-collar crimes, misdemeanors, and unethical behavior we are facing in this country. It’s not others who lack inner moral compasses and choose the low road. As Pogo, said, “We have met the enemy and he is us” i.e., you and me.
In the face of such widespread ethical challenges, ancient spiritual teachings offer timeless wisdom to guide us back toward integrity.
So, perhaps while standing in line waiting to accuse others, we might take a moment and reflect on our ethics and morality in how we are dealing with others. And here are two antidotes we might reflect on when we consider our own “bad behavior.”
The first antidote to consider is the principle of karma, an ancient teaching from spiritual traditions such as Hinduism and Buddhism, suggesting that every action has a consequence that ultimately returns to the individual. This concept highlights the interconnectedness of all actions and their effects on the collective consciousness. For example, when a person acts kindly and selflessly, it not only benefits the receiver of the act but also uplifts the community by setting a precedent for positive behavior. This karmic ripple effect reinforces the idea that personal integrity and ethical conduct contribute to the spiritual well-being of society as a whole.
The second concept is The Golden Rule, a foundational ethic found in many spiritual and philosophical traditions around the world that advises treating others as one would like to be treated. This universal principle encapsulates the essence of empathy and moral responsibility towards others, emphasizing how individual actions and attitudes directly affect the collective fabric of humanity. Consider a workplace scenario where a leader chooses to act with compassion and fairness, creating an environment of trust and respect. This behavior not only enhances individual relationships but also elevates the collective morale and ethical standards of the organization, demonstrating the profound connection between personal integrity and the broader collective consciousness.
Some questions for self-reflection:
Have you considered whether your daily actions contribute positively to the community’s welfare?
Do you believe that small acts of honesty can significantly impact society for the better?
Can the pursuit of personal gain justify ethical compromises, in your opinion?
In moments of ethical dilemma, which principles guide your decision-making process?
Reflecting on a time you admitted a mistake, what personal growth did you experience?
What steps can you actively take to foster a more understanding and compassionate response to ethical challenges?
Imagine a world where every individual operates from a place of deep ethical awareness. How do you think this would reshape our society?
How does recognizing the interconnectedness of our actions alter your view on personal integrity and ethics?
Can you envisage a life bound by unwavering ethical conduct? What would your daily choices look like in this scenario?
How does the concept of “We are all interconnected” influence your daily choices and actions, and do you find this perspective encourages you to act more ethically?
When faced with the repercussions of someone else’s unethical actions, how do you respond, and what does this reveal about your own values concerning forgiveness and integrity?
Considering your experiences, do you apply the same standards of integrity, ethics, and morality to yourself as you do to others? If the answer varies, why do you think that is?
Looking back at how you’ve navigated ethical or moral challenges, how do these experiences shape your understanding of integrity today?
How do you reconcile the moments when you find yourself out of alignment with your ethical standards, and what steps do you take to return to a place of integrity?
Reflect on your reactions to others rationalizing unethical behavior; what insight does this provide into your own beliefs about morality and justice?
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control, or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
Echoes of Existence is an artistic exploration of the concept of time and its impact on our existence. It’s a call to action, encouraging viewers to engage in introspection and motivate positive changes within themselves and their communities. It aims to awaken a sense of purpose and possibility. It concludes with a compelling reminder that the choices we make shape our lives and the world, urging everyone to consciously choose a path of love, compassion, and positive impact.
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
“A prudent question is one-half of wisdom.” – Francis Bacon
Occasionally, I receive feedback on my “food for thought” readings – the feedback is usually in response to the reading itself, but, not always. Sometimes, folks respond to the “questions for self-reflection” following the reading. These latter comments can take the tone of: “interesting,” “different,” “provocative” and the like. However, from time to time, someone comments that the questions make them feel uncomfortable. It’s to these commenters that I reply, “interesting.” Why?
Fundamentally, no true and real growth, change, or lasting transformation can occur while one is in their comfort zone. For true and real change to happen, one needs to experience discomfort in some way, shape, or form – a discomfort that awakens them to an “Oh, this is me and I never saw or felt that part of myself before”- a type of experience – an AHA moment, an intuition, a “seeing, ” knowing or discovery. And, the process of seeing, knowing, and discovering can often be uncomfortable, even painful (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and/or spiritually). In fact, real change does not usually arise without some discomfort.
The beauty of self-reflective questions is they draw us out and support us to go deeper and deeper inside (if we choose) to see what our truth is below the surface – and it’s not always a pretty sight. Self-reflective questions introduce us to the parts of us that are unfamiliar – parts that live in our subconscious and in our intuitive self – parts that need to be seen, acknowledged, and explored if we choose to experience true and real change and transformation.
Part and parcel of the self-inquiry process is to be conscious of self-compassion. Self-compassion emerges as a foundational element in the practice of self-inquiry, reflecting the gentle, accepting nature of Buddhist teachings. It encourages individuals to approach personal exploration with kindness, recognizing their experiences, limitations, and mistakes without harsh judgment. This compassionate stance towards oneself not only mitigates the discomfort that often accompanies deep self-reflection but also fosters a safe, nurturing space within which significant transformation can occur. By cultivating self-compassion, we allow for a more authentic engagement with our inner world, promoting healing and growth. This practice acknowledges human imperfection and the shared experience of suffering, thereby deepening our connection to ourselves and to others on the path of enlightenment.
I often refer to a book that I came across several years ago, a book that blew me away – a book with self-reflective questions. It’s called If – Questions for the Game of Life and is authored by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell. The four volumes contain hundreds of tantalizing and provocative questions that make you think.
So this week, rather than my usual reading and “questions for self-reflection,” I want to offer you 20 self-reflection questions from their books. See where they take you, and enjoy the journey.
(Hint: once your initial, perhaps even knee-jerk, response comes up, consider taking some additional time – self-reflection time – to see if that’s really, really your final answer, i.e., the truth). Maybe ask and answer the question ten to fifteen times (an exercise called a “repeating question” that takes us deeper and deeper) to delve deeply into your subconscious and uncover the real “truth.”
Here goes:
1. If you found out for certain there was a Heaven and a Hell, how would you change your life?
2. If you had to name the one most important ingredient of human beauty, what would you say it is?
3. If you could rid your family of one thing, what would you choose?
4. If you were to prescribe a cure for grief, what would it entail?
5. If you were to select a moment when you were convinced an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?
6. If you could have had one person in your life be more candid with you than they were (or are) who would it be?
7. If you were going to die in ten minutes and could confess only one thing to pass with peace of mind, what would you say?
8. If you could change one thing about the way you were disciplined as a child, what would you alter?
9. If you had to eliminate one emotion from your life, which would it be?
10. If you could stop loving someone, who would it be?
11. In retrospect, if you could have been nicer to one person in your life, who would it be?
12. If you could free yourself from one burden in your life, what would it be?
13. If you had to name the single most important thing in your life, what would it be?
14. If God were to whisper one thing in your ear, what would you like Him/Her to say?
15. If you could tell your mother or father one thing that you haven’t, what would it be?
16. If you could have your spouse(partner) say one thing about you to friends, what would you want him or her to say?
17. If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be?
18. If you could go back in time and undo one injury you inflicted on someone else, what would it be?
19. If you could change one thing about your marriage (relationship), what would you alter?
20. If you could be emotionally closer to one member of your family, who would it be?
“We accept many notions because they seem to be the logical answers to our questions. But have we asked the right questions?” – Harold L. Klawans
————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
Able and Willing…Not In my understanding of human behavior, there are only two reasons (but lots of excuses) why managers behave unethically or inappropriately. Either they are unable to behave ethically or appropriately, or they are unwilling to do so. The antidote for number one? Provide requisite, specific knowledge and hands-on experiential training. Then follow-up in both the short- and long-term to check that the message has gotten through and that appropriate behavior is now “business as usual” – and if it isn’t, ensure there are consequences for bad behavior.
The antidote for number two? Well, that’s a bit more complicated. When someone has the requisite knowledge and skills but still decides to ignore them, what’s going on? One possibility is the individual has chosen to behave otherwise because they fear that behaving ethically or appropriately will result in some personal loss – be it loss of friendships, loss or prestige, loss of a bonus, loss of control, loss of recognition, or loss of security (mental, physical, emotional or psychological). It is essential to recognize that fear, in many forms, often underpins unethical behavior. Strategies to address these fears include promoting a culture of transparency, ensuring psychological safety within teams, and encouraging open discussions about ethical dilemmas.
Fear and Unethical Behavior It’s not unusual for a manager to behave unethically or inappropriately of their own accord when driven, consciously or unconsciously, by these sorts of fears. Another possibility is that a manager may choose to behave unethically or inappropriately because there is a tacit “unwritten rule” that such behavior is acceptable. This tacit agreement is known as collusion and often exists where there is a culture or subculture of collusion. Collusion takes hold when two (or more) individuals co-opt their values and ethics to support their own – and/or others’ misdeeds. Allowing another’s collusion, by omission or commission, is a mis-deed! Think enabler. When colluding or enabling collusion, we allow ourselves and others to engage in unethical or inappropriate (not to mention potentially self-destructive) behaviors to gain acceptance, approval, recognition, or security and to feel emotionally and psychologically safe.
Collusion is saying (but not out loud), “I’m going to let you behave the way you want or need to, so I can feel good about our relationship even though I know my behavior and your behavior are unethical, inappropriate, self-destructive, and out of integrity.” Collusion is behavior we commonly associate with “fraud.” Workplace collusion is fraudulent as one is living a lie and supporting another to live his or her lie. Colluding is “fraud” on a deeper level as it relates to who we are and how we conduct our relationships with others. Think integrity.
Collusion at 9:00 Monday Morning In the everyday working world, there are various flavors of collusion. General expressions or behaviors that reflect collusion are: “giving to get,” “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours,” “going along to get along” and “one hand washing the other.” We collude when we support and pledge allegiance to an unethical or incompetent leader, manager, supervisor, direct report, or co-worker so we both can feel emotionally safe with each other. If I collude, the other(s) will appreciate my support and feel seen and I’ll experience his/her appreciation, which allows me to feel seen and accepted or be “OK” in some way in this unethical and inappropriate (dysfunctional or co-dependent) relationship.
We collude when we share insider information with only a select few so we’ll be viewed as caring about them and they will feel they’re special. When we collude with them, we feel in control, and secure; they feel acknowledged that we chose them. We are being duplicitous, self-deceptive, and inappropriate in our actions of giving and receiving. Think narcissist or hypocrite.
We collude when we verbally gang up on a third party through bullying, sarcasm, or gossiping, experiencing a false sense of connection and camaraderie with our co-colluder at the expense of the third party.
We collude when we withhold honest and forthright comments about inappropriate behavior in a feedback session for fear of alienating another whose work we respect. By resisting the truth, and perpetuating another’s false belief that their behavior is acceptable, we “play the game” of mutual respect while perpetuating our phony relationship of mutual “like.”
So, Why Do We Collude? Collusion is about lying to protect our oft-fragile egos instead of showing up in integrity. The curiosity is why we collude. We all experience a degree of deficiency – some more, some less. We all sense we are not “enough” or are lacking in some way. It’s the human condition. However, we have two options in dealing with our sense of lack or deficiency: 1. We can choose to “work” on our colluding to understand it and our underlying motives for colluding, and take conscious steps to effectively reduce and eliminate it so we can show up authentically, in integrity, sincerely and self-responsibly. Or, 2. We can deceive ourselves and ignore, deny, and resist telling the truth, hoping to keep our relationship with our self and with others emotionally intact. We ignore “the elephants in the room,” wearing blinders to what needs to be done, said, heard, felt, and seen – hoping that denial will “keep the emotional peace” and perpetuate the co-dependent or dysfunctional relationship.
The Basic Problem with Collusion Collusion is a progressive drug. We need to lie and collude more and more to maintain the false feeling of emotional safety. When we collude, we are ever “vigilant,” fearful of whether we will be “found out.” We are constantly worried and concerned whether our co-colluder(s) will have a “conversion,” fearing we’ll be “outed.” Colluding is exhausting, requiring an inordinate amount of physical, emotional, and psychic energy, continually shoring up relationships that have no true foundation built on trust or truth.
The Antidote for Collusion Colluding is corrosive to one’s head, heart, and soul. The antidote is twofold: to seek an understanding of the reasons (excuses) why we refuse to tell our self and others the truth, and then set our intention to tell the truth when often we would rather resist. Truth-telling requires empathy, compassion, acceptance, and courage. Behaving appropriately is freeing – emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically. Behaving ethically and appropriately allows us to show up authentically, honestly, and in integrity. Behaving ethically and appropriately is the only way to experience true and real relationships with others.
From a workplace research perspective, meaning, happiness and true friendship most often appear as the top responses to the research question, “What’s really important to you at work?” University of Virginia, Darden School of Business professor Mary C. Gentile, in “Giving Voice to Values: How to Speak Your Mind When You Know What’s Right,” says: “One of the most powerful lenses through which to view values in the workplace – and one of the most powerful sources of values that people in organizations tap into – is the relationships and social ties between people. … The basic impulse to ‘protect my people’ can be an incredibly powerful force for good.”
Collusion, although often seen as a negative behavior, can also stem from a desire to protect others. It is not always intentional or malicious, but rather a way for individuals to feel connected and accepted in their workplace environment. However, individuals need to recognize when collusion is occurring and take steps toward being more authentic and truthful in their relationships with others. This can lead to a more positive work culture where integrity is valued and true connections are formed based on genuine respect and empathy. So, instead of turning a blind eye or going along with unethical behavior, it is important to have the courage and integrity to speak up and address these issues respectfully and constructively. This not only benefits the individual but also helps foster a healthier and more positive work environment for all.
Some Intentions to Consider:
I choose to build authentic relationships based on honesty, compassion, and ethical behaviors in our workplaces.
I choose to break free from the cycle of collusion and create a more positive work environment where true connections are formed based on honesty, respect, and integrity.
I choose to be courageous enough to speak up when I see unethical behavior and work towards building a culture of authenticity and trust in our workplaces.
I chose to make a difference not just in my own life but also in the lives of those around me.
I choose to be true to myself and dare to speak up for what is right.
I choose to break free from the chains of collusion and create a brighter, more ethical future for my workplaces.
I choose to challenge my own motivations for colluding and work towards building a culture where honesty, authenticity, and ethical behaviors are valued above all else.
I choose to create a workplace where true connections are formed based on mutual trust and respect, rather than false facades and collusive behaviors.
I choose to create an environment that fosters growth, development, and true happiness for myself and others.
I choose to take responsibility for my own actions and work towards the common good goal of building a better, more ethical workplace.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
Are you afraid to tell the truth at work?
Do you engage in colluding with colleagues?
Do others avoid giving you honest feedback for fear of your reaction?
Do you believe truth-telling can improve your workplace environment?
Have you witnessed collusion damaging a professional relationship?
What prevents you from being truthful in your professional settings?
In what ways do you find yourself colluding at work?
How were you first introduced to the concept of colluding, and what impact did it have on you?
In which situations do you find it challenging to maintain honesty at work?
What barriers to honest communication exist within your workplace infrastructure?
What benefits do you perceive in colluding, and is there an alternative way to achieve the same outcomes without it?
Describe your emotional response when faced with a situation involving collusion.
Can you share an instance where being truthful led to a positive change within your workplace?
How does the potential for confrontation influence your willingness to voice concerns or ethical dilemmas?
How does the culture of your workplace motivate you to address or possibly avoid issues of integrity and ethics, and in what unique ways does this cultural framework influence your personal approach to ethical dilemmas?
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control, or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
Bob Marley’s ‘Redemption Song’ serves as a profound anthem for emancipation from the intangible chains that constrict our growth and freedom. It’s not only a tribute to the physical plight of past generations but also resonates as a timeless beacon for psychological and spiritual liberation. The song invites us to reflect on the shackles of self-doubt, societal pressures, and inherited limitations that hinder our path to true freedom and self-fulfillment.
(c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control, or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
A reminder to find joy in the little things, cherish human connections and appreciate the beauty of simplicity in our everyday lives.
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, home, play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just feel that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
Searching for Relief Many folks claim they want to heal. However, in reality, what they actually seek is less pain and suffering. This is an important distinction.
The Quick Fixes Many folks hunger for a magic bullet to alleviate their discomfort, the frustration they experience at work, at home, even at play, and, of course, in their relationships. They search for the quick fix: a chemical remedy through a prescription or over-the-counter medicine or a non-chemical-(usually) socially acceptable remedy as in food, alcohol, television, sex, surgery, or non-surgical procedure. All of this is done to mask their discomfort and treat their symptoms. Pop the pill. Eat the food. Take the drink. Have sex. Experience the procedure. The discomfort disappears. They may move back to some sense of normalcy, but certainly not towards healing. How so?
The Fear of Healing True healing can be scary and threatening. Why? True healing requires more than feeling normal again. True healing requires us to ask (and answer!):
1. In what ways do I contribute to my discomfort? How am I responsible for the situation (mental, emotional, spiritual, psychological, social, financial, health, etc.) in which I find myself? 2. Which of my thoughts, beliefs, preconceptions, values, expectations, assumptions, “stories,” choices, and actions are responsible for the imbalance, dis-harmony, and unhappiness I’m experiencing in my life at work, at home at play, or in my relationships? 3. Am I willing to make the necessary life changes, including taking action to reduce and eliminate my sense of imbalance, dis-harmony, and unhappiness?
Simple, right? But, not easy, which is why many folks often think, or obsess, about change but rarely take positive and sustaining action to effect true and real change at 9:00 Monday morning. As one coaching client told me early on in their change process, “I’m thinking about, getting ready, to get started.” Hmmm.
Ego’s Role in Change What’s the real deal about healing? What stands in the way of most folks’ willingness to change is ego.
Ego is necessary. Ego supports us as we navigate how we live our lives. The ego includes our personality and our individuality. The ego helps us to pretend we are individuals. Ego helps us remember where we left our wallet, what we need to buy for dinner, and what time the team meeting is. Our ego defines our thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions.
Ego believes that its ultimate responsibility is to keep us safe and protect us from harm of any sort – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or psychological. The lenses through which the ego views the world tend to see the world as scary and hurtful. Because of this, we spend much of our life defending ourselves against others we perceive as judging, being critical of, or threatening us in some way, shape, or form.
Consider (honestly): how many of our moment-to-moment thoughts are healing or loving thoughts? How many are fear-based, judgmental, or negative thoughts? For lots of folks, it is the latter. If we’re being honest here.
Remember, our ego’s job is to keep us feeling safe and secure (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and/or psychologically). When we contemplate changing our (ego’s) beliefs, thoughts, “stories” preconceptions, etc. about our life and living in the world, our ego becomes scared. In subtle and insidious ways, our ego works to ensure that we continue to think, believe, and behave exactly as we have in the past. Why? Change is hurtful to our ego; it wants us to feel it’s acting on our behalf, to keep us safe, by “not acting,” i.e., not changing, not healing.
Our ego believes that even our most painful, self-sabotaging, or limiting beliefs which we cling to are necessary because the small (or great) amount of pain that we experience as a result of these thoughts, actually protects us from a much bigger pain – “death” in some way, shape or form.
When we consciously consider creating true and real change, we assume there is something bad or wrong about our current thoughts or beliefs (and resulting behaviors). This triggers our ego which goes into protection mode. We spend lots of time beating ourselves up for thinking we are, in fact, bad or wrong for what we have been thinking or believing, or how we have been behaving, for much, or most of, our lives.
Embracing Thoughts without Judgment For true and real change to exist, we must allow our beliefs and thoughts – whatever they are- to take shape in our minds. Then we observe them and allow them. We do not judge them. We don’t beat ourselves up over them. This action quiets the ego and our Inner Judge and Critic – who wants us to feel small, invisible, scared, wrong, and bad.
When our ego understands there is nothing “bad” or “wrong” with our thoughts or beliefs (they just “are”), resistance fades. We grab hold of the freedom and the opportunity to introduce new thoughts and beliefs and, with these, we create the capacity to make new choices and take new actions.
We created most of the limiting and painful beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world during our childhood. We employed whatever resources we had at that time, so we could feel safe, and secure and garner mommy and daddy’s – or primary caregivers’ – (and later, others’) love, attention, acceptance, and approval
Understanding Attachment and Vulnerability As we explore our healing journey, understanding the concept of “attachment” becomes paramount. It is often our natural inclination to cling to what is familiar, even if it harbors a pain that stunts our growth and healing. Acknowledging this tendency allows us to gradually relinquish our grip on past hurts, carving a path toward recovery. In this light, vulnerability emerges not as a weakness, but as a powerful catalyst for change. It takes immense courage to expose our wounds and embrace vulnerability, but in doing so, we open ourselves up to profound transformation.
Our beliefs worked for us, then, as children and as we matured through adolescence to adulthood. However, many, if not most, of those beliefs don’t work so well now. We need to update them.
The Possibility of Change The bottom line is that we can change our words, our thoughts, our beliefs, and resulting actions and behaviors, We can change our lives at work, at home, at play, and in relationships by creating new, supportive thoughts and beliefs by choosing to do so and then taking action that supports our new way of thinking. That is healing.
Our beliefs worked for us, then, as children and as we matured through adolescence to adulthood. However, many, if not most, of those beliefs don’t work so well now. We need to update them.
The Possibility of Change The bottom line is that we can change our words, our thoughts, our beliefs, and resulting actions and behaviors, We can change our lives at work, at home, at play, and in relationships by creating new, supportive thoughts and beliefs by choosing to do so and then taking action that supports our new way of thinking. That is healing.
Self-Compassion in Healing Self-compassion is another crucial component of the healing process. Too often, we are our own worst critics, beating ourselves up for past mistakes and failures. However, treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we offer others can be a powerful tool for self-growth. It allows us to cultivate a sense of empathy and forgiveness towards ourselves, fostering an environment conducive to healing and transformation.
Stages of Change Model The stages of a change model, developed by psychologists Carlo DiClemente and James Prochaska, provides a framework for understanding where one stands on the path to healing. It identifies six stages – pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse – through which individuals progress as they move toward positive change. By recognizing which stage they are in, individuals can better understand their journey and make informed decisions on how to move forward.
The psychology of healing and transformation encompasses complex concepts such as attachment, vulnerability, self-compassion, and the stages of change model. By incorporating these ideas into our understanding of the healing process, we can embark on a journey toward inner growth
In parallel with embracing vulnerability, the journey of healing is significantly bolstered by self-compassion. Treating oneself with kindness, and offering the same warmth and understanding we would freely give to others, becomes a crucial step in mending the heart and soul.
Moreover, recognizing our position within the stages of change model promotes awareness of our current state and readiness to progress further along the path of healing. By highlighting the milestones we’ve achieved and the obstacles we’ve overcome, we can navigate the complex landscape of personal transformation with greater clarity and purpose.
Continued Growth and Transformation Ultimately, by incorporating these concepts into our understanding of healing, we can cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and move towards a more fulfilling and authentic life. So, it is essential to continue exploring and integrating these ideas into our healing journey. As the saying goes, “healing is not linear,” so it is crucial to be open-minded to new perspectives and approaches as we continue on our path to recovery.
Through self-exploration and a willingness to embrace vulnerability, we can unlock the power of healing and transformation within ourselves.
Ultimately, the psychology of healing and transformation is a journey of self-discovery and growth, one that requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to let go of what no longer serves us. Through this process, we can emerge stronger, more resilient individuals who are better equipped to navigate life’s challenges with grace and authenticity. We begin to open to embracing all aspects of our experience and using them as stepping stones towards a more fulfilling and meaningful life. The possibilities for healing and transformation are endless, and it is up to us to embrace them wholeheartedly.
Some Questions for Self-reflection:
What limiting stories do you believe about yourself that prevent real change in key areas of your life?
Do you trust your intuition in making decisions, and what impact does this have?
How does how you speak to yourself differ from how you allow others to treat you?
Are your daily thoughts mostly rooted in love or fear (anger sadness, confusion…)?
Have you practiced observing your thoughts without attaching to them?
What debilitating belief would you choose to change today, and what stands in your way?
What small action can you commit to this week to initiate change in your self-perception?
Which of your beliefs about key aspects of life causes you happiness or suffering?
Can you identify a pattern of clinging to familiar pain, and one step to move past it?
Can you share an instance where vulnerability led to personal growth?
How can you apply self-compassion in your current challenges?
Reflect on a difficult time when you sustained a positive change; what helped you?
How does self-forgiveness play a role in your healing, and what step can you take towards it?
Are you open to receiving support and guidance from others in your growth journey?
How do you prioritize self-care and self-love in your daily life?
Have you explored different methods of self-reflection, such as journaling or meditation, and how have they helped you?
How do you stay motivated and resilient in the face of setbacks and challenges?
Can you recognize the power of your thoughts in shaping your reality?
Do you believe that you are in control of your happiness, or do external factors have a greater influence?
How have you grown and evolved from your past experiences and challenges?
What steps can you take to continue growing and evolving towards your best self?
Have you considered seeking guidance or support from a therapist or life coach in your growth journey?
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control, or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.
📚 Exciting News! My Book’s New Chapters in Understanding Ourselves. 🌟
Since publishing “Becoming a Better You: Who You Are vs. Who You Think You Are” in 2013, the landscape of our internal and societal dynamics has evolved drastically. Today, I’m thrilled to share with you the expanded edition that reflects our new times.
👁🗨 In this significant update, which includes three brand-new chapters, I delve deeper into the societal fissures that define our current epoch – the uptick in incivility, aggression, inhumanity, and divisiveness that paints a tangled picture of who we are as a collective.
🆕 In chapters 25-27, I explore the impact of childhood wounds on adult behavior and societal interactions – how the scars from our past seep into the present, polluting our society with aggression, incivility, hate crimes, and cruelty.
💡 It’s a timely narrative: The cruelties and conflicts we see around us are not spontaneous but responses to unhealed traumas. This book is your key to understanding the cycle, an opportunity to heal, and an invitation to bring forth empathy and harmony in a world that dearly needs it.
🏆 Whether you’re an advocate for mental health, a seeker of personal growth, or simply intrigued by the influence of the past on our collective future, this updated edition is written for you.
I feel this continued journey toward healing is imperative—because the journey to becoming a better you has the power to transform all of us for the better.
Affirmations—the positive mantras that individuals repeat with the hope of manifesting change—are often lauded as powerful mental tools. Yet, their effectiveness hinges critically on the user’s psychological and physiological states. Research shows that affirmations can bear fruit IF/WHEN (repeat, IF/WHEN) the individual’s emotional state is receptive to change, free from self-doubt or resistance. Some of the evidence lies in the study of neurolinguistics, which suggests that the congruence between thoughts, emotions, and physiological responses can reinforce new neural pathways, with researchers like Dr. Norman Vincent Peale (“The Power of Positive Thinking”) and Louise L. Hay (`You Can Heal Your Life`) emphasizing this alignment as vital to personal transformation.
Affirmations have been used by folks for centuries to help them overcome negative thoughts and beliefs. These simple, but powerful statements can be repeated daily to help individuals cultivate a positive mindset and reach their goals. However, repeating affirmations without addressing underlying psychological or physiological issuesmay not yield the desired results. REPEAT, repeating affirmations without addressing underlying psychological or physiological issues may not yield the desired results.
Aligning Mind and Body Research in neurolinguistics has shown that the mind and body are intricately connected, and any change in thoughts or emotions can lead to corresponding changes in the body. This means that for affirmations to be effective, individuals must not only repeat positive statements but also align their thoughts, emotions, and physical state toward the desired outcome.
For example, if an individual is struggling with self-doubt or feelings of unworthiness, repeating affirmations about self-confidence may not be effective unless they also address and work through these underlying issues. The mind and body must be in alignment for affirmations to create positive change.
Additionally, the timing of affirmations can also play a crucial role in their effectiveness. Studies have shown that repeating affirmations during moments of relaxation or meditation can increase their impact. This is because the mind is more open and receptive during these states, allowing for a deeper connection between thoughts, emotions, and physiological responses.
Limits of Affirmations Cognitive Dissonance shows that affirmations tend to fall short when there is a discord between the individual’s conscious intentions and subconscious beliefs. Psychotherapist Ronald Alexander points out in his work on affirmations, that the underlying emotional conflict creates a barrier that mere repetition of words cannot overcome. Furthermore, a tense physiological state marked by stress hormones can impede the brain’s ability to embrace positive assertions, according to findings by neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza. This suggests that in order for affirmations to be truly effective, individuals must also address any cognitive dissonance and release tension from the body.
To do this, it may be necessary for individuals to engage in practices such as therapy, meditation, or mindfulness techniques to identify and work through conflicting beliefs and emotions. By addressing these barriers, individuals can create a more receptive environment for affirmations to take root and bring about positive change.
It’s also important to note that affirmations should not be used as a substitute for professional help in cases of serious psychological or physiological conditions. In these situations, seeking the guidance of a trained therapist or medical professional is crucial for proper treatment.
While affirmations can be effective tools for personal growth and transformation, they are not a one-size-fits-all solution. By understanding the mind-body connection and addressing underlying issues, individuals can use affirmations as part of a holistic approach to self-improvement. With dedication, consistency, and a balanced mindset, affirmations can be a powerful tool for creating positive change in one’s life. Overall, affirmations can be a valuable addition to one’s personal growth journey when used thoughtfully and in conjunction with other practices that foster holistic well-being.
Cognitive Consistency and Visualization For affirmations to mature into reality, it is also essential to vocalize or visualize an outcome and engross oneself in the sensory and emotional experiences of that desired state. When negativity, mistrust, or emotional tension pervades, they infect the process, stifling the potential for affirmations to yield results. Conversely, when an individual can couple their affirmations with a vivid, heart-felt visualization—and embody the feelings that accompany the realization of those affirmations—the chances of them working increase significantly as supported by the works of Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith. This integration of the mind, body, and emotions is crucial for affirmations to have a lasting impact. So instead of just repeating words, try immersing yourself in the experience of your desired outcome through visualization and emotional engagement.
Affirmations are not a mere recitation of words but a holistic practice. They demand harmony between thought, emotion, and body, aligning positive intent with a physiological state conducive to acceptance and change.
Practical Application and Goal Setting The effectiveness of affirmations also lies in the adept integration of visualization and specific goal setting. Vague or unattainable aspirations can thwart the power of affirmations, leading to disappointment. Setting tangible, realistic goals provides a clear direction for personal development and infuses affirmations with intention and substance, thereby augmenting their power to influence real-life changes.
Affirmations represent a symphony of thought, feeling, and physical state—all of which must be in harmony for the message to resonate fully within an individual’s being. When approached as an integral component of a holistic self-improvement strategy, affirmations transcend mere words, embodying a practice that sails beyond simple recitation into the experiential realization of each declared intent.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
Do I genuinely believe in the affirmations I use, or do they not resonate with my deeper beliefs?
Have I observed any shifts in my emotional or physical state when I practice affirmations?
What precise and attainable goals have I established for my affirmation routine?
Is my affirmation practice paired with a state of relaxation, such as post-meditation?
Can I identify a moment where my thoughts and emotions aligned and created a noticeable change?
Am I incorporating visualization to enhance my affirmation practice?
Do I actively address and resolve issues that may hinder my affirmation effectiveness?
When facing significant psychological challenges, have I sought professional advice?
Do I integrate affirmations as part of a broader strategy for personal growth?
What strategies help me embody the outcomes I desire through affirmations?
Am I open to modifying my affirmations to reflect my true self?
What daily habits can increase my mind and body’s openness to affirmations?
How do I manage skepticism or adverse feelings during affirmations?
How can I keep my affirmations in line with my personal evolution?
Have I pinpointed the emotional blocks that could be affecting my affirmations?
Do I notice any behavioral changes that result from consistent affirmation practice?
When do my affirmations seem most effective, and how can I leverage that time?
How do I balance affirmations with other self-development practices?
—————————————————– (c) 2024, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.
What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play, or in relationship? Maybe you know what that thing is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”
I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you in focusing on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.