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Monthly Archives: May 2017

When Someone Hits a Raw Nerve

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

ouch

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

We all know the feeling. You’re in the middle of a conversation – pleasant, collegial, or perhaps serious, but respectful – when all of a sudden, it goes south. Someone hit a nerve.

Everyone has these experiences where, when a nerve is touched, a reaction is triggered. We become vulnerable.

Most of the time, these experiences are not overly sensitive. Even though we do react when triggered, our reaction is but fleeting. But we all have at least one or two places where the rawness is a 10 on a scale of 1-10. OUCH!

Why the ouch?
Psycho-emotionally, our reactivity is most often due to our feeling of being ignored (abandoned, unseen, unheard, dismissed and the like) in some way, shape or form. This reactivity is based on some experience in our past and this earlier “wounding” now leaks out (the OUCH!) when someone in our present life touches that same nerve.

It might be that your boss ignores you when you’re speaking and want their attention. Or someone chooses to check their phone in the midst of the conversation. Or your partner doesn’t compliment you on the good job you did. Your reaction in these situations is directly related to those times you were ignored or dismissed as a young child and these sensitivities leak out whenever we feel unseen, unheard and unsupported.

What’s interesting, and important, is many of us have become numb to the raw spots we have. What we are aware of more commonly is our reactivity — our shutting down, lashing out, moving away (emotionally, verbally or literally) sadness, or fear.

So we’re all walking around with raw nerves and we engage in this dynamic of rubbing up against one other’s raw spots — unintentionally and unaware, triggering one another over and over with these destructive interpersonal dynamics.

What’s really happening?
When one hits another’s raw nerve, or feels the sting of one’s own nerve being rubbed against, there is a palpable change in “energy.” One or both go “cold,” or shut down in some way. And, one or the other’s reaction is way out of proportion. One may know what just happened and the other hasn’t a clue. “Where did that come from?!” “What just happened here?” we ask, openly or silently. What’s happening is that needs are being ignored and anger and/or fear take over.

The process, which takes place in the blink of an eye, goes like this:

1. We’re triggered by a word, glance, tone of voice, or a new/different emotional tone, etc., which takes over and says, “watch out!”;

2. We have a “somatic” response — feeling of nausea, dizziness, tenseness, tightness, heat or cold, increased heart rate, shallow breathing, increased blood pressure, etc.;

3. Our “mind” tries to make sense of our physiological reactivity and we “move” — toward, away from or against the other — i.e., anger leads to “fight;” shame leads to “flight” (shut down, withdraw, leave); sadness leads us to “let go; etc.”

The antidote to “ouch!”
The way to regain balance, harmony and self-control, and move towards equanimity is to take time, a lot of “conscious” time, to explore what throws us “off” — when we, all of a sudden, feel unsafe, unheard or unseen, leading us to become reactive. Ask yourself:

  • What did the other say or do that triggered my reaction?
  • What sensations did I experience in my body (not only what do I think)?
  • Does this physiological sensation help me to name my experience (a metaphor, for example—I felt like…)?
  • What is my inner dialogue when my being triggered happens? What’s the meaning I come up with?
  • Then, what did I do? What action did I take?

Then, think about your history. Did you experience this raw spot when you were young — with your parents or primary caregivers, siblings, teachers, peers, or others, as you were growing up? Can you see this person from your past now “inside” or as an overlay on the current person who is triggering you? Does the person who is currently triggering you see, i.e., know of, this raw spot of yours?

And, on the other hand, when the roles are reversed, do you know of the other’s raw spots and what you do to irritate them? Have you ever shared this with the other? Or they with you?

The antidote to coming up against others’ raw spots is to be aware of your own raw spots and those of others, share these with those others in a way that allows you to feel safe, yet honest and self-responsible, and then choose behaviors that keep you from behaving in negative ways.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Have you recently experienced hitting another’s raw nerve, or having someone trigger yours? What was that like? Did you resolve it?
  • Have you ever shared your triggers with another — at work, at home, at play in relationship? What was that like for you? For the other?
  • What’s it like for you to experience your vulnerability? Do you ever talk about your deepest fears? What is that like — if you do; if you don’t?
  • Do you ever trigger another willfully to upset them? What does this get you?
  • How did you learn of your triggers? As you look back on your youth, do you see where those around you triggered you?
  • Are you in any relationship where if you weren’t arguing you’d have no communication at all? What’s that like for you?
  • If you look back at your history in relationship, has triggering been a common occurrence? Is it still? Is it OK?
  • What was happening in that moment?
  • What was it (the specific cue-name it) that triggered me?
  • What was it I was feeling (name the feeling, not what you “think”) in the exact moment I was triggered?

—————————————————–
(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

You Know Best

12 Friday May 2017

Posted by pvajda2013 in Personal Development, Personal Effectiveness, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Picture1

 

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

No-one else knows what’s best for us. And, conversely, we don’t know what’s best for others. So our job, our responsibility is to determine what’s best for ourselves.

“I know exactly what you need.” I know what you should do.” I have the answer for you.” I don’t think you should do this.” “This is what you should be working on, focusing on, or pursuing right now.”

Being disrespectful
Each of these statements is bold, presumptuous, disrespectful and discourteous. These statements (or beliefs, as they often are) separate us from how we operate from a spiritual perspective in all aspects of lives, be it at work, at home and in relationship. Each of us has the ability and capacity to be able to discern our own path and our own way forward through our lives. This is not always easy. Life is often about the struggle and effort that’s sometimes requires us to go inside and rest in this quiet, still place of discovery, the place of right knowing, right understanding and right action.

Advising others, educating others, making decisions for them, plotting and planning their journey and crafting their strategy for moving forward, is not our responsibility, nor should it be. Nor is it their responsibility to direct our journey, to find out path for us.

Self-responsibility
Even if you have some kind of “contract” with another — if they are a friend, relative, coach, or counselor — they don’t know what’s best for us, nor should we trust or expect that they do.

Each of us is responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. It is also our responsibility to consciously sift through and sort out that information, and then “go inside” to weigh the merits of that information, to discern what we think and feel is best for us. Nobody can know that but each of us in our own way.

The way we can support, honor and respect others is to trust that they have their own internal guidance system, their own internal source of wisdom and their own internal capacity to discern what is in their best and highest good and interest, and that they will discover their path through trial and error — living life.

And us? To trust that we, each of us, through discovery in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment — through the process of living life, making mistakes, taking wrong turns, stumbling and getting up – is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Some questions for self-reflection:

  • Do you depend on others to make life choices for you — at work, at home, at play or in relationship? If so, do you know why?
  • Do others rely on you to make life choices and decisions for them? And do you? Why?
  • Is carving out your life’s path fearful, shaky? How so? Does the fear stop you? If so, why?
  • What have you learned about yourself while discovering your own path?
  • How/what did your parents or primary caregivers teach you about depending on them or others for support?
  • Have you even been in a co-dependent (needy) relationship with another — parent, sibling, spouse or partner, coach, counsellor or religious or spiritual guide? What was/is that like for you? What does/did it get you?
  • Do you take time for journaling, reflecting or contemplation on a regular basis? Do you ever practice presence or mindfulness?
  • What’s it like for you to sit in stillness or silence?
  • How do you access your inner guidance or wisdom? Do you believe you have the capacity for inner guidance or wisdom? Do you trust your gut? When do you…when don’t you?

———————————————————–

(c) 2017, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful.  Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

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