How authentic are you — really?

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Why is it so challenging to show up authentically, as we really are? Why do we hide behind masks, personas and appear fake and phony so much of the time?

Everyone is born authentic. The human condition, i.e., life, often requires many folks to separate from their innate, authentic, natural and spontaneous self – beginning in childhood and moving through adolescence and into adulthood. So, “Who am I, really?” becomes a meaningful and purposeful question.

Many of us don one mask or personality when we’re alone and other masks in the various groups, settings, events and circumstances we encounter along life’s path – at work, at play, at home, and in our relationships. We often become confused souls. Role-playing is stressful and exhausting on many levels – mental, physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.  The truth is, many of us don’t really know who we really are.

Everyone experiences insecurity – everyone. It’s part of the human condition. Growing up, learning how to please mommy and daddy or primary caregivers, to get their love, approval, and acceptance is not an innate capacity. It’s learned behavior. We’re taught how to act and not act; be one way and not another; speak one way and not another; think one way and not another, feel one way and not another, etc.. When we behaved in ways we, but not our parents or primary caregivers, felt were OK, we were punished or rejected, even abused, in some way – verbally, emotionally or sometimes physically.

So, as we grew, matured and ventured into the world, we weren’t always sure how to be, or what to say, or how to feel to gain the acceptance, approval and acknowledgement of others. Instead of being our natural and authentic self, we began to play out some ideal or image of who and how we thought we should be – images we learned at home – which would help us feel safe and secure.

This initial, internalized inner insecurity around adhering to the way our parents or primary caregivers wanted us to be (do, think, feel…) – their wishes and demands – led many of to grow up as actors “trying to appear as our selves,” rather than just “be myself.” This constant efforting to “play a role,” or live up to an “image,” leads to self-deceit and being inauthentic. Ironically, as adults, many folks invest huge amounts of time, money, effort and energy searching for who they really are, often to no avail.

Many folks thus are (consciously or unconsciously) obsessed over how they appear to others, jumping through hoops to gain others’ approval, acknowledgement and recognition. They do, “what I have to do” – which most often means showing up as a fake and phony, role-playing the images they “imprinted” or “hard-wired” into their brains early on.

What is it that gets in the way of being authentic? The greatest obstacle is identifying with the self-images we have taken on as a result of early interactions with parents or primary caregivers, extended family, friends, school-mates, teachers, clergy, etc. – “images” we take ourselves to be.  Being authentic morphs into living a life of “mistaken identity.”

So, here’s an exercise to explore this dynamic. Suppose you had a gallery where 15 portraits of you are displayed. Under each is a blank label. Your task is to write on that label descriptor you believe depicts you (e.g., superwoman, superman, best mother, excellent leader/manager, smart and well educated, life of the party, great lover, spiritual, wealthy, etc.) And, take your time.

There’s a fair to good chance most of these labels/descriptors represent self-images you created early on – not from a place of authenticity, or natural-ness, but out of the need to identify as “someone,” an imposter, to gain others’ acceptance and approval. Unfortunately, when you expressed your true self, your authenticity, there were often times you did not sync up with your parents’ or primary caregivers’ expectations of who you should and should not be, and were denied love and acceptance. Your solution? Jettison your true and real self and role-play the child your parents wanted you to be, to feel safe and secure, i.e., loved.

So, early on, we became actors and, absent the conscious, deeper-level work of self-awareness, personal growth, or the psycho-emotional work of emotional mastery, we remain actors to this day. The downside is that if we forget our role, “our lines,” we think we will lose out on the accolades, recognition, and approval of others.  Many of us feel we have to be “on” 24/7, 365 and have become conditioned to obsess with our self-image, ending up being someone we’re not. Our fear of rejection is just too great for many of us to bear. So, we resist showing up as our authentic self, for fear of not being “seen” or “heard.” We fear being “invisible.”

When we let go of our “mental” self-images, do the “inner personal work” to re-discover our True and Real Self, and allow our real self to arise, we can be authentic, natural and spontaneous.

Some of us are unable or unwilling to do this deeper exploration, to look at the “psycho-spiritual” truth of who we are. We choose to wear masks and don personas that obscure our authenticity, natural and spontaneous expression.

When we separate from our authentic self, this disconnect manifests largely as our ego personality which is constantly experiencing states of low self-esteem, low self-value and low self-worth which we then try to recover “outside” ourselves – the progressive drug of fakery and phoniness.

One of the reasons honest, safe, trusting and conscious relationships are so challenging – at work, at home and at play – is because many folks are living this “image of mistaken identity” of themselves and can not or will not show up as real and authentic. For them, living the “ideal” is impossible.

What is possible, however, is living a life from a place of authenticity, and allowing others to be authentic with us as well.

What would that take?

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Who are you – really? Would others agree with you?
• Do you play roles and wear masks in certain circumstances or with certain individuals? How so?
• Have you ever been judged – directly or indirectly – as being a fake or phony? How did that feel?
• Do you tend to judge others as fake or phony? How so?
• When are you at your authentic best? What’s that like to be/act that way?
• How did you learn roles, and create images about your self, as you were growing up? Which roles, specifically?
• What would it be like if you were authentic all  the time? How so?
• Do you ever feel shame or guilt because you can’t or won’t be yourself? How does that affect you?
• Are you ever curious about your motives, values and intentions?
• Do you ever give up parts of your self in order to “fit in?” How so?
• Are you often driven by internal “shoulds?”
• To what degree do you fear rejection?
• Are you aware of a lonely, frightened part of yourself? How do you experience that awareness? What do you do with that awareness?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Whose mind is it anyway?

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Just launched – three exciting new products

“Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.” – James Allen

Developmental psychologists tell us children, progressing through various stages from prenatal to age about nine, discover (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically – depending on the stage they’re in): (1) whether or not it’s safe for them to be here; (2) whether or not it’s ok to make their needs known; (3) whether or not it’s safe for them to explore and try new things; (4) whether or not to trust what they’re learning; (5) whether it’s ok to learn to think for one’s self; (6) whether or not it’s ok for them to be “who I am,” to find out who others are and to learn the consequences for their behavior; and (7) how to build an internal structure that supports them, and to develop the competence to master the technical and social skills needed to live in their culture.

Our psychological and emotional orientation to our world, then, is pretty much in place by the time we are nine or ten. In fact, many psychologists say our emotional and psychological make-up is set by the time we are six.

Consider:

So, as a “physical-age, that is, chronological, adult,” the question is: “When I’m being emotionally reactive to my life, who is it who’s responding and reacting?

There are two choices: (1) my 3-4-5-6 child-ish self  or (2) my emotionally and spiritually mature-adult self.

The answer for 98% percent of the population (though they may disagree) is (1).

Generally, developmental psychologists largely agree that many “adults” – emotionally – are actually 3-4-5-6-year-olds, in adult bodies, wearing adult clothes and that while people, places, events and circumstances change from age six well through adulthood, our psychological and emotional orientation and reaction to them is often still that of a 3-4-5-6-year-old.

Whose mind is it anyway?
Let’s use the metaphor of a motherboard, or a systems board – the piece of electronic equipment that
“thinks” or “drives” the behavior of a computer or electronic device – and let’s allow this motherboard to represent our brain or mind.

A motherboard is not flat nor smooth; rather, items are attached to it – nodes, diodes, small metal, plastic or rubber-wrapped items. These various structures contain all the programming, databases and commands that allow the computer or electronic device to function –  i.e., react, to events, circumstances, etc.

During the stages between pre-birth to about the age of six, we take on our “programming” – e.g., our emotions, feelings, ways of believing about, thinking about, and reacting to our world and the people in it, ways of negotiating our world that keep us safe and secure, ways or behaving that initially bring us love, acceptance and approval from our primary caregivers and then other authority figures (e.g., extended family and friends, teachers, clergy and the like).

So, now as an “adult,” you – i.e., your motherboard – possesses a database of thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, emotions, feelings, worldviews, assumptions, perceptions, understandings, expectations, inferences, biases and values – of a young child, i.e., your younger you.

So, is your present emotional reactivity to your world a function of your “adult” you, or your “little boy/girl” you?

The next time you become reactive (i.e., fearful, angry, rageful, jealous, resentful, confused, lost, apprehensive, and the like) about some aspect of your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – ask yourself these questions:

What am I feeling right now?
How old do I feel (emotionally, not chronologically)?

(NOTE! – It’s important to actually name the emotion (see links above). If you are prone to say how you’re feeling by saying something like, ” I feel that…,” “I feel like…,” or “I think that…,” and follow it with some type of statement, you are NOT expressing an emotion…you are expressing a thought, or a belief, or a conviction or some such, but you are NOT expressing an emotion. Our airways, offices, social gatherings…are full of folks who constantly say, “I feel,” but what follows is anything but a feeling. A belief or thought is not a feeling  – ever; it may and often does trigger a feeling but, in itself, is not a feeling – ever.  Every emotion has a corresponding physiological sensation in the body – thus, the list of physiological sensations. HINT – if you’re ever curious about how you are really feeling, sense into your body, (instead of thinking about it or tying to ‘figure it out.” Your body is your best barometer of what is actually going on in your – emotional- life).

The emotionally immature adult thinks and reacts with the mind of the 3-4-5-6-year-old. The emotionally immature, child-ish, adult often is experienced as: acting out, throwing tantrums, being overbearing, micromanaging, fearful, scared, needy, controlling, disrespectful, angry, resentful, pushy, bullying,  judgmental, critical, jealous, envious, abusive, shut down, withdrawn, dishonest, insincere, defensive, argumentative, grandiose, and  focused on the self and ego.

How does this happen?
When we experience consistently loving, caring, and emotionally nurturing parents, we are more likely to create strong, positive ways of doing and being in the world. In reality, such consistent behavior comes from few dedicated, focused, mature, healthy parents whose parenting efforts were continuous. Few “emotionally conscious” folks were raised in such families. Few of us had our social/emotional/psychological needs met adequately. The result is that uneven parenting produces children who were neglected – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and/or psychologically. Many children were not raised to develop strong centers – the result is some flavor of emotional immaturity or child-ish-ness.

“Child-like” behavior – Growing up again
For most folks, the path from “child-ish”-ness to emotional and spiritual maturity – becoming an “adult” adult – requires some type of process – i.e., developmental  “work” – which support us to “grow up again.” This process (it is a process, not an event) supports one to come into their own True, Real and Authentic Self in their life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. The process of growing up again supports one to access their True and Real Self – the Self that was ignored during childhood.

What does a mature, “child-like” (as opposed to child-ish) adult look like?
Presence, mindfulness, emotional mastery and “process” work for the adult usually focuses on awareness of our past programming and how that programming adversely affects our present state. These types of “work” also teach us to be with what is, right here and right now – with a focus on “my self” in the moment, unencumbered by past emotional and mental baggage we have carried through life. These types of “work” also focus on the heart – where our True and Real Self abides. The idea is to be in the moment, not in the past – and walk through life  with a smooth, clean motherboard.

Eckert Tolle in his work around presence (the Now), Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his work around flow, Buddhist practices around meditation and achieving a state of “no mind,” or other spiritual traditions that focus on a still point, are meant to support us to experience life right here and right now from a place where we are real and authentic in the moment – unencumbered by “our motherboard” – i.e., our past programming.

From a place of presence, no one owns any real estate on your motherboard. It’s smooth and flat. In fact, we don’t really need a motherboard because our heart and soul are driving. We are connected to our True Self – a singular node or diode – our Center or Core – our True and Real “ME”- that informs us of “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right action” – all from the “inside.”

Presence draws on our heart and soul’s capacities, resources and qualities, allowing us to experience true emotional and spiritual maturity and a “child-like” (vs. child-ish) state.

Presence deletes our “little child” programming – which often creates states of feeling: lost, angry, abandoned, confused, unloved, etc. In a state of presence, we access “no mind” – and we resource what our heart and soul give us in this moment. Presence results in a True and Authentic Self who is: loving, compassionate, lively, nurturing, excited, firm, fair, helpful, juicy, respectful, adventurous, self-responsible, curious, non-judgmental, wondering, joyful, honest, sincere, happy, allowing and accepting.

So, the next time you’re feeling triggered, or reactive, consider what it would be like if you didn’t react from that place of your little boy or girl. What might the “mature adult” you feel like, look like, sound like and be like?

Some questions for self-reflection: 

• What are some of your strongest beliefs about money, career, friends, family, appearance, health, and relationships? Are these your beliefs? Do they help you experience fulfillment and well-being?
• Are you open to viewpoints different from yours?
• When your internal judge and critic judges you harshly, whose voice do you most often hear (primary caregiver, other)?
• Were you encouraged to be curious, “think for yourself,” be spontaneous and display your emotions (whatever they were, but knowing there would be consequences for acting out) as a child?
• Did you experience emotional neglect as a child? How so? How does it show up in your adult life?
• How and when do you experience, “presence,” “flow,” a state of “no mind…?”
• Are there ways you detached or de-programmed yourself from early childhood beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, etc. that you took on early on and discovered to be more self-limiting or self-sabotaging as you moved through adolescence or adulthood?  How so?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Questions for Self-Reflection

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“A prudent question is one-half of wisdom.” –  Francis Bacon

From time to time I receive feedback on my “food for thought” readings – the feedback usually in response to the reading itself, but, not always. Sometimes, folks respond to the list of “questions for self-reflection” following the reading. These latter comments can take the tone of: “interesting,” “different,” “provocative” and the like. However, from time to time, someone comments that the questions make them feel uncomfortable. It’s to these commenters that I reply, “interesting.” Why?

Fundamentally, no true and real growth, change or lasting transformation can take place while one is in their comfort zone. For true and real change to happen, one needs to experience discomfort in some way, shape or form –  a discomfort that awakens them to an “Oh, this is me and I never saw or felt that part of my self before”-type of experience – an AHA moment, an intuition, a “seeing, ” knowing or discovery. And, the process of seeing, knowing and discovering can often be uncomfortable, even painful (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and/or spiritually). In fact, real change does not usually arise without some discomfort.

The beauty of self-reflective questions is they draw us out – me, included – and support us to go deeper and deeper inside (if we choose) to see what our truth is below the surface – and it’s not always a pretty sight. Self-reflective questions introduce us to the parts of us that are unfamiliar – parts that live in our subconscious and in our intuitive self – parts that need to be seen, acknowledged and explored if we choose to experience true and real change and transformation.

I came across a book that blew me away – a book with questions. It’s called If – Questions for the Game of Life and is authored by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell. (I have no connection with these folks in any way.)  The four volumes contain hundreds of tantalizing and provocative questions that make you think.

So this week, rather and my usual reading and my “questions for self-reflection,” I want to offer you 20 self-reflection questions from their books. See where they take you, and enjoy the journey.

(Hint: once your initial, perhaps even knee-jerk, response comes up, consider taking some additional time- self-reflection time – to see if that’s really, really your final answer, i.e, the truth). Maybe ask and answer the question ten to fifteen times  (an exercise called a “repeating question”) to delve deeply into your subconscious. and uncover the real “truth.”

Here goes:

1.If you found out for certain there was a Heaven and a Hell, how would you change your life?

2.If you had to name the one most important ingredient of human beauty, what would you say it is?

3.If you could rid your family of one thing, what would you choose?

4.If you were to prescribe a cure for grief, what would it entail?

5.If you were to select a moment when you were convinced an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?

6.If you could have had one person in your life be more candid with you than they were (or are) who would it be?

7.If you were going to die in ten minutes and could confess only one thing in order to pass with peace of mind, what would you say?

8.If you could change one thing about the way you were disciplined as a child, what would you alter?

9.If you had to eliminate one emotion from your life, which would it be?

10.If you could stop loving someone, who would it be?

11.In retrospect, if you cold have been nicer to one person in your life, who would it be?

12.If you could free yourself from one burden in your life, what would it be?

13.If you had to name the single most important thing in your life, what would it be?

14.If God were to whisper one thing in your ear, what would you like Him/Her to say?

15. If you could tell your mother or father one thing that you haven’t, what would it be?

16.If you could have your spouse(partner) say one thing about you to friends, what would you want him or her to say?

17.If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be?

18.If you could go back in time and undo one injury you inflicted on someone else, what would it be?

19. If you could change one thing about your marriage (relationship), what would you alter?

20.If you could be emotionally closer to one member of your family, who would it be?

“We accept many notions because they seem to be the logical answers to our questions. But have we asked the right questions?” – Harold L. Klawans

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Heaven and Hell At Work

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One night, a man (generic) had a dream, and in the dream an angel comes and takes him on a tour of heaven and hell. They visit hell first. It turns out that hell, surprisingly enough, is a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink one could possibly want. The people at the tables, however, are angry, frustrated, rude, despairing, depressed, stressed, thin, emaciated and wasting away. The silverware in hell is about four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. Thus, all these folks, who are interested only in feeding themselves, are unable to do so, are unable to manage a four-foot utensil in such a way they can bring the other end to their own mouth.

They leave hell and then go to visit heaven.

It turns out that heaven, surprisingly enough, is also a huge banquet room, with tables full of all the food and drink you could possibly want. The folks in heaven are joyful, happy, content, engaged, and manifest a healthy sense of well-being. The silverware is exactly the same as in hell, four feet long and can only be picked up at one end. The difference? Here, in heaven, the people are reaching across the table and feeding each other.  (Attributed to  Rabbi Haim, of Romshishok, Lithuania

In every conscious, healthy social system, in every work environment, everyone, yes, everyone, makes a contribution – overtly or covertly, actively or passively, consciously or unconsciously and, most importantly, for the “good of the order” or, conversely, for the “ill of the organization” – but everyone, i.e., you, contributes one way or another.

Your beliefs about yourself and your colleagues, about work and how you see others, contribute to whether you are creating heaven or hell in your life in some way, shape or form.

How do you experience life in your organization (or, in your family or relationship)?

Who are you feeding?

Is your life at work centered on feeding your self?

Consider:

Is your life at work “all about me?”  Is “What’s in it for me?” your MO, your mantra when you relate to others?
Are you a bully, gossiper or blamer? Do coercion, dominance, power or control characterize your leadership or management style?
Are folks expendable in a “take no prisoners” approach to project management or meeting deadlines? Do you hoard information?
Are you negatively critical of others’ behaviors?
Are your motives based solely on promotions, raises, corner offices and bonuses?
Do you sacrifice integrity, trust, ethics or morals to garner money or prestige?
Do you show favoritism? Do you see others as “stupid?” Do you ignore others’ requests, emails, and questions?
Do you shun accountability for your actions and behaviors? Do you focus only on your own immediate tasks and responsibilities? Do you avoid conflict?
Do you exhibit bias or prejudice? Are you disrespectful or uncooperative?
Do you have hidden agendas?
Do you make more statements than ask questions? Do you engage in irrational or argumentative thinking or emotional reactivity?
Are you inflexible, selfish, arrogant or egotistical?

Or, perhaps your life at work is centered on feeding others?

Consider:

Do you encourage and inspire your colleagues?
Do you live in integrity and authenticity? Do folks experience you as decent, honest, respectful and trustworthy?
Do you assume accountability for your actions and mistakes?
Do you think more about supporting others than about what’s wrong with others? Do you feel everyone has a right to a seat at the table?
Are listening and coaching hallmarks of your leadership or management style? Do you show confidence in your direct reports? Do you exhibit empathy and concern for others’ well-be-ing?
Are you energetic, upbeat, enthusiastic and optimistic?
Do you encourage others to experience work-life balance? Are you self-aware and master of your emotions? Do you take time for self-reflection and encourage others to do so as well?
Do you lead and manage with your heart as well as your head? Do you exude self-confidence? Do you live your organization’s values? Do you encourage others to contribute their thoughts, ideas and wisdom?
Do you treat others like adults?
Do you engage in open and honest communication, and give honest and timely feedback? Do you praise in public and deal privately with problems? Are you fair in your dealings with others?
Do you act as a facilitator and guide? Are you an advocate for others? Are you humble? Do you make an effort to understand before being understood? Are you comfortable with conflict?
Are you aware of your own limitations? Do you understand the challenges folks are facing and what frustrates them?
Do you encourage collaboration and information sharing? Do you point out folks’ strengths?
Do you honor your commitments and keep your promises?

Cooperation, collaboration, caring, concern, and compassion are the qualities and capacities that allow one to “reach across the table” and serve and support another for the good of the order.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of hell in your workplace?  If so, what story or stories do you make up to rationalize/justify your attitudes and actions to allow this to happen?
• Are you contributing to your own or your colleagues’ experience of heaven in your workplace? What attitudes and actions support your contribution?
• How might your colleagues answer these two questions regarding you, your attitudes and behavior? Honestly.
• How about life outside of work  – at home, at play and in relationships – who’s feeding whom? How so?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

What Does It Mean to be Soulful or Spiritual?

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I’m often asked what I mean when I refer to spirituality in the context of life at work, at home, at play or in relationship.

As an overview, I want to make a distinction between “knowing that and “knowing how…”

Knowing that – refers to spiritual programs, practices, schools, concepts, theories, tools, techniques and the like which one grasps mentally, intellectually and cognitively.

Knowing how – refers to the actual observable and  measurable manifestation of information that one has grasped cognitively – actual do-ing and be-ing spiritual or soulful.

For me, being spiritual and soulful has nothing to do with “knowing that” at the 50,000 foot level but in “knowing how” at 9 o’clock on Monday morning – how one actually shows up as one who has integrated, internalized and processed what they have studied, what they have learned, etc.

Here’s what I mean.

For me, spiritual describes the Essential, Innate Force or Energy that lives inside every human being. Being spiritual means living one’s life according to a deeper meaning that results from a lifelong practice of self-reflection, inquiry and exploration.

Soulful Moments
No one I personally know lives life spiritually 24/7/365.  However, many spiritual folks experience moments of joy, communion, connection, love, compassion, gratitude, silence and the like wherein they “transcend” their ego-personality self.

In this spiritual place, these folks experience a kind of “knowing,” a kind of “connection” to the whole of the Universe where they access a “wisdom,” where they really “see” or experience life from this larger dimension or perspective – where all the ego-based “masks” and false personas and appearances melt away.

These moments are not “mental.” These moments are more like being “in the zone,” or in a state of “presence,” where we know how to do, be and have but not from a “mind”-directed perspective. In this place, we are “out of our mind.”

Spirituality in the ‘Real World”
Experiencing spirituality in the real world – at 9:00 Monday morning – means treating others with dignity and respect, kindness, and compassion. It means we respect the world and all that the world contains – its abundance of plant and animal life – by not polluting, destroying, or degrading the flora or fauna of the planet by our everyday decisions about how we live and work. Spirituality means telling the truth, being self-responsible, accountable, forthright and in integrity with all those with whom we deal – at work, at home, at play and in our relationships – acting with full disclosure, transparency and honesty.

Spiritual means coming from a place of balance and harmony – an equilibrium or alignment between what we think, feel, say and do. And taking an Inner Approach to prioritizing our life – work life, family life, personal life – in the pursuit of activities that nourish and enrich every aspect of our life. That we choose, honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly to focus on the well-being of our mind, body and spirit.

Spirituality means we choose to live life as a steward of the planet, that we come from a place of “we,” not “me,” and continually reflect, and then act upon, what “we” want and need, how “we” want to be acknowledged and appreciated, and how “we” can contribute to the well-being of all of us. As a steward, we explore how we can make a difference for the greater good, and how we serve to enhance the well-being of others.

Passion and Purpose
Passion and purpose are hallmarks of soulfulness – our heart drives and gives us direction. When we live from a heart-based place, then we are up-front, honest, sincere and in integrity at work, at home, at play and in our relationships – no dishonesty, shortcuts, collusion, deception, co-dependency or underhandedness. We live from a place of joy, enthusiasm, appreciation, collaboration and community.

Ingenuity, inventiveness, imagination, discovery, creativity and innovation are soulful and spiritual drivers. We look for new ways of do-ing and be-ing. We exude boldness and initiative. We are open to new ideas and are continuous learners in all of life. Continued self-awareness is paramount.

Finally, soulfulness and spirituality are about being conscious –  in our thoughts, words, and deeds. We seek an ever growing awareness of our motives and values our “why” that informs our “who.” We are intentional in every moment. We see the “truth” of what is happening and know the difference between the “truth” and our projections, fantasies and “stories” that we make believe are the truth. Consciousness is the lifelong process of increasing self-awareness about “who I am,” “how I am” and “what I’m here to do with my life” – ever seeking to bring our unconscious self to conscious awareness.

My take is that our life at work, at home, at play and in our relationships is more honestly served, and truly rewarding, when we focus on ethics, values, motives, integrity and principles that emanate from this place of soul or spirit.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you consider yourself a spiritual person? If so, how does your spirituality play out in your life at work, at home, at play and in your relationship?
• Do you ever feel you want to make a difference? What would that difference look like, feel like and sound like?
• Do you feel your self-worth is defined by your net worth?
• What do you feel the planet demands of you?
• Are you a change-maker? How so?
• How do you nurture your mind, body and spirit?
• Does your life reflect harmony? How so?
• What do you not know about yourself? Are you curious about what you don’t know about yourself? Do you feel a kind of discomfort or anxiety when it comes to what you don’t know about yourself? How so?
• Do you ever reflect on your spiritual nature?
• What is necessary for your spiritual growth and development?
• Do you ever feel guilty you’re not doing the things necessary for your spiritual growth?
• How much time do you spend in self-reflection?
• What was your experience around spirituality (i.e, not religion or theology) like when you were growing up?
• Can you envision a world where folks’ motives and intentions are spiritually-based?

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(c) 2020, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

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