Lying as a Workplace Dysfunction – It’s Mommy and Daddy’s Fault

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Like it or not, believe it or not, we bring our biology and biography to work, i.e., we bring our “family” to work. It’s a fact of psychological life at work that much of our behavior is based on how we were raised.

Many of our co-workers and colleagues remind us of members of our families. So, unconsciously, we relate to them based on this interpersonal dynamic. How so?

As young children we learned to behave in ways that either (1) brought us mommy’s, daddy’s and others’ love, approval, recognition, attention and acceptance and/or (2) kept us safe from harm, trauma or abuse from these same individuals. As children, it’s a psychological fact of life that everyone is “wounded,” hurt or traumatized by parents or primary caregivers who are doing their best, but who, nevertheless, unintentionally are negatively affecting their child in some way through their language, judgments, criticisms, and verbal and non-verbal, emotional or physical reactivity.

For many children, their home environment and experiences were characterized by a mantra of “you’re not good enough” in some way, shape or form. This dynamic holds true even in households on Candy Cane Lane where everything was “just beautiful and loving,” and no one ever raised their voice or “got angry.” In childhood, wounding on some level occurs. Developmental Psychology 101.

As a result, the child grows up feeling, consciously or unconsciously, they are deficient, lacking, or not good enough, in some way. Moving forward, even to this day (as an emotional 3-4-5-year-old in an adult body wearing adult), they need to respond (react) to their world – people, places, events, circumstances, even objects – in a way that protects them, or helps them feel safe and secure in an otherwise threatening world – i.e., from others’ judgments, criticisms, disapproval, unacceptance, abuse, etc., that is, from other’s (real or perceived) mental, verbal, emotional or psychological abuse.

So, fast-forward to adult life at work where folks re-create these family psychodynamics. Most folks who have not done personal work are unaware of the influence of these childhood experiences, unaware of how they show up emotionally as that wounded 3-4-5-year, often thinking, believing and insisting – in one way or another – “Hey, I am adult; I am mature, I am! I am! I am!…I’m not being emotional!).

These adults often see bosses and managers as “mommies and daddies” and their co-workers as their siblings. It’s not unusual to observe workplace conflicts that mimic family arguments and fights. It’s not uncommon to witness workplace dysfunctional relationships, gossiping, in-fighting and back-stabbing behavior that mimic sibling rivalries.

So, when these adults face workplace co-workers, circumstances or events that threaten their sense of emotional safety or trigger a sense of feeling rejected, unapproved, or undeserving of approval and “love,” their knee-jerk reactivity is to do “do what it takes to be accepted and loved.”

Consciously or unconsciously, feeling deficient, lacking or afraid that “telling the truth” about themselves, their project, their numbers, their feelings, their perspective, etc., might result in some type of “rejection,” i.e., disapproval, lack of recognition or acceptance, etc.,  they often resort to lying as one option or defense against “being punished” or “being seen as deficient” and losing the love and acceptance they truly want and seek.

Often, when folks do personal growth and self-awareness work, they discover the ways they have worn masks, veils, and put on false personalities, to cover up their feelings of deficiency, not being good enough, or being unlikable. They discover the “shadow side” of their personalities that serves as the oft-hidden driver of their negative reactivity and so feel the need to lie, or deceive. They discover the self-sabotaging beliefs and self-images they created about themselves, about authority figures and siblings as children they have carried into adulthood.

Once folks see and understand this truth about why they are “acting out” and being defensive as adults, they can begin to shed their self-limiting beliefs, their masks and their need to lie, to be fake and phony. They begin to see their false self-images and allow themselves to “show up” as authentic, as their true and real self and feel free to “tell the truth” first, to themselves and then, to others.

From this place of emotional, psychological and spiritual maturity, a place where the “truth sets one free,” folks move to a place of being real, a place they experience as refreshing and light, where honesty and trust are the foundational building blocks of their relationships. In this place, people see no need for duplicity, disingenuineness, lying, being fake and afraid. And, amazingly and refreshingly, they discover “telling the truth is not as bad as I thought.”

As the expression goes, The truth shall set you free.” The deeper question is why so many at work refuse to allow themselves to believe that – truthfully.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• When you experience conflicts at work, are they more professional or personal? How so?
• Do personality conflicts remind you of earlier life conflicts with parents or siblings? How so?
• Do you ever experience hurt, resentment anger or fear at work? Is it “professional” or “personal?” Are you really, really sure?
• Do personal issues interfere with your ability to work effectively with others? Are these “their” issues or “your” issues. Are you really, really sure?
• Do you have a tendency to take things personally? What would your friends and colleagues say?
• How have personalized assessments of others, or one another, affected your ability to resolve conflicts in your workplace relationships?
• You know you have “bad days.” Do you allow others to have “bad days” as well?
• Can you spot ways you bring your “biology” or “biography” (i.e., your “family) to work?

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(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

My Lawn Mower Made Me Do It!

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

Just launched – three exciting new products

“An event is neither good nor bad; only thinking  makes it  so.”
                                                                              — Shakespeare

Not too long ago, a man in Milwaukee, WI loaded his shotgun and shot his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start.

Before moving on, let’s do what many probably have done – roll our eyes, make a judgment, shake our heads and perhaps snicker a bit. Now, for the serious side.

For the fellow in Milwaukee, it was about his lawn mower. What about the rest of us? What brings us to, or close to, the breaking point, where we want to shoot something, or smash it, or kick the stuffing out of it? How to you react to: a malfunctioning alarm clock, or stapler, fax machine, computer, DVD, copier, washing machine, or iPhone, an elevator door that takes forever to close, coffee that brews too slowly, a red light or stop sign, dew on the car windshield in the morning, a faucet that springs a leak, a cell phone that drops a call, a dirty dish or utensil, an accident like a spill, an ATM that’s out of cash, etc.? I’ll bet you can come up with your own list of “irritants” in a very short time.

Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” So, let’s take the liberty of stretching this thought a bit and paraphrase, “Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Why?

First, consider two definitions:

• Inanimate –  1: not animate: a: not endowed with life or spirit b: lacking consciousness
• anthropomorphic – 1 : described or thought of as having human attributes 2 : ascribing human characteristics to nonhuman things

So, what’s at play here? Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel. This bears repeating. Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel. While blaming and feeling the victim are an art form in our Western culture, this fact remains a fact – nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel.

So, to our definitions.

When walking through Home Depot and coming upon a lawn mower, my sense is you wouldn’t rush over to beat it senseless. When coming upon the words “fax machine” in a dictionary, my sense is you don’t immediately go into a tirade. Inanimate objects. No life, no consciousness; just objects, things.

When we become reactive, what’s most often operating is our need for security, control or recognition. When something takes us out of our comfort zone, when something happens that makes us feel or believe we are not in control, or we don’t feel safe or secure, then we (consciously or unconsciously) become reactive. Reacting means to “do without thinking,” to become emotional.

Lest you begin to think you are “justified” in becoming angry, frustrated, emotional or irrational and grab on to the notion that some object caused your reaction, consider this.

Stimulus and cause
The “stimulus” of your reactivity is possibly, yes, an object, person, circumstance or event outside of you. However, the “cause” of your reactivity is inside you. It’s all about you. Feeling the victim, feeling out of control or put upon, whatever you feel, you are responsible for your emotions and for your reactivity.

Remember what Shakespeare said, “An event is neither good nor bad; only thinking  makes it  so.”

Emotions don’t come from nowhere. They bubble up from inside ourselves. Our reactivity begins the instant we tell ourselves a story about an event and this is where the inanimate object become animate as we ascribe anthropomorphic qualities to it. We create a story in which we allow the lawn mower, the fax machine, the elevator door…to take on actual qualities and a personality that are “doing something to me” – it’s making me uncomfortable; it’s ruining my day, it’s making me late, it’s making me unhappy and interfering with my life and my need for control or security in some way, shape or form. Somehow, it has acquired all these personality qualities and intentionality that are out to get me and make my life miserable.

We experience the event, we are catapulted out of our comfort zone and we create a story – all happening sometimes in a  nanosecond. Our adrenaline begins to flow, energy pours into our head, anger-based chemicals flow from the brain, emotions flood our body and, well, we load the shotgun and blast the lawn mower to pieces, or become verbally violent and explode.

Let’s review the Jung paraphrase: “Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

When the event occurs and I feel myself becoming reactive, the immediate questions to ask myself are: “So what’s going on with me, right here and right now?”, “What am i Thinking?” and “What am I feeling?”

Name it and claim it
It’s critical to be able to name what you’re feeling. If you can’t name it, then you can’t work with it, inquire into it, or process it. So, in addition to reacting with “I’m angry” or “I’m pissed,” you’ll gain much more insight into your story if you can say, for example, “I’m feeling all alone (or afraid, ashamed, cheated, confused, controlled, dejected, despairing, desperate, destructive, disgusted, exasperated, exploited, foolish, frightened, hopeless, helpless, humiliated, ignorant, intimidated, irresponsible, lost, lonely, manipulated, mistrusting, outraged, panicky, paranoid, rejected, resentful, ridiculous, sad, self-pity, shut-down, stupid, terrified, trapped, unhappy, useless, victimized, vulnerable, worried…” etc.) right now.

Naming your emotions in this way and exploring, being curious about, why you feel the way you do, will give you a greater understanding of the historical nature of your reactivity, of your story, and support you to see what’s really underneath your reactivity. You’ll see how your immediate reactivity is not about “now” even though right now you think it is. It’s deeper. It’s not about the lawn mower – ever.

When you understand the nature of your reactivity, and work on your self to understand the history of your feelings and reactivity, then you’ll be better able to observe and witness an event for what it is, an objective event, without needing to attach your history to it and become reactive (i.e., that was then; this is now…and there’s no connection). Why? With a deeper exploration of who you are and how you are, you’ll discover and be able to call upon your internal, heart-felt (and not ego-reactive) essential qualities such as: courage, strength, wisdom, compassion, love, clarity, steadfastness, discipline, patience and will that can support you to cope with life’s vicissitudes, misadventures, missteps, circumstances and events without getting knocked out of the box or becoming reactive.

With this deeper, conscious and sincere exploration we develop the capacity to respond to events – with considered reflection, thinking, discernment and contemplation – rather than with knee-jerk reactivity.

Look inside for the clues
We get clues about our unconscious programming if we watch, witness and consciously observe our reactions, responses, feelings and thoughts about events (and other people) in the moment. Until or unless we take the time to look inside and explore the nature of our reactivity, life will continue to give us a series of events in which we play the victim and martyr and remain reactive.

Asking yourself, for example, “How do I judge or stereotype events (or people)?” “What pushes my buttons?” “What makes me angry or fearful or sad?” will support you to see what it is that you need to work on “inside” you that attracts events that continually push your buttons. If you didn’t have beliefs, expectations, assumptions, and preconceptions about the circumstances and events that trigger you reactivity, then, pure and simple, you wouldn’t become reactive.

When outer events spark a reaction, we need to look inside to explore what’s going on.

Remember:

“An event is neither good nor bad; only thinking  makes it  so.”
“Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Remember, finally, it’s never about the lawn mower – ever.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• What negative experiences or events do you consistently or frequently experience?
• What do you not know about yourself that is manifesting in a negative way? Who can help you to explore and see more clearly what you need to discover and see?
• What internal, essential, heart energies or qualities do you need to express that would, as a result, remove the need for these negative experiences and your reactivity (remember, this exploration is about you, and not about anyone or anything else)?
• Do you consider yourself to be a “blamer?” How would your colleagues, family, and friends answer this question about you?
• What are your “lawn mowers”? How do you react to it/them?
• What are you like when you become reactive? What would others say?
• Have you ever explored the sources of your reactivity? Your history around reactivity? How does suggesting that you do so make you feel?
• On a scale of 1-10, how positive are you, generally? What would others say about you? Would you feel comfortable asking some of them today, tonight, this week?
• What was childhood like for you, generally? Happy, sad, fearful, frustrating, lonely, joyful, confusing, just OK, a blank…?
• What one or two baby steps can you take in the next week or two to become less reactive and more responsive to (one of) your “lawn mower(s)”?

—————————————–————
(c) 2019, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering