Refusing to Let Go

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Refusing to Let Go

“We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning; for what in the morning was true will in evening become a lie.” ­Carl Jung

Life -­ at work, at home, at play, and in relationship – evolves daily, even moment to moment.

We’ve heard the expression “change is the one constant in life.” Every day we experience change in some way, shape or form. For many, change is unsettling;­ it dredges up our feelings of insecurity, instability and disharmony.

 The pain and suffering of change

These uncomfortable feelings and emotions do not come from the change itself. Rather, our experience of the pain and suffering we experience with change results not from the experience of change, but from efforting to hold on ­ to the past, to familiar ways of thinking, be-ing and do-ing. Perhaps you’ve recently reacted to, or resisted calls for, change in your work, in your life at home, in your relationships or even in the habits and patterns you’re accustomed to in your play and recreation.

Fear of change

Underneath our reactivity to change is some type of fear ­ e.g., fear of the unknown, fear of new ways of doing things or thinking about things, fear about having to learn something new, fear of letting go, fear of being different, fear of “who I might become” and the like. This fear presents a tremendous opportunity for personal and professional growth. How so?

When we experience our fear around change, a powerful question to explore is, “What am I afraid of?” This exploration allows us to dig deeper and understand what’s beneath our fear ­- an opportunity to see what we can learn about our fear, what fear is telling us. If we enter this exploration from a place of curiosity, rather than from self-judgment (i.e., feeling “bad” or “wrong” with our discomfort around change), we can begin to be at peace with out fear. We can watch it. We can observe it as it moves through us. But we don’t have to “become” it. We can just be with it. We can have fear, but not be afraid.

Rather than denying or resisting our fear, talking a detour to move around it, suppressing it or controlling it, we can lovingly and compassionately invite ourselves to come into direct contact with our fear and see what it wants to teach us about ourselves.

 Fear can lead to love

Fear and love are on opposite ends of a continuum. The more we can be with our fear, allow it, understand it and learn from it, the greater our ability to experience life from the love side of the continuum ­ where change is not so threatening. On the love (of ourself) side, we feel less resistance to change, we are more capable of “going with the flow,” we have less need to control, and surprisingly, we find we are more trusting when change happens – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

The first step towards being OK with change is acceptance ­ acceptance not of the change, but acceptance of yourself, of your fears around the change, believing that it’s OK to feel your feelings. The next step is to go inside and explore what’s underneath your fears. Really explore and not try to “think” your fear away (an art form in Western culture). Once you accept yourself as you face change, you become more clear about the causes of your fear, your reactivity and resistance. You develop the capacity to be more open to allow change. Exploring your fear from this place will lead you to “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right action” with respect to the change.

 Tension leads to growth

The beauty of the fear, and the tension around it, is that without tension growth is not possible. A seed cannot grow without tension. Some seeds need cold, some need warmth. When seeds begin to grow, they meet the resistance of their shell. As such, they need to push through the soil ­ some even need to push through concrete or macadam -­ and then against gravity and the wind. The deal is that none of these resistance elements inhibits the seed from growing but, rather, they enhance its growth into a mature and strong plant. This is why fear is an opportunity for growth.

So, at work, and at home, at play and in relationship, we can learn to grow through change -­ we cannot change and grow while resisting, defending and holding on to the status quo, hanging on to dear life. Change is not a threat to growth but, rather, an integral part of it.

Resisting change and the illusion of “comfort”

Many folks resist change in order to remain “comfortable.” But, the comfort they wish to hang on to is “wrapped” in fear, in a quiet or not-so-quiet mental/emotional state of vigilance or subtle agitation masquerading as “comfort” (always fearful that something or someone will “change”). In this place of “faux” comfort, one cannot experience true and real comfort, true and real inner harmony and peace. What these folks really want is harmony; what they really experience is inertia and numbness.

Harmony comes when one is at peace with one’s life and one’s environment, when one is open to change and adaptation ­ not resistant to it.

Hanging on for dear life, does not result in a dear life. It results in tension, stress, anxiety, resistance and resentment.

Exploring our fear and resistance is the pathway to harmony and inner peace, personal and professional growth, development, harmony and balance.

Finally, remember, life is change. Life is choices. Whether you embrace change or come to it kicking and screaming is your choice. We cannot grow and thrive without change, conflict and tension. Avoiding change, denying change, resisting change keeps us feeling like a victim, always wanting to blame someone or something for the way we feel.

When we choose to explore our resistance and fear around change, we learn more about ourselves, become stronger, more courageous, more autonomous, more willful, more resiliant and more engaged in living life.

Change is an opportunity for us to navigate our world with our eyes “wide open,” not “wide shut”. Change allows us to grow our minds, stretch beyond our mental limits and emotional boundaries. Change allows us to move through life with a greater degree of trust, freedom and harmony.

 Moving beyond your fear

So, here’s an exercise to support you to move beyond your fear:

Acknowledge and really feel your fear without judging and criticizing yourself. Allow your fear. Invite it in.

Ask your fear what it’s there to tell you. Be alert for inner messages that will bring you greater understanding of your situation. Listen with your heart, your inner self, not your “logical-ego mind”.

Be fully present. Relax into your body. Breathe deeply and continuously into you belly. Be curious.

Ask your higher knowing: “What can I do to improve my situation? What do I need to know and understand?”

Taking action on what you discover helps get your energy moving. (Action absorbs anxiety; paralysis doesn’t.)

Some questions for self-reflection are:

• What is your greatest fear? Why do you fear what you’re fearing?
• Are there aspects of yourself you reject? How so?
• Where are you experiencing tension or conflict in your life? Where are you struggling facing major challenges? (career, home, play, relationship, finances, health…?)
• Do you face change with ATTENTION or TENSION?
• How can you use tension and conflict to grow stronger, and become more authentic, as you?
• What is a current change or conflict in your life telling you? What area of potential is it pointing to? What quality about your self is it pointing to?
• Are your current tensions or conflicts the same as last year, the year before and the year before that? If so, how so?
• Would you characterize yourself as an embracer of change or a victim of change? How so?
• Do you feel you have the right and the power to decide how anyone or anything can affect you?
• Would your colleagues, friends or family say you most often embrace change or resist change?
• Are you hanging on for dear life in some way, shape or form in your life? How so?
• How did you and your family deal with change as you were growing up?
• Do you rey on beliefs that supported you in your youth to help you deal with change in your current stage of life? Are these beliefs truly supporting you now or are they causing you discomfort in some way (and yet you still cling to them)? How so?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, http://www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

“…he not busy being born is busy dying” – Bob Dylan Part 2

I received a number of responses to Part 1. One, in particular, struck me. It was from a woman who has worked in the helping profession – a teacher for 42 years, most of them with a focus on children and youth with mild to severe emotional/behavioral problems, and 15 years as a Certified Hypnotist. She just turned 80 and recently received a diagnosis of “Mild Cognitive Dysfunction with Alzheimer’s disease. It is step one of 10 in the Alzheimer’s steps.”

What struck me is her “busy being born” approach to life and living. Here is some of what she shared (with her permission). I deleted personal and other specific details.

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“… I think I’m really trying to pack in as much activity as I can while I can. Two choir practices weekly, two service committees at _____, just finished leading a 6 weeks Zoom book class at _____. Then there’s a monthly coffee house, monthly master mind group, and monthly bring-a-bagged lunch after church gathering to discuss anything on our minds.  This a.m. I played (piano) a version of Pachelbel’s Canon before the meditation. And sang a song with our church choir. I get to play at church every couple of months. Then there’s exercise, cleaning, going to doctors, and having to rest.

 The Emory clinic has Clinical Social Workers for those in my situation. I’ve had a couple of Zoom appointments with one and will have my third tomorrow. They are equipped to give good advice regarding my situation. I haven’t told (my daughter) yet and the social worker says when I’m ready we could do a virtual visit with ___.    

Around a year ago I started getting the message, “Be with people,” as my current way of serving, vs helping people overcome whatever was limiting them as I saw my role for so many years. I’m probably overdoing it at times, but I am enjoying my many activities and wonderful people in my life.

May 5th, 6th, and 7th, I am going to the annual Women’s group retreat in the mountains in GA. 

I have not practiced the choral music for my long time choral group enough and now am needing to seriously study it for our upcoming concert on Saturday… We have rehearsals on Monday and Friday night that same week….”

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I think she’s a fine model of resilience, a popular concept these days. And rather than explore her resilience from the 50,000 foot level, she models it literally “at 9 o’clock Monday morning.” You know, “busy being born” in a minute-to-minute, day-to-day, week-to-week approach to her life. 

She models the six indicators of resilience ( e.g., as describes in the Personal Resistance Indicator – PRI):  HEALTH – lifestyle choices and routines supporting physical and mental wellbeing; PURPOSE – sense of meaning in life and determination to pursue goals; PROBLEM-SOLVING – resourcefulness to overcome unexpected challenges; PERSEVERANCE – optimism and flexibility to deal with and push through setbacks; COMPOSURE – the ability to respond rather than react to stressful situations; RELATIONSHIPS – degree of social support and connection to others and  EMOTIONAL-EXECUTIVE BALANCE – a “clinical” neuro/psychological/biological understanding and approach to dealing with stress.

The Mayo Clinic emphasizes the importance of resilience as a critical strategy in coping with life’s challenges and as a strategy to help protect you from various mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety. Getting connected, making every day meaningful, learning from experience, remaining hopeful, taking care of yourself and being proactive – tools the Clinic recommends – are woven through her daily “busy being born” life.

“…he not busy being born is busy dying” – Bob Dylan

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Source: song: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)

Bob Dylan’s quote “he not busy being born is busy dying” is a reflection on the idea that life is about growth and change. The quote suggests that those who are not actively engaged in personal growth and development are essentially wasting their time and are slowly dying inside, or becoming stagnant.

In other words, if you are not constantly learning, growing, evolving, embracing new ideas, perspectives and experiences and challenging yourself to be better versions of yourself, you are not fully living. To Dylan, a life worth living is one where we are always seeking new experiences, learning from our mistakes and striving to be our best selves. In this way, the quote can be seen as a call to action, encouraging us to make the most of our time on earth by staying curious, open and engaged in the world around us. If someone is not actively seeking new experiences or learning new things, then they are simply wasting away and not fully living their life.

So, how about you?

Questions for self-refection:

How can you make the world (humanity, flora, fauna…) a little bit better today because of your presence upon it? Will you?

Can you do something today that makes you happy, revitalizes you, fills you up with joy, helps you fall in love with life? Will you? How so?

Would you consider engaging in one or more of these personal growth challenges today:

Do something you hate to do.

Do something you don’t like to do.

Do something you never have time to do.

Do something that’s not like you. (If you’re unsure or unclear about what this might mean, ask your spouse/partner or a close friend – they’ll tell you in a heartbeat.)

When you experience a painful, unpleasant or challenging situation, can you focus on the “good” around it? Can you see the gift this challenge is offering you?

Can you do something for another today?

Can you surround yourself with peace and happiness while you’re feeling “pain?”

When you’re facing a setback, can you ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”

Rather than resist the fight to challenge (a person, event, circumstance…), can you ask yourself, “How can I be more flexible, adaptable, and see this as an opportunity for personal growth?” Yes/No? How so?

Can you view every person, place, object, event, circumstance, and experience in your life, as your “teacher?” Can you be curious about the learnings/lessons (about you) life is giving you? Yes or no? How so?

Are you suppressing or repressing your creative juices or instincts? Are you fearful of allowing your “creative side” to show? How so? What excuses (they’re never reasons) do you make for squashing the creative side of yourself? When did you first learn to suppress your creative side? What one creative act can you engage in today? Will you?

Are you currently engaged or involved in growth and learning opportunities in your work? How so? If not, how can you make it happen?

How willing are you to explore new/different perspectives about one belief that you hold as sacrosanct?

Do you ever feel you are wasting your time “down here?” What’s that like?

What have you learned about yourself from a recent mistake you made? Are you open to learning from your mistakes? How so?

Do you think you’re making the most of your time “down here?” Why, or why not? How so?

How able are you to embrace the “suck” in your life? Do you ever meditate on the “suck” in your life?

Looking on the past day, week, month year, years, are you busy being born or busy dying? How so?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Are “Difficult People” Really “Difficult?”

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Google “working with difficult people,” and you’ll get about 2,330,000,000 results; “difficult coworkers,” a whopping 128,000,000 results.

They’re everywhere
In most every organization – i.e., work, home, play, etc. – we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, annoy or otherwise trigger us. They make us want to scream, or worse. Usually, we refer to such folks as “difficult people.” Some we label simply irritating; others we label rude and there are those we label impossible to work/be with. So, what makes people “difficult?”

“Difficult,” of course, is in the eye of the beholder

In the eye of the beholder
The question is not what makes them difficult, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult. What we tell ourselves that supports our being triggered, reactive. We concoct stories about such folks (“S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor.”) that characterizes them as difficult.

The truth about difficulty
When we drill down to the truth of the difficulty characterization, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish or aberrant. The truth of the difficulty matter is that often the difficulty is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What happens is we have created a story about that person – a story we assume to be real and true.

How do we know our story is true?
So, when we feel the urge to label another as difficult, a first step is to check out the reality of our story, the facts. Here are three self-reflective questions to support your inquiry:

1. What is that person doing/being, that is problematical for me?

What are the observable and measurable behaviors that point to “difficult?” Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment, such as “Well, it’s nothing specific; they’re just being a jerk (or worse).”

Because we’re so attached to our story, we often fail to specify the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I’m directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do/be differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story, so it would serve you to deal with specifics.

2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?

When we create stories, we create a subjective, judgmental way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “lazy” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving lazy in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up rejection tunes and look and listen for incidents which allow me to say, “See, there they goes again; they like that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”

We create distortions that support us to prove we are right, that our story is true. We look to gather lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves, “Is this the whole story?” “Is my story really the truth?” “Is it possible I’m distorting things a bit?” “In fact, is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the (idiot, jerk, bad person…) I make him or her out to be?” “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?

The bottom line is our stories influence our behavior. Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become conscious of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are: How do I behave toward another based on my story? And, am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

The antidote – curiosity, not judgment
A next step is to become curious as to whether I’m perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being difficult through my story and reactivity?

Yes, there are difficult people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really difficult, or whether I’m a major contributing factor to their being difficult through my story. And how do I know the difference.

Reflect first
Finally, I invite you to reflect on the following thoughts that could inform your inquiry into difficult people and your stories about them:

(1) Everyone is in chapter three of their life. We often base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in chapters one and two. Truth is, we don’t know.

(2) Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk (or fill in the blank with another difficult descriptor)?” And then, compassionately, give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as the truth.

(3) No one (read: no one) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” Maybe move to place of compassion and give the other the benefit of the doubt.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How do you generally react when you come across a “difficult” person? How so?
• Do you ever give a difficult person the benefit of the doubt? Why, or why not?
• What does labeling someone as “difficult” get you?
• Do you ever make judgments about folks, assuming you know all about them (chapters one and two)?
• Have you ever asked colleagues, bosses, friends, spouse/partner or child(ren) if you’re a difficult person? If not, would you? If not, why not?
• Have you even been judged as difficult or been judged harshly or unfairly? How did you feel?
• Have you ever been told you were quick to judge?
• Do you ever make up stories about people? How do your stories make you feel?
• Do you ever feel compassionate towards difficult people? Do you ever defend “difficult” people? How so?
• Do you ever justify your own being difficult while admonishing others for their being difficult? What’s the difference?
• When the choice is between seeing another as a human being or a villain (difficult), which do you normally choose? Why?
• What one or two baby steps might you take this week and next to discern the facts about someone you might have labeled as difficult to see if your story is, really, really true?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Zoom, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Heaven and Hell at W ork

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Heaven and Hell at Work
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One night, a man (generic) had a dream, and in the dream an angel comes and takes him on a tour of heaven and hell. They visit hell first. It turns out that hell, surprisingly enough, is a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink one could possibly want. The people at the tables, however, are angry, frustrated, rude, despairing, depressed, stressed, thin, emaciated and wasting away. The silverware in hell is about four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. Thus, all these folks, who are interested only in feeding themselves, are unable to do so, are unable to manage a four-foot utensil in such a way they can bring the other end to their own mouth.

They leave hell and then go to visit heaven.

It turns out that heaven, surprisingly enough, is also a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink you could possibly want. The folks in heaven are joyful, happy, content, engaged, and manifest a healthy sense of well-being. The silverware is exactly the same as in hell, four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. The difference? Here, in heaven, the people are reaching across the table and feeding each other. (This teaching is often attributed to Rabbi Haim of Romshishok-Adapted by Grian A. Cutanda (2019).)

In every conscious, healthy social system, in every work environment, everyone, yes, everyone, makes a contribution – overtly or covertly, actively or passively, consciously or unconsciously and, most importantly, for the “good of the order” or, conversely, for the “ill of the organization” – but everyone, i.e., you, contributes one way or another.

Your beliefs about yourself and your colleagues and how you see others contribute to whether you are creating heaven or hell in your life in some way, shape or form.

How do you experience life in your organization (or, in your family or relationship)?

Who are you feeding?

Is your life at work centered on feeding your self?

Consider:

Is your life at work “all about me?”  Is “What’s in it for me?” your motive and mantra when you relate to others? Are you a bully, gossiper or blamer? Do coercion, dominance, power or control characterize your leadership or management style? Are folks expendable in a “take no prisoners’ approach to project management or meeting deadlines? Do you hoard information? Are you critical of others’ behaviors? Are your motives based solely on promotions, raises, corner offices and bonuses? Do you sacrifice integrity, trust, ethics or morals to garner money or prestige? Do you show favoritism? Do you see others as “stupid?” Do you ignore others’ requests, emails, and questions? Do you shun accountability for your actions and behaviors? Do you focus only on your own immediate tasks and responsibilities? Do you avoid conflict? Do you exhibit bias or prejudice? Are you disrespectful or uncooperative? Do you have hidden agendas? Do you make more statements than ask questions? Do you engage in irrational or argumentative thinking or emotional reactivity? Are you inflexible, selfish, arrogant or egotistical?

Or, perhaps your life at work is centered on feeding others?

Consider:

Do you encourage and inspire your colleagues? Do you live in integrity and authenticity? Do folks experience you as decent, honest, respectful and trustworthy? Do you assume accountability for your actions and mistakes? Do you think more about supporting others than about what’s wrong with others? Do you feel everyone has a right to a seat at the table? Are listening and coaching hallmarks of your leadership or management style? Do you show confidence in your direct reports? Do you exhibit empathy and concern for others’ well-be-ing? Are you energetic, upbeat, enthusiastic and optimistic? Do you encourage others to experience work-life balance? Are you self-aware and master of your emotions? Do you take time for self-reflection and encourage others to do so as well? Do you lead and manage with your heart as well as your head? Do you exude self-confidence? Do you live your organization’s values? Do you encourage others to contribute their thoughts, ideas and wisdom? Do you treat others like adults? Do you engage in open and honest communication, and give honest and timely feedback? Do you praise in public and deal privately with problems? Are you fair in your dealings with others? Do you act as a facilitator and guide? Are you an advocate for others? Are you humble? Do you make an effort to understand before being understood? Are you comfortable with conflict? Are you aware of your own limitations? Do you understand the challenges folks are facing and what frustrates them? Do you encourage collaboration and information sharing? Do you point out folks’ strengths? Do you honor your commitments and keep your promises?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of hell in your workplace?  If so, what story or stories do you make up to rationalize/justify your attitudes and actions to allow this to happen? How so?
• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of heaven in your workplace? What attitudes and actions support your contribution? How so?
• How might your colleagues answer these two questions regarding you, your attitudes and behavior? Honestly.
• How about life outside of work  – at home, at play and in relationships – who’s feeding whom?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Confucius, LI and Decency at Work

Confucius statue in Confucius Temple in Suzhou (China)

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The challenge for many in the workplace is simply this: how to be a business person and a human being at the same time, compete yet cooperate, be hard-nosed yet be ethical, keep one’s nose to the grindstone yet take time to see and acknowledge others, be professional yet personal, make a profit yet not be greedy. You get the picture.

We don’t have to look far to discover folks whose life at work takes the low road. Business magazines, journals, and news shows are replete with instances of individuals whose workplace demeanor is described as rude, insensitive, disrespectful, unethical, uncivil, egomaniacal and self-serving, greedy and dishonest. You might rub elbows with one or more such folks on a daily basis. And, all this despite the plethora of books, courses, seminars, workshops, policy and procedure manuals and treatises focusing on ethics and codes of conduct.

On the other hand, there are those whose lives at work are driven by their internal moral compass, a life at work guided by principles and values that support one to behave decently, truthfully and in integrity, who take the high road even when they face major challenges, problems and difficult choices.

What supports one to change lanes and move from the low road to the high road is Li, and Confucius expounded greatly on the nature and practice of Li.

Li, what is it?

Around 500 BCE, Confucius discussed the notion of Li, a spectrum of rites and rituals, i.e., a code of conduct, that focused on such things as learning, tea drinking, how to dress, mourning, governance, and interaction with humans. The underlying notion of Li was how to be respectful of nature, and one another. The term Li has several meanings, some of which are: propriety, reverence, courtesy, ritual or the ideal standard of conduct.

Li is what the sage uses to find that which is appropriate; it is both the means which sets the example for others, and the end which maximizes understanding, pleasure, and the greater good. In this way, the words and behaviors one uses to show respect for another are contained within the framework of Li.

As the practice of Li was continued through centuries, one central theme began to stand out – the natural tendency to be decent and kind towards one’s fellow human beings.

Confucius believed that Li was the source of right action in all behavior – that living life from a place of respect for all others was at the heart of living a harmonious and worthwhile life.

Li, however, does not come to one’s consciousness naturally. Li has to be cultivated. One must first learn and then practice the art of being in integrity, respecting the dignity of every human being and then become committed to, and disciplined in, the practice of Li.

Li in the workplace

The practice of Li runs the gamut from smiling at a co-worker, to holding a door open for another, to serving others, to being self-responsible, to questioning practices that are unethical, corrupt, and disrespectful or demeaning of others, each behavior having a conscious focus and intentionality on working toward and supporting the well-being of the workplace, and those who work there.

The challenge in today’s workplace is that the practice of Li is a practice that is, for many, one of fakeness, phoniness, and convenience where more often than not, rudeness and selfishness become the guiding principles where one is ego-driven and not cognizant of others around him or her, interrupting others at meetings, speaking over others, one-upping others, hijacking others’ experiences, needing to be the first one on and off the elevator, not holding a door for another, not saying please and thank you, and speaking ill of, or gossiping about, others. In fact, the opposite of Li is “me” i.e., rudeness, insensitivity, verbal abuse such as bullying, gossiping, and being disrespectful, and treating others as irrelevant.

Cultivating Li

The way to cultivate and practice Li at work begins with becoming conscious, asking one’s self: How am I behaving right here, right now? Am I taking an opportunity to allow my natural tendency to be decent, good and kind to arise? How am I showing up? Am I being authentic?

Li is not syrupy stuff. It’s not fluff. Its not being effusive. Its not being fake or phony. It’s not being patronizing. Li is being natural, honest, authentic, sincere, self-responsible and relaxed when we interact with another, any other.

Practicing Li does not mean we stop being firm and assertive, stop holding others accountable, stop telling the truth, stop telling the bad news, etc. Practicing Li allows us to come from a place of internal truth and integrity that supports us to be forthright, confident, courageous, and trusting that we will show up in a way that is respectful, decent and just be who we are right here and right now without the edge that we might heretofore have used to shore ourselves up.

Confucius believed that in order to truly achieve the principles of Li, the character of the true person, one must look within oneself. Confucius tells us to go inside in a sense, when he says, in effect, we know what is proper (i.e., Li), especially in difficult situations, from the wisdom arising out of contemplation. regularly going into self-reflection, inner listening, and sensing our gut, to accessing our inner wisdom that leads us to right knowing, right understanding and right action.

Cultivating the practice of Li supports us to live our life at work from a place of self-responsibility, honesty, decency, integrity, strength, courage, and humaneness even when we feel it might be inconvenient. Each of us is born with Li. Over time, however, we have lost our sense of Li as we allowed (often unconsciously) life to get in the way of being our True and Real, Authentic self. Over time, our Li morphed into fake personalities, fake personas, and masks. So, many of us became poseurs. In the process, we learned to navigate life, even life at work, with our eyes wide closed – reactive, fearful, and resistant, losing our humanity and decency.

Li supports us to live life, even life at work, with our eyes wide open.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do resentment or greed drive your interactions with others? How so?
• How might you experience fear in your workplace? How do you act when you feel fearful?
• Do you ever lie or stretch the truth? How so?
• Do you feel white lies are OK? Do you ever lie, cheat, or steal simply because it’s convenient…because you can? How so?
• Are there others you admire because of their integrity, sincerity and authenticity?
• Does you organization have a code of ethical conduct. Do you follow it? Do others?
• What one or two things can you do to cultivate and practice Li at work?
• Do you keep agreements?
• Do you admit when you are wrong? Do you apologize for mis-deeds?
• Do you have a personal code of conduct? Do you follow it? How so?
• Do you recognize the dignity in all others?
• Would folks at work (and at home and play) characterize you as a decent human being? Would you characterize yourself as a decent human being?
• Do you ever react to others in a way that communicates to them they are “irrelevant” or “irritants?”

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Meddling – The Butterfly and The Cocoon

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“The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, the whole being listens. Then there is a direct grasp of what is right there that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.” Chuang-Tzu, Chinese philosopher

In essence, the more we listen to what is going on inside our self, the better we understand what is happening outside. The more apt we are to allow the other to just be present in their experience, and not be so ego-driven to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain or correct the other in their experience.

Believing that we have to in some way “fix” another is the paramount obstacle to being present to and with the other.

Each of us is exactly where we’re men to be on our journey. Not ahead; not behind. Exactly where we are in relationship to our personal cocoon, to the unfolding of who we are and how we are.

In our Western approach to living and to life, many of us are caught in the strong urge to fix, give advice, or reassurance and to explain, directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly “our own position” or feeling.

The Buddhist way

There is a Buddhist statement that says, “Don’t just do something; stand there.” Stand there and just “be” there, indeed.

When we’re engaged with others who are experiencing, pain or suffering in some way shape or form, what works with them, is asking ourselves, “How I can be respectful, empathic, and present?”, sensing our own body, breathing, being consciously conscious of where I am in allowing this field of experience, so that I can just “be” with this person, knowing that their experience is just as it should be, that, in fact, they do have whatever “answers” they need in this moment, i.e., their answers and their moment, not “my” answers and “my” moment.

The Butterfly and the Cocoon (anonymous)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.

So, with respect to the butterfly and the cocoon, perhaps the individual’s “kindness” and “impatience” got in the way of the butterfly’s growth and development.

Meddling

So, it’s worth thinking about how we feel the need to meddle in another’s growth and developmental experience from “our” perspective, not theirs, from our states of impatience, or knowing, being the “sage,” from our ego-driven needs to be “right,” to have the answers, knowledge, wisdom, etc.

The question underneath the question is:

Why?
Really, why?
Really, really, really, why?

There’s much more inside each of our cocoons than simply air. There’s knowledge, wisdom, insight, energy, and much opportunity for growth – in mind, body and spirit. The question is whether we have the strength and courage to stay there for a while, and learn, and be, and allow others to do so as well.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How did/do you experience your cocoon?
• Are you comfortable being with your own pain and suffering?
• Do you look outside immediately for answers to your pain and suffering?
• What is/are the message(s) or lesson(s) you’re getting from your challenge(s)? How so?
• How do you respond/react in the face of another’s challenges?
• Are you quick to want to change, fix, advise, educate, console, story-tell, shut down, interrogate, explain, or correct another when they are hurting in some way?
• Can you just “stand there?” Is that difficult for you? Be honest.
• One a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) where would you rate yourself, generally, with respect to being (a) compassionate, (b) understanding and (c) empathic? Would your spouse/partner, child(ren), best friend, workmates, or other family members agree with you. Would you feel comfortable asking them?
• Can you love yourself and leave yourself alone (not judge, criticize or beat yourself up) when you’re experiencing pain and suffering?
• Can you honestly believe you’re exactly where you’re meant to be right now in your life? Why? Why not?

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

When I Make an Error….

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Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

“I think that whenever soul is present, it’s because what you’re doing, whom you’re with, where you are, evokes love without your thinking about it. You are totally absorbed in the place or person or event, without ego and without judgment.” – Jean Shinoda Bolen

Does it ever happen that when you make an error, mess up, miscalculate, etc. you tend to blame your environmental, organizational, or life circumstances for your action? That is, “it’s not about me.” But, when someone else messes up, do you generally point to some character flaw in them you assume caused them to behave badly or inappropriately?

I know what’s wrong with you

What’s operating here is a psycho-social dynamic called the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). In essence, the FAE says we have a tendency to focus on another’s personality, character, values, motives or attitudes when we judge their actions, while discounting their immediate situation or life circumstances as a reason for their behavior. We assume we “know” the other person and then judge them on the basis of “our knowing,” rather than on the social or environmental context which may be influencing them.

There’s nothing wrong with me

However, when it comes to me, it’s never about me! It’s always about my life circumstances or social context; it’s never about my own personality or character.

Consider:

1. On the way out of the building, I pass a coworker and say “hi.” They act like they don’t even see me, their eyes down, not a word. I assume they’re thoughtless, self-absorbed, unfriendly or even an absent-minded jerk.

2. My partner returns home after work and immediately goes to their computer. Not an “hello” or a glance – just a bee-line movement past me to get online. I choose to make a judgment about how disrespectful, unkind, unloving, cruel and uncaring they are. 

In both circumstances, I have made judgments and assumptions that point to the other’s personality or character – on the basis that I “know” them and what’s going on in their life.

What I don’t know

In the first example, the individual just learned her seventeen-year-old sun was in a car accident – is in the hospital in critical condition; and in the second, my partner was told at 4:45 pm, just before leaving work,  there was a chance they would be let go next week and they should check their email tonight for further information about the company’s possible next steps.

The critical question is: Why does it seldom occur to us that folks like those in these two examples may be preoccupied – in deep thought or reflection based on some challenging life circumstance or event?”

The point here is to be self-aware, conscious of how much our ego-mind, our judgmental-comparative, reactive mind, our human side, drives our habitual and patterned reactive behaviors and thoughts during our day, especially when it comes to interacting with and judging others.

The Antidote to the FAE

“When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.” – Marshall B. Rosenberg

One way to understand the FAE phenomena is to be curious about how we view others, and connect with others – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. What is the “frame” within which we relate to others?

An exercise

Imagine three walls. On one wall there are ten framed pictures (all ten are the same picture) of the individual in the first situation above. On the second wall there are ten pictures of your partner and on the third wall, ten of yourself. Under each frame is a blank label.

Next, label each individual in each picture in any way you wish – i.e., with a word,  a phrase….

When done, consider the labels, including those of yourself. How many of the labels reflect a “task-orientation” and how many reflect a “person-orientation?” How many reflect an objective, functional, role-playing, positional or impersonal orientation? How many reflect a subjective, heart-felt, or human orientation? How many reflect a human do-ing and how many a human be-ing?

Who’s judging – and the benefit of the doubt

Your labels can provide insight into what’s operating in us when we judge others. When we come from an impersonal, officious or “business-like” orientation to our world – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – we’re more inclined to be critical, objective or judgmental.

On the other hand, when we come from a heart-felt, soul-driven, subjective, personal and more conscious orientation, it’s often easier to be more aware of our reactivity, more able and willing to relate to the “person” as opposed to the “function” or role and be more open to giving another the benefit of the doubt – making no assumptions about another’s character, attitudes, values or motives. We allow that we don’t know chapter and verse about another (even our closest friends or loved ones) and thus refuse to judge them.

In fact, when we view others from a heart-felt place, we choose to be empathic, compassionate and accepting – understanding that, yes, another’s life circumstances and context can affect their behavior. No assumptions; no inferences.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” – Marcus Aurelius

Why the FAE is our default mode

Simple. It’s easier and less scary to judge others than to honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly get to know ourselves. Judging others lets us off the hook of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-management. Judging others’ motives and values allows us to forego exploring the truth of our own values and motives underneath our behaviors and attitudes.

Too, because we, in fact, don’t know – and/or don’t care – about what’s really going on in another’s life, we find it easier to focus on the person, rather than their context – assuming, comparing and criticizing based on what we think we know – or make up – about another.

Native Americans approach the FAE in this way: “Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”

Consider

Everyone is in Chapter Three of their life. No one knows what transpired in Chapters One and Two. Don’t assume you know.

No one gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” Don’t assume you know their motives for acting.

Showing up in life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – authentically, in integrity, and from a heart-felt place, we are more inclined to forego the FAE habit, or prejudge others. When we relate to others from a heart-felt, compassionate place, we can choose to be more accepting, forgiving, empathic and understanding.

Perhaps something to consider as we navigate through 2023.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Am I often prone to inferring what I think motivates another to act, or behave badly? If so, why?
• When I behave inappropriately, do I usually justify my negative behavior by pointing to outside events and circumstances, and not to myself?
• Do I own my negative actions?
• Do I ever consider how I’d behave if I were in another’s moccasins?
• Do I consciously observe, watch and witness my negative behaviors?
• Am I willing to consider unseen causes for another’s negative behavior?
• Can I be compassionate toward others who behave inappropriately? If not, what prevents me from doing so?
• Am I generally judgmental about others? What does being judgmental get me? How so?
• Is there someone on my team or in my family about whom I can be less judgmental, and more understanding? How so?
• Am I a master of the art form of blame?
• How do I feel when another judges me – especially when they have no idea of my life situation or context?
• What would my life be like if I practiced being totally receptive, without judgment, to the circumstances, events and people in my life?

“It’s not differences that divide us; it’s our judgments about each other that do.” – Margaret Wheatley

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(c) 2023, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Experiencing Well-Be-ing in 2023 — Facing the Truth about Change and Well-Being

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(Some of the links below are to articles on my website – all of which have been checked for viruses, etc.)
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“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”
– Herbert Agar

Think of change this way. Grasp a rubber band between the thumb and forefinger of your right hand and between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand. Think of this rubber band as change. Stretch the rubber band. Think of the right hand as representing new ways of do-ing, be-ing and having, i.e., stretching to move forward in your life. Think of your left hand as representing being brought back to old or current ways of do-ing, be-ing and having, i.e., pulled back to remain exactly where you are.

Each time you stretch (i.e., move beyond your comfort zone) to act in some new way (your right hand), your left hand (your mind, your body and your brain) are pulling you back into old programmed habits and patterns. We often allow ourselves to return to old patterns and continue old habits – even if they are self-defeating, self-limiting, and self-sabotaging – because we feel safe and secure. It’s a question of “the devil we know versus the devil we don’t.” This is the sole reason 98% of the folks who resolve to change in the New Year fail by Valentine’s Day as they fall back into old ways, habits and patterns, of do-ing, be-ing and having. The pull to passivity, to the same old patterns of do-ing and be-ing is just too powerful. Their challenge of something new, i.e., change, or the unknown, is trumped by their need for familiarity, safety, security i.e., their need to NOT change.

The truth about change
“The truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures.”
–HanSuyin

Creating true and real changes in one’s life is challenging. If you decide your life is more interesting, more satisfying, happier and more worthwhile living by not changing, that is your choice. But, you can’t have it both ways “I hate my life but I don’t want to change.” Or, “I want to change, but I don’t want to be different.” Remember the definition of insanity doing the same thing in the same way, over and over again, and expecting different results each time. Insanity is a choice. Sometimes conscious. Sometimes unconscious. Wanting to change, and doing nothing about it, day after day, year after year is one form of “insanity.” And remember, you’re not bad or wrong for not wanting to change. You are where you are. The question is, “What is it about change that frightens you, causes you concern or feels threatening?” What’s the truth, your truth? Self-awareness is key.

If you are adverse to change, maybe take some time (perhaps five minutes, ten minutes or thirty minutes) on a consistent basis for a while to explore your resistance to change. Being honest and serious about your life is challenging. If you can’t take some minutes for yourself on a consistent basis to explore how you feel about where you are, be curious about that. Are you resisting, and why? What does resisting get you?

So, here are some truths around change and well-being I and my coaching clients have explored over the years, truths which have supported us to change and transform our lives in ways that have resulted in a greater sense of well-be-ing – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or psychological, not to mention personal and professional. Facing these truths in an honest, sincere, and self-responsible way, with love and compassion for yourself, can jump-start your journey towards meaningful change, transformation and a heightened sense of well-being.

Connecting to your life force supports well-being

Your life force is an energy. Life force is not a simple, mental construct. Life force is real. Your life force is what provides you with the qualities of, for example, self-love, compassion, forgiveness, strength, courage, will, discipline, steadfastness, stick-to-it-iveness, truth, deep listening, right understanding, right knowing and right action (notwithstanding those who say change is all about willpower. The truth? Willpower is rarely sustainable).

To connect to your life force, it’s important to engage in some type of consistent spiritual practice meditation (sitting or walking), energy work such as yoga, tai chi or martial arts, self-reflection or contemplation, quietude and silence, or journaling. A spiritual practice is not about religion or theology. I know atheists who have a spiritual practice; I know avowed religious folks who don’t. The truth is, touching in on a regular basis to our deeper self, results in experiencing a deeper sense of well-be-ing that supports us in time of challenge and change, and gives us a sense of grounding, peace and well-being with which we approach life and make healthy life choices, decisions and changes.

Living in a real community supports well-being (But be discerning in how and when you choose to get together given these challenging times)

If you find yourself spending more and more time engaged in online social networks, if you live much of your life communing with friends or family, etc. on Zoom, Facebook, Instagram during these times of self-quarantine, home confinement, etc., there’s a better than average chance your real-world social skills may be eroding. You may find yourself turning down more and more invitations to “real” social events or feeling more uncomfortable when you do engage. You may find your social skills when engaging with “real” people are diminishing. You may find yourself “holding up” in your home more and more, venturing outside less and less.

The truth is, a healthy sense of well-be-ing comes from interacting and engaging in community; real, not fake, community. Our personal growth and positive mental, emotional and psychological health and well-be-ing feeds on the nourishment we get from conscious interaction with others, from community. There’s a host of information describing how belonging to a community, a real community, supports us to, for example deal with loneliness, improve our motivation, health, and happiness, feel supported and connected to and with others, and deal with the stress, challenges, struggles and chaos of daily life, not to mention the sense of camaraderie, connection and caring that can result from being in a community. Experiencing community, real community, is one way to develop and sustain a heightened sense of well-being. Again, be discerning, follow CDC guidelines, and the like.

Eating to live; exercising for health, support well-being

Do you eat to live or live to eat? What’s your diet like? Most everyone knows what a healthy diet looks like. The health of our mind-body-spirit unit cannot maintain without a healthy diet. I’ve come across countless folks over the years who exercise to extreme so they can “pig out,” gorge themselves, and eat unhealthily. So, in the morning, for example, they run, go to the gym, or exercise at home so they can dive into unhealthy food and drink at night. Then, its guilt and shame. A self-defeating vicious cycle. So, the next day, extreme exercise and unhealthy eating or drinking a mental, physical, emotional and psychological roller-coaster lifestyle that results in anything but a healthy sense of well-being. Not to mention the emotional inner turmoil that erupts when one skips a day of exercising, but not a day of unhealthy eating or drinking. I’ve seen countless folks come out of the gym still being angry, unhappy and sad even after a “great workout.” They may be in good shape, but many are not in good psycho/emotional/spiritual health.

The truth is that being in good shape, but poor emotional and psychological health, is bound to lead to a life of self-hate, self-loathing, and utter unhappiness and frustration. Asking one’s self, honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly, “Why am I really been dieting and exercising?” can help one move into a diet and exercise lifestyle that promotes healthy well-being physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. Is your regimen of exercising and dieting about truly and really healthy or something else? The “something else” usually leads to consistent emotional upset, frustration and failure.

Conscious intention, commitment and focus support well-being
“One must know oneself; if this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life and there is nothing better.”
–Blaise Pascal

The reality is, without our being “conscious” of who and how we want to be, and why, without being intentional and focused in every moment of change, the forces of old habits and patterns will take over, reducing change to a small idea in a tiny brain molecule magical thinking at best.

Some important questions around change and improved well-being we can ask are:

“Why am I choosing to change?”
“Do I have any hunch or instinct I won’t be able to keep my intention or change?” The truth is many folks want to change to impress or please someone else. If this is the case in your situation, a deeper exploration of what’s underneath your desire to please others is in order.
“Why do I need to please others and have others approval?”
“What does pleasing others get me?”
“Who would I be and how would I feel if I didn’t please others?”
“Do I love myself as I am, right here and right now?”

Understanding “my mind is not me, but mine,” supports well-being
On the other hand, if you’re honestly and sincerely committed and intentional about your choice to change, consistently monitoring your thoughts, and being self-aware, can support you in your change efforts. When you want to run faster, longer, and harder (when you know it leads to injury or burnout), when you want to eat the whole bag of M&Ms (when you know you’ll be upset with yourself afterwards), when you want to have another cigarette/drink (when you know its unhealthy), when you want to spend the extra $100 (when you can’t afford it and it jeopardizes your credit score), monitor your thinking and explore what mental messages your hearing, what your Inner Judge and Critic is saying, what old rationale is arising to trigger your acting in ways that are self-sabotaging, self-limiting and self-defeating.

The truth is, you are in control of your mind, not the other way around. If you stay “awake'” and ask yourself questions like: “Why am I choosing this?” “Is this really supportive of my choice to change?” “Am I choosing to sabotage myself and if so why?,” you’ll come to a deeper understanding of your behaviors that are self-sabotaging and slowly be able to wean yourself away from old patterns and limiting beliefs that keep you from changing. Emotional mastery supports you to be clear about what you’re feeling moment to moment so that you are in control of your life and the master of your own well-being.

Consistency and specifics, not extremes, support well-being
Sustainable change comes with small, incremental steps. The name of the well-be-ing game is consistency moving forward on a conscious and consistent basis, in baby steps. Wanting to create wholesale and quantum change overnight hardly ever works. Burnout and frustration – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological – are often what follow the need to change on a dime. How does a mouse eat a round of cheese? One small bite at a time. Some further suggestions here .

One obstacle that interferes with lasting and sustainable change is having a wrong motive for changing. For example, making the mistake of “moving away” rather than “moving towards.” In other words, focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. The energy of moving toward a goal is more alive, juicy, positive, enthusiastic, exciting and motivating than the energy of moving away which is often heavy, negative, and unpleasant. Here’s a much more thorough exploration of the moving towards vs. moving away principle, with many practical examples.

Another obstacle to creating sustainable change and experiencing well-being, is acting in extremes, and “all-or-none” extreme approach to change, i.e., exercising every day (rather than, for example, starting with three days a week or a half hour at a time), meditating for an hour, rather than starting slowly, reading the whole book, rather than a chapter, etc. The problem here is that our Inner Judge and Critic gets in the way with all the “shoulds” and perfection-based ego-driven excuses that get in the way and, more often than not, doom us to failure. The secret sauce of achievement is to start slow, baby steps, be gentle with ourselves, and move forward incrementally and consistently. Remember, how does a mouse eat a round of cheese? One small bite at a time. It works!

Another strategy that can lead to effective, lasting and sustainable change, is to use the word “choose” instead of want, need or should. Shoulds are burdensome and guilt-making; choosing is freeing. The energy of choosing is self-empowering and gives you ownership. The truth is change is about feeling light and emotionally free, not about feeling needy for security, control or others approval. Consistency allows the brain to create the new neurological pathways that have to be ingrained for new ways of do-ing and be-ing to become habitual. No consistency, no sustainability.  Extremes only lead to failure. More about should and choose here . The author writes from a Christian perspective, but you’ll get the point, whether you are Christian or otherwise.

Self-management, not time management, leads to well-being
“Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you’re one who says your life is out of your control, that you don’t have enough time in your day to get things done, that you find yourself watching way too much TV or hanging out online to an extreme, the truth is that you’re doing a poor job at self-management. Time management is NEVER – ever -about time. Mismanaged time is a symptom; “me” is the problem. When we work on self-management and self-regulation from a conscious, proactive (not reactive), values-driven place, time then ceases to be an issue. How so?

The truth is, our values or lack of them play a large role when making choices as to what to do, how and when, or being clear as to whether we are spending our investing our time, energy and effort. When our choices are based on values that are murky, misguided or nonexistent, our efforts lead to confusion, mistakes, self-defeating multitasking and chaos that comes from juggling too many balls in the air at the same time. With respect to priorities, many folks ask the wrong question, i.e., “What’s next?” instead of the more-important question, “What’s first?” and why. Lack of self-management skills and clear values produce a lack of clarity and direction so everything is next, everything is urgent and important, and we know this perspective often leads to inner turmoil and outer upset and diminished well-being. Time management is, first and foremost, about self-management. So, what are some ways we can focus on better self-management?

Knowing when to say “no” supports well-being
To achieve peace of mind and well-being it’s important to learn how to say no – to yourself and to others who are asking you for something. This is a real discipline. How often do you give up your own aspirations, dreams, goals or tasks because you don’t want to upset someone? Or because you like doing something that is perhaps a distraction. And then you become distracted by all the things you say yes to?

Learn how to have difficult conversations with others so you can say no in a kind, respectful, gentle, compassionate and positive way and still take care of yourself without feeling guilty, ashamed or fearful. Know how to say no to yourself and not feel like you’re denying yourself.

Ask: “If I instinctively want to say no to someone or something, what am I actually saying yes to?” Go deep and connect with your heart. What’s the truth here? Sense into your higher aspiration, your purpose, which will make it much easier for you to learn how to say no.

Having a clear sense of purpose supports well-being

We want to be productive, effective and successful. But, many of us find it hard because we always feel we have too much to do. When you have a clear sense of purpose, when you’re clear about why you’re on the planet, it’s empowering because you’re clear about what you want from life. Many of us are confused about this. Purpose is your guideline, your beacon, as to your choices and decisions e.g., what party to go to, what to read, watch. You become clear as to how you move forward how to invest your time and energy. Purpose supports you to clear out the clutter, simplify your life and create a heightened sense of well-being. 

Purpose is empowering because it helps clarify our life choices and decisions, what we want from life, the path forward, how to simplify our life and how to invest our time, effort and energy which has a return on investment, as opposed to “spending” time, energy and effort which has no valuable return.  

Support leads to a greater sense of well-being
I know of very few people who have been able to make honest and lasting change by themselves. Very few. Most folks who succeed with change have a support system of one kind or another. A support system helps us overcome the immune system many of us have towards change. The truth is going it alone hardly ever produces real and lasting change. Who is your support? Are they nonjudgmental? Are they affirming? Do you feel safe talking about your life with them? Do they help you gain clarity?

Find a professional coach or other professional support person to help you clarify your goals, the “why” of your life.  Working with this support, be guided by your purpose in your choices and decisions as to how you invest your time, energy and effort.

Living with awareness creates well-being
“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves into crustal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

When we are in touch with our deeper Inner Self, we become free(er) and this sense of freedom helps us make those change that bring lightness within, and a heightened sense of well-being. Awareness supports us to become more center-focused and allows us to discern (as opposed to judging) what serves us from what does not, what needs to change and what doesn’t.

The one major element that we can truly control in our life is self-awareness, the awareness that says “I’m the master of my life,” the awareness that brings meaning and purpose to our journey on the planet, the awareness that supports us to move forward along the right path. The truth is, without self-awareness, chaos rules our lives and with chaos comes unhappiness, unfulfilled dreams and unmet goals, finger-pointing, blaming, confusion, overwhelm and stress.

So, what’s the truth about you and your life? What’s the truth about the stories you tell yourself about why change is so hard and frustrating? What’s the truth about your definition of “insanity?”

Finally,

Most people are free-falling through their lives, ping-ponging from one crisis to the next. Living in this type of spiral or chaos leaves no room for conscious living.

The real truth about lasting change and transformation, and a true and real sense of well-being, is that true change, transformation and sense of well-be-ing comes with self-awareness and a healthy integration of body, mind, and spirit. Change is a reality that can happen in every moment of our lives, every moment of every life but only if we are aware of it and see the truth of “who I am” and “how I am” as I live my life.

In essence, experiencing a true sense and real sense of well-being comes when we know the truth about how we live our life, and why.  As Galileo said, “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

So the question we want to ask, moving forward, “If I truly want to experience a heightened sense of well-being in 2023, and I’m not, what’s getting in the way – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically?” What’s the truth?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who are you (can you describe this without defining yourself by what you “do”)?
• How do you feel when you define yourself?
• What do you want?
• Why do you think you’re on the planet
• How do you feel when you define what you want?
• Where are you in your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship and, why are you there?
• How do you feel when you describe where you are and why you’re there?
• Who are your allies in life?
• What are the “truths” about you and your life?
• How do you feel when you speak the truth of your life?
• Do you have a spiritual practice?
• Are you drowning in distractions of one kind or another? How so?
• Is time your friend or enemy? Why?
• At which end of the rubber band do you live most of your life? Why?
• Is your social community more real or virtual?
• Are you optimistic or pessimistic about your life in 2023? Why?
• You feel you’re in control of your emotional life? Why or why not?
• On a scale of 1-10, where are you when it comes to experiencing a real sense of well-be-ing?
• Can you visualize a world where you are moving effortlessly and consistently toward personal change and transformation?

———-

(c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

One Down* – Two to Go**

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Three products to support mental, physical and emotional well-being

*     – Thanksgiving
**   – Christmas (and other seasonal celebrations) and New Year’s

The holiday season is often difficult to navigate – mentally, physically and emotionally. The frivolity, laughter, glitter and shine often turn to blue. For many, the holiday season is a season of darkness, not light, facing the challenges of resentment, jealousy, guilt, shame, quiet or overt anger, sadness, stress, loneliness, and unfulfilled longings – a time to get through, rather than truly enjoy.

Successfully meeting these challenges can be likened to the way white-water rafters approach their task. Beginners watch for the craggy rocks, the problems to avoid, the risks to circumvent, usually ending their runs feeling emotionally and physically drained. Experts focus on the flow line where the currents safely guide them through the roughest areas with a minimum of mental and emotional stress, ending their runs on a high, with energy to spare.

So, I’d like to share some perspectives and strategies to support you to create a nurturing holiday experience resulting in peace in body, mind, and spirit and a heightened sense of well-being.

Body:

Fall and winter are Nature’s time for hibernation -being quiet and lying dormant. The tendency to live frenetically – shopping, partying, and going at ninety miles an hour, is unnatural. The physical stress alone can affect your immune system, resulting in energy depletion, lethargy, and illness. It’s important to take time to relax and reduce stress, to maintain consistent harmony and balance. Some suggestions:

Your body monitors how you’re doing. So, notice levels of tension and/or fatigue. With a cupped hand, lightly tap your arms and neck, and other areas to relieve stress and to increase energy flow and vitality. Is your breathing deep and relaxed, or shallow and quick? Remember always to breathe deeply, especially when facing stressful circumstances.

Nurture yourself. Take time for reflection and being alone. Go to a movie, take a hot, soothing bath, treat yourself to a massage, cuddle up and enjoy your favorite music, take a quiet walk. And, breathe. Release the tether to your electronic devices.

The holiday season is defined by social gatherings and often the focus of such gatherings is food. People often overeat (often emotionally-driven) during the holidays, and then experience guilt or shame. In addition to the usual tips of eating before you go to a social gathering to avoid starving when you get there, and socializing away from the food center of gravity, you might:

Design a conscious eating strategy so you don’t fall prey to unconscious patterns of medicating with food and drink. Savor the tastes, the pleasure of the aromas, flavors, and textures of seasonal treats. Don’t beat yourself up or deny the pleasure. Harmony and balance are the keys. Plan your daily intake of calories, so you have room to indulge and still experience well-being, rather than indulge and feel badly both physically and emotionally. And, breathe.

Stress is a major excuse for eating. Reflect on what’s stressing you and reflect on how you can reduce or eliminate stressors, over and above eating or drinking. And, breathe.

Maintain a consistent exercise regimen to alleviate guilt about overindulging. Your body needs to move to feel well. So put on some music and dance, or shake out tensions and stresses so you don’t become stuck in a holiday funk. And, breathe.

Mind:

During the holidays our internal judge and critic bombard us with how we should act and behave. Listening to this onslaught of “I should” is enough to drive one to Grinch-dom. I must get the right gift. I should go to that party I must eat less. I have to send a card. I need (or don’t) to say what’s on my mind. I need to make this the best holiday ever. I should exercise more. I need to meet someone else’s expectations of me. I should be more joyful, sincere, outgoing, religious, appreciative, generous, peaceful, etc.

In family gatherings; you may feel a need to debate issues, feelings, or past memories. Instead, initiate a truce. Place resentments and grievances on the back burner. You can address them after the holidays with greater thoughtfulness and clarity when extra seasonal stresses won’t affect you.

So, beware of the “shoulds.” Rather than beat yourself up whenever your inner judge tugs on your sleeve, just allow yourself to witness and observe the “should.” Then, breathe deeply into your belly a few times and move on. Experiencing guilt indicates you’re allowing your inner judge to grab you and hold you up to some imagined or impossible holiday ideal. Let go. And, breathe.

The focus during the holidays, and all days, is being authentic, allowing your integrity to shine, to be yourself, and not struggle to meet either someone else’s expectations or some ideal you have of yourself that is impossible to meet. This is a good opportunity to practice the Four Ls of well-being: lighten up on yourself, laugh at yourself, love yourself, and leave yourself alone. You can defend against your internal critic and judge by telling it to back off, using whatever silent or oral language works for you.

You may overeat, or over drink, to take care of and nurture yourself, perhaps to find sweetness and comfort from food where you cannot find sweetness elsewhere, perhaps to distract yourself from boring people or events, or to deny what you’re feeling. So, be aware of what’s eating you and reflect on whether food or drink are the only alternatives. And, of course, breathe.

Spirit:

No one consciously wakes up and says: I’m going to be a jerk today. The opposite is normally true – almost everyone is trying to do their best and, in their own mind, operate from positive intention. So, when it’s easy to become stressed and react to what we perceive as others’ rudeness, insensitivity, or stupidity, take nothing personally. Use these opportunities for your spirit to come through, be accepting of others, give others the benefit of the doubt and look for the noble humanity in others. For example:

When a shopper inadvertently bumps into you or cuts in line;
When a driver cuts you off;
When someone inadvertently says something you take to be critical or demeaning;
When a family member brings up an embarrassing or unpleasant past event in your life;
When a retail/service person doesn’t meet your expectations for quality service;
When someone forgets to thank you for your gift;
When your family doesn’t decorate the house, or prepare food, exactly as you would;
When the priest, minister or rabbi offers a sermon you feel you could have given better.

Be appreciative and grateful for all you have, come from your heart, not your mind, focus on what you love and what truly gives meaning to you, and on what this season means to you – whether its family, community, or religion. Stressful events present opportunities to be bold and brave, allowing your light and joy to shine, no matter what anyone else is doing. Wherever you are, wherever you go, know that you are a blessing! And, breathe!

And if in doing your best to take care of yourself, you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. Speak with a counselor, therapist, a coach, trusted friend or minister. Folks in the helping professions are aware of, and sympathetic to, the pain which people experience at this time. Yes, this too shall pass, but if you find yourself swept up in the blues of your holiday, it will pass more quickly if you seek support.

So, gift yourself and use this time to practice following your own flow line as you navigate the white waters of this holiday season.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you find yourself getting sick during the holidays? (Note: the main cause is a weak immune system. Another major factor is the stress of dealing with our families.)
• What stresses you during the holidays?
• Are you attached to how folks react to the gifts you give them? If so, why?
• Do you tend to overeat or over-do during the holidays? If so, do you ever consider if you overeat or over-engage in too much activity to fill some type of emotional hole?
• Are you really, really happy during the holidays? How can you tell?
• Do you take time for, and care of, yourself during the holidays? If not, why not?
• What are you doing differently this year to reduce stress during the holidays?
• Who’s driving your holiday activities? You, your friends, your family, others? If it’s not you, why not? How do you feel about having others dictate how you spend your holiday time?
• What were the holidays like for you when you were growing up?
• —————————————————–
  (c) 2022, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.
Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering